Benjamin's Ultrasound Gallery!

My ultrasound scan pictures during my fourth pregnancy.

This is Babydot at 6 weeks and 3 days. Babydot is the little grey blobby peanut at the bottom of the black gestational sac, and the yolk sac is the little grey blobby thing above Babydot in there. Babydot measured right on for dates, and I saw the heart beating so clearly! You can just make out a tiny white-ish dot in the middle of Babydot, which is part of the heart in mid-pulsate :)

Here is sweet Babydot at 12 weeks and 5 days, at the nuchal scan! We got such a clear picture, I'm so pleased! It's the first time we've got a really clear view of the "angle of the dangle" with the genital nub there (it's the little bright white protrusion alongside Babydot's leg, sticking up!). It's an absolutely 100% totally classic BOY nub, seriously. Girl nubs are angled at less than 30 degrees from the spine, and most will lie actually parallel to the spine! Babydot is a BOY, but we'll wait for the big scan to be totally sure! ;) "He" was the most incredibly laid-back little baby person in there - see how he's using the placenta as a pillow?!

These two scan pictures are from the 20 week scan, where we found out for sure that Babydot is indeed a boy! :) We don't have a name for him yet though, unlike other pregnancies at this stage! He was laid-back still, but pretty wiggly. He had his little hand up for these pictures, and with the weird angle of the picture, you can see his little boy bits sticking out of his pelvis in the picture where his hand is clearly visible by his forehead! He has Nathan's sticky-outy top lip. I am completely besotted and can't wait to meet him!

Benjamin's Belly Gallery!

My belly pictures for my fourth pregnancy, Benjamin, who was born on July 9th 2009.

I missed my usual 5 week belly picture this time. We travelled to France that day and then I started bleeding, so never caught up with it, unfortunately!

10 weeks pregnant

15 weeks pregnant (missed 14, sadly!)

16 weeks pregnant (on track at last, hoorah!)

20 weeks pregnant

22 weeks pregnant

24 weeks pregnant

26 (and a half!) weeks pregnant

28 weeks pregnant

30 weeks pregnant

32 weeks pregnant

I missed 34 weeks!! :(

36 weeks pregnant

39 weeks pregnant (I missed 38 weeks)

40 weeks pregnant - taken on my due date! This was taken last thing before bed, and Benjamin was born the very next day! It's so surreal to think that he was in my arms less than 24 hours after taking this photo - I had no signs of labour starting at all!

15 days old already!

Nathan is two weeks old! I am writing this one-handed, as he is in my other arm, breastfeeding. It's slooooow for me to type one-handed, and once he's finished nursing I will stop to burp him (this can take AGES!) and it's already 11.45pm so basically this needs to be a quick entry.

I got my new camera! Hooray! I have taken fifty thousand photos with it but still haven't uploaded the software onto the computer, so I can't share the photos yet. I must get around to that! There seems to be no time to do anything at ALL these days!

Okay, he's off the breast and he burped IMMEDIATELY! So now he is back on Neil's chest while he watches something-or-other on TV :)

Still want to make this a quick-ish entry (though that never normally pans out!) because I don't want to be up crazy late. Going to bed takes HOURS these days, seriously. I start going to bed, and in the process Nathan wakes and nurses, and then needs burping, and a nappy change, and then needs to nurse on the other side, and be burped again. And then I try to put him down to finish getting ready for bed, but he cries and fusses (and often wakes a small boy). Somehow the whole process takes hours. If I start "going to bed" around midnight, for example, I am actually going to sleep somewhere around 3.30am. Not kidding. I'm so tired! But, indescribably thankful that Neil is out of work right now! Because after the boys are all up in the morning and Nathan has nursed again and been changed, etc, and I've eaten breakfast, I can go back to bed with Nathan upstairs for as long as he'll let me sleep, to catch up a bit.

Sleep is going pretty badly. Nathan still won't sleep much anywhere except on me. I got so anxious about it, but in the end the need for sleep won out and I just put him on my tummy and covered us with a sheet and 2 blankets and we slept fine. After a couple more days/nights, Nathan was getting more mobile in his sleep. He stretches and stuff, and ends up in a slightly different position from his stretching, but still asleep. One morning I woke to odd little skwawking sounds, and looked down and saw Nathan's legs and bottom still on my tummy, but his head hanging right over the side of me to the mattress!! It scared me silly! The next time we slept like that it happened again, and the next time. After that, I told Neil I couldn't risk sleeping with him on me anymore.

So the next night we got NO sleep till 4am, either of us, because we were back to square one with Nathan not sleeping for any length of time unless he was on one of us. Neil eventually sat up with Nathan on his front and slept that way till the boys woke at 6.30am. Nathan didn't fall off him - Neil's arms were propped well and he held onto Nathan while he slept.

Matthew and Arthur are being disturbed by Nathan more than ever now, at night. I don't know why! I thought they would get MORE used to it with each passing night, not less so. It's difficult. Matthew cries and cries and is so distressed when he wakes at night, for some reason. He won't go back to sleep without one of us in his sight, and gets hysterical about it (for a LONG time) otherwise. So in the end we decided I would move downstairs with Nathan, until we reach the stage where we can move the older boys into a shared bedroom (not till a couple of months after Nathan arrived). That way, Matthew is less disturbed as we're further away. Arthur is less disturbed too, as we're not in his room. Neil gets to sleep on the bed next to Arthur where they're both used to being, and another bonus for him is that he doesn't have to sleep on the floor any more! Poor guy!

I sleep on the sofa with the Moses basket right up next to me on its stand (though I just put the basket on the floor last night next to the sofa, not on the stand). Then I can have some low light on (in the kitchen, so it shines through but we are still in an unlit room as such), to see him and get him latched on the breast easily, etc. I can do his nappy changes in the kitchen which is the furthest away from the sleeping boys upstairs (Nathan cries LOUDLY when having a nappy change!), and also the nappies are kept in the kitchen above the tumble dryer, so it's straightforward.

The first night it worked really well. I put him down in his Moses basket every time he'd nursed fully, and then I'd been holding him for at least 10 minutes FAST asleep. Once I put him down after that, he stayed asleep for the next couple of hours till he woke for a feed again. I was so encouraged!

But that was it. The next night he slept the first block okay, and woke up around 4am to feed, and that was it. He didn't stay asleep when back in the Moses basket after that, so I didn't get any more sleep that night. Last night he wouldn't go down in the basket at all. Even if he was FAST asleep, he would stir and fuss straight away when I put him down. I know he CAN sleep well in there on his back, he just doesn't want to at the moment for some reason. Anyway, so by 3.30am last night I was too tired to do it any longer, and I knew he could keep it up ALL night if he needed to! So I lay down slightly propped up on the sofa, put cushions under my arms so that my arms were like raised "walls" either side of my body, and lay Nathan on my tummy as before. That way he couldn't roll off or get his face in bedlinen or a cushion or something. He slept till 5.30 and then woke fussing, so I picked him up to nurse him, but he settled right down again, so I put him back on my tummy and went back to sleep till the boys came down at 6.50am! Yay! He really does sleep great on me.

I just love him so much! Slightly random sentence, but it just suddenly occurred to me with force, just like that :) His little face and features are becoming so familiar to me already, like it's a face I've always known somehow. I cherish his differences from his brothers. I always used to think it would be so cute to have children that looked very similar, like peas in a pod. I still think that's cute! :) But I love my children as individuals so I particularly love the things that make them different from each other, that make each of them unique. Equally, I LOVE seeing the features that are identical to one of the others - it just makes my heart melt to see Nathan scrunch his little face up and think, "Wow, he looked JUST like Arthur/Matthew when he was a tiny baby!"

Nathan has had a slightly goopy right eye for a day or two. I have been squirting breastmilk in it :) That will fix it, I hope. Breastmilk is amazing stuff! Today the right eye is much better than yesterday, but the left eye is juuuust starting to be goopy too. I squirted milk in it this evening so hopefully it won't get really yucky before it gets better. My aim is rather poor though! ;) It takes me a few squirts before I get one in his eye! He doesn't mind at all, and doesn't even flinch when he gets milk shot in his eye! It's a very fine soft spray though, and it's gentle stuff. He does end up with that fine spray all up his forehead and over his nose and cheeks in the process though, haha!

Oh, oh, guess what?!!! We found the baby clothes!!!! Yaaaaay! We sat down and prayed, and then Neil went up in the loft and found them within the hour! Thank you Lord! They were in a box labelled "clothes age 4-5" *sigh*

Anyway now we have a huuuuge overabundance of teeny tiny clothes, and I'm so so happy to see all the clothes I bought when broody and childless a few years back, and which my other babies didn't even fit in because they were over 7.5lbs (which is what the tiny/early baby clothing goes up to!). Nathan fits it ALL soooo well! I'm actually worried that he won't have time to wear all the cute little outfits before he outgrows them! Thankfully he pees or pukes on an outfit a couple of times a day, so we're getting through the cute outfits after all ;) He still has more than 50% of them to wear for the first time yet though!

Thank you Jemma for being ready to send more baby clothes! I am pretty sure we won't need them now, as we have so many now we've found the box! Nathan has outgrown a couple of the very tiny things he wore at first, so he must be growing a little bit. He's getting longer in the body I think, as the popper vests aren't quite doing up on the early baby size now. He is wearing newborn popper vests, but still the early baby sleepsuits (except the Tesco ones we bought for him when he was born and used in the hospital. Either he has grown or they have shrunk a bit in the wash). I have something like 20 tiny (and oh-so-cute!) sleepsuits and maybe 15 vests, so even if we're behind with the laundry (not hard to do these days!), there is still plenty for him to wear. Yay! I'm so pleased!!

He's wearing all sorts of nappies, except for disposables. Neil keeps suggesting to just put him in a disposable when it comes time to change him, but I refuse to let him, haha! He still has that sore bottom, but it seems better today than it was. I use that as my excuse! But really I just want him to be in cloth nappies. I love them, they are so cute! And better for his bottom :) At the moment the other boys are wearing disposables quite a lot - I don't like it! It's SO much easier, but I don't like it. I pretty much refuse to let Nathan's new little bottom sit in paper and plastic though. He is wearing XS Fuzzis (still rather large on him!), size 0 Kissaluvs, lots of newborn homemade nappies (he fits the Honeyboys really well), and right now he's in his first size 0 Tots Bot! He is wearing mostly newborn Proraps and newborn Bummis Super Whisper Wraps. If we have lots of them waiting to be washed, he'll wear a size small BSWW but they are too big on him really.

I'm doing okay. My bleeding is fairly light now, and brown, not pink or red any more. I can't WAIT till that part is ALL GONE! I always hate the messy after-bit. Yuck! This time I haven't got round to using my cloth pads at all. There's so much we never got round to doing or preparing because we weren't ready for him to arrive so soon! Next time I will be better prepared, even though it's unlikely to happen again this early.

The boys (Arthur and Matthew) are being incredibly difficult to handle at the moment still - Arthur especially. He is having some difficulty adjusting. He is feeling threatened, I think, as far as his "place" in the family goes. His behaviour is so aggressive and manic most of the time. He is so sensitive and highly strung and goes out of his way to do the opposite of what we're asking, and screams like crazy over the tiniest thing, like "It's time to change your nappy/put your bib on/get ready for bed." He runs away screaming and makes a HUGE fuss about doing anything we ask him to. His behaviour is driving. me. crazy. I'm so glad Neil's at home doing a lot with the boys, because I do not know how I'd manage it otherwise. I mean, I think I would lose my temper and be too rough with him a lot. I just seem to have a very short fuse at the moment, and he is being absolutely horrible to be with a lot of the time, going out of his way to disobey, or destroy something, or hurt somebody, and then laughing or singing mocking songs while I'm trying to explain why he mustn't do such-and-such, or discipline him for something. I can't BEAR the laughing/mocking thing, it makes me want to explode! Urgh.

Anyway. I am trying to encourage him to talk about how he's feeling about things at bedtime, when we have some good alone time together and he's in a more wound-down state. The other night I prayed aloud with him (like I do every night), and prayed that God would help him feel happy and secure, and that he wouldn't find it so difficult to have Nathan in the family, etc. He listened quietly while I prayed and looked sad afterwards. I asked him if there were things worrying him, and he said yes, several things!

The things were a bit non-sensical though, so I wondered at first if he was making them up. But I listened and sympathised, and talked with him about the way he was feeling and hugged and kissed him a lot, etc. He said the first thing was, "What if Nathan and Matthew and Daddy laugh at me?" I told him that he was Nathan and Matthew's BIG brother and they would think he's wonderful, and not laugh at him. And Daddy would never laugh at him because he loves Arthur as much as Mummy does, and we love him too much to ever want to laugh at him.

Then the next thing was that "some people say I look like a high wire" (very sad face after this was revealed). After much talking, this turns out to be something he overheard - I don't even know who it was saying it. He overheard somebody saying to Neil or I that Arthur is a real live wire (or something like that) - you know how it would sound, sort of with the rolling eyes and the "oh my gosh you've got your hands full!" tone. He knew it meant that the person thought he was making life hard for Mummy and Daddy because he was a "high wire" as he calls it, and he didn't know what it meant but he felt that it was a bad thing to be, poor little love.

I explained to him that being a "live wire" meant that he had lots of energy, that's all, that he was lively and busy and energetic, and that it was NOT a bad thing at all. He just shook his head and looked sad :( I explained that an energetic little boy might mean that his mummy and daddy had to run around after him a bit more, and maybe that might make them a bit tired! But not a BAD thing! I told him that I love his energy and liveliness!

Then he said, "Mummy, there are two more things worrying me..." and told me that some people said he looked like a painting (??) and the other one was that some people called him "dirty mud". I didn't know what to make of those - maybe he was making them up by then?! But I went with it and hugged him and said how that must have made him feel sad, and sometimes people say mean things, and we KNOW they're not true because he isn't dirty OR muddy! So it's best to try to ignore people who say mean things. *sigh* Poor baby. Right after that I sang to him and patted his back and told him to think of all his favourite happy things. He then said, "Mummy, those were all the things from my bad dreams." Ah-HA! So he has been dreaming about people calling him mean things and his brothers and his daddy laughing at him, and worrying about what somebody said about him being hard work for his mummy and daddy. Poor Arthur. That definitely tells me he feels threatened and unsure about things right now. I need to help him with that, but I feel clueless as to how! Advice, anyone? I should have written all this at my other diary as it's not really pregnancy/baby related, but hey ho. Maybe I'll copy and paste this part in there, in case there are people reading there but not here, who might be able to give some advice?

Anyway. I am not sure how to parent my kids right now. It's all new, the issues and challenges, and I have no CLUE what I'm doing! And no arms free or energy or time for anything at all, quite apart from that.

My Coorie sling arrived in the post and it's beautiful! I love it! I have worn Nathan in it 3 times so far around the house, and it's fine, but I'm not sure if I'm wearing it quite right. I'm doing what the instructions say, and it does seem to be the right size too, but somehow Nathan seems kind of squished up wrong in there, in the cradle position, or there isn't enough of the fabric up behind his head to support it if he's in the tummy-to-tummy position (upright). And the sling seems to slide after a while so that he's no longer centred on my front (or rather, the sling isn't centred any more), and it slips off my shoulder a little. I wore him for the longest time so far today, only about 45 minutes, and he slept soundly the whole time (though noisily as his chin was squashed onto his chest making him snortle a bit!), but it seemed to slide a bit (shoulder) and after about 30 minutes my back was aching a little. So hmmm. I guess I can't be wearing him quite right, but I can't see what I'm doing wrong, if anything. I don't seem to get on very well with slings! I WAS able to put the lamb casserole on to thaw/cook, switch the laundry from the washing machine to the tumble dryer, and look online for a little while, all with Nathan in the sling! If it works, it makes life so much easier! If only my back didn't ache with every sling I try. And Nathan's so tiny and light so far too! I even needed to go to the loo, and managed to do that with Nathan in the sling! :)

Okay it's really late now and Nathan has nursed again on the other side, burped, and is now sucking Neil's little finger. He really seems to need to suck, beyond when he's filled his tummy (he's started possetting tons of milk after he's full now, the very day that I told the health visitor and Neil (and this diary??) that he ISN'T the possetty type, haha! That very evening he brought up huge swathes of milk after a big feed! My milk supply is up in response to his first growth-spurt marathon. The let-down is more forceful since a couple of days after that, and he is getting a fuller tummy too.

All three of my boys have had a huge need to suck. The doctor told me (when Arthur was tiny) that one in three babies will NEED to suck for comfort, rather than just enjoying sucking for comfort. Otherwise they'll get distressed and root and so on, for many hours if needed! Arthur sucked our fingers for hours at a time, for months on end till he seemed to outgrow the need for it so much. Then Matthew was the same way! We had a little one to attend to as well as a tiny baby, so he couldn't suck our fingers around the clock so easily. We used a dummy for Matthew and that soothed him wonderfully. He gave them up himself by around 6 months old. We didn't have to wean him off them at all.

Now Nathan shows signs that he NEEDS to suck too. So much for one-in-three babies! THREE-in-three, in our case! I think we'll go the dummy route with Nathan too, but he is so tiny still, I'm not sure if the dummies would gag him with his tiny mouth and palate. We have two in the cupboard that are still in their packaging, left over from Matthew's time, so we can use those when we get around to it. If they soothe him and he'll take them, it will make things a lot easier, as he'll be happier for us to put him down (I hope!) to attend to one of the other boys or get something done, and we'll also be more hands-free in the evenings if he isn't sucking our fingers to soothe himself to sleep.

Oh! I almost forgot (how could I?!)! Today I won a CAR at eBay!!!! A car!!! I can't believe we bought a car at eBay, it seems such a craaaazy thing to have done, lol! We can't go anywhere as a family at the moment. We have a Ford Mondeo and it only fits two toddler car seats in it, with no room for another. So no room for Nathan. We had always intended to sell the Ford in January and buy a bigger car (an MPV - we basically need a 7-seater vehicle, especially if we're going to have another baby before we're "done") with whatever money we got for the Ford. We knew it might mean we could only afford a VERY second-hand MPV right now, but we were prepared to accept that. We just need a car big enough to seat us all (preferably with luggage space for the pushchairs), even if it's old and flagging! We can't afford anything outside of what we get for the Ford anyway, as we have NO other money or income right now.

So of course Nathan came before we got around to that! We really want to go to church! But we can't go anywhere as a family at all. Neil continues to take the older boys to the park, shops, etc, every day in the Ford, and I haven't wanted to go out in the first couple of weeks postpartum anyway, so it hasn't mattered. But we're really missing church now, and want to take our tiny boy out and show him off a bit! It would be nice to be ABLE to go out, all of us together as well, in our car.

So we were just looking on eBay for an idea of what things were selling for. And somehow ended up bidding on a Chrysler Grand Voyager! It's old (1998) but the milage isn't awful, and it's in great condition with recent new parts and nobody has ever smoked in it (important to me!). It's a vile colour inside and out, but oh well! We did our research and found that the Voyager has the best luggage space at the back out of all the MPVs. And captain's chairs. So we have four seats that can take infant or toddler car seats, and another seat with just a lap belt in the back row. That will suit us well! I hope it lasts on us!

We are pretty sure from our research that we can get £3000 plus for our Ford, and that's pretty much what we were expecting to pay for a Chrysler, from what we'd seen. We were just hoping we wouldn't have to pay anything extra on top of what we get for the Ford, to buy a Chrysler. This one I bid on had to sell and be picked up this week, because the family have a new car coming on Tuesday and need rid of the old one asap. So they had a low starting price and a low reserve. I won it for under £2000!!! Here's hoping it will all work out okay and we won't be diddled or anything - I do hear of these things happening, but we checked the details out carefully and it seems pretty legitimate - even had tax and MOT till NEXT January! Actually it's getting MOT'd tomorrow, so if it happens to fail, we'll have the option of saying we don't want it any more. I think we MIGHT say no thanks if that happens. There are others we can bid on, though I'm not sure we'd get quite as good a buy. But if it doesn't fail the MOT, Neil will go and pick it up this week! We will pay them with our groaning credit card, and sell the Ford (for as much as we can!) as fast as we can - Neil will get it cleaned as soon as the car seats are transferred to the Chrysler and then put it up for sale straight away. Then when we get the money for the Ford, we'll put it back on the credit card, and hopefully even have a profit to take the credit card debt down a bit more, or put in the bank to help us pay our next mortgage payment - those are getting kind of scary now!

Anyway. Another load of stuff that should have been in the other diary! But oh well.

Nathan is stirring and fussing, and rooting now that I look at him and see what he's doing! More milk, already?! Well, I will nurse him again and see what he wants to do. Then try to go to bed, it's soooo late. I'll try to get the camera stuff up soon, and hopefully post new photos next entry.

Thank you for the messages - Meg, I can't believe we're a family of 5! It really made me think, "What?!" when I saw your message, hehe! I really appreciate everyone's support and comments. I have been a bit weepy and feeling down today, so hopefully not getting a bit bluesy like I did from around this time (for the next few MONTHS!) with my other babies. I reeeally hope not.

Okay, got to go - Nathan crying.

Ten days old, and photos of my three boys again!

Nathan is 10 days old! I can't believe he's 10 days old already, it's crazy. It feels like the FASTEST 10 days, but also the lonnnngest in existence, like each day has been a week long. I can't imagine he was ever NOT here, but at the same time I'm amazed that he's already been here for as long as TEN days!

And - ding! - right on time, from about 5pm yesterday, Nathan started nursing like NEVER before. I know the growth spurt times are roughly 10 days (my other boys were a few days early for this, both of them having a non-stop nursing marathon from about 7 days old), 3 weeks, 6 weeks, and so on. I thought that mayyybe he might not really have very noticable growth spurts because my supply is high for several nurslings. I don't think I noticed Matthew's growth spurts as much as Arthur's, and I put that down to tandem nursing. Anyway, NOTICABLE this time! ;)

By late evening he was going, ooh, about 30 minutes between feeds! I didn't get to lie down in bed till 3.30am because if I lay down even with him on my tummy, he stirred and ultimately woke all upset and rooting, even if he'd only just dozed off on the breast 15 minutes earlier.

Did I mention, I have a concern with Nathan's feeding? If I lie down to nurse him tummy-to-tummy in bed, at the end of the feed there's always a HUGE soaking wet patch under his head (about the size of his head, and through a towel folded into quarters, to the mattress!). I also noticed that sometimes I could hear liquid in his nose, like he was breathing watery fluid back and forth. Sometimes he would "nose-choke" on it, and it made me anxious, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I put the big wet patches down to me being leaky, or Nathan loosening his latch when he got sleepy, or something.

He also did this when I breastfed him across my body, holding him horizontal (the traditional position, you know the one?), but NOT with the "rugby" hold (under arm). Finally I stayed awake to watch him nurse while we lay tummy-to-tummy in bed, and saw that milk was dripping from his nose! He was nursing happily, and I guess his angle at that moment meant that he wasn't bothered by the milk in his nose - there was no sound of it rattling back and forth for the moment - but it was dripping heavily out of the nostril nearest the mattress, about 1 drip per second or maybe a bit faster. That's NOT GOOD, is it? I can't think why it's happening but it makes me worried, in case there's something wrong with him to allow milk through his nose like that.

It also made me wonder (in hindsight) if it had anything to do with the not-much-weight-gain thing. It was the day he was weighed and hadn't gained much that I saw the milk dripping from his nose, which scared me into NEVER nursing him horizontally since, and thus he hasn't "lost" any more milk while feeding. It was a significant amount of his feed I think, each time I nursed him in that position.

But also, thank you for the wise advice in my notes about maybe giving him hindmilk (after nursing one of the older boys) instead of the foremilk! I did this as well, after the midwife visit, hoping it might make a difference.

Anyway, anybody have a clue about the leaky nose thing?! It worries me a bit, because I did the same things with my other two babies and NEVER had that issue with them. His palette is intact and all that, so I don't know why the milk is escaping through his nose in such VAST quantities.

Sooo it is KILLING my back to nurse him constantly around the clock, sitting upright all the time holding him underarm! Also my wrists are not happy tonight, especially the right one, from supporting his head at my breast. I have to twist my wrist to do it and hold it for YEARS (slight exaggeration) without a break, with all this constant nursing! Last night I had to keep giving Nathan to Neil to hold for a few minutes at a time so I could lie down and rest my back before Nathan got irate and screechy and I had to sit up to nurse him again! By about 3.30am I finally figured that I could lie on my side, prop Nathan's head on my lower arm, and nurse him side-lying from the opposite breast. Dead arm, but YAY - sleep while nursing!! And no leaky nose :) I'll be doing the same tonight. I got so scared to nurse him lying down before because I knew I would go to sleep and not hear if he drowned on breastmilk or something.

Anyway, his super frequent nursing has continued all day today and I am feeling really drained and tired out. Also a bit headachy, so I'm probably not drinking enough, though I'm trying! I'm snacking and eating okay too. I love breastfeeding him, so it's all good! And my nipples are not falling off yet, so it's okay! ;)

The midwife came today and weighed him again, and he weighs 5lbs 15oz - a gain of 6oz since the last weigh-in 3 days ago, and finally above his birth weight, yay! I would have eaten somebody's hat if he hadn't gained weight, even if it was all piled on during last night alone, hehe! I'm so glad he's gained weight and the pressure is off. I mentioned the leaky nose thing to the midwife but she hadn't encountered it before, so couldn't help. She suggested I ask my GP, but I'm soooo not going to the (germy) GP surgery with my pre-term newborn! The health visitor is coming for our first appt tomorrow so I'll ask her too. Failing that, maybe I can phone the doctor and talk to her?

A midwife will come to us the day after tomorrow and weigh Nathan again, and do our full discharge if they're still happy with him, yay!

Nathan is on Neil's chest at the moment, and has been there maybe 45 minutes (quite a good break today!) but he is stirring and squeaking and making scrunchy faces, so I think I will have to leave this entry for a bit - maybe I can set the laptop up next to me and continue one-handed for a while? But that would probably drive me CRAZY with how sloooowww it is (I usually touch-type at speed with both hands!), so maybe not. Anyway, off to nurse my sweet tiny! Back if there's a break, later!

Back, but maybe not for long. Poor baby has a red bottom :( It looks so sore. He has been in disposables a few times today so maybe that’s it? We don’t normally have awful trouble with sore bottoms with cloth. We just put him in an XS fuzzi bunz (which is enormous on him!). I think we have run out of newborn disposables now so it’s cloth all the way (unless Neil caves and buys some more!), yay! Nathan is sucking Neil’s little finger at the moment, while Neil watches CSI and stuff that I don’t want to see! If he is cross about that I will put him back to the breast, but he’s had 3 sides so far, and my breasts are hoping for a lil break, just a little one. I am thinking it will be another long night for nursing, so I’m trying to drink plenty of water at the moment!

I have started looking at newborn sleepsuits on eBay. *sigh* I won a lot of 3 Next sleepsuits for 99p yesterday. We’ll never find that darn box in the loft because Neil isn’t going in the loft to look for it. Mind you, he has a lot on his plate at the moment, and very little time or energy! But still, I’m so frustrated about it. I can’t look, it’s too much exertion for me right now to go in the loft and sort and shift stuff. So if Neil doesn’t, the clothes won’t get found, till long after Nathan has outgrown them. It is SO daft to have to buy a load more clothes when I already HAVE a huge overabundance of them in the loft! Especially with the zero £ that we currently have. So daft. But hey ho. He must have things to wear, especially sleepsuits/vests – they are just WONDERFUL and so easy.

I bought a Coorie sling yesterday!!!! Yay! I have lots of slings, and I know I said last entry that I don’t do well with slings, but right now it would just be GREAT if I could have something easy peasy to put on in an instant, comfy to wear and comfy for the little one, and easy to take off again when I want to sit down. Nathan is in my arms all the time, alllll the time, which I actually LOVE and don’t want to change as such. But yesterday I was sitting on the sofa looking at the hideous mess that is our living room (no visible carpet, NONE, for all the toys, laundry, nappies, etc strewn over the whole room) and feeling kind of depressed that I had to sit and LOOK at it, and my kids had to play in it, and I couldn’t just put the baby down for a moment to clean it up at all. And right at that moment, Arthur surveyed the room and said to me, “Mummy, this room is really messy. I think we need to do a Five Room Rescue!” (that’s the 5-minute Room Rescue from FlyLady!) and then he started picking things up, and said to me, “Can you help me with the Five Room Rescue, Mummy?” and I couldn’t :( I hated that I couldn’t. Maybe in hindsight I could/should have sat myself down on the floor with Nathan in one arm and just tidied the bit next to me with the other arm. Arthur loves to have company when he wants to do housework, and I hated that I couldn’t really do that for him, OR remedy the horrible mess. If I had a sling that I could literally pop on and put the baby into in seconds, I would have been able to use it and say, “Yes, Arthur! I would love to help you!” and get up and TIDY right away. So I realised a sling like that would be useful to have. I do have a Hotsling but didn’t get on with it too well when I bought it for Matthew before he was born. He lay WAY too low in it as a newborn and needed significant boosting with rolled up towels and all sorts. And it wasn’t comfy for very long. It also seemed kind of stiff fabric compared with the soft stretchy fleece of a Coorie pouch.

Sarah’s mum (Sarah’s my brother’s fiancée) sent us £20 in a “congratulations on your new baby” card this week, and so I went to the Coorie website and found that if you buy a “seconds” sling, it costs £20 including postage! The seconds items have a mistake on the seam so that there’s a bit of raw edge showing on the outside of the sling, but it doesn’t affect the use of it at all. I got one in Earl Stripe – multicoloured! I can’t wait for it to arrive! I measured myself to be a size 2. I know I’ll get smaller but not for a while, and it’s really when I have a newborn that I’ll want to use it, and I’ll always be at least a size 2 then! ;) Anyway so that’s good!

Also, remember last entry I mentioned that I thought the camera had been left on because the batteries were dead? Well, no. It wasn’t the batteries. New batteries were put in, and what do you know? The CAMERA is dead. As a Dodo. No life in it at all. I have no idea what happened to it, because it doesn’t look like it’s been bashed or spilled on, or anything. But I have no camera! And I have a new baby!! I MUST HAVE A CAMERA!!! Or else I will lose what sanity currently remains. So Neil and I remembered that my grandparents gave us £50 each for Christmas! We were going to pool it and spend it on a crockpot – I had the very one picked out and everything, but then Neil’s brother gave us a GREAT crockpot for Christmas!!! So we didn’t spend G&G’s money. Yesterday I bought a Kodak camera online for almost all of our pooled money. I would love a GREAT camera but I don’t really care what it’s like right now, so long as it takes photos of my beautiful boy(s) and it’s here asap! Ideally I wanted one that was slightly better than my old one (since it WAS very old), and this one should definitely be better :) So I’m excited about that too! I have loved spending money on big things without actually spending any of our own non-existent money! Yay!

So when the new camera turns up and I have loaded the software and figured out how to use it, I’ll start taking pictures again and post them here. I hate that there’s a gap where I can’t photograph Nathan! I have been using the camcorder a bit here and there, but it’s not the same! Thankfully for my diary, I still have some photos (uploaded from my camera just before it snuffed it, thank goodness!) that I haven’t posted here! I only posted up to Nathan’s “3-days-old” photos, and I have two from when he was 5 days old, and then a bunch from 6 days old of all 3 boys together.

Here are two photos from when he was 5 days old, both taken during the evening. Neil and I take turns to hold him on us so the other one can type/play a computer game/pee, etc. Here he is on Daddy (look at his wittle face! All scrunched up and it reminds me so much of a certain type of cute lil doggie but I can’t think what type (is that bad to have compared my newborn to a dog?!)), and on (very tired) Mummy:





I think I mentioned last entry that Arthur suddenly wanted to hold Nathan one evening for the first time – that was when Nathan was 6 days old. Since then he has held him a lot, and asks to all the time :) Anyway, so he asked, and we put Nathan on him while he sat on the sofa, and Matthew was instantly eager to climb up and sit with them, so I whipped out the camera and took a bunch of photos! I can’t figure out which to post and which not, so here they all are:

















My sweet little boys!! I am so blessed to have THREE BOYS! I know I have said it already, but hey, you’ll have to get used to it because I feel pretty sure I’ll be saying it a lot from now on! I hope I get lots of good photos of the three of them together (when the new camera arrives) because I just love photos of my three boys! Looking at them just makes me feel so BOWLED OVER with sort of surreal disbelief that I even HAVE three children, and that they are all boys, but also just sooooooo proud and so thankful for them.

And, d’you know? Call me crazy but I am missing pregnancy (these last couple of days – about the same as when it started after my other two as well!), and reeeeally looking forward to doing it all again! *sigh* I just love it.

One day old!

Thank you for all the lovely messages and congrats! I am still in hospital with Nathan so it's a lovely bright patch in my day to come and read your messages! Jemma, thanks SO much for the package you've sent! It's so lovely of you and will make all the difference - can't wait for it to arrive. Neil looked and looked but somehow can't find the box of tiny baby and newborn sized clothes in the loft, which is a bit of a concern! He had to go to Tesco in the end and buy some short-sleeved vests and sleepsuits in size "early baby" (5lbs - 7.5lbs) because Nathan was temporarily wearing a premature (up to 5lbs!) sleepsuit from the neonatal unit as we had only 1 sleepsuit for him. Now he has 6 cute little sleepsuits and 6 tiny white vests, which Neil stayed up late for last night, to get them all pre-washed and tumble-dried for this morning - what a sweet love he is! Neil also couldn't resist a lovely fleece dungarees outfit which will be ideal for Nathan to wear home when we go as I hear the weather is horrible and reeeally cold - I have no idea about these things because I left planet earth on Friday (!) and my little 3-bed ward has NO windows! It's an internal room (not nice!) and anyway the beds are screened off from each other by curtains, which have always been drawn closed since I arrived. I kind of miss the outside world but I'm busy enough not to mind about it too much at the moment!! Windows would have been nice though.

Neil also bought a little padded snowsuit type thing with a hood in size "early baby" for the journey home. It's still just tooooo surreal - I can't believe I have an early baby! I can't believe he's here sometimes (it just hits me, esp when reading back my last couple of diary entries before Jan 11th, casually chatting about how I'll be 36 weeks on Sunday (the day after he was born!) and I'll post another belly pic, and I can't believe I'll be 36 weeks pregnant, etc, etc! But most of the time, being isolated in this little hospital world with no windows, it just seems matter-of-fact - he's here, of course he's here, was there really ever a time when he wasn't?

I have felt really fine since the middle of last night, about staying in till Monday (tomorrow, the day they had said would be the earliest we might go home). I don't know why. Jeannie's message helped. I also got to feeling like, well, its been a couple of days already, what's one more now? The boys are doing well at home, and I'm actually really beginning to enjoy the extended one-on-one bonding time with Nathan. I am entering that babymoon zone and just feel completely besotted with him at all times.

He's just so GORGEOUS!! When he popped out of me onto the bed , I had my back to him as I'd given birth on my knees leaning against the raised top end of the bed. I instantly tried to twist/crane round to see him, but couldn't see him properly. I was saying, "I can't see him, I can't see him!" and then when I could - "Ohhh, he's so beautiful! He's so gorgeous!!" I have never gushed like that the instant I saw my own newborn before, but I was just completely BOWLED OVER by Nathan from the moment I saw him - not that I didnt love my other children from before they were even born, but it has just seemed so strong this time around.

I am getting nervous that the system will time out and I'll lose this entry so I'm going to post it now. I'm GAGGING to post photos, and I amtaking them, but will need to wait till I can upload them onto the computer when I get home. Will update again when I can.

Precious baby boy has arrived!

Nathan Martin, born at 5.42am on January 12th 2008 with no pain relief whatsoever not even the TENS machine this time!), but do not be fooled into thinking I coped marvellously with the (violently brutal and excruciating) pain, no no... I did marvellously focusing on a small circular thingy on the baby heater/receiver thingy and blowing out careful breaths till each contraction passed, but by heck, by the time I was 7cm dilated (he was born less than 30 mins after that finding) I was experiencing an exact replica of Matthew's birth - hanging over the raised front of the bed being extremely noisy!

Nathan was born just as fast as Matthew was, in the 2nd stage. Even surrounded by midwives who knew things were progressing fast, they were caught by surprise at how fast he birthed. The pain, people, the PAIN. I screamed like a banshee once again, shamefully audible to the entire WING of the hospital, let alone the labour ward! I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I am just not going to have earthy joyful birth experiences. Unless I have the pain aspect removed, birth for me is brutal, terrifying pain-wise) and violent. That sounds so extreme. But it's my honest experience, and I have accepted that fine. It DOES put me off doing it again! But it was only this morning that I gave birth!

Nathan weighed 5lbs 13oz , a nice weight for 35 weeks and 6 days. He is 48cm long (19 inches, same as Matthew was at 41 weeks!). He has mid-dark brown hair and what so far look to me like dark eyes, not "newborn blue". He looks nothing like either Arthur OR Matthew, imagine that!

Still in hospital - baby boy has had no breathing probs and came out crying. e hasn't maintained his body temp sometimes so has been under the heater a few times. He is typically sleepy for a pre-term baby so won't really breastfeed. His blood sugar is being checked every 3 hours (due again soon so must go!) and so far maintaining it. ave consented to a formula top up (much hormonal snorty sobbing and crying) and am also hand expressing 0.5ml of colostrum each time I try.

Boys are fine, all went well there. Miss them soooo much (further snorty hormonal sobbing, audible to entire ward *sigh*) and desperate to go home TOMORROW with little Nathan. Not sure they'll let me though.

Thank you EVER SO much for all the comments and prayers! They have meant somuch to me, really. Thanks Meg for updating at FF for me! I'd like to tell them this news though, when get chance, if that's okay? V. grateful for your initiative before though.

Okay, will update asap! Please keep us in your prayers! xxxx

update on the ? waters breaking

Typed a huge entry on this impossible-to-use mini hospital keyboard for an HOUR and then the system timed out and I lost it all!

I HAVE to make this short.

I was right, waters did break and are now draining heartily.

Had my first round of IV antibiotics at 4.30pm followed by IV syntocinon to induce labour at 4.50! They want Nathan born tonight! I just hope my body complies so that there's no hassle later on, you know? Right now I have been on the synto for 3.5hrs - its nearly 8.30pm and am having 3 "moderate" contractions in every 10 mins. No pain relief yet and they're telling me im coping ever so well, but honestly i feel sure thats because theyre not "effective" ctx or something!

They want to check me every 4hrs from the start of the IV so thats only 20mins away now. My cervix was long and almost closed beforehand, but soft. i was not contracting at all before the drip either, so i reeeeally hope some progress is happening!

neil is at home the last 2hrs putting the boys to bed. he just phoned to say they went to sleep beautifully within 20mins - no trauma. im so relieved but now just hoping the night will go ok. bennie is sleeping with arthur where neil would normally be.

the midwife just set up my 2nd 4hrly dose of antibiotics, turning off the synto for the 20mins it will take to run. after that they are turning the synto drip up because my ctx are spacing apart a little.

better post this before i lose it! please pray for

a good night for the boys and bennie

nice fast progress from me in response to the iv

nathan to tolerate labour and birth

strength and peace for me

my poor parentss who flew home from the states the day before yesterday, took the overnight ferry home to france (exhausted) just last night, and got home minutes before i called with my news! they are back on a night ferry here tonight, bless them.

its my brothers birthday tomorrow - i dont want hisday to be too hectic

okay have to go - about time to be checked. will update if i can.

xxx