Toby

Further to my last post here, this is just a p.s. I suppose, that I wanted to write before time passes and it never gets done. It's late and I should be sleeping, but I'm still pondering... I'm not wasting my time, I promise. This has been kind of deep within me for a long time now. I felt so silly about it, like people would think me daft if I admitted it. I DO think Elijah had a twin. I thought it at the time when it was suspected at the first scan. I have thought about it since, even knowing that by then, there wasn't a twin there. I STILL think about it, not wistfully like I wish it could be, but just because it's a fact of the matter, deep down - you know? I can't explain it any better.

Because I didn't get bashed for the idea when I finally wrote about it (!!), I feel safer admitting the next bit - that he has a name. Identical twins are obviously the same gender, so I know the little lefty-bean was a boy, and how blessed I am to know exactly what he would have looked like! :) Happy closure comes, for me, with naming him. I don't have to try to name him, because I knew immediately when I first thought that he existed, what his name would be. He isn't. Well, he WAS, but he isn't here now, and maybe some might think he might as well not be named because he "barely" existed (if there's even evidence enough to support that). But I feel so so so sure, I can't explain. I'm glad that somebody professional questioned at the scan - that even they thought they saw a second baby and a second heartbeat. I'm glad I have visible evidence of Elijah's hair whorl to really give weight to that original suspicion.

I know I said last entry at one point, "What would his name have been?" or something like that. But I knew his name. I don't know why I even put that. I guess I felt nervous.

His name is Toby David. Because... I don't even know why his name is Toby. I just knew, when I first said out loud, "Elijah and..." Toby just fell into place in that sentence without even a second's delay, and I was certain of his name immediately. I had no idea of its meaning. I wanted David next to it because I knew it had something to do with love, as a meaning, and I liked that.

Well just now, I looked them up.

Toby - from the Hebrew "Tobias" - "God is good".
David - Hebrew - "Beloved".

My heart is just about overflowing now that I've seen those meanings - how perfect! God is good ALL the time, no matter how it feels or seems. He's always good. He was good in allowing Toby to die, in order to keep Elijah safe, if that is how it happened. Toby is an example to me of how God is good, plain as day, simple fact. And beloved is so wonderful, so perfect to have in his name. Because obviously, he's completely beloved, and I'm glad to name him with that description of my heart for him.

That's all really. I feel really good to give him a name and actually tell someone. I don't think I will refer to him often. I still somehow feel a bit daft calling him by name and referring to him as a person, because MAYBE he didn't even exist after all? But I am sure he did. That's all I can say. I love how the names Elijah and Toby sound together, and I would love to be referring to them together on a daily basis now, but I am content with my GOOD God's plan, and my happy place in it. :)