Confusion mayyybe resolved (still confused though, lol!)

Wow, this has been a weird one! :)

Well, it seemed like the least likely option, but I think I am going to have to presume that I DID ovulate later than I thought, which really has caught me out. I usually know my body so well! I did have some cramps that I didn't put down to ovulation at all, because I thought I had already ovulated, which (looking back) could have been ovulation pain. But still... I feel so.... it's funny, almost! ;)

I also have no idea what to make of that 9DPO test I posted a picture of. That was a line, faint, but there, and then all the other tests didn't really have anything significant to show. They all had something but I couldn't call it a positive line (I guess they are evaporation lines - again, not much experience with those as the tests I use are usually pretty good for not getting those too badly), so I charted them negative. I left the 9DPO day blank on my chart because I still didn't know whether to call it positive or negative (and 10DPO the same).

But NOW, those days are actually 6DPO and 7DPO, so waaaaay too early to test. Then yesterday when I did a super sensitive test, which was negative, that would have been 8DPO instead of 11DPO like I had originally though. Such a confusing time, lol!

Well, I had cramps and all the usual obvious (for me) pregnancy symptoms I've been having. Neil and I had date night last night which was lovely, and I was much more relaxed going to bed. I figured my temp would drop this morning but it's UP! 36.83! I didn't leap out of bed and test, but when I had fed Elijah and Samuel, and talked to Neil for a while about it, I decided to test again with a super sensitive test, just in case it WAS true about me having ovulated 3 days later (and thus today would be 9DPO).

I looked at the instructions for my new tests, and to my surprise it said to dip the stick for at least 10 seconds (never been doing that, lol!) and then to wait 5-10 minutes to confirm a negative, and to ignore any changes after TEN minutes. I always thought it was 3 minutes, but maybe different tests have different rules? Anyway, so I followed the instructions exactly. It was a negative test for about 3 or 4 minutes, and then I started to see a shadow. There was plenty going on with the kids, and Neil was rushing to get ready for work, so I didn't get the luxury of sitting for the whole 10 minutes and watching my stick, lol! By the time I had smuggled it (Arthur knows what they are and is DES. PERATE. for me to be pregnant) to Neil in the kitchen, probably 5 or 6 minutes had elapsed, and I held it up and asked him if he could see a line. He said, "Mmmm, mayyybe.... yes, there's definitely something there..." and after I'd held it at the window and under normal light, and under flourescent light (haha, slightly obsessive!) another minute had passed (still not 10 minutes yet), and Neil asked to see again, so I showed him. He said there was definitely a line, which I could see too, but I never know if I'm seeing things, lol!

Anyway, now that it's almost dry, I can compare it with yesterday's super sensitive test. They're different! Different enough for me to say that I think I am pregnant! :) I took a photo of them next to each other for comparison (the one from yesterday has one black dot, and today's has two) - the light was this really odd blue morning light coming in the window, but apart from a bit of contrast I haven't altered the photo to make it look more obvious or anything.



I think that's confirmation that I'm pregnant! :) Even if for some reason the pregnancy doesn't stick, right now I am pregnant, and I finally have evidence! :) I would normally start jumping about and saying exactly what my gestation is, etc, but I don't know what to call it! Do I stick with 9DPO (and thus 3 weeks and 2 days pregnant), or go with the original ovulation date and call myself 12DPO and 3 weeks and 5 days pregnant? I think maybe implantation occured at 7DPO with the dip in temperature, because those two days were the worst cramps EVER, even keeping me awake. The last 24 hours of cramping have been bothersome but not nearly as bad as that, so maybe... Also I would never get a positive test within 24 hours of ovulation, and a sensitive test would be the only thing to stand a chance in the following 24 hours (today), so that would make sense.

Anyway, YAY!! Pregnant! Baby #7!! Vindicated, ha! ;) I *knew* something pregnant was going on, even with my chart and test sticks confusing me!

I will definitely be back soon to update again, probably this evening as Neil is out from 8am to 11.30pm today (he's got a team-building bowling session this evening in central London), so I'll be taking a deep breath and managing all the littles by myself at bedtime, and then probably getting stuck into some internet stuff this evening while I wait up for him. I know my temp could still drop and I could still bleed (in fact, it would be statistically UNlikely for me NOT to bleed in any case), so I will post frequently to keep you up to date.

:D

Another 11DPO update

Well, the postman did bring the tests, and I used a super sensitive one, which was definitely negative. :( So that is that, I guess.

The only thing I can think of, other than waiting for my period to show up, is the fact that FF changed my ovulation date earlier in my cycle. Because I charted 3 days of EWCM after I ovulated, FF decided that I didn't ovulate then after all. I felt sure that I did, so I changed the EWCM on my chart to make it go back to the original ovulation prediction. I did have EWCM but it seemed not to be "peak" type of EWCM, to me (I think I blogged this?) so I felt that it was just fading off after ovulation but taking days about it, or something! ;) That sounds a bit lame, now I read it back! Also, it's unusual for me to have a pre-ovulatory temp of 36.38 (or whatever it was exactly) BEFORE ovulation. Usually I can go up to 36.2-36.3 before ovulation. Anything above that is usually post-ovulation.

So, with the slightest possibility that I ovulated a bit later than I thought, I went back to my chart and put the EWCM back as it was, to see what FF would make of it. Sure enough they put my ovulation date as 3 days later, which would make me 8DPO today. I am not sure.... Weirdly soft skin started only 5DPO that way, and I'm not sure if that's likely. Parsnips would have been 4 days before ovulation that way, which has resulted in 3 of our children before, so it's still possible...

Being 8DPO might explain why my period is taking "so long" to show up, pregnant or not. I would expect it to turn up at maybe 9 or 10dpo if I wasn't pregnant, giving me a luteal phase this cycle of 8 or 9 days. If it's this long and I'm not pregnant, that's a bit unexpected.

I'm leaving the chart as it is for a bit so you can see what I mean. Thoughts? I am basically waiting for my period, and currently okay with that, but I still can't shift the fact that I am totally experiencing proper pregnancy symptoms that can't be psychological in nature, and which I never ever get unless I really am pregnant. If my period shows up, then okay, but I'm still confused! :/

11DPO...

Still here, and have to be super quick!

My temp did not drop! It didn't exactly shoot up, but it's 36.75, a slight rise from yesterday's 36.71 - so still hanging in there. Hmmm....

Well, being 11DPO with my temp still up, weirdly soft skin, and crazy bad cramps, I thought I would use my last test. I was beyond confused when it was a flat out negative. Not even the line I had at 9DPO. Weird. I am not sure what to think or what to expect next. I am cramping so badly, and (I repeat!) I never ever cramp badly at all unless I am pregnant, or my period is in flow (or about to be within usually the next hour). It isn't constant, but early this morning after I woke with Elijah, it was too sore to allow me to fall back to sleep again, which is so completely ONLY going to be a pregnancy symptom. Really odd.

I have wasted too much time and energy on pregnancy ponderings this week, so today's strategy is to ignore it as much as possible, and get on with my day. The one thing left is that the postman might bring my tests, because they usually arrive the next day after I order them, and if he does I will use one of the more sensitive tests that picks up a very tiny amount of the pregnancy hormone, on my first morning urine (which I saved, and which I tested negative with earlier). If THAT is negative, I think it's a closed case. Maybe I *was* pregnant but it didn't implant successfully or something, and so it has faded away. Either way, a negative with a sensitive test at 11DPO means I am waiting for my body to catch up and for my period to start.

I will keep you posted!

10DPO...

Well, I've managed to make it to 10DPO somehow, which is rather surreal to me! That's long enough to sustain a pregnancy, anywhere from 10DPO onwards.

I haven't got much time to update this morning but I wanted to anyway, so I'll have to be quick.

I got Neil to bring home a digital test (after talking to Rebecca! :) ) and then got too nervous to use it because it's expensive, and what if it just says "not pregnant"?! Bit of a mega disappointment, right?

Then I got to thinking that when I tested yesterday at 9DPO, I had been for a wee really late at night, and then used first morning urine to test - about 6 hours worth. So maybe that wasn't adequate for first morning urine? By 11pm or thereabouts, I hadn't been to the loo since 1pm and decided to test with another internet cheapy as it was 10 hours worth of wee (yes, I should be preventing further kidney stones better. Tsk!). Anyway I was discouraged to see that it was negative. I looked back at it a few minutes later and there was a line after all, and it was the same as the morning's like - mayyyyybe just a touch darker, but basically the same. So I was back to being excited again!

This morning when I temped, I got 36.71. I feel really disappointed about that, because while it is still up there in the high temps for me, it's a drop (you can see it on my chart, the link to which is over there on the right (FF chart)), and a drop at 10DPO isn't all that good.

I debated for a while on whether to test. I talked to Neil about it before he went to work, and he was as confused as I am - I still feel pregnant. Last night I had proper bad cramps when I went to bed, and this morning the same - almost too uncomfortable to settle back to sleep when I had woken to feed Elijah. They felt like period cramps, but I don't have my period, and that never never NEVER ever happens unless I'm pregnant, unless bleeding follows within an hour-ish (which it hasn't). Neil stroked my face again and said my skin is definitely still pregnant soft. I am still weeing more frequently, and painfully hungry at times of day when I'm normally just "hungry" like before breakfast, etc. The crampiness is accompanied by a sensation of a large ball of something low in the pit of my abdomen. There is a feeling of fullness and a sort of hot pressure. It all feels very much like early pregnancy to me.

After Neil went to work, I decided I would test. I felt deflated about it even as I did so, because I didn't feel much hope for a positive, and statistically, a negative at 10DPO isn't a good sign for me. I did see a line, basically the same as the one I posted a picture of yesterday. I had probably not weed in 8 hours. Shouldn't it be stronger than yesterday's, if there's a healthy pregnancy starting? It's making me second guess whether the lines I've been seeing are real lines in the first place. :( I shouldn't have to look soooo hard for them at all angles, at 10DPO, unless they're not really there, maybe?

Then I got out the little box with all the test sticks (yes I keep them! It's a cross between "Aww!", and "Eww!", lol!) from all my other babies. Someone's are missing! :( I found Arthur's, Matthew's, Samuel's and Elijah's, all labelled. There's another set of four, labelled with DPO, but no initial to show which boy they were from. :( So they are either from Nathan or Benjamin, but the other one of those boys has no tests saved! I have no idea why, I'm sure I saved them all...

Anyway. All of the pregnancies which tested positive at 10DPO were clearer than the test I took today. Most of them I started testing after 10DPO though. Samuel's tests were interesting. I started at 8DPO with him (negative), then 9DPO (also negative) and then I was discouraged at 10DPO so didn't test, but tested again at 11DPO and got a positive, which is only a touch darker than the tests I've taken today and yesterday, so hmmm.... I compared my 9DPO tests (morning and evening) with Samuel's 9DPO negative, and the lines on the recent ones are more obvious than the not-actually-there line on Samuel's. That gave me hope! :)

I looked in my blog for a photo of Samuel's 11DPO test, and found the post where I put it, and an altered version (like I posted here yesterday) to make it clearer: (THIS IS SAMUEL'S, just to note! Not today's!)





And then I found a post where I had a comparison photo of all the tests I'd taken so far with Samuel, including the too-early ones at 8DPO and 9DPO:



BUT. I checked my now-very-looonnnnng list of charts, to look at pregnancy charts and chemical pregnancy charts since the one before Arthur was conceived. Many of my chemical pregnancies seemed to have a drop like this actually at 10DPO, and then my period or spotting at the end of the day, and a proper drop the next morning. I'm really discouraged, looking at those charts, because I feel convinced now that I am not going to be keeping this little one. I'm sure I will end up having another chemical pregnancy. :( And the only thing to do is wait.

[Edited to add: Just bought some more cheapy tests, as I only have one or two left now, and it looks like I will need some for next cycle. I bought a pack of 10 of the ones above (smallest size available, and it only cost £2.29!!!) and for the first time I decided to buy a pack of 10 of the more sensitive ones, which measure 10 whatevertheyares of pregnancy hormone, as opposed to 25 like the others I've always taken. Same as First Response Early Result. So, at least those are on their way!]

9DPO - morning update!

Well, as I had thought, my temperature did not drop!! :) I was so excited to see 36.89 - it went up AGAIN!!! :) My skin is definitely weirdly soft, and I'm sitting here at the kitchen table feeling more crampy than ever. Just like "pressing down" cramps, not just pains. They're not awful, but they're not my usual in my luteal phase. They are pretty usual for early pregnancy though, yay! :)

I tested, and was a bit concerned that the test was negative. I only had a couple of minutes but a line didn't come up in that time, so I put the test high up out of sight, and rescued Elijah from a climbing calamity (he's climbing now!), and then came back - must have been no longer than a minute later. There was a line on my test stick, but only if I, you know, stood on my head with my eyes crossed and looked at it under the light of a thousand suns at a 48 degree angle, lol! ;)

So now that it has dried I can compare it with the ones from the last two days, and there's definitely a very faint line!! :) I tried to photograph it, but it's soooo faint. I made a copy that I altered crazily with contast and saturation, etc. to show the line I can see as clearly as possible. Here are the two pics - see what you think...





I'm a little bit nervous, even with the high temp, that it's as faint as my positives have been with my chemical pregnancies, and so maybe this will end as a chemical pregnancy too? I know that isn't logical really, because any healthy pregnancy is going to start out with a negative and slowly slowwwly fade into a barely visible positive line, if you start testing early enough. I guess I just have to wait and keep temping (nervous about that now, though!), and testing.

I already have a new symptom today - bloodhound nose! ;) Actually I think maybe that started yesterday, because I asked Neil if he could smell cigarettes in the afternoon, in the living room, and he said no, so I dismissed it but I was sure I could smell them faintly. Today I can smell things like it's a super power, lol! I was at the tumble dryer folding clothes and I thought, "Ugh, why can I smell milk!" It smelled like it was literally spilled on the clothes in front of my nose, and I thought that was not a good sign (I have genuine reason for such paranoia in my house!), but it turned out that I was smelling the breakfast table which hadn't been cleared yet! It smelled so close to me!

Okay, I have been trying to write this for two hours now (!!) with too many distractions to count, and I've stopped to do various things with/for the boys. Now I've just put Elijah to bed for his morning nap, and I need to get started with school, so I'm going to just post this, and if there's any significant news I'll update again this evening. I do feel very crampy at the moment, as though I'm about to get my period, and have dashed to the toilet twice already today to check my underwear, as I felt SURE I had started my period, but no. This is very pregnant of me! :)

I have charted tests that look like the one above as "positive" on my chart before, but I'm not sure whether to take that leap yet or not... To be consistent I think I should, but I don't feel secure shouting, "I'M PREGNANT!!!" yet. I will have to wait to see what tomorrow brings!

8DPO! :)

Yes, you're right - definitely time for an update, lol! ;)

So I am now 8 days past ovulation, which is when my temperature had dropped and spotting/bleeding started last cycle, even though a pregnancy had started. This time things look pretty good at 8DPO! :)

My temperature went up yesterday morning, at 7DPO, significantly enough for me to think, "Oooooh!", and I had more "bad" cramps - the type I only get when pregnant. So I did the sort of thing that's perfectly normal for Crazy Obsesso-Woman (she's baaaack, haha!), and peed on a stick! At 7DPO! lol! Ah, I know, I know. Of course it was negative - really negative, and I still have last cycle's test sticks, so it was comforting all over again to compare yesterday's test with those, and see again that there really was a positive result last cycle.

So, 7DPO, negative test. I had a really busy day yesterday. After my long email to Heather, she wanted to talk about some of the things in it properly, so Neil (marvellously!) looked after all 6 boys while I went and met Heather in a cafe, and we sat on a comfy sofa with cups of tea and talked for THREE HOURS!!! :-O A lot of it was really serious stuff related to me needing to DO certain stuff related to getting social services off our backs, etc. And some of it was just uncomfortable for me to talk about. Heather thinks I should consider the likelihood that I am suffering from depression, and that considering medication might be a worthwhile thing. I have nothing against the condition, or people who suffer from it, but I have such a BIG personal issue with ME suffering from depression (long and complicated past history), that I really really REALLY don't want to go there - to think that I'm going down that road again. Ugh. I have been on medication for depression before, and do not want to again. I have nothing against anyone who does, or againt anti-depressants in general, but I. don't. want. it. for me! :( I don't know why, I just don't. I just think everything will be alright in the end, or else I want to pretend it will, but Heather thinks I am maybe burying my head in the sand, and that I will need to take action on it in some way for it to get better. I still hope she's wrong...

Anyway. We discussed a lot of tough subjects, and none of it was awful or stern, just uncomfortable subjects, but with the world's best listener and "sorter" - she is so resourceful and thoughtful on ways to help, and gives so lovingly and generously of herself in the solutions she thinks of. There's too much to list here, and this entry isn't really about that, but I'm just making note as I likely won't make note of it anywhere else. Also to note that the morning utterly and completely wiped me out. I think it was the emotional aspect (not that I got teary or anything, just... it was uncomfortable) or something, and the length of time. In the last 15 minutes or so I started to feel kind of unwell, as though I was too tired in my head to take any more. I felt dizzy and started to feel a bit nauseous with it too, and then I came home. Elijah took a nap and Neil took the other 5 boys out to the park, while I prepared school for the week ahead, photocopied worksheets, etc. (yes, I own a photocopier. One of my best school-related buys ever!) and looked up a few of the things Heather had suggested. I had a headache and felt really tired but I needed to get school prepared. I had put the dizziness down to tiredness, but actually I noticed some the day before - just little moments here and there throughout the day - and yesterday I continued to have the odd dizzy spell right up to the end of the day. I kept feeling somewhat in denial that it could possibly be an early pregnancy symptom, even though it IS, for me, often. I just thought that if I was as tired as I was, dizziness like that was to be expected. I have changed my mind today, because I'm still feeling totally exhausted, and having more dizzy spells too. I think they are early pregnancy symptoms, to be honest.

What else at 7DPO? I should update every day, otherwise I have to remember the other days' stuff as well, and then it's not so relevant in any case, but I need it for the full picture. I will definitely update daily from now on, until I have some news (of either sort).

The busy day (well, busy for me!) continued with a fantastic evening at church, especially for ladies! :) Heather bought us both tickets weeks ago (isn't she wonderful?!) and I left my excellent husband to put all six boys to bed, and spent 3 hours of the evening with 250 ladies, being entertained (oh I actually cried running tears during the stand up comedy section! I was so glad I had been to the loo in the interval, lol!), drinking wine (well, I only had 1/3 of glass before I started to feel a bit weird and dizzy, so I stopped then), eating incredibly yummy cupcakes, and generally having a wonderful time. It was run by World Vision, so the emphasis was on the desperate need for sponsors for needy children. I have sponsored an 8-year-old boy in Uganda. It will be wonderful for my boys, and possibly life-saving for him.

I was quite crampy on and off through the day. I definitely needed to chart "bad cramps" because it was bad enough to make me distracted at both the cafe AND even during the entertainment in the evening, so that's noteworthy. The sensation was a sort of crampiness inside my pubic bone/hip area (an inch above) on one side or the other, but mostly on my right side.

I also felt that I could possibly chart frequent urination yesterday (and today is the same), but only because of needing to wee a bit more than I usually do, and feel quite urgent and seem to have a lot to wee when I do, despite not drinking enough fluids. I don't have any UTI symptoms.

Otherwise I was feeling quite neutral yesterday, in terms of whether I felt like I was really FEELING pregnant or not. I began to THINK I was. Oh but I did have the same tender breasts symptom that I charted the day before. I had noticed that I hadn't yet felt what I usually do when in early pregnancy - really sore "flashes" of stabby pains. This was just achy and sore, which I can get before periods too. I don't get the flashy pains normally, before periods. Anyway, yesterday afternoon I had some flashy pains!!! I was really excited! :)

So, 8DPO - today! :)

At 4.30am, I woke up because Elijah did, and was PAINFULLY, burningly hungry! I also really really needed a wee, but didn't do anything about either, partly because I had no opportunity, and partly because I wanted to save the wee for a test if my temp stayed up! ;)

I was so excited, but not at all surprised, to get my highest temp yet this cycle!! :D That's a reeeeeeally good sign for me at this stage. I really feel pregnant today - I both think it, and feel it. And the temp was really encouraging. 36.8*c is a temp I don't usually reach on non-pregnant cycles. I mean, I CAN and sometimes do, and a good pregnancy sign for me is getting to 36.9, or a SURE sign is 37.0. I have never reached that unless pregnant, and when pregnant I ALWAYS do, eventually, in my LP. But 36.8 is pretty stonking. I know it can go either way still, but I am sure now that I am pregnant, and just hoping it doesn't end in a chemical pregnancy, as I would love an October baby, and not to have to get into the hassle of Heather starting all her craft fairs from the end of October to just before Christmas (where she would be unavailable to be at the birth as my doula - can't even imagine!!! :( ). I would also just love not to lose this baby...

So of course I tested! ;) The test was negative, though I wondered if mayyyyyyybe there might be the slightest shadow where a line is supposed to be, compared with the day before. But I honestly could well have been seeing things, so I am not putting anything on that. It's definitely a negative test. At only 8DPO, that is not too surprising. I think the earliest I had a proper positive test has been 9DPO, but sometimes I've had a faint line at 10DPO and nothing at 9DPO (once? I can't remember if more than once). Anyway.

So, today I have had plentiful nagging aches and pains around, to the side, and above my pubic bone - mostly on my right side. Sometimes it's like a boring pain. It's actually just started again as I'm writing this. It bothers me every time I'm lying down breastfeeding, but it's not a constant pain at all. It feels similar to cramps, but just not. I also had a moment this afternoon when I was breastfeeding Elijah for his nap, that I started to feel an increasing pressure, like a wave of proper bearing-down type cramps - those felt very much like my period was starting. I have been checking quite a few times today, because sometimes it felt like it was starting, but it never was. No spotting at all, though I have been scrutinising my underwear, lol! I do have the same CM as I mentioned before, still.

Today I asked Neil to check my face (he has always been my chief tester for this particular pregnancy sign, and is very experienced at knowing the difference between normal-soft and pregnant-soft, hehe!), and he stroked my cheek, and had barely touched it when he said, "Yep!" :) Definitely "weirdly soft skin" - as I chart it! I only ever (EVER) get that when pregnant, and usually from about 8, 9 or 10DPO. There isn't another possible explanation for that one! :) I am sure sure SURE that I am pregnant. :)

I am hungrier than usual, and the main thing about it is that I'm suddenly URGENTLY hungry, seemingly out of nowhere, and I MUST eat or else my tummy hurts and I feel weird. I have also been dizzy on and off again today, like I said earlier, and I feel really really exhausted - pregnant exhausted, or about to get my period exhausted.

It hurt to breastfeed the little two at bedtime, and I have just feel very irritable and moody this evening too. Pre-menstrual, sort of, but I strongly suspect it's actually down to pregnancy hormones, such as it has been at this kind of stage in previous pregnancies (and I've always wondered about PMS then too!).

What else? I'm really bloated, as yesterday (and pretty much the day before too, now I think about it). I am also "gassy" in the chartable sense - which is an absolute pregnancy symptom for me, in each and every pregnancy (chemical and not), in my luteal phase. Lovely! ;)

I can't think what else... and I'm really tired out so I am starting to feel a bit woozy and not think too clearly. I'm feeling optimistic and excited about temping in the morning - quite excited to go to bed just because it means the morning will come soon! :) But I'm also slightly wary of being optimistic, because I very easily COULD find that my temp drops, pregnant or not, and I start to bleed. It has happened so many times now, even with a beautiful chart full of obviously pregnant rising temps, or temps that have plateaued out at a high level. Still it can plummet without much warning, and then it's over and done with. This time I don't know what it is... I feel terribly attached already, to the possibility of this particular little one. I don't even know why that should be. It won't have any bearing on whether or not this particular little one stays with me or not, but I think it will have a big impact on my feelings this time if this little one doesn't "stick". I normally just think, "Ah well!" and know that God knows best. This time I just SO want this baby - the feeling has taken me by surprise and just come from nowhere, and I'm trying to mentally chant in the background, "God knows best, God knows best, God knows best..." to keep me focused on what's actually important, not what *I* want. But this time, for some inexplicable reason, it is more difficult. I don't even have confirmation that he/she is even there, but I love this baby so much. I feel really vulnerable even writing about it, without that security of a stick in my hand with two lines on it. It could all crumble away to nothingness tomorrow...

Neil is also sure I'm pregnant. He says he just knows I am. The boys continue to talk about "what we'll call the next baby!" and I found Neil at the computer this evening looking at 15 passenger vans!! :) I keep being distracted by the thought that I might be on my journey to have my 7th, seventh, sev-enth baby!!! Six I had hoped for and longed for, prayed for, even, since I was 6-years-old. Six I had dared to expect, in the last couple of years. But seven? Beyond my heart's desire? Could God - would God really actually be that generous to me? I can't stop thinking about it, and breathlessly asking myself that question. I can't believe He would really bless me that much! More than I ever asked for, even though I asked for quite a generous blessing in the first place! Me - the mother of seven children?! I feel slightly in disbelief that that person could actually be me! And I'm not - yet. Not until I know for sure that I am pregnant. But it feels so close... I can almost touch it. Such a generous and loving God! Now, God also knows that the desire of my heart is to have a daughter, but if He chooses not to give me a daughter, then who am I to complain at him and bemoan the fact that he has given me alllllll these sons!!! "Sons are a heritage from the Lord", says the Bible, and I believe it! :)

I will have to just wait and see. I expect my temperature to be high, still, even if it's a bit lower than today. A big drop would surprise and disappoint me, but I think I would still test all the same. I have 4 tests left. I will definitely use one tomorrow, whatever my temp is.

Thanks so much for keeping up with me and for your lovely excited comments! :) I really love reading them, and I feel kind of surrounded by friends in my journey which is lovely! I will update tomorrow as soon as I can, re. my temp and test. I'll update my chart as well. Back tomorrow! :)

6DPO

Just an update on how this cycle is progressing.

I am 6 days past ovulation today and feeling pretty neutral, physically - neither pregnant nor like a period is coming. It's a weird sort of calm-before-the-storm feeling, and I'm not sure what to make of it!

My temp, which shot up the last time I updated at 4DPO, dropped down a bit the next day, and today was pretty much the same temp (I use a fertility thermometer which has two decimal places, and today's was 0.02 degrees lower - basically nothing). I am just waiting to see what happens tomorrow with that, and I'm unsure what to expect. Maybe it'll drop lower and I'll get my period over the weekend sometime. Or maybe it'll be similar to today's again. Or go up? I will just have to wait and see.

I am having a lot of "different" CM this cycle, since ovulating. I actually went back and changed the last day that I'd charted EWCM - because I am not sure I was right about that. It's continuing the same but it's not true EWCM. Not fertile CM, but certainly different from what I'm used to in my luteal phase. It's sort of like at the end of pregnancy when I lose little bits of my mucus plug (not the proper "show") - sorry for the detail! ;)

Um, what else?....

I have been pretty crampy - that's worth noting. Mild cramps mainly, but I have also had some odd discomfort above my pubic bone - different places at different times, too. Sort of a pully/pressy achy feeling - not like a bruise, mostly like a crampy sensation, but not exactly cramps... I can't really put my finger on it. It's been there since 3DPO, on and off, and when it has been bothersome enough to distract me, I've wondered if maybe there's something up with my bladder/urine, but I think that's all fine. It goes through to my lower back. I've had quite a lot of low backache, and just a low pressure sensation front and centre as well. Such vague feelings, and I can't believe I've had so many pregnancies and I'm still going, "Hmmm, I'm not sure what to make of this....", lol! Today and the day before yesterday (4DPO), I have even charted "bad cramps" very tentatively, because the crampy sensation was actually proper sore. When I went to bed that night at 4DPO, I felt crampy like a period was starting maybe. So for me, that is not my usual mild cramps, and I show that difference by charting them as "bad cramps". Today I have had the same (not yesterday though). I second guess myself a lot and wonder if I've just "tweaked" some muscle or ligament in my pelvic region, or something daft like that! ;) But I don't know. It's bothering me now even, all of my lower back, but deep, not surface muscles, and above my pubic bone about 1 inch on my right side. I have only ever charted "bad cramps" (as I've probably said a zillion times over the years, lol!) when I am pregnant, even if it's a chemical pregnancy in the end. I haven't ever had bad cramps in my luteal phase when I am not pregnant. Ever. Once I thought I was wrong for the first time ever - I had bad cramps, felt sure it must mean pregnancy, and then got my period and pretty much said, "Ah well! There's a first time for everything!" thinking that I had finally been proven wrong on the "I only get bad cramps when I'm pregnant" thing. And then I discovered Elijah was on the way a couple of weeks later! ;)

Soooo, going by that, I would say the cramps are pretty self-explanatory and they make me feel pretty confident that they are implantation cramps! :) I am trying not to get overly excited about it because I have had too many occasions where that implantation never got finished because of a short luteal phase, and it could happen the same way this time. I was driving to an appointment this afternoon, and thinking about it as I went along, and I thought that surely it was too early anyway at 8 months PP, for my luteal phase to be likely to sustain a pregnancy. I'm not sure why it escaped my mind that my last two babies were conceived at 8 months PP! I also thought that because my LP was only 7 days long, the LP in my next cycle would surely not be long enough yet. But then I checked my chart this evening and saw that the cycle before Elijah was conceived had a 6 day LP. So, I guess anything is possible! :)

Today's appointment was a follow-up with the stone clinic at the hospital - after my kidney stone in July 2011. The consultant is going to discharge me back to my GP if an ultrasound and X-ray of my bladder and kidneys shows me to be stone-free at the moment. I have a greater chance of developing kidney stones now that I've had one in the past (whoop. dee doo.). So today was my appointment for those tests. I had the ultrasound which took aaaaages, and I'm so thrilled that they didn't find any stones even though they searched for ages! :) Small stones can't be seen on ultrasound so there might be some of those, but hopefully not, and they're small enough so that they pass without causing trouble, apparently. Anyway, I knew that I shouldn't have an X-ray if I'm pregnant, and I'd googled this week to check if that was true of very early pregnancy. It is. So when they said that I would be going for an X-ray next, I said, "Hmmm, I might possibly be pregnant...." and they said that they have pregnancy tests if I needed to find out. I told them that I was only a week past ovulation, and they said that I had better hold onto the request form and make an appointment for an X-ray at least 10 days after my period starts. If it doesn't start, then obviously I wait until after the baby is born. But if it does, they have a rule of waiting 10 days, and no parsnips are allowed from the start of that cycle until after the X-ray. The hospital is brilliant and it turned out that I could attend a walk-in X-ray clinic (!!!) at my own convenience, any day of the week or at the weekend, so long as I have the request form. I would have loved to find out once and for all today whether I have any kidney stones at all, but I feel happy to have made the decision for the wellbeing of my tiny tiny little baby (if that tiny tiny little baby is in there). Even if I am pregnant and lose this little one, I will feel like I have made a decision on something for him/her - something I planned to do was changed for that baby's sake, and that makes the baby all the more real somehow, even if I end up with a chemical pregnancy again. I will be able to think, "Oh remember when I declined that X-ray because of the baby?" That feels comforting. Because I have no idea whether I will get to keep this little one (and I guess by the way I'm apparently writing, I do feel like I am carrying one, then...), being able to think of something tangible like that will make that baby permanently real to me.

Anyway. So I haven't had an X-ray yet, and maybe I won't?! ;) I can't tell anyone why I haven't had it, so I'm hoping nobody asks, or else just not mentioning much about my appointment to family, etc!

The doctor who did my ultrasound was so lovely. She said, "Aw, will it be your first?" lol! I NEVER get tired of these moments, hehehe! I told her that I have six children, and she looked rather shocked, haha!! :)

Well let's see... what else? I have had some breast tenderness since 4DPO. A sort of bruised feeling that throbs, and comes and goes, not the usual tenderness, but not the flashing pain that I often get in early pregnancy either. It's not there all the time, and it's not all that bothersome, but I'm making note of it all the same, for future reference.

I am charting increased appetite today, not that I'm ravenous before meals are due or anything, but because for breakfast I had 4 waffles, butter and maple syrup, and then for lunch I ate a load of leftover chicken pasta bake and a sandwich (!), and then for dinner I ate a huge plateful of salmon in white wine sauce, pasta and vegetables! And THEN put away a slice of chocolate brownie cheesecake. Oh yes. And that doesn't include snacks (of which there have been quite a few. *cough*) I have been hungry before all my meals, but not painfully or long before they're due. I have had a lower than usual appetite for the past few days, so this is a huge contrast. I'm also much more thirsty today than I have been, even though I'm drinking more today.

I have had the strangest feeling through the middle part of the day today. I kept needing to go and check whether or not my period was starting. I kept feeling sort of leaky, and with a crampy sensation which made me feel SURE I was starting my period, so I would go and check or wipe, and of course there was no blood. That's something that I remember from early on in my pregnancies, but I can't remember whether or not I also found that it happened sometimes when I wasn't pregnant too.

I think that's it really. Oh but yesterday afternoon, Matthew randomly made a suggestion for what we could call the next baby while he was in my tummy! And today - completely out of nowhere - Nathan did the same thing, and Matthew overheard him, and the two of them started coming up with suggestions (sillier and sillier as time went on, I might add!), until Arthur joined in as well. Arthur has been actually pestering me to pee on sticks, and asking when a new baby would be in my tummy, etc. for some months! Today while they were discussing names, he suddenly said, "Mummy, do you have a new baby in your tummy now?" and I told him that I couldn't answer his question, because I didn't know the answer at the moment. He said, "You could wee on one of those sticks..." and I told him that was a decision between Mummy and Daddy! I don't want him to know "early" before I'm ready to tell them, when I get pregnant. I want to announce it, and probably not the day I test positive either. I want to be a bit creative with them, if I can, because the older ones are old enough to appreciate a bit of cryptic excitement now! ;) We'll see. I think I managed to throw him off the scent anyway. I love that they're suddenly asking random pregnancy-related things, since yesterday! :)

The only other thing of note is that I have been feeling really quite depressed and unhappy this week. Heather emailed me to ask for an update on the social services situation (she's a great support), and I did update her, and then ended up sending her a separate (very long!) email just spilling out my entiiiiire heart on everything. She emailed me back with lots of love and encouragement, and some suggestions, and said we need to chat face-to-face about some of the things I told her about in my email. So tomorrow morning I am meeting her for coffee somewhere (Neil is looking after the boys, including little 'Lijah!) while I do that. Nervous, but reliiiieved to have a wonderful friend to really talk to over things that are overwhelming me. Our church has a special event on for ladies tomorrow evening as well, and Heather bought us both tickets to go! Wine, music, laughs, chocolate - sounds wonderful! :) Have I mentioned lately that I love love love Heather completely?!! :)

So, I will see what my temp does in the morning, and hopefully if I'm going to get my period it will wait until a convenient time like Sunday afternoon, lol! I will keep my chart updated even if I haven't updated here, but I'll aim to update here soon as well.

Ella, if I am pregnant, I will be due October 19th! :)

4DPO!

Just to quickly say THANK YOU so much for the supportive, loving comments. You guys uplift me so much, I can't tell you! :) I love you!

Also, I did ovulate! :) I'm currently 4DPO, although for some reason it feels like much longer since I ovulated. My temps did a slow-ish climb and FF put my ovulation at the day after the parsnips, even though I continued have EWCM for a few more days. I had to chart EWCM because it had certain.... characteristics (!) that only EWCM does, even though I was pretty sure it wasn't particularly fertile CM. It was like, instead of going away the day after I ovulate, it was having a more gradual disappearance!

Anyway! Moving on from the TMI! ;)

I'm only 4DPO but I feel... odd, further on, somehow. At what I now know to be 2DPO (before the chart had shown my ovulation having occurred yet), I had some weird sensations above and behind my pubic bone, like crampiness. It continued into yesterday morning - when I went to climb over the stair gate (long story!), there was a discomfort just above my pubic bone that felt for all the world like a mini ligament pain. If I was 8DPO I would most definitely be taking that as a pregnancy sign, but at TWO DPO?! Way too early.

Yesterday, at 3DPO, I had such an unhappy day. I just felt like crying all day long, and couldn't cope with the general running of the day/children/house. I had so little energy, emotionally as well as physically. I am going to chart "weepy" when I update my chart in a minute. That, again, is sometimes a pregnancy sign in my luteal phase, but in past pregnancies it has occurred at 4-5DPO instead. 3DPO is really tooooo early. Anyway, noted.

Yesterday I had a little dip in temp, almost low enough to be a pre-ovulatory temp, and I wondered if I would even get my coverline on my chart for ovulation because it had gone back down. But I did anyway, and then today - TODAY! - my temp shot up like craaaaazy!!! I'll have to see whether it drops back a bit tomorrow, but 36.75 is a high temp for me at just 4DPO - higher than usual, I think. My chart isn't very pretty this cycle, lol! It's a bit spikey!

This morning I don't feel weepy (so far) but I DO have what feels to me like bad cramps, low down. It feels like mild period pain, and goes through my back. Again, this would all be making me think pregnancy, except for how EARLY it is. So I will just have to watch and wait. Charting bad cramps today because of the pain I'm in at the moment, which, as you might know, I have only ever had to chart during my luteal phase when I am actually pregnant. With Elijah I had it (I always do when pregnant) and then apparently got my period, so for the first time I felt like I had been wrong about the bad cramps meaning pregnancy. Then lo and behold, a positive test a couple of weeks later! ;) So I would be saying, "Woohoooo, bad cramps! I know what that means!" but it's surely too early?! Unless I ovulated a day earlier than the chart says? I had ovulation pain at bedtime the day of the parsnips, but then I had some ovulation pain the next morning too, and my temp was still low enough to be a pre-ovulatory temp, so....

All my implantations have happened between 4 and 7DPO - ALL of them, even the 9 chemical pregnancies, as far as I know. So I am now in the right window for that, but yesterday? Implantation would explain the big temp jump today, but I will have to just see what my temps do for the next couple of days to be sure it isn't just a freaky temp or something.

Anyway, that is the update! :) Back soon!

Cycle Day 20 (already!)

Just keeping tabs on things by updating here.

I continued to feel pregnant for a while this cycle. It was really weird. Neil kept being SURE I was pregnant, which isn't like him (unless I am), but I really really wasn't. I was going to test yet again, to be sure, because Neil wanted me to, but I temped again and convinced him that a low temp meant I wasn't pregnant!

My temps have been unusually stable this cycle so far, pretty much ALL 36.1-something! That's really really stable, even for me. I can't help but think of Arthur's conception, because I had never seen my pre-ovulatory temps so steady and samey before. I haven't temped every day for most of my cycle - just every other day or every few days, to keep track until getting nearer to ovulation. I'm charting parsnips when it occurs at a "relevant" time in my cycle. Right now I'm on CD20 and my 5th consecutive day of EWCM. I had a huge temp dip yesterday and it's still low today, although it's come up a bit. I wondered if I would even ovulate yesterday because of the huge dip, but I don't very often have such a thing as an ovulation dip with my temps - though I know others who do. It's just weird to see it against all the very samey temps beforehand!

I sometimes have obvious signs that ovulation is about to occur, even including ovulation pain, at around this stage of my cycle in the first 8 months PP, but then it's like a failed attempt, the fertile signs go away and my temps remain low. Then a couple of weeks later, I get another attempt and ovulate. I think that happened the cycle Elijah was conceived, if I remember rightly. I didn't ovulate until CD40 in the end because of it! So I will wait and see, this cycle. I have had ovulation pain. I am noticing that I am finding ovulation more painful as I get older - or maybe it's just a "more babies" thing? I don't know. But either way, I am feeling ovulation more, and the run-up to it as well. I feel achy and heavy, usually on one side, for days before I ovulate, and the discomfort intensifies over the days until I have the more familiar sharper crampy pain of actual ovulation. That can actually last me a couple of days now, instead of being quite brief. It lingers, dulls down, and fades off.

So I have had some very strong fertile signs this past week. Lots of EWCM. Yesterday was Neil's birthday, and parsnips did occur. ;) So I have charted that, because it's in a fertile window. It is very very difficult to find time and energy for such pursuits when you have six children including a baby! ;) Typically we can have several interruptions from tiny people, and yesterday was no exception!

Hmmm, I'm never sure quite how personal I should be with blogs any more... I used to write like this allllll the time, and now I am... out of the habit, maybe? Or more wary/paranoid?! Who knows!

Another thing I'm never sure about whether to write in my blogs these days is deeply personal thoughts and feelings, like I used to, on certain things. Neil and I are far more contraversial with each baby that we add and each year that passes, than we ever were before, and MANY people disagree very strongly with our choices. Some act as though they even feel threatened by our own choices, in some way, and it's not all that fun to be on the receiving end from such people. So it's becoming easier, and maybe less stressful, just to keep things related to that stuff to myself more and more. Except for special forums, made for mamas who know and are in the same boat. There I can open up without fear of criticism or ridicule, and receive advice, love and support. I do get wonderful support from friends who strongly disagree with me here though, I know that! :) Thank you, if that is you!! xxx

So, some of you know that life has been mightily stressful these past 5 or 6 months. We have had... unwanted, and unmitigated intrusion from social services. I haven't blogged about it. Their concerns are unwarranted, and they now tell me that my children are healthy, happy, and lovely, and that I am a great mother. But the intrusion, people. The feeling of harrassment. The panic attacks! The overwhelmingness of it all, it has been hard to bear. My eldest two children have been almost impossible to manage, and the wheels are turning at last for assessment for Autistic Spectrum Disorder (Asperger's syndrome, particularly, in Arthur's case). Their behaviour is so difficult. Homeschool is going well at the moment. Elijah has been discharged (this week!) from the osteopath, fine and dandy at last. He wakes 3-5 times from bedtime to morning, always, since birth. Bad patches mean 5-8 (or more) wakings, and I am one exhaustulated mama. He's happy and healthy. He started sitting before 5 months old, and crawling before 6 months. He is 8 months old tomorrow, and has been cruising the furniture for a couple of weeks. He cut his first toothie a week ago (a bottom middley - my earliest teether so far! Well, tied with Matthew, anyway), and he has that tell-tale eroded dark line on his gum over his first top middle tooth tonight. From the look of his poor bulgy gums, I think he will probably have two at the top and two at the bottom within a week or two.

Elijah had his 8 month check last week with a new health visitor who came to my house and weighed and measured him. He weighed 14lbs 15oz - just about at the 2nd percentile! So weeny! And he's 67.5cm (26.5 inches) tall - just under the 9th percentile. My tiny precious peanut!!! I love him sooooooooooooooooooooo. Sorry about all the 'o's. Each and every one was necessary!

Elijah isn't babbling at all yet (da-da-da-da-da, ma-ma-ma-ma, etc), which is "late" for my babies, and for development in general, I think. But I think he's been focusing on motor skills and not interested in a THING else, therefore. He shouts, squawks and does a funny loud cough to get our attention (both Neil and I, and his brothers!), which is right on target for his age, so that's good. He is also still exclusively breastfed. He just doesn't really want to eat food. I am going with what we always do, baby-led weaning (no purees), and he is interested in what we're doing, and he grabs food from our plates or hands, but he's horrified when he puts it to his mouth, lol! He seems extremely texture-sensitive, and even an individual crumb on the tip of his tongue causes his mouth and eyes to water, and then the gagging starts. I started to wonder about trying him on purees because of that, but he has gagged and retched on tiny tastes of yoghurt (maybe the cold temperature?) and things like that. He just isn't ready for solids yet, even though he's 8 months old. He isn't moving food to the back of his mouth. BUT, I did find out the other day that he likes to hold solid food, and likes the taste of rusks! He managed to cope with the texture because it just melts away, and he ended up eating about a quarter of a rusk in one sitting on Thursday, by just sucking on it! So that was his first real proper intake of any food! :)

Samuel turned 2 last month, and he is still breastfeeding on demand (to some degree) through the day. He asks a LOT! I probably sit down on the sofa and snuggle with him and let him breastfeed maybe between 3 and 5 times from getting up in the morning to before bedtime. I say no several times a day as well, but only really because I can't stop to nurse at that moment. Some days he nurses to sleep like that around lunch time, or mid-afternoon. I let him nap for a bit and then wake him up, or else bedtime drags on. At bedtime, he always has his milky in bed ("miggy-bed!") as an absolute set-in-stone routine. I don't breastfeed him overnight unless he wakes from a bad dream or something, and then I always do.

Benjamin is 3-and-a-half this month, and still breastfeeding. I am sure he will be like the two eldest boys and stop at age 4. He still loves his milky, and usually if he sees Samuel nursing then he will want to as well, so I usually tandem nurse during the day. Elijah is just reaching the stage where he will take a quick feed sitting up next to me on the sofa, so sometimes I tandem nurse Elijah and Samuel together, and Benjamin has to wait (rather pitifully, lol!)! Oh for three breasts! ;) I LOVE tandem nursing, and particularly, I love extended breastfeeding. I stop loving it quite so much by age 4 (hence nobody nursing longer than that - just personal preference), but breastfeeding a 1, 2, or 3-year-old is just a wonderful experience. Benjamin takes very quick nursing sessions, not like Samuel. And he still has his bedtime milky in his bed, but always after Samuel has nursed to sleep, by which time Benjamin is sometimes asleep already, so on those nights he doesn't have any.

It's bizarre to me that I am nursing a 3-year-old, a 2-year-old, and exclusively breastfeeding an 8-month-old baby, and yet ovulating, charting, temping, having periods and a chemical pregnancy, etc., lol! My body isn't textbook, that's for sure.

So. Not the easiest of times. We are STILL in our tiny home. We sold our house in the autumn, and lost our buyer because we didn't find a place to move to in time for them. We sold again a couple of weeks later, before Christmas, and our buyer is still hanging in there while we spend most Saturdays driving all over the place viewing properties, with our van-full of complaining mini travellers. They are less-than-impressed that we're trekking around ("This is so boring!!") and then Neil and I take turns to go into houses with the estate agents while the other sits in the van with the children. I know it's not fun, but hey ho, it has to be done! We can't afford to live here if we need a bigger house, and we need to find somewhere else that we CAN afford. We just have nooooo idea where that somewhere is. We're working on it! But the weeks are passing.

And in the midst of all this chaos....

Are we crazy? Are we absolutely out of our MINDS?! For Neil particularly, the pull has been very strong, to prevent pregnancy. He isn't very focused on God most of the time, which I find really hard, as his wife and as a mummy trying to raise her children to know God. :( When it's time for decision making though, it does come back to God, and we talk about it, read about it, pray about it. We both have varying degrees of anxiety over continuing to have babies, but ultimately we end up feeling confident that this is the way forward.

We are coping with a LOT, and sometimes it's overwhelming. I know the whole world, the whole world thinks we're crackers not to. That makes it even harder to stand where we stand, and practise what we preach, if you know what I mean. If I trusted God to be in control - to know what is best for our family, to know which children (and how many of them) to add to our family, and when.... then that should not change. Even when it's hard. Even when it seems like we surely know better than He does, what's right and wrong, and what's best for us at this particular season in our lives. I mean, it's obvious, isn't it?! More babies right now? Craaaazy, right? Not good for our health, maybe? Not good for the wellbeing of the children we already have? Lots of things have been running through our thoughts and conversations, and prayers.

But two verses keep on coming back to me, and they sit with me like they're stuck to me - way more sticky than post-it notes. My attitude sometimes shakes them off, but then I look down and oh, there they still are, stuck to my side. They uplift me and point me to the truth, so I cling to these verses in difficult seasons when I am BLESSED enough to still be a woman in her fertile childbearing years:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

"In all your ways" to me, includes reproduction.

""For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."" (Jeremiah 29:11)

No matter how things seem to me, I must must MUST trust that God knows best. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. This is not some blind laughable step-in-the-dark faith. This is GOD - the Creator of the universe and the ends of the earth, who gives and sustains life, who sent His own son to die so that I could live. This same God has most definitely got the ability, not to mention the absolute right, to control the adding of new people to this little family submitting themselves to Him. I also know that God desires to oversee the growth of our family. It doesn't make sense that He wouldn't. Do I believe that, and then decide that - okay, God is to be in charge, but then maybe He just doesn't realise how difficult things have been? Or maybe God can't understand that someone like me who is by nature impatient and disorganised, could surely not manage to be even a semi-efficient mother of 7 or 8 children under the age of 10! SURELY?!!

No. God knows me through and through, like nobody reading this could, nor my own husband or parents. I don't even know myself and my own needs and weaknesses (and strengths) like God does. He KNOWS me. And that verse from Jeremiah is for me, for me. He knows me, and yet He plans only good things for me. So I have to conclude that if I become pregnant, it's because God knows that I have a special need for practice in the ways of patience and organisation, lol! He knows that He has placed in me a special gift of the loving and nurturing of children. He knows that children are a joy and a blessing, even though there are difficult patches, and He LOVES to give His children (that's me!) good gifts because He is a generous and loving Father. For all those reasons, and many more than I don't even know or understand yet, He sees fit to bless me by sending me presents from heaven in the form of babies, genetically mine and Neil's. I still pray (and I know this is Neil's heart too) that one day God will be pleased to also send us children who aren't genetically ours, but who have been predestined to be our own children from the beginning of time.

The semi-efficient thing is irrelevant - and clearly I will need to re-read this entry many times over the years to come, lol! I struggle with confidence in this area a lot and need to hear what I'm writing now, pretty much daily. It's irrelevant because "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me", and because I am not supposed to be able to do these things in my own strength. When I do it in His strength, He gets the glory, and that's how it should be.

Anyway. This is all stuff that I really wish I would get around to posting at my main blog! Maybe I will just copy and paste the updatey (non-EWCM-related, lol!) stuff to my main blog, then it's THERE. It's late now so I need to go to bed, but I just wanted to waffle about those thoughts here for a bit. I wanted to explain. I know I don't need to. But I wanted to. So when (if) I were ever to share that I spend the best part of a week completely overwhelmed, wade through Saturday and spiritually stagger into church on Sunday with my heart weighed down with heaviness, head to the ministry team to be prayed for at the end and just say through tears, "My heart is just heavy. I don't know how to do everything. I just feel so overwhelmed right now. Please pray for me.".... then I come here and say, "Woohoo, looking good for conception this cycle!!! :D" - please don't jump on me saying that I'm nuts, and can't I see that I obviously need a break and shouldn't be doing this right now! ;) I know the temptation will be strong. I DO have those moments. The above example was from the week before last, and it's not an unusual example. But you know? They did pray for me, and I did leave church refreshed for the week ahead. Not every week is that bad. But in any case, having babies isn't just a negative, another burden to add, to an intense season with strong emotions and a major life challenge. It is also a blessing, and a joyful focus, a relief of some burdens, and a physical boost (in many ways, as well as being physically draining in others, lol!). It's another PERSON, who lives! *I* will settle down, life will soothe back to a steady hum eventually anyway, more babies or not, but this way another person lives! How will God use their life? Which people will they touch and change with their existence? Which children will they bear and how will their lives impact the world and those around them? On and on the blessings go. I count it all joy - I've read that somewhere in the Bible, can't think where off the top of my head - I count it all JOY, because wow. What a privilege. I don't want to cut off that opportunity, because I'm having a bad day (well, slight under-exaggeration, but you know what I mean!). My bad "day" will pass. My fertility will too. I don't want to miss any opportunity for God to bless us and open my womb again. I'm a bit scared in some ways, but not when I focus on all the stuff I have written here today.

Elijah is waking so I have to go, but I'll be back soon to update on whether or not I ovulate! :)

Update! (and an update to the update, lol!)

Oh I'm so frustrated with my new phone!!! I'm really sorry to leave you hanging. I wrote an update dayyyys ago, on the phone, thinking, "Ooh this blogger app is really nifty! So easy to use!" and posted it. Only just now did I think to update again and find that it never posted!!! Then looking on my phone it recorded a "failed to post to blogger" message but never notified me! Aaaargh!!

ANYWAY! I will use the laptop from now on. Our internet is back and all is resolved, thankfully, so I can do that.

I totally presumed the temp drop and bleeding was my period, which is what I thought everyone would assume, given the next day's temp still being low, so I didn't update right away. I saw some comments about waiting for an update, so I did one! I'm sorry it didn't post and it's been AGES since I last posted therefore!

I had a fairly usual period, maybe a bit heavier than normal to start. Not awful in terms of cramping, which is good I guess. I still have the positive test stick, and I'm not sure about throwing it away. I've had lots of chemical pregnancies now - this one makes 9 beginnings of the building blocks of precious little people, since the cycle before Arthur was conceived. And tiny Toby as well, of course, which makes ten. I believe that I will get to meet them all one day, which is quite a thought! :) And I thought I was a mother of many children here on earth! :)

I have temped a few times since starting my period, just to make sure. Every time, it has been pre-ovulation low, for sure. So I haven't tested again because of that, even with my experience last time with Elijah. I just hadn't temped that time, so I wouldn't have known that my temp must have jumped back up after the initial drop and bleed. When I did temp again, I was 17 days past ovulation and it was nice and high.

Inexplicably, I do wonder this time though. My temps are consistently low, and I've had a period, so OBVIOUSLY I'm not pregnant, but there are odd things that ended up being the red flags that got me suspicious in the end, with Elijah. I have the odd spot on my face, which (as with Elijah before I realised) I never ever get unless I am GETTING my period (they always clear up within 2 days after it starts) or I am pregnant. I feel kind of bloated and full in my low abdomen (which can be put down to IBS maybe?), and I'm really exhausted, like hormonal exhausted. But I can put that down to some crazy bad sleep lately with staying up reeeeeeally late finishing Nathan's birthday cake on Friday (he's FIVE!!!!), and then not getting enough sleep since then. I was talking to a lady at church last night and randomly felt a bit gaggy when I swallowed, one time. It distracted me with that, "Hmmm..." thought even while she was talking to me. Tonight I was looking at a book and turned to face the laptop, and in that split second I could taste (and suddenly wanted) lasagne, but a specific brand and everything, and I had already eaten dinner so I wasn't hungry. I am more irritable than usual, but that's a tiredness thing probably. Just a few random weirdnesses that DO come together and make me wonder. I think if I hadn't been temping at all since my period I would be nervously excited for the morning to come so I could temp, and I think I would probably expect it to be high like when I did all this with Elijah and I turned out to be pregnant. But my temps are low, so it CAN'T be. So weird then. Neil wants me to test anyway in the morning. If I am still counting from ovulation, I would be 16DPO today - uncanny that it's the same timing as when I finally thought, "Hmmm...." with Elijah and tested the next morning. I think I will test and just once and for all put my mind at rest about it.

I am too tired to write more tonight, and I think Elijah is going to wake for a feed any time now so I'm going to get ready for bed. I will update if I test tomorrow, whatever the result. If I don't update, I didn't test! Thanks for asking after me and for being excited! :)

[ETA: My temp this morning was 36.17, low enough to still be pre-ovulatory, as in not pregnant. I tested anyway, and the stick has a stark white line, so NOT pregnant! I looked at all three tests together (the one from 8DPO, the one from 9DPO when I had already started my period that morning, and today's), and it's probably weird of me, but I felt a huge surge of relief and happiness seeing the obvious difference between them. In my didn't-post-properly update, I said that when I looked at the 9DPO test again, it looked the same as the 8DPO one. Maybe even a touch less faint than the day before, but I felt a bit silly because I was obviously starting my period and my temp had been dropping for 2 days. I started to question whether neither of them showed anything about a baby starting to grow, and maybe they were evaporation lines? I didn't think they could be because they showed up within the first minute or two, and seemed to have pink pigment to them, and I've never seen evaporation lines on this brand of tests that I've used (extensively, haha!) for years. I did start to doubt my original thoughts over it a bit though. Anyway, it's strangely wonderful to see the faint pink lines (9DPO actually does seem to look a little stronger, even though I had started properly bleeding by then) against the absolutely non-existent line on today's test. Now I feel happy to be able to reassure myself that I WAS pregnant, and a tiny person DID begin inside me, and I WILL meet another child in heaven one day. It's likely that it would have been a perfectly healthy baby, but my body wasn't able to sustain its growth. :( Which is a bit sad, but there we are, I suppose. Anyway, closure. I can put it behind me now, and wonder what on earth is going on with my hormones to cause these few weird symptoms, lol!]

Updates and developments!

I cannot believe how long it has been since I last updated!! It was September or something crazy like that! I'm so sorry! Things have been so busy and various things have happened to make life more stressful, but anyway...

Most annoying right now is the fact that our internet suddenly cut out on December 28th, and now it's January 5th (Happy New Year!) and it's STILL not working!!!! Sky can't figure it out so they are sending a new router in the post which they hope will work but that will still take until at least midweek to arrive - aaaaarrgh!!! Far more frustrating is the fact that I might actually be pregnant and have not been able to tell my dear old bloggy friends!  You guys know how crazily obsessive I tend to be about post-ovulatory/early pregnancy symptoms, but let me tell you, I have nearly been going out of my mind with having no-one to share it with!! Neil and I used Christmas money this afternoon to buy a smart phone (or whatever they're called - I am so not technology-savvy!), and I have finally figured it out enough to use it to first update my chart (having not charted a single thing since Elijah was born), then check for any urgent emails, and finally relieve my pent-up-ness at this blog. I haven't even got as far as Facebook yet but I will.

Soooo.... Elijah turned 7 months old on December 27th!! He is so precious! He is still the teeniest of my babies by quite a way, but also the earliest for developmental stages and motor skills. He was sitting unsupported while still 4 months old, crawling while still 5 months old, and pulling himself to stand at furniture at 6 months old! He just started cruising like a tiny, doddery, extremely adorable old man, two days ago. So proud of my clever tiny boy! :) He has the most lovely soft sticky-up hair and the sweetest smile (no teeth yet, but none of mine have had teeth at his age yet - Matthew was the earliest at 7.5 months). I would post a recent pic if I could, but I'll have to wait until our proper internet is back up for that.

Ow, this thumby typing for ages is hurting my hand! I will have to try and make this more brief!

So, for the first time, no charting. I have no idea what my cycles have been doing. I have made mental note of when a period begins,  but not taken note of how long my cycles are or when during those cycles I am ovulating. I visually note fertile signs as they occur, but not much more than that, and I haven't temped at all - very unusual for me!

Getting to the point then (!), my last period (I think my 4th so far, and they have all felt quite long to me) started on December 3rd, and I was noticing EWCM by Christmas Day or the day after. Parsnips occurred on the 29th and I promptly ovulated a couple of hours later, going by the change in intensity of ovulation pain, which had actually been particularly bad and lasted several days this cycle. Sure enough, my temp was up the nexmorning, had a little dip the next day, and has since climbed steadily ever since!

I am now at the end of the day at 7DPO and going out of my miiiind over the fact that I'm 7DPO with climbing temps after parsnips on the day of ovulation. Now, I know that I've conceived before at 7 months post-partum and my luteal phase has been too short to maintain things, and that could happen again, if I am even pregnant.

I do feel pregnant, so far, early though it is. I have had a horrible headache at 4dpo, the typethat I really only get eeither when I am pregnant, or the day before my period arrives.I expected my period after that really,  but at the same time I felt like surely it was too early to get my period just yet? That same day I felt generally crampy, really quite nauseous, and kept having hot flashing pains in my left breast. The next day, 5dpo, the headache went away, but the crampy feeling continued, and I also noticed I felt dizzy at times, and was much more bothered with the same stabby breast pain, but on both sides this time.

I have been generally more irritable than usual, even for my norm this early in my luteal phase, and of major note to me is the fact that I've been exceptionally tired for the last three nights (tonight is the fourth, but I'm battling it like the nutcase I am so that I can write this! For me, this particular type of completely wiped-out feeling is something I'm only familiar with from the day before my period shows up (on rare occasions, two days), or during early pregnancy. It was my biggest clue when I finally figured out that I was pregnant with Elijah, so hmmm....

The only other thing of note is that I have had a sudden taste in my mouth the last two days. The first day it was vinegary chips, and this morning it was vanilla wafers,  for some bizarre reason! I feel heavy and slightly crampy most of the time, which could be pregnancy or pre-menstrual, I guess. Last night we had waffles for dinner, and in the night I woke up dreaming of noise which I couldn't switch off which was actually nausea,  and my room seemed to be abnormally strongly perfumed with the smell of waffles. I felt really sick for a while before I could go back to sleep. I've had some queasiness every day lately.

I am excited and happy about the thought of being pregnant again so soon, although I am also more anxious than before because there is just so much going on for us at the moment. I would still never (ever) prevent pregnancy just because I have a lot on my plate, and fully trust that God knows what He is doing.

Tomorrow will be 8dpo. If my temp drops then I will probably get my period and that will give me a 7-day luteal phase, which might be in the realms of norm at 7 months post-partum, but I would have thought maybe a bit longer by now? Anyway, I will see what happens with my temp in the morning. 8dpo is a bit crazy early to start peeing on sticks, but I've done stranger things in my time, and I have leftover cheapy tests from before Elijah,so who can say!  ;)

I will update tomorrow - it's crazy late now and I need to go to bed.

Just not coping too well...

... and I'm not sure why. I'm writing it here in case it is hormone related somehow. And because it feels a little more sheltered and intimate here. I have intentionally NOT written about it for several weeks. Well, I did make reference (for myself) with an untitled post a couple of weeks ago, and nothing in it. I opened the box wanting to write all my feelings but when it came to staring at the white box it just felt like too much effort. I had got that far a couple of times before, and then done nothing about it. But I just wanted to make a personal reference for myself, so I left an empty entry.

I do not know what is going on with me lately. I feel overwhelmed with life. We sold our house a couple of weeks ago and we are looking for somewhere to move to. I want to stay local. I'm a "roots" girl, and moving within the same ROAD would stress me out. I have lived in this town since I was a baby. That's a big deal, so it could make things seem overwhelming, but I'm not so sure that it's that.

The kids are overwhelming right now. I am trying to do school, albeit much more relaxed without too much structure right now (which suits all of us well at the moment, and I'm so thankful for the freedom that homeschooling gives us to do that!) and that is hard work. Sometimes it's easy and a joy, and I wonder what on earth could have made it seem such a huge mountain to climb before! The boys are in need of more space now that they are growing bigger, and I'm glad we've sold our home so that we are well on the way to making that happen for them. They are out in the (tiny) garden again too which helps. But meanwhile they're hard to handle at home. And next to impossible to take out all together. And it's only me, so I can't take some and not others. Sometimes Heather helps - oh she is so wonderful. I don't know how I would ever be coping at ALL without her right now, and I am completely serious about that. She takes a couple of boys to her house and they do school-ish activities for the morning on occasion. She takes a couple on a day trip to a museum. She takes some to the swings, or I do while she stays home with some others. She makes life manageable, but I'm afraid of being too dependent, and what that says about me.

I wonder what I was thinking, having so many children so close together, when life seems impossible. Heather reminds me that I was obeying my God, and that he will bless and reward me, and I know she's right. It doesn't change the "moment" though, at the time.

My children are 7, 6, 4, 3, 21 months, and 4 months (tomorrow! Can you believe it?!). That is a lot of little boys in 7 years! ;) Of COURSE life is hard, there might not even BE a harder parenting season than having 6 aged 7 and under. "They" say it gets easier as the older ones get older, even if more babies come along at the same time.

Money is tight right now. That's nothing new, but it's the way it is. I don't think that's really it either.

I am not sure what I am doing (again!) with parenting. Seeeeeriously not sure what I'm doing. I know all parents say that, but really really, people. This mama has no clue, and cannot wing it with this many kidlets. I am finding this aspect very overwhelming right now.

We've had a bad cold lately, and the boys are all snotty-but-drying-up and coughing. Not a big deal, except that it disrupted school a little bit for a day or two. Neil caught it at work, and it gave him a migraine, which coincided with a weekend, and thus he was in bed all weekend. I forget (take for granted, I guess - not good!) how much I need the weekends to recharge and have another parent around, and just for a change of pace. And the lie-ins! ;) I need those badly. Elijah still wakes quite a bit at night.

Elijah has had the cold the worst, and for a few nights running I got maybe 90 minutes of sleep broken up each night. Poor baby had a fever and couldn't breathe well, and just was MISERABLE. It's hard to cope well (even if I had been coping well to start with, which, um, I wasn't) on very little sleep. I haven't caught up with my sleep since he's been sleeping a bit better. He is currently going to bed at bedtime (7.30pm or so), napping 30 minutes instead of sleeping all evening like he was before the cold, and being awake and alert until like 11pm or later. He wants holding a lot of that time, because he's tired, and he gets really fussy and screechy, but can't seem to drop off or stay asleep. So that's tiring, and Neil helps a LOT. But then I go to bed late evening once he's settled, and lately I am having trouble falling asleep.

I don't know. My heart is just heavy. It keeps me awake. Heavy, achy heart. Lots of things about life being "full-on" right now, but there's a blanket of ache over everything. Not super thick and hard to permeate, because it isn't like that. I can carry on and I'm not debilitated (sp?), but there's a nagging ache in the background, no matter the time of day or night, and no matter what is going on at the time, any time.

I do wonder about hormones, though I think they're not a major part of things. The ONLY thing that makes me wonder about them is the fact that for the last 3 days I have really found it almost unbearable to tandem nurse Benjamin and Samuel together. When they are both latched on, and my milk lets down, I physically feel like pulling my own skin off. It's a horrid crawly feeling and deeply instinctive, so I guess it has hormonal roots. I have no idea where I am in my cycle, because I haven't been temping, and haven't noticed EWCM or anything since my last period, which I forgot to chart and which was super light. I think it was the first week of Sept - the day I decided to take all 6 boys to the pick-your-own farm on a very hot day by myself, lol! ;)

The main reason for the heavy thing is Toby. I feel daft, to the point of not wanting to tell anyone really, even Neil. But I ache, and I didn't expect to. I feel shame-faced being public about that feeling, because I personally know friends who have recently experienced dreadful losses, and this is just almost silly in comparison. But I ache.

Oh I'm trying to type this while I make macaroni cheese sauce, which is done now and the thing needs assembling, but Elijah just woke up and is crying and while he did that, Neil phoned to say he might have to stay late until like the middle of the night. Urrrrrgh. See, overwhelming. Any hour contains this kind of thing, and I sort of want to get off the ride for a minute and let everything stop spinning. All I know is that I need to close out other influences and focus in on God right now, more than ever. I need him so badly. Okay I have to go. But I'll try to update again soon. This is the only opportunity I ever get to "talk" - absolutely zero real life sources right now, and I'm going slightly crazy over it. Too much pressured up in my heart. I will be back soon.

Toby

Further to my last post here, this is just a p.s. I suppose, that I wanted to write before time passes and it never gets done. It's late and I should be sleeping, but I'm still pondering... I'm not wasting my time, I promise. This has been kind of deep within me for a long time now. I felt so silly about it, like people would think me daft if I admitted it. I DO think Elijah had a twin. I thought it at the time when it was suspected at the first scan. I have thought about it since, even knowing that by then, there wasn't a twin there. I STILL think about it, not wistfully like I wish it could be, but just because it's a fact of the matter, deep down - you know? I can't explain it any better.

Because I didn't get bashed for the idea when I finally wrote about it (!!), I feel safer admitting the next bit - that he has a name. Identical twins are obviously the same gender, so I know the little lefty-bean was a boy, and how blessed I am to know exactly what he would have looked like! :) Happy closure comes, for me, with naming him. I don't have to try to name him, because I knew immediately when I first thought that he existed, what his name would be. He isn't. Well, he WAS, but he isn't here now, and maybe some might think he might as well not be named because he "barely" existed (if there's even evidence enough to support that). But I feel so so so sure, I can't explain. I'm glad that somebody professional questioned at the scan - that even they thought they saw a second baby and a second heartbeat. I'm glad I have visible evidence of Elijah's hair whorl to really give weight to that original suspicion.

I know I said last entry at one point, "What would his name have been?" or something like that. But I knew his name. I don't know why I even put that. I guess I felt nervous.

His name is Toby David. Because... I don't even know why his name is Toby. I just knew, when I first said out loud, "Elijah and..." Toby just fell into place in that sentence without even a second's delay, and I was certain of his name immediately. I had no idea of its meaning. I wanted David next to it because I knew it had something to do with love, as a meaning, and I liked that.

Well just now, I looked them up.

Toby - from the Hebrew "Tobias" - "God is good".
David - Hebrew - "Beloved".

My heart is just about overflowing now that I've seen those meanings - how perfect! God is good ALL the time, no matter how it feels or seems. He's always good. He was good in allowing Toby to die, in order to keep Elijah safe, if that is how it happened. Toby is an example to me of how God is good, plain as day, simple fact. And beloved is so wonderful, so perfect to have in his name. Because obviously, he's completely beloved, and I'm glad to name him with that description of my heart for him.

That's all really. I feel really good to give him a name and actually tell someone. I don't think I will refer to him often. I still somehow feel a bit daft calling him by name and referring to him as a person, because MAYBE he didn't even exist after all? But I am sure he did. That's all I can say. I love how the names Elijah and Toby sound together, and I would love to be referring to them together on a daily basis now, but I am content with my GOOD God's plan, and my happy place in it. :)

9 weeks old, and back in the saddle again! ;)

NOOOO time to update, but here goes anyway:

* Elijah is 9 weeks old already!!! 10 this coming Sunday! Can't believe it.

* He is doing okay. Pretty much the same - and 8 weeks old was a bad week for him, but so far 9 weeks old is going better for the poor boy! :) It's all so random and unpredictable, but he's getting there I guess. The last osteopath appt (he has them every Friday) was with a different osteopath and he saw a senior osteopath who was supervising as well. They concluded that he is "one uncomfortable baby" :( He has a slight twist to his body through his spine from top to bottom, which isn't unheard of, but which is very difficult to treat apparently. He still has some neck and lower vertebrae issues, but the head compression is much better after several sessions of work on it, and his diaphragm is less tight than it used to be. He seems (apart from the last two or three days) just as distressed and uncomfy as always, so they are suggesting that he comes off the reflux meds if they are not helping, and also that I can go back on dairy again (WOOHOO!!) because if it's not making a difference, it's probably not an issue in the first place. It will be hard to tell if reintroducing dairy makes him react because he is often distressed, and unpredictably so, which would make it hard to link it to something. If he stays happier for more than just these couple of days, I will try adding some dairy back in and see how it goes. I am still giving him the ranitidine 3 times a day, although two different days in the past week I have forgotten to give him one of those doses, because the previous one was late and then distractions happened, etc. Anyway, the missed dose made no difference either of those times - one time he was just as miserable, and the other time was yesterday and he was just as HAPPY as he had been before the missed dose! :) I hope that's a good sign, but I don't really know how these medications work, in terms of time-frames. I am continuing with it for now, until someone tells me not to! I would rather not give him a drug that he doesn't need, but I want to do what's best for him and for him not to be in pain.

* Elijah is smiling and cooing a LOT now, and these past couple of days it's almost been like he's a different baby at times. I daren't mention it online really, lol! Last time I said he'd had his first GOOD day ever, he had the most awful week or two ever starting the next day. He is also cuddling into my front in a relaxed way when I hold him facing me, which he has pretty much never done except for maybe the first couple of weeks here and there. He seems so much like a.... normal baby, today and yesterday. He is still crying quite a lot and seems uncomfy at times, but he spends quite long periods of time (10 mins or so) looking perfectly comfortable and calm and quiet in the bouncy chair, just surveying the blurs of his brothers whizzing around the room. He has started talking to the button numbers we made that are high up on the living room wall (our "school wall"), and smiling at them in a rather flirty way, dare I say it, lol! His eyes are all, "How you doin'?!" with his smile when he looks at those button numbers, hehe! ;)

* He laughed for the first time!!! 8 and a half weeks old. I know that is quite a bit earlier than some of his brothers. I was snorting like a deranged pig, holding him about a foot in front of my face, lol! He opened his mouth wide in a BIG smile, and his eyes went all wide and shiny and twinkly, and then I did it again and he tipped his chin up suddenly and started a chuckle - just one "note" of a chuckle, mind you, and then it was violent hiccups, as they have all done when first making a new sound or action with their little larynx, bless their sweet hearts! :) He has laughed several times today, not just at the piggy snorting sound either, which is just wonderful for me to hear and see. I cried the first time he laughed. I didn't expect to, and it was ecstatically HAPPY tears. I just felt overwhelmed that he laughed, and seemed joyful, after such sadness for all these weeks of his short life. It was a precious moment.

* I got my period!!! I KNEW something hormonal was going on with my body! Always feels great to have been right about one's own body, hehe! I did have EWCM on and off for maybe 5 days to a week - I didn't chart (will back date and chart it when I get chance though) so I am not sure exactly when the EWCM stopped and thus ovulation might have occurred. I did have ovulation pain on my left side - or at least I thought it was, but it had been so long that I doubted my "knower" and wasn't sure if it was really ovulation pain. I didn't make note of what day/date that was so I have no way to know how long my first luteal phase might have been. No more than 5 days though, I'm pretty sure. The norm for me for the first couple of cycles is 4/5 day luteal phases, so that would be about right. I have had shorter ones on my first cycle though! So I was 8 weeks PP when my period came. Day 1 was really light and although I knew it was period-related (my lochia had cleared up completely the week before, and any new red bleeding is always cycle-related after that), I wondered if it would be a real period or not. Next day it was heavy, more so than usual, and the same the next day. It has been a heavier period than my usual ones are, but that's okay. It lasted 6 days and then a day of spotting, so definitely a period. I do not know what my body thinks it is doing, when I am nursing THREE children (including a new baby day and night), and stretched to the max physically and emotionally with Elijah's troubles and 6 little ones aged 7 and under, lol! But I will NEVER complain again about periods. They are a blessing from God, and they fill my heart with joy when they show up. They mean babies, and that is a joy that I am cherishing more than ever as the number of years left to have them starts to dwindle. The whole purpose of periods is to have babies. I am excited that my body is trying to get back to that so soon! I know it takes many months before my cycles are fertile enough to sustain a pregnancy, and chemical pregnancies are common for me as a result, but oh it's so wonderful to see a period! It's like God's reminder to me that He made me to have babies, and there's a breathlessly wonderful thought that He may bless me again before too long. Getting a period is a reminder, and a happy one, so I will never complain about periods again, even if they arrive in the midst of overwhelming-ness, only a week after stopping bleeding after giving birth, lol! I'm glad He allows me some months to physically recover though :)

I am going to start charting now that I'm having cycles/periods again, but I'll have to find a moment to do so (which means remembering to do it in the first place!). For now I'm marking a calendar (subtly!!) so that I don't forget dates of fertile signs and my periods, and I'll enter all that data on my chart when I get around to it. Yay for cycles! I love watching my body's signs in joyful anticipation of another baby-treasure somewhere down the line! It makes me so happy!!!! :D

So I should probably stop updating here really. Elijah is already 2 months old, and past the initial newborn stage. But I think I will just update sporadically anyway, because his issues are ongoing, and I'm ovulating again! :) So I'll post now and again as before! I love my pregnancy blog! Such an exciting time in my life, all this reproducing! I'm cherishing it for ALL I'm worth, for as long as I can!

I will try to get smiley photos and videos of Elijah laughing and cooing up sometime. I have a post on my arthursmummy
blog at the moment which has a little video clip of my 4 youngest boys, just doing random sweet things. It includes Elijah cooing (it is a couple of weeks old, this video clip) which I didn't expect to catch, and it's the first time on camera, so you can always see that there if you haven't already. I'll try to get recent photos up soon though! :) He has been hard to photograph for a while because of how sad he always is, but lately I'm starting to catch a few relaxed or smiley photos! :) Back soon, anyway. Time to medicate him and then feed him, and then sleeeeeep for the few hours I can before morning! Two days until the weekend! :)

6 (nearly 7!) weeks old

Another fly-by post, hoping I can type at least something before Elijah wakes and I have to go, and won't have chance again today (or even tomorrow, who knows?!).

Elijah will be 7 weeks old the day after tomorrow. It's going fast, but it's kind of hard-going, and I have to take each day at a time. I am (honestly) doing so cheerfully, and it is working out okay, but I am getting tired now, and starting to feel a bit wistful for things to settle down and to be able to get the focus back on my other children and the house (and homeschooling!) that I had before he was born. I understand why I can't, and I'm doing the best I can, and I'm okay with it all. I am not stressing out about it. Just making note here that I'm lately feeling a bit drained and looking forward to more settled days ahead, whenever that happens (I'm not sure when to expect change yet. Perhaps not for a while?).

Elijah has been on his medication for reflux for 2 weeks tomorrow, and it has also been almost two weeks since I cut out dairy. I didn't go crazy reading labels for ingredients that come from milk at first, but decided to after reading other people's stories of how their babies responded to even tiny amounts in foods, etc. So I think I can say I have been completely dairy-free for maybe 10 days? I am not sure. Maybe a few days less. Anyway. I miss milk and cheese, and it's proving really hard to find a variety of foods that I can eat which are nutritious enough AND accessible enough, AND quick enough to cook, AND easy enough to cook, for me to be able to actually consider them. Not proving easy at all. But oh well! It's worth it if it helps my little one.

He is starting to be more calm these last few days. He is having longer periods of calm alertness, and since maybe the day before yesterday he has surprised me by sitting in the bouncy chair for maybe 5 or 10 minutes in a row without crying! That is AMAZING for Elijah, believe me. He otherwise cries all the time. ALL of it. Or sleeps, or feeds. Otherwise he is crying. Lately not quite so much! :) He is cooing and smiling at us a lot, and even at the boys a bit today and yesterday. He had his third osteopath appointment this morning and smiled and cooed and generally flirted with the osteopath, which was sweet - and a big eye-opener for her to see how much he has changed since the first appt (screaming and rigid and distressed for 2 hours).

Aaaargh my laptop battery is about to die and I left the power cable next to the bed where Elijah is sleeping! It's late so maybe it's not a good idea to try getting it in case I wake him and then start a whole cry cycle again before I get chance to go to bed.... I think I will post this now, unfinished as it is, and update again tomorrow with the rest, if I get chance! Back soon! :)

Well, I did post it, but it's now 20 mins before Elijah's midnight meds are due and I'm all ready for bed, sitting in a dark bedroom next to a sleeping baby, having drawn up his syringe-ful of yucky bitter stuff by the light of the laptop monitor (now plugged in!). He's still sleeping, so I think I will carry on updating the original post unless he stirs, or midnight arrives! ;)

Elijah had his 6-8 week check with the doctor on Wednesday. I was supposed to have my postnatal check the same day, but I wrote down 2.20pm (his appt was sent to me in the post for 2pm) for some reason, and when I turned up for both our appointments, they said it was 9.20am and I'd missed it! :S Whoops! Not sure what part of my brain wasn't there at the time of making the appointment, but oh well. The doctor was very nice about it (same one who had me in tears over being 5 mins late with Benjamin's 6-8 week check - perhaps she'd learned her lesson, not to make this particular mother upset postnatally, lol!) and I rebooked for next Friday at 10.30 with a different doctor (since that's all they could offer me), but I think I will end up cancelling that one because Elijah's next osteopath appt is sure to clash with it. I don't know when that is yet because the osteopath he sees was fully booked for Friday, but he NEEDS to be seen weekly, so he is on a waiting list for cancellations. If there isn't one, she said she would double book him with someone else just to be sure he gets a treatment :) The beautiful thing about this place is that it's FREE. They are a registered charity (The Osteopathic Centre for Children, in London) and encourage donations by families being treated there, so I donate sometimes after an appointment. We can't afford osteopathic treatment in any other setting, so I'm ever so thankful for the OCC! :) Anyway, who knows when I'll get my 6 week postnatal check! Probably sometime, eventually! I have no concerns about me anyway.

I have pelvic pain and back pain still, to varying degrees, depending on my activity level. I saw my physiotherapist at the hospital on Thursday last week, and was given a ton of very very very simple and careful exercises to do, which I am getting precisely NO time to do so far. I have to go back at the beginning of August, because there are some of the very very very simple and careful exercises that I am still unable to do without pain, so I have to wait on those and go back to see how I'm doing. I am so frustrated because for once I desperately feel the need to be getting fit and exercising properly, but the physio told me absolutely NO exercising whatsoever. Only gentle walks (an impossible activity with any of my children in tow, let alone all of them!) or the exercises prescribed. I have been doing a bit more walking lately, just getting from the car (parked a few mins away) to an appointment or something, which sounds laughably puny but is actually quite a bit of exercise for me, embarrassingly! :/ On Monday it was Benjamin's 3rd birthday (!!!) and we all went out to find a good place to run about (the boys, not me!) and jump in huge puddles, as that's what Benjamin wanted to do in the end on that rainy birthday! So I walked quite a bit further than my body said I ought to, and with Elijah on my front in the hug-a-bub. It was okay walking with him in there - he slept pretty quickly and stayed asleep until I put him in the car seat to go home - but my back did ache after 10 minutes or so. Oh well. Anyway, I hurt like crazy the next day in my feet and ankles and hips! Soooo unfit. *sigh* I so want to get stuck into toning up and increasing my stamina, and aerobic exercise for my heart and lungs, but I'm not allowed to yet. It's going to be a slow gradual process to just get my core muscles and ligaments accepting of basic exercises, which is really frustrating, but a worthwhile process I'm sure. I want to be in much better shape before my next pregnancy (which I hope will happen!) :)

Elijah's appointment with the doctor went quite well. He weighs 9lbs 5oz, which puts him at the 10th percentile for weight (9th on the charts they go by, 10th in the breastfed baby charts), which is the curve he's been on since birth. He did go up nearly to the 25th percentile last time he was weighed by the health visitor, so the doctor sees this weigh-in to show a "dip" in weight gain. *sigh* He is a tall boy! He was never measured at birth but I always felt he was longer than average because despite being really skinny and his clothes being baggy on him, he was always outgrowing the length of the footed sleepsuits, and the sleepsuits without feet were like shorts, halfway up his legs, hehe! Anyway he is 59cm long (23 inches) which puts him between the 75th and 91st percentiles (80th percentile on the breastfed baby charts). The doctor got kind of concerned about the difference between his height and weight percentiles, and suggested I topped him up with formula. I didn't expect that. She said she didn't really believe he has reflux and that he cries a lot and feeds a lot (2-3 hourly or more frequently, but very randomly around the clock because I feed him on demand) because he's a "hungry baby". And that's he a hungry baby because he needs "more" than my milk is giving him. *another sigh* That was a bit of a low moment, to be honest. A mummy doesn't feel good to hear things like that, even if it's cheerfully suggested and meant to be helpful or lighthearted, which it was, and I love my GP. But I do not want to supplement with formula, and don't believe it's the best or right thing for him. I am sure there is no reason why my milk can't be enough for him. I have a huge supply, as always. I am breastfeeding Benjamin maybe twice a day, Samuel whenver he wants it during the day (4+ times maybe?), and Elijah day and night pretty frequently, and still leaking loads between anyone's feeds when my milk randomly lets down. Everyone gets what they want when they feed and stop when they are full, and I can hand express more right afterwards. So it's not a supply thing. I don't think there is really anything wrong with his feeding pattern, nor that he's a "hungry baby". On the day of the appointment I really felt kind of knocked, confidence-wise, by the whole thing, and was second-guessing my gut instinct (which is to breastfeed, not supplement, and not introduce solids early (ie. before 6 months)). But I've had some good encouragement and support from friends online and people in the know, and feel much more confident that my gut instinct is right now.

I am perfectly happy to feed him all the time! I know he doesn't need to be feeding TOO frequently because that can aggravate reflux (in fact the whole feeding frequently thing IS a symptom of reflux, tsk!), so I need to talk to Heather about it as she's a breastfeeding counsellor. She is away on holiday until Sunday so I'll have to wait until then. Anyway, he is feeding well, and growing, so I am not worried. The GP prescribed him formula for babies who are allergic to cows milk protein, and more of his reflux meds, but I only collected the reflux meds.

Anyway, he is otherwise doing fine. His neck muscles are stronger than she expected, and he holds his head up well and can turn his head from side to side when lying on his tummy. He is starting to track objects with his eyes, and does lots of "conversing" now which is ever so sweet! I love hearing his voice! :)

I am still spotting from the birth. It's not that unusual for me to still have a trace of lochia at 6 weeks postpartum, but it should be disappearing soon, and I'll be glad! I don't much like that stage! I am suspicious that some sort of hormonal change is going on for me right now. On Wednesday (the day before yesterday), I felt tired and sensitive, and kind of moody. I thought nothing of it, since I'm at full stretch emotionally and physically all the time at the moment, and sleep deprived to boot! ;) I also noticed IBS that day, which I haven't had since I was pregnant. Again, thought nothing much of it. Then the next day, yesterday, I noticed I felt kind of hormonal and weepy and tired, in the same way as the day before. I think I only really took note of it because it was the second day running and I hadn't noticed any feelings like that since the initial few days after the birth with the hormones settling down. Neil and I argued that evening over something sooooo daft, and I put it down to tiredness for us both, but the next morning I thought about it and realised that I was being much more oversensitive and quick to lose my temper than is normal for me, even when just tired. Then yesterday, I went to the loo and what do you know?! EWCM! And not a small amount either. That's the first CM I've had since pregnancy. I generally do not have any after having a baby until my cycles are starting to gear up for coming back, or at least try to (even if they don't succeed at first, lol!). I had felt a bit crampy for the previous few days and it distracted me enough to make me wonder what it was about. When I started getting IBS on Wednesday I thought maybe that's all it had been, but I wasn't convinced because it didn't really feel like it. I haven't ruled out a urine infection but I have no other symptoms of one. Anyway, I'm now on day 2 of EWCM, and have been quite uncomfy on my left side today low down at the front, so I wonder if my body is trying to ovulate. I know that is CRAZY! I am breastfeeding 3 "babies" and just gave birth 6 weeks ago, lol! But my periods seem to be starting again earlier and earlier each time for me now, and the last time I had a period at 8 weeks postpartum, with ovulation too! So it's possible. I kind of hope not, for now! It's perfectly normal to have EWCM in random patches for months without ovulating or having a period, when you're breastfeeding, apparently. But it hasn't been MY norm, so far. We shall see.

Well, I think that is about all I wanted to catch up on for now. I'm sure I have more to waffle about, like how I genuinely felt really wistful and longing when I was driving Elijah to his appointment this morning and playing a worship CD that I listened to every time I drove to an antenatal appointment, and haven't heard since. Ohhhh how I missed being pregnant at that moment! I mean, I generally miss being pregnant and look forward to doing it again, but with the memory trigger of the music, I actually felt such a physical pang! I am going to be just hopeless when my baby-making days are over. I am already praying over it, because I know it will be an adjustment and I want to make it sanely and smoothly! ;) I trust God. He's in control and He knows what is best for me, so if I can rest in that, I should be okay, but I suuuuure will miss it!

It's just past midnight now and Elijah is STILL sleeping (since maybe 8.45pm!) so I need to wake him up for his medication now. I much prefer giving him his dose this way, because he doesn't really wake up. I pick him up and cradle him in my left arm, semi-upright, and then tease his lips with the syringe until he stirs and opens his mouth. His dose is only 0.33mls of nasty bitter liquid (yes, I did taste it), but I still only give him about a quarter of that dose at a time, rubbing his tiny cheeks to rouse him enough to make him swallow each little bit. I don't want him to choke! He takes the whole dose safely that way, and doesn't actually wake up or know he's even taking the yucky stuff, which is much nicer for him. He is such a trooper taking it when he's wide awake and hungry though. He grimaces a little, but calmly takes it all the same, and never tries to avoid it or turn his face away. He doesn't cry about it. He's such a good boy, and I love him so much! Anyway it's nice at night because he takes the dose without knowing, and then I lay him back down once I'm sure he's squidged his mouth about and swallowed a few times, and he generally stays asleep for a while longer before waking as usual for a feed. He feeds maybe every 3-4 hours at night, but one night after his 2nd osteo appointment a week ago, he slept from about midnight (having cried all evening which he usually does - this evening is unusual in that he has slept for most of it!) until 6am!!!! Now, there's no sense getting too excited about him "sleeping through the night" because looking back I see that many of my babies have done just that for One Night Only at the very same age. Then never again until like 18 months old, haha! Anyway it was nice! :)

Okay, off to medicate my darling boy. I will be back soon! I should be making this the last blog entry here for a while, because I like to close up shop here once the official postnatal/newborn period is over, until next time. And I usually go with the postnatal appointments for that marker, and we've done that. But Elijah is having prolonged newborn-ish issues still, and I haven't had my postnatal check yet, and anyway I am having ongoing treatment for pregnancy-related stuff with the physio, sooooo.... maybe I will keep it open a while longer. I also like to come back to keep track of my cycles once they start up again, and if that's going to happen soon anyway... I will not say goodbye for now. I'll come back and update again sometime soon, to keep a record of how Elijah is doing with his treatment. I think I will want that to look back on for future reference maybe. If you're still keeping up, well done, lol! I haven't got many commenters or readers on any of the posts I make here or at my main blog now, but I am much more settled now than I've ever been before with the idea of just blogging for my own memories and future reference stuff, so I am not put off. I like readers and commentors though, of course! ;) I will be back soon!