Wacky cycle!

Well my endless cycle finally came to an end! ;) My last cycle was a crazy 63 days long! I have never had a cycle like that before, even after having a baby. I am not sure if I ovulated at all, but I did have EWCM vaguely in a window before getting my period, so I could have ovulated at that time. I think if I did, it would have given me roughly an 8-day luteal phase, so that could be about right for me? Maybe.

Anyway, I am currently already on CD17 of this current cycle, and hoping this one is less wacky and long! By the end of last cycle, I was tempted to start taking my temperature again in the mornings, just so I would have a better understanding of what my cycle was doing as it went along, but I'm not sure if I want to get back to that yet. I guess I could do if I start to get fertile signs, just to see if I do ovulate or not after those signs disappear again. Then at least I'd know if I was waiting for my period to show or just waiting for ovulation still! Now, there's no real point getting too interested in my chart (and I'm talking to myself here) because with Neil's extra hours and stress at work (LOTS of stress, ugh), and me just being tiiiired and busy and tending to wakeful littlies through the evenings, there is still no PP parsnips (still!). Need to fix that, but yeah, no chance of another pregnancy yet in any case! ;)

Lately I have wondered about how fertile my body might be - as in, whether my luteal phase is starting to lengthen, how many more cycles it might be before it is back to normal, etc. And the thought of getting pregnant again RIGHT NOW was unexpectedly scary! It just feels so soon! I mean, it IS so soon, and there's is no chance right now anyway, but still. I'm reassured by the (hopefully accurate?!) memory that I had this same feeling at this stage postpartum after the others, but by 9 months postpartum was not feeling so scared any more. I get nervous about my milk supply, but last pregnancy gave us our shortest age gap (just under 18 months) and Nathan was only just 9 months old when I got pregnant. My milk tends to dry up in the first few months so I was anxious about Nathan getting enough breastmilk so as not to need to supplement before he could start cows' milk at 12 months. I prayed that God would let my milk supply be enough until then, and God is so faithful - it was plentiful, more than usually at that stage of pregnancy until the day of his first birthday! The very next day it seemed to dry up, almost overnight. I was so amazed about that, and so thankful to God! So I guess I would do the same thing, and I should have no fear about it especially with that experience, but I do still worry about the milk supply issue, if I get pregnant more than a couple of months before my baby's first birthday.

Anyway! I am currently blissfully (for the most part, lol!) enjoying my four little children, squeeeezing and snuggling my squidgy little baby boy as often and as long as I can, and cherishing pretty much every moment I can. Nursing Benjamin during the night, waking up next to him in the morning, holding his limp little body against my chest trying to burp him when he's too unconscious to care about having wind! Smoothing sleepy little ones' hair away from their faces at bedtime, kissing soft soft little cheeks, seeing my children sleeping peacefully at night time, some of them snuggling a beloved soft toy.... it just warms me to the very tenderest part of my heart, and I don't focus on desiring to do it all over again and feeling eager for another baby soon. I'm too busy loving my children with everything I have! But I know if I had a moment to stop and think about more babies, underneath the busy love-filled stuff, I know I am eager and longing for more of this bliss! It passes so fast, and I wouldn't wish it away for anything! I told my mum on the phone the other day that I am loving my 30s (I'll be 34 next month) and have looked forward to them from a young age, simply because I knew they would be about raising and having children. I told her that I hoped I would still have little tiny ones around me when I start my 40s, and she did a sort of horrified gasp (*sigh*) but it's TRUE. I hope I do. Only God knows what is best for us, so I will have to wait and see how God will bless us. Right now I am working on loving my children and learning to manage and discipline them better. And school and house stuff, and so on! There's plenty to keep me busy! I don't NEED another baby. But I really do hope God will give me one, when the time is right, according to His wisdom and love!