Nathan's Birth Story

I'm writing this soooo late! Much of it is taken from my diary entries over the few days around his birth (thank goodness I wrote in such detail!). I'm almost 31 weeks pregnant with baby #4 and I really want to write Nathan's birth story properly before I give birth again. Nathan's birth was wonderful and special and unique (as births are) but also FAST and scary and indescribably painful (in parts). I have really not felt like writing his birth story as a result, and have been more anxious about birth with this baby I'm currently carrying, than ever before. Which isn't good! I want to feel more positive about giving birth, and hope to find ways to cope better this time. But anyway! Here is Nathan's birth story. I'm saving it as I go because I feel sure I won't be able to write it all in one go, properly. I'll have to carefully read and check the entries I wrote back when it was all happening, and add photos where they belong too. Reading those entries back does trigger memories of details I hadn't written about, so I'm hoping to make one big COMPLETE birth story here. Hope I finish it before this baby is born, haha! ;)

Nathan was due on February 10th 2008. My other two babies had been born after my due date - Arthur at 40 weeks and 4 days (lonnnnng labour though) and Matthew at 41 weeks exactly after a cervical stretch and sweep of my membranes by the midwife at my 41 week appointment the day before, at home. So I was totally expecting him to arrive AFTER my due date. What a surprise I got! ;)

A bit before 6am on January 11th 2008, I woke up suddenly. I was sleeping in the single bed next to Matthew's cot, as I had done for most of the time since Matthew was born, to make night feedings easier! Neil and Arthur were still co-sleeping in our big floorbed in the main bedroom. It was never the plan to be that long with Matthew, but time just passed and he kept night nursing and it was just sooooo easy. We had plans to change that all around in the weeks before Nathan arrived, because Arthur would go into Matthew's room in the single bed, and I would go back into the main bedroom with Neil, and put a new cot next to it for Nathan. But anyway. At 35 weeks and 5 days, I was still in the single bed next to Matthew, and EVERYTHING for Nathan was still in the loft and very much UN-ready!

So, I woke suddenly, and for the first second or two I couldn't fathom what woke me. It was a bit early for me to spontaneously wake, though the boys often woke about half an hour after that. It only took me a couple of seconds to realise that I was in a WET bed. I was lying on my back and slightly on my side when I woke, and I just remember feeling wet. Not like a bucket of water or anything, but not damp either. I didn't dare move for a moment, and then I felt about to see how wet the bed was. I was wearing underwear and a top, and the first thing I noticed was that my underwear was wet at the front and underneath (not at the back). The bed under my lower half felt wet to the touch too, and I immediately thought it had to be one of two things:

a) I peed the bed (which I knew was a definite possibility, because it had already happened to several mothers-to-be on my due date forum online, and they'd gone into hospital thinking their waters had broken, only to return somewhat embarrassed about their bladder control!)

b) My waters broke.

Everyone was still sound asleep, so I got up straight away and went to the loo (in the dark). I peed without difficulty so wondered if I really could have peed the bed and still have pee left to do on the toilet?

I peeled off the wet underwear and went into the bedroom (where Neil and Arthur were sleeping) to fumble in the dark for a clean dry pair in the chest of drawers. Neil woke as I was putting them on and sleepily asked what was up. I told him I either peed the bed or my waters just broke, because I had woken up in a wet bed. He said, "Oh!" in a very disconcerted tone! That exchange took all of about 20 seconds, and that's how long I'd had my dry underwear on before I thought I'd just reach down and check if they felt damp or anything yet - they were already wet, but not as wet as the pair I'd just taken off.

It was beginning to feel a bit obvious that my waters must have broken, though I was still a bit in denial about it! I did a lot of shaking like a leaf and being all adrenaliney and wondering what to do, but not OUTRIGHT panicking or anything. The biggest anxiety on my mind was my little boys - Nathan too, but the fact that it meant I would have to go into hospital today, and I sooooooooo wasn't expecting to! And would my little loves be okay? I just didn't know.

Nathan was moving so I knew he was okay. Neil got up, and I heard Matthew wake, so I put him to the breast as usual for his morning breastfeed. It was just after 6am - slightly on the early side for Matthew, but not toooo unusual for him. I know he was sleepy though! He nursed for maybe 10 minutes and I shook with adrenaline soooo much the whole time. I tried to calm down but it was so hard! I felt sick and everything.

Neil took Matthew downstairs and I went to the loo to empty my bowels and check the "fluid". After my BM I think I am losing my mucus plug. It's clear and not bloody like with Arthur (I never even lost it with Matthew!), but it's THICK mucus, I can't break it when I wipe no matter how I try - it just hangs (sorry for the TMI!) and there is a lot of it.

I took the second lot of wet underwear off - again WET but just in a circular patch about 4 inches across, in the crotch area. With the light on this time, I can see it's clear. I did another fair-sized pee when I went to the toilet so I'm peeing fine and doesn't that mean it's not likely to be urine? I also did the smell test on the underwear I took off the second time - it does NOT smell like urine. It actually smells exactly like fabric softener, which I am loathed to admit because that's kind of classic amniotic fluid smell. :S For a moment I tried kidding myself that it was because the underwear was freshly laundered and new on, but hmmm, I don't think that's why the wet patch smells like that.

I have had quite a few normal Braxton Hicks, but otherwise no noticable uterine activity.

Arthur woke as I was finishing in the toilet, calling for me anxiously. Neil went to him but he wanted me. He wanted a cuddle and told me he was calling for me because he wanted me. He doesn't normally. Neil said Arthur had woken JUST before I woke up and asked for me then, too. He told Arthur that Mummy was sleeping and settled him back to sleep. Now he wonders if Arthur is aware of something going on that even we're not?

I was worried, because I was only 35 weeks and 5 days pregnant, and it just felt too early! It was quite a shock, because it was the last thing I expected to happen that day, lol! I knew I was also GBS (Group B Strep) positive, or at least I had been earlier in my pregnancy - my midwife appt for my re-test was supposed to be later that very morning.

I phoned the labour ward (exciting!) and told them my story. Of course, they said I would have to go in to check whether the wetness was amniotic fluid or not. By that time I had a new pair of knickers on with a sanitary pad, and it was already wet. I didn't know HOW wet because of the absorbency of the pad, but the surface felt wet and I could smell the fabric softener smell when I took my underwear down to check the pad or go to the toilet.

I was scared for Nathan. I knew he was a good size and that his lungs should be mature. I didn't want him to have a hospital stay though, and I knew that he might have to, if he arrived early. I was anxious about the GBS because I knew there was a big increase in risk for him (whether or not I had the IV antibiotics during labour) if he was born before 37 weeks, and the risk increased again if my waters broke before labour.

I felt anxious for my little boys, because there were so many unknowns - how long would I need to be in hospital? Would it upset them? Arthur wass already saying that he didn't want us to go to hospital to see the doctors :( I phoned Bennie (my brother) and he was getting himself ready to come over and look after the boys for us.

I also felt anxious because we were so NOT READY in our home for Nathan to be here! I hadn't even packed a hospital bag, and in any case, I had no clothes or nappies to hand for Nathan to pack, because everything was still in the loft in goodness knows which boxes, and not washed ready for him to wear! I felt so unprepared!

By 7.30am, I was feeling calmer. I was aware of fluid leaking out if I shifted myself in the chair or leaned to one side while sitting, and when walking around too. It was becoming much more noticable than earlier, when I first woke up wet. I also seemed to be losing more of my mucus plug, the same as I described earlier. I was having Braxton Hicks contractions as usual, and one or two of them were stronger than usual and hurt (which wasn't my norm at all up till then), although they didn't last long and didn't feel like labour contractions. Nathan was painfully wriggly at that time, shoving and pushing around. I had a shower and we started to try to get ourselves organised and ready to go into hospital.

I don't know how it managed to take us SO long to get there from when it all started that morning, but we didn't actually get to the labour ward (5 minutes drive from our house, haha!) till somewhere around 3pm!!! The midwife was not exactly pleased with us, but she understood we had to get child-care sorted and that we weren't exactly expecting this so we weren't prepared! We had waited till Bennie arrived (which was around 10.30 or 11am I think) and then just seemed to wander around the house either frantically or aimlessly, searching for this and that to pack, and stopping constantly to attend to the boys in one way or another, even though Bennie was there. I had a hospital bag to pack, both for me and the baby, and I had nothing ready! I was aware of fluid leaking the whole time, sometimes it felt constant and sometimes I would feel nothing for a while and then a small gush of fluid as I leaned for something. I felt sure my waters had broken by that time!

So, when Neil and I arrived at the hospital, we were shown into a nice delivery room. I had to pee and so on for them, and had the usual monitoring and blood pressure checks done. I was having no contractions at all, and Nathan was doing fine in there - healthy heartbeat and movements. It seemed like we had to wait ages, but it probably wasn't that long - 30 minutes or more maybe - for someone to actually examine me and check to confirm what that fluid was. I remember when the lady (doctor) finally came in with a student, and asked me to get up on the bed so she could examine me. As I pulled myself up onto the edge of the bed to lie down, I contracted my tummy muscles and felt a HUGE gush of fluid that made me stop in my tracks and feel kind of ewwy and wet. I KNEW my waters must have broken, and I was about to be amazed if they said not!

I lay down and the doctor did an internal examination. She was explaining what she was seeing to the student, and telling her that she didn't see any fluid leaking from my cervix (which was almost closed and still long, but soft, by the way). Then she said to me, "Give me a good cough, please" and so I took a breath and coughed once. I felt fluid leaking, and the doctor and student straightened up from their "peering" stance (hehe!) and she put her hands on her hips and sighed, and said to the student, "She's SROM." Which I took to mean "spontaneous rupture of membranes". I felt slightly adrenaliney at the confirmation, but victorious at being proved right, haha! ;)

After that, the midwife came back in and said we were getting this show on the road! I couldn't believe they wanted to induce me and that Nathan had no choice but to be born that very day/night!!! I don't know what I'd thought would happen, but that really wasn't the first thing that had occurred to me! She said it was because I was GBS+ that they wanted to get things going as fast as possible. The first priority, she said, was to get my first round of IV antibiotics set up and running, and then induce me around 4.30pm, right after that finished running. They didn't want to bother with cervical gel, they just wanted to start me on IV syntocinon to begin contractions, and go from there. I expressed concern about it, because I've always been anxious about induction methods, and how unnatural they are and the effects they can have therefore. The midwives I had were EXCELLENT, soooo wonderful, really. They put me at ease, and best of all the midwife who was assigned to me for the first half of my labour (and who did all my stuff when we arrived) had the most hysterical sense of humour. She had us laughing almost constantly, and that was a real relief from any waves of anxiety or doubt. She also struck me as ever so competent and knew what she was talking about, and therefore how to advise me, explain things to me, and ease my worries about procedures. I was so grateful to God for her, and just sad that it took me all night to labour unto birth, so that she ended her shift halfway through it :(

The midwife was very understanding about my fears re. induction, and she said they would really just give me EVER SUCH tiny doses of the IV syntocinon to start with, and very gradually increase it over time. They would monitor the baby carefully throughout, and pull back on the dosage if he seemed to be finding it bothersome. Also she said that if it felt like it was too intense for me, they would turn the dosage down too. So that reassured me a lot!

Just after 4pm we were moved across the hall to a less-nice (unfortunately!) delivery room, where I got my nightie on and settled into bed. At 4.30 they finally had everything ready to start my IV antibiotics. It was NO FUN having them put the IV in. I got poked and poked like a pin cushion and started to find it stressful and upsetting. The doctor put an IV in the back of my right hand (I HATE them in my hands, and have been known to insist on the inside of my elbow over my hands in the past) and it was soooooo unbelievably sore, I could hardly bear the searing burning pain which wasn't easing at all! I couldn't relax or breathe freely, it was so sore. I kept asking her, "Should it be this painful?!" but she seemed a bit rubbish actually, I wasn't impressed by that doctor at all. She didn't communicate with me much, and didn't seem too confident with what she was doing. She insisted it was fine, and that it would get less sore in a bit, etc. I just knew it wasn't right! But she stuck a big load of fluid into the IV anyway, and OW OW OW - the back of my hand puffed right up with that fluid in it! Tsk! She apologised and took it out. I just felt so upset about it - I hate having IVs put in my hands and find it physically draining with all the adrenaline. If it hurts a ton and then they have to start from scratch, that's the point at which I start crying and stuff. I didn't this time, but I was having a hard time not. It makes me so emotional, just having an IV! I have always found that, since my teens. Weird. Anyway.

Another doctor (thankfully!) came to do the IV, and I basically begged them to leave my hands alone! So they put one inside my left elbow, with no trouble at all (tsk! I could have told them that in the first place!). It's more fiddly in that I can't bend my arm about so much, and so I suppose my movement is more limited, but honestly it's so much nicer for me than having to worry about tubes all over my hand when I'm trying to brush my hair out of my eyes or hold my new baby. It hurts way more in my hands too, even when it's well positioned and my hand has become "used to it".

So, I had my IV antibiotics, which ran for 20 minutes. As soon as that finished, they switched the bag to syntocinon, and there I was, officially being induced - no turning back now! Nathan was monitored constantly so I was stuck on my back in the bed, but I really didn't mind. I had no pain or contractions and felt alert and fine. Neil was with me for company, and it was not a problem to me. I did keep thinking about my boys at home with Bennie, and wondering how they were doing. Worrying about it sometimes too, but I tried not to think about it like that for long. We had managed to contact my parents and I knew they would be getting on a ferry for England that night to get to us as quickly as they could. Ironically, they had JUST visited us the day before, having flown into London from a holiday in California the day before that! They went home to France on the night ferry and probably hadn't even disembarked when my waters broke early that morning!! They drove for hours from the ferry terminal, and arrived home around noon to get my phone message about my waters breaking, and then booked themselves on the night ferry back again that night, bless their hearts! I felt happy knowing they were on their way while I was lying there waiting to see what happened with my body and my baby boy!

I don't remember how long it took before I noticed contractions, but I was having some mild-to-moderate contractions by the time Neil left to go home and put the boys to bed around 6.30pm. I really don't remember anything about them at that stage, and didn't document it, but I was definitely having some. I remember my contractions weren't all that consistent for quite a long time - most of the evening really. They didn't all last long enough, and the gaps sometimes got too long between them, so they'd crank up the IV a bit. They wanted me to be having at least 3 moderate contractions in every 10 minutes, and for them to be regular and lasting over a minute. They often did seem that way, but they wouldn't all last over a minute and some were really quite mild, or the gap would be 6 minutes and then 2 minutes and 3 minutes, that kind of thing. They weren't too happy with that, because my cervix wasn't showing that it was ready for labour naturally as it was, and they needed the contractions to be effective. I was having no trouble with the contractions whatsoever. I could still talk through them and felt relaxed. I needed to focus when they came, but it was fine. I had no pain relief, though I had brought my TENS machine from home - it seemed a faff to get it all put on and I really didn't feel any need at that time, so I didn't.

At almost 8.30pm I had been on continuous IV syntocinon for 3.5 hours, and I was having 3 "moderate" contractions in every 10 mins - hoorah! I was still having no pain relief because I didn't feel the need yet. The midwives were telling me how well I was coping with the contractions, but I felt sure that it was because they were not "effective" contractions or something! I had not been checked to see how far dilated I was since the start, so I had no way of knowing if they really were "working" or not. The plan was to check me every 4hrs from the start of the IV.

Neil phoned around 8.15pm to say that the boys went to sleep beautifully within 20minutes with no trauma! I was so relieved but I was still worried about the night for them, and just hoping it would go okay. I knew I couldn't be sure that either of them would sleep through the night, and I didn't know what they would feel like waking up in the morning without Mummy or Daddy there. Bennie was staying with them, and sleeping with Arthur where Neil would normally be.

At 8.50pm the midwife turned off the syntocinon drip to set up my second round of IV antibiotics. She said it would be fine to turn off the syntocinon for the 20 minutes it would take to run the antibiotics, but after that they would turn the syntocinon drip up because my contractions were spacing apart a little. While I had my antibiotics, they checked my cervix again, and I'm so frustrated that I can't remember anything about it, nor do I have any record of how dilated I was at that check!!! Tsk. I THINK I was 2 or 3cm or something like that. Nothing more amazing or reassuring than that, and it made them even more determined to turn up the syntocinon when it went back on, to make my contractions more strong and effective. I was a bit disheartened, but I knew I was on a DRUG that would make my body do it in the end, so I didn't have the "urgh, my body's not doing it!" vibe/anxiety, and also I remembered the last time I was in labour and was only 3cm when the midwife checked me, but Matthew was born less than 2 hours later! ;) So I took heart and was not too discouraged. The staff were not pessimistic with me at all, and that helped. Neil got back from putting the boys to bed, and we settled in for the long-haul of the night where we knew our tiny baby boy would be born!

After the antibiotics finished, they set up the syntocinon again and turned it up. I did notice "improvement", shall we say (!), in the contractions pretty much straight away, but managed them fine. They were pleased with the effect and didn't turn it up any more, just let labour progress, so that was nice. It was very late in the evening - maybe nearer midnight? - when I noticed I would have to stop talking to deal with a contraction. The midwife and student (who took over from the lovely funny one earlier!) were very chatty with me which was nice, and I talked to them a lot. I remember being mid-chat and having to cut off mid-sentence and say, "Hang on a minute" and then just face ahead, focus on the little circular thing on the baby "warmer" in front of the bed, and just breathe as steadily and carefully as I could, blowing out gently. After that contraction, I started to resume the chatter as usual and the midwife said, "Ah! You're having to stop talking now, that's good!" and that's when it occurred to me for the first time that I was, and that meant progress, yay!

Sometime between midnight and 2am I had another round of IV antibiotics (my last one - they only give 3 rounds) and they let me rest with the lights dimmed right down. I wasn't struggling at all with the contractions, though it hurt and I needed to breathe to deal with them. I could do so quietly and in a very focused way, and then get back to normal right as the contraction faded off. I didn't feel AT ALL in need of pain relief, and that was so nice and empowering! I didn't even use my TENS! They kept on telling me how wonderfully I was doing, and I felt a little confused by it because I was sure I couldn't possibly cope so well till the actual birth, or surely it meant that things weren't progressing as far as we all thought?! But it was fine to manage at that point, and I was glad of it. I had a little rest and closed my eyes, but didn't sleep. Neil reclined on the chair as best he could and tried to nap. We were disturbed a bit by blood pressure checks and so on, and obviously a hospital isn't a quiet enough place to really rest, but it was a nice respite. If I had to pee (and they wanted me to a lot), they put a cardboard bedpan under me, which was a DIFFICULT manouvre and very uncomfortable! I was able to actually pee fine and quite frequently, so that was good. It's never helpful if you have a bladderful while trying to move a baby down and out! ;)

Here's the first of two photos taken in the delivery room (the other is after Nathan was born, later on in this story!), of me resting around this time:



Labour plodded on fairly intensely but manageably for the next couple of hours after that, and then I can't remember exactly when, but sometime before 5am I was NOT managing contractions so well at all! They were too intense and sharp and searing and I was finding that breathing and focusing were just not cutting it. I was contorting my hands and feet more (an actual sign that a woman is in more advanced labour) and saying, "Ow" more in a slightly heightened tone of voice, and feeling more tense. I was finding the tension much harder to relax against, and couldn't breathe myself over the peak of the pain - instead I would find the pain engulfing me and then I'd clutch about with tension in my body, feeling anxious and asking for help, etc. It was exactly how it went with Matthew's labour, and I recognised it. And it unnerved me because I knew how the REST of Matthew's labour went from then on! Scary and indescribably painful! So I was not at ease, to say the least! I began to need the midwives and Neil to help me through the contractions, and it became a case of surviving a contraction and then feeling anxious about the next one before it even arrived, and not knowing how to deal with another. They started to try me in different positions to try to help me with the pain, and very quickly I got so that every position just felt worse than the last one, and I couldn't put myself in ANY position that didn't feel unbearable. It was EXACTLY the same as Matthew. Exactly.

The only reassuring thing was that when things felt like that with Matthew, it was very close to when he was born, and things moved fast. I am not sure how clear I was in my mind at the time that I might be getting into transition. It just felt like I couldn't possibly manage another contraction, and I felt anxious and my noise levels were rising and rising. Not useful earthy-birthy noises, more higher pitched stuff that indicates NOT relaxing and dealing with anxiety instead. Not good! But I felt overwhelmed, and unable to control anything, and like I was going under. At that point, around 5.15am or maybe a little after that time, they wanted to check me to see how dilated I was, and I consented, but oh my GOSH it was so painful. They tried to check me between contractions but they were coming thick and fast so that wasn't easy. I yelled and wailed in pain while they did the examination, and was absolutely losing it after they finished, just writhing about and wailing and NOT managing the pain at all. I couldn't catch my breath when it hurt, and I couldn't take people asking me questions, and I couldn't keep still for the life of me because it just HURT. SO. MUCH. all the time. The midwife asked me if I wanted an epidural because their examination showed that I wasn't "there" yet, I was only 7cm dilated. She said it could go quickly or it might not, so if I was struggling then maybe I should consider pain relief. I really didn't want to get any, but I was thrown by the 7cm thing, and too confused to think clearly about the reality of how long it might take, and whether I could do it without help. While I was trying to process all this I had another huge contraction which I writhed and rocked and clutched and wailed through, and as that faded off I consented to an epidural. Once that was DONE in my mind, decision made, I just hoped they could hurry up as fast as possible and help me find some relief from the insurmountable pain. I just felt scared and panicked by how overwhelming it was, and so anxious about the next contraction and the next. I really didn't know how I could bear even one more.

Obviously the anaesthetist does not magically appear in the doorway the instant a labouring woman says breathlessly, "Please give me an epidural!" - it takes an insanely unbearable amount of time for them to be paged, finish what they're doing, stroll along the hallways, etc, and finally arrive ready to relieve you of much-pain! Sometimes they're in the middle of something so they can't come for a while (it was 45 minutes with Arthur - absolute torment, as I recall!). But they went away and came back quite quickly saying the anaesthetist had been paged and was on his/her way (I can't remember if it was a he or a she now).

So it really wasn't very long at all before he/she arrived, but I have no proper recollection of time, so I can't really say how long it was! I guess it was pretty quick since my memory says that, and usually time is exaggeratedly SLOW when waiting for pain relief, so it MUST have been quick, lol!

Meanwhile I had a couple more incredibly difficult contractions, and was very noisy and panicked dealing with them. They had raised the head of my bed up as high as it would go, almost upright, and I was kneeling on the bed hanging onto the top of the bed for dear life, clutching the rubbery mattress for all I was worth and trying to bear the pain. I remember I was gyrating my hips like crazy at that point just because it seemed like I had to fidget in that way, I couldn't not. It was part of coping with the physical sensation, but I know I hadn't needed to before then. I'm sure that was part of the stage of labour I'd reached, and I was unconsciously bringing my baby down as my cervix finished dilating.

There was a millisecond (or two) where I felt a bit sick, and INSTANTLY I flashbacked to Matthew's labour, and KNEW with absolute clarity that I was done with the first stage of labour. It all moved so fast with Matthew's labour that I had like 2 seconds of mild nausea and then it went and my womb immediately starting FORCING that baby out! So I remembered that very clearly all of a sudden, and became weirdly alert, though still feeling panicky, because the second stage was full of horrible and scary (and painful) sensations with Matthew, and I hadn't really got over that. So I was anxious about that being right around the corner, even if it meant I had nearly made it!

Then I remember the next contraction starting, and automatically doing the hip swing thing again, but the sensation shifted gear and I could feel a pressure as Nathan's head descended. It felt like I had a baby in my BOWEL and the sensation scared me (as it did with Matthew) in the same way you'd probably feel more than a little panicked if you went to the toilet for a random BM and once there realised that your BM was the size of a watermelon, and what's more there was no "containing" it - it was about to come out whether you liked it or not, and whatever it did to your body in the process! I just find it so scary. It's nearly 16 months ago and my heart is racing just writing this. It is NOT a nice memory. Which is why I've put off writing about it all this time. The birth of my baby is wonderful and elating, and I do look back fondly and am so very glad of the experience. But I can't shake the feelings and sensations associated with it, and honestly it's just a whole load of PANIC, fear, pain and other sensations that I can't even put words to, for me. I wish wish wish I could see it and experience it differently. I never used to view birth this way! I was confident before I ever gave birth, with a midwifery background and an addiction to birth! ;) And confident again after Arthur's birth, which was very very different, slow, controlled, and without sensation at the end, given that I had an epidural. I pushed for 2 hours without any urge to push and it was hard work. It hurt when his shoulders were delivered, but that's about it really. It had no resemblence to my next two births WHATSOEVER. Seriously.

So, there I was, wiggling my hips and feeling that baby boy descend and fill me out where it felt VERY uncomfortable to be filled out! For the 3rd time running, I had NO urge to push (I have never had that! What is up with that?!), just a horrible sensation of needing to poop a watermelon at speed. There was a sort of weird sensation alongside the contraction that maaayyybe felt like a bearing down sensation, but not one that I was overwhelmed with the urge to go along with and push, more like being aware that my body was bearing down whether I joined in or not. And I wailed out (loudly!), "I'm pooing, I'm pushing, I'm pooing, I'm pushing!" JUST as the anaesthetist walked through the doorway, hehe! He/she pivoted neatly on a heel and walked right back out again without a word, haha! ;)

After that we began my version of The Second Stage of Labour. This is FAST. I told the midwife several times that I birth FAST, and she assured me that they would be ready, but I could see right there that they were not "ready" like she had said they would be! They had no gloves on yet, and were still prettily unfolding the sterile delivery pack on the stainless steel trolley! I knew (as I'd told them!) that the MINUTE I started yelling about pooing or pushing that they only had like seconds before the baby would be born, and I remember even in the midst of all of it feeling exasperated that they hadn't heeded my warning to a T! Tsk. The other thing about The Second Stage of Labour for me is that it's scary and noisy. The sensations as the baby bullets down (and I don't use that word lightly) are just overwhelming and unbearable. Every contraction makes me wail out this high-pitched open-mouthed primal wail - it's not a scream, but it's a noisy wail if I ever heard one! ;) I REALLY really really don't like making that noise, but it's just like with Matthew's birth, I find that I have no control over it whatsoever. It seems to be reserved for the 2nd stage in place of pushing. Instead of an urge to push, I get an urge to wail like that. My babies are borne down and out by wailing. At the same time I'm in total panic over the sensation, and honestly it's like the whole rest of my body is desperately wanting to climb UP and away from the sensation lower down! There's no sense of wanting or needing to bear down with the baby to help him be born, just a need to escape the sensations in an upward direction! And to just slow it down, there's a real urgency in me to want it all to slow down. It's just too fast and I find it very hard to cope with the sensations that go with such speed. All those tissues have to just instantaneously be stretched and that HURTS, people. Hurts hurts hurts. In my diary entry later in the day after I gave birth, I said that I couldn't describe the PAIN in the second stage as he birthed, and that's the truth of it.

I was still leaning over the raised top of the bed, kneeling upright. I felt panicked and out of control, and Neil was round the top of the bed face-to-face with me. I remember clutching at him for HELP, any help, during a contraction, and feeling sooooooooo bad that I was staring wide-eyed with terror into his eyes and wailing as loud as I ever have. I knew my eyes were sure to be a picture of terror and pain, and even as it happened I felt bad that he was seeing that in me. This all sounds so OTT, doesn't it, and like it's a bit nuts of me, or like I'm over-exaggerating. Well, I promise you I'm not. Maybe it is OTT, but that is genuinely my experience of birth and how I WISH it was not like that! It seems/feels totally out of my control though, and so this is my experience. This is what I have been talking about when I say I don't cope too well, and I haven't wanted to write about Nathan's birth yet, and I'm really really anxious about giving birth again this time! I hope this birth account makes that a bit more clear for people reading here! I feel embarrassed to write it all because, well, just because. But it's Nathan's birth story, and I want to have everything recorded, so here it is anyway.

So where was I? Oh yes. Exactly like Matthew's birth, I felt Nathan's head corkscrew and descend right to crowning in about 2 seconds with one contraction. Or at least it seemed like a corkscrew kind of sensation anyway. The midwife was rushing about at that point, still not gloved-up properly and obviously taken aback at how fast he was coming, haha! I TOLD her! ;) She was barking very serious-sounding commands at people (staff) and I could tell she was hurrying to be ready to catch Nathan, and having some feeling that she might not make it with her gloves on or the delivery pack ready. We had a paediatrician in the room at this point because Nathan was born before term. And there seemed more people than usual, but I honestly wasn't taking much notice. There was a lot of bustle. I wasn't watching that end because of the position I was in. There was no slowing as Nathan crowned, as far as my body was concerned. I remember them saying frantically, "Don't push, don't push!" as his head crowned (which was a slow "pop" as I recall, a smooth 2 or 3 seconds from crowning to "popped out"!). I wasn't pushing at all, my body just kept the bearing down pressure going without me having any say in the matter. I did try to pant for some reason at that point, which I now think was daft of me because I wasn't even pushing! But at least it gave me a focus for a few seconds.

Nathan's head popped out and I don't know if anyone was attending it as such, though they were around the bed (they didn't have their gloves on ready yet! Really, the whole descending/crowning/birthing bit was about 60 seconds, and remember they were prettily unfolding the delivery pack when it started, hehe! The gloves are sterile, so they have to be put on "just so", which takes too long!). As with Matthew, the head popping out was instantly (within a second) followed by a sort of hefty but slippery corkscrew sensation inside and I felt his shoulders go "flick-flack" as they flipped out one by one as he rotated, and then it was over!

Instantly the pain and horribleness was GONE, and all I wanted was to see my new baby boy! I was facing away from him as he'd been born between my legs behind me, and I was just looking at the back of the bed, the wall beyond it, and my somewhat pale and traumatised-looking husband, who was moving round the bed to see the baby. Neil said when he looked at Nathan he just saw this tiny weeny little person sitting bolt upright on the bed, haha! The midwife had at least managed to take hold of him and held him sitting upright on the bed behind me while she called for help with something or other! I didn't seem to be able to twist round far enough to see him without shifting my knees from their kneeling position, and I didn't know where Nathan was or the umbilical cord or anything, so I didn't feel safe moving. I just kept saying, "I can't see him! I can't see him!" and then I think maybe somebody helped me move a little, or lifted something for me so that I could see it was safe to move a knee and rotate a little bit (I can't remember, I was just intent on seeing him and not noticing what anyone around me was doing), and there he was. He was still semi-sitting on the bed, and I was instantly hit like a sledgehammer with inconceivable love for this new precious little person. I think I may have even gasped out loud as I clapped eyes on his tiny body. The first thing I saw about him was how BEAUTIFUL he was, and I was still in my half-twisted kneeling position with my backside on show to the world, as I wailed out joyfully, "Ohhhh, he's so BEAUTIFUL! He's so gorgeous!" I have never done that before with my other babies at birth (though I thought they were beautiful too!), but this time it just overwhelmed me and I couldn't have kept quiet for anything.

I really don't remember too much else. I was helped to turn around and lay down reclining against the bed end, which was lowered somewhat for me, and then Nathan was laid on my tummy/chest inside my unbuttoned nightie, to help him keep warm.



He cried as soon as he was born and he had great Apgar scores (I think?? Or 8 and 10 or something great like that, for 35 weeks!). The midwife (sounding much calmer!) asked Neil if he wanted to cut the cord and he got up to do so, but he had actually flaked out lying on the recliner next to the bed because he came over faint and got scared he'd pass out! The midwife didn't notice this so she asked him cheerfully to come and cut the cord, and I think he did so, but it took him a while to recover and feel better. When she realised later, the midwife apologised to him for making him get up and cut the cord! ;) It surprised me that Neil came over faint when he had delivered his last baby himself! ;) I don't think he even saw Nathan born, being so busy with me at the "head end". He has always said that birth makes him squeamish, but he did great delivering Matthew!

I was found to have a second degree tear AGAIN. *sigh* Even with a tinier baby. They wondered at first if it was just a 1st degree tear, but it was just into 2nd degree territory. I was stitched up, which I really really really don't like and get very anxious and shaky and adrenaliney, but oh well. Oh, and I think I had a straightforward 3rd stage. I got a nice contraction and gave a push and out came the placenta, not too long after Nathan was born. I just held him as long as I could until they wanted to weigh him and check him (while I was stitched). He weighed 5lbs 13oz and was 48cm long (19 inches - the same length as Matthew when he was born at 41 weeks!!!). He had a little trouble maintaining his body temperature, but everything else was fine, and we were so amazed that he had arrived and was doing so well!

Nathan Martin was born at 5.42am on January 12th 2008 - my brother's birthday! My lovely brother spent his birthday at our house caring for our little boys, until my parents arrived (exhausted!) and took over. Nathan had no GBS related problems, and had the all-clear to go home just a couple of days after birth, having stayed on the ward with me during that time. I have been absolutely in love with him since I first laid eyes on him, and the intensity of that has continued these past 16 months! I'm nervous about giving birth again, but ohhhhhh how WORTH IT it was! :)

It's blurry, I know (the camera finally died 6 days later), but here is my sweet new tiny boy a few hours after he was born:



That first night in the hospital, where I couldn't sleep because I just wanted to hold him and gaze at him ALL NIGHT LONG:



Tiny boy with Daddy, one day old:



Fast asleep exactly as he really should still be at 36 weeks gestation on that day - one day old:





My perfect baby boy. Thank you Lord, for sweet little Nathan! What a gift he has been to us!

30 weeks, 4 days!

The big three-oh!! Three-quarters of the way through my pregnancy! I just typed, "I can't believe" but then deleted it because that phrase is getting used every single time I update here, and that is probably getting old to read! ;) But it's still true, anyway! I'm amazed to be into the 30s already - that's the home-stretch!! Nathan was born at 35 weeks so that's only 5 weeks away, which is NO time! There, I went and typed, "I can't believe" again and had to delete it, hehe! ;) I now have less than 10 weeks to go until my due date. Is that not crazy?! Nathan was unusual - my waters broke for no apparent reason, and that's not my norm! So I'm not expecting the same thing to happen again, or anything like it really. My "norm" from my first two babies is that I do not go into labour till after my due date - Matthew was born at 41 weeks exactly! I sooooo don't want to wait till 41 weeks again this time! But I'm fully expecting to reach my due date still pregnant. You never know, but that's my expectation. I'm thinking AFTER July 8th (my due date). Any guesses yet? Or should I save that for nearer the time?! I'm thinking maybe July 10th or 11th. Or 12th. Or something like that. Weird stats seem to indicate that my babies are always born between the 9th and the 14th of the month so far, whether they're a bit late or really early! Small window, no? Sure enough, this baby is also due close to that window, so I'm expecting to give birth between July 9th and July 14th. We shall see! :)

Well, I should have a 30-week belly picture for the gallery, but we haven't taken one yet! I know I need to get a move on and get one taken because I'll be 31 weeks before I can blink - the weeks are zipping by that fast, and there are only 3 days till 31 weeks now. Another belly picture would be due at 32 weeks so I should get the 30 week one done now!

Baby boy (who I can't help but think is really and truly to be named Benjamin, lately) now weighs 3lbs or more!!! Yay, the 3lb mark! :) And he's 15.7 inches long. Getting so big! He FILLS my big baby bump! I can feel him all over it, his back, his limbs, his little bottom. My mum says I am carrying much more neatly this time and she thinks I have not gained weight like I usually do, because I still look "little" everywhere else, but have a baby bump on the front! And Neil says she's right, and that I'm carrying very much all-on-the-front this time. I think I always carry low and front-ish-ly so I can't really see the difference this time. I'm not sure about the weight thing. I weighed myself at 29 weeks and 2 days, and I can assure you that I most certaintly HAVE gained weight, haha! I was kind of shocked to see 11 stone on the scales! Like, my eyes nearly fell out, that kind of shocked! ;) I'm sure I was 9 stone something the last time I checked! After calming down a little bit (hehe!), I did some calculations, and discovered that actually I have not gained fifty million pounds yet, because I had forgotten that I started this pregnancy around 9 stone - I weigh more than the last time every time I start a new pregnancy. I lose weight without trouble in the postpartum period, but it takes till about 6 months postpartum to really start falling off, and then I get pregnant before it's finished doing its thang! ;)

Anyway I worked out that I had gained 28 or 29lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight (my pre-pregnancy weight was give-or-take a lb because I wasn't too accurate with it in the first place!). I checked my pregnancy diary (love this thing!) and was surprised (amused?!) to see that I weighed myself at exactly 29 weeks and 2 days with Arthur! And I had gained 28lbs that day! From the start of the 3rd trimester till about 34 weeks, I had gained the same number of lbs as I was in pregnancy weeks, so 29lbs (ish!) at 29 weeks, etc, week by week. I was pretty much on track with that with Matthew's pregnancy but I gained a few lbs less at this stage with him. With Nathan, I last weighed myself at only about 23.5 weeks, because the battery on my scales went after that, and I never replaced it. And then he came early anyway, so I will never know! But it's reassuring to see that this time is basically exactly the same as it always goes! At 29 weeks, I have gained 29lbs, which is the same weight gain to the lb (pretty much) as with Arthur's pregnancy. So, now that I'm 30 weeks I am thinking that I have now gained 30lbs ish. The down side to all this is that with Arthur I had gained 54lbs by the time he was born! And 55lbs with Matthew. I wish I had an idea with Nathan, but I suspect I was on the same track, weight-gain wise, because the earlier weigh-ins before the scales broke were right on track with Arthur's pregnancy, more so than Matthew's (which was very similar but ever so slightly less weight gained until the end). So if he hadn't come early I'm sure I would have gained approximately 55lbs, and shall probably do so again this time. That's just how I do it, it seems, but the thing that bothers me this time is that I started heavier than any of the other times, so if I gain 55lbs I will be cracking on for 13 stone!!!!! Which is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too heavy for my frame, and my wellbeing, really and truly. I was very uncomfortable at 11 stone 5lbs (my finishing weight with Arthur - only a couple of lbs away this time already!), and more so at the end of Matthew's pregnancy.

But hey ho! I will keep track of my weight for comparison, and TRY not to start stressing about it after all this time! It drives me crazy, weight-obsession in pregnancy, so I will try not to jump on board and obsess! ;)

Okay, it's now late and I need to finish what I'm writing. I got Neil to take a belly picture, and it's now in the gallery, yay! My face IS starting to look weighty, more so than last time for sure. I prefer this week's belly photo with me looking down at my little baby bumpy boy, therefore! At first glance my belly looks smaller in the photo than previous belly pics (the last two), but the angle is slightly different. Last time Neil took it at a slight upward angle, on a level with my bump. This time he took it from my head height, and that seems to affect how big my bump looks. Last time it looked huge, haha! If I look at the proportions with my hands on it and distance out from my hips and down from my bust, then I can see it's bigger. I certainly feel bigger than at 28 weeks!

Also since I started this diary entry tonight, I have spent some time listening to worship music with my headphones on (so as not to disturb Neil who was watching a movie). I listened to Chris Tomlin's album - "Hello Love" (which is fab if a bit rocky!). There's a song on it that I made reference to in my arthursmummy blog, called "Exalted (Yahweh)" which reeeally moved me when I first heard it. Anyway I got to that song on the CD and my little one inside me gave me a couple of little bumps and wiggles, reminding me of his sweet little presence in there. So I decided to let him listen to that worship song properly. I put the headphones right on my tummy and played him the whole nearly-six-minutes of the song. I felt so happy when I was holding those headphones there, because the words are all about how GREAT the Lord is, and how exalted, and how holy his name is. I love letting those wonderful words of truth wash over my unborn baby, sung with such feeling and power! He was still - completely still - for 5 minutes and 38 seconds, and then the last notes faded out over the next few seconds, and as soon as that happened he started kicking and thumping with at least 3 limbs at once, really really hard! It was such a big contrast to when the music was playing! I talked to him and stroked my bump and asked him if he liked it. He kept on and on kicking and bumping with his hands in there, until I started to wonder if he wanted to hear more, so I put the song back to the beginning and put the headphones back on my tummy. He went quiet again! He gave a gentle tap-tap halfway through the song, and otherwise was quiet the whole time. He kicked vigorously after it was finished. I don't know what the means, but it made me feel very fond of him all the same! :) I must try to remember to play him music more often. I did it a lot with Arthur, and a bit with Matthew, but I'm not sure if I did at ALL with Nathan! :( It was mainly classical music or jazz that Daddy wrote and played for the other boys. If I had to choose one particular thing to play this time, it would be worship music. There's nothing more important in this baby's whole life than knowing his Maker. I wanted to talk to him throughout the whole song, to tell him, "This is the One who made you, this is who they're singing about! I can't wait to teach you about such a wonderful God!" but I didn't want to interrupt him listening to the music. When I listen to music like this and stop to think for even a split second about my God and my unborn baby in my womb, I feel instantly overwhelmed with emotions I can't even put to type here, or to words that I can speak. Wonderful ones though, and awestruck ones. I wish I could be more specific! But there aren't words.

Well, I think I should call it a night. It's getting late! It's Bank Holiday Monday tomorrow so I will not have to get up so early as I usually do, and that's nice! Neil gets up with the boys, and I get up when he has to get ready for work (they get up EARLY!), but he lets me lie in when he doesn't have to go to work :) Today I exhausted myself completely just trying on a zillion maternity outfits for Cameron's family's party. I mean, I ended up having to lie down on my left side and stay reeeally still on my bed for 25 minutes which made us late, but I felt so weak and nauseous and wiped out. I felt overly tired at the party but we had fun anyway, and by the time we got home I was nauseous and breathless and feeling sore in my lower back, which started to have more and more of a menstrual feel to it and crept round the front too :S So, I had to just go to bed and lie down on my left side again (that's what they recommend for heavily pregnant women! It's the best position to avoid the heavy uterus/baby putting pressure on the uterine artery). I forgot to drink enough today so that might have had something to do with it. I felt so grim though. I put Nathan and Matthew to bed, and Neil did most of Arthur's bedtime routine. I tucked him in and then came downstairs (slowwwwly, everything suddenly feels like I must walk slowwwly and carefully for some reason), and drank a huge glass of water in one go. Then I refilled and rested on the sofa, and over the evening my nausea has lifted and I feel better physically, just very very tired in my eyes. I feel dizzy quite a bit. So I should go to bed!

I'm getting more Braxton Hicks contractions lately, which is good and normal! They are getting noticably stronger these days and are really quite uncomfortable and tight now. Sometimes I have to stop what I'm doing and just rub my tummy gently and consciously relax. I don't have to breathe through them or anything, and they're not painful. They're just very uncomfortably tight and I need to focus on relaxing so they don't feel worse than they need to. I have had far fewer Braxton Hicks contractions than with Arthur's pregnancy though, this time. I can't remember how it compares with Matthew or Nathan's off the top of my head.

Neil felt the baby clearly a few mornings ago, for the first time. Judging by the look on his face, I think it was the first time he really connected with the baby in there. In the mornings when I wake up, I am occasionally lying flat on my back (which is not how I sleep through the night - I lie almost exclusively on my sides now, and sleeping isn't too bothersome or uncomfy this pregnancy (so far!) which is nice!). If I have been flat on my back for any length of time, I always find that the little one has sort of "floated up" and is CLEARLY palpable through my tummy. His feet actually reach my ribs, and that's the only time I feel them that high. One morning I was feeling his little foot high up just under my rib on my right side, and I suddenly thought that if his FOOT was that much higher, wouldn't it be likely that I could feel his whole head more easily, since it would likely be out of my pelvis completely and there for the feeling, given how big and solid it is now?! So I felt the rest of my tummy, and I was AMAZED at what I could feel. I could feel his WHOLE body, clearly. His foot was high up, and I could feel his whole leg bent slightly at the knee. I could feel his knee sticking out slightly like a little knobble, just above my tummy button. His back I could feel wide and smooth on my left side, all the way down and curving around towards the middle of my tummy low down. And at the end of his back, there was a ball like a small grapefruit, but HARD as anything - so clearly his sweet little head! I don't remember if I have ever felt anything like this, it was so incredible and such an amazing bonding moment. I could really FEEL my baby, his whole little body (and he's still so little!), and it was almost as magical as holding him for a moment there. I called Neil in and said, "Feel the baby!" He hasn't shown much interest (again *sigh*) this pregnancy, and he did his usual sort of obliging face and put his hand on my tummy. I showed him the baby's foot and he felt it and said, "Oh yes!" as he usually does when I ask him to feel this or that, before removing his hand and getting back to whatever computer game or movie (yes, I am struggling slightly with this, but oh well) that he was watching. But this time I was in bed so he wasn't distracted by the TV or computer for once. Then I said, "You can feel his head really clearly!" and showed him where. He put his hand there and gasped, and his face changed so suddenly! He started feeling the baby's shape with more interest and followed the little back up to the leg. He said, "Amazing...." and then another one of our little boys called for his attention, so he stopped. But I'm glad he got to really feel the baby and have that moment of realisation that yes, there's a real baby in there! And he's ours. And he's getting bigger, getting ready to come out and join us, and be part of our family. I for one can't WAIT to meet him! I am unable to really explain how totally in love with him I am already. I'm just longing to hold him and see his sweet face, what he looks like. I can't wait to kiss his face and feel his warmth in my arms, and his skin against mine. My sweet baby boy! Somebody asked me today at the party when we were going to STOP having babies, hehe! And I said that I didn't know how I ever would. I really really really 100% mean that. I know one day that I WILL, obviously, one way or another. But I don't know how I'll ever WANT to stop, or be okay with that. I could honestly keep on having babies forever. I love it so very much, and it seems to just get more wonderful each and every time.

Well, I just feel full of praise to God all of a sudden, and I just want to say THANK YOU LORD for my sweet babies, and that you've opened my womb again and again! I'm so blessed, I can't believe it (there, I said it, haha!). Thank you Jesus.

28 weeks, 4 days

I'm 28 weeks pregnant! So amazing to me. Baby boy is now roughly 2lbs 8oz and 15 inches long!!! I know I'm still only at the beginning of my 3rd trimester, but it's all starting to feel like there's not that long to go and that I'm really on the home stretch. I'm not REALLY in that zone yet, where I totally REALISE it and start getting things ready, checking off lists, etc. In fact, I haven't made any lists yet, aaarrgh! I feel like, surely if I haven't made or checked off any lists, I can't possibly be ready for the baby when he comes?! ;)

I had a great 28-week appointment with the midwife on Wednesday. I took all the boys to the Sure Start centre where the new clinic is, and it went great. Arthur and Matthew played with the toys and things in the big hall very happily while I went in with the midwife. I took Nathan in with me, because he's super clingy to me right now and I wasn't about to put him down, let alone let him out of my sight! He likes to be held if we're near people he doesn't know, so that's what I do at the moment. He didn't cry though, and is starting to cry less with strangers unless they approach him - he just watches them warily till he realises they're okay!

So my blood pressure was 110/60 - hooray! :) And I had a headache that day but not as bad as the previous one, and I'd had the whole week without one, so it was fine. I haven't had that facial puffiness since the time before either. I'm sure there will be more of that to come as I get more pregnant - I seem to remember it from my other pregnancies. But I'm glad I'm without it for now!

I didn't have a urine sample with me, so I had to take one of those little tubes and go and do one. I took Nathan with me, and I wasn't sure how to juggle it! In the end, he held the spare sample tube (for me to use at HOME next time before we go - much more sensible!) and stood in front of the toilet in the cubicle, while I did my sample. He was most intrigued, haha! He kept craning his neck to see under me, and his eyes were really popping out! He kept saying, "Doh! Doh!" very urgently! ;) So that worked out fine in the end. My urine sample was completely clean - absolutely nothing in it at all! No sugar, protein, or the blood that was present last time, so I'm really happy about that.

Nathan was okay with me putting him down on the floor while I got on the examination table for the midwife to check my tummy. He stood and held onto the table, and was happy enough with the student chatting to him while he stood there, so that was good! I've had to have him lying on my chest in the past while they've checked my tummy, so this is an improvement! :)

The baby is still head-down, yay! He is also pretty high up, in regards to the position of his head. She wrote in my notes "free", and showed me where it was - actually way above my pelvis and even above my bikini line!!! I carry my babies low in general, and Nathan was my lowest yet (see pics in his belly gallery!), so I was surprised to hear that this baby boy is so high up! I don't think my bump particularly looks high at all, and I don't feel crowded up at the top of my bump. He's tucked up nice and neatly, just resting high out of my pelvis for now. Because he's my 4th baby, and he's so high, he could change positions a lot still, but I'm hoping he continues with his head-down trend till he settles lower and stays there!

His heart rate was 150-160, and he was kicking and active the whole time. She said his resting heart rate would have been lower if he hadn't been so active while we were listening. I never get an actual number for his heart rate at appointments, so it was nice to hear it this time!

The midwife talked to me a little bit about what comes next, and about the birth. My next appointment isn't till 34 weeks - that's ages! It seems odd to me to have a 6-week gap at this late stage of pregnancy, but oh well! She told me that first-time mothers have a 32-week appointment, but they don't do that for subsequent pregnancies for some reason. I can't remember that from the last 2 times, but that may well have been the case. So, my 34 week appointment is at the end of May, and is labelled as the "birth discussion" appointment! She said she would like me to have decided where I want to give birth so I can tell them at the next appointment, and I said that I was having trouble deciding, and would I be able to chat to them about it before that time? So we had a quick chat about it, but we're also going to discuss it further next time. I think they'd still like a decision for the next appointment though. After that I have a 37-week appointment where if I am having a homebirth, they'll bring round the birth pack. The midwife said that I should probably have a birth pack brought round at 37 weeks even if I choose a hospital birth, because I will want to start labouring at home probably, and if things go fast (which they could, and very!) then I'll end up with a homebirth after all and will need the birth pack. That's a great idea, so I'll be getting my homebirth pack this time either way! I'm quite excited about that!

Truth be told, I really would probably prefer a homebirth. I like being at home. I know my body can do birth, since it's been there and done that a few times, and babies are popping out of me with ease lately, haha! It doesn't mean that's how it will always go, of course, but I feel confident in my body and not like I NEED to be in hospital in case I need help giving birth or anything. It's nice to labour at home early on - soooo nice. I can deal with labour absolutely great until about 7cm dilated, which so far has been about 30 minutes at most before I give birth. The time in between is where I want to be in hospital getting HELP - I don't even know what "help" I'm after, just anything, ANYTHING will do, lol! I don't know how to bear that 30 minutes this time, it's overwhelming and scary and so beyond what I can manage in the pain department. I make scary amounts of noise during that time, and my main anxiety is the boys and the fact that I can't seem to control it. I'm so worried that I'll disturb their sleep (and then WHO will go to them and comfort them while I'm in that particular stage of labour/birth?! Not that they'll even BE comforted if they wake to that kind of noise anyway!), and that I'll traumatise them permanently! I just WISH I could control it, because just that alone would probably be enough for me to 100% go for a homebirth. It's mainly just the noise factor. Because, although the pain/overwhelming thing feels like too much to deal with even now, REALLY it's only 30 minutes (it does feel like a lot longer, though!), and when I'm on the other side of that with my sweet baby boy in my arms, I will be sooooooooooooo glad to be at home - that part is for my children's benefit too, but will it be at too great a cost before that point, with the screaming and such?! I don't know.

The hospital appeals in that I can avoid scaring the boys and disturbing sleep, etc. I still feel terribly uncomfortable making such a noise as I KNOW I'm disturbing (and probably scaring) other birthing women around me. I felt awful about that last time, in the hospital, but I just could NOT stop myself :( Also, if it's too much, I guess there are pain-relief options there (I'm thinking epidural, mainly). Though, I am not sure I want one of those. It's only the last 30 minutes! Before that, I manage contractions in silence and totally calmly, keeping my body relaxed and breathing it through. I haven't found that difficult. It's crazy how so completely it changes once I get near to transition, and then it's so short after that. I wouldn't want an epidural before that point when I'm dealing so well with it and in no need for such an intervention. I'd rather not have ANY pain relief or intervention whatsoever, ideally. But if I'm in hospital at least the option is there, and being anxious about the pain as I am, that appeals somewhat.

At home, I can rest straight away in my own place, and not need to "come home" and appear to my children after being absent, with a new baby they've never met before. I prefer never leaving them, for their secure continuity, and for them to meet the baby the moment we do, or very soon thereafter, in their own secure and familiar home. I hated being away from them last time, it broke my heart! I know they missed me and it affected them a little (especially Arthur). It's so seamless when I give birth at home, for the children. On the other hand, once I got over the hormonal snorty sobbing at missing my kids last time (!!), it was nice to be removed, just to have a good long time to bond closely with my tiny boy without distraction. It was nice to be away from any sort of responsibility, knowing they were cared for around the clock at home while I recovered a bit in hospital. BUT, back to the first hand (!), the hospital was not a restful place to be, and I slept terribly and didn't regain my strength or energy well at all. Nights were disturbed, other babies cried, and the bed and lighting was unfamiliar - the food too. At home when I had Matthew, I gave birth at 10.45pm, got stitched up and bathed, and fell into MY OWN BED with my baby asleep next to me in the Moses basket, at about 2am. I didn't sleep a wink that night, just in awe of the little person outside of my body instead of inside, and the fact that it was so wonderfully surreal to be at home in my bed as usual even though I just had a baby a few hours ago! It was lovely, and I was so excited, I didn't sleep one little bit. But the next day I was able to stay in my own bed as much as I liked, see my own sweet family and my little boy as much as either of us wanted to, and eat my own familiar food, have access to all my things, use my own toilet, etc. It was SO WONDERFUL. Hmmm, perhaps I'm answering my own question? I love just waffling things out in my diary! It so often helps me actually see things in better perspective and make the decision that I thought I couldn't make!

Like last time I wrote an update, where I was saying about the girl twins, and got reminded of the fact that God SAID "the next baby is Benjamin". That really made me stop in my tracks and remember exactly why we are using Benjamin (in whatever form) in the first place. It felt like there shouldn't really be any question over what his name is! God said his name is Benjamin. I know we could use it as a middle name, but why, if God said quite simply, his name is Benjamin?! I said this to Neil and read out the diary entry, and he took that away to think about. He said that he has gone off Noah again - I don't know why, he just is on and off about the names we're considering, but he hasn't been suggesting any other names for a good few weeks now.

Anyway then we had a good chat about the name Benjamin. His main reservation before was that it was my brother's name, but he said that really he doesn't see my brother as Benjamin at all. He has never known him as Benjamin - his name is Bennie. Nobody ever calls him Benjamin, from birth really. Just occasionally my mum when he was being naughty, or playfully she occasionally called him "Benjamin-bean" because it had a catchy rhythm :) But otherwise, as far as Neil is concerned, his name ISN'T Benjamin, so that takes away his original main reservation. I wish I was happy sharing our surname here, because that always has a big part to play in our name choices, obviously! But I don't, not on a public blog. Oh well! Some of you do know my surname so you'll know what I'm talking about, but we both think Benjamin "Surname" (it's 2 syllables and begins with K) sounds like a wonderfully strong "man's" name. It reminds me of Benjamin Franklin for some reason, and the same strong kind of sound is there for the name Benjamin with our surname, I think. We love that! It's goes better with our surname, in my opinion, than any of our other children's names. Their names all go really nicely (I'm lucky to have married a man whose surname goes with basically everything except names with a couple of K sounds in them or something!) with our surname, but Benjamin is soooooo especially nice. It's such a strong-sounding name! I really love it! We also both STRONGLY want to use it as a full-name. We have no intention of shortening it, even with my weakness for shortening and cutesifying names! ;) I'm sure I will do something with it, and who knows what it might end up like, but Neil and I like the name Benjamin, not Bennie, or Ben, or Benji. I used to particularly dislike Ben, maybe because I was biased by having a brother named Bennie, who never went by the name Ben at all, and I liked that (there were so many Bens around anyway!). But lately I'm thinking how much I quite like Ben, and would be happy if that's what his name got shortened to in the end. Neil feels the same way on that. We have no intention of calling him Ben though, only Benjamin - if that's the name we do go with. We haven't really discussed it completely yet, but that last thing Neil said was that he's feeling happier all the time with the idea of naming the baby Benjamin. I have no idea what we'll do for a middle name, but that will be the fun part - searching and choosing just the right one! :) I'm looking forward to that!

Okay I will save this in Blogger and finish it this evening. The boys are out at the park (Arthur has a horrid cold but he's eager to go and run in the open air as usual, so they're out in the lovely sunshine on the wide open grass!) with Neil, and I am roasting a chicken, so I need to stop this now and put the potatoes and parsnips in the oven! And then make a bread-and-butter pudding. I just feel like one, and I haven't made one in aaaages. Back later! :)

It's later (very late!) and I'm back. Not much time now to write more stuff, but I wanted to complete this the same day I started it! I can always write another update with more another time :) Arthur has had a much more quiet and restful sleep this evening, so hopefully he's turning the corner already with his cold? Neil has since come down with it and is stuffed up completely, and Nathan has woken 6 times this evening alone, screeching miserably and is difficult to console, so I am guessing his poor baby throat is all sore :( I wish I had more milk to soothe his throat with, but that can't be helped. I have a little colostrum, and he's soothed by breastfeeding, so that's what I'm doing for him. He had Calpol but it doesn't seem to have helped this evening. So, I need to go to bed in case it's a LONG night! Plus, I keep having to stop what I'm doing online to go and soothe him and settle him back to sleep, and that will probably happen again in a minute, so I should finish up quickly and go to bed.

I think the other things I wanted to say were that I need to weigh myself, just to have an idea to compare. 28 weeks seems to me to be a good "square" time to weigh myself and that's probably what I did in other pregnancies, so I can compare how I'm gaining weight with the other times if I weigh myself now. I'll try to remember tomorrow. I'm longing to bake things all the time this past month, and have made cakes, brownies, biscuits, chocolate refridgerator cake(s!) and so on. And consumed embarrassing quantities of them! ;) So, I'm sure my weight is rising rapidly, hehe! It always does anyway - I gain basically the same each pregnancy, 54/55lbs, although I have no way of knowing that for last pregnancy since Nathan came early and I hadn't weighed myself in a bit when he did. But my weight gain before then was right on track with my previous two pregnancies. So far this pregnancy, it is on track again, so I'm sure I'll end up 54lbs heavier than when I started, or something along those lines!

What else? I'm having a lot more Braxton Hicks contractions lately. I really haven't had much bother with those this pregnancy, compared with other pregnancies. It's just started in the last 2 or 3 weeks, and now they are getting quite a bit stronger and more uncomfortable.

I have a 28-week belly picture, yay! It's in the gallery :) Never mind the slight upward angle (Neil was sitting down) and the slightly tense expression! Arthur was waking upstairs crying with his sore throat for the millionth time that evening, and we were rushing to get the belly picture taken and get upstairs to console him! I am bigger than last time, for sure! I am not carrying as low as I did with Nathan - I keep looking back at that gallery and I'm amazed at how lowwwww he was, especially around this stage and beyond! Yikes!

I'm having to pee a TON more lately. Annoyingly frequently, actually! The other day I went TEN TIMES in the daytime!!! I'm a 2-3 times a day girl when not affected by pregnancy, so 10 times feels crazy to me! I never get through a night without having to get up and pee now, either. Baby beany boy feels pretty heavy in there now and I'm feeling a lot of pelvic pressure (despite him not even being in there yet, haha!). I am waddling a LOT when I walk, and keep trying to correct it because surely there's no NEED to waddle like that?! But I just waddle without thinking, and it is somewhere between uncomfortable and painful when I walk, all the time. I think I'm waddling to protect myself a little from more discomfort - I sort of walk gingerly, and I do it without thinking about it. My pelvis hurts across the back and also around the pubic bone area, but NOTHING like my pubic bone normally hurts when I'm pregnant (again with the higher baby??), so that's nice! It hurts at the back sort of down into my buttock on one side too, like the little tiny joints in my pelvis are all under pressure to the point where they hurt and want to "click" back into place to feel better again, but can't. That sort of thing. If I've been sitting down for any length of time, it's really sore when I start waddling, er, walking when I get up! ;) That's par for the course really, so I am not actually complaining - just making note. It comes hand in hand with being all big and round and pregnant, and MAN I love that part, so I'm not too put out about the discomfort (yet!)!

Okay, Nathan stirs again, so I will stop for now and write again if I remember something important.

27 weeks, 4 days - hello 3rd trimester!!!

Another gap that's longer than I would have liked to leave it, tsk. But here I am anyway! It's Easter and the boys are out for a walk. The atmosphere is horrible and heavy and it's making all of us feel heavy and exhausted and sleepy and irritable and restless. Urgh. I really don't like it when the weather is like this! It's not the WEATHER as such, just some sort of weird "air" - pressure maybe? I don't know. Anyway, it's horrible and this is the second day running (today is worse though). I hope it changes soon!

I have reached my final trimester of pregnancy!!!!! How in the wiiiide world?!?!?! It just amazes me that I'm here, at this stage. I can't fathom being actually near to my due date. But there are less than 8 weeks to go until the time I gave birth to Nathan, and less than 10 weeks till I reach full-term. Just under 13 weeks to go till my DUE DATE! Amazing. I know that time will fly by, and then I will actually go ahead and really and truly have another baby! *boggle*

Baby Tiny is now around the 2lb mark, and measures 14.5 inches from head to heel!! He's getting so big. Talking of which, he's getting so big!!! Seriously. This weather thing is not helping, but just this week I have plopped right into 3rd trimester mode, and suddenly feel heavy, exhausted and breathless practically all the time. It was a lovely 4-day week this week (in terms of Neil at work) because of Good Friday, but 3 of those 4 days, I was absolutely forced to lie on the sofa by 2pm (same time each day, pretty much) because I honestly could not keep my eyes open. All the email pregnancy updates and books MOCK me, saying how I need to make sure I have a nap every afternoon from this stage of pregnancy onwards, because I will probably be noticing how my body needs it, etc, etc. How badly does that mock the mother of many small children, who has no choice but to stay awake while the kids who don't nap stay awake too, however desperately and achingly and tearfully she needs it! It kind of makes it more frustrating that the mother of many small children who CAN'T nap actually needs to nap during pregnancy way more than the first-time pregnant mama to whom the advice is referring (who still needs to nap, but I'm just saying!)! Tsk.

So, I'm really feeling exhausted and overwhelmed this past week. I'm not dealing with run-of-the-mill stuff at all well, like the boys' behaviour (see other blog - not even going to post a link because it's a bit too shameful even!), stuff not happening when I want it to, and incessantly crying/whining little ones. Even with Neil home this long weekend (and thus his huuuuge support when the boys are being difficult), I am losing it easily. In the week I just would get angry at the boys more. Now I am still feeling angry, but also despairing, which is a new degree of hormonal helplessness! ;) This weekend was I think the first time the boys have been difficult (read: horrible) and I have just cried and sobbed right in front of them, because I had absolutely nothing else left and was suddenly OVERWHELMED with emotion and could not for the life of me have waited till I was upstairs somewhere more private, or stemmed the flow even a little bit. Even when all was resolved and calm again (some time later) I was still going, and had to make considerable effort to pull myself together otherwise I think I would have kept on crying and sobbing for a good hour or two. I kid you not! I just feel so fragile emotionally and weighed down hormonally right now. I'm sure it's just pregnancy, but it's not any fun right now! Hopefully it'll balance out again soon.

I had an unexpected midwife appointment this week, which I totally meant to write about at the time, but just haven't had time to unless I'd have stayed up crazy late to do so. I think it must have been the day after my last entry here or something - it was last Sunday, so I was 26 weeks and 4 days. I had a really bad headache all day that wouldn't go away. I took 3 rounds of painkillers (as in, every 4 hours, 3 times), none of which even touched it. I also felt a bit dizzy and wanted to blink more than usual (sounds weird I know), but can't say that I had any visual trouble as such. During the afternoon, I felt like I was really retaining water more than usual in my face, and wondered if that was the cause of my headache - just fluid retention in my head or something? My face felt tight around my eyes when I blinked, and just puffy in general. Neil really noticed it and commented on it several times, saying how suddenly it had come up. I googled and discovered that water retention in the FACE is not a good thing, especially presenting with other symptoms like headaches. So around 5pm I thought maybe I should take my blood pressure in case my headache was b/p-related. It was 135/75 which worried me a little bit because that's on the high side for me (I'm usually 100/60, give or take 10 points or so) even though it still falls in the normal range as far as blood pressure goes. I took it on the other arm (arms are always different!) and it was 125/65 - not so bad. Then I used on of my urinalysis sticks and tested my urine. It contained no sugar, but one plus of protein, and a trace of blood. I haven't been spotting at ALL so I didn't think it was contamination.

Because of the bad headache, swelling in my face, and protein in my urine, I decided to call my midwife team. They suggested I come in to the hospital where one of them could check me. I asked them if it was urgent or if I could do dinner and bedtime for the boys first. I thought it would not go so well for them if I disappeared at that particular point in the day! I know I might not always be able to guarantee this, but Mummy is ALWAYS here for dinner and bedtime, every single day. Always. The only exception being the time I was having Nathan in the hospital, but that's IT, since we had little ones at all! I would much rather keep this going if it's okay that I go in later to be checked, so I asked, and they said that was okay.

So we had dinner, and then the boys were HORRIBLY difficult to get to bed. Necessary discipline went on for EVER to sort out the whole palava, and so their bedtime was later than usual. Nathan went to bed on time, but the other two weren't in bed till 8.30, and even then they weren't asleep. I came downstairs to get my notes and get going to the hospital, but I sat down for a moment and just did not want to go, at all. I felt exhausted and my head hurt so much. I didn't want to be driving off for who-knows-how-long in the hospital, and it was getting late - I didn't want to increase the risk of being kept in overnight. I didn't want to put myself or the baby at risk (if there was one), but I also just wanted to rest at home with my headache. So I phoned my midwife team again, and told them this. They agreed to let me stay home that evening, but made me an appointment at the antenatal clinic for the next day. They said if anything got any worse or I just didn't feel right, I had to call them straight back and go in. So, phew, that was okay. Nothing got worse. My face started to feel less tight and puffy somewhere around 11pm, but my headache stayed.

In the morning it was still there, but not so bad as it had been. Neil came home at lunchtime (it was a 1pm appt) and watched the boys so that I didn't raise my blood pressure hauling them to the appointment! Which was so helpful. He ended up staying home for the afternoon and working from home that evening, because we didn't know if they'd want me to go to the Day Assessment Unit after the appointment, and I know from last pregnancy that it takes HOURS to get out of there!

But, the appointment went fine! Yay! My blood pressure was 116/60, thankfully! And the midwife wasn't concerned about any swelling at that time. I did a fresh urine sample which had NO protein, but it did have one plus of blood, a little more than the trace my test had shown the night before. Hmmm. She asked if I'd been spotting, and said it was likely just contamination, but I said I had not been spotting. She said if the blood continues to be present then they will probably add a kidney function test to my battery of blood tests coming up at the 28-week appointment, just to be on the safe side. So, everything seemed fine with the blood pressure and she just said if painkillers weren't touching my headaches, I might talk to my GP and ask for something stronger that's safe during pregnancy. I don't think I will bother though, unless they get frequent or debilitating. I'd rather not take any medication if I can help it.

So I had an appointment at 27 weeks! :) That was nice, especially since I will go back only one week later for my routine 28 week appointment! I like that little extra visit there! My 28 week appointment is this Wednesday. Oh! I just realised that I forgot to ask if they could do it at home. Oh well. I am not looking forward to taking the little ones with me at all, but it's a Sure Start centre so there's a huge playgroup play area with the midwife's office right off it, and she said the boys can play there while I'm being seen. I don't know if they'll all be happy to though, or at least not without regularly barging in and interrupting the appointment while I'm on the table, on display to the rest of the playgroup area! Nathan will definitely not want to be out of my sight, and that's okay. He'll also cry when the midwives look at him even. He's at that stage.

The midwife also checked my tummy, and I was measuring 26 weeks, and baby boy is finally HEAD DOWN - wheeee! I'm so very excited about that because, even though I know he could happily flip all over the place still for some time yet, he really hasn't been head down at all so far. He has been transverse, breech and oblique all the time, and I was starting to get nervous! So it was great to hear he was head down at last! Even more wonderfully, he hasn't moved out of the head-down position since my appointment!! Yay! He is head down all the time now, and I'm glad, except for the extra weight and pressure feeling in my pelvis all the time - which is probably compounded by just how fast this boy is GROWING lately! Yikes!

His heartrate was good (no number) and strong, and it was hard to get a good reading because he was so active in there, wiggling and flumping and shifting, and thumping the doppler constantly!

I am getting a GBS (Group B Strep) test at 36 weeks - as the midwife put it, "Presuming you haven't already given birth by then!"!!!! I hope this baby stays put till the expected arrival time! It was a bit nerve-wracking last time when Nathan arrived early, and I think I would rather it all go according to plan this time! ;) Although, it did last time, of course. It was utterly God's plan that he was born that very day, and had been from the dawn of time :) I just had no idea, that's all, hehe! If my waters don't unexpectedly break, then I am looking at delivering after my due date (fun, fun) because that's just what I do. Usually! ;) Anyway, I'm eager to know whether I still have the GBS this time. I easily could. But I hope I don't. I'd just rather not get the bags and bags of IV antibiotics, and have the option of birthing at home - though I am really not sure if that's what I want right now. If I am GBS+ again, she said they would advise me to go into hospital for IV antibiotics during labour, as before. Last time I was all up to fight that, until the unexpected early delivery. This time, I really don't mind. Where I am when I give birth and whether or not I get IV stuff matters far less to me this time compared with, "How the HECK will I get through it?!?!" urrrrgh. I'm really somewhat dreading it. It's so fast and painful and completely (no really, I can't actually put it into words) unbearable. The sloooooowwww slowness with Arthur was actually more bearable than the bulleting baby thing I have had going on since my first baby! And I'm not sure how to brace myself and bear it again this time. But anyway, there's time to think about that yet (says the midwife). Time seems to be disappearing fast, if you ask me! Eeep.

But I can't WAIT to meet him! And find out his name! I just don't know what it will beee! I think Benjamin for now, but without any sort of firm decisiveness. I still think Noah some of the time, and regularly rub my belly and ask the little one within if he's a Noah or a Benjamin. He doesn't signal either way, so I'm still in the dark! ;) I did a poll recently on a Baby Names board, and got about 100 votes - 60/40 split in favour of Benjamin. Most of the commenters (about 11 or 12 I think) said they preferred Noah though. Hey ho, we'll eventually know! :)

Baby boy has been extremely active lately, way more than I was prepared for! He's kicking me hard now, and even when I'm up and walking about, a swift thud from my tiny boy's foot actually jars me a little as I walk, if it's out to my front or sides (which it usually is now that he's head down all the time). He also pokes very sharp parts of himself out at times and those actually HURT my skin! He thumps my bladder and cervix with his hands and that is not comfortable, but I love alllll of it! It's just the best best BEST thing to have a little tiny person busily exercising little limbs inside your very own body! So amazing. I could never get tired of it, and it's as fresh and wonderful every pregnancy as the first time I felt it.

He is practising breathing a LOT at the moment. Sometimes I see my belly doing a little quick panting movement where his back is - updown, updown, updown updown - my heart goes to MUSH when I see that, just like it always did with my other babies! So sweet! He is getting hiccups a lot more now that he's practising his breathing so very much - usually 4 or so times a day at the moment. The last two days he has had hiccups 5 or 6 times each day! He sometimes really gets agitated when he gets hiccups, and thrashes around wildly, like he's annoyed about it or trying to escape the hiccups or something! Arthur was exactly like that in the womb, and he used to get hiccups 5+ times a day as a norm.

All the boys have felt him kick and wiggle about now, and Arthur felt his hiccups today! The hiccups are really clear and easy to feel now, and today I could clearly see my belly "hiccuping" just by laying on the sofa and watching it! It was blipping away gently :)

I haven't had any bothersome headaches since that bad one, and that one itself cleared up later in the day after my midwife appointment. I am definitely retaining water more than I was at 26 weeks, but that's the way it goes with pregnancy (or me, anyway!) from this stage onwards. I think I recall looking really puffy in the face at 34 weeks compared with before then, and it stays unfortunately :( My wedding ring still fits but it can be tight at times now, and I've noticed my fingers and toes looking slightly sausagey if I get too warm in the evenings sometimes. What fun June and July will be if there's a heatwave this summer!! I just really can't wait!! (sarcasm fully intended)

I'm trying to think if there's anything else, but my head has gone empty. Oh well. I'm sure there is! But I'll write more next time I update, if I remember by then. I will be 28 weeks (TWENTY-EIGHT WEEKS!!!!!) on Wednesday, and I'll update about the midwife appointment. I have a lot of blood drawn at that appointment, and I'm refusing the usual Anti-D injection, as per last pregnancy and the discovery of a rhesus negative husband! ;)

Oh, I did get a belly picture for 26 weeks, though it was taken at 26 weeks and a few days, but I didn't post it till just now. It was on the camera and I hadn't had chance to upload it till tonight. Anyway, it's in the belly gallery now. I can't believe I need to take another one in just 3 days!

And I nearly forgot to say - my comment about the twin girls next time last entry... it wasn't just a weird thing that popped in my head. I can't even remember if I've mentioned it before actually. I'll check my older entries and be back in a minute. Nope, I never did! I browsed old diary entries for aaaages (ahhh, sweet, misty-eyed memory lane! *sigh*), and the boys came home so I'm now continuing this in the evening with the boys in bed for the night.

Okay I never said it before in my diary because it just seemed tooooo crazy to the point of daftness. I remember I did not even mention the fact that I prayed about future babies when Nathan was 3 weeks old, until several weeks later, for the same reason. That time, I was holding Nathan in my arms upstairs in the bedroom. He was sleeping, and I was ADORING him and praising God for such a sweet and wonderful blessing! It was such a precious moment. Without even planning or meaning to, my words of thanksgiving to God began to be prayers for future blessings - praying for the next baby, that God would be pleased to bless me with more children! I started to ask God if he would be pleased to bless me with a baby girl, and to tell him that I would rejoice over another baby boy if that was his will - and then right at that moment, I literally felt/heard an almost audible voice (you guys have read about this before, I think I've posted about it 2 or 3 times now, in some way or another) that said, "The next baby is Benjamin". Just like that. Followed by absolute silence - "stunned" silence, on my part, hehe! I was so amazed to hear such a clear and unexpected statement, and I believed it to be God's voice. So, from that moment, I KNEW we would be having a baby boy next, and felt confident that his name would be Benjamin. Hmmm, re-living that moment is a real reminder that this baby really SHOULD be named Benjamin, I think! I mean, for that very reason, we WILL be using the name Benjamin, either as his first or middle name. But maybe it was so clear and obvious - no matter the hurdles about the name Benjamin for this baby, maybe God has just SAID. That IS to be his name. Hmmm. I need to think and pray some more, and talk it through with Neil. But I do like Noah Benjamin as well :) Noah means "rest" and "comfort" and although he was very very laid-back at the nuchal scan and I didn't even feel his movements for much longer than the other boys, he is now very much NOT a restful baby! ;) So, the name meaning fits less now. Well, we'll see.

ANYWAY, my point was this: I mentioned the prayer time when Nathan was 3 weeks old a few times here before, to point out the whole Benjamin thing. I NEVER mentioned the bit where I felt like after Nathan might come twin girls, because - how nuts?! How unlikely?! And how quick I am to doubt or question when I feel like God MIGHT have revealed something to me that I couldn't possibly know (like when Nathan was a boy, at 8 weeks pregnant, or when this baby was going to be Benjamin, 8 months before he was even conceived! I doubted after those times too. *sigh*). There are no twins in my family. We don't DO girls, hehe! It wasn't a real fanfare voice from God thing like the moment before that when I heard him tell me about Benjamin. So right then and there, I quickly put it down to my mind wandering, or wishful thinking. Although, I have never wished for twins! I'm scared silly of having twins, on all counts - pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum bit where I have enough small children to make my head spin a bit! ;) Even if twins were my FIRST pregnancy, I would be scared as to how in the wide world to handle two newborn babies, or two colicky babies, or two newly mobile babies, or two tantrumming babies, or two - you get the picture?! Let alone all of the above AS WELL AS 4 little boys! So no, I have not been wishing! But it was so random, and I wondered. Then I put it aside as just something weird from my own head. Until I told Neil about the prayer time later that day, about the next baby being Benjamin. He said that he wondered if we'd have twin girls after Benjamin, and I did feel a little hot/cold when he said that! I told him that weirdly enough, that's the thought that popped into my head. We have mentioned it briefly maybe 3 or 4 times over the year that followed.

These last two months, for some reason I know not, the whole "twin girls after this one" thing has resurfaced in my mind a few times. I find myself daydreaming about it sometimes, and quickly try to shake myself and go back to what I was doing when I notice I'm doing it! I put it down to not having a daughter yet, and the fact that I would like one - I'm NOT desperate to have a baby girl. I would LOVE to have one! But I would happily be mama to boys only if that's the way it goes. I won't "try for a girl", because I just want babies of any gender that God sees fit to bless us with. And, let's face it, I LOVE having boys! :) They're all so cute and cuddly, and it's what I know.

So, yesterday Arthur was snuggling up on the sofa next to me and my large bump :) Wiggly boy was wiggling and Arthur was feeling him move about for a while. We had a long talk, because he wanted to hear about how babies are born again (he knows it well, but likes to hear it from time to time). He wants me to give birth HERE in the living room, not in the hospital. He will go and stand over by the kitchen doorway and say, "This is where Matthew and I will stand to watch!" hehe! I always remind him that there will be a) mess (he doesn't like mess, so I need to remind him that's what he'll see!) and b) a lot of noise that Mummy makes. He lately wants me to make a lot of noise as if I'm having the baby, so that we can all play "the new baby is coming!", bless his heart! He's so excited. But I don't know how to make him understand the NOISE that Mummy will make! I tell him that I don't want to scare him or the little boys, with my noise, but it's a LOT of noise and it seems like Mummy is scared or hurting a LOT when she makes all that noise, so they might not like it! We talked a lot about pain in labour, and why it's there. He didn't look happy about it, but I made light of it and told him it's just the way it is, even the Bible says that's how it is, and Mummy doesn't mind because she is just so happy to have her babies in her arms at the end of it! It was so worth it every time. That's what I tell him. He seems happier about it then.

But anyway. After this long discussion, he came back and sat next to me on the sofa again, quiet for a moment. Then he gasped and said, "What if it's TWIN babies in your tummy!" I reminded him that our baby is only ONE baby, and we know that for sure - one boy baby. He said, "But next time, what if it's twin babies! How will they get out?!" I did not want to go into C-sections and all that jazz, so I just told him that they often come out the same way one baby does, just one at a time - they take turns! ;) He thought about this, and then sat back and said, "I think we should have twin babies next!" He paused and then leapt up again with another "I've had a thought!" type of gasp, and said, "We'll have five babies if this baby is twin babies!" (I reminded him again that this baby is ONE BOY BABY! But he continued...) "Matthew, that's one.... Arthur, that's two.... Nathan, that's three.... The first twin, that's four.... and the second twin, that's FIVE babies!!" He sat back looking stunned and contemplative for a few seconds, then shook his head knowingly, "We'll need five grown-ups." Hehe! I said, "But Arthur, there's only Mummy. And Daddy, when he's not at work." He paused again, thoughtfully, and shook his head in the same worldly wise manner, and said, "Well, I'll have to do start doing a lot of work then!" ;) I told him that it WOULD be a lot of work if we had twins with all the boys we already have, and that I would be ever so glad of his help. But did he realise that twins would be very very hard work? I reminded him that he finds it frustrating when a baby messes up his games, or when they cry all the time when they're tiny, needing Mummy a lot. Or when Mummy spends ages upstairs settling a baby for naps. And so on. I told him that with twins, there are TWO babies doing this all the time! He nodded, thoughtfully. And then I said that if Mummy had twin babies in her tummy, she might need to lie down a LOT of the time, and she might be extra tired and perhaps not feel so well, because it would be very hard work to grow and carry two babies at once! So that might not be easy for him either. He nodded again and then spent a while quiet by my side. I figured the conversation was over and he had some food for thought.

After a couple of minutes, he piped up confidently, "I think we should have twin babies next time!" I felt so taken aback that I didn't know how to answer him! I just said that if he really wanted twin babies he ought to ask God about it. Arthur never prays. He gets shy and doesn't want to, and we never make him. But instantly he scrunched his eyes closed, and said out loud, "God.... I just want you to make twin babies for Mummy's tummy.... God.... I would like twin babies please. Amen." Then he opened his eyes and smiled with such confidence! He said, "I will pray for girl twins." I sort of stammered a question along the lines of, "But I thought you liked just having brothers?" and he said we didn't have any girl babies yet. He did express a bit of concern about his decision though, saying that girl babies might not do what he wanted them to, haha! I said that was true of boy babies too, and it didn't make a difference whether it was girl babies or boy babies on that sort of thing!

So I wanted to make note of that rather scary conversation, lol! I told Neil about Arthur's prayer later and he sort of visibly paled (hehe!) and immediately referred to how it's something we have felt might happen too. However, Arthur has said things about babies and such in the past that seemed kind of prophetic and goose-bumply at the time but which have not come to light (Beth-nee coming after Nay-fan, for example!), but it's the first time he has honestly prayed to God about it. And I for one know that God tends to answer the heartfelt prayers of little children! I have actually been praying about it since, that if that's God's wonderful plan for us, he would enable me physically, and equip me for the 6-children-in-6-years type of situation (WONDERFUL, but aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!), and just prepare me to be emotionally ready and not afraid. With twins, I'm afraid of how my body will manage the pregnancy, and moreover for the actual babies - there are so many more risks for twins, especially identical twins. And the idea of newborn twins maybe 18 months after this baby is born, with the little boys I already have.... right now it's SCARY and overwhelming! It may very likely not remotely happen at all! God may be completing our family with Benjamin (or Noah?!), Neil may say NO MORE and I will have to honour that, or we may have a big age gap next, or just our usual one with yet another sweet boy, hehe! But I want to be ready, if God chooses to bless our socks off with twins. So, I did mention it last entry very casually, but there's more behind it than I let on, and I thought I would spill about it this time! ;)

Now I've spent half the day writing this, and I need a glass of water anyway, so I will stop for now! Back soon! :)

26 weeks, 3 days! Nearly the end of my 2nd trimester!

I'm still here! I can't believe it has been a couple of weeks since I updated - so bad of me! :( I am not that motivated to write here like I used to be. I need to move to Blogger with this diary like I have with my arthursmummy one. Diaryland is so quiet now.

Well I'm doing fine! I can NOT believe that I only have FOUR DAYS to go till my 3rd trimester starts!!!!!! It's so surreal and I honestly can't get my head around it properly! I feel so busy and distracted from pregnancy all the time, and at the same time it's going by sooooooo fast.

I haven't even taken my belly picture for 26 weeks yet! I'd better get that sorted with Neil tomorrow, then it will just be 4 days late rather than completely missed out!

My next midwife appointment should be at 28 weeks - not long now! I need to phone and arrange it though. I'm going to ask if she can come to my house to do the appointment, because she suggested the possibility last time, and it would be soooo helpful. Right now, taking all 3 boys out to something like an appointment is kind of exhausting and stressful, and to have the option of her coming here would be wonderful in comparison! I hope she'll be happy to do that.

I'm really eager for someone to check on the baby's position, because I am having a hard time pinpointing it. I know it's not that relevant to anything this early on, but still, I'm curious and I want to know these things!

A couple of things are different from what I remember from my previous pregnancies:

I am bigger at 26 weeks than any of my other 26 week belly pictures. I know I may well take a picture tomorrow and put it up here and compare, and it will look pretty much the same as the other pregnancies at that stage, BUT I really do feel bigger, and Neil is commenting on it too. I stick out more. The baby seems to have had a big growth spurt since my last belly picture at 24 weeks, or maybe a couple of them! Just these last few days I have noticed a change in how big I feel (and look, according to Neil, and my protesting waistlines on maternity jeans that I was still wearing at 28 weeks in my previous pregnancy belly pics!), and just today and yesterday I have been really aware of how much stronger the baby's movements have suddenly become - "bigger" movements too.

It's hard to tell the baby's position because he is kicking all over the place like he has legs to the left, right, top and bottom! ;) Also, I am (unusually) having a hard time telling which type of limb just jabbed me. Normally I can clearly tell hand or foot, or even knee/elbow, long before now.

I actually wonder if I have more amniotic fluid this time? It's a wild guess, but when I recline and bare my tummy to enjoy watching and feeling the baby kick about and wiggle, it's just like a big round waterbed, seriously. Big kicks don't really show, and the whole belly just wobbles about like jelly. When I try to palpate the baby and feel the position or limbs near the surface, it's hard because I seem to be just squeezing huge pockets of fluid with a little baby part ballotting about somewhere in it! I am sure this isn't something I've felt with the other pregnancies I have had. I hope it's okay... I wish I had a midwife appointment sooner so that she could check the baby for me and see if I'm growing on target.

The baby's position is rarely (if ever) head down, and to be honest the amount of fluid I'm trying to feel through is making it hard to get a good feel for a head or bottom or ANYTHING for sure really. I do know that I often feel a head in my side or (a little more often now than before) down in my hip, so an oblique lie. One time I felt it up on my right side, high up, so breech that time. Maybe that accounts for the different/larger belly for the stage I'm at? Or maybe it's just extra evidence that I might have more fluid than usual, given that it would help the baby "float" (haha!) around into any old position he feels like for a while longer?! It makes me so extremely nervous that he's tangling himself into a dangerous mess with his umbilical cord. I know I shouldn't worry, but I can't help it! I think that's my biggest anxiety about the baby this time. Cord accidents happen, and with all his rolling and flipping and position-changing, I'm so nervous about it! I pray over him a lot that he'll be okay and that his cord will preserve his life, not take it! :S

Oh! I should just get a tape measure and measure my bump myself! Then I would have some idea! I think my tape measures are packed away with my sewing stuff though :(

Baby boy is very active a lot of the day and evening now. He is very strong and can do that sort of "Thumper" rabbit kick thing against the mattress when I lie on my side, that I remember so well from my other busy baby boys in there, hehe! Today was the first day that he has kicked me hard enough with "jabby" parts of himself for it to actually hurt my "skin" as he kicks, even when I'm walking about doing things! I get dull thuds and kicks to my cervix and bladder a lot, but lately he seems to be facing out and all the kicks are to my front or low down above my pubic bone. He also gets hiccups more clearly now. The other day his hiccups were like little sharp taps JUST above my pubic bone, and I was really happy about that because that makes it seem likely that he's head down if that's the location of his hiccups. But his other bouts of hiccups haven't been there since then, they've been all over the place, and not too easy to feel clearly because they seem lost in a huge bubble of fluid or something!

Anyway. I am not sure what I weigh, because I haven't weighed myself since just before 24 weeks, BUT just before I turned 26 weeks I suddenly changed shape in my face and outgrew a bunch of maternity jeans (that I normally still fit into later than this, yikes!). My face is more "weighty" now and it looks as though I am retaining water more. I feel that way too, sometimes, just heavier and puffy. I have no particular swelling in my hands or feet yet though, and my wedding ring is still fine! :) I am kind of uncomfortable "down below" this pregnancy, from pretty early on. I remember the same from the last two pregnancies, especially Nathan's. It's just that I'm sore a lot of the time and swollen all the time too. I regularly freak out that I'm getting varicosities there! But I remember doing exactly the same last pregnancy, and maybe the time before too, and I never had any, so that's my only reassurance right now!

This week I am newly breathless by mid-sentence, and at any exertion really. I haven't had the racy pulse with it until today when I just didn't sit down when I got breathless. I carried on standing up in the kitchen and trying to talk to Neil about something, and then I started to feel weak and weird, and checked my pulse and it was racing. So I had to come into the living room and lie on the sofa for a bit until I felt less breathless. It's exactly the same as my last pregnancy (and the one before) - last pregnancy they had me monitored at the hospital a couple of times because I had a racing pulse and breathlessness just sitting in the chair at a couple of antenatal appointments, and they were concerned about that. Of course, the effort of hauling little ones to those appointments was the main reason I felt so breathless (it really doesn't take much exertion to get me out of breath at this stage!), so I'm hoping that if I just lay low and don't take on basically ANYTHING now, out of the house, then I'll fare much better this time. I've stayed at home WAY more this pregnancy than any of my others, and it's made a big difference. I have had so much energy lately, and I've been using it on useful stuff like the housework and the children (!) instead of getting from place to place and loading and unloading small people! Those things alone sap my entire day's energy when I'm pregnant, so I realised it makes no sense to keep doing it!

I can't think what else suddenly. Matthew just woke from a bad dream about a big bumble bee (he was scared of one at the park today, poor love!) and now I've lost my train of thought after settling him. Oh but my stretch marks are back on the front of my bump now. They're visible properly (as purple/silvery lines) because they're fully stretched out now. Matthew expressed surprise at my "stipey" (stripey!) tummy the other day and wanted to examine and touch them carefully, with some concern! ;) I found that sweet because those particular stretch marks are actually courtesy of Matthew-Binks himself, not Arthur or Nathan! ;)

Still no name for this baby boy, but that's fine. I still have absolutely no choices other than Noah or Benjamin, and am aware that Neil isn't on the same page as far as that goes. But we've communicated about it and he knows where I stand. We're just not really thinking about it too much at the moment, because we have a zillion other things going on that are distracting us from naming our baby! Lately I've become re-attached to Benjamin in a big way though, and I had been leaning towards Noah for a long time before that. So who knows! I don't feel a pressure about it (yet!), so it's okay for now. I actually don't mind calling him "baby boy", although I've noticed that I NEVER refer to or think of him as Babydot any more. That seems like a name we used in the earlier stages of pregnancy, before we knew for sure he was a boy. Even though we don't have a name to take the place of "Babydot", we're really not using Babydot at all any more. So, for now he's just baby boy! :) And I like that at the moment!

Let's see.... I'm not really craving anything in particular at all. No vinegraitte cravings at all this pregnancy! ;) I like food, but not so that I MUST keep eating at all times! I do eat more than my fair share of chocolate-related items during the evening though, I will admit! Lately I really want fruit in the evenings, mainly apples. They are so crisp and yummy and juicy, and I could honestly eat 3 in a row. The only reason I don't is that I don't buy enough of them at once, and so we have enough for the boys to munch until the next supermarket delivery, and lately they've been really into eating apples every day so there aren't any left for me! I am also SUPER thirsty lately, just this week.

I feel very tired these last few days, just sleepy before I'm usually sleepy in the evenings, and if I stay up late (unwisely!) then I will find my head jerking up when I've nodded without realising it while surfing the internet! I neeevvvvver do that, pregnant or not, so it's unusual for me and a good indication that I'm much more in need of sleep than usual right now. Talking of which, it's getting pretty late so I should go to bed! It's Saturday night so I am in the blissful position of being able to lie in tomorrow as well as having done so this morning, with Neil home from work! Ahhh, sooo lovely to sleep!

As and when I finally get a 26-week belly picture, I will post it on the gallery and probably make a quick entry to say it's there. And if I find a tape measure and check the size of my bump, I'll update about that too! Otherwise I will try NOT to leave it 2 weeks this time! I can't believe my 2nd trimester is almost finished! The 3rd trimester is really the home stretch, and it's just unfathomable that I'm at that stage already!!! I need to plan much more for the birth this time, as I'm really not feeling comfortable about that part still! I also MUST MUST MUST write Nathan's birth story before much more time passes. I'm forgetting details already, and that makes me so sad. I don't want to get to having to write it after giving birth again, because I know I'll lose a lot of Nathan's birth in the muddle of birth-related memories! I will try to do that soon.

Thanks for the sweet comments on my 24 week belly pictures with the boys! I'm so pleased with those. I wish I had a belly photo taken with my little ones from my last two pregnancies, but oh well. I will definitely do it next time - hoping there's a next time! :) I'm thinking twin girls next time, what d'you reckon?! ;)