33 weeks, 6 days - BH update and name wafflings, etc

Aaargh, internet driving me CRAZY!!! We switched from AOL to Virgin because AOL was so rubbish for sooooo many years, but this is way worse! Tsk! Only the last 9 days though, before that it was a big improvement on AOL. Neil is going to ring them tomorrow (again), so hopefully I'll have better access. It's now midnight again and I was about to give up and go to bed but then suddenly I got access again :) So I just wanted to update as briefly as I can (in case the connection goes again) to follow on from last night's entry.

Braxton Hicks contractions faded off after I finished my entry last night, and I slept okay too. I haven't had any bother from BHs through the day today, just the usual few here and there. I have been so tired today, physically. Tired in general as well (with the late night, probably!), but mainly my body just feels so tired and unable to move itself about! It hurts to walk upstairs (my legs and pelvis) and getting my leg(s) over the safety gate on the kitchen doorway is almost unmanageable now, and sooooo very uncomfortable! I am tripping on clutter more easily, and if I have to lunge at a small person to grab them before they fall or make a run for the top of the stairs or something like that, I hurt a muscle somewhere every. single. time. I think I may have gained about 40lbs now (weighed myself the other day but had clothes on and had already eaten 2 meals that day - I usually weigh myself first thing before breakfast for consistency, and it really does make the difference of 2-3lbs for me), so maybe that's the problem?! Eeeps.

Today I phoned the midwife to cancel tomorrow's 34 week appointment, and I rearranged it for 35 weeks exactly, NEXT Wednesday. I also talked to the midwife about all the BHs yesterday evening. She said usually they recommend to rest up, drink plenty, and take paracetamol if the contractions are painful. If they're still going after the 2 hour point, then I should call and they'll assess the situation and decide what should be done (if anything). I told her that yesterday's contractions went on regularly for 2.5 hours. She said that some women get this for 2-3 hours at a time and then they fade off, and it happens to them quite a bit. Neil said it rings a bell from previous pregnancies that I've had this before, and it hasn't been any sort of cause for concern, and I think so too.

So, the midwife said if it happens again, I should just rest and drink water and so on, and if they're still going after 2 hours, call them. If it does happen again I think I might wait more like 2.5 hours to see if they fade off after that time, since that's how long it took this time. At the 2 hour point everything was still in full swing, but it faded off half an hour later, so I would probably wait a bit longer before calling. I wouldn't even worry about it at 36 weeks I think, because I would just go to bed and know that if it WAS labour starting up, I'd soon know about it! ;) If not, I'd wake in the morning (okay, within 2 hours for a wee) and realise it had all faded away anyway. But at 33 weeks I was a little more concerned.

This evening my Braxton Hicks contractions have stepped up a gear again - funny how it's evenings, but it did always used to be that way in my previous pregnancies. I have had lots of stronger-than-usual contractions this evening, and some close together, but nothing like yesterday evening. Maybe I WAS too dehydrated after all? I did drink a LOT of water through it all, so that's good. I haven't had that as much water this evening, but the BHs are much more manageable tonight, and I feel more confident about it all, having spoken to the midwife. I wish I was having my 34 week appt tomorrow, but oh well. I love my antenatal appointments! :)

Baby boy bean, who I am now NEEDING to refer to by name when I stroke my tummy and talk to him about stuff - and thus pretty much IS Benjamin (yay!), is now heading for 18 inches long and just under the 5lb mark in weight!!!! That's so big! Well, still soooo tiny, but so big for an actual little person inside my body! Nathan was 19 inches and 5lbs 13oz, so it seems surreal to me that I almost KNOW what he looks like in size now (very likely more similar talk on this around the gestation when Nathan was born in a week or two!). He's so vigorous and strong in his movements, but they are mainly "careful" movements, not just thrashy and agitated like lots of Arthur's were (my 4-year-old with the natural agitated tendencies!). He's strong but composed, if that makes sense. Not necessarily mellow but just.... his movements seem calculated almost, although they are very vigorous. He stretches his legs a lot and that hurts the flesh between him and my outer skin now. There's also a lot of sudden jarring pressure against my left hip when he shoves his legs out to the right, as his body forces back suddenly against my hip. He feels so BIG in there. I just wonder what he'll weigh, whether he'll be in keeping with my previous babies' birth weights, or whether he'll be heavier. All my little ones have been about half a lb heavier than average, which is not much really. Matthew was more spot on average for 41 weeks at 7lbs 11oz. Arthur was just over half a lb heavier than average for 40 weeks, and Nathan was the same for 35 weeks. So I'm hoping he won't be heavier than 8lbs and a couple of oz maybe? I hope he's actually lighter! The lighter the better! 7lbs-something would be lovely :) If he's half a lb over average at the moment, he'll be over 5lbs already - wow!

The internet has gone AWOL again, tsk! I have this window open with the box for the diary entry, so I might as well keep on waffling for a bit and hope it comes back before I need to switch it off and go to bed (which I should do NOW anyway!), so that I can post what I've written. Otherwise I'll have to copy and paste it into Word or something and come back tomorrow to post it. Tsk!!!

Well, I'm 34 weeks pregnant tomorrow - today really! Yay! Getting so close, only 6 weeks left to go!! I still haven't managed to upload the photos of the thing I won at eBay, but I will if the internet lets me, tomorrow I hope. It's also time for another belly picture, so I'll try to get Neil to take one tomorrow evening and post that when I have it.

I'm currently working on clearing out the main bedroom to change the furniture in there. Matthew's toddler bed is in there right now with our big kingsize bed, and I don't plan on taking it apart for a while yet. He's sleeping every night in the bottom bunk, but he likes to go and see his little bed at bedtime, and umms and ers over which bed to use that night still. I encourage him to choose the bottom bunk, but will not make him if he doesn't want to. I want to leave his toddler bed up for a good while for his security. I am taking apart our triple wardrobe and sorting/culling/storing the contents which we rarely use anyway. I want to find a second hand (thus cheap) double chest of drawers like we did for the boys' room before Nathan was born. Theirs is FABULOUS and it was £50 at eBay - we had to pick it up ourselves. It will hold ALL the clothes for ALL three boys! Such a great buy! I want a similar one for our room to hold all of Neil's and my clothes (which are currently split between a bit of wardrobe space, one aging chest of drawers and, well, just piles around the house!) and then get some little wicker baskets or something to sit across the top, for storing all the baby clothes. Nathan's clothes have been stored all this time in a 4-drawer narrow bedside table! It has been a squeeze to fit them all in there, and I'm so glad to move them all to the big double chest of drawers in the boys' room now. I want those bedside tables out of the bedroom, and the aging chest of drawers too, and just replace them and the triple wardrobe with a nice double chest of drawers and some easy-access, nice-looking storage baskets along the top. I think the room will look a lot more spacious that way too. The toddler bed will actually fit opposite the double chest of drawers at the foot of our bed, and that will leave space NEXT to our bed for the new baby to sleep (where Nathan was till recently). But a MUCH less cluttered-looking room! I'm excited! :) I just need to find a double chest of drawers, and I' watching eBay, but it's hard with the diddly-bobbling internet on the blink all the time! Just checking (in another window!) if it's working yet....

Nope. Tsk! Looks like I may have to copy and paste this into Word and update tomorrow for 34 weeks. So annoying!

Neil and I talked about the baby's name again tonight, because I told him how I was just starting to call him Benjamin when I talk to him, because I'm starting to NEED to have a name to put in there when I talk to him. I don't know why, I just do. Maybe it's because I always have with other pregnancies so it feels weird not to, and also because I'm feeling so much more bonded with him lately - he needs a name to go with the intensity of the bonding! So I'm thinking Benjamin is the most likely, so I'll use that, if only temporarily for my own relief! ;) So, I told Neil that's what I've been doing, and he is still a little worried about my family and the name Benjamin, but I keep telling him that I am so OVER that, and they'll have to just lump it. I feel a bit sad that they made a bit of a big deal about it because it has led to me not sharing anything about his name for the rest of the pregnancy, and that just feels sad and awkward, because I always always share everything with my mum when chatting with her on the phone, and she always knows all our thoughts on names from very early on, all the way through to the end of pregnancy. I find that I don't even want to tell her that I've been calling him Benjamin lately, or even anything to do with the name Benjamin that has been occurring to me, and that is a strange feeling for me (and probably her too, though she isn't saying anything about it - she was a bit defensive the last time I mentioned not knowing what to do about the name anymore, asking if it was her fault in a certain tone *sigh*).

We have pretty much decided tonight that we WILL name this baby Benjamin, and very likely Benjamin Isaac. Neil likes the way it sounds, and I told him that if we DO end up calling him Benny/Bennie in an affectionate way as one of his multi-million nicknames (you know there will be MANY, don't you?! hehe!), then it really will just be for OUR little household/family only, not for the extended family to hear on a regular basis. It's like Matthew's name. We were asked a lot when we chose to call him Matthew, about whether we'd call him "Matt" or "Mattie" or something like that. We were kind of surprised at that, because to us, the name Matthew is, well, the name Matthew! Not Matt. We don't actually like the name Matt, and I for one don't really see how it comes so naturally from the name Matthew (similar for getting Nate from Nathan). The sounds in Matthew are soft, and the same for Nathan, and that's one of the main reasons we chose those names - we love the soft sounds! We don't want to cut them off with a hard consonant and get rid of them! So, everybody knows Matthew as Matthew, and that is totally his name. When I phone my mum and tell her that he's done this or said that, I only ever refer to him as Matthew. If he could introduce himself to you, he'd only ever call himself Matthew. Arthur is constantly introducing Matthew to anyone we meet out and about, and he always calls him Matthew. His name is 100% MATTHEW. But, if you were a fly on our wall in our house, you'd hear him called Matthew maybe 50% of the time, and the rest of the time affectionate nicknames that are only used within our family (that is, within our household - the 5 of us), and those include Mathie, Mathsie, Math, and Maths. There are, of course, a whole bunch more (from me!). But those four are used regularly and consistently throughout each and every day when I talk to him, call him, refer to him when talking to one of his brothers or to Neil, etc. Mathie is the most commonly used. Arthur uses them all to talk to Matthew (as well as "Matthew", which he uses the most frequently) during their play and conversations (and arguments!) throughout the day. If they are having a VERY pally game, he will call his brother "Maths" a lot of the time. I love Math and Maths, and prefer them muchly over Matt. It keeps the soft sound in that we love, suits Matthew much better, and I honestly don't think about arithmetic at all when I say them! ;)

Anyway, if my parents (or anyone else) comes to visit, they might well overhear me refer to him as Mathie or Maths a fair bit when I am talking to him, so they'll KNOW that I call him those things, but it's never a name that anyone else has "permission" to use, you know? It's clear that it's for family-only use, and I never refer to Matthew as anything but Matthew in talking to other people, even if I've just turned to them from talking to Matthew as "Mathie". So that part is pretty clear I think.

I just think it will be the same way with Benjamin. His name will be Benjamin. His brothers will introduce him to others as Benjamin. When I talk to others about him, I will only ever refer to him as Benjamin. Telling my mum on the phone that he has cut his first tooth, I will be referring to him as Benjamin, not whatever cutesy nickname I just spend the whole morning using for him! And that won't seem formal of me in any way, because his name will be BENJAMIN! We'll call him that at least 50% of the time, and the rest of the time, yes, we'll likely call him allllll manner of variations on the name that are clearly cutesy and for intimate family use only. So, that should be fine, shouldn't it? Even if I DO end up calling him Benny-boy or something. That won't make him "Benny" for my family to struggle with like they are thinking (or my mum was, when I last talked to her about it some months ago). Even if she visits and hears me call him Benny, who cares! It's not his name for anyone else to call him but me, his daddy, and his brothers! So I think it should be fine. I said all this detail to Neil tonight, and he felt reassured and agreed with me.

So I think his name really IS going to be Benjamin, and we both like Benjamin Isaac best, for a full name, though we haven't 100% finished deciding. I'm feeling pretty confident that this will be his name :) Of course, on the internet I will be using the cutesy nicknames all over the place, as you know I already do with the others! That's different. And I don't too much mind when online friends refer to Nathan as Nathey, like I do. But I think it's generally clear (ish?!) that the cutesy nicknames aren't his actual main NAME and that the world in general does not really know him as anything other than Nathan, since that is his name. You know? I hope I'm making sense!

Well, the internet looks like it is working again for the moment (aaaargh, it's so late!!!!!) and so I'll try to post this (copy and paste first, just in case!), and go to bed. I guess I'll leave this up for the 34-week entry, but I will be back before long with the 34 week belly pic and the photos (and news!) on the "thing" I bought at eBay! :)

I also wanted to finally confess that I keep this diary/blog at blogger now too. I am updating both diaries every time I write an entry, with the intention of moving over there permanently in the end. I have sooooo many archives to transfer. I have made a basic layout (BASIC, people!) and transferred all the belly galleries, ultrasound galleries, and birth stories for all to see. There are quite a lot of entries up already, including the second half of this pregnancy at least, as I've been adding them. Now that I've "revealed" its existence, please do feel free to switch over to Blogger and follow me there instead of here, if it's easier. Or continue to read and comment here, if you like, that's fine too. I won't switch till after my gold membership runs out here, as that just feels WASTEFUL, lol! ;) I can't remember when that is - another couple of months maybe? Anyway. If you want archives, you'll have to come back here for a good while to come yet! It will take me a while to transfer them all, and I'll be less able to do that kind of thing over the next few months. But my initial update is at Blogger, then I copy and paste to Diaryland. If I only have time to do one place, say during labour if I am going to blog my labour LIVE (!!), then I will likely just update at Blogger and not here (until I copy and paste after the event to catch up).

The link is (surprisingly!) http://alicesbaby.blogspot.com. I was so happy that my cosy familiar username was available! :) So, feel free to come on over. I have no idea how to make a nice layout any more, and I was going to get Jennisa to do it (who designed my arthursmummy blog recently), but it's an expense and I figured I could do just as well with a free background and basic "homemade" layout for now. Maybe next time I get a positive pregnancy test I will splurge to celebrate, or something! :)

Going to bed! I hope this posts okay...

33 weeks, 4 days (well, 5 now!) - lots and lots of BHs tonight...

[I wrote this entry yesterday afternoon but never got to finish it as we're having trouble with our internet connection 90% of the time (highly annoying!!!!). I know it's unfinished, but I have finally got online at last and it's 11.30pm already so I can't finish it, but I wanted to post what I'd written before it's old news or something!]

I'm nearly 34 weeks! The speed of time is really astounding to me!

I have so much stuff to write, just bits and pieces, that I have been wanting to write for most of this last week, but I haven't had chance. The internet is being sluggish for us (not sure why) and also I have had a few early nights lately as I seem to be getting soooo tired. I get really bad restless leg syndrome in the evenings - the more tired I get, the worse it is. So I flail about on the sofa trying to catch-up online and stuff, and eventually the leg-flinging gets too ridiculous and irritating (!) so I give up and go to bed. I have had pretty bothersome RLS (and arms, for that matter - I'm weird like that!) all my life that I can remember, but it does tend to be a little worse during pregnancy. I'm thankful that at least I'm used to it! I feel for people who have never had it before and get it as a by-product of pregnancy! It must be awful if you've never had to put up with it before.

I think it was about a week ago (Tuesday, I think - it's Sunday today) that I had a really HURTY baby bump for the best part of the day, and worse in the evening. It felt like a band several inches wide, all the way around the lower part of my bump and over my hips and the small of my back. It just HURT all the time, not like contractions or waves of discomfort or pain. In my right side just above and inside my hip, it felt like a huge bruise or a badly pulled muscle. I never felt anything like that before so I was a bit concerned, especially with how distracting and constant it was. The "band" felt like it was under pressure all the time and a heavy pressure at that. I wondered if it was a bladder infection or something (didn't seem like it, and I was having no other symptoms), because I had to pee 4 times that night! I am currently having to get up in the night to pee 2 or 3 times every night now, so that's not tooooo far out of the norm I suppose.

Anyway, the next morning I reached down to my tummy as I lay in bed, to feel the baby, and found a VERY obvious head not far below my tummy button level in my left side!!! Aaaargh! I felt kind of unsettled at the thought that my baby might have turned transverse (the rest of the baby seemed to be curled up in a ball but not lower than the head) at 33 weeks! But it did explain the band of pain and discomfort and the bruisey feeling with pressure from inside. Not the 4x night-peeing though! ;)

Well, by that evening I couldn't feel a head in my side any more so I lay on the sofa and had a slightly more vigorous (!!) feel for the baby's position, and discovered his little head down in my pelvis after all! :) So, I don't know what that was about. I STILL have a bruised feeling in my left side/inside my left hip, but it's gradually fading off. If the baby kicks me there or pushes his feet there, it HURTS like someone pushing on a bruise or strained muscle. I can't figure out what has caused it, or if it's a strained muscle (or how I did it, if so!) but I'm glad it fading off.

I've been very low on energy this week, but this weekend I seem to be having a spurt of energy, which is nice! I get breathless and tired out standing up and talking (that's all!) and have to sit down and catch my breath a lot throughout the day, but apart from that kind of tiredness I don't feel TOO exhausted at the moment. This weekend is the first really warm summery weather this year, and I am not good with heat (as you'll know if you've read me for a while!). It makes me feel actually ill for a good few weeks till I start to adjust to it, and even then I find it draining and hard to cope with, even when I'm not pregnant. I don't know why! It's just how I have always been. Less so as a child, but definitely from my late teens if not before. Being heavily pregnant in the summer isn't exactly THRILLING to me, shall we say! ;) I have done it once before, with Matthew (who was born in the middle of June at 41 weeks) and that was a very hot summer here. It was noooo fun. I keep hearing that this is going to be a hot summer here too (and I wouldn't be surprised, seeing how I'm going to be heavily pregnant and the last time we had a hot summer I was too, haha!). I have bought a few new maternity clothes to try to keep myself cool enough - a pair of linen knee-length shorts that are soooo cool to wear (I'm wearing them now!) and actually big enough to go over my butt! ;) They're size large, which everything NEEDS to be for me by the end of pregnancy, even though I'm nowhere near a size large when not pregnant! I get so huuuuuge by the end of pregnancy. I have no idea how much weight I've gained now (last weighed myself at 29 weeks) but it certainly feels like a LOT. I'm huffing and puffing everywhere, hardly fitting any of my jeans, shorts or trousers around the bum and thighs (urgh) - everything is tight to full stretch over my bump as well now - and just feel HEAVY when hauling myself around the house! ;) I am slightly dreading to see how much I weigh, even though I can't believe I'm saying that, since obsessing over weight-gain during pregnancy is a huge peeve of mine! Tsk! I don't feel overly comfortable with how I look lately, except for my lovely baby bumpety! That's always a beautiful thing! :)

Anyway, not long to go now!

I have started actively working on the Baby Preparation (to-do) list. I didn't say this last entry, but when Neil and I prayed about whether to take our house off the market when we had an interested viewer (who had made an offer a while back), I really felt like God was saying this baby is coming sooner than we think. Honestly, that slightly freaked me out, and I felt oddly totally unconfident of my ability to discern God's voice from my own thoughts/anxieties, so I have put it sort of to the back of my head, asked God for confirmation if it's really from him, and left it at that. I don't want to act on it if it's just my own head churning that kind of thought out, and not God speaking to me at all! But, I communicated it to Neil, and we have quietly stepped up our efforts to get things ready for the baby, just in case. It can't hurt to be a little better prepared, can it?! Even if I go to 42 weeks in the end, haha! ;)

I checked my cervix yesterday, for the first time this pregnancy! Now, I am always CAREFUL, don't worry! I don't go poking about and disturbing stuff. I know what I'm feeling for and I am very careful. So my cervix was RIGHT THERE and very soft and stretchy. Also easily admitted a fingertip and if I wasn't being careful I could have probably admitted two, but I didn't try. It didn't feel particularly effaced (thinned out) though and I couldn't feel the membranes or the baby's head, so that's something. I think this is normal for me at this stage of pregnancy - I checked between 30 weeks with Nathan and had a very soft cervix then too. With Nathan I could feel his head really clearly too, but he was VERY low in my pelvis compared with the others. I also checked my cervix with Matthew at 37 and 39 weeks. I couldn't find it at 37 weeks as it was so high, but at 39 weeks it was like it was yesterday, low and soft, and easily admitted a fingertip. I couldn't feel his head though (unlike Nathan - I wonder if that had anything to do with my waters breaking early??).

Yesterday I went to Tesco on my own! :) I didn't go for food, just to search out some stuff to tick off my list (ours is HUGE and has non-food stuff over 2 floors). Neil had taken the boys to the park so it was a good time to go, especially with a little burst of energy. I got tired OUT walking round Tesco for ages with a trolley, and very thirsty too. I began to have Braxton Hicks contractions that took me a while to identify. I'm not used to noticing them whilst walking around. Usually I really notice them in the evenings when I'm resting on the sofa or something, or sitting on the floor with the boys in the day time. I kept having moments (sort of 30-60 seconds) where I couldn't walk too well because my bump just felt too tight to move anything connected to it! I couldn't move my legs close to each other to walk, and felt breathless with the tightness. I thought maybe the baby was pressing in a certain way or something the first couple of times, as the pressure felt immense low down and very uncomfortable, and I would feel like I needed to wee or something till it went away. Only when it happened for a third time, about 10 minutes after that last one, did it dawn on me that these were probably mild contractions! They didn't hurt at all, just were very uncomfortable, so I knew they were just BHs. I continued on, but the next one came about 5 minutes later, and they got closer together. By the time I waddled/leaned-on-the-trolley to the checkout with my stuff, they were every 2-3 minutes! I felt a little bit anxious about the way it felt, and wanted to get out of the supermarket and rest myself sitting down (there was nowhere to sit down in there) and have a long cold drink. I felt too hot and very thirsty, so that was probably the whole cause of it.

I was still having BHs aplenty when I got home, but I rested up more, sitting down all the time, and they must have eased off because I don't remember having trouble with frequent BHs after that. I did drink plenty when I got home too, and had a drink that I'd bought in the car before leaving the car park. With this warmer weather, I MUST remember to drink more! Which is a good reminder - I'll just pause to get a glass of water! :)

Ack, that was no good! I drank 2 glasses of water, but added a jam doughnut that I'm sure I didn't really need! *sigh*

Anyway, so I got a good few things at Tesco, which was exciting! I bought various things (sun hat for Arthur, measuring jug, etc) but will only list the things I bought that relate to baby preparation! ;) I bought:

* 2 packs of disposable maternity pads
* box of 40 breastpads (this makes me laugh as I will need more like four HUNDRED breastpads, but hey ho, 40 is a good start! ;) )
* 2 packs of Tesco's own brand newborn nappies (there are no other brands that perform better, in my experience) - 48 nappies to start off with
* 2 big packs of cotton wool pleats - even when we use cloth wipes, we always start with cotton wool for the first couple of weeks, I guess because we've always been told to or something! ;) It's softer and seems better suited to a brand new teeny tiny bottom and boy parts! We have used cotton wool balls before now but they're fiddly and pesky and too small, so I bought lovely thick pleats this time! We use them with water.
* 2 soft/medium pillows and 1 firm pillow, for breastfeeding and possibly for birthing support (or swap for the older ones on the beds for this purpose!)
* a few cheap (£1!!!) garden toys for the boys, like watering cans, sand toys, etc, for extra activities to occupy them when I'm too pregnant to do much with them, or have a new baby attached to the breast all the time.
* I also bought a few things for the activity boxes I plan to make for the boys. I'll write more about those later.

I've put all the baby and maternity items in a box in the bedroom so they're all together. I'll be taking some of them out to put in a hospital bag soon, and it's handy to have them all in one place. It was so exciting looking over them and packing them into the box! Just having purchased breastpads and newborn nappies and stuff like that, it makes it feel really REAL that I'm getting very close to the time when I'll have another precious little baby boy in my arms! Things like this, tangible things, really bring it home.

I also bought a few little clothing items for the new baby - I know, I know, we have three sons already, born in all different seasons! ;) I don't need anything new for this fourth baby boy! But I saw some little summery one-piece outfits for sooooo little money, and couldn't resist them! I bought 2 packs of 2 outfits in newborn size (up to 11lbs) - one pack are short-sleeved, long-legged sleepsuit type things with no feet and poppers at the crotch (rompers, therefore??). One of those says, "Mummy loves me!" which made my heart melt, because I dooooooooooooo!!! So. Much. Already.

And the other is a set of two similar outfits with short sleeves AND short legs. They are all so sweet and tiny!!! And in the evening after I showed Neil my exciting stash (he was sarcastically excited about the maternity pads and cotton wool pleats, cheeky man!), I opened one of the packs of newborn nappies and literally went squeally over the tiny cuteness!!! Neil rolled his eyes at me! I know I have two little ones still full-time in disposable nappies, but I still feel so excited over seeing teeny tiny newborn nappies again! :)

Okay the boys are home from the park, so I will finish this later.

[Oh, I just want to add a couple of things from this evening itself! Then must go to bed! ;) ]

This evening I picked up a very exciting "item" that I won at eBay a couple of days ago! I had planned to write about it when I finished this post but I can't now - I WILL asap though! I took photos of it this evening so hopefully I'll get those uploaded tomorrow and post another entry then - IF the stupid internet starts behaving itself! Tsk!

Also, this evening I have been having a LOT of Braxton Hicks contractions. It has been hot today and yesterday (too hot for me!) and humid. I don't feel over-warm right now though. I have been trying to keep my fluids up, especially in the evening when I have more opportunity to sit and keep on drinking water.

About an hour ago the baby was THRASHING about, and I do mean that! My whole tummy was lurching and morphing and jumping. He kept it up for a good long while and I started to worry that he was having a life-or-death struggle with his entangled umbilical cord or something. :S Don't laugh! It's a genuine anxiety! He was so vigorous with his whole body all at once, and alllll his limbs at the same time, and it hurt quite a bit because he was grinding his head constantly. It felt like boring pins in my cervix and bladder, or some location in between that I can't actually identify for sure! Really sore, and he didn't stop doing that, even when his limbs had calmer moments.

Anyway, after he calmed down eventually, I noticed several BHs close together (like a couple of minutes type of close) and the third one hurt, proper hurt. After that they kept on coming the same, and varied between reeeally uncomfortable and actually painful. I was trying to do a Tesco grocery order online (hoping the internet wouldn't fail me! We're out of milk/cereal/meals/lunch fodder!), and after a bit I went to my bookmarks and found I still had Contraction Master on my list from last pregnancy! :) So I opened it up and started timing them. I timed quite a few (7 or 8) and each one was about 45 seconds long and the gaps between them were 2.5 to 3.5 minutes. I made sure to be resting on the sofa and drink water between them. They all hurt and I had to pause with my hand on my tummy - well, I don't know if I HAD to, but I was distracted from anything else I was trying to do. But I didn't have to breathe different or anything. I told Neil the Braxton Hicks were starting to feel more like contractions than Braxton Hicks, and that I was timing them.

I am having one at the moment, just putting it onto CM. I decided to go for a wee, in case that helped. Every time I had a BH it would make me feel like I dessssperately needed to pee, although I have been several times already this evening! I dread to think how many times I'll be up in the night with how good I'm being with drinking water as often as I can while all these BHs are going on! So I went for a wee, and checked the boys, and came back down, and the next BH I put on CM was 8 minutes after the previous one. The next one was 5 minutes, and since then they have all been 4.5 minutes apart, 50-60 seconds in length. I sometimes feel surprised when one starts because it doesn't feel like long since the last one, or it feels like longer (so I hope they're spacing out and going away!) but when I put it on good old Contraction Master, it's helpful to see that they are actually really quite regular at 4-5 mins apart. Hmmm. I am not sure what to make of it. Probably I should make absolutely nothing of it, drink my water up and go to bed. I think I have had "time-able" strongish Braxton Hicks contractions that came close together for an hour or so in my previous pregnancies though, so it's not a NEW thing for me, just that it IS a new thing this pregnancy. I have just finished another BH and entered it on CM - the 5th one since I came down from the loo 20 minutes ago. My readout says:

11.30pm (the first one after the loo) - 1min 8sec long - 8m36s since the last one.
11.35pm - 59sec long - 5m34s since the last one
11.40pm - 1min 5sec long - 4m36s since the last one
11.45pm - 53sec long - 4m30s since the last one
11.50pm (uncannily on the 5 minutes here, according to the clock!) - 1min long exactly - 5m0s since last one

Since I have been writing that out, I have had two:

11.53 - 55sec long - 3m14s since last one
11.56 (just now) - 1min 21sec long - 3m18s since the last one

So, back to 3 mins. It's odd. I am drinking water between them. I do feel like I need another pee, and it's getting late anyway, so I should probably just go to bed. But I wanted to write about it, since it's happening at the moment and I happen to have internet access for once! Also I will want to write about it even if it was a couple of days from now and somewhat old news. So there it is. I hope it's nothing to worry about!

I have my midwife appointment for 34 weeks on Wednesday, BUT Neil forgot about it and so hasn't booked to work from home that day and thinks he won't be able to now. It's the appt where I (another sore BH starting) talk about the birth, having made my decision like they asked me to by 34 weeks - did I say this in the earlier part of the entry? - I'm booking a homebirth, yay!!) and I know I will not be able to talk properly with the boys around. They interrupt and distract and cause trouble, and I wouldn't be able to relax and talk with the midwife (that one was 55secs long, and 4m42s since the last one), so I sort of need some childcare for that one. AND the 36 week appt, because that's the official "Birth Discussion" appt and I hope they will do my GBS test then too, so another one where the boys would be best ELSEWHERE! ;) The next two appts or so should be fine to have them around, but I am hoping for "cover" with the boys at my due-date appointment, because I totally plan to ask for a cervical stretch-and-sweep on that occasion! ;) I waited till 41 weeks till I BEGGED for one (having declined one at my due date) with Matthew (another BH starting), and gave birth the next day, and I sooooo do not wish to wait till 41 weeks before asking for a little help this time! If my body isn't ready at 40 weeks then it won't do anything anyway (1min 10sec long and 4m28s since the last one).

So, the long and short of it is that I may have to phone the midwife tomorrow and rearrange my 34 week appt for 35 weeks, when Neil would be more able to work from home and thus enable me to go to it without the boys. I thought of asking the midwife to come here, but actually we'd be swamped by small boy people, two of whom would talk without ceasing to the midwife the entire time, oblivious to the fact that we're trying to have a discussion. Which would not be ideal!

Another BH is starting! What is up with all these BH contractions?! They are all painful, but I guess only very mildly when I think about proper labour! I can type through them, but I would rather stop and wait till they pass because they're very tight and uncomfortable, and distract me. Okay that one was 59secs long and 4m9s since the previous one. They seem pretty regular, don't they? If it wasn't so late maybe I'd consider just calling one of my midwives, just to ask their advice on it. Just in case it's not good, or something. But I'm thinking their advice would be to rest, drink plenty and that kind of thing. And I'm doing that. The boy bean is having the occasional wiggle so I know he's okay in there. Another one is starting already!

That one was 55 seconds long, and 3m10s since the last one. It's after midnight now so I really ought to go to bed, but I'm a bit disconcerted by these contractions. I think it's 2 hours at least now, since they started at this pace/soreness. I don't think they're getting any stronger particularly.

Well, I have now had another which was a stonker. I had to breathe differently :S And I felt nauseous. I have been feeling a bit queasy lately in the evenings anyway, and dizzy too, so I am not necessarily putting much on that. I also need to pee again, and maybe that's why the last one was more painful? It was 1m30s long, and came 3m57s after the last one. At 12.20am, I'm not sure what to do if it gets so that I should be phoning somewhere or going somewhere. That makes me uneasy! I hope it's just harmless Braxton Hicks...

Here's another... 1m9s long, and 4m 18s since the last one. Neil has gone to bed a while back - should I wake him up?? I don't know what to do, since they seem a little more painful and they've been going on for a while now. I can see such a pattern on the Contraction Master record that I'm making, and the longer the list of contractions gets, the more I'm getting a bit... pre-occupied, let's say, about it! Should I just go to bed and stop worrying? Wake Neil? Phone someone? What if they say it's better to be safe than sorry and to come into hospital for monitoring? I don't want to do that, especially if it doesn't turn out to be necessary! I have boy beans asleep, and I need my sleep too. And I will have to go alone in the middle of the night, because Neil must stay with the littlies. Maybe I'm starting to worry, and thus think into it too much, and should just go to bed. If I wake Neil and tell him all this, he'll be just as clueless as I am as to what to do, and all he'll be able to suggest is that I either go to bed, or else make the decision to phone someone about it.

This last one has lasted 55secs and was 4m26s since the last one. The times for this past hour's BH contractions are:

11.30, 11.35, 11.40, 11.45, 11.50, 11.53, 11.56, 12.01, 12.05, 12.09, 12.13, 12.17, 12.21, 12.25, and here's another as I type at 12.29. They've all lasted between 55 seconds and 1min 30 seconds long (mostly less than 1m10 though). These last three really feel sore on my bladder like I need to pee so I will go and do that first, before anything else! After the BH finishes, which it nearly has. They hurt but I can continue as normal if sitting still. That one was 1m30s long though.

Okay, have been to the loo - I think I had a BH on the toilet because it was super uncomfy to pee with lots of squeezy pressure that lasted after I finished as well. None since though, yet. Now, as I was coming downstairs, it being late and me heading for bed in a short while, I didn't bother putting more than underwear back on, and I caught sight of myself in the mirror as I came into the living room, and I kid you not, the boy has dropped this very evening. Maybe I'm wrong, but my bump is now really low and sticky outy and I KNOW it wasn't at 8pm when I looked at my bump in the same mirror just before I headed out to pick up the exciting eBay item I mentioned earlier. Maybe it's all the Braxton Hicks? Or maybe he'll pop right back up by the morning?

It has now been 9 minutes since I had a BH and I don't feel another one yet, so I think I will hurry up and go to bed! It's nearly 12.45am now so I need to get some sleep. I will update tomorrow, since it has been a weird night tonight!

32 weeks, 3 days - birthing plans and to-do lists!

32 weeks!! Definitely getting near to the end of pregnancy now! Well, I'm at my half-week point already, so in a few more days I'll be 33 weeks. Less than 8 weeks to go now until my due date, and less than FIVE till I reach full term! Also, about 3 weeks (that's all!!!) till I reach the gestation I was when Nathan was born. That's a landmark for me now, since last time, because I know what my little beany boy will look like (size and general baby-ness wise) in 3 weeks time, since I got to meet one of my babies at that stage face-to-face! :)

I put my 32 week belly picture in the belly gallery - it's taken with my new camera (it's a DSLR!!!) and I've no idea why the tones are so warm! I have no clue how to use it yet, and I just handed it to Neil and told him where to push the button to take the picture, so there it is! ;)

My bump consistently feels bigger and Neil comments on it weekly (and sometimes more frequently) saying how much bigger it seems than a few days/week ago, etc. But I look at the belly gallery and it looks rather samey the last FOUR photos! Oh well. I have also noticed from looking at my belly galleries, that my bump is a more "normal" height and shape this time. I do carry low - people ALWAYS say that I'm carrying low, every single pregnancy - but this isn't low for me. I think I'm carrying very much the same as I was with Matthew at this stage, and also similar to Arthur (though I was a little less "hanging out there" with him, due to better toned abs or something, haha!), but when I look at Nathan's gallery - whoooaaah he was low! I was a different shape because of how low he was - more sticky-outy and very low down. I am beginning to wonder if that had anything to do with his early arrival, how very low he was, and how that hasn't been the case with my other pregnancies?

Thank you so much for the comments on Nathan's birth story last entry! It took me FOREVER to get around to writing it, but I'm soooo relieved to have done it at last! And it was good to write it down. I remembered more than I thought, as well, as I went along. It hasn't been too fun to read back though. I have found myself drawn to the laptop to read it over and over and OVER since I posted it. Most days actually. I haven't been comfortable at all reading it, but I still feel strangely like I can't help but read it again and again! It made me really anxious about birth the first few times I read it, but I guess that's starting to fade off now.

Tiny baby boy (who is now - amazingly! - around the 4lb mark and 17 inches long already!) is really bashing around in there as I write this! :) He's squirming and thumping my bikini line on my left side with his little hands! He feels lower than usual today, and I actually asked Neil if he thought I looked any different today, but he says not. He has had hiccups 4 times already today. They are quite strong now that he's bigger, and can be quite distracting for me now. I was sure I felt them lower today than before, more like pubic bone level, clicking away against it on the inside! It's such a very familiar sensation for me after all these hiccupy babies, hehe! I love it :) He pushes his feet about, sometimes like a pedalling sensation, and sticks them out of my right side, high up. He often pushes his bottom out of my left side (about belly button level) as he pushes his feet out, so I guess he's straightening his legs to have a bit of a stretch or something! It's EXACTLY what Arthur used to do all the time, in exactly the same location. Matthew had his back the other side to this baby and Arthur, and Nathan was more in the middle with his back. I can't wait to meeeeeet himmm!!! *sigh*

I talked to my brother about the upcoming birth. He's the only family we have around who could help us when I go into labour, and I'm a bit nervous about where to be and who will be able to help us with the boys! He and Sarah both work, and they have Thea too, so it won't necessarily be something they can do. Bennie watched the boys when Nathan was born (conveniently at the weekend, if I remember right!). My grandparents live fairly locally, but the boys will DEFINITELY be too much for them, even for a short time, though I'm sure they are likely to say to call them if there's anything they can do. They're in their mid-80s and our 3 active and mischievous little boys will exhaust and overwhelm them in a very short time, I should think! I WISH my parents didn't live abroad, or that they could come and stay for a good while around the time I'm due, to cover us for the birth, and just to be support for us. There's no requirement or obligation for them to do that, of course. But I just wish they could. They can't, though. They'll only stay a max of 2 weeks when they come here, because they are staying with my grandparents which has stresses of its own for them, apparently. And 2 weeks is too small a window to arrange in advance and be sure to cover the time I'll give birth. Which I'm sad about. If I could have anything, it would be to have both Neil and my mum at the birth, like with Arthur's. Although, Mummy pointed out that she'd be needed with the boys if she was here at the time. Which is true, so never mind.

BUT, their plan at the moment is to do as last time - wait till I phone to say I'm definitely in labour (or waters broken) and THEN book tickets on the night ferry that night and come over. So they will miss labour and birth entirely, and that's the time we most desperately need some help! Neil and I have been talking about it a lot lately to try and figure something out. I spoke to my brother at length about it and he is always wonderfully helpful and willing to do anything to help us really, which is lovely. There will be some days they can't be here to help us - every Tuesday for example, and a weekend at the end of June. Also, if Bennie is here with the boys overnight and Sarah has to go to work in the morning, then he will HAVE to go home to look after Thea so Sarah can go to work, even if (as last time!) the birth is actually HAPPENING at that point, and that will leave the boys with nobody at home to look after them (which can't happen!), so we're still stuck on that one. He can bring Thea back with him, but that still leaves a couple of hours where he's gone.

While we chatted, Bennie told me a few things that he remembered from last time, and some of them I don't think I knew before. Like, he spent the night that I was labouring, at our house with the boys. He slept in the big bed with Arthur, since that's where Neil usually slept. He said Arthur woke quite a lot through the night and he did really well with not having Neil or I around, but Bennie said he just wasn't quite ready for that transition, he thinks - that of doing the WHOLE night without his Mummy or Daddy for the first time. By 5am he was upset and distressed that we weren't there, even though he knew where we were and Bennie was very reassuring with him. They finally got up around 6am and Arthur seemed to eventually calm down and carry on with the day as normal after that. But it was interesting to hear about it, because we definitely saw evidence of him having found that part difficult, over the next several months. It was immediately obvious to us as well, when I came home from the hospital with Nathan.

Bennie said that at least Arthur is older now and probably will be fine if the same situation arises. I think so too. But Bennie wondered if Matthew would now be in the same place that Arthur was in last time, being the same age. Matthew is different to Arthur, and sleeps really well (doesn't wake and generally gets up with vigour (!) and wants to get cracking with the day right away), so I am not expecting him to have difficulty during the night if we're not here. But it was at that very moment in our conversation that I suddenly realised for the first time that Nathan would be a major problem. There is nooooo way he'd be happy with anyone other than Neil or I settling him if he woke, or getting him to bed, or getting him up in the morning, and he DOES wake several times still. Usually he stirs once in the evening, though he's generally puts himself back to sleep even if he starts out crying as he wakes, before we even get to him. At night, though, he usually stirs to wake once or twice where he puts himself back to sleep, and once where he wakes right up and stands in his cot crying for me to do something about it! ;)

I am thinking it would be a big issue for Nathan to have us gone for any length of time. We've even taken him with us for scans this pregnancy, because of how we knew he wouldn't even make it with a daytime babysitter who is a family member, for a short scan! He hasn't changed from that really, and I don't think he will change particularly in just 8 more weeks. So that's an extra concern for us now.

I remembered how smooth and easy and trauma-free it was for Arthur when I had Matthew at home, and suddenly it seemed clear that the best thing FOR THE CHILDREN would be to have a homebirth. Even if it's not 100% the ideal situation for me (and I'm not saying it's NOT, but like I have probably mentioned before, I have some concerns about having a homebirth this time), it's for the boys that I have finally decided to book a homebirth. I actually was strongly leaning towards a homebirth anyway, because I'd rather be at home and close to the boys. I had already thought about the impact on them if we go to the hospital, and was not happy about that aspect, but having thought it through properly now, I feel like I really NEED to be at home for them - and so that Neil is home for them too, even though I won't be available to them as such. At least they'll know Mummy and Daddy are home where they belong, and that will give them a much greater sense of security. Also it makes sense for WAY less stress over who will care for our children while we're in hospital having a baby! We'll be HOME all the time! :)

Naturally we still need help with the boys, otherwise I will have nobody to support me during labour and I don't want Neil to miss seeing his fourth son born either. My anxieties are about the TINYNESS of the house (as in, no place to labour and give birth!), and the NOISE I make at the end. I don't want to traumtise the children! And Bennie expressed some slightly awkward (on his part, he seemed embarrassed to bring it up, poor thing!) concern that if he has to bring Thea with him and I'm screaming and yelling somewhere in the house, that it might upset her! Which I'm concerned about as well. Oh, IF ONLY I could bloomin' well control myself at that point!!!!!! Tsk! That would be my major concern dealt with, and in fact my only reason for not being sure about having a homebirth in the first place. Rrrgh! I really wish I could manage that stage of labour without panic and noise.

I have read a couple of books about it, and a GREAT book that Meg sent me called "Supernatural Childbirth" (which is a Christian book) that was very inspiring. I should read it again, because now that it's been a few weeks since I read it, I already feel like that's out-of-reach for me and I surely can't "do" that, or have that kind of faith, for an easy, manageable, or pain-free childbirth. *sigh* So that's where I am on that right now. I feel (slightly panicked!) that I'm running out of time to practise ways to manage better, or to work on my mindset or pray about it or whatever.

If I give birth in the day then I will have to shut myself in my bedroom and have Nathan take his naps in the other bedroom (which actually, he should be sleeping in all the time by then anyway - aaargh! Another thing to get sorted SOON!). Then the boys can do their usual daily thing downstairs without bother. I do not expect to have any difficulties with labouring in itself, or to need pain relief (plllleeeeaaase no back labour though!) until the very end, and actually I think Neil will be pretty free to just be downstairs with the boys most of my first stage of labour (most of the whole thing, therefore, since the transition and second stage is sooooo short!) because I don't have any trouble getting on with labour without support in that stage. I would much prefer to have some company though, and HOPE that the new midwife team will provide longer coverage at home than the old way in the past - they were always so busy and would come round, check you, and if you weren't about to give birth, leave to get stuff "done" somewhere else and come back later! I just want a midwife to come and ATTEND me, properly, as they're supposed to! Tsk! Stay with me and keep me company, check I'm doing okay all the time, and not keep leaving. It would make me feel so much more relaxed to have that sort of presence, and I'm really hoping that's what they offer now. I'll ask at my next appointment.

If I'm giving birth at night time, or after the boys are in bed (BEST scenario, since I get Neil with me all the time then, unless any of them wake, which they usually don't), then I will obviously have no choice but to be downstairs in the living room like I was with Matthew. The only thing about the living room is that it's open with the stairs in the room too, so all sounds will travel right up the stairs and through the open doorways of the bedrooms right next to the top of the stairs! I think the boys might be wakeful even hearing voices that aren't familiar, or equipment sounds that they're not used to, etc. Let alone when I start giving birth! That's the stage where I REALLY don't want to lose Neil to a boy who has woken and needs significant reassurance about the noise that Mummy is making downstairs! ;) I know that Arthur didn't wake through my noise last time, which was nothing short of a miracle, seriously - he was the most wakeful toddler ever, and would wake at the slightest unusual sound, even a quiet one! I really believe God had his hand on Arthur to stay sleeping till Matthew had safely arrived and there were adults on hand to attend to him. I know God can do the same this time! But I feel nervous because there are 3 times the number of small sleepers to be potentially woken by my noise this time!

Anyway. I still have to have my GBS test at my 37 week appointment (so far off! And then no doubt a WAIT for the results - I want to know now, even though I know it's too soon to do it yet!!!) which will be the decider. If it's positive then I will have to go into hospital anyway for IV antibiotics during labour. And if it's negative then I can relax and have my homebirth. So I'm still nervous about the whole thing given that I can't know till like 38 weeks whether or not I'll have to go into hospital and thus whether the boys will have someone to look after them while we're there, and whether they'll be okay. They were "okay" last time, but there were definite consequences for them as a result of us not having been there, so I don't want to do that this time, if possible.

I am starting to basically pray that God will bless me and enable me to have a homebirth that is PERFECTLY timed for the benefit of the boys, and me, so that they get the care they need, and I get the birth support I need, and give birth in the least possible disturbing way for everyone in the house (including me!)! I am asking him that he will heal any GBS bacterial status and that the test will be negative so that I can have my homebirth. I'm therefore happy to trust God that if the test is positive, that there is a reason that he knows and I don't, why I should be in hospital to give birth this time, so I will have peace over going in. And I'm praying that if that's the case, he will provide all that we need to cover care for the boys and grace for them to cope fine without us. I'm finding it hard to pray and have faith, because it's BIG and nerve-wracking stuff for me right now, but I'm persevering! Please pray with me, if you wouldn't mind! I would so appreciate it! :)

Well, what else to report? I'm less comfortable than I was the last time I wrote, but I'm still so far having a very smooth and straight-forward pregnancy, more so even than I remember with my other three smooth and straight-forward pregnancies, which I'm grateful for! I wake quite a lot through the night, and on the occasion that I get a good lie-in in the morning at the weekend, I wake frequently through that too. I can't get through the night without at least one trip to the toilet, and also wake as I change position sometimes too. I get awful ligament pains changing position or getting from lying to sitting (no matter how I try to do it!) sometimes, and it takes a while for them to ease off. They're bad enough that I have to just curl up and focus on breathing through the pain until it passes! Ow.

I can feel the top of my uterus exactly one inch below my ribcage now, so I'm FULL of baby! ;) I have heartburn at the slightest spoonful of food lately, but not too severely. I haven't taken any heartburn remedies this pregnancy, but mainly because I don't like them! I just put up with the heartburn, but I don't think it's especially bad heartburn so that makes it easier.

I have had NO cravings this pregnancy, I've just realised!!! Which surprises me for some reason! I guess there's still time yet. I'm also not wolfing down enormous portions of food. I AM eating much more than I would when not pregnant and I get light-headed when hungry very quickly, but I pretty much just eat every 2 or 3 hours, just a snack sometimes, or else a meal with the boys. Little ones eat their meals closer together than adults do (or ours do anyway!) so it's easier to avoid the overly-hungry thing by just eating meals with them and snacking in between when they have their morning and afternoon snacks - perfect for a pregnant tummy! I have a pretty sweet tooth, but again I don't think it's particularly extreme for me or that far outside of my norm. I eat what I would normally eat, maybe a slightly bigger portion, but not that much. I remember I was putting away HUGE portions of food with Matthew before feeling full, but not so much this time. Everything is pretty much like it's continuing as normal this time.

I also am not noticing any pubic bone pain this pregnancy as such. I had a little around the 20 week mark (I think?) but not much. It hurts if I try to shove a heavy box on the floor to one side in front of me with my foot - REALLY hurts, and so suddenly too. So I have to be aware of doing that! But otherwise no trouble, which is different from other pregnancies too (in a nice way!). I always seem to write things here and then they immediately start to be bothersome! ;) So maybe that'll start up tonight, hehe! I hope not!

I really can't think what else, though surely there MUST be more! It's getting late so I will go to bed. I have been feeling really exhausted lately, just this past week or so. I have so little physical energy - it feels all used up in the first half hour of my day! I am very breathless today just standing upright, and have to keep sitting down to catch my breath. I'm just tiiiiired, and it feels like pregnant tired, not so much the type of tired that comes from lack of sleep or over-exertion. I am hormonal (tearful and irritable) on and off, but mostly off, thankfully! I think maybe that will increase as I get towards D-day though.

We took our house off the market this week, which I am muchly relieved about! It was starting to feel like a big pressure and source of stress, to know that at any time we might start the process of moving house. I feel like if we agreed to sell and move TODAY then it is already too late, because by the time we are at the day where we move I will be at least full term, if not right on top of my due date! And there's the stress of the many weeks leading up to the moving day, with the packing and legal stuff and so on. Urgh. I did not want to deal with that another day, I just wanted to be free of that possibility and let myself get on with nesting down and preparing for birth and caring for a new baby. We had an interested buyer, the first viewer who had made an offer. He came back and wanted to view our house again today with the likelihood of buying it, but we spent the week praying about it and decided that even if someone was RIGHT ABOUT to buy, making a good offer, in this current economy and everything, we still don't want to right now. It's too late. He should have not kept us hanging, haha! ;) I don't really mind one bit. We'll put it back on the market again in September or so, after things have settled down a bit with our FOUR small boys, and see how we go. It's all in God's hands, "current economy" or not, so there's no anxiety about it - yay for God! :) And I'm soooooo happy to have that out of the picture now, phew!

I have made a to-do list at last, for things to get done before the baby arrives. It's pretty long! And some of it is rather daunting, but oh well. I'm glad to have a list. I was feeling all unprepared with no list to check off, hehe! Here it is, just for my records:

To-Do List (before the baby comes!) - May 2009

* Make freezer meals (as many as poss)

* Plan/action seating arrangements in car

* Decide upon boys' sleeping arrangements:
- Possibly shop for another cot/mattress
- Get swinging cradle and pack and play down from the loft to test out
- Buy sheets for new cot if necessary
- Move boys/beds according to plan by 6 weeks before due date - May 27th (aaargh!)

* Get infant car seat down from loft

* Test car seat in tandem pushchair (it clips onto the seats)

* Clear huge piles of clutter off double chest of drawers in the boys' room

* Declutter boys' clothing and rearrange double chest of drawers to provide storage for all THREE boys' clothing, not just A and M's.

* Make activity boxes for the boys (need to link this, but basically a FAB idea that I first heard about at Biblical Womanhood (Crystal's blog):
- Plan out activities for the boys to do
- Collect/buy components to stock boxes according to plan

* Collect suitable DVDs for difficult days! (for the boys to watch)

* Plan out and schedule different activity types and activities within those groups, and zones in the house for them to take place - even if it's just a schedule to fall back on.

* Think of garden activities and plan accordingly, including clear-out of dodgy current stuff in the garden.

* Consider rearranging kitchen stuff so that boys can get their own plates, cutlery, etc, ready for lunch.

* Plan good breastfeeding snacks and stock up.

* Buy a couple more good nursing bras. Done this one! Yay! I bought 2 white Elle Maternelle bras online last week - they're the BEST bras ever for nursing and they're all I have worn since Arthur was born, hence wear and tear and need for a couple more!

* Buy a decent activity/play mat/gym (at last!) - our very second-hand one finally bit the dust when Nathan was finished with it. I'm excited about this purchase! :)

* Possibly buy another baby monitor (video one?)

* Get newborn and tiny baby clothes down from loft. Sort, CULL, and wash! Put out of season clothes back in loft, and store the rest ready for use!

* Other things to get down from loft:

- big stack of terry nappies (best sicky catchers in the world!)
- changing mat
- my homemade changing mat covers
- tiny bedding for cradle or moses basket
- moses basket
- baby bath
- hooded towels
- Fisher Price kick n play bouncy chair
- newborn cloth nappies (Kissaluvs and wraps) because even though we don't use cloth any more, my babies have ALL started life outside the womb in a kissaluv size 0 and I can't bear to change that tradition now! ;) Plus, the CUTENESS!!!

* Other things to buy:

- Nuk dummies, 0-6 months, at least 8. The ONLY dummies worth buying, according to our babies, hehe! Definitely want a stash, even if we end up not needing them.

- Newborn disposable nappies

- Cotton balls/pads for early nappy changes

- Two extra pillows. I have two extra children using the ones we had when I last sat up in bed breastfeeding a newborn!

* Also helpful:

- General discipline/obedience training so that the days aren't so impossible when we have a new baby!

- Train boys to obey for safety outside!

(urrrrgh)

(and again I say, urrrrgh)

When I made the list I hadn't planned on having a homebirth, so now I need to think about all the homebirth related things I need to get ready. I'm sure we have them, or almost all of them in some capacity, since I've prepared for homebirths here before. But I need to make a list and gather things. I hope my GBS test is negative!

Okay, that is all! It's so late and this entry is long what with the list and all the usual wafflings! Well done if you've read this far! ;) I'll be back soon. I know I seem to be leaving 2 weeks between entries at the moment (except for the birth story that I posted last week), but that so ISN'T the plan! I really want to write more often, but just don't get the time/energy. I will post whenever I do though. I have my next midwife appointment at 34 weeks, which is when I will book my homebirth and ask some more questions about stuff. I have so much "getting ready" to do just in the next two weeks, because by then I'll only have 6 weeks to go till my due date, and big changes for the boys need to be completed by then. Help!

Nathan's Birth Story

I'm writing this soooo late! Much of it is taken from my diary entries over the few days around his birth (thank goodness I wrote in such detail!). I'm almost 31 weeks pregnant with baby #4 and I really want to write Nathan's birth story properly before I give birth again. Nathan's birth was wonderful and special and unique (as births are) but also FAST and scary and indescribably painful (in parts). I have really not felt like writing his birth story as a result, and have been more anxious about birth with this baby I'm currently carrying, than ever before. Which isn't good! I want to feel more positive about giving birth, and hope to find ways to cope better this time. But anyway! Here is Nathan's birth story. I'm saving it as I go because I feel sure I won't be able to write it all in one go, properly. I'll have to carefully read and check the entries I wrote back when it was all happening, and add photos where they belong too. Reading those entries back does trigger memories of details I hadn't written about, so I'm hoping to make one big COMPLETE birth story here. Hope I finish it before this baby is born, haha! ;)

Nathan was due on February 10th 2008. My other two babies had been born after my due date - Arthur at 40 weeks and 4 days (lonnnnng labour though) and Matthew at 41 weeks exactly after a cervical stretch and sweep of my membranes by the midwife at my 41 week appointment the day before, at home. So I was totally expecting him to arrive AFTER my due date. What a surprise I got! ;)

A bit before 6am on January 11th 2008, I woke up suddenly. I was sleeping in the single bed next to Matthew's cot, as I had done for most of the time since Matthew was born, to make night feedings easier! Neil and Arthur were still co-sleeping in our big floorbed in the main bedroom. It was never the plan to be that long with Matthew, but time just passed and he kept night nursing and it was just sooooo easy. We had plans to change that all around in the weeks before Nathan arrived, because Arthur would go into Matthew's room in the single bed, and I would go back into the main bedroom with Neil, and put a new cot next to it for Nathan. But anyway. At 35 weeks and 5 days, I was still in the single bed next to Matthew, and EVERYTHING for Nathan was still in the loft and very much UN-ready!

So, I woke suddenly, and for the first second or two I couldn't fathom what woke me. It was a bit early for me to spontaneously wake, though the boys often woke about half an hour after that. It only took me a couple of seconds to realise that I was in a WET bed. I was lying on my back and slightly on my side when I woke, and I just remember feeling wet. Not like a bucket of water or anything, but not damp either. I didn't dare move for a moment, and then I felt about to see how wet the bed was. I was wearing underwear and a top, and the first thing I noticed was that my underwear was wet at the front and underneath (not at the back). The bed under my lower half felt wet to the touch too, and I immediately thought it had to be one of two things:

a) I peed the bed (which I knew was a definite possibility, because it had already happened to several mothers-to-be on my due date forum online, and they'd gone into hospital thinking their waters had broken, only to return somewhat embarrassed about their bladder control!)

b) My waters broke.

Everyone was still sound asleep, so I got up straight away and went to the loo (in the dark). I peed without difficulty so wondered if I really could have peed the bed and still have pee left to do on the toilet?

I peeled off the wet underwear and went into the bedroom (where Neil and Arthur were sleeping) to fumble in the dark for a clean dry pair in the chest of drawers. Neil woke as I was putting them on and sleepily asked what was up. I told him I either peed the bed or my waters just broke, because I had woken up in a wet bed. He said, "Oh!" in a very disconcerted tone! That exchange took all of about 20 seconds, and that's how long I'd had my dry underwear on before I thought I'd just reach down and check if they felt damp or anything yet - they were already wet, but not as wet as the pair I'd just taken off.

It was beginning to feel a bit obvious that my waters must have broken, though I was still a bit in denial about it! I did a lot of shaking like a leaf and being all adrenaliney and wondering what to do, but not OUTRIGHT panicking or anything. The biggest anxiety on my mind was my little boys - Nathan too, but the fact that it meant I would have to go into hospital today, and I sooooooooo wasn't expecting to! And would my little loves be okay? I just didn't know.

Nathan was moving so I knew he was okay. Neil got up, and I heard Matthew wake, so I put him to the breast as usual for his morning breastfeed. It was just after 6am - slightly on the early side for Matthew, but not toooo unusual for him. I know he was sleepy though! He nursed for maybe 10 minutes and I shook with adrenaline soooo much the whole time. I tried to calm down but it was so hard! I felt sick and everything.

Neil took Matthew downstairs and I went to the loo to empty my bowels and check the "fluid". After my BM I think I am losing my mucus plug. It's clear and not bloody like with Arthur (I never even lost it with Matthew!), but it's THICK mucus, I can't break it when I wipe no matter how I try - it just hangs (sorry for the TMI!) and there is a lot of it.

I took the second lot of wet underwear off - again WET but just in a circular patch about 4 inches across, in the crotch area. With the light on this time, I can see it's clear. I did another fair-sized pee when I went to the toilet so I'm peeing fine and doesn't that mean it's not likely to be urine? I also did the smell test on the underwear I took off the second time - it does NOT smell like urine. It actually smells exactly like fabric softener, which I am loathed to admit because that's kind of classic amniotic fluid smell. :S For a moment I tried kidding myself that it was because the underwear was freshly laundered and new on, but hmmm, I don't think that's why the wet patch smells like that.

I have had quite a few normal Braxton Hicks, but otherwise no noticable uterine activity.

Arthur woke as I was finishing in the toilet, calling for me anxiously. Neil went to him but he wanted me. He wanted a cuddle and told me he was calling for me because he wanted me. He doesn't normally. Neil said Arthur had woken JUST before I woke up and asked for me then, too. He told Arthur that Mummy was sleeping and settled him back to sleep. Now he wonders if Arthur is aware of something going on that even we're not?

I was worried, because I was only 35 weeks and 5 days pregnant, and it just felt too early! It was quite a shock, because it was the last thing I expected to happen that day, lol! I knew I was also GBS (Group B Strep) positive, or at least I had been earlier in my pregnancy - my midwife appt for my re-test was supposed to be later that very morning.

I phoned the labour ward (exciting!) and told them my story. Of course, they said I would have to go in to check whether the wetness was amniotic fluid or not. By that time I had a new pair of knickers on with a sanitary pad, and it was already wet. I didn't know HOW wet because of the absorbency of the pad, but the surface felt wet and I could smell the fabric softener smell when I took my underwear down to check the pad or go to the toilet.

I was scared for Nathan. I knew he was a good size and that his lungs should be mature. I didn't want him to have a hospital stay though, and I knew that he might have to, if he arrived early. I was anxious about the GBS because I knew there was a big increase in risk for him (whether or not I had the IV antibiotics during labour) if he was born before 37 weeks, and the risk increased again if my waters broke before labour.

I felt anxious for my little boys, because there were so many unknowns - how long would I need to be in hospital? Would it upset them? Arthur wass already saying that he didn't want us to go to hospital to see the doctors :( I phoned Bennie (my brother) and he was getting himself ready to come over and look after the boys for us.

I also felt anxious because we were so NOT READY in our home for Nathan to be here! I hadn't even packed a hospital bag, and in any case, I had no clothes or nappies to hand for Nathan to pack, because everything was still in the loft in goodness knows which boxes, and not washed ready for him to wear! I felt so unprepared!

By 7.30am, I was feeling calmer. I was aware of fluid leaking out if I shifted myself in the chair or leaned to one side while sitting, and when walking around too. It was becoming much more noticable than earlier, when I first woke up wet. I also seemed to be losing more of my mucus plug, the same as I described earlier. I was having Braxton Hicks contractions as usual, and one or two of them were stronger than usual and hurt (which wasn't my norm at all up till then), although they didn't last long and didn't feel like labour contractions. Nathan was painfully wriggly at that time, shoving and pushing around. I had a shower and we started to try to get ourselves organised and ready to go into hospital.

I don't know how it managed to take us SO long to get there from when it all started that morning, but we didn't actually get to the labour ward (5 minutes drive from our house, haha!) till somewhere around 3pm!!! The midwife was not exactly pleased with us, but she understood we had to get child-care sorted and that we weren't exactly expecting this so we weren't prepared! We had waited till Bennie arrived (which was around 10.30 or 11am I think) and then just seemed to wander around the house either frantically or aimlessly, searching for this and that to pack, and stopping constantly to attend to the boys in one way or another, even though Bennie was there. I had a hospital bag to pack, both for me and the baby, and I had nothing ready! I was aware of fluid leaking the whole time, sometimes it felt constant and sometimes I would feel nothing for a while and then a small gush of fluid as I leaned for something. I felt sure my waters had broken by that time!

So, when Neil and I arrived at the hospital, we were shown into a nice delivery room. I had to pee and so on for them, and had the usual monitoring and blood pressure checks done. I was having no contractions at all, and Nathan was doing fine in there - healthy heartbeat and movements. It seemed like we had to wait ages, but it probably wasn't that long - 30 minutes or more maybe - for someone to actually examine me and check to confirm what that fluid was. I remember when the lady (doctor) finally came in with a student, and asked me to get up on the bed so she could examine me. As I pulled myself up onto the edge of the bed to lie down, I contracted my tummy muscles and felt a HUGE gush of fluid that made me stop in my tracks and feel kind of ewwy and wet. I KNEW my waters must have broken, and I was about to be amazed if they said not!

I lay down and the doctor did an internal examination. She was explaining what she was seeing to the student, and telling her that she didn't see any fluid leaking from my cervix (which was almost closed and still long, but soft, by the way). Then she said to me, "Give me a good cough, please" and so I took a breath and coughed once. I felt fluid leaking, and the doctor and student straightened up from their "peering" stance (hehe!) and she put her hands on her hips and sighed, and said to the student, "She's SROM." Which I took to mean "spontaneous rupture of membranes". I felt slightly adrenaliney at the confirmation, but victorious at being proved right, haha! ;)

After that, the midwife came back in and said we were getting this show on the road! I couldn't believe they wanted to induce me and that Nathan had no choice but to be born that very day/night!!! I don't know what I'd thought would happen, but that really wasn't the first thing that had occurred to me! She said it was because I was GBS+ that they wanted to get things going as fast as possible. The first priority, she said, was to get my first round of IV antibiotics set up and running, and then induce me around 4.30pm, right after that finished running. They didn't want to bother with cervical gel, they just wanted to start me on IV syntocinon to begin contractions, and go from there. I expressed concern about it, because I've always been anxious about induction methods, and how unnatural they are and the effects they can have therefore. The midwives I had were EXCELLENT, soooo wonderful, really. They put me at ease, and best of all the midwife who was assigned to me for the first half of my labour (and who did all my stuff when we arrived) had the most hysterical sense of humour. She had us laughing almost constantly, and that was a real relief from any waves of anxiety or doubt. She also struck me as ever so competent and knew what she was talking about, and therefore how to advise me, explain things to me, and ease my worries about procedures. I was so grateful to God for her, and just sad that it took me all night to labour unto birth, so that she ended her shift halfway through it :(

The midwife was very understanding about my fears re. induction, and she said they would really just give me EVER SUCH tiny doses of the IV syntocinon to start with, and very gradually increase it over time. They would monitor the baby carefully throughout, and pull back on the dosage if he seemed to be finding it bothersome. Also she said that if it felt like it was too intense for me, they would turn the dosage down too. So that reassured me a lot!

Just after 4pm we were moved across the hall to a less-nice (unfortunately!) delivery room, where I got my nightie on and settled into bed. At 4.30 they finally had everything ready to start my IV antibiotics. It was NO FUN having them put the IV in. I got poked and poked like a pin cushion and started to find it stressful and upsetting. The doctor put an IV in the back of my right hand (I HATE them in my hands, and have been known to insist on the inside of my elbow over my hands in the past) and it was soooooo unbelievably sore, I could hardly bear the searing burning pain which wasn't easing at all! I couldn't relax or breathe freely, it was so sore. I kept asking her, "Should it be this painful?!" but she seemed a bit rubbish actually, I wasn't impressed by that doctor at all. She didn't communicate with me much, and didn't seem too confident with what she was doing. She insisted it was fine, and that it would get less sore in a bit, etc. I just knew it wasn't right! But she stuck a big load of fluid into the IV anyway, and OW OW OW - the back of my hand puffed right up with that fluid in it! Tsk! She apologised and took it out. I just felt so upset about it - I hate having IVs put in my hands and find it physically draining with all the adrenaline. If it hurts a ton and then they have to start from scratch, that's the point at which I start crying and stuff. I didn't this time, but I was having a hard time not. It makes me so emotional, just having an IV! I have always found that, since my teens. Weird. Anyway.

Another doctor (thankfully!) came to do the IV, and I basically begged them to leave my hands alone! So they put one inside my left elbow, with no trouble at all (tsk! I could have told them that in the first place!). It's more fiddly in that I can't bend my arm about so much, and so I suppose my movement is more limited, but honestly it's so much nicer for me than having to worry about tubes all over my hand when I'm trying to brush my hair out of my eyes or hold my new baby. It hurts way more in my hands too, even when it's well positioned and my hand has become "used to it".

So, I had my IV antibiotics, which ran for 20 minutes. As soon as that finished, they switched the bag to syntocinon, and there I was, officially being induced - no turning back now! Nathan was monitored constantly so I was stuck on my back in the bed, but I really didn't mind. I had no pain or contractions and felt alert and fine. Neil was with me for company, and it was not a problem to me. I did keep thinking about my boys at home with Bennie, and wondering how they were doing. Worrying about it sometimes too, but I tried not to think about it like that for long. We had managed to contact my parents and I knew they would be getting on a ferry for England that night to get to us as quickly as they could. Ironically, they had JUST visited us the day before, having flown into London from a holiday in California the day before that! They went home to France on the night ferry and probably hadn't even disembarked when my waters broke early that morning!! They drove for hours from the ferry terminal, and arrived home around noon to get my phone message about my waters breaking, and then booked themselves on the night ferry back again that night, bless their hearts! I felt happy knowing they were on their way while I was lying there waiting to see what happened with my body and my baby boy!

I don't remember how long it took before I noticed contractions, but I was having some mild-to-moderate contractions by the time Neil left to go home and put the boys to bed around 6.30pm. I really don't remember anything about them at that stage, and didn't document it, but I was definitely having some. I remember my contractions weren't all that consistent for quite a long time - most of the evening really. They didn't all last long enough, and the gaps sometimes got too long between them, so they'd crank up the IV a bit. They wanted me to be having at least 3 moderate contractions in every 10 minutes, and for them to be regular and lasting over a minute. They often did seem that way, but they wouldn't all last over a minute and some were really quite mild, or the gap would be 6 minutes and then 2 minutes and 3 minutes, that kind of thing. They weren't too happy with that, because my cervix wasn't showing that it was ready for labour naturally as it was, and they needed the contractions to be effective. I was having no trouble with the contractions whatsoever. I could still talk through them and felt relaxed. I needed to focus when they came, but it was fine. I had no pain relief, though I had brought my TENS machine from home - it seemed a faff to get it all put on and I really didn't feel any need at that time, so I didn't.

At almost 8.30pm I had been on continuous IV syntocinon for 3.5 hours, and I was having 3 "moderate" contractions in every 10 mins - hoorah! I was still having no pain relief because I didn't feel the need yet. The midwives were telling me how well I was coping with the contractions, but I felt sure that it was because they were not "effective" contractions or something! I had not been checked to see how far dilated I was since the start, so I had no way of knowing if they really were "working" or not. The plan was to check me every 4hrs from the start of the IV.

Neil phoned around 8.15pm to say that the boys went to sleep beautifully within 20minutes with no trauma! I was so relieved but I was still worried about the night for them, and just hoping it would go okay. I knew I couldn't be sure that either of them would sleep through the night, and I didn't know what they would feel like waking up in the morning without Mummy or Daddy there. Bennie was staying with them, and sleeping with Arthur where Neil would normally be.

At 8.50pm the midwife turned off the syntocinon drip to set up my second round of IV antibiotics. She said it would be fine to turn off the syntocinon for the 20 minutes it would take to run the antibiotics, but after that they would turn the syntocinon drip up because my contractions were spacing apart a little. While I had my antibiotics, they checked my cervix again, and I'm so frustrated that I can't remember anything about it, nor do I have any record of how dilated I was at that check!!! Tsk. I THINK I was 2 or 3cm or something like that. Nothing more amazing or reassuring than that, and it made them even more determined to turn up the syntocinon when it went back on, to make my contractions more strong and effective. I was a bit disheartened, but I knew I was on a DRUG that would make my body do it in the end, so I didn't have the "urgh, my body's not doing it!" vibe/anxiety, and also I remembered the last time I was in labour and was only 3cm when the midwife checked me, but Matthew was born less than 2 hours later! ;) So I took heart and was not too discouraged. The staff were not pessimistic with me at all, and that helped. Neil got back from putting the boys to bed, and we settled in for the long-haul of the night where we knew our tiny baby boy would be born!

After the antibiotics finished, they set up the syntocinon again and turned it up. I did notice "improvement", shall we say (!), in the contractions pretty much straight away, but managed them fine. They were pleased with the effect and didn't turn it up any more, just let labour progress, so that was nice. It was very late in the evening - maybe nearer midnight? - when I noticed I would have to stop talking to deal with a contraction. The midwife and student (who took over from the lovely funny one earlier!) were very chatty with me which was nice, and I talked to them a lot. I remember being mid-chat and having to cut off mid-sentence and say, "Hang on a minute" and then just face ahead, focus on the little circular thing on the baby "warmer" in front of the bed, and just breathe as steadily and carefully as I could, blowing out gently. After that contraction, I started to resume the chatter as usual and the midwife said, "Ah! You're having to stop talking now, that's good!" and that's when it occurred to me for the first time that I was, and that meant progress, yay!

Sometime between midnight and 2am I had another round of IV antibiotics (my last one - they only give 3 rounds) and they let me rest with the lights dimmed right down. I wasn't struggling at all with the contractions, though it hurt and I needed to breathe to deal with them. I could do so quietly and in a very focused way, and then get back to normal right as the contraction faded off. I didn't feel AT ALL in need of pain relief, and that was so nice and empowering! I didn't even use my TENS! They kept on telling me how wonderfully I was doing, and I felt a little confused by it because I was sure I couldn't possibly cope so well till the actual birth, or surely it meant that things weren't progressing as far as we all thought?! But it was fine to manage at that point, and I was glad of it. I had a little rest and closed my eyes, but didn't sleep. Neil reclined on the chair as best he could and tried to nap. We were disturbed a bit by blood pressure checks and so on, and obviously a hospital isn't a quiet enough place to really rest, but it was a nice respite. If I had to pee (and they wanted me to a lot), they put a cardboard bedpan under me, which was a DIFFICULT manouvre and very uncomfortable! I was able to actually pee fine and quite frequently, so that was good. It's never helpful if you have a bladderful while trying to move a baby down and out! ;)

Here's the first of two photos taken in the delivery room (the other is after Nathan was born, later on in this story!), of me resting around this time:



Labour plodded on fairly intensely but manageably for the next couple of hours after that, and then I can't remember exactly when, but sometime before 5am I was NOT managing contractions so well at all! They were too intense and sharp and searing and I was finding that breathing and focusing were just not cutting it. I was contorting my hands and feet more (an actual sign that a woman is in more advanced labour) and saying, "Ow" more in a slightly heightened tone of voice, and feeling more tense. I was finding the tension much harder to relax against, and couldn't breathe myself over the peak of the pain - instead I would find the pain engulfing me and then I'd clutch about with tension in my body, feeling anxious and asking for help, etc. It was exactly how it went with Matthew's labour, and I recognised it. And it unnerved me because I knew how the REST of Matthew's labour went from then on! Scary and indescribably painful! So I was not at ease, to say the least! I began to need the midwives and Neil to help me through the contractions, and it became a case of surviving a contraction and then feeling anxious about the next one before it even arrived, and not knowing how to deal with another. They started to try me in different positions to try to help me with the pain, and very quickly I got so that every position just felt worse than the last one, and I couldn't put myself in ANY position that didn't feel unbearable. It was EXACTLY the same as Matthew. Exactly.

The only reassuring thing was that when things felt like that with Matthew, it was very close to when he was born, and things moved fast. I am not sure how clear I was in my mind at the time that I might be getting into transition. It just felt like I couldn't possibly manage another contraction, and I felt anxious and my noise levels were rising and rising. Not useful earthy-birthy noises, more higher pitched stuff that indicates NOT relaxing and dealing with anxiety instead. Not good! But I felt overwhelmed, and unable to control anything, and like I was going under. At that point, around 5.15am or maybe a little after that time, they wanted to check me to see how dilated I was, and I consented, but oh my GOSH it was so painful. They tried to check me between contractions but they were coming thick and fast so that wasn't easy. I yelled and wailed in pain while they did the examination, and was absolutely losing it after they finished, just writhing about and wailing and NOT managing the pain at all. I couldn't catch my breath when it hurt, and I couldn't take people asking me questions, and I couldn't keep still for the life of me because it just HURT. SO. MUCH. all the time. The midwife asked me if I wanted an epidural because their examination showed that I wasn't "there" yet, I was only 7cm dilated. She said it could go quickly or it might not, so if I was struggling then maybe I should consider pain relief. I really didn't want to get any, but I was thrown by the 7cm thing, and too confused to think clearly about the reality of how long it might take, and whether I could do it without help. While I was trying to process all this I had another huge contraction which I writhed and rocked and clutched and wailed through, and as that faded off I consented to an epidural. Once that was DONE in my mind, decision made, I just hoped they could hurry up as fast as possible and help me find some relief from the insurmountable pain. I just felt scared and panicked by how overwhelming it was, and so anxious about the next contraction and the next. I really didn't know how I could bear even one more.

Obviously the anaesthetist does not magically appear in the doorway the instant a labouring woman says breathlessly, "Please give me an epidural!" - it takes an insanely unbearable amount of time for them to be paged, finish what they're doing, stroll along the hallways, etc, and finally arrive ready to relieve you of much-pain! Sometimes they're in the middle of something so they can't come for a while (it was 45 minutes with Arthur - absolute torment, as I recall!). But they went away and came back quite quickly saying the anaesthetist had been paged and was on his/her way (I can't remember if it was a he or a she now).

So it really wasn't very long at all before he/she arrived, but I have no proper recollection of time, so I can't really say how long it was! I guess it was pretty quick since my memory says that, and usually time is exaggeratedly SLOW when waiting for pain relief, so it MUST have been quick, lol!

Meanwhile I had a couple more incredibly difficult contractions, and was very noisy and panicked dealing with them. They had raised the head of my bed up as high as it would go, almost upright, and I was kneeling on the bed hanging onto the top of the bed for dear life, clutching the rubbery mattress for all I was worth and trying to bear the pain. I remember I was gyrating my hips like crazy at that point just because it seemed like I had to fidget in that way, I couldn't not. It was part of coping with the physical sensation, but I know I hadn't needed to before then. I'm sure that was part of the stage of labour I'd reached, and I was unconsciously bringing my baby down as my cervix finished dilating.

There was a millisecond (or two) where I felt a bit sick, and INSTANTLY I flashbacked to Matthew's labour, and KNEW with absolute clarity that I was done with the first stage of labour. It all moved so fast with Matthew's labour that I had like 2 seconds of mild nausea and then it went and my womb immediately starting FORCING that baby out! So I remembered that very clearly all of a sudden, and became weirdly alert, though still feeling panicky, because the second stage was full of horrible and scary (and painful) sensations with Matthew, and I hadn't really got over that. So I was anxious about that being right around the corner, even if it meant I had nearly made it!

Then I remember the next contraction starting, and automatically doing the hip swing thing again, but the sensation shifted gear and I could feel a pressure as Nathan's head descended. It felt like I had a baby in my BOWEL and the sensation scared me (as it did with Matthew) in the same way you'd probably feel more than a little panicked if you went to the toilet for a random BM and once there realised that your BM was the size of a watermelon, and what's more there was no "containing" it - it was about to come out whether you liked it or not, and whatever it did to your body in the process! I just find it so scary. It's nearly 16 months ago and my heart is racing just writing this. It is NOT a nice memory. Which is why I've put off writing about it all this time. The birth of my baby is wonderful and elating, and I do look back fondly and am so very glad of the experience. But I can't shake the feelings and sensations associated with it, and honestly it's just a whole load of PANIC, fear, pain and other sensations that I can't even put words to, for me. I wish wish wish I could see it and experience it differently. I never used to view birth this way! I was confident before I ever gave birth, with a midwifery background and an addiction to birth! ;) And confident again after Arthur's birth, which was very very different, slow, controlled, and without sensation at the end, given that I had an epidural. I pushed for 2 hours without any urge to push and it was hard work. It hurt when his shoulders were delivered, but that's about it really. It had no resemblence to my next two births WHATSOEVER. Seriously.

So, there I was, wiggling my hips and feeling that baby boy descend and fill me out where it felt VERY uncomfortable to be filled out! For the 3rd time running, I had NO urge to push (I have never had that! What is up with that?!), just a horrible sensation of needing to poop a watermelon at speed. There was a sort of weird sensation alongside the contraction that maaayyybe felt like a bearing down sensation, but not one that I was overwhelmed with the urge to go along with and push, more like being aware that my body was bearing down whether I joined in or not. And I wailed out (loudly!), "I'm pooing, I'm pushing, I'm pooing, I'm pushing!" JUST as the anaesthetist walked through the doorway, hehe! He/she pivoted neatly on a heel and walked right back out again without a word, haha! ;)

After that we began my version of The Second Stage of Labour. This is FAST. I told the midwife several times that I birth FAST, and she assured me that they would be ready, but I could see right there that they were not "ready" like she had said they would be! They had no gloves on yet, and were still prettily unfolding the sterile delivery pack on the stainless steel trolley! I knew (as I'd told them!) that the MINUTE I started yelling about pooing or pushing that they only had like seconds before the baby would be born, and I remember even in the midst of all of it feeling exasperated that they hadn't heeded my warning to a T! Tsk. The other thing about The Second Stage of Labour for me is that it's scary and noisy. The sensations as the baby bullets down (and I don't use that word lightly) are just overwhelming and unbearable. Every contraction makes me wail out this high-pitched open-mouthed primal wail - it's not a scream, but it's a noisy wail if I ever heard one! ;) I REALLY really really don't like making that noise, but it's just like with Matthew's birth, I find that I have no control over it whatsoever. It seems to be reserved for the 2nd stage in place of pushing. Instead of an urge to push, I get an urge to wail like that. My babies are borne down and out by wailing. At the same time I'm in total panic over the sensation, and honestly it's like the whole rest of my body is desperately wanting to climb UP and away from the sensation lower down! There's no sense of wanting or needing to bear down with the baby to help him be born, just a need to escape the sensations in an upward direction! And to just slow it down, there's a real urgency in me to want it all to slow down. It's just too fast and I find it very hard to cope with the sensations that go with such speed. All those tissues have to just instantaneously be stretched and that HURTS, people. Hurts hurts hurts. In my diary entry later in the day after I gave birth, I said that I couldn't describe the PAIN in the second stage as he birthed, and that's the truth of it.

I was still leaning over the raised top of the bed, kneeling upright. I felt panicked and out of control, and Neil was round the top of the bed face-to-face with me. I remember clutching at him for HELP, any help, during a contraction, and feeling sooooooooo bad that I was staring wide-eyed with terror into his eyes and wailing as loud as I ever have. I knew my eyes were sure to be a picture of terror and pain, and even as it happened I felt bad that he was seeing that in me. This all sounds so OTT, doesn't it, and like it's a bit nuts of me, or like I'm over-exaggerating. Well, I promise you I'm not. Maybe it is OTT, but that is genuinely my experience of birth and how I WISH it was not like that! It seems/feels totally out of my control though, and so this is my experience. This is what I have been talking about when I say I don't cope too well, and I haven't wanted to write about Nathan's birth yet, and I'm really really anxious about giving birth again this time! I hope this birth account makes that a bit more clear for people reading here! I feel embarrassed to write it all because, well, just because. But it's Nathan's birth story, and I want to have everything recorded, so here it is anyway.

So where was I? Oh yes. Exactly like Matthew's birth, I felt Nathan's head corkscrew and descend right to crowning in about 2 seconds with one contraction. Or at least it seemed like a corkscrew kind of sensation anyway. The midwife was rushing about at that point, still not gloved-up properly and obviously taken aback at how fast he was coming, haha! I TOLD her! ;) She was barking very serious-sounding commands at people (staff) and I could tell she was hurrying to be ready to catch Nathan, and having some feeling that she might not make it with her gloves on or the delivery pack ready. We had a paediatrician in the room at this point because Nathan was born before term. And there seemed more people than usual, but I honestly wasn't taking much notice. There was a lot of bustle. I wasn't watching that end because of the position I was in. There was no slowing as Nathan crowned, as far as my body was concerned. I remember them saying frantically, "Don't push, don't push!" as his head crowned (which was a slow "pop" as I recall, a smooth 2 or 3 seconds from crowning to "popped out"!). I wasn't pushing at all, my body just kept the bearing down pressure going without me having any say in the matter. I did try to pant for some reason at that point, which I now think was daft of me because I wasn't even pushing! But at least it gave me a focus for a few seconds.

Nathan's head popped out and I don't know if anyone was attending it as such, though they were around the bed (they didn't have their gloves on ready yet! Really, the whole descending/crowning/birthing bit was about 60 seconds, and remember they were prettily unfolding the delivery pack when it started, hehe! The gloves are sterile, so they have to be put on "just so", which takes too long!). As with Matthew, the head popping out was instantly (within a second) followed by a sort of hefty but slippery corkscrew sensation inside and I felt his shoulders go "flick-flack" as they flipped out one by one as he rotated, and then it was over!

Instantly the pain and horribleness was GONE, and all I wanted was to see my new baby boy! I was facing away from him as he'd been born between my legs behind me, and I was just looking at the back of the bed, the wall beyond it, and my somewhat pale and traumatised-looking husband, who was moving round the bed to see the baby. Neil said when he looked at Nathan he just saw this tiny weeny little person sitting bolt upright on the bed, haha! The midwife had at least managed to take hold of him and held him sitting upright on the bed behind me while she called for help with something or other! I didn't seem to be able to twist round far enough to see him without shifting my knees from their kneeling position, and I didn't know where Nathan was or the umbilical cord or anything, so I didn't feel safe moving. I just kept saying, "I can't see him! I can't see him!" and then I think maybe somebody helped me move a little, or lifted something for me so that I could see it was safe to move a knee and rotate a little bit (I can't remember, I was just intent on seeing him and not noticing what anyone around me was doing), and there he was. He was still semi-sitting on the bed, and I was instantly hit like a sledgehammer with inconceivable love for this new precious little person. I think I may have even gasped out loud as I clapped eyes on his tiny body. The first thing I saw about him was how BEAUTIFUL he was, and I was still in my half-twisted kneeling position with my backside on show to the world, as I wailed out joyfully, "Ohhhh, he's so BEAUTIFUL! He's so gorgeous!" I have never done that before with my other babies at birth (though I thought they were beautiful too!), but this time it just overwhelmed me and I couldn't have kept quiet for anything.

I really don't remember too much else. I was helped to turn around and lay down reclining against the bed end, which was lowered somewhat for me, and then Nathan was laid on my tummy/chest inside my unbuttoned nightie, to help him keep warm.



He cried as soon as he was born and he had great Apgar scores (I think?? Or 8 and 10 or something great like that, for 35 weeks!). The midwife (sounding much calmer!) asked Neil if he wanted to cut the cord and he got up to do so, but he had actually flaked out lying on the recliner next to the bed because he came over faint and got scared he'd pass out! The midwife didn't notice this so she asked him cheerfully to come and cut the cord, and I think he did so, but it took him a while to recover and feel better. When she realised later, the midwife apologised to him for making him get up and cut the cord! ;) It surprised me that Neil came over faint when he had delivered his last baby himself! ;) I don't think he even saw Nathan born, being so busy with me at the "head end". He has always said that birth makes him squeamish, but he did great delivering Matthew!

I was found to have a second degree tear AGAIN. *sigh* Even with a tinier baby. They wondered at first if it was just a 1st degree tear, but it was just into 2nd degree territory. I was stitched up, which I really really really don't like and get very anxious and shaky and adrenaliney, but oh well. Oh, and I think I had a straightforward 3rd stage. I got a nice contraction and gave a push and out came the placenta, not too long after Nathan was born. I just held him as long as I could until they wanted to weigh him and check him (while I was stitched). He weighed 5lbs 13oz and was 48cm long (19 inches - the same length as Matthew when he was born at 41 weeks!!!). He had a little trouble maintaining his body temperature, but everything else was fine, and we were so amazed that he had arrived and was doing so well!

Nathan Martin was born at 5.42am on January 12th 2008 - my brother's birthday! My lovely brother spent his birthday at our house caring for our little boys, until my parents arrived (exhausted!) and took over. Nathan had no GBS related problems, and had the all-clear to go home just a couple of days after birth, having stayed on the ward with me during that time. I have been absolutely in love with him since I first laid eyes on him, and the intensity of that has continued these past 16 months! I'm nervous about giving birth again, but ohhhhhh how WORTH IT it was! :)

It's blurry, I know (the camera finally died 6 days later), but here is my sweet new tiny boy a few hours after he was born:



That first night in the hospital, where I couldn't sleep because I just wanted to hold him and gaze at him ALL NIGHT LONG:



Tiny boy with Daddy, one day old:



Fast asleep exactly as he really should still be at 36 weeks gestation on that day - one day old:





My perfect baby boy. Thank you Lord, for sweet little Nathan! What a gift he has been to us!