Today

Thank you SO much for the responses to my entry here yesterday. I am so relieved and grateful for the support, and for how gentle you were in your comments. Thank you!

Today has been different. So exhausting and difficult, emotionally, and physically, but different in a good way. Heather came round today from about 10am - she comes round once a week at the moment for the whole day to tackle my housework and help with the boys. This past week I have seen so much of her (I love this! :) ). Church on Sunday  - oh, I haven't said this at Facebook yet because like 25 people on my friends list are from the church we've been to for 13 years and which we haven't been to for the past year, but we started attending Heather's church (really local to us, and we know several other families there too) in August. We love it. The kids love it, and are happily attending the children's groups (100+ children at this church, and the kids' work is AMAZING. Nathan is in the reception class and currently enjoying it so long as his beloved Rosanna is there with him. She is Heather's teenaged daughter and happily sits with him and helps him with the crafts, etc.). We've been there for maybe 5 weeks, and are now SURE we're staying, so I need to contact my church leaders and just get their blessing on our move, officially. Anyway, yay, church! And YAY, Heather's church! :) The morning service is much much shorter than our old church which is far more suitable for our family, and they have an evening worship service with prayer ministry afterwards, so Neil and I alternate attending the evening meetings on Sundays, WITHOUT children with us - so refreshing to be able to just focus and worship, etc. I take Elijah so he can breastfeed when he wants to, but last time I left him here with Neil and it was fine. I love that when I went for prayer at the end of the service on Sunday evening, Heather was on the ministry team and prayed for me! :)

Anyway, so I saw her twice on Sunday, then on Monday she took Matthew and Nathan to her house for the morning, and returned them at lunchtime, then today she spent the whole day here, and tomorrow she is coming in the morning to watch the boys while I take Elijah for our osteopath appointments - I am getting treatment for my back now, too (so far not making any difference). Elijah is doing great and they don't need to see him very often now. Neil can't work from home tomorrow morning like he usually can when I have to go to the osteopath, and I was going to cancel, but Heather said she would come and cover me! She's wonderful. I know I'm a broken record, but I just love her so much. I keep saying that it seems a bit much to ask of her, but she just replies that I didn't ask, she offered! She always puts me in my place when I say things like that! ;)

So this morning was pretty much worse than yesterday, as far as coping with things went. Heather came round at 10ish and the boys were still in pyjamas (which they've worn more than day clothes for over a week now), little ones were still in night nappies (I know that's AWFUL. Awful.), the house was the most dreadful disaster site, Elijah was crying and cranky but not wanting to feed, and Samuel had just taken his nappy off. These are normal happenings for the most part, but I was dealing with things even less well than usual, and starting to feel like my emotions were giving me some sort of goitre feeling in my neck. I couldn't get to sleep for a good while again last night, just heavy hearted, and Elijah woke twice after that, and then when I got up for the day I didn't get any appetite for breakfast. I just felt queasy, shaky-tired and dizzy. Not the best start!

Heather brought a meal for dinner that she'd organised - she called friends who are good at that sort of thing and organised a rota!!! People I have never even met!!! She didn't realise I was struggling until I mentioned it when asking for prayer on Sunday, and swung this into action since then. So lovely.

Arthur and Matthew were going crazy hyper when she arrived, and wouldn't stop when I asked them to. They were a bit out of character with it really, but it was driving me crazy - they were leaping about wrestling and going nuts with little boys next to them, and not stopping when I told them to. I was sitting right next to Elijah on the floor after changing his nappy, and suddenly Arthur lunged after Matthew, and Matthew stepped right on Elijah's arm! I yelled, "NO!!!", grabbed my baby off the floor to comfort him, and shouted, "YOU STOOD ON ELIJAH!!!" The whole room went silent, and everybody seemed to freeze while I kissed my poor screaming baby and whispered soothing things into his ear. Heather hasn't seen me lose it with my kids before, so I figured I needed to calm down quick - it was just instinctive before, to do what I did. After a few moments, I used a calm voice to tell them that this is what happens when they disobey me, and sent them into different corners of the room for a good long while, until I could calm myself and Elijah down. They did so very meekly!

We got the boys ready for the day and they went out in the garden. Heather started working in the kitchen, and boys started whining at each other outside, and telling tales on each other to me in very annoying tones. The usual, but somehow outside of my scope this morning. Heather helped me eventually, because I couldn't do it. When they went back outside, she said I should go upstairs and feed Elijah, and that I looked like I could do with a break. I just said, "I'm not coping." She said, "Oh, you will later." and I said, "No. I mean every day, I'm not coping." She just said that it was just a blip, and I felt a bit brushed off, so I went upstairs and nursed my little one. When I came down a few minutes later (he didn't really want to feed, and wouldn't go to sleep either), I needed to go out and pick up some medication for Nathan from a chemist, and Heather suggested I take a boy with me. Usually I do this, because it's great for a bit of one-to-one time, but today I said I didn't want to, and that I needed some space. She was wonderful, and said to just GO and have a cup of coffee afterwards and read a book for a while. I so didn't want to. I felt like I would be miserable company for myself, and that I would be pretending to take a break without it being remotely beneficial. I really just wanted to go and cry somewhere.

In the end, I picked up the medicine, bought a couple of food items that we needed, and decided to take myself and a Bible to the cemetery. I haven't been there for ages. I just wanted private space to sit in the car without passers-by looking in the window at me as they went past. The cemetery is private and quiet, scenic and tranquil, and a place where I have let a lot of emotion out before. Being emotional at a cemetery is normal. I suddenly really wanted to go there. I went to Cameron's grave and stroked the petals on his flowers and traced his name on his gravestone with my finger, and said that I was sorry it had been a while since I came. It was so quiet, and the only couple of people were way over the other side of the cemetery. The air smelled woody and lovely from the rain we've had, and I sat down on a rock by the path and cried without having to worry about keeping it the silent or "breathy" type of crying, and wept over my tiny baby who never finished growing, and the other things that were plugging up my heart, and prayed aloud to God for a long time. I read my Bible - Isaiah 40, where verse 11 says:

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.

And verses 28 - 31 say:

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

And those encouraged me so much. And I read Matthew 11:28-30 which says:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Such tender words, and it seemed to be exactly on the mark for me. That's what I need, EXACTLY what I need. I am weary and burdened, that's me exactly! The words that Jesus was speaking - come, I'll give you rest for your soul; come, I'll be gentle with you because I love you. Come and swap your heavy burden for my light, easy one. Reading it broke me into little pieces and I cried and prayed over it for a while.

Then I went home. I put the A/C on blowing on my face all the way home, and didn't look particularly teary when I arrived, thankfully. Heather was doing housework with my very hungry and sad baby in one arm, and the boys were eating the lunch she had made for them, having washed their hands when they came in from the garden! In the afternoon, Heather's daughter came round and I took her and 5 of my boys to the park in the van, while Heather had a chance to really get stuck in on the housework and be available for Elijah, who had started his Big Long Sleep that he has in the afternoons now. He only woke 15 minutes before we got home, and funnily enough that is when I was loading boys into the van at the park and my milk let down! :) Love that! I am pretty well tuned into my babies, and that's wonderful. I missed him! I came home and just snuggled him in my arms and told him I had missed him. The boys were playing in the living room, and Heather was with me in the kitchen, watching and enjoying me loving on my baby. I pointed out his mole - OH! I forgot to say! Elijah (I typed Toby. That's the first time I have done that. :( ) has a little mole at his hairline on his forehead! He's my only child to ever have a mole in babyhood. I love this special fact, because of course identical twins - IF they have a mole - will usually both have that mole (or two, where the other has one) in the same place. Mirror image twins will get the same mole on opposite sides. And, of course, Elijah's mole is on his right side. I call it his "Toby mole" and I kiss it all the time, because I know Toby would have had one in the same place on his left side. It has been there from maybe a few weeks old, but for a good few weeks I thought it was a spot or blemish or something, because it started out a sort of reddish colour, and now it has "browned-up" to look more like a mole or freckle. Yesterday Elijah pooed up to his shoulders and I had to give him a bath. When I got him out and wrapped him in a towel, I held him in front of the bathroom mirror to distract and calm him. Every time I do that, I have to catch my breath for a moment - odd to me that I never learn that I'll feel this way the next time, and just do it again anyway! :/ - because there is my little mirror baby IN the mirror, as he might well have looked if he had made it to my arms. Yesterday I accidentally called him Toby when I was chatting in a sing-song baby voice to him in the mirror to make him smile, and it made me feel really not-nice strange :(

Anyway. So I pointed his Toby mole out to Heather, and explained about the mirror twin thing (I had already told her about the hair-whorl previously). She was holding him then, and lifted him up in the air and said, "Did you have a baby brother? DID you?!" and I suddenly blurted out that I missed him terribly and felt so silly, but that it ached and I didn't expect it to, and surely it should have gone away by now, but it was my biggest heavy-heart issue at the moment. She asked me why on earth I thought it was silly, and told me grief does what grief does, in its own time. She had 3 miscarriages years ago and named her babies, and grieved for them. I told her Toby's name and she said it was lovely. It helped me to talk to her about it a bit, while I scrambled eggs and made toast and stuff for the boys' tea. I couldn't talk about it without my hands shaking and my voice quavering, which I didn't expect either. There's no time for a good cry when several little people are at the kitchen gate, simultaneously saying, "Can I come in to watch? WHY not?! When's it ready? Is it ready yet? WHY not?! Ohhhh, WHEN will it be ready?!" etc. Even Samuel joins in, saying, "Reh-reh??" lol! Heather asked me if I thought counselling would help, and I said I didn't fancy having to go for counselling, yet. again. For another issue in my life. Again. So she asked what I needed. I said I thought I needed to talk and pray. She is going to talk to the lady who leads the ministry team at our church, to arrange for me to have some extended prayer time - more than I would have the opportunity for after a church service. I think that will help me a lot.

I feel queasy exhausted tonight - it feels like the day has just been a marathon both physically (we walked SO far at the park and I had to carry a tired Samuel some of the way!) and emotionally, and I'm done in. Neil phoned from work to say that I should go late night shopping tonight and buy myself something to wear - such a sweet sweet thing to say, and so unexpected! I know he must sense that I am struggling and wants to make me feel better in some way. I ended up feeling too tired out to go out tonight, but I did talk to Neil while dinner was cooking, about everything from today, and about how I have been feeling lately. Without emotion, just matter of fact really. He had no idea I was still struggling with losing Toby. Why do I still feel guilty phrasing it, "losing Toby"?!! I just do, when I type it. I feel wrong, like it's not a big enough loss when there are some really devastating ones out there, really I do. I think if it was someone else grieving in my place then I would have sympathy towards them and feel that they have every reason to grieve and NO reason to feel badly about it, but I can't seem to extend the same to myself, for some odd reason. In my heart, I've lost him. I've LOST him, and it hurts, and I feel like I miss him so much. In writing, or to a listening ear, I feel squeamish about saying those words. I prefer saying vague things like, "to do with Toby" rather than talking of loss, because what do I know of real loss? Urgh, I don't know.

Anyway. Heather said that it doesn't matter a jot if they were the size of an eyelash or whatever, they were still her babies, and she grieved their loss. So I guess that's me as well.

Oh I wish this part could just fast-forward, it's so pointless to be so sad and have no way to speed up the process and get on with life again. What's the point in grieving when it can't change a thing about anything? Can't I just get my feelings out with a bang and then that's it, all better, case closed? What's the point in it dragging on and on, and ebbing and flowing like it does - better one day or even a few days running, dwelling less on thoughts of Toby, and then pulling me under again for no apparent reason. I wish I could just have the option - a switch - so that I could choose to do this for a while, or just NOT, and be done with it. Click.

I have to go to bed. I see Elijah stirring on the video monitor and I need to get ready for bed before he wakes for a feed. Hopefully the physical exertion and emotional outpouring today will mean I don't lie awake at all tonight, and can get some sleep. I do feel better, less pressured inside, than I did yesterday evening, and I'm so glad of that. I will update again soon, and talk about something else sometime as well! Thanks for upholding me, friends. xxx

Cross references:

1. Isaiah 40:1 : Isa 12:1; 49:13; 51:3, 12; 52:9; 57:18; 61:2; 66:13; Jer 31:13; Zep 3:14-17; Zec 1:17; 2Co 1:3
2. Isaiah 40:2 : S Ge 34:3; S Isa 35:4
3. Isaiah 40:2 : S Job 7:1
4. Isaiah 40:2 : Isa 41:11-13; 49:25
5. Isaiah 40:2 : S Lev 26:41
6. Isaiah 40:2 : Isa 51:19; 61:7; Jer 16:18; 17:18; Zec 9:12; Rev 18:6
7. Isaiah 40:3 : S Isa 11:16; 43:19; Mal 3:1
8. Isaiah 40:3 : S Pr 3:5-6
9. Isaiah 40:3 : Mt 3:3*; Mk 1:3*; Jn 1:23*
10. Isaiah 40:4 : Isa 49:11
11. Isaiah 40:4 : S Isa 2:14
12. Isaiah 40:4 : S Ps 26:12; S Isa 26:7; 45:2, 13; Jer 31:9
13. Isaiah 40:5 : S Ex 16:7; S Nu 14:21; S Isa 59:19
14. Isaiah 40:5 : Isa 52:10; 62:2; Lk 2:30; 3:4-6*
15. Isaiah 40:5 : S Isa 1:20; 58:14
16. Isaiah 40:6 : S Ge 6:3; S Isa 29:5
17. Isaiah 40:7 : S Job 8:12; S Isa 15:6
18. Isaiah 40:7 : S Ex 15:10; S Job 41:21
19. Isaiah 40:7 : S Ps 103:16; S Eze 22:21
20. Isaiah 40:8 : S Isa 5:24; Jas 1:10
21. Isaiah 40:8 : Isa 55:11; 59:21
22. Isaiah 40:8 : S Pr 19:21; S Isa 7:7, 9; S Jer 39:16
23. Isaiah 40:8 : S Ps 119:89; S Mt 5:18; 1Pe 1:24-25*
24. Isaiah 40:9 : Isa 41:27; 44:28; 52:7-10; 61:1; Na 1:15; S Ac 13:32; Ro 10:15; 1Co 15:1-4
25. Isaiah 40:9 : S Isa 1:1
26. Isaiah 40:9 : Isa 25:9
27. Isaiah 40:10 : Isa 35:4; 59:20; Mt 21:5; Rev 22:7
28. Isaiah 40:10 : Isa 28:2
29. Isaiah 40:10 : Isa 9:6-7
30. Isaiah 40:10 : S Ps 44:3; S Isa 30:30; S 33:2
31. Isaiah 40:10 : S Isa 35:4; Rev 22:12
32. Isaiah 40:11 : S Ge 48:15; S Ps 28:9; S Mic 5:4; S Jn 10:11
33. Isaiah 40:11 : S Nu 11:12
34. Isaiah 40:11 : S Dt 26:19
35. Isaiah 40:11 : Isa 49:10
36. Isaiah 40:11 : S Ge 33:13; S Dt 30:4
37. Isaiah 40:12 : S Job 12:15; S 38:10
38. Isaiah 40:12 : Pr 30:4
39. Isaiah 40:12 : S Job 38:5; Heb 1:10-12
40. Isaiah 40:12 : S Job 38:18; Pr 16:11
41. Isaiah 40:13 : Isa 11:2; 42:1
42. Isaiah 40:13 : S Job 15:8; Ro 11:34*; 1Co 2:16*
43. Isaiah 40:14 : Job 21:22; Col 2:3
44. Isaiah 40:14 : S Job 12:13; S 34:13; Isa 55:9
45. Isaiah 40:15 : S Ps 62:9
46. Isaiah 40:15 : S Dt 9:21; Isa 2:22
47. Isaiah 40:16 : Isa 33:9; 37:24
48. Isaiah 40:16 : Ps 50:9-11; Mic 6:7; Heb 10:5-9
49. Isaiah 40:17 : Isa 30:28
50. Isaiah 40:17 : S Job 12:19; Isa 29:7
51. Isaiah 40:17 : S Isa 37:19; Da 4:35
52. Isaiah 40:18 : S Ex 8:10; S 1Sa 2:2
53. Isaiah 40:18 : S Dt 4:15; Ac 17:29
54. Isaiah 40:19 : S Ex 20:4; Ps 115:4; S Isa 37:19; 42:17; Jer 2:8, 28; 10:8; 16:19; Hab 2:18; Zec 10:2
55. Isaiah 40:19 : Isa 41:7; 46:6; Jer 10:3
56. Isaiah 40:19 : Isa 2:20; 31:7
57. Isaiah 40:20 : Isa 44:19
58. Isaiah 40:20 : S 1Sa 12:21
59. Isaiah 40:20 : S 1Sa 5:3
60. Isaiah 40:21 : ver 28; 2Ki 19:25; Isa 41:22; 42:9; 44:8; 48:3, 5
61. Isaiah 40:21 : Ps 19:1; 50:6; Ac 14:17
62. Isaiah 40:21 : S Ge 1:1
63. Isaiah 40:21 : Ro 1:19
64. Isaiah 40:21 : Isa 48:13; 51:13
65. Isaiah 40:22 : S 2Ch 6:18; S Ps 2:4
66. Isaiah 40:22 : S Nu 13:33
67. Isaiah 40:22 : S Ge 1:1; S Isa 48:13
68. Isaiah 40:22 : S Ge 1:8; S Job 22:14
69. Isaiah 40:22 : S Job 36:29
70. Isaiah 40:22 : S Job 26:7
71. Isaiah 40:23 : S Job 12:18; S Isa 34:12
72. Isaiah 40:23 : S Job 12:19; Am 2:3
73. Isaiah 40:24 : S Job 5:3
74. Isaiah 40:24 : S 2Sa 22:16; S Isa 11:4; 41:16
75. Isaiah 40:24 : S Job 8:12; S 18:16
76. Isaiah 40:24 : S Job 24:24; S Isa 41:2
77. Isaiah 40:25 : S 1Sa 2:2; S 1Ch 16:25
78. Isaiah 40:25 : Isa 1:4; 37:23
79. Isaiah 40:26 : Isa 51:6
80. Isaiah 40:26 : ver 28; Ps 89:11-13; Isa 42:5; 66:2
81. Isaiah 40:26 : S 2Ki 17:16; S Ne 9:6; S Job 38:32
82. Isaiah 40:26 : S Job 9:4; S Isa 45:24; Eph 1:19
83. Isaiah 40:26 : S Isa 34:16
84. Isaiah 40:27 : S Job 6:29; S 27:2; Lk 18:7-8
85. Isaiah 40:28 : S ver 21
86. Isaiah 40:28 : S Dt 33:27; S Ps 90:2
87. Isaiah 40:28 : S ver 26
88. Isaiah 40:28 : S Isa 37:16
89. Isaiah 40:28 : Isa 44:12
90. Isaiah 40:28 : S Ps 147:5; Ro 11:33
91. Isaiah 40:29 : S Ge 18:14; S Ps 68:35; S 119:28
92. Isaiah 40:29 : Isa 50:4; 57:19; Jer 31:25
93. Isaiah 40:30 : Isa 9:17; Jer 6:11; 9:21
94. Isaiah 40:30 : S Ps 20:8; Isa 5:27
95. Isaiah 40:31 : S Ps 37:9; 40:1; S Isa 30:18; Lk 18:1
96. Isaiah 40:31 : S 1Sa 2:4; S 2Ki 6:33; S 2Co 4:16
97. Isaiah 40:31 : S Ex 19:4
98. Isaiah 40:31 : 2Co 4:1; Heb 12:1-3

 

Just not coping too well...

... and I'm not sure why. I'm writing it here in case it is hormone related somehow. And because it feels a little more sheltered and intimate here. I have intentionally NOT written about it for several weeks. Well, I did make reference (for myself) with an untitled post a couple of weeks ago, and nothing in it. I opened the box wanting to write all my feelings but when it came to staring at the white box it just felt like too much effort. I had got that far a couple of times before, and then done nothing about it. But I just wanted to make a personal reference for myself, so I left an empty entry.

I do not know what is going on with me lately. I feel overwhelmed with life. We sold our house a couple of weeks ago and we are looking for somewhere to move to. I want to stay local. I'm a "roots" girl, and moving within the same ROAD would stress me out. I have lived in this town since I was a baby. That's a big deal, so it could make things seem overwhelming, but I'm not so sure that it's that.

The kids are overwhelming right now. I am trying to do school, albeit much more relaxed without too much structure right now (which suits all of us well at the moment, and I'm so thankful for the freedom that homeschooling gives us to do that!) and that is hard work. Sometimes it's easy and a joy, and I wonder what on earth could have made it seem such a huge mountain to climb before! The boys are in need of more space now that they are growing bigger, and I'm glad we've sold our home so that we are well on the way to making that happen for them. They are out in the (tiny) garden again too which helps. But meanwhile they're hard to handle at home. And next to impossible to take out all together. And it's only me, so I can't take some and not others. Sometimes Heather helps - oh she is so wonderful. I don't know how I would ever be coping at ALL without her right now, and I am completely serious about that. She takes a couple of boys to her house and they do school-ish activities for the morning on occasion. She takes a couple on a day trip to a museum. She takes some to the swings, or I do while she stays home with some others. She makes life manageable, but I'm afraid of being too dependent, and what that says about me.

I wonder what I was thinking, having so many children so close together, when life seems impossible. Heather reminds me that I was obeying my God, and that he will bless and reward me, and I know she's right. It doesn't change the "moment" though, at the time.

My children are 7, 6, 4, 3, 21 months, and 4 months (tomorrow! Can you believe it?!). That is a lot of little boys in 7 years! ;) Of COURSE life is hard, there might not even BE a harder parenting season than having 6 aged 7 and under. "They" say it gets easier as the older ones get older, even if more babies come along at the same time.

Money is tight right now. That's nothing new, but it's the way it is. I don't think that's really it either.

I am not sure what I am doing (again!) with parenting. Seeeeeriously not sure what I'm doing. I know all parents say that, but really really, people. This mama has no clue, and cannot wing it with this many kidlets. I am finding this aspect very overwhelming right now.

We've had a bad cold lately, and the boys are all snotty-but-drying-up and coughing. Not a big deal, except that it disrupted school a little bit for a day or two. Neil caught it at work, and it gave him a migraine, which coincided with a weekend, and thus he was in bed all weekend. I forget (take for granted, I guess - not good!) how much I need the weekends to recharge and have another parent around, and just for a change of pace. And the lie-ins! ;) I need those badly. Elijah still wakes quite a bit at night.

Elijah has had the cold the worst, and for a few nights running I got maybe 90 minutes of sleep broken up each night. Poor baby had a fever and couldn't breathe well, and just was MISERABLE. It's hard to cope well (even if I had been coping well to start with, which, um, I wasn't) on very little sleep. I haven't caught up with my sleep since he's been sleeping a bit better. He is currently going to bed at bedtime (7.30pm or so), napping 30 minutes instead of sleeping all evening like he was before the cold, and being awake and alert until like 11pm or later. He wants holding a lot of that time, because he's tired, and he gets really fussy and screechy, but can't seem to drop off or stay asleep. So that's tiring, and Neil helps a LOT. But then I go to bed late evening once he's settled, and lately I am having trouble falling asleep.

I don't know. My heart is just heavy. It keeps me awake. Heavy, achy heart. Lots of things about life being "full-on" right now, but there's a blanket of ache over everything. Not super thick and hard to permeate, because it isn't like that. I can carry on and I'm not debilitated (sp?), but there's a nagging ache in the background, no matter the time of day or night, and no matter what is going on at the time, any time.

I do wonder about hormones, though I think they're not a major part of things. The ONLY thing that makes me wonder about them is the fact that for the last 3 days I have really found it almost unbearable to tandem nurse Benjamin and Samuel together. When they are both latched on, and my milk lets down, I physically feel like pulling my own skin off. It's a horrid crawly feeling and deeply instinctive, so I guess it has hormonal roots. I have no idea where I am in my cycle, because I haven't been temping, and haven't noticed EWCM or anything since my last period, which I forgot to chart and which was super light. I think it was the first week of Sept - the day I decided to take all 6 boys to the pick-your-own farm on a very hot day by myself, lol! ;)

The main reason for the heavy thing is Toby. I feel daft, to the point of not wanting to tell anyone really, even Neil. But I ache, and I didn't expect to. I feel shame-faced being public about that feeling, because I personally know friends who have recently experienced dreadful losses, and this is just almost silly in comparison. But I ache.

Oh I'm trying to type this while I make macaroni cheese sauce, which is done now and the thing needs assembling, but Elijah just woke up and is crying and while he did that, Neil phoned to say he might have to stay late until like the middle of the night. Urrrrrgh. See, overwhelming. Any hour contains this kind of thing, and I sort of want to get off the ride for a minute and let everything stop spinning. All I know is that I need to close out other influences and focus in on God right now, more than ever. I need him so badly. Okay I have to go. But I'll try to update again soon. This is the only opportunity I ever get to "talk" - absolutely zero real life sources right now, and I'm going slightly crazy over it. Too much pressured up in my heart. I will be back soon.

Toby

Further to my last post here, this is just a p.s. I suppose, that I wanted to write before time passes and it never gets done. It's late and I should be sleeping, but I'm still pondering... I'm not wasting my time, I promise. This has been kind of deep within me for a long time now. I felt so silly about it, like people would think me daft if I admitted it. I DO think Elijah had a twin. I thought it at the time when it was suspected at the first scan. I have thought about it since, even knowing that by then, there wasn't a twin there. I STILL think about it, not wistfully like I wish it could be, but just because it's a fact of the matter, deep down - you know? I can't explain it any better.

Because I didn't get bashed for the idea when I finally wrote about it (!!), I feel safer admitting the next bit - that he has a name. Identical twins are obviously the same gender, so I know the little lefty-bean was a boy, and how blessed I am to know exactly what he would have looked like! :) Happy closure comes, for me, with naming him. I don't have to try to name him, because I knew immediately when I first thought that he existed, what his name would be. He isn't. Well, he WAS, but he isn't here now, and maybe some might think he might as well not be named because he "barely" existed (if there's even evidence enough to support that). But I feel so so so sure, I can't explain. I'm glad that somebody professional questioned at the scan - that even they thought they saw a second baby and a second heartbeat. I'm glad I have visible evidence of Elijah's hair whorl to really give weight to that original suspicion.

I know I said last entry at one point, "What would his name have been?" or something like that. But I knew his name. I don't know why I even put that. I guess I felt nervous.

His name is Toby David. Because... I don't even know why his name is Toby. I just knew, when I first said out loud, "Elijah and..." Toby just fell into place in that sentence without even a second's delay, and I was certain of his name immediately. I had no idea of its meaning. I wanted David next to it because I knew it had something to do with love, as a meaning, and I liked that.

Well just now, I looked them up.

Toby - from the Hebrew "Tobias" - "God is good".
David - Hebrew - "Beloved".

My heart is just about overflowing now that I've seen those meanings - how perfect! God is good ALL the time, no matter how it feels or seems. He's always good. He was good in allowing Toby to die, in order to keep Elijah safe, if that is how it happened. Toby is an example to me of how God is good, plain as day, simple fact. And beloved is so wonderful, so perfect to have in his name. Because obviously, he's completely beloved, and I'm glad to name him with that description of my heart for him.

That's all really. I feel really good to give him a name and actually tell someone. I don't think I will refer to him often. I still somehow feel a bit daft calling him by name and referring to him as a person, because MAYBE he didn't even exist after all? But I am sure he did. That's all I can say. I love how the names Elijah and Toby sound together, and I would love to be referring to them together on a daily basis now, but I am content with my GOOD God's plan, and my happy place in it. :)

Ponderings without much point to them...

Since Elijah was born, I've just occasionally had my mind drawn to something, and now it's on my mind again so I thought I would blog about it. It's likely NOTHING at all but it's distracting me so I want to get it "out there" and then I'm done.

Elijah has such a sweet little head of hair! He has the least hair of any of my newborns, and hasn't yet got to the stage where he's losing it yet - soon though, if memory serves. Very soon. He is 12 weeks old now, and around now is when their hair usually starts to come out. Maybe a month later is when the new "real" hair starts growing in. My hair starts falling out like crazy at the same time (which I really really dislike!) so I know that is coming soon for me too.

He does HAVE hair though, even though he's the least hairy so far! ;) He has very little on top, but more of the usual amount (for my babies) on the back and sides. He has what I have affectionately referred to as a sweet little twizzle-top! :) His hair at the back grows in one direction while the hair on his crown, right on top at the back, grows the other way entirely, lol! It makes his little bit of hair at the back on top look like it's a little criss-crossing tuft of fluff! Melts my heart :) It's more fluffy and gorgeous when it has just been washed.

Elijah's hair whorl - the circular pattern on the back/top of the head - is different from all the other boys. They all have a hair whorl in the centre of their heads, which is the usual for human beings in general. I know they can vary. Matthew's is off-centre, slightly to the left. The others are all dead-centre. I did some reading on this the other day when I was pondering about it again. I know people have babies who have a right-sided hair whorl, or a left-sided hair whorl, but it's not very common, and it most commonly seems to occur in mirror twins, especially if the other members of the family and other siblings have central whorls. Mirror twins account for 25% of identical twins. They are the ones who have separated the latest. Any later and they would be conjoined twins. They are already developing their left and right sides when they separate, so the two identicals are mirrored in terms of left and right. They have hair whorls on opposite sides of the head, rather than central, and one is right-handed, and the other left-handed, and their dental developments are mirrored, etc, etc.

Elijah's hair whorl is SO far over the right side of his head, if I take a photo of the back of his head it's barely in the photo! Going to make for some interesting practice for me when it's time to cut his hair! ;)

But I wonder... I remember the scan at 6 weeks when the sonographer thought she could see another little blobby baby behind the first one, and another heartbeat. But there was so little room and he was so tiny that it was hard to be sure. I could see what she was seeing, even before she said it to me. She had me come back at 8 weeks for another scan to double check, and when I had that scan there was no sign of any other babies or heart beats, so that was that. It didn't mean there HADN'T been another little one there at six weeks, just that by 8 weeks, there wasn't. Not uncommon, I'm told, with twin conceptions, as many are unknown due to one twin not making it very early on.

Now I wonder all over again, because Elijah has such a strong one-sided hair whorl when it isn't a family trait in our family, and all his siblings do not. If there was another baby in there, they would definitely have been mirror-twins, because I noticed at the time (I blogged about all this at the time, actually) that there was no separating membrane, so they would either have been mirror twins or conjoined twins (and they weren't conjoined I presume, because one of them is here!). If they separate late enough to be mirror or conjoined twins, they share not only a placenta and a sac, but an inner sac as well. I was worried at the time, as I said here, because they would have been mono-mono twins. That would have given quite a high percentage chance of both twins dying too early to be saved - such a risky type of twinning.

I wonder if I really was expecting twins early on, and if so, just as the possible evidence at the first scan suggested, Elijah is the surviving twin from the right side? Pointless ponderings, hence the title, but I keep thinking... I don't mean to, but I just somehow do. In a way I feel sad, like a little reminder whenever I see the back of my sweet boy's head:



...Because what if there was the potential for the most adorable view of a little pair of mirror whorls side-by-side on my lap? What if there was a precious little person with the missing left-sided whorl to match Elijah's exactly, who would turn out to be left-handed, and get the opposite tooth to the first one Elijah gets, within days of his brother? What if there were seven instead of six? What would his name have been? How in the wide world would I have coped with twins?!! ;)

But then I am grateful. And I don't mean just three words on a page, "I am grateful". I am stripped to the core, raw, clutching my heart with emotion GRATEFUL. Because I feel that if I did have mono-mono twins in there, and God allowed one of them to die early, it would have been to save me the heartbreak of progressing further in my pregnancy and then losing them both due to the risks of mono-mono, just before viable gestational age. I can't fathom. I think if I was actually pregnant with twins like we had wondered at the time of the first scan, then if my little left-sided darling had not died, I would not have Elijah here with me now. I would be none the wiser as to his right-sided whorl of dark  newborn hair, or his resemblence to Nathan, or his precious smile. It has been quite an exhausting first few months so far with Elijah, because of his distress and things. But I haven't had impatience with him, which is so different to how I felt whenever my first two babies were distressed for hours or wakeful, or fussy. No impatience. Just so grateful that he's here, and a weird sense of gratitude that sometimes feels just so SILLY that I am reluctant to admit it here, because what if I wasn't pregnant with twins in the first place?! ;) But a sense of gratitude towards the little left-hand bean for the laying down of his life, because it might be the reason that Elijah made it into my arms.

I do think about "what if?" and about my "other" little boy, who may not even have been - I will never know here on earth - but he really really might have been, and so of course I think about him, because if he WAS, then he was his own person with a heartbeat, created intentionally, and waiting to meet me and Neil and all of his brothers one day after we die. I feel silly when I don't KNOW if he was really there, but since there's no proof that he wasn't, and there's evidence that he was, I will probably think of him every single time I lay eyes on Elijah's hair whorl for the rest of his life. To me, it's the only physical reference to his existance, and it makes me smile and ache at the same time, but it's overall a good feeling.

So grateful for this baby boy who gives me so much joy, and so glad that, for whatever reason, God has enabled me to hold him and love him and raise him.