Just keeping tabs on things by updating here.
I continued to feel pregnant for a while this cycle. It was really weird. Neil kept being SURE I was pregnant, which isn't like him (unless I am), but I really really wasn't. I was going to test yet again, to be sure, because Neil wanted me to, but I temped again and convinced him that a low temp meant I wasn't pregnant!
My temps have been unusually stable this cycle so far, pretty much ALL 36.1-something! That's really really stable, even for me. I can't help but think of Arthur's conception, because I had never seen my pre-ovulatory temps so steady and samey before. I haven't temped every day for most of my cycle - just every other day or every few days, to keep track until getting nearer to ovulation. I'm charting parsnips when it occurs at a "relevant" time in my cycle. Right now I'm on CD20 and my 5th consecutive day of EWCM. I had a huge temp dip yesterday and it's still low today, although it's come up a bit. I wondered if I would even ovulate yesterday because of the huge dip, but I don't very often have such a thing as an ovulation dip with my temps - though I know others who do. It's just weird to see it against all the very samey temps beforehand!
I sometimes have obvious signs that ovulation is about to occur, even including ovulation pain, at around this stage of my cycle in the first 8 months PP, but then it's like a failed attempt, the fertile signs go away and my temps remain low. Then a couple of weeks later, I get another attempt and ovulate. I think that happened the cycle Elijah was conceived, if I remember rightly. I didn't ovulate until CD40 in the end because of it! So I will wait and see, this cycle. I have had ovulation pain. I am noticing that I am finding ovulation more painful as I get older - or maybe it's just a "more babies" thing? I don't know. But either way, I am feeling ovulation more, and the run-up to it as well. I feel achy and heavy, usually on one side, for days before I ovulate, and the discomfort intensifies over the days until I have the more familiar sharper crampy pain of actual ovulation. That can actually last me a couple of days now, instead of being quite brief. It lingers, dulls down, and fades off.
So I have had some very strong fertile signs this past week. Lots of EWCM. Yesterday was Neil's birthday, and parsnips did occur. ;) So I have charted that, because it's in a fertile window. It is very very difficult to find time and energy for such pursuits when you have six children including a baby! ;) Typically we can have several interruptions from tiny people, and yesterday was no exception!
Hmmm, I'm never sure quite how personal I should be with blogs any more... I used to write like this allllll the time, and now I am... out of the habit, maybe? Or more wary/paranoid?! Who knows!
Another thing I'm never sure about whether to write in my blogs these days is deeply personal thoughts and feelings, like I used to, on certain things. Neil and I are far more contraversial with each baby that we add and each year that passes, than we ever were before, and MANY people disagree very strongly with our choices. Some act as though they even feel threatened by our own choices, in some way, and it's not all that fun to be on the receiving end from such people. So it's becoming easier, and maybe less stressful, just to keep things related to that stuff to myself more and more. Except for special forums, made for mamas who know and are in the same boat. There I can open up without fear of criticism or ridicule, and receive advice, love and support. I do get wonderful support from friends who strongly disagree with me here though, I know that! :) Thank you, if that is you!! xxx
So, some of you know that life has been mightily stressful these past 5 or 6 months. We have had... unwanted, and unmitigated intrusion from social services. I haven't blogged about it. Their concerns are unwarranted, and they now tell me that my children are healthy, happy, and lovely, and that I am a great mother. But the intrusion, people. The feeling of harrassment. The panic attacks! The overwhelmingness of it all, it has been hard to bear. My eldest two children have been almost impossible to manage, and the wheels are turning at last for assessment for Autistic Spectrum Disorder (Asperger's syndrome, particularly, in Arthur's case). Their behaviour is so difficult. Homeschool is going well at the moment. Elijah has been discharged (this week!) from the osteopath, fine and dandy at last. He wakes 3-5 times from bedtime to morning, always, since birth. Bad patches mean 5-8 (or more) wakings, and I am one exhaustulated mama. He's happy and healthy. He started sitting before 5 months old, and crawling before 6 months. He is 8 months old tomorrow, and has been cruising the furniture for a couple of weeks. He cut his first toothie a week ago (a bottom middley - my earliest teether so far! Well, tied with Matthew, anyway), and he has that tell-tale eroded dark line on his gum over his first top middle tooth tonight. From the look of his poor bulgy gums, I think he will probably have two at the top and two at the bottom within a week or two.
Elijah had his 8 month check last week with a new health visitor who came to my house and weighed and measured him. He weighed 14lbs 15oz - just about at the 2nd percentile! So weeny! And he's 67.5cm (26.5 inches) tall - just under the 9th percentile. My tiny precious peanut!!! I love him sooooooooooooooooooooo. Sorry about all the 'o's. Each and every one was necessary!
Elijah isn't babbling at all yet (da-da-da-da-da, ma-ma-ma-ma, etc), which is "late" for my babies, and for development in general, I think. But I think he's been focusing on motor skills and not interested in a THING else, therefore. He shouts, squawks and does a funny loud cough to get our attention (both Neil and I, and his brothers!), which is right on target for his age, so that's good. He is also still exclusively breastfed. He just doesn't really want to eat food. I am going with what we always do, baby-led weaning (no purees), and he is interested in what we're doing, and he grabs food from our plates or hands, but he's horrified when he puts it to his mouth, lol! He seems extremely texture-sensitive, and even an individual crumb on the tip of his tongue causes his mouth and eyes to water, and then the gagging starts. I started to wonder about trying him on purees because of that, but he has gagged and retched on tiny tastes of yoghurt (maybe the cold temperature?) and things like that. He just isn't ready for solids yet, even though he's 8 months old. He isn't moving food to the back of his mouth. BUT, I did find out the other day that he likes to hold solid food, and likes the taste of rusks! He managed to cope with the texture because it just melts away, and he ended up eating about a quarter of a rusk in one sitting on Thursday, by just sucking on it! So that was his first real proper intake of any food! :)
Samuel turned 2 last month, and he is still breastfeeding on demand (to some degree) through the day. He asks a LOT! I probably sit down on the sofa and snuggle with him and let him breastfeed maybe between 3 and 5 times from getting up in the morning to before bedtime. I say no several times a day as well, but only really because I can't stop to nurse at that moment. Some days he nurses to sleep like that around lunch time, or mid-afternoon. I let him nap for a bit and then wake him up, or else bedtime drags on. At bedtime, he always has his milky in bed ("miggy-bed!") as an absolute set-in-stone routine. I don't breastfeed him overnight unless he wakes from a bad dream or something, and then I always do.
Benjamin is 3-and-a-half this month, and still breastfeeding. I am sure he will be like the two eldest boys and stop at age 4. He still loves his milky, and usually if he sees Samuel nursing then he will want to as well, so I usually tandem nurse during the day. Elijah is just reaching the stage where he will take a quick feed sitting up next to me on the sofa, so sometimes I tandem nurse Elijah and Samuel together, and Benjamin has to wait (rather pitifully, lol!)! Oh for three breasts! ;) I LOVE tandem nursing, and particularly, I love extended breastfeeding. I stop loving it quite so much by age 4 (hence nobody nursing longer than that - just personal preference), but breastfeeding a 1, 2, or 3-year-old is just a wonderful experience. Benjamin takes very quick nursing sessions, not like Samuel. And he still has his bedtime milky in his bed, but always after Samuel has nursed to sleep, by which time Benjamin is sometimes asleep already, so on those nights he doesn't have any.
It's bizarre to me that I am nursing a 3-year-old, a 2-year-old, and exclusively breastfeeding an 8-month-old baby, and yet ovulating, charting, temping, having periods and a chemical pregnancy, etc., lol! My body isn't textbook, that's for sure.
So. Not the easiest of times. We are STILL in our tiny home. We sold our house in the autumn, and lost our buyer because we didn't find a place to move to in time for them. We sold again a couple of weeks later, before Christmas, and our buyer is still hanging in there while we spend most Saturdays driving all over the place viewing properties, with our van-full of complaining mini travellers. They are less-than-impressed that we're trekking around ("This is so boring!!") and then Neil and I take turns to go into houses with the estate agents while the other sits in the van with the children. I know it's not fun, but hey ho, it has to be done! We can't afford to live here if we need a bigger house, and we need to find somewhere else that we CAN afford. We just have nooooo idea where that somewhere is. We're working on it! But the weeks are passing.
And in the midst of all this chaos....
Are we crazy? Are we absolutely out of our MINDS?! For Neil particularly, the pull has been very strong, to prevent pregnancy. He isn't very focused on God most of the time, which I find really hard, as his wife and as a mummy trying to raise her children to know God. :( When it's time for decision making though, it does come back to God, and we talk about it, read about it, pray about it. We both have varying degrees of anxiety over continuing to have babies, but ultimately we end up feeling confident that this is the way forward.
We are coping with a LOT, and sometimes it's overwhelming. I know the whole world, the whole world thinks we're crackers not to. That makes it even harder to stand where we stand, and practise what we preach, if you know what I mean. If I trusted God to be in control - to know what is best for our family, to know which children (and how many of them) to add to our family, and when.... then that should not change. Even when it's hard. Even when it seems like we surely know better than He does, what's right and wrong, and what's best for us at this particular season in our lives. I mean, it's obvious, isn't it?! More babies right now? Craaaazy, right? Not good for our health, maybe? Not good for the wellbeing of the children we already have? Lots of things have been running through our thoughts and conversations, and prayers.
But two verses keep on coming back to me, and they sit with me like they're stuck to me - way more sticky than post-it notes. My attitude sometimes shakes them off, but then I look down and oh, there they still are, stuck to my side. They uplift me and point me to the truth, so I cling to these verses in difficult seasons when I am BLESSED enough to still be a woman in her fertile childbearing years:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)
"In all your ways" to me, includes reproduction.
""For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."" (Jeremiah 29:11)
No matter how things seem to me, I must must MUST trust that God knows best. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. This is not some blind laughable step-in-the-dark faith. This is GOD - the Creator of the universe and the ends of the earth, who gives and sustains life, who sent His own son to die so that I could live. This same God has most definitely got the ability, not to mention the absolute right, to control the adding of new people to this little family submitting themselves to Him. I also know that God desires to oversee the growth of our family. It doesn't make sense that He wouldn't. Do I believe that, and then decide that - okay, God is to be in charge, but then maybe He just doesn't realise how difficult things have been? Or maybe God can't understand that someone like me who is by nature impatient and disorganised, could surely not manage to be even a semi-efficient mother of 7 or 8 children under the age of 10! SURELY?!!
No. God knows me through and through, like nobody reading this could, nor my own husband or parents. I don't even know myself and my own needs and weaknesses (and strengths) like God does. He KNOWS me. And that verse from Jeremiah is for me, for me. He knows me, and yet He plans only good things for me. So I have to conclude that if I become pregnant, it's because God knows that I have a special need for practice in the ways of patience and organisation, lol! He knows that He has placed in me a special gift of the loving and nurturing of children. He knows that children are a joy and a blessing, even though there are difficult patches, and He LOVES to give His children (that's me!) good gifts because He is a generous and loving Father. For all those reasons, and many more than I don't even know or understand yet, He sees fit to bless me by sending me presents from heaven in the form of babies, genetically mine and Neil's. I still pray (and I know this is Neil's heart too) that one day God will be pleased to also send us children who aren't genetically ours, but who have been predestined to be our own children from the beginning of time.
The semi-efficient thing is irrelevant - and clearly I will need to re-read this entry many times over the years to come, lol! I struggle with confidence in this area a lot and need to hear what I'm writing now, pretty much daily. It's irrelevant because "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me", and because I am not supposed to be able to do these things in my own strength. When I do it in His strength, He gets the glory, and that's how it should be.
Anyway. This is all stuff that I really wish I would get around to posting at my main blog! Maybe I will just copy and paste the updatey (non-EWCM-related, lol!) stuff to my main blog, then it's THERE. It's late now so I need to go to bed, but I just wanted to waffle about those thoughts here for a bit. I wanted to explain. I know I don't need to. But I wanted to. So when (if) I were ever to share that I spend the best part of a week completely overwhelmed, wade through Saturday and spiritually stagger into church on Sunday with my heart weighed down with heaviness, head to the ministry team to be prayed for at the end and just say through tears, "My heart is just heavy. I don't know how to do everything. I just feel so overwhelmed right now. Please pray for me.".... then I come here and say, "Woohoo, looking good for conception this cycle!!! :D" - please don't jump on me saying that I'm nuts, and can't I see that I obviously need a break and shouldn't be doing this right now! ;) I know the temptation will be strong. I DO have those moments. The above example was from the week before last, and it's not an unusual example. But you know? They did pray for me, and I did leave church refreshed for the week ahead. Not every week is that bad. But in any case, having babies isn't just a negative, another burden to add, to an intense season with strong emotions and a major life challenge. It is also a blessing, and a joyful focus, a relief of some burdens, and a physical boost (in many ways, as well as being physically draining in others, lol!). It's another PERSON, who lives! *I* will settle down, life will soothe back to a steady hum eventually anyway, more babies or not, but this way another person lives! How will God use their life? Which people will they touch and change with their existence? Which children will they bear and how will their lives impact the world and those around them? On and on the blessings go. I count it all joy - I've read that somewhere in the Bible, can't think where off the top of my head - I count it all JOY, because wow. What a privilege. I don't want to cut off that opportunity, because I'm having a bad day (well, slight under-exaggeration, but you know what I mean!). My bad "day" will pass. My fertility will too. I don't want to miss any opportunity for God to bless us and open my womb again. I'm a bit scared in some ways, but not when I focus on all the stuff I have written here today.
Elijah is waking so I have to go, but I'll be back soon to update on whether or not I ovulate! :)
Friday, January 25, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Update! (and an update to the update, lol!)
Oh I'm so frustrated with my new phone!!! I'm really sorry to leave you hanging. I wrote an update dayyyys ago, on the phone, thinking, "Ooh this blogger app is really nifty! So easy to use!" and posted it. Only just now did I think to update again and find that it never posted!!! Then looking on my phone it recorded a "failed to post to blogger" message but never notified me! Aaaargh!!
ANYWAY! I will use the laptop from now on. Our internet is back and all is resolved, thankfully, so I can do that.
I totally presumed the temp drop and bleeding was my period, which is what I thought everyone would assume, given the next day's temp still being low, so I didn't update right away. I saw some comments about waiting for an update, so I did one! I'm sorry it didn't post and it's been AGES since I last posted therefore!
I had a fairly usual period, maybe a bit heavier than normal to start. Not awful in terms of cramping, which is good I guess. I still have the positive test stick, and I'm not sure about throwing it away. I've had lots of chemical pregnancies now - this one makes 9 beginnings of the building blocks of precious little people, since the cycle before Arthur was conceived. And tiny Toby as well, of course, which makes ten. I believe that I will get to meet them all one day, which is quite a thought! :) And I thought I was a mother of many children here on earth! :)
I have temped a few times since starting my period, just to make sure. Every time, it has been pre-ovulation low, for sure. So I haven't tested again because of that, even with my experience last time with Elijah. I just hadn't temped that time, so I wouldn't have known that my temp must have jumped back up after the initial drop and bleed. When I did temp again, I was 17 days past ovulation and it was nice and high.
Inexplicably, I do wonder this time though. My temps are consistently low, and I've had a period, so OBVIOUSLY I'm not pregnant, but there are odd things that ended up being the red flags that got me suspicious in the end, with Elijah. I have the odd spot on my face, which (as with Elijah before I realised) I never ever get unless I am GETTING my period (they always clear up within 2 days after it starts) or I am pregnant. I feel kind of bloated and full in my low abdomen (which can be put down to IBS maybe?), and I'm really exhausted, like hormonal exhausted. But I can put that down to some crazy bad sleep lately with staying up reeeeeeally late finishing Nathan's birthday cake on Friday (he's FIVE!!!!), and then not getting enough sleep since then. I was talking to a lady at church last night and randomly felt a bit gaggy when I swallowed, one time. It distracted me with that, "Hmmm..." thought even while she was talking to me. Tonight I was looking at a book and turned to face the laptop, and in that split second I could taste (and suddenly wanted) lasagne, but a specific brand and everything, and I had already eaten dinner so I wasn't hungry. I am more irritable than usual, but that's a tiredness thing probably. Just a few random weirdnesses that DO come together and make me wonder. I think if I hadn't been temping at all since my period I would be nervously excited for the morning to come so I could temp, and I think I would probably expect it to be high like when I did all this with Elijah and I turned out to be pregnant. But my temps are low, so it CAN'T be. So weird then. Neil wants me to test anyway in the morning. If I am still counting from ovulation, I would be 16DPO today - uncanny that it's the same timing as when I finally thought, "Hmmm...." with Elijah and tested the next morning. I think I will test and just once and for all put my mind at rest about it.
I am too tired to write more tonight, and I think Elijah is going to wake for a feed any time now so I'm going to get ready for bed. I will update if I test tomorrow, whatever the result. If I don't update, I didn't test! Thanks for asking after me and for being excited! :)
[ETA: My temp this morning was 36.17, low enough to still be pre-ovulatory, as in not pregnant. I tested anyway, and the stick has a stark white line, so NOT pregnant! I looked at all three tests together (the one from 8DPO, the one from 9DPO when I had already started my period that morning, and today's), and it's probably weird of me, but I felt a huge surge of relief and happiness seeing the obvious difference between them. In my didn't-post-properly update, I said that when I looked at the 9DPO test again, it looked the same as the 8DPO one. Maybe even a touch less faint than the day before, but I felt a bit silly because I was obviously starting my period and my temp had been dropping for 2 days. I started to question whether neither of them showed anything about a baby starting to grow, and maybe they were evaporation lines? I didn't think they could be because they showed up within the first minute or two, and seemed to have pink pigment to them, and I've never seen evaporation lines on this brand of tests that I've used (extensively, haha!) for years. I did start to doubt my original thoughts over it a bit though. Anyway, it's strangely wonderful to see the faint pink lines (9DPO actually does seem to look a little stronger, even though I had started properly bleeding by then) against the absolutely non-existent line on today's test. Now I feel happy to be able to reassure myself that I WAS pregnant, and a tiny person DID begin inside me, and I WILL meet another child in heaven one day. It's likely that it would have been a perfectly healthy baby, but my body wasn't able to sustain its growth. :( Which is a bit sad, but there we are, I suppose. Anyway, closure. I can put it behind me now, and wonder what on earth is going on with my hormones to cause these few weird symptoms, lol!]
ANYWAY! I will use the laptop from now on. Our internet is back and all is resolved, thankfully, so I can do that.
I totally presumed the temp drop and bleeding was my period, which is what I thought everyone would assume, given the next day's temp still being low, so I didn't update right away. I saw some comments about waiting for an update, so I did one! I'm sorry it didn't post and it's been AGES since I last posted therefore!
I had a fairly usual period, maybe a bit heavier than normal to start. Not awful in terms of cramping, which is good I guess. I still have the positive test stick, and I'm not sure about throwing it away. I've had lots of chemical pregnancies now - this one makes 9 beginnings of the building blocks of precious little people, since the cycle before Arthur was conceived. And tiny Toby as well, of course, which makes ten. I believe that I will get to meet them all one day, which is quite a thought! :) And I thought I was a mother of many children here on earth! :)
I have temped a few times since starting my period, just to make sure. Every time, it has been pre-ovulation low, for sure. So I haven't tested again because of that, even with my experience last time with Elijah. I just hadn't temped that time, so I wouldn't have known that my temp must have jumped back up after the initial drop and bleed. When I did temp again, I was 17 days past ovulation and it was nice and high.
Inexplicably, I do wonder this time though. My temps are consistently low, and I've had a period, so OBVIOUSLY I'm not pregnant, but there are odd things that ended up being the red flags that got me suspicious in the end, with Elijah. I have the odd spot on my face, which (as with Elijah before I realised) I never ever get unless I am GETTING my period (they always clear up within 2 days after it starts) or I am pregnant. I feel kind of bloated and full in my low abdomen (which can be put down to IBS maybe?), and I'm really exhausted, like hormonal exhausted. But I can put that down to some crazy bad sleep lately with staying up reeeeeeally late finishing Nathan's birthday cake on Friday (he's FIVE!!!!), and then not getting enough sleep since then. I was talking to a lady at church last night and randomly felt a bit gaggy when I swallowed, one time. It distracted me with that, "Hmmm..." thought even while she was talking to me. Tonight I was looking at a book and turned to face the laptop, and in that split second I could taste (and suddenly wanted) lasagne, but a specific brand and everything, and I had already eaten dinner so I wasn't hungry. I am more irritable than usual, but that's a tiredness thing probably. Just a few random weirdnesses that DO come together and make me wonder. I think if I hadn't been temping at all since my period I would be nervously excited for the morning to come so I could temp, and I think I would probably expect it to be high like when I did all this with Elijah and I turned out to be pregnant. But my temps are low, so it CAN'T be. So weird then. Neil wants me to test anyway in the morning. If I am still counting from ovulation, I would be 16DPO today - uncanny that it's the same timing as when I finally thought, "Hmmm...." with Elijah and tested the next morning. I think I will test and just once and for all put my mind at rest about it.
I am too tired to write more tonight, and I think Elijah is going to wake for a feed any time now so I'm going to get ready for bed. I will update if I test tomorrow, whatever the result. If I don't update, I didn't test! Thanks for asking after me and for being excited! :)
[ETA: My temp this morning was 36.17, low enough to still be pre-ovulatory, as in not pregnant. I tested anyway, and the stick has a stark white line, so NOT pregnant! I looked at all three tests together (the one from 8DPO, the one from 9DPO when I had already started my period that morning, and today's), and it's probably weird of me, but I felt a huge surge of relief and happiness seeing the obvious difference between them. In my didn't-post-properly update, I said that when I looked at the 9DPO test again, it looked the same as the 8DPO one. Maybe even a touch less faint than the day before, but I felt a bit silly because I was obviously starting my period and my temp had been dropping for 2 days. I started to question whether neither of them showed anything about a baby starting to grow, and maybe they were evaporation lines? I didn't think they could be because they showed up within the first minute or two, and seemed to have pink pigment to them, and I've never seen evaporation lines on this brand of tests that I've used (extensively, haha!) for years. I did start to doubt my original thoughts over it a bit though. Anyway, it's strangely wonderful to see the faint pink lines (9DPO actually does seem to look a little stronger, even though I had started properly bleeding by then) against the absolutely non-existent line on today's test. Now I feel happy to be able to reassure myself that I WAS pregnant, and a tiny person DID begin inside me, and I WILL meet another child in heaven one day. It's likely that it would have been a perfectly healthy baby, but my body wasn't able to sustain its growth. :( Which is a bit sad, but there we are, I suppose. Anyway, closure. I can put it behind me now, and wonder what on earth is going on with my hormones to cause these few weird symptoms, lol!]
Monday, January 7, 2013
Surprised, in a way
I need to get school started so I've only got a moment, but I wanted to not leave anyone hanging in suspense! I had some very light bleeding last night with some cramping. It seemed awfully like Elijah's pregnancy at that stage, so I just waited. This morning when I temped, it had dropped again. Not quite as low as before ovulation, but low enough, and when I got up I started bleeding heavily. I did test anyway for confirmation, but mainly because I wanted to see if the result would be different to yesterday's, because I can't stop thinking of that test. I've had a lot of chemical pregnancies and taken a lot of pregnancy tests over the years, and I've tried to see lines that weren't there with everything in me! This line was definitely there. It is still there today and there's a mayyybe-possibly line on today's test which I doubt would show up on a photo. I'm glad I did it though -now I can hold the two together and see that yesterday's was a positive pregnancy test, for which reason I am going to chart it as such. I am not sure whether to call today the first day of my period or not. Usually if bleeding is red I chart menstruation, but it was so light and seemed to stop before I went to bed. I never normally get spotting the day before a period, and when I have had spotting in early pregnancy, it usually isn't as much as yesterday's "spotting". I will decide later. I haven't updated my chart yet.
Okay Samuel is screeching about something - must go! Thanks for the comments (loved the "I see the line!!!" ones! Thank you. :) ). Back soon.
Okay Samuel is screeching about something - must go! Thanks for the comments (loved the "I see the line!!!" ones! Thank you. :) ). Back soon.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
8DPO
Well, call me crazy, but my temp dropped this morning a fair bit but having a night of bizarre, definitely hormonal dreams, and weird low backache and bad crampy-type sensations from inside my hip to under my pubic bone on my right side only (hmmm...), I decided to pee on a stick. I know, I'm only 8dpo and have never tested positive this early before, even when actually pregnant, but well... what can I say? Crazy-Obsesso Woman strikes again! ;)
I know the temp drop might mean that my luteal phase is coming to an end, even if a baby has started in there, but I see the faintest of faint lines on my pregnancy test this morning. It was there within the right time frame and it's proper pink pigment, not an evaporation line. I should think people probably can't see what I'm seeing because often that's the case when I post faint early pregnancy test pics even when they're more visible than this one!
I wish I had the internet working on my computer because then I could edit a photo of the test stick so that what I'm seeing is more clear, like with contrast or whatever. But here is the photo I took on the new phone. I managed to upload it to Photobucket but can't use the editing stuff there. Hope this works!...
I know the temp drop might mean that my luteal phase is coming to an end, even if a baby has started in there, but I see the faintest of faint lines on my pregnancy test this morning. It was there within the right time frame and it's proper pink pigment, not an evaporation line. I should think people probably can't see what I'm seeing because often that's the case when I post faint early pregnancy test pics even when they're more visible than this one!
I wish I had the internet working on my computer because then I could edit a photo of the test stick so that what I'm seeing is more clear, like with contrast or whatever. But here is the photo I took on the new phone. I managed to upload it to Photobucket but can't use the editing stuff there. Hope this works!...
The only oother things of note today are mild queasiness like the last four days, and -I know it sounds silly - unusual clumsiness! I have been a complete butter fingers (remember when I inexplicably dropped a plate of apple crumble and custard and broke it at 8dpo with Matthew, and something very similar at the same early gestation with Nathan?!) and fell down the last four stairs when we got home from church. Heather and her hubby were on the ministry team this morning and when I went to be prayed for, I mentioned that I thought I might be pregnant, even though it might not stick, and Heather immediately squealed with excitement and gave me a big hug! That was soooo nice, I can't tell you! :)
Anyway, like I told Heather, I will keep you posted! Having learnt my lesson last time with Elijah (remember I had a big temp drop at 7dpo PLUS bleeding and cramping, so I totally presumed my period had arrived and stopped temping, only to think, "Hmmm...." ten days later and take a (very positive) pregnancy test!) - I will test again tomorrow unless my tempis down AND I am bbleeding. Right this moment I am feeling properly crampy, so we'll see. I'll go and update my chart now. Thanks for the happy comments! Nicola, if I'm pregnant (and it sticks), I would be due September 21st according to Fertility Friend. :)
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Updates and developments!
I cannot believe how long it has been since I last updated!! It was September or something crazy like that! I'm so sorry! Things have been so busy and various things have happened to make life more stressful, but anyway...
Most annoying right now is the fact that our internet suddenly cut out on December 28th, and now it's January 5th (Happy New Year!) and it's STILL not working!!!! Sky can't figure it out so they are sending a new router in the post which they hope will work but that will still take until at least midweek to arrive - aaaaarrgh!!! Far more frustrating is the fact that I might actually be pregnant and have not been able to tell my dear old bloggy friends! You guys know how crazily obsessive I tend to be about post-ovulatory/early pregnancy symptoms, but let me tell you, I have nearly been going out of my mind with having no-one to share it with!! Neil and I used Christmas money this afternoon to buy a smart phone (or whatever they're called - I am so not technology-savvy!), and I have finally figured it out enough to use it to first update my chart (having not charted a single thing since Elijah was born), then check for any urgent emails, and finally relieve my pent-up-ness at this blog. I haven't even got as far as Facebook yet but I will.
Soooo.... Elijah turned 7 months old on December 27th!! He is so precious! He is still the teeniest of my babies by quite a way, but also the earliest for developmental stages and motor skills. He was sitting unsupported while still 4 months old, crawling while still 5 months old, and pulling himself to stand at furniture at 6 months old! He just started cruising like a tiny, doddery, extremely adorable old man, two days ago. So proud of my clever tiny boy! :) He has the most lovely soft sticky-up hair and the sweetest smile (no teeth yet, but none of mine have had teeth at his age yet - Matthew was the earliest at 7.5 months). I would post a recent pic if I could, but I'll have to wait until our proper internet is back up for that.
Ow, this thumby typing for ages is hurting my hand! I will have to try and make this more brief!
So, for the first time, no charting. I have no idea what my cycles have been doing. I have made mental note of when a period begins, but not taken note of how long my cycles are or when during those cycles I am ovulating. I visually note fertile signs as they occur, but not much more than that, and I haven't temped at all - very unusual for me!
Getting to the point then (!), my last period (I think my 4th so far, and they have all felt quite long to me) started on December 3rd, and I was noticing EWCM by Christmas Day or the day after. Parsnips occurred on the 29th and I promptly ovulated a couple of hours later, going by the change in intensity of ovulation pain, which had actually been particularly bad and lasted several days this cycle. Sure enough, my temp was up the nexmorning, had a little dip the next day, and has since climbed steadily ever since!
I am now at the end of the day at 7DPO and going out of my miiiind over the fact that I'm 7DPO with climbing temps after parsnips on the day of ovulation. Now, I know that I've conceived before at 7 months post-partum and my luteal phase has been too short to maintain things, and that could happen again, if I am even pregnant.
I do feel pregnant, so far, early though it is. I have had a horrible headache at 4dpo, the typethat I really only get eeither when I am pregnant, or the day before my period arrives.I expected my period after that really, but at the same time I felt like surely it was too early to get my period just yet? That same day I felt generally crampy, really quite nauseous, and kept having hot flashing pains in my left breast. The next day, 5dpo, the headache went away, but the crampy feeling continued, and I also noticed I felt dizzy at times, and was much more bothered with the same stabby breast pain, but on both sides this time.
I have been generally more irritable than usual, even for my norm this early in my luteal phase, and of major note to me is the fact that I've been exceptionally tired for the last three nights (tonight is the fourth, but I'm battling it like the nutcase I am so that I can write this! For me, this particular type of completely wiped-out feeling is something I'm only familiar with from the day before my period shows up (on rare occasions, two days), or during early pregnancy. It was my biggest clue when I finally figured out that I was pregnant with Elijah, so hmmm....
The only other thing of note is that I have had a sudden taste in my mouth the last two days. The first day it was vinegary chips, and this morning it was vanilla wafers, for some bizarre reason! I feel heavy and slightly crampy most of the time, which could be pregnancy or pre-menstrual, I guess. Last night we had waffles for dinner, and in the night I woke up dreaming of noise which I couldn't switch off which was actually nausea, and my room seemed to be abnormally strongly perfumed with the smell of waffles. I felt really sick for a while before I could go back to sleep. I've had some queasiness every day lately.
I am excited and happy about the thought of being pregnant again so soon, although I am also more anxious than before because there is just so much going on for us at the moment. I would still never (ever) prevent pregnancy just because I have a lot on my plate, and fully trust that God knows what He is doing.
Tomorrow will be 8dpo. If my temp drops then I will probably get my period and that will give me a 7-day luteal phase, which might be in the realms of norm at 7 months post-partum, but I would have thought maybe a bit longer by now? Anyway, I will see what happens with my temp in the morning. 8dpo is a bit crazy early to start peeing on sticks, but I've done stranger things in my time, and I have leftover cheapy tests from before Elijah,so who can say! ;)
I will update tomorrow - it's crazy late now and I need to go to bed.
Most annoying right now is the fact that our internet suddenly cut out on December 28th, and now it's January 5th (Happy New Year!) and it's STILL not working!!!! Sky can't figure it out so they are sending a new router in the post which they hope will work but that will still take until at least midweek to arrive - aaaaarrgh!!! Far more frustrating is the fact that I might actually be pregnant and have not been able to tell my dear old bloggy friends! You guys know how crazily obsessive I tend to be about post-ovulatory/early pregnancy symptoms, but let me tell you, I have nearly been going out of my mind with having no-one to share it with!! Neil and I used Christmas money this afternoon to buy a smart phone (or whatever they're called - I am so not technology-savvy!), and I have finally figured it out enough to use it to first update my chart (having not charted a single thing since Elijah was born), then check for any urgent emails, and finally relieve my pent-up-ness at this blog. I haven't even got as far as Facebook yet but I will.
Soooo.... Elijah turned 7 months old on December 27th!! He is so precious! He is still the teeniest of my babies by quite a way, but also the earliest for developmental stages and motor skills. He was sitting unsupported while still 4 months old, crawling while still 5 months old, and pulling himself to stand at furniture at 6 months old! He just started cruising like a tiny, doddery, extremely adorable old man, two days ago. So proud of my clever tiny boy! :) He has the most lovely soft sticky-up hair and the sweetest smile (no teeth yet, but none of mine have had teeth at his age yet - Matthew was the earliest at 7.5 months). I would post a recent pic if I could, but I'll have to wait until our proper internet is back up for that.
Ow, this thumby typing for ages is hurting my hand! I will have to try and make this more brief!
So, for the first time, no charting. I have no idea what my cycles have been doing. I have made mental note of when a period begins, but not taken note of how long my cycles are or when during those cycles I am ovulating. I visually note fertile signs as they occur, but not much more than that, and I haven't temped at all - very unusual for me!
Getting to the point then (!), my last period (I think my 4th so far, and they have all felt quite long to me) started on December 3rd, and I was noticing EWCM by Christmas Day or the day after. Parsnips occurred on the 29th and I promptly ovulated a couple of hours later, going by the change in intensity of ovulation pain, which had actually been particularly bad and lasted several days this cycle. Sure enough, my temp was up the nexmorning, had a little dip the next day, and has since climbed steadily ever since!
I am now at the end of the day at 7DPO and going out of my miiiind over the fact that I'm 7DPO with climbing temps after parsnips on the day of ovulation. Now, I know that I've conceived before at 7 months post-partum and my luteal phase has been too short to maintain things, and that could happen again, if I am even pregnant.
I do feel pregnant, so far, early though it is. I have had a horrible headache at 4dpo, the typethat I really only get eeither when I am pregnant, or the day before my period arrives.I expected my period after that really, but at the same time I felt like surely it was too early to get my period just yet? That same day I felt generally crampy, really quite nauseous, and kept having hot flashing pains in my left breast. The next day, 5dpo, the headache went away, but the crampy feeling continued, and I also noticed I felt dizzy at times, and was much more bothered with the same stabby breast pain, but on both sides this time.
I have been generally more irritable than usual, even for my norm this early in my luteal phase, and of major note to me is the fact that I've been exceptionally tired for the last three nights (tonight is the fourth, but I'm battling it like the nutcase I am so that I can write this! For me, this particular type of completely wiped-out feeling is something I'm only familiar with from the day before my period shows up (on rare occasions, two days), or during early pregnancy. It was my biggest clue when I finally figured out that I was pregnant with Elijah, so hmmm....
The only other thing of note is that I have had a sudden taste in my mouth the last two days. The first day it was vinegary chips, and this morning it was vanilla wafers, for some bizarre reason! I feel heavy and slightly crampy most of the time, which could be pregnancy or pre-menstrual, I guess. Last night we had waffles for dinner, and in the night I woke up dreaming of noise which I couldn't switch off which was actually nausea, and my room seemed to be abnormally strongly perfumed with the smell of waffles. I felt really sick for a while before I could go back to sleep. I've had some queasiness every day lately.
I am excited and happy about the thought of being pregnant again so soon, although I am also more anxious than before because there is just so much going on for us at the moment. I would still never (ever) prevent pregnancy just because I have a lot on my plate, and fully trust that God knows what He is doing.
Tomorrow will be 8dpo. If my temp drops then I will probably get my period and that will give me a 7-day luteal phase, which might be in the realms of norm at 7 months post-partum, but I would have thought maybe a bit longer by now? Anyway, I will see what happens with my temp in the morning. 8dpo is a bit crazy early to start peeing on sticks, but I've done stranger things in my time, and I have leftover cheapy tests from before Elijah,so who can say! ;)
I will update tomorrow - it's crazy late now and I need to go to bed.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Today
Thank you SO much for the responses to my entry here yesterday. I am so relieved and grateful for the support, and for how gentle you were in your comments. Thank you!
Today has been different. So exhausting and difficult, emotionally, and physically, but different in a good way. Heather came round today from about 10am - she comes round once a week at the moment for the whole day to tackle my housework and help with the boys. This past week I have seen so much of her (I love this! :) ). Church on Sunday - oh, I haven't said this at Facebook yet because like 25 people on my friends list are from the church we've been to for 13 years and which we haven't been to for the past year, but we started attending Heather's church (really local to us, and we know several other families there too) in August. We love it. The kids love it, and are happily attending the children's groups (100+ children at this church, and the kids' work is AMAZING. Nathan is in the reception class and currently enjoying it so long as his beloved Rosanna is there with him. She is Heather's teenaged daughter and happily sits with him and helps him with the crafts, etc.). We've been there for maybe 5 weeks, and are now SURE we're staying, so I need to contact my church leaders and just get their blessing on our move, officially. Anyway, yay, church! And YAY, Heather's church! :) The morning service is much much shorter than our old church which is far more suitable for our family, and they have an evening worship service with prayer ministry afterwards, so Neil and I alternate attending the evening meetings on Sundays, WITHOUT children with us - so refreshing to be able to just focus and worship, etc. I take Elijah so he can breastfeed when he wants to, but last time I left him here with Neil and it was fine. I love that when I went for prayer at the end of the service on Sunday evening, Heather was on the ministry team and prayed for me! :)
Anyway, so I saw her twice on Sunday, then on Monday she took Matthew and Nathan to her house for the morning, and returned them at lunchtime, then today she spent the whole day here, and tomorrow she is coming in the morning to watch the boys while I take Elijah for our osteopath appointments - I am getting treatment for my back now, too (so far not making any difference). Elijah is doing great and they don't need to see him very often now. Neil can't work from home tomorrow morning like he usually can when I have to go to the osteopath, and I was going to cancel, but Heather said she would come and cover me! She's wonderful. I know I'm a broken record, but I just love her so much. I keep saying that it seems a bit much to ask of her, but she just replies that I didn't ask, she offered! She always puts me in my place when I say things like that! ;)
So this morning was pretty much worse than yesterday, as far as coping with things went. Heather came round at 10ish and the boys were still in pyjamas (which they've worn more than day clothes for over a week now), little ones were still in night nappies (I know that's AWFUL. Awful.), the house was the most dreadful disaster site, Elijah was crying and cranky but not wanting to feed, and Samuel had just taken his nappy off. These are normal happenings for the most part, but I was dealing with things even less well than usual, and starting to feel like my emotions were giving me some sort of goitre feeling in my neck. I couldn't get to sleep for a good while again last night, just heavy hearted, and Elijah woke twice after that, and then when I got up for the day I didn't get any appetite for breakfast. I just felt queasy, shaky-tired and dizzy. Not the best start!
Heather brought a meal for dinner that she'd organised - she called friends who are good at that sort of thing and organised a rota!!! People I have never even met!!! She didn't realise I was struggling until I mentioned it when asking for prayer on Sunday, and swung this into action since then. So lovely.
Arthur and Matthew were going crazy hyper when she arrived, and wouldn't stop when I asked them to. They were a bit out of character with it really, but it was driving me crazy - they were leaping about wrestling and going nuts with little boys next to them, and not stopping when I told them to. I was sitting right next to Elijah on the floor after changing his nappy, and suddenly Arthur lunged after Matthew, and Matthew stepped right on Elijah's arm! I yelled, "NO!!!", grabbed my baby off the floor to comfort him, and shouted, "YOU STOOD ON ELIJAH!!!" The whole room went silent, and everybody seemed to freeze while I kissed my poor screaming baby and whispered soothing things into his ear. Heather hasn't seen me lose it with my kids before, so I figured I needed to calm down quick - it was just instinctive before, to do what I did. After a few moments, I used a calm voice to tell them that this is what happens when they disobey me, and sent them into different corners of the room for a good long while, until I could calm myself and Elijah down. They did so very meekly!
We got the boys ready for the day and they went out in the garden. Heather started working in the kitchen, and boys started whining at each other outside, and telling tales on each other to me in very annoying tones. The usual, but somehow outside of my scope this morning. Heather helped me eventually, because I couldn't do it. When they went back outside, she said I should go upstairs and feed Elijah, and that I looked like I could do with a break. I just said, "I'm not coping." She said, "Oh, you will later." and I said, "No. I mean every day, I'm not coping." She just said that it was just a blip, and I felt a bit brushed off, so I went upstairs and nursed my little one. When I came down a few minutes later (he didn't really want to feed, and wouldn't go to sleep either), I needed to go out and pick up some medication for Nathan from a chemist, and Heather suggested I take a boy with me. Usually I do this, because it's great for a bit of one-to-one time, but today I said I didn't want to, and that I needed some space. She was wonderful, and said to just GO and have a cup of coffee afterwards and read a book for a while. I so didn't want to. I felt like I would be miserable company for myself, and that I would be pretending to take a break without it being remotely beneficial. I really just wanted to go and cry somewhere.
In the end, I picked up the medicine, bought a couple of food items that we needed, and decided to take myself and a Bible to the cemetery. I haven't been there for ages. I just wanted private space to sit in the car without passers-by looking in the window at me as they went past. The cemetery is private and quiet, scenic and tranquil, and a place where I have let a lot of emotion out before. Being emotional at a cemetery is normal. I suddenly really wanted to go there. I went to Cameron's grave and stroked the petals on his flowers and traced his name on his gravestone with my finger, and said that I was sorry it had been a while since I came. It was so quiet, and the only couple of people were way over the other side of the cemetery. The air smelled woody and lovely from the rain we've had, and I sat down on a rock by the path and cried without having to worry about keeping it the silent or "breathy" type of crying, and wept over my tiny baby who never finished growing, and the other things that were plugging up my heart, and prayed aloud to God for a long time. I read my Bible - Isaiah 40, where verse 11 says:
He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
And verses 28 - 31 say:
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
And those encouraged me so much. And I read Matthew 11:28-30 which says:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Such tender words, and it seemed to be exactly on the mark for me. That's what I need, EXACTLY what I need. I am weary and burdened, that's me exactly! The words that Jesus was speaking - come, I'll give you rest for your soul; come, I'll be gentle with you because I love you. Come and swap your heavy burden for my light, easy one. Reading it broke me into little pieces and I cried and prayed over it for a while.
Then I went home. I put the A/C on blowing on my face all the way home, and didn't look particularly teary when I arrived, thankfully. Heather was doing housework with my very hungry and sad baby in one arm, and the boys were eating the lunch she had made for them, having washed their hands when they came in from the garden! In the afternoon, Heather's daughter came round and I took her and 5 of my boys to the park in the van, while Heather had a chance to really get stuck in on the housework and be available for Elijah, who had started his Big Long Sleep that he has in the afternoons now. He only woke 15 minutes before we got home, and funnily enough that is when I was loading boys into the van at the park and my milk let down! :) Love that! I am pretty well tuned into my babies, and that's wonderful. I missed him! I came home and just snuggled him in my arms and told him I had missed him. The boys were playing in the living room, and Heather was with me in the kitchen, watching and enjoying me loving on my baby. I pointed out his mole - OH! I forgot to say! Elijah (I typed Toby. That's the first time I have done that. :( ) has a little mole at his hairline on his forehead! He's my only child to ever have a mole in babyhood. I love this special fact, because of course identical twins - IF they have a mole - will usually both have that mole (or two, where the other has one) in the same place. Mirror image twins will get the same mole on opposite sides. And, of course, Elijah's mole is on his right side. I call it his "Toby mole" and I kiss it all the time, because I know Toby would have had one in the same place on his left side. It has been there from maybe a few weeks old, but for a good few weeks I thought it was a spot or blemish or something, because it started out a sort of reddish colour, and now it has "browned-up" to look more like a mole or freckle. Yesterday Elijah pooed up to his shoulders and I had to give him a bath. When I got him out and wrapped him in a towel, I held him in front of the bathroom mirror to distract and calm him. Every time I do that, I have to catch my breath for a moment - odd to me that I never learn that I'll feel this way the next time, and just do it again anyway! :/ - because there is my little mirror baby IN the mirror, as he might well have looked if he had made it to my arms. Yesterday I accidentally called him Toby when I was chatting in a sing-song baby voice to him in the mirror to make him smile, and it made me feel really not-nice strange :(
Anyway. So I pointed his Toby mole out to Heather, and explained about the mirror twin thing (I had already told her about the hair-whorl previously). She was holding him then, and lifted him up in the air and said, "Did you have a baby brother? DID you?!" and I suddenly blurted out that I missed him terribly and felt so silly, but that it ached and I didn't expect it to, and surely it should have gone away by now, but it was my biggest heavy-heart issue at the moment. She asked me why on earth I thought it was silly, and told me grief does what grief does, in its own time. She had 3 miscarriages years ago and named her babies, and grieved for them. I told her Toby's name and she said it was lovely. It helped me to talk to her about it a bit, while I scrambled eggs and made toast and stuff for the boys' tea. I couldn't talk about it without my hands shaking and my voice quavering, which I didn't expect either. There's no time for a good cry when several little people are at the kitchen gate, simultaneously saying, "Can I come in to watch? WHY not?! When's it ready? Is it ready yet? WHY not?! Ohhhh, WHEN will it be ready?!" etc. Even Samuel joins in, saying, "Reh-reh??" lol! Heather asked me if I thought counselling would help, and I said I didn't fancy having to go for counselling, yet. again. For another issue in my life. Again. So she asked what I needed. I said I thought I needed to talk and pray. She is going to talk to the lady who leads the ministry team at our church, to arrange for me to have some extended prayer time - more than I would have the opportunity for after a church service. I think that will help me a lot.
I feel queasy exhausted tonight - it feels like the day has just been a marathon both physically (we walked SO far at the park and I had to carry a tired Samuel some of the way!) and emotionally, and I'm done in. Neil phoned from work to say that I should go late night shopping tonight and buy myself something to wear - such a sweet sweet thing to say, and so unexpected! I know he must sense that I am struggling and wants to make me feel better in some way. I ended up feeling too tired out to go out tonight, but I did talk to Neil while dinner was cooking, about everything from today, and about how I have been feeling lately. Without emotion, just matter of fact really. He had no idea I was still struggling with losing Toby. Why do I still feel guilty phrasing it, "losing Toby"?!! I just do, when I type it. I feel wrong, like it's not a big enough loss when there are some really devastating ones out there, really I do. I think if it was someone else grieving in my place then I would have sympathy towards them and feel that they have every reason to grieve and NO reason to feel badly about it, but I can't seem to extend the same to myself, for some odd reason. In my heart, I've lost him. I've LOST him, and it hurts, and I feel like I miss him so much. In writing, or to a listening ear, I feel squeamish about saying those words. I prefer saying vague things like, "to do with Toby" rather than talking of loss, because what do I know of real loss? Urgh, I don't know.
Anyway. Heather said that it doesn't matter a jot if they were the size of an eyelash or whatever, they were still her babies, and she grieved their loss. So I guess that's me as well.
Oh I wish this part could just fast-forward, it's so pointless to be so sad and have no way to speed up the process and get on with life again. What's the point in grieving when it can't change a thing about anything? Can't I just get my feelings out with a bang and then that's it, all better, case closed? What's the point in it dragging on and on, and ebbing and flowing like it does - better one day or even a few days running, dwelling less on thoughts of Toby, and then pulling me under again for no apparent reason. I wish I could just have the option - a switch - so that I could choose to do this for a while, or just NOT, and be done with it. Click.
I have to go to bed. I see Elijah stirring on the video monitor and I need to get ready for bed before he wakes for a feed. Hopefully the physical exertion and emotional outpouring today will mean I don't lie awake at all tonight, and can get some sleep. I do feel better, less pressured inside, than I did yesterday evening, and I'm so glad of that. I will update again soon, and talk about something else sometime as well! Thanks for upholding me, friends. xxx
Today has been different. So exhausting and difficult, emotionally, and physically, but different in a good way. Heather came round today from about 10am - she comes round once a week at the moment for the whole day to tackle my housework and help with the boys. This past week I have seen so much of her (I love this! :) ). Church on Sunday - oh, I haven't said this at Facebook yet because like 25 people on my friends list are from the church we've been to for 13 years and which we haven't been to for the past year, but we started attending Heather's church (really local to us, and we know several other families there too) in August. We love it. The kids love it, and are happily attending the children's groups (100+ children at this church, and the kids' work is AMAZING. Nathan is in the reception class and currently enjoying it so long as his beloved Rosanna is there with him. She is Heather's teenaged daughter and happily sits with him and helps him with the crafts, etc.). We've been there for maybe 5 weeks, and are now SURE we're staying, so I need to contact my church leaders and just get their blessing on our move, officially. Anyway, yay, church! And YAY, Heather's church! :) The morning service is much much shorter than our old church which is far more suitable for our family, and they have an evening worship service with prayer ministry afterwards, so Neil and I alternate attending the evening meetings on Sundays, WITHOUT children with us - so refreshing to be able to just focus and worship, etc. I take Elijah so he can breastfeed when he wants to, but last time I left him here with Neil and it was fine. I love that when I went for prayer at the end of the service on Sunday evening, Heather was on the ministry team and prayed for me! :)
Anyway, so I saw her twice on Sunday, then on Monday she took Matthew and Nathan to her house for the morning, and returned them at lunchtime, then today she spent the whole day here, and tomorrow she is coming in the morning to watch the boys while I take Elijah for our osteopath appointments - I am getting treatment for my back now, too (so far not making any difference). Elijah is doing great and they don't need to see him very often now. Neil can't work from home tomorrow morning like he usually can when I have to go to the osteopath, and I was going to cancel, but Heather said she would come and cover me! She's wonderful. I know I'm a broken record, but I just love her so much. I keep saying that it seems a bit much to ask of her, but she just replies that I didn't ask, she offered! She always puts me in my place when I say things like that! ;)
So this morning was pretty much worse than yesterday, as far as coping with things went. Heather came round at 10ish and the boys were still in pyjamas (which they've worn more than day clothes for over a week now), little ones were still in night nappies (I know that's AWFUL. Awful.), the house was the most dreadful disaster site, Elijah was crying and cranky but not wanting to feed, and Samuel had just taken his nappy off. These are normal happenings for the most part, but I was dealing with things even less well than usual, and starting to feel like my emotions were giving me some sort of goitre feeling in my neck. I couldn't get to sleep for a good while again last night, just heavy hearted, and Elijah woke twice after that, and then when I got up for the day I didn't get any appetite for breakfast. I just felt queasy, shaky-tired and dizzy. Not the best start!
Heather brought a meal for dinner that she'd organised - she called friends who are good at that sort of thing and organised a rota!!! People I have never even met!!! She didn't realise I was struggling until I mentioned it when asking for prayer on Sunday, and swung this into action since then. So lovely.
Arthur and Matthew were going crazy hyper when she arrived, and wouldn't stop when I asked them to. They were a bit out of character with it really, but it was driving me crazy - they were leaping about wrestling and going nuts with little boys next to them, and not stopping when I told them to. I was sitting right next to Elijah on the floor after changing his nappy, and suddenly Arthur lunged after Matthew, and Matthew stepped right on Elijah's arm! I yelled, "NO!!!", grabbed my baby off the floor to comfort him, and shouted, "YOU STOOD ON ELIJAH!!!" The whole room went silent, and everybody seemed to freeze while I kissed my poor screaming baby and whispered soothing things into his ear. Heather hasn't seen me lose it with my kids before, so I figured I needed to calm down quick - it was just instinctive before, to do what I did. After a few moments, I used a calm voice to tell them that this is what happens when they disobey me, and sent them into different corners of the room for a good long while, until I could calm myself and Elijah down. They did so very meekly!
We got the boys ready for the day and they went out in the garden. Heather started working in the kitchen, and boys started whining at each other outside, and telling tales on each other to me in very annoying tones. The usual, but somehow outside of my scope this morning. Heather helped me eventually, because I couldn't do it. When they went back outside, she said I should go upstairs and feed Elijah, and that I looked like I could do with a break. I just said, "I'm not coping." She said, "Oh, you will later." and I said, "No. I mean every day, I'm not coping." She just said that it was just a blip, and I felt a bit brushed off, so I went upstairs and nursed my little one. When I came down a few minutes later (he didn't really want to feed, and wouldn't go to sleep either), I needed to go out and pick up some medication for Nathan from a chemist, and Heather suggested I take a boy with me. Usually I do this, because it's great for a bit of one-to-one time, but today I said I didn't want to, and that I needed some space. She was wonderful, and said to just GO and have a cup of coffee afterwards and read a book for a while. I so didn't want to. I felt like I would be miserable company for myself, and that I would be pretending to take a break without it being remotely beneficial. I really just wanted to go and cry somewhere.
In the end, I picked up the medicine, bought a couple of food items that we needed, and decided to take myself and a Bible to the cemetery. I haven't been there for ages. I just wanted private space to sit in the car without passers-by looking in the window at me as they went past. The cemetery is private and quiet, scenic and tranquil, and a place where I have let a lot of emotion out before. Being emotional at a cemetery is normal. I suddenly really wanted to go there. I went to Cameron's grave and stroked the petals on his flowers and traced his name on his gravestone with my finger, and said that I was sorry it had been a while since I came. It was so quiet, and the only couple of people were way over the other side of the cemetery. The air smelled woody and lovely from the rain we've had, and I sat down on a rock by the path and cried without having to worry about keeping it the silent or "breathy" type of crying, and wept over my tiny baby who never finished growing, and the other things that were plugging up my heart, and prayed aloud to God for a long time. I read my Bible - Isaiah 40, where verse 11 says:
He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
And verses 28 - 31 say:
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
And those encouraged me so much. And I read Matthew 11:28-30 which says:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Such tender words, and it seemed to be exactly on the mark for me. That's what I need, EXACTLY what I need. I am weary and burdened, that's me exactly! The words that Jesus was speaking - come, I'll give you rest for your soul; come, I'll be gentle with you because I love you. Come and swap your heavy burden for my light, easy one. Reading it broke me into little pieces and I cried and prayed over it for a while.
Then I went home. I put the A/C on blowing on my face all the way home, and didn't look particularly teary when I arrived, thankfully. Heather was doing housework with my very hungry and sad baby in one arm, and the boys were eating the lunch she had made for them, having washed their hands when they came in from the garden! In the afternoon, Heather's daughter came round and I took her and 5 of my boys to the park in the van, while Heather had a chance to really get stuck in on the housework and be available for Elijah, who had started his Big Long Sleep that he has in the afternoons now. He only woke 15 minutes before we got home, and funnily enough that is when I was loading boys into the van at the park and my milk let down! :) Love that! I am pretty well tuned into my babies, and that's wonderful. I missed him! I came home and just snuggled him in my arms and told him I had missed him. The boys were playing in the living room, and Heather was with me in the kitchen, watching and enjoying me loving on my baby. I pointed out his mole - OH! I forgot to say! Elijah (I typed Toby. That's the first time I have done that. :( ) has a little mole at his hairline on his forehead! He's my only child to ever have a mole in babyhood. I love this special fact, because of course identical twins - IF they have a mole - will usually both have that mole (or two, where the other has one) in the same place. Mirror image twins will get the same mole on opposite sides. And, of course, Elijah's mole is on his right side. I call it his "Toby mole" and I kiss it all the time, because I know Toby would have had one in the same place on his left side. It has been there from maybe a few weeks old, but for a good few weeks I thought it was a spot or blemish or something, because it started out a sort of reddish colour, and now it has "browned-up" to look more like a mole or freckle. Yesterday Elijah pooed up to his shoulders and I had to give him a bath. When I got him out and wrapped him in a towel, I held him in front of the bathroom mirror to distract and calm him. Every time I do that, I have to catch my breath for a moment - odd to me that I never learn that I'll feel this way the next time, and just do it again anyway! :/ - because there is my little mirror baby IN the mirror, as he might well have looked if he had made it to my arms. Yesterday I accidentally called him Toby when I was chatting in a sing-song baby voice to him in the mirror to make him smile, and it made me feel really not-nice strange :(
Anyway. So I pointed his Toby mole out to Heather, and explained about the mirror twin thing (I had already told her about the hair-whorl previously). She was holding him then, and lifted him up in the air and said, "Did you have a baby brother? DID you?!" and I suddenly blurted out that I missed him terribly and felt so silly, but that it ached and I didn't expect it to, and surely it should have gone away by now, but it was my biggest heavy-heart issue at the moment. She asked me why on earth I thought it was silly, and told me grief does what grief does, in its own time. She had 3 miscarriages years ago and named her babies, and grieved for them. I told her Toby's name and she said it was lovely. It helped me to talk to her about it a bit, while I scrambled eggs and made toast and stuff for the boys' tea. I couldn't talk about it without my hands shaking and my voice quavering, which I didn't expect either. There's no time for a good cry when several little people are at the kitchen gate, simultaneously saying, "Can I come in to watch? WHY not?! When's it ready? Is it ready yet? WHY not?! Ohhhh, WHEN will it be ready?!" etc. Even Samuel joins in, saying, "Reh-reh??" lol! Heather asked me if I thought counselling would help, and I said I didn't fancy having to go for counselling, yet. again. For another issue in my life. Again. So she asked what I needed. I said I thought I needed to talk and pray. She is going to talk to the lady who leads the ministry team at our church, to arrange for me to have some extended prayer time - more than I would have the opportunity for after a church service. I think that will help me a lot.
I feel queasy exhausted tonight - it feels like the day has just been a marathon both physically (we walked SO far at the park and I had to carry a tired Samuel some of the way!) and emotionally, and I'm done in. Neil phoned from work to say that I should go late night shopping tonight and buy myself something to wear - such a sweet sweet thing to say, and so unexpected! I know he must sense that I am struggling and wants to make me feel better in some way. I ended up feeling too tired out to go out tonight, but I did talk to Neil while dinner was cooking, about everything from today, and about how I have been feeling lately. Without emotion, just matter of fact really. He had no idea I was still struggling with losing Toby. Why do I still feel guilty phrasing it, "losing Toby"?!! I just do, when I type it. I feel wrong, like it's not a big enough loss when there are some really devastating ones out there, really I do. I think if it was someone else grieving in my place then I would have sympathy towards them and feel that they have every reason to grieve and NO reason to feel badly about it, but I can't seem to extend the same to myself, for some odd reason. In my heart, I've lost him. I've LOST him, and it hurts, and I feel like I miss him so much. In writing, or to a listening ear, I feel squeamish about saying those words. I prefer saying vague things like, "to do with Toby" rather than talking of loss, because what do I know of real loss? Urgh, I don't know.
Anyway. Heather said that it doesn't matter a jot if they were the size of an eyelash or whatever, they were still her babies, and she grieved their loss. So I guess that's me as well.
Oh I wish this part could just fast-forward, it's so pointless to be so sad and have no way to speed up the process and get on with life again. What's the point in grieving when it can't change a thing about anything? Can't I just get my feelings out with a bang and then that's it, all better, case closed? What's the point in it dragging on and on, and ebbing and flowing like it does - better one day or even a few days running, dwelling less on thoughts of Toby, and then pulling me under again for no apparent reason. I wish I could just have the option - a switch - so that I could choose to do this for a while, or just NOT, and be done with it. Click.
I have to go to bed. I see Elijah stirring on the video monitor and I need to get ready for bed before he wakes for a feed. Hopefully the physical exertion and emotional outpouring today will mean I don't lie awake at all tonight, and can get some sleep. I do feel better, less pressured inside, than I did yesterday evening, and I'm so glad of that. I will update again soon, and talk about something else sometime as well! Thanks for upholding me, friends. xxx
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Just not coping too well...
... and I'm not sure why. I'm writing it here in case it is hormone related somehow. And because it feels a little more sheltered and intimate here. I have intentionally NOT written about it for several weeks. Well, I did make reference (for myself) with an untitled post a couple of weeks ago, and nothing in it. I opened the box wanting to write all my feelings but when it came to staring at the white box it just felt like too much effort. I had got that far a couple of times before, and then done nothing about it. But I just wanted to make a personal reference for myself, so I left an empty entry.
I do not know what is going on with me lately. I feel overwhelmed with life. We sold our house a couple of weeks ago and we are looking for somewhere to move to. I want to stay local. I'm a "roots" girl, and moving within the same ROAD would stress me out. I have lived in this town since I was a baby. That's a big deal, so it could make things seem overwhelming, but I'm not so sure that it's that.
The kids are overwhelming right now. I am trying to do school, albeit much more relaxed without too much structure right now (which suits all of us well at the moment, and I'm so thankful for the freedom that homeschooling gives us to do that!) and that is hard work. Sometimes it's easy and a joy, and I wonder what on earth could have made it seem such a huge mountain to climb before! The boys are in need of more space now that they are growing bigger, and I'm glad we've sold our home so that we are well on the way to making that happen for them. They are out in the (tiny) garden again too which helps. But meanwhile they're hard to handle at home. And next to impossible to take out all together. And it's only me, so I can't take some and not others. Sometimes Heather helps - oh she is so wonderful. I don't know how I would ever be coping at ALL without her right now, and I am completely serious about that. She takes a couple of boys to her house and they do school-ish activities for the morning on occasion. She takes a couple on a day trip to a museum. She takes some to the swings, or I do while she stays home with some others. She makes life manageable, but I'm afraid of being too dependent, and what that says about me.
I wonder what I was thinking, having so many children so close together, when life seems impossible. Heather reminds me that I was obeying my God, and that he will bless and reward me, and I know she's right. It doesn't change the "moment" though, at the time.
My children are 7, 6, 4, 3, 21 months, and 4 months (tomorrow! Can you believe it?!). That is a lot of little boys in 7 years! ;) Of COURSE life is hard, there might not even BE a harder parenting season than having 6 aged 7 and under. "They" say it gets easier as the older ones get older, even if more babies come along at the same time.
Money is tight right now. That's nothing new, but it's the way it is. I don't think that's really it either.
I am not sure what I am doing (again!) with parenting. Seeeeeriously not sure what I'm doing. I know all parents say that, but really really, people. This mama has no clue, and cannot wing it with this many kidlets. I am finding this aspect very overwhelming right now.
We've had a bad cold lately, and the boys are all snotty-but-drying-up and coughing. Not a big deal, except that it disrupted school a little bit for a day or two. Neil caught it at work, and it gave him a migraine, which coincided with a weekend, and thus he was in bed all weekend. I forget (take for granted, I guess - not good!) how much I need the weekends to recharge and have another parent around, and just for a change of pace. And the lie-ins! ;) I need those badly. Elijah still wakes quite a bit at night.
Elijah has had the cold the worst, and for a few nights running I got maybe 90 minutes of sleep broken up each night. Poor baby had a fever and couldn't breathe well, and just was MISERABLE. It's hard to cope well (even if I had been coping well to start with, which, um, I wasn't) on very little sleep. I haven't caught up with my sleep since he's been sleeping a bit better. He is currently going to bed at bedtime (7.30pm or so), napping 30 minutes instead of sleeping all evening like he was before the cold, and being awake and alert until like 11pm or later. He wants holding a lot of that time, because he's tired, and he gets really fussy and screechy, but can't seem to drop off or stay asleep. So that's tiring, and Neil helps a LOT. But then I go to bed late evening once he's settled, and lately I am having trouble falling asleep.
I don't know. My heart is just heavy. It keeps me awake. Heavy, achy heart. Lots of things about life being "full-on" right now, but there's a blanket of ache over everything. Not super thick and hard to permeate, because it isn't like that. I can carry on and I'm not debilitated (sp?), but there's a nagging ache in the background, no matter the time of day or night, and no matter what is going on at the time, any time.
I do wonder about hormones, though I think they're not a major part of things. The ONLY thing that makes me wonder about them is the fact that for the last 3 days I have really found it almost unbearable to tandem nurse Benjamin and Samuel together. When they are both latched on, and my milk lets down, I physically feel like pulling my own skin off. It's a horrid crawly feeling and deeply instinctive, so I guess it has hormonal roots. I have no idea where I am in my cycle, because I haven't been temping, and haven't noticed EWCM or anything since my last period, which I forgot to chart and which was super light. I think it was the first week of Sept - the day I decided to take all 6 boys to the pick-your-own farm on a very hot day by myself, lol! ;)
The main reason for the heavy thing is Toby. I feel daft, to the point of not wanting to tell anyone really, even Neil. But I ache, and I didn't expect to. I feel shame-faced being public about that feeling, because I personally know friends who have recently experienced dreadful losses, and this is just almost silly in comparison. But I ache.
Oh I'm trying to type this while I make macaroni cheese sauce, which is done now and the thing needs assembling, but Elijah just woke up and is crying and while he did that, Neil phoned to say he might have to stay late until like the middle of the night. Urrrrrgh. See, overwhelming. Any hour contains this kind of thing, and I sort of want to get off the ride for a minute and let everything stop spinning. All I know is that I need to close out other influences and focus in on God right now, more than ever. I need him so badly. Okay I have to go. But I'll try to update again soon. This is the only opportunity I ever get to "talk" - absolutely zero real life sources right now, and I'm going slightly crazy over it. Too much pressured up in my heart. I will be back soon.
I do not know what is going on with me lately. I feel overwhelmed with life. We sold our house a couple of weeks ago and we are looking for somewhere to move to. I want to stay local. I'm a "roots" girl, and moving within the same ROAD would stress me out. I have lived in this town since I was a baby. That's a big deal, so it could make things seem overwhelming, but I'm not so sure that it's that.
The kids are overwhelming right now. I am trying to do school, albeit much more relaxed without too much structure right now (which suits all of us well at the moment, and I'm so thankful for the freedom that homeschooling gives us to do that!) and that is hard work. Sometimes it's easy and a joy, and I wonder what on earth could have made it seem such a huge mountain to climb before! The boys are in need of more space now that they are growing bigger, and I'm glad we've sold our home so that we are well on the way to making that happen for them. They are out in the (tiny) garden again too which helps. But meanwhile they're hard to handle at home. And next to impossible to take out all together. And it's only me, so I can't take some and not others. Sometimes Heather helps - oh she is so wonderful. I don't know how I would ever be coping at ALL without her right now, and I am completely serious about that. She takes a couple of boys to her house and they do school-ish activities for the morning on occasion. She takes a couple on a day trip to a museum. She takes some to the swings, or I do while she stays home with some others. She makes life manageable, but I'm afraid of being too dependent, and what that says about me.
I wonder what I was thinking, having so many children so close together, when life seems impossible. Heather reminds me that I was obeying my God, and that he will bless and reward me, and I know she's right. It doesn't change the "moment" though, at the time.
My children are 7, 6, 4, 3, 21 months, and 4 months (tomorrow! Can you believe it?!). That is a lot of little boys in 7 years! ;) Of COURSE life is hard, there might not even BE a harder parenting season than having 6 aged 7 and under. "They" say it gets easier as the older ones get older, even if more babies come along at the same time.
Money is tight right now. That's nothing new, but it's the way it is. I don't think that's really it either.
I am not sure what I am doing (again!) with parenting. Seeeeeriously not sure what I'm doing. I know all parents say that, but really really, people. This mama has no clue, and cannot wing it with this many kidlets. I am finding this aspect very overwhelming right now.
We've had a bad cold lately, and the boys are all snotty-but-drying-up and coughing. Not a big deal, except that it disrupted school a little bit for a day or two. Neil caught it at work, and it gave him a migraine, which coincided with a weekend, and thus he was in bed all weekend. I forget (take for granted, I guess - not good!) how much I need the weekends to recharge and have another parent around, and just for a change of pace. And the lie-ins! ;) I need those badly. Elijah still wakes quite a bit at night.
Elijah has had the cold the worst, and for a few nights running I got maybe 90 minutes of sleep broken up each night. Poor baby had a fever and couldn't breathe well, and just was MISERABLE. It's hard to cope well (even if I had been coping well to start with, which, um, I wasn't) on very little sleep. I haven't caught up with my sleep since he's been sleeping a bit better. He is currently going to bed at bedtime (7.30pm or so), napping 30 minutes instead of sleeping all evening like he was before the cold, and being awake and alert until like 11pm or later. He wants holding a lot of that time, because he's tired, and he gets really fussy and screechy, but can't seem to drop off or stay asleep. So that's tiring, and Neil helps a LOT. But then I go to bed late evening once he's settled, and lately I am having trouble falling asleep.
I don't know. My heart is just heavy. It keeps me awake. Heavy, achy heart. Lots of things about life being "full-on" right now, but there's a blanket of ache over everything. Not super thick and hard to permeate, because it isn't like that. I can carry on and I'm not debilitated (sp?), but there's a nagging ache in the background, no matter the time of day or night, and no matter what is going on at the time, any time.
I do wonder about hormones, though I think they're not a major part of things. The ONLY thing that makes me wonder about them is the fact that for the last 3 days I have really found it almost unbearable to tandem nurse Benjamin and Samuel together. When they are both latched on, and my milk lets down, I physically feel like pulling my own skin off. It's a horrid crawly feeling and deeply instinctive, so I guess it has hormonal roots. I have no idea where I am in my cycle, because I haven't been temping, and haven't noticed EWCM or anything since my last period, which I forgot to chart and which was super light. I think it was the first week of Sept - the day I decided to take all 6 boys to the pick-your-own farm on a very hot day by myself, lol! ;)
The main reason for the heavy thing is Toby. I feel daft, to the point of not wanting to tell anyone really, even Neil. But I ache, and I didn't expect to. I feel shame-faced being public about that feeling, because I personally know friends who have recently experienced dreadful losses, and this is just almost silly in comparison. But I ache.
Oh I'm trying to type this while I make macaroni cheese sauce, which is done now and the thing needs assembling, but Elijah just woke up and is crying and while he did that, Neil phoned to say he might have to stay late until like the middle of the night. Urrrrrgh. See, overwhelming. Any hour contains this kind of thing, and I sort of want to get off the ride for a minute and let everything stop spinning. All I know is that I need to close out other influences and focus in on God right now, more than ever. I need him so badly. Okay I have to go. But I'll try to update again soon. This is the only opportunity I ever get to "talk" - absolutely zero real life sources right now, and I'm going slightly crazy over it. Too much pressured up in my heart. I will be back soon.
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