Baby blessings...

It's New Year's Eve! Only 14 minutes to go till midnight, actually! :) I just wrote my Facebook update and it got me thinking and feeling thankful.

I was reminded afresh how very very blessed I am - how incredibly generous and kind God has been to me. He has opened my womb four times in four years! I think He's wonderful! :)

We started trying for our first baby in 2003. It took 9 cycles and that's not really long but it felt like forever at the time, not knowing why it wasn't "working" or when it might. Or not. But, looking back, I know it wasn't long at all, when it comes to trying for a baby. So, no pregnancy in 2003. Praise God that He did open my womb and enable us to conceive! In February 2004, Arthur was conceived. He was born in November, so my whole pregnancy fitted into 2004.

Then in September 2005, Matthew was conceived. Arthur was 10 months old. Matthew was born in June 2006, 19 months after his brother. The rest of 2006 was difficult for me - the adjustment, I think, and the hormones. I didn't cope too well, and I think it was mild postnatal depression. Thankfully it lifted when I ovulated for the first time over Christmas 2006 - hooray! :)

Nathan was conceived in May 2007, just a few days after my brother became a Daddy for the first time. I remember holding Thea, at just a few days old, and thinking, "Awww!" My heart went mushy! Matthew was 11 months old and she seemed soooo tiny compared with my own little ones! Well, I ovulated a few days later, and that's when Nathan came to be! :) Nathan's pregnancy was scary in parts because I had torrentially heavy bleeding at 11 weeks, and lots of lighter bleeding throughout the first and early-second trimesters. But PRAISE GOD!! He survived and was born, albeit 5 weeks early, perfectly healthy in January 2008.

Nathey was 9 months old in October that same year, when Benjamin was conceived. We did not plan and try that time, having decided after Nathan to let God control when (and how many!) our babies were conceived. Sweet baby boy number 4, Benjamin, was born in July 2009 and is now nearly 6 months old.

So, to recap:

2004 - Pregnant with Arthur! Arthur born.
2005 - Pregnant with Matthew!
2006 - Matthew born.
2007 - Pregnant with Nathan!
2008 - Nathan born, and pregnant with Benjamin!
2009 - Benjamin born.

Wow. How God has blessed us! I'm so joyfully in awe of His goodness to me! I pray and pray that He will enable and equip me to nurture and mother my little ones enough - I don't want to fall short, with so many to care for. I want to do the very best I can for my children! I want to be a GOOD steward of my blessings so that God will consider blessing us again and again!

So now I have taken a short break to watch Big Ben bonging the New Year in, on TV! :) Happy New Year! It's 2010!! :)

I am excited about 2010! The BEST part is giving everything to God and having NO IDEA what will happen. We are not in control. We relinquished it to God. That's EXCITING!!! :D I am wondering if God will bless us again with a baby this year. I know that sounds a bit crazy since I feel like I've just had one, but so far I have either been pregnant or had a new baby every year, so I wonder what 2010 will bring! Maybe no babies? Perhaps God's plan for our family is four little boys close together and that is all? God chooses when to close my womb, and I just pray that He will not close it yet! I love having my babies and seeing my little ones grow and develop.

I just want to say here that I don't set my babies aside in my heart or my thoughts or my energies when I think ahead to more babies. I know people have said in the past to enjoy the ones I've got rather than looking ahead hoping for more. Well, I do both! :) I eagerly hope for more, because it's such a precious blessing. But it doesn't take a thing away from enjoying my little ones and soaking up every smile and cute chipmunky new word, every hurty finger kissed and sleepy head nuzzled on my shoulder. The less rose-tinted aspects (!) are harder to see the joy in, like ennnndless discipline over issues that seem like they'll never change, ever! Or night wakings every night for 5 years. Except that last one I am actually warming to. My little ones are just as precious and snuggly at night, sometimes more so than usual! And I love co-sleeping and breastfeeding at night.

So, being eager and excited for more babies, if God chooses to bless us that way, does not detract from my attention towards my children. Just to say! :)

Well I am currently on Cycle Day 58 or something!!!! I have never had a cycle like this in my life before - and spotting a couple of weeks ago too! Weirdness. Still getting occasional signs that I might be ovulating, but it comes to nothing, it seems. Right now I have no fertile signs, and I feel crampy today and a bit hormonal, so I wonder if my period will come soon. I have had times throughout my cycle so far where I've felt crampy though, so who knows! I guess one way or another my period will show up in the end. It's just strange for me to have a cycle this long, but then I did start my periods much earlier than usual postpartum. Maybe this one is just a bit wacky for that reason?

I STILL plan to hurry up and write Benjamin's birth story, but in the run-up to Christmas and New Year I haven't had chance to sit down and write any of it. Hopefully soon! :) Thanks to Melanie and Nicola for commenting! I know I'm not pregnant or with a brand new baby, so it's not exactly an exciting read here at the moment, and I really appreciate the comments! ;)

Update at 5 months postpartum

Well, I know it's been a while (thanks for the reminder Melanie!), but I felt a bit uneligible to post here, since I'm not pregnant or trying to become so! ;) But I wanted to come and write a quick (possibly, you know me, haha!) update since it has been a few months. I think it was October when I updated last time, to say that I had my first postpartum period just under 3 months after having Benjamin!!!

I am now waiting for my 3rd period. The cycle that followed my first period was typical and uneventful for the way things go with me after having a baby (as I have learnt by now!). I had a normal 30 day cycle, but didn't ovulate till CD26 and thus had only a 4 day luteal phase again, which is perfectly normal for me at this stage after having a baby. I have wondered if my luteal phase my stay incredibly short for longer this time, since my periods have started back earlier than the other times? Or if they'll lengthen at the same time span as the other times, and so be fully back to normal (fertile) sooner than the other times? Who knows.

BUT, this cycle is weird! The weirdest cycle I think I have ever had! I am not bothered about it, just keeping an eye, and charting here and there to keep track. I am not temping at all because there's no real need. Just noting CM when it seems "of note" and any crampy or particularly headachy days, especially if I feel a bit hormonal or something with it. I have had EWCM but just a bit here and there, and clearly it hasn't led to ovulation. This has happened before, but not so drawn out as this. I am now on Cycle Day FORTY NINE!!! I know lots of women have gone way past that as a norm for them, but for me this is waaaaay outside of the norm, and I have never had a cycle this long, let alone not ovulated yet! Perhaps this cycle will be my first ever anovulatory cycle? Or maybe my body is trying (hence the signs here and there along the way) but not getting around to ovulating yet?

Another totally weird thing is that last week I had spotting - seriously! Again, I know spotting is perfectly normal for plenty of women mid-cycle, but not for me. The only spotting I have ever had is implantation spotting (or right after a smear test), when pregnant, so this is very odd to me! I had it with a lot of EWCM so I wondered if maybe I was ovulating, but I don't know if I really did. I had no cramping of any sort around that time, and I usually cramp with ovulation. Other times during my cycle I have had EWCM and cramping, but nothing came of that. I'm sure one way or another I will eventually get a period, so I'm not concerned about it, it's just weird to think I still haven't had my period after like 50 days! Crazy strange for me! If I DID ovulate with the last EWCM (with the spotting) then I am maybe 6DPO and I wouldn't expect my luteal phase to last any longer than that, so perhaps I will get my period for Christmas or something? Who knows! :)

I AM feeling a bit crampy this evening, and I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed with life, like I can't keep on top of things and I'm more down on myself than usual, which I notice easily because it's so unusual for me to feel that way about myself.

Once in a cycle after Nathan, I didn't ovulate till CD thirty-something, as I had the same delayed ovulation thing then too, but this is really really late of me!

Anyway that is the update on my cycles and such! Still not really thinking at all about another baby because it seems so detached from now, you know? My cycles aren't fertile as far as I know, and Neil and I are not getting quality time, so to speak! ;) I'm just enjoying (soooo very much!) my current gorgeous squidgely happy baby boy, marvelling that he's five months old already, and busy busy with my other lovely children. I eagerly LONG for more babies in the future, and my heart turns towards international adoption too. I am excited to see what God will bring! Many times I feel sure He won't bless us again because we SURELY are not being good stewards with the blessings He has already given us, and that is important if God is going to allow us to receive more, I think. We do need a bigger home, but I don't concern myself with that as much because it's materialistic and really doesn't matter a whole lot. It would be MUCH better for us all if we had more space, but it isn't a reason for us to prevent sweet baby blessings that God may have in store for us. God is our provider, and we trust in Him. If he blesses us with more children, we fully believe that He will provide for our needs as we carry out His will in that! :)

I am thinking ahead to more children occasionally, just the odd day-dream, nothing concrete! ;) Only because I love the thought so much, and I hope so much that we have more children in our future. Our current children are actually eager for more siblings, at least Arthur is certainly eager, and Matthew and Nathan ADORE Benjamin (no jealousy issues at all since his birth with any of the boys) and seem very open to us having more. I don't think we've given them cause to believe that families PREVENT God opening the mummy's womb again and again according to His perfect will, though. That's what we tell them, and that's what they believe and accept happily. Arthur still asks when we'll have another! ;)

I can't help but think that if we DO have another baby, it will be another boy, haha! ;) I know I had this twin-girl feeling, well, more than a feeling, when I was praying when Nathey was a newborn and God told me that the next baby would be Benjamin. I don't know whether to trust it, in case it was my own head! Twin girls seems awfully unlikely unless it actually IS God making it happen! ;) I am getting comfortable with the idea of having 5 little boys close in age. I so hope we can have five close in age! I don't know what we'd call him, but we almost used Noah last time so perhaps that, although sometimes Neil wasn't too keen. We also liked Micah.

I'm scared to have twins but also weirdly hopeful that we will one day! I have been praying about it since Nathan was tiny, and it has never left my mind. It's probably a bad idea to be thinking about it over a long time like it could happen, because I don't want to be going down a wrong path in my thoughts or anything. But the thought won't disappear over all this time - nearly 2 years now. I have gone from feeling too scared to ever want to have twins, to looking forward with hope (and fear, lol!) to the day God may bless us that way. I have even actually - dare I admit this?! - started to PRAY that God will bless us with twins, though I am really scared of potential complications, difficult pregnancy and the type of birth that may result, and then HOW in the wide world would I care for newborn breastfeeding twins and four small boys?!?! We would (OBVIOUSLY!) be in a different, bigger, house. But still, it scares me! But ohhh how blessed we would be! What favour God would have shown us to allow not one but two precious babies to grow and flourish inside me! Incredible blessing. Sometimes phrases pop into my head randomly like, "My twins..." or "the twins", or even, "the GIRLS" without me intending them to be there. They surprise me! I squash them down quickly, feeling slightly embarrassed lest some nearby mind-reader hears my probably-daft thoughts! ;) I don't see myself being disappointed if we never have twins, or never have girls, because I am overjoyed to be a) mother of many, and b) mother of boys. It's so wonderful! I couldn't possibly complain or want a different "set" of children! I just want to have more BABIES, and will happily let God choose their gender.

You know I will be MADLY ECSTATIC if He chooses a girl (or two) though, don't you?! ;)

I know the names I would personally use for girly twins, but they're just my names, and Neil will quite likely not want to use them, going by our history, hehe! I may put my foot down somewhat over one of those names in particular though :) Neither of the names are Georgia, strangely enough! After all I have said since trying to conceive Arthur, about that being my favourite name EVER for a girl! ;)

Okay it's late, and I've updated and must go to bed. Oh but Benjamin is doing wonderfully. He had plagiocephaly (flat head) and a twist down his neck and spine into his pelvis (when we saw a children's osteopath), and he had one treatment and was then prayed for and HEALED by God! Yayness! So he is fine now. He rolls both ways, back to front, front to back, and started sitting (non-tripod!) unsupported tonight, for 2 minutes straight! He had done 10 seconds or so during the last week, but tonight he just took off, so to speak! He's desperate to play with his brothers and loves all their vehicles to watch, handle and mouthe! ;) He is gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous, and I could kiss him all day long if I didn't have a lot of other things to do as well, haha! ;)

His eyes are still greyish (not blue, but not clear or slate grey either - non-descript really) and I am sort of waiting for them to turn hazel or brown but nothing so far. Arthur's eyes were fully grey until 4.5 months old when they gradually went brown in splotches over a short period of time. We'll see! His hair is growing in well and fast, the fastest of all my boys so far. It is the same brown as Arthur and Nathan's hair. I don't know what he weighs as I haven't had him weighed in months, but he is hefty! He looks so big and chunky and I'm sure he's still up near the 90th percentile like he was before. That might make him around the 18lb mark? He is starting to outgrow 6-9 month clothes and size 3 Tesco nappies. He breastfeeds on demand night and day, and still wakes once during the evening and then 2-3 hourly at night still. That's okay. I am tired! But it's okay :) He sleeps in his Amby hammock (yes I did see the recall in the States - no news of anything here but I'm somewhat concerned about it!) for naps and at bedtime, and I put him back in it for all his evening/night wakings if I have stayed awake to do so! Otherwise we both go to sleep while he's breastfeeding in my bed, and he always wakes up next to me with a big smile (which is PRICELESS!!) and I adore this arrangement! :) He wears baby sleeping bags (grobags) in the Amby.

Benjamin is longing to eat food! Hehe! He munches his chops, reaches out and stares at my food on its way to my mouth, and so on. He is as ready as can be, but I will not give him anything till he is six months on the dot - that is my way, as most of my readers will already know. I do not believe a baby's digestive tract is mature enough to deal with solids until the age of six months. If they're five months and 3 weeks and 4 days, they're not six months old yet! ;) He is not lacking. While he is incredibly eager and longing, he is not in need of anything other than breastmilk yet. He may WANT that food, but he doesn't need it yet. He is well satisfied when he nurses and won't take a second side usually because he's full. He is huge and chunky (the rolls people, the ROLLS!!!) and happy. He will be super thrilled when I finally hand him a half-peeled banana on January 9th, but he can watch and learn for now! :) I am actually feeling a little sad about the fact that he'll only be exclusively breastfed for a few more weeks! I can't believe how fast it has gone by, and now it's almost GONE, that stage! :( It's definitely the fastest out of all my babies so far. But I am excited that in only a month or two, he will have made some drastic changes - eating with us, crawling, and sitting to play all the time with his brothers! How exciting that will be to behold! :)

Okay I MUST go to bed! And much of that was supposed to be part of a Benjamin update at my main blog with photos, but oh well! I will probably repeat myself a bit when I get around that update, but I'm glad to have it here for prosperity all the same!

I WILL (will will will will...) finish writing Benjamin's birth story soon and post it here the instant I have finished. I have written early labour so far, and I have notes for the rest of it so hopefully it won't be too hard to piece together and write! I am excited to write it, because it was a wonderful positive experience (that I can't WAIT to share with you all at last!), but I just never seem to have the time. Soon! :)

PPAF!! Already!!

Just a quick follow-up (more for my own records - sorry if this is boring!) from my post last night, where I was wondering if I might have my period (already! How crazy!!). I definitely do! It's really light, but a period, without a doubt. Today I have been reminded of that hot achy ball in the pit of my stomach that I haven't experienced in a while. It has been okay, but I am crampy and definitely have more than spotting, though it's very light. Other things are starting to make sense now that I look back - other than the EWCM (which I've charted as best I can remember it - yay, charting!! :) ) - like the weirdly queasy tiredness I had since Friday, and the irritability (though not that bad for my usual PMS!) which I put down to tiredness. My milk supply is holding up well (it's common for it to take a hit when you're breastfeeding and ovulating, or breastfeeding and having a period), though I think it's down a little on the norm because Benjamin woke at 9.50pm and had a big feed, when he normally goes till about midnight. I know he could be starting another growth spurt or something, but it's a bit too much of a coincidence, so I think it's having my period that is affecting the milk supply a tiny bit. Thankfully my milk is plentiful so I am not noticing too much trouble.

I am not sure what to think about my period returning less than 3 months postpartum!! Nor is Neil! I keep thinking, "What is my body DOING?!" and then remembering that it's GOD who controls the timings of everything that occurs within my body. So then asking, "What does God think He's DOING?!" doesn't sound too good to say! ;) I do get my periods back every time while still exclusively breastfeeding day and night on demand, before solids are introduced, etc, but this is so markedly earlier than the other three times, so I'm really surprised.

I have gone back to Fertility Friend to chart again, because I want to keep an eye on my cycles, and also I am sure I will have really short luteal phases for a while again, so I want to see how those go. I don't think I will temp - it seems crazy early to be whipping out a thermometer every morning! I JUST HAD A BABY!! This is so surreal! But I will definitely chart CM if it's of note, and mayyybe temp during EWCM so that I can see if there's evidence of ovulation or not after it. I am not sure if I should expect a long gap before another period, or if I'll get right back to cycling as usual. Usually when my periods first return, the cycles are long and ovulation occurs late (then the luteal phase between ovulation and my period arriving is only days long). We'll see how it goes this time. I'm not really sure what to expect now! :)

When I went back to FF to start a new chart, I saw the last one I charted (when Benjamin was conceived) and noticed that the last period I had started on September 24th last year! So close to being only a year between the last one and the return of them!! It seems such a crazy short gap to me, and I admit I was hoping for a bit longer without cramps and hormones every month! ;) Exactly a week from today, Benjamin will have been conceived exactly a year ago. It boggles my brain to think that it has been a whole year already since he has existed! It is all going by sooooo fast.

Melanie, you asked if I'm having any twinges for another baby soon! :) I have to say it was not on my radar at ALL at this stage, to be thinking of such things! ;) But I admit I miss being pregnant and having a teensy little flopsy newborn who snuffles and roots like a baby bird at the slightest touch to his little cheek. Awwwwww, my insides turn to mush at the very thought! :) I have already been praying (as last time, after Nathan!) that God will open my womb again and bless us with more babies yet. I adore having little ones and really hope our family is not complete yet! With my periods returning so much sooner than I expected, I admit I am suddenly a little scared that it could possibly be sooner than I feel equipped to handle! But Neil and I are going to pray about it. God knows way better than we do what is best for us and for our family. He knows which little persons he has already planned, and for when. My periods returning this early might still mean nothing as far as fertility goes. God could have us wait even longer than our previous age gaps, ironically! ;) But I know if we pray about it, then either He will hear our prayers and not open my womb until we are able to manage another pregnancy/baby, OR He will equip us and our children to handle it sooner than we think we can! God is good. All the time. I trust Him completely over this. I hope soooo much that He still plans to bless us with more children!

Arthur seems eager for more siblings (as always!). He asked with with a great gasp of excitement if I had another baby in my tummy a few weeks ago, at lunch! I was standing up handing out yoghurts while they sat at the table, and he was looking at my tummy. I explained that my tummy still hadn't finished going DOWN from having Benjamin, and his shoulders dropped with disappointment! He just looked down at the table, and all he said was, "Oh." He tells me now and then that he hopes God will give us more babies, and last week told me that he thinks we should get a double decker bus to hold all the babies God blesses us with, when we change our vehicle next, hahaha! We are considering changing our car (AGAIN!!! It's getting silly, lol!). If we have more children, even one, we'll be way more comfortable in something bigger. Right now we have a Citroen C8 which seats 7. I think you can buy a bench with 3 seats on it to replace the back two captain's chairs though. There is not enough space in the boot to store our tandem pushchair and extras (one captain's chair has to stay folded down to fit it) and currently when we go out as a family, I drive, the three boys are across the middle row behind me, Benjamin is in the infant car seat in the front passenger seat (with the airbag deactivated), and Neil sits in the captain's chair in the very back. We discovered that anyone sitting in the back row has to clamber in over the pushchair in the boot to get into it, and then I have to shut the boot door on them! I don't like that, for my little ones. If I needed to get them out in an emergency that just doesn't feel safe enough for me. I had hoped the sliding side doors would open far back enough for people to climb into the back row through the side doors, but no. So, strangely enough, we feel as though we have already outgrown it! Anyway, the next thing up from a minivan is (gulp!) a minibus!! A 9- or 12-seater vehicle, yikes! We don't think 9 will suffice because it's still just the two rows of 3 behind the driver, although that back row might be easier to access from the side, in a minibus.

We ARE interested in 12-seater vehicles because we would essentially take the back row out semi-permanently and have a HUGE storage space for pushchairs and bikes and so on, whilst also having six individual seats for children which will each be big enough to hold a child's car seat. If we end up super-duperly blessed by God (!!) then we can always reinstate the back row, so we shouldn't outgrow it so fast as we've managed to outgrow the other cars we've bought! :) It's an exciting thought, having to buy a vehicle that big because God has blessed us with enough children to need one! I LOVE that! Praise God! :) We don't NEED one just yet, but we'd certainly be more comfortable in one even now, even if we end up not having any more little ones.

Neil is surprisingly open to allowing God to bless us with more children at the moment! I have been praying and praying about this over the months, and I am overjoyed to see encouraging answers to prayer! :) He would like us to move house (obviously, we will need to!) and also to be financially more settled, ideally, but he seems open to endless possibilities if those things are set. I pray that God will help us move to just the right place to raise the number of children He has in mind for us, and also that He will answer Neil's prayers for financial stability, not because we NEED it to "manage" the blessing of lots of children (the only thing we NEED to rely upon is God, whatever our circumstances and family size), but because it's important to Neil. It isn't important to me. It would be GOOD, but it isn't necessary if we are trusting God. I totally understand why it means a lot to Neil though. Men are providers for their families - it is how they are wired! :)

Sooo I am definitely eager to have more babies if God sees fit to bless us that way! :) I'd be anxious (and need to pray about that a lot!) if we were to conceive very quickly, but I am not expecting that to happen. No PP parsnips as yet, so no likelihood for a while yet anyways! ;)

I will update here whenever there's anything relevant to write (or I feel like rambling, haha!). I can't BELIEVE I'm back here only 7 weeks after closing it, hehehe! Craaaazy.

Nearly 3 months postpartum!

Well, I know I JUST closed this diary like 6 weeks ago or something! ;) And then over the last maybe couple of weeks I have been having some "cycle-ish" signs that I don't think I'm used to having this early. I have had a lot of EWCM on and off, and have also felt a bit crampy on and off too, but then I DID read after I had Arthur that it's common for breastfeeding mothers to have EWCM here and there due to high oestrogen levels (despite not having that experience myself. I think!).

Anyway so I had some a few days ago for a few days running, and also about a week before that for a few days running. Not just maaayyybe EWCM, but definitely EWCM. And then today I noticed some more. When I went to the toilet after Neil got home from work tonight (pretty much my best opportunity to pee all day long, haha!), I noticed brown spotting which REALLY caught my attention since it's so early after having Benjamin and I have never had any spotting or much (if any) EWCM before about 5 months postpartum before. So I put a pantliner on and did the bedtime routine with the boys, and then was desperate to check my pad - it has just been playing on my mind, because I'm thinking, "Surely not?! Periods returning less than THREE months postpartum when I'm exclusively breastfeeding?!" especially with my pretty predictable history of starting my period at 5 or 6 months postpartum all the other times, with ovulation occuring first (EWCM being one of the signs).

So, I finished putting the boys to bed and kept wondering if I felt a bit crampy, and I checked my pad, and lo and behold - pink/red! Not very much, but I do wonder if I might have started my periods again already?! Which is surely CRAAAAAZY!! Benjamin is a big boy and feeds hungrily. My milk supply is plentiful and I leak like crazy. He is the first baby since Arthur not to use a pacifier/dummy at all. He feeds on demand around the clock and nurses several times during the night. He's not even 3 months old yet!!! What in the wide world is my body thinking?!?!?! I am crampier than I was 20 minutes ago, so I am guessing it's the real thing. I'm not disappointed - it's actually quite exciting to see signs of re-appearing fertility again, but I admit it has caught me a little (read: TOTALLY) off-guard! I am never fertile enough to conceive for a good 4 cycles usually, as my luteal phase is too short (quite aside from the non-return of postpartum parsnips as yet! ;) ) - well maybe I shouldn't say NEVER any more??! I *tend not to be* fertile enough to conceive until my luteal phase gradually lengthens. I intended to chart the EWCM but never found time to do it - how I wish I had done so now!!! Tsk! So I have no idea what kind of a luteal phase I've just had (if any, and if this is indeed a period). Maybe it's just breakthrough bleeding like sometimes happens when breastfeeding, early on? Except that's typical at around 6 weeks postpartum, not 13... Hmmm.

Anyway, this was the obvious place to come to express these kind of rather personal ramblings! I feel a bit stunned and surprised really! I guess I should go and see if I have any sort of sanitary protection and try to find my hot water bottle?!?! This is rather surreal - so much sooner than I expected it.

Benjamin is waking so I have to dash. All is well with the boy though! He's delicious! :)

6 weeks old already!

It's late! I have no time (as always lately) to blog anything at all, but I MUST just write a few bits otherwise it feels like it's all slipping away into the past and the memories will fade unless I document them! I mean, they'll fade somewhat anyway, but still.

So Benjamin is already 6 weeks old! He's nearly 7 weeks actually. No longer a newborn baby :( Waaah! I always feel sad about that milestone, even though everything ahead of us is EXCITING! I just love me a precious bundle of newborn baby-ness! :)

Tomorrow Benjamin has his 6-8 week baby check with the doctor. That is the point at which I officially close down my pregnancy diary (as with the others) and put my lovely pregnancy, birth, and early weeks with my new sweetie behind me, and move onto all the exciting milestones and discovering his personality, and raising him, basically! The fun stuff! But it's always bittersweet to close my pregnancy diary down. I DO SO HOPE I'll be back! :)

I have my own postnatal check tomorrow as well - a different appointment with a different doctor, and I'm glad to have that coming up. I am doing fine. I really have had no issues or much pain at all from my stitches, which dissolved many weeks ago anyway. I have no discomfort now, and seem to have completely healed up. My bleeding has all but gone. I have only had a tiny bit of spotting for the last couple of weeks, although it's still going. I think the latest I stopped bleeding after a birth was 7 weeks with Matthew I think? Anyway, SOON! :) I'm really looking forward to that! I have been feeling mildly crampy occasionally these last few days too. That's just a note-to-self, in case it's relevant to something or other further down the line - I have no idea why I'm a bit crampy, and I'm not concerned about it.

I weighed myself a couple of weeks ago and I was 11 stone 3lbs, which means I have lost about 25lbs since the end of my pregnancy. I have a LOT more to lose, and some may have come off already since then, but I don't really keep track. I know from the other times that it just comes off extremely slowly over the first 6 months, and then suddenly starts FALLING off, so that by 8 months postpartum I have usually lost about 45lbs and am wondering what I'll do if I don't get pregnant again soon! ;)

I am really dreading the impending Great Postnatal Hair-Shedding Event 2009, urgh. That and the bleeding after giving birth are my only two real dislikes postpartum! The GPH-SE 2009 is also sort of combined with The Sudden Crew-Cut thing that starts around the same time, which I always feel super self-conscious about! But oh well! My "crew-cut" growth from my last baby is not quite grown out enough to tuck behind my ears, and it's driving me batty at the moment. I love that all this crazy hair is a reminder of having my babies though! :)

Breastfeeding is going great. I have no pain or bruisey feelings or anything like that. I am mostly just bothered by MEGA leakage as always. I soak everything, and I do mean everything, if I forget a breastpad and my milk lets down. Within seconds I am talking change my ENTIRE outfit including trousers and UNDERWEAR, hehe! It looks a bit like somebody tipped a bucket down my front (or two buckets, side by side, haha!). But the nights are humid and too warm at the moment and I hate having to wear a bra with breastpads in it at night. I have tried just pressing towels to my front when I feed Benjamin in the night, but inevitably fall asleep breastfeeding and then wake up in a wet bed! So last night I got desperate and taped breastpads to myself with masking tape, haha! I now have a nice red rash in the shape of the tape strips on my breasts. *sigh* Not a wise move! Oh well, back to bras and breastpads! ;) I am thankful for all the milk though! :)

Benjamin is doing great! I have no idea what he weighs. I'm eager to know but it's a huge faff to take him to get weighed at the clinic, so I just don't, and that means I don't know his weight, but oh well. They don't weigh babies at the doctor's check, only with the Health Visitor, but annoyingly the HV isn't doing any appointments tomorrow for some reason, so I can't get him checked when we go for our appointments. Neil is taking a day of holiday time tomorrow (which is why I arranged both the appts on the same day) so that he can stay with the other kids while just Benjamin and I go to our appointments. Maybe even just me for mine. I can't fathom having an internal examination behind a curtain while my four little boys frolic around on the other side (and let's face it, continually dart back and forth around the curtain *sigh*)! Definitely need someone to watch them for that! ;)

Benjamin is breastfeeding well, and pretty often. He doesn't use the Amby baby hammock at ALL at the moment. I would have to bounce and swing him in it FOREVER and then he'd wake if I stopped, and it was taking too much time away from the others, so I stopped using it around 4 weeks old, a few weeks ago. If Neil's home, Benjamin has all his day naps on my bed after breastfeeding to sleep usually. He co-sleeps with me at night anyway, and goes right back off to sleep on the breast every time he wakes to feed. I do all his feeds with us lying on our sides, tummy-to-tummy. There are not a lot of experiences in my life that I have found more precious and rewarding, seriously. I LOVE breastfeeding little babies at night time, and hang the sleep! It's too precious to bother about the resulting loss of sleep, and I can say this much easier having had four babies. I found it VERY hard the first baby, and a little with the second too. Now I see how quickly it's over and done with, and how soon they're out of my bed and no longer night nursing. It's a bit of a relief in some ways when they aren't nursing at night any more because of the SLEEP I get! :) Although, ours still don't tend to sleep through till about 18 months old, night-nursing or not :S But anyway - I love snuggling my tiny ones at night! The time is literally FLASHING by and I know my time is limited to enjoy this stage with Benjamin. I don't know how often he wakes or how many times. I think he might go 2-3 hours between wakings/feeds at night but I don't check the clock, the room is totally dark, and I try to stay as asleep as I possibly can. So I don't know. He isn't waking crazy frequently (like some other babies I have known!) like hourly or anything. He wakes a little more frequently when he's having a growth spurt I think, but again, I don't take too much notice and try to stay asleep! I no longer change his nappy at night unless I can tell/smell that he's done a poo. He doesn't usually do that any more. He saves a stonker for the morning, or else saves it allll up for a total blow-out in the afternoon! ;) He usually poos only once a day now, maybe twice, although today it was 3 times. His bottom is much less sore now that he isn't pooing so much, and it was much improved anyway once we stopped using baby wipes (we only use the sensitive ones anyway, but these still bothered his skin) and went back to cotton-wool and water. I use cotton pleats and fill a bowl of water before bed, and put them next to the bed at night.

He continues to bring up vast quantities of milk throughout the day and night, just as my other babies have done. Nathan was my least sicky baby, but he still had his moments. Benjamin is like Matthew and Arthur and I frequently need to change his clothes, my clothes, the bedsheets, etc. For this reason (and leaking milk), we sleep on a doubled up towel in bed! Then I only have to throw the towel in the laundry and put a new one down, rather than changing sheets like twice a day, lol! I also put bibs on him when he's in his bouncy chair, and NEVER walk anywhere without a terry towel in my hand or over my shoulder. It'll pass, but I have a few months to wait yet.

Benjamin is starting to outgrow his 0-3 month clothes. I'm desperate for Neil to get the 3-6 month baby clothes box down from the loft because I know Benjamin will fit the vests and sleepsuits well now. His 0-3 ones are getting too tight, and some of the smaller ones plain don't fit at all now. I can't believe he's getting so big so fast!

The birth mark on his back is really flaring up, as they do. It will start to fade after he's 6 months old, but it's quite eye-catching at the moment! His stork marks on his forehead and face don't look to me like they're fading yet though.

He's so precious! He smiles and coos all the time. His eyes instantly get this soft happy look of recognition when he sees me, and it melts my heart. He coos and coos at me, and anyone who stands still and close to his face enough for long enough really. He has "talked" to Arthur and Matthew quite a bit now, and tried with Nathan too! He now coos long sentences, which is new this week. It's such a soft lovely little sound - music to my ears.

The boys continue to absolutely love him. Nathan is really taken with him. He's only 19 months old but he will rock the bouncy chair very carefully if Benjamin is crying in it, and stroke his head gently. He gives him kisses all the time (ALL the time), and so sweetly puts his own beloved Monkey and Blankie next to him, many times a day, even if he's sleeping.

Benjamin spends the day downstairs with me and the boys, and naps in the bouncy chair. He requires rocking in it pretty much throughout his naps, and if I stop then he wakes up, usually within 30 seconds! *sigh* In the evenings, he has settled into his own routine of going to sleep for the night between 9 and 9.30pm for some reason. The only bad thing is that he requires a lot of "help" to get there. He won't usually breastfeed to sleep, but wants to be walked and walked and walked and walked till he's in a deep enough sleep to put down without waking. He wakes when put down VERY easily, and we've tried all the tips to reduce the likelihood of that, but still he wakes, unless walked for at least 30 minutes straight. Neil does this, in the evenings, as I am absolutely unable by then! It's tiring, and eats up most of our evening, and Benjamin cries much of that time till he's finally asleep. But then he sleeps well till about midnight or 1am. It's early days, and I'm not too worried about it, even though it's a bit difficult. I'm looking at the positives and glad to see that he's got himself into a routine of sorts, regarding the time that he settles for the night each evening. Hopefully the settling bit will get less difficult, and then we can start "tweaking" his bedtime, a bit earlier and a bit earlier over time. Also with the day naps in the bouncy chair. I'm hoping he'll show me some sort of sleep-wake pattern (actually I think if I were to note his nap times then I'd SEE a pattern already) and then as he gets more and more in a habit of that, I can work with him on putting him down at those times and making it upstairs in a quiet room, flat on his back, rather than in the bouncy chair surrounded by noisy siblings! Today I took him upstairs to change his nappy (big poo) and then he was very irate (!) so I breastfed him on the bed to calm him down (semi-havoc took place downstairs meanwhile!), and to my surprise he went to sleep and stayed there for a couple of hours! When I peeked in over the afternoon, I was so much happier seeing him in that quiet room, all comfy on his back on a flat bed, than seeing him snoozing in the bouncy chair and trying to guard it from the boys crashing into it with their toys or knees, etc!

I bought Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, but OH MY GOODNESS it's so huge!!!! I am so put off reading it by the sheer size, and feel like I'll never find any time to read it! So I haven't yet. I am longing to find my copy of Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, because we only loosely followed that with Matthew (see the efforts hugely kicking in after an experience with a baby like Arthur for sleep, hehe!) and it worked great for us. I used the principles to get Nathan napping well too. Those two have always napped well (since then), but I'm hesitant to assign the glory to any particular method - they might just have been babies who were more likely to nap well. Benjamin seems a little like Arthur was (but not as bad - not many babies are as bad as Arthur was, and trust me, I am not bragging!) so maybe I will have to work harder with him? But WORK I will. I can't fathom going through the sleep traumas we went through with Arthur, and in any case it's no longer feasible with several other small children to care for. Things need to run more smoothly the more children I have, and I am no longer scared to try things! The No Cry Sleep Solution didn't help Arthur's sleep at ALL, so I confess I was so put off it that I didn't really use it with the other boys, though I still have the book. I have no desire to do crying-it-out (I hate it, actually), but will not discount the possibility of doing something involving crying to get to the point where we have a baby who is happy and getting enough sleep, and a mummy who is happy and getting enough sleep, and a routine that works well for our family, and little ones who have enough time with their mummy! I don't like full-on "leave 'em to cry till the end of nap time" type of things though - that just seems mean! Anyway, those are my thoughts on that. I feel very much more laid back this time, a bit more so each baby, which is nice! It HAS taken me at least 3 babies to become more laid-back about all the stuff there is to deal with, when having a baby and small children, though. I really believe it's hard to get to that point with fewer than 3 kids, but I know there are mothers out there (doing better that I was!) who do.

I know it's still early days, but I would definitely (so far!) add my vote to the MANY who say that it gets easier after the first couple of babies, and that adding the fourth has been the easiest transition of all of them so far. Without a doubt, seriously. But adding number two was overwhelmingly difficult, almost unbearable so, I remember. Considering most of the population only have two babies, I can see why it must seem scary to have any more! But (conversely?) it DOES get easier after those first two. And easier after the first three. And hopefully easier again and again, because I for one would happily have a dozen more babies yet, and hope my lovely husband will continue to feel happy to allow God to control our family size and not prevent pregnancy. And that God will continue to open my womb and bless us with more babies! Today was a difficult day with difficult children, but even so (and before bedtime, no less!) I sat thinking I would love ten more! I feel like this is exactly what I was meant to do, exactly what I have always wanted, and I have always wanted it because God has set it in my heart to desire it, because he intended it for me in the first place.

I have a lot to learn about the juggling of it all, and am falling waaaaay short still (and surely always will, since that's human nature after all!) - tonight I drank my water out of a pyrex measuring jug because there was nothing clean to drink out of - the house is in a complete and utter STATE, but I am spending time with my children, they are getting tickled and cuddled and read to, and nappies are getting changed (still 3 in nappies full-time at the mo), babies are getting their naps, most meals are being made (cereal and toast for dinner tonight though, shamefully!) by me from scratch, and the boys are getting to do a craft activitiy with me most days. I get down on the floor and play cars and trains and Duplo. They watch way too much TV still, but we are now back to playing worship music for a good part of the day instead, and reading from the Jesus Storybook Bible (thanks Shannon!) several times a day (at Arthur's request!). I'm there for the boys, but at the cost of the house (and the occasional meal). Everyone says it's okay to do that, and the kids are much more important, and I agree. But there is a line, surely?! We have nothing clean (laundry running this evening though) and the house is actually getting hazardous in the clutter on the floor, and yucky in terms of hygeine especially in the kitchen. I have left a message at that Molly Maid company TWICE now asking for an estimate but they haven't returned my calls, so I'm annoyed about that! We definitely want somebody to come and clean our home for this stage of our lives, so that I can maintain what I need to do with the boys, and start homeschooling properly (eek!), and settle a new baby into a routine, while we have the money to do so. But nobody will return my calls! Tsk! Will persevere, or find a different company maybe?

Anyway, I guess this is the final entry for this lovely pregnancy diary that I am SO fond of, for now. Boo-hoo! I love it here, and you can bet I'll be back. Whether God blesses us with another baby or not, I will be back. You know I go crazy and get all excited once my periods return, and I will want to write about that to keep track of them getting back to normal again (and thus nearer to being fertile again!). I'm filled with joy at the thought of God maybe blessing me to carry another baby inside me again, to experience all this wonderfulness all over again. I have been so blessed to have a healthy pregnancy and a lovely birth - OH! I haven't written the birth story!! I meant to do that before closing down here at 6 weeks.... Well, I have written the early labour part so far, but then haven't had chance since. I will finish that as soon as I can, and let's see... I will post it here when it's done and link to it in a blog entry at my main blog, so that you'll know it's here when I get around to posting it. Maybe I'll even post it there too? I don't know. Anyway, I will still close up here now, and just add the birth story as a "p.s." when it's done! I really want to write it and tell you guys how the birth went in more detail!

Also if the appointments tomorrow bring up anything unexpected then I will end up writing another post about that here too, but I'm just expecting everything to be run-of-the-mill and fine, so there will be nothing to write about really. I'll continue to update about Benjamin (amongst other things!) at my main blog from now on. I haven't had much chance to update there for a bit but I hope to get some blogging done again soon! And photos!

Talking of photos, I haven't posted nearly enough here of Benjamin since he was born! Here are some random ones to get vaguely up to date with his first 6 weeks! I haven't got the ones off the camera from the last week or so, but they'll have to go on the other blog as and when I get time. Here are the ones I DO have, though! :)

Benjamin asleep in "our" bed at night (hence grainy, but too cute not to photograph! I love the very-stretched-arms!) - 3 weeks and 2 days old:



Benji-boo-bean (yes, those cutesy nicknames again, hehe!) at 3 weeks old:



Benjamin with his daddy, 3 weeks old:



And here are a few photos of Nathan and Benjamin, in the same little "photo shoot" that I did where I got a lovely photo of all four boys together (which you can see here at my main blog. I didn't post these at the main blog, but I loved some of them. Nathan does seem to love Benjamin sooo! :)



Kisses! :)



Stroking Benjamin's head gently (he does this sort of limp-wristed style):



Nathan still fascinated by Benjamin, but Benjamin now completely fed-up of having photos taken, hehe!



This is a photo of what I found when I had to leave Benjamin crying in his Amby hammock (3 weeks old here too) to change Nathan's nappy and put him down for his nap. Benjamin screamed and screamed and forgot to breathe in and all that stuff that newborns do when they're super duperly angry and neglected! :S I had no choice though, and this is the first baby where I have not felt stressed out in this situation (yay!). Anyway, he screamed till I was almost done putting Nathan to bed and then suddenly stopped. When I went to get him, he was sucking his two middle fingers and sleeping! He looked so sweet, so I took a photo (ignore the goo in the corner of his eye which matches his sleepsuit, haha! I squirted that eye with breastmilk a few times over the next 24 hours and it was right as rain):



This last one is the most recent one I have got that's off the camera - he was 4 weeks and 5 days old here, so I have two weeks missing from this blog on the camera! :( But I'll try to upload those to my main blog soon. Here is Benjamin in his bouncy chair, just woken up from a lil nap (so slightly dopey looking!):



Thank you so much once AGAIN to all who have loved and supported me here through another pregnancy. Thank you for being excited with me for ANOTHER baby boy, and for leaving comments and cheering me on. Thanks for all the wise advice and all the many congratulations. I always appreciate these things so very much! Thank you most of all for praying me through this pregnancy, the birth, and the first few weeks. I love you!!

Thank you Lord for another healthy baby, another healthy pregnancy and precious birth experience. Thank you that I was able to have Benjamin at home, and your hand was upon him, and upon me too. Thank you for Heather, my doula, and the blessing that she was to us. I know you totally planned for her to be part of Benjamin's arrival. Thank you Father for BENJAMIN! I am overjoyed to see your promise to me coming true - the baby boy named Benjamin that you told me would come next even 9 months before he was conceived! Here he is, and I am unable to express my gratitude to you, Lord, and my joy at being his mother. I praise you for graciously timing Benjamin's conception and birth according to your plan, without any effort at controlling it from Neil and I. Thank you for the freedom that comes with trusting you! I ask you please Lord to bless us again, to open up my womb and enable me to conceive again, in your perfect timing. If it pleases you to bless me with a daughter or even a couple of daughters, then I ask that you would, please Lord! But you know I will be overflowing with joy to be the blessed mummy of FIVE sons if you choose that for us, in your wisdom! There isn't any "worse" scenario. Your plan is perfect and I embrace it with joy and thanksgiving! I love you Lord, and I thank you for your blessings! Help me parent these little ones well. I need you every moment of every day. I trust you, Lord. Amen.

Until next time, friends! xxx

Benjamin is One Month Old!!

It's the 9th, so that means it's Benjamin's very first "monthiversary"!! I can't believe a whole month has gone by already. It's late so I haven't got time to write ANYTHING tonight, but I couldn't let the day pass without acknowledging my tiny boy being a whole month old on my pregnancy blog! Not long till I have to close down here again :( I usually write till the baby has his 6-8 week check, which therefore ends the newborn stage. Waaah! My newborn is growing out of being a newborn ALREADY!!! I so heart having a newborn. *sigh* But, I adore my little ones, whatever stage they're at! I must confess to having a soft spot for under-2s though! ;)

I have been trying and trying to get Benjamin smiling on camera, and it's really hard! He smiles for me several different times each day, but the biggest and most readily available are first thing in the morning after I change him and feed him. Then I lay him back on my lap, cupping his head in my hands, or just on the bed in front of me. I lean my face in, and just talk to him (tooootally goo-goo talk!), and he seems to really like that. He smiles really big now, no longer just a little turning up of the corners of his mouth. He does big open-mouthed smiles for me. Nobody else has had a smile yet, but I'm sure it won't be long! Arthur's so eager to be smiled at, but he can't stand still long enough to wait for Benjamin to warm up to his talking and smile!

Benjamin has also started cooing at me with reeeeally concentrated effort. It's so cute! He says "aah-goo" and also "aaooohh", hehe! I love these first soft little carefully-formed communications with my babies. So precious!

Must go to bed. The week was exhausting and Benjamin isn't really sleeping well in the day at all. It's getting worse each day really, and the other little ones are not seeing much of me at ALL in the mornings especially, as I try to settle Benjamin for a nap. Otherwise he cries and cries and cries and cries (you get the picture!). Slings hurt my back and get in the way of attending to my other littles, and really I do just want him to nap in his bed. But anyway. Here's hoping for a slightly less stressy and exhausting week, and more attention for my other boys!

Here are a few photos I finally got yesterday morning of my tiniest boy smiling at me! The angle isn't great. The smiles looked better straight on (he was looking at me). But he's NEW and new babies only smile at their mama, and NOT the huge clunky black thing she's wearing on top of her head. But they're better than nothing as a "first smile on camera" collection, hey?! The first photo shows pretty well his "pre-smile" mouth, which is almost a smile, but more just a tension in the middle part of his lips (which I adoooore!) and a happy light to his eyes.









LOVE my baby boy!!!

3 weeks old already!

Soooo much to write, soooo little time! I can't believe I haven't written here since Benjamin was 12 days old, and now he's THREE WEEKS OLD! Yikes! Time is passing so quickly. Right now, it's Sunday so Neil is home. The boys are watching a movie while Neil prepares dinner (lovely husband!) and I am resting upstairs. Benjamin is sleeping in his Amby hammock, and when he wakes I breastfeed him, and then when he's asleep again I put him back in the hammock :) He does this a few times each day and the rest of the day he is AWAKE. His awake patches last 3 hours, and then he gets sleepy. I tried so many times to get him "back to sleep" after he woke up and nursed and then didn't want to go back to sleep, but I have realised that he is just alert and wakeful during those times and nothing I do can induce sleepiness for him at all! He has 2 or 3 of these 3-hour wakeful periods in 24 hours. It's BAD news if one of them falls during the night. Last night he started one at 4am, and I was so unbelievably thankful that it was Sunday and not a week day, because when he went off to sleep around 7am I was able to sleep too, and catch up a bit. If it had been a week day, I would have to get up at 7am to start the day with the boys! I'm really nervous about that happening one of these days during the week, which it seems like it might eventually. I am not sure how I'll function! But I'm sure I'll manage somehow.

I have so many photos to post! Benjamin is so precious. I love him so incredibly, it's amazing. I adore the newborn stage! :) It passes so fast though, because they grow and change so very quickly in the beginning. *sigh* One week from today, Benjamin will be a month old! The first month will be behind us, and I always find that a little bit sad when we reach One Month Old. I love snuggling a little flopsy newborn!

I am not sure how to write about everything I need to write about, with not much time to do so. The Amby is twitching and wiggling, hehe! Benjamin is stirring. But he often does and then continues sleeping.

So, I will try to vaguely bullet-point the news, otherwise I stand little chance of getting it all covered here! And I want to get on and post photos as well. I probably have too many of those for one entry but oh well.

I had to take Benjamin to A&E last week! Last week was the first week with Neil back at work, and my parents came over from France to stay with my grandparents and come over to help out with the boys every day. They came late morning to late afternoon each day, and they were such a big help! I'm so grateful! Tomorrow is the start of a new week, and it's the very first day I will be doing the "Mummy To Four Small Children" thing without any help. So, a tiny bit of me is nervous! But the rest of me is unusually confident. I am leaning on God so much more lately, and I know that is the only way to do it in any case! :) But, I think it could be hard, especially with a newborn and verrrrry difficult-ly behaved children (must find time for a seperate post on that in my main blog). But anyway, last week I did the mornings without help and it went fine for the most part. One morning I put Benjamin down on a mat on the floor in the living room and sat next to him to fold some laundry. Nathan was napping, and my parents were on their way over. Arthur had spent some time with Benjamin, just talking to him and stroking his head and being very affectionate with him. He does this any time he gets the opportunity, and also asks to hold him a lot. He's always telling me, "Aw, I love our little Benjamin!" :) Sweetie!

Anyway, Benjamin had actually fallen asleep on the mat! Arthur came across the room holding something in his hand to show me, and talking about it at the same time. He stepped RIGHT ON Benjamin, he was so busy talking and walking and not looking where he was stepping. I guess I didn't think to stop him as he came over because not for a millisecond did I ever think he would actually not remember his baby brother was on the floor next to me and stand on him! It was so awful. He stood all his weight on one foot right across Benjamin's little tummy (just under his ribcage) and even walked right onto the next foot before realising what he'd done! I sort of shrieked as he did it, totally involuntarily, and that scared him too, which I felt bad about afterwards. He just froze, and I froze, and then I recovered and grabbed my little one off the floor, and Arthur recovered and dove headfirst into the pile of laundry on the armchair to hide his face. I knew that meant he was horribly upset about it. Benjamin woke and cried hard immediately that Arthur stood on him. He was scrunching his body over and acting winded like he couldn't quite catch his breath to cry properly. I was so anxious, but he calmed down pretty quickly once I was holding him close and rocking him and shoooshing in his ear. After he calmed down a bit I put him to the breast to soothe him and he went back to sleep on the breast after a short while. Arthur meanwhile was completely distraught. He was sobbing and kept saying he felt bad. He couldn't look at Benjamin, poor love. I called him over and cuddled him in my free arm while I breastfed Benjamin in the other, and told him it was okay, that Benjamin was fine (which I was anxiously not sure about, but I told him so in a calm and cheerful voice anyway!), that I knew he would never want to hurt Benjamin and that I knew it was an accident. He still cried, and said he did not want me to tell Daddy, or anyone else. I told him Daddy would not be cross with him either.

Actually, Neil stepped on Benjamin when he was just over a week old! I breastfed him downstairs one evening sitting on the sofa, and then laid him asleep on the sofa next to me, while I did up my bra. Neil saw him there, but then after a bit he found an ant on his arm and leapt up to shake the ant out of the window, and stepped onto Benjamin's arm on the sofa! He only stopped because I did that same involuntary shriek and put my arm out to prevent him getting any closer. He felt so terrible, and said for some reason he simply forgot Benjamin was there. That's the same thing that Arthur said - he forgot he was there. Benjamin didn't even wake up when Neil stepped on his arm, but I got all hormonal and tearful and didn't want to take my eyes off him for the rest of the evening, even sleeping sweetly and flashing those cute little sleep smiles! *sigh* Anyway, so I told Arthur all about Daddy stepping on Benjamin because he forgot he was there, and how it was an accident and he'd felt so bad about it. So I told him Daddy would totally understand, and that made Arthur feel better. Poor little Benjamin though! Stepped on twice by family members in the first 3 weeks of his life! ;)

So he went to sleep and seemed fine, but I couldn't shake the anxiety over it, and eventually decided to phone NHS Direct for advice, just to be on the safe side. A nurse phoned me back and assessed him. He wouldn't respond to me stroking his face and seemed floppy, so the nurse was concerned and asked me to wake him up, even if I had to be quite vigorous to do so. He really didn't respond until I stripped him naked and kept moving him about, and even then he was very sleepy. I think he was just SLEEPY though, being in one of his good sleep cycles after a feed. He was a good colour, had no signs of swelling or bruising, and had not vomited or pooed since being stepped on. The nurse had me put pressure on his tummy in a certain way and he didn't respond to that so she felt he was okay, but given that he was only a couple of weeks old, she said I should take him to my GP today to be checked over. If the GP couldn't see me soon enough, I would need to take him to Accident and Emergency at the hospital. A bit after that, he semi-woke for another feed and then brought up a massive amount of milk (and clear fluid) a while afterwards. He is a very sicky baby as all mine seem to be, and brings up lots and lots of milk around the clock (fun, fun!), but this seemed a bit unusual even for him. I also realised that Neil had taken the minivan with the car seats and pushchairs, etc. inside, and so I had no method of getting Benjamin to a doctor or the hospital! So I phoned NHS Direct back and another nurse assessed him again, and said that I DID need to take him to A&E, however I could manage it. I had plans to put him in a sling and take him on the bus, but we couldn't find a bus route that would make that easy enough, and just as we were wondering what to do, Neil phoned from work to see how things were going. I told him what had happened, and he immediately arranged to come home from work so I could take the little one to the hospital, which was a relief!

So I took Benjamin in, and everything was fine - phew! I had to get a urine sample so that they could check it for blood, and I held him for 45 minutes, breastfeeding on and off, while he had no clothes from the waist down or a nappy on. I held a little pot with a funnel in front of his little bits the whole time, willing him to wee, hehe! Poor thing got such chilly legs :( But he did eventually wee, so much that the pot overflowed and filled the funnel! His wee was almost completely like water, clear and colourless! I was surprised by that. I guess he's WELL hydrated with all the breastmilk he's getting then! *I'm* struggling to stay hydrated enough, at the moment. But that urine sample certainly showed me why! ;) His sample was clear of blood or anything else dodgy, so that was good! While the doctor was talking to me (thankfully after he had a nappy on!) he did the most enorrrrmous poo which bypassed the nappy and went through his clothes (and mine, yuck!). So the doctor was able to check the poo as well, and it was blood-free. :)

He was really really really cross with doctors and nurses after that and just wanted to be left alone to sleep. He had been awake for hours on end and was tired of being poked and changed and too cold and too warm, etc. He cried too much for the doctor to feel his tummy properly, so I breastfed him to keep him calm while she checked him. Anyway I am so glad they said he seems fine and that they were not concerned, but that I'd done the right thing to bring him in. We were there for a few hours and I was SO glad of breastfeeding! It's so easy, and RIGHT THERE. I had no idea how long we would be at the hospital. If Benjamin got hungry or upset, I didn't have to worry about the time or where we were, I just immediately fed him or calmed him with the breast. So wonderful! :)

So that was a big event for little Benjamin! And poor Arthur! :(

Benjamin smiled at me for the first time yesterday - 3 weeks and 2 days old! Matthew was 3 weeks and 5 days old when he smiled for the first time, so I knew we were nearly at that magical time with Benjamin! I didn't quite expect it till nearer 4 weeks though, so it was such a precious and delightful surprise! I had had a long and exhausting night with him and was feeling a little frazzled and emotionally delicate, shall we say! So to hold him face to face with me and see him lock eyes with mine, get a sort of quizzical expression of recognition on his face and then his little mouth curve up into a little smile was EXACTLY what I needed right at that moment! :) He looks so beautiful when he smiles! His face looks very different. It suddenly lights up and fills with "personality" - it comes alive almost, as though that expression of personality was absent before the smile. Such a change, just with a little smile! I was on a high for the rest of the day :) He smiled at me again later in the day too! I can't wait till he's smiling BIG all the time at us - I know the boys will love it too! Arthur was so excited when I told him that Benjamin had smiled for the first time, and has spent much of today trying to get him to smile at him (he hasn't yet!).

Let's see, what else? Benjamin has had another growth spurt - the 3-week one, I guess. He nursed like crazy much of last week, so he was 2.5 weeks old when it started. He has calmed down somewhat, but he still pretty much nurses frequently around the clock all the time, like a sort of permanent growth spurt, haha! He does crank it up a notch when it's a REAL growth spurt though, but it's not a HUGE change in frequency since he's already going at it all the time anyway. He has changed in size these last few days. His hairline is starting to recede, as in, his head is starting to really grow and leave his little newborn hair behind! Also his face is filling out more, and he feels a lot heavier in my arms suddenly. He is also LONG, lately. He has fully outgrown all the newborn (up to 10lb) clothing and is fitting 0-3 month clothing well. Some of the 0-3 vests or sleepsuits are even a little snug on the torso length! A lady at the hospital commented on how he looked long for a 2-week-old, too.

Benjamin is my first baby to have newborn acne :( He has a ton of red pimply spots over his chest and round his neck, and they are starting to appear on his face and forehead now as well. He also has quite an extensive birth mark on his face (the stork mark over his nose, which extends into his eyelid on one side, through his nostrils (and out the other side!) and a little below his bottom lip!), and he has scratched his face with long fingernails a couple of times, so his poor little face looks a bit blotchy and spotty at the moment! He has also developed a birth mark on his back that wasn't there at his newborn check. I asked at the hospital if it was a birth mark, just to be sure. It's a circle made up of bright red dots and splotches, maybe just over a centimetre in diameter. The doctor reassured me that it was a birth mark, and that those are not present at birth, but develop shortly afterwards. They get more bright and obvious until about 6 months and then fade somewhat after that, but never completely go. His stork mark and associated bits should all fade almost to nothing, but may take a couple of years. I have stork marks too, and they still show up occasionally if I have a fever, get overheated, or lose my temper! Otherwise you can't see them, so I knew those marks on Benjamin would go. He also has a strawberry mark on the back of his neck at his hairline, about an inch long and wide. What a birth-mark-y boy! :)

I'm not sure about his eye colour now. His eyes are getting lighter, as they do at this age, but they're looking very much grey with maybe a leaning towards blue. Both Matthew and Nathan had BLUE eyes as newborns, albeit very dark, and they lightened up to blue very clearly. Matthew's eyes didn't go grey till 17 months. Arthur's eyes were dark grey at birth, and lightened up to a soft mid-grey. I was surprised to find (thank you Diary!) that they stayed that way till he was 4 months old, when suddenly he developed a couple of "splotches" of brown on top of the grey. When Matthew was born, Arthur was 19 months old, and his eyes were mostly brown covering the grey, with just a small area of grey still remaining. He still has a tiny little grey part of one iris, but otherwise brown eyes. I didn't realise it took a while for them to change from grey to brown, so maybe Benjamin's eyes WILL still go brown. He has the grey eyes to start with, after all. But everyone else is saying they think his eyes will go blue, since they're lightening up and NOT looking brown yet. Time will tell, I guess!

Okay, photos! It's nearly 11pm and I need to get some sleep for my Very First Day as a stay-at-home-mummy of 4 little boy persons under the age of 5! I'm more nervous than I was earlier, when I started this entry. I am going to pray and then go to bed! I really need God's help for tomorrow.

Tiny boy sleeping at 9 days old:



Teeny little hand in mine! *swoon*



Little hand again...



Tiny feeties! :)



First time on his new activity play mat, at 10 days old:





Snoozing (somewhat posed by Mummy, haha!) at 11 days old:



This was taken at 2 weeks and 3 days old - a rare photo with me in it (not that it's particularly flattering, as I hadn't yet brushed my hair or got dressed for the day or anything!) - Neil really doesn't take many photos now that our only working camera is my big scary one!



Benjamin not being appreciative of Arthur's love! He was tired of being held here:



Here are a few photos of Benjamin waking up from a little snooze at 2 weeks and 5 days old - these are for Shannon! Thanks for the cute little American vests, Shannon! :)

Snoozing...



Biiiig waking-up stretch...



Followed by immediate rooting - "There must be a breast here somewhere..."! ;)



Big yawn!



I have more! But I have to go. Oh, I almost forgot! I had an appointment on Thursday at the Registry Office to register Benjamin's birth! I love those occasions! :) I took Benjamin with me, just carried him in (from the car) in my arms, and nursed him during the appointment, and he was soooo beautifully behaved! Not that babies "behave" or "don't behave", you know, but anyway! He was so quiet and alert, or else just feeding :) Nathan napped - I put him to bed right before I left, and he woke within 5 minutes of getting home, so that was a blessing! He wasn't too happy with my parents until the last day they were here, so it worked out well that he didn't know I was gone. My parents watched the older two boys while I was gone. It's lovely to say that he was born at home, and give my address for the place of his birth! I remember being excited about that with Matthew when I registered his birth! :) So now he is official, on record! Benjamin Isaac, son number 4! Yay! :) I'm so blessed!!!

I finally got the first photos of all four boys together this afternoon, and some of them came out well, so I will probably post those on my main blog soon, when I get chance. I'm really pleased to have photos of all my little boys together at last!! :) Will update here again soon, when I can! MUST get my birth story written soon too. I have actually started it, but haven't got very far yet!

Also, thank you for the comments last entry! xx

12 days old!

Time is passing so quickly! I'm sure Arthur never got to 12 days old so incredibly fast!!! The more babies you have, the faster the time seems to fly! At least, that's my experience anyway.

Benjamin is doing great. The midwife who delivered him came on Sunday and discharged us - she was very pleased with him and didn't even feel the need to weigh him again prior to discharging him! She said he hadn't lost much of his birthweight and she could see he has grown already since she weighed him at 5 days old, so she was happy. She also knew the Health Visitor was coming to do her first visit the next day, and he would get weighed then. I found it a bit sad (as I always do!) to be discharged by the midwife, because that's the end of seeing them and and thus the end of the lovely lovely pregnancy/birth/new baby bit which I love so very much! They always say something along the lines of "see you next time!" as they cheerfully wave goodbye! It always feels bittersweet for me, but I love the fact that they are so very accepting of the fact that I hope to be seeing them again sometime in the next year or so every time, hehe! ;)

So on Monday (yesterday) the Health Visitor came round. She's a student HV, and I haven't met her before - she was very nice. She weighed and measured Benjamin, and he now weighs 9lbs 1oz, which puts him at the 75th percentile, as did his birth weight. She gave me his new red healthcare book - I have a drawer full of red books with blue dots on the cover (blue dot for boy), hehe! I'm always excited about getting the red books because I love seeing their measurements on the charts and look forward to filling in the details on the pages where you can write when they first smile and crawl and lift their arms to be picked up, etc. And their teeth - the order they come in and when. I love that stuff! :) I'm still adding to the other boys' red books as their development continues, though Arthur obviously has all his teeth (and Matthew too), and has finished all the developmental stuff in the book.

Benjamin was never measured at birth, length nor head circumference, and I like to know these things, so I was glad she measured him! I know he'll have grown since birth, even in just 12 days, but still it gives an idea of what he might have measured at birth. His length was 54cm (22 inches I think), which also puts him at the 75th percentile (nice and well-balanced!), and I think he must have been my longest newborn yet, as well as my heaviest! The little boys were both 48/49cm at birth (even though Nathan was born 6 weeks earlier than Matthew was!), and Arthur was 51cm at birth. I think Benjamin must have been 52cm long, or maybe a bit more, so 21 inches. His head circumference measured 38cm yesterday, and the HV measured it again just to be sure she had it right (which she did). His head circumference is on the 91st percentile! Nothing like little Matthew, who has the teeniest head of all the brothers! Matthew's head didn't measure 38cm till 7 weeks old, hehe! ;) Arthur has always had the bigger head shape, but even his head was 36.2cm at this age! Benjamin doesn't strike me as having a huge head, but then he's bigger in general than the others, both length and weight, so maybe it's just that he's more in proportion for a larger head?! Anyway, he's a healthy weight and size, and growing nicely :)

His eyes are starting to lighten up, but staying grey. They are a sort of mid-grey now, not light grey yet. I don't know what to think about what his eye colour will settle on in the end! I will just have to watch and see - how fun! :)

Little man is feeding very well indeed! He doesn't go more than a couple of hours between feeds, and often lately he is not going an HOUR between feeds even. He wakes frequently at night, sleeping in blocks of maybe 1-2 hours between waking to feed. It has been a few days in a row that he's been waking so frequently around the clock, so I'm thinking growth spurt. Typically, babies do have a growth spurt at around 10 days old. He started feeding a bit more frequently (he was already going at it before then!) at 7 or 8 days old, which I assumed was the start of his growth spurt because my other babies have had their "10-day" growth spurts at 7/8 days old too. But, he's 12 days old now, and still it continues! He's one hungry boy!

I have a ton of milk, as always. I feel very blessed to have that happen so easily for me, and I know he's getting perlenty. He is weeing and pooing loads, and has only had one blow-out (at night, of course! ;) ). He pees on me/the bed/himself regularly when I'm trying to wipe him during a nappy change, hehe! I think my milk supply has increased these last two days because he's bringing up a lot of milk after each breast today and yesterday. I just have a bunch of terry towels on hand at night - we sleep on them even! I leak like crazy and he brings milk up a lot, and between us we go through half a dozen towels every night, and then a whole load more during burpy times in the day!

He's waking now (he's in the Amby hammock)d so I will pause this for a bit and go and snuggle my tiny love and give him some more milky :)

Okay, sweet lil man is at my breast and I am propped up in bed all comfy with my laptop next to me, and have one arm free! :) So I will continue till he's finished. He does feed quickly, because my milk flows fast. Oh, that reminds me of something I've been meaning to note here - Benjamin is the first of all my babies to be a bit clever with the flow of milk! From 2 days old (when my milk came in), I have had a strong let-down like I have done with my other babies. All three of the older boys have automatically tried to keep up with the flow when it kicks in, and they gasp and swallow as fast as they can while their little eyes get wider and wider, until finally they choke and need consoling! Benjamin hasn't done that at all. I noticed the first time I had a strong let-down (it hurts quite badly for me, when my milk lets down), that he immediately stopped sucking, but didn't take himself off the breast. He waited, really still, with his eyes looking this way and that, all focused. I knew the milk would be filling his mouth up, and when it was full, that's the point at which he swallowed it and then resumed sucking! I was really amazed at that, probably mainly because all my other babies have just frantically tried to keep up until they choked on the milk before it had chance to slow down. It's just that it seemed instinctive with Benjamin somehow, to stop and wait the fast flow out without de-latching. I don't know how he knew to do that! I was really impressed with my tiny boy! :) He does it every single time, just waits out the fast flow, and as it dies down, swallows what milk has filled his mouth and resumes. He has not choked on my fast let-down of milk once! By 12 days old, all the others had done a lot of choking! ;) Eventually they got bigger and seemed more able to cope with the fast flow - maybe Benjamin is coping better with it because he's bigger?? I don't think that's it though - he's not THAT much bigger, and he's actually doing something different to the others which is helping him deal with it really well.

Okay it's much later now - the boys are all in bed and Benjamin is asleep too in the Amby hammock. He seems fine in there. I put him in it once he's well asleep, at the moment, and he stays for the duration of his short-ish blocks of sleep until he wants another feed. He sometimes fusses a little in his sleep, as though he might wake any moment, but then stays asleep after all. I don't know if that's the Amby helping him though, or just how he is during his sleep. At night he sleeps next to me in bed.

Benjamin has had what seems to me like some low wind pain tonight. He has been doing such a sad hurty cry and arching his back and bunching his legs up :( I hate seeing him hurting, and his cry makes ME want to cry! His poor little face goes so pitiful and sad looking as he cries. I have bicycled his legs and rubbed his tummy and held him and cuddled him and jiggled him and breastfed him. He's asleep for now, but I don't think he'll stay asleep for long if he has some wind that he hasn't passed yet. Or maybe it's a big poo that's bothering him? His little bottom is a bit sore too at the moment. I had started using sensitive wipes when changing his nappy, but I'm back on the water and cloth wipes in case it's the non-cloth wipes that are bothering his bum.

He had his first bath today!! Yes, I know he's 12 days old! ;) We don't have a baby bath - well, we do, it's in the loft, but it's HUGE and cumbersome and just a pain to use, so we are not using it this time around. We barely used it at all after Arthur, actually. I think I bathed Matthew in the bathroom sink when he was tiny! And Nathan I used one of the clear plastic tubs that we store toys in! Much easier :) But, we only have one of those boxes left now (the others broke), and it's full of toys in the cupboard, so... I ordered a Tummy Tub for Benjamin and hopefully it will arrive soon. Today I bathed him in the (clean!) bathroom sink. I have washed his hair much earlier on, but just washed him rather than bathed him. His cord stump is totally healed now, having fallen off at 4 days old, and the last little scab came off during his bath. It now looks like a proper tummy button - all healed up and normal skin colour! I can't believe how fast it healed! It's SUCH a cute little inny! I just want to kiss it! :) Arthur is pleased with his brother's new tummy button. He found the cord part a bit ewwy! :)

Benjamin rather surprised me with his bath! He's my very first baby not to cry or scream at ALL during his first bath! What a nice surprise! He just sat there with my arm supporting him while I washed him, looking around and making these fast little breathing sounds and "eh eh eh" noises as though he was somewhat concerned at this new environment, but not outright panicking enough to get upset! He was less "eh eh eh"-y if I talked to him constantly and told him what a GOOD BOY he was being in his first bath! :) What a sweetie pea pie. *sigh* I love him sooooo! After I bathed him I wrapped him up and washed his hair over the sink, and he was very calm for that too. All my other babies have screamed the place down from the first instant they touched the water - no, before that - when they were undressed! They didn't stop screaming till they were dressed again on the other side of the traumatic experience! Benjamin is so different with his baths and that's lovely :)

Let's see, what else? Oh I had a blocked duct! I got a very sore bruised feeling on the underside of one of my breasts and it was really distracting after a while. I phoned Heather to ask her advice, because she's an almost-fully-trained breastfeeding counsellor. I had no redness or hot patches, and felt well, so it didn't seem like mastitis at all, but it was pretty sore to the touch. It also hurt like crazy when my milk let down, and felt "lumpy" although there was no actual isolated lump. Heather thought it was a blocked duct and gave me a ton of things to do. I also researched online about mastitis in case it turned into that, so I'd know about it in advance. I used hot and cold compresses, dunked it in warm water (!), and basically nursed Benjamin as often as I could from that side. I massaged it both when breastfeeding and when not, and I breastfed in as many different positions as I could think of, lol! I spent the whole first night breastfeeding over Benjamin on all fours, every time he woke to feed, haha! It was no better (but no worse) the next day, and during the following night, but when I woke the next morning I had no pain at all, hooray! I'm really glad it cleared up without turning nasty. I have since had some bruisey lumpiness in the other breast in a different place, which cleared up pretty quick, and today I've noticed a little of the same back in the same place. I'm wondering if it's to do with my milk supply increasing dramatically maybe? I do go up MANY cup sizes after my milk comes in, so maybe the breast tissue is just finding that irritating or something?! I don't know.

Well, I can't think of much else right now, but I DO have a few more photos! These were all taken at 5 days old, so they're a week out of date now - oops! I haven't taken photos every day or anything, but I've taken some more in the last few days that I haven't uploaded yet. Still no photos of the boys all together (except for the few I posted last entry). I'll get to that eventually! I'm trying to start thinking about getting some good photos for a birth announcement, but I'm not doing too well so far! Here are the few I took when Benjamin was 5 days old. These first two are sweet but a little odd to me, because he doesn't actually LOOK like that at all! It's so weird how I took these photos of him and they came out looking not much like him, even though they're of HIM! ;) Weird. Anyway, his little face doesn't actually look this way at all, but here he is all the same, hehe!





Another one of Benjamin, with my hand in it this time! I decided that he looked way too big in the photos, like it wasn't too clear that he's actually TEENY TINY, so I took a photo of me stroking his little face for a bit of perspective! See, he's tiny! :) He's making a face that turns my heart mushy - as he feels my hand on his face he scrunches up and starts to turn his face to root for the breast. This is the very start of him doing that. His little face is so soft and tiny. He makes my heart melt!



A bit later on, downstairs this time - I just took these to capture another of Benjamin's favourite expressions - the little 'O' mouth :) He often looks around with his mouth like a teeny little 'O' shape, with his eyes all big, as though the world is just an astounding place to be, hehe! The second photo is where he suddenly looked up at me with the camera. I like it because it's like he's saying, "What you doin'?!" :)





The obligatory "Mr. Bump" sleepsuit photo, hehe! All the boys have worn this little bright green Mr. Bump sleepsuit that I won at eBay before Arthur was born! I just love it. It's size newborn (up to 10lbs) so they outgrow it pretty fast. I will have to dig up photos of the other boys wearing it to compare!



And here is why Mama needs a kingsize bed to herself when she has a new baby, haha! ;)



The baby and I fill it right up, what with all the pillows and nappies and burp cloths and changes of clothes and wipes and rolled up blankets to wedge the boy when I'm breastfeeding him, and so on and so on! I have everything I need right there on the bed, for day time and night time, and it's the best way to do it, BUT there really is no room for Daddy! :) He's sleeping in the boys' room on the futon on the floor right now, to keep everyone settled if Benjamin's crying wakes them, and also to get better sleep without all of Benjamin's night wakings affecting him. By the time the sleep is more settled, we won't need all that stuff on the bed and there will be room for Daddy again :)

Okay that is all! Benjamin has stayed asleep better than I expected, although he has been stirring on and off for a while now. Oh but I just looked through my Photobucket albums and found pics of the other boys in the Mr. Bump sleepsuit! :) Here they are (and Neil and I were really amazed at how much Nathan looks like Benjamin in the one of him with Arthur! Neil thought it WAS Benjamin at first!) - the one of Matthew isn't a good one, but it's the only one with him wearing the sleepsuit. Arthur was zonked after a huge breastfeed in his photo, hehe!

Nathan



Matthew



Arthur



I'll update again soon! Thanks for the comments! I love reading them! :)

Six days old (nearly!)

Well, this is definitely the way to do it! If God blesses us with any more babies, I will definitely be spending the first two weeks pretty much in bed with my new tiny person again. Soooo different to the other times when I haven't done that! It helps that I've had a homebirth though - I find it exhausting and a bit traumatic having to "come home" when I have had a hospital birth.

Heather came round yesterday and brought the notes she wrote during my labour, which she has typed up for me. They were a really interesting read and I'm so glad she wrote them because they'll really pad out my own birth story when I get around to writing it. There's helpful detail in there that I wouldn't have remembered, and also TIMINGS! She wrote exact timings next to everything she wrote - how helpful! I am eager to write my birth story and tell everyone about my birth experience with Benjamin! But as much as I want to, it's not top of my priority list right now, so I will get to that in a while.

Benjamin is doing really well. He's six days old, so he is now at the end of the period for early onset GBS disease. 80% of GBS disease cases occur as early onset GBS so that's reassuring! Late onset is high risk, and can occur anywhere from a week old up to 3 months of age, but is rare after 1 month of age. Benjamin is healthy and all his observations have been normal. I am mainly just "keeping an eye" on him, although I did take his temperature on the first night. He's so alert and hungry, and healthy, so I am not worried. Every day I pray Psalm 91 and Isaiah 43:1-3 over him, and I trust God so I am not anxious about anything GBS-related. I prayed before he was born that he would not even pick up GBS on his way out, and I have no way of knowing whether he did or not, but I am trusting God that he doesn't even have any trace of GBS about his body to give him any potential of GBS disease in the first place. My waters didn't break till his head was coming down in the second stage (2 minutes before he was born, according to Heather's notes!), so that gives him excellent protection against the GBS in any case (exactly as I prayed for! Thank you Lord!).

Benjamin's cord stump came off in the night, the night before last, so he was 4 days old. The midwife came that next day and was surprised that his cord was off already, but it seems to be what my babies do, I am not sure why! Arthur's came off the latest, at 6 days old I think. I can't remember which was which now, but Matthew and Nathan were 4 days old and 5 days old. I love that my babies lose their cord stumps nice and early! The clips get in the way and Benjamin's cord was just beginning to get a little bit stinky the day before it came off. It's healing nicely and I can see he is getting a nice little inny tummy button already :)

He hasn't had any trace of jaundice, but then I'm not surprised with the amount he's feeding! He has started to settle more at night, which I'm so thankful for! I really was not getting ANY sleep at night because he was on the breast or fussing and crying the whole night, and I couldn't get comfy even side-lying with him to breastfeed in bed. We have his Amby baby hammock set up but he isn't as crazy about it as I expected him to be from alllll the reviews that rave about all babies being instantly calmed by being in it! He basically doesn't like being in it if he's awake, lol! He screams and screams till I pick him up, and he prefers to snuggle with me in my bed. If I'm holding him and he has fallen asleep and is completely unconscious, then I can put him in the Amby and he'll sleep an hour or two in there, and not be irate when he wakes up, so long as I get him fairly quickly because he's always ravenous when he wakes up! At the moment I am really happy to co-sleep with him, but I will persevere with the Amby as well, because that will be his bed for the first year and I'm sure he'll get used to it and love it in the end. We won't be buying a cot for him, so that's his bed! It's a sweet little bed too! Here are some photos of Benjamin in his Amby hammock at 5 days old:





I am starting to put a few things in place to make things go more smoothly. Things feel so much more instinctive this time. I feel like I totally know what I'm doing (note: this does not mean I actually DO know what I'm doing, haha!) which is different to the other times. With each baby I am getting more experienced and confident, and feel like I have more knowledge than with the previous baby, and that's a good way to feel. Everything is second nature, and I do much of it on auto-pilot, which seems strange to me when I stop and think how hard it was to do those things or even think of doing them, when it was my first baby! I like that I'm in this place this time, it feels good! :)

I have the lights off at night now, even though I kind of need them on here and there to change nappies or mop up milk, etc. I keep totally quiet at night with Benjamin. He now sleeps between feeds next to me, having breastfed to sleep and burped in between sides. I don't change his nappy unless he's wet through or has pooed. He doesn't go a whole night without wetting through everything, so the night has a nappy change or two, but that's soooo different to how it was with the others! For some reason I was changing them with every feed! I am not sure why now, although I remember needing to change them more at night with the cloth nappies at this stage, until I found a combination that worked better for the heavy wetting they did! Benjamin wore the traditional cute little size 0 Kissaluv cloth nappy after he was born, and has worn a few more since, but otherwise is in disposables. I'm wiping him with cloth wipes though - I much prefer those! He's in size newborn disposables (size 1 Tesco's own!) but the absorbency seems to be a little thin for him today, so I've put him in a size 2 just now, which seems to fit him really well. That has a weight range of 6-12lbs so it's probably just right for him really.

Around 8am (whenever I am awake feeding him nearest that time) I get up and open the curtains to let the daylight in, even if Benjamin continues to sleep. The first time he's awake from around that time, I breastfeed him one side and then after I burp him, I hold him nearer to the window and just engage him, chatting to him and letting him see my face clearly. He goes very calm and still and alert. This usually sparks him to be quite wakeful after that, and I have started to take him downstairs (now that I'm venturing down there!) to see different things and let the boys see him for a while. He is so calm and takes things in. When he starts to root again, I take him back upstairs and let him have the other breast, and then he is tired from being awake for a while (sometimes more than an hour) and zonks right out for a couple of hours again. I encourage him to have a couple of alert times like that during the day time, and otherwise let him nurse to sleep. So, I'm hoping this will help "set his clock", so to speak - to give his days and nights a sense of rhythm which will hopefully help us settle into a good healthy routine quicker.

Oh, I nearly forgot to say! When Benjamin was born, they weighed him on the scales and he weighed 3940g. It always annoys me that they don't weigh in pounds and ounces! I never have a clue what the grams mean! So I asked them what that meant in lbs and oz, and they didn't have their conversion chart with them. They said they'd let me know when they visited the next day - aaaargh!!! A new mama can't rest not knowing the birth weight of her new baby to tell all the relatives! Tsk! So I phoned my parents and told them his weight in grams, and Daddy tried to convert it online for me, and got 8lbs 9oz. So, then I announced to the whole world that my baby boy was born at home weighing 8lbs 9oz, and how surprised I was that he was so big!

It turns out that Daddy's conversion was wrong! I have since looked at Benjamin's notes and they say 8lbs 11oz! So I checked online at various baby weight conversion charts, and he DEFINITELY weighed in at 8lbs 11oz at birth! Wowsers. I mean, I know there are much heavier newborns out there, but I am still boggled to have birthed such a big baby, for me! I never would have imagined he would weigh this much when he was born! I was guessing at 8lbs exactly, and hoping he wouldn't be more. I'm just so glad I didn't know BEFORE giving birth, haha! It would have made me nervous, but I'm feeling even more proud of myself for the birth now that I know how big he was, hehe! I know women give birth to heavier babies every day, but I'm so LITTLE! Really. My frame is definitely petite, and also Arthur was already the heaviest baby on both sides of the family (Neil's too!) for as many generations back as we know baby weights for! So it just all round SURPRISED me to have an 8lb 11oz baby! He's so much bigger than my other babies, and a whole lb heavier than Matthew was. I think Nathan would have been about 8lbs 8oz if he had been born around his due date though. Phew! What a big boy! I still can't believe it. The weird thing is though, he seems such a TEENY TINY little peanut to me! I hold him all scrunched up in a sleeping ball in my arms and my heart turns to mush (it is permanent putty these days) and I just marvel at how TINY he is. So, his weight means nothing to me really.

When the midwife weighed him again yesterday (he had his heel prick test then too), he had lost 100g (down to 8lbs 7.5oz) so that's not bad really. Arthur had lost waaaay more than that at this stage, but he wouldn't feed very well at that age so that's probably why. I have to take him to the baby clinic at the hospital this afternoon (ugh, NOT what I wanted to do!) for his newborn check. In the past my babies have either had that done in the hospital when I've had hospital births, or with Matthew the GP came out for a home visit to do his newborn check. Apparently GPs are doing that less and less now, and there's a new baby clinic set up at the hospital maternity unit for this to be done. It's supposed to be done within the first 72 hours after birth - is that not CRAZY to make a new mother drag herself and her tiny baby to the hospital within 72 hours of giving birth?!?!!? Tsk, it annoys me so much! But anyway, it's only on weekdays, and THANKFULLY he was born close to the weekend, so Monday was the first chance I had. I forgot about it, and subsequently got told off by the midwife, who then booked me an appointment for today right here in my bedroom on her mobile phone! ;) So I have to take him to that. I didn't think I would feel up to going out so soon, but the total rest thing that I've been doing (and total NON-involvement in childcare, except to cuddle and sing to and chat with my little boys) has made a huge difference in how quickly I'm regaining my strength and such. So I feel okay to drive to the hospital and take him for his appointment. I have been noticing a real change in how much stronger I feel each day, since the day after he was born. It's encouraging because before he was born I was expecting to feel pretty wiped out for most of the 2 weeks Neil was off work, and then maybe as the 2 weeks came to an end, I might start to feel stronger (hopefully!). But it has been much better. I think it has a lot to do with having given birth at home, but also the rest thing. I had no intention of doing anything around the house in that time, and Neil was happy with that too. But the other day I put Benjamin into his Amby during the afternoon because he was already asleep, and instead of feeling pooped from just having stood upright holding him for a while, I didn't! And so I could have lay down and rested, but for the first time I looked around the room and saw a ton of mess that I didn't like. So I spent just 5 minutes maybe, pottering slowly around and picking things up. I sorted the dirty laundry on the floor into loads, just sitting down on the floor. And then I tidied the surface of the double chest of drawers, which was looking untidy. That's all I did, but it made such a difference to how the room looked.

My grandparents visited on Day 3 with flowers from their garden in a sweet little vase, and I put that on the chest of drawers and it gave the room such a nice TIDY sophisticated look! ;) I rarely see such pleasures in my very cluttered and untidy house! I need to see it as inspiration and work on getting the whole house in that state (NOT during the postpartum period, don't worry!). Neil says he's decided to try to tidy the whole house while he's on paternity leave. I hope he doesn't set his expectations too high - it's a LOT of work and he has the boys all day too (which is also a lot of work!). He has been feeling down about the state of the house and the boys' behaviour so I think he's feeling motivated now to work on that. I have set myself a little mini goal to gradually pick at the bedroom I'm in over the 2 weeks, picking up a little bit each day or every other day, until it's (hopefully) totally tidy by the time Neil goes back to work. That would be lovely! Although, just now I did clean the bathroom sink. It didn't tax me, the sink was DISGUSTING and I could see Neil was not getting chance to clean it, and it took very little time to do. And now it's shiny and hygenic again! Yay! :) I didn't tell Neil though - he might tell me off! ;)

What else to say? Benjamin has my fingers, exactly! They are little mini versions of my own. Arthur has my fingers as well, but I don't think Matthew does. Nathan seems to have some of mine and some of Neil's! Benjamin's eyes are a dark murky grey, and Heather thinks that means they'll turn brown. I am wondering the same, but I guess it's too early to tell yet. Arthur has been telling me since Benjamin was born that he hopes his new brother has brown eyes like him, because he's feeling left out being the only one in the house with brown eyes! I told him he gets his brown eyes from Nana, so he shares that with her, and he was pleased that he wasn't so alone after all, hehe! But he really hopes Benjamin has brown eyes. We have the full range here - Arthur has brown eyes, Matthew's are now a greyish green, and Nathan's are blue as blue can be - so any babies we have could really have any eye colour. I think that's so exciting, because I love waiting to see what eye colour the new baby will have this time, each time we have a baby! :) I hope Benjamin has brown eyes too. I didn't have a preference at all before, but with Arthur's longings, and looking at Benjamin and thinking how scrummy he'd look with dark eyes, it makes me hope a little that he really might have brown eyes! I love all eye colours so it doesn't matter really. I think Matthew and Nathan DID have dark/slate blue eyes as newborns, and theirs both lightened to blue. Matthew's didn't turn grey till 17 months, and only turned to green a few months ago. But Arthur's eyes were always dark and murky, and never any sort of shade of "newborn blue". They were a dark grey when they lightened up a bit, but turned brown quite quickly I think. Benjamin's seem similar, so I'm thinking they might go brown.

Well, my tiny man will be waking up soon - he's asleep next to me on the bed as I type this, and has been for maybe 1.5 hours or so. I think he has filled his nappy actually so I should go! I have more photos so I need to come back and post those soon. Here are a few to be getting on with:

These two are both grainy and "noisy" as they were taken in next to no light at night time. I knew they wouldn't come out too well, but the cuteness was SO that I couldn't resist anyway! ;) In the first one, Benjamin is clasping his hands in his sleep, and I thought it was so sweet!



I love this photo. I wish cameras would take photographs like my eyes see the scene, because the light was GORGEOUS and made the picture, but the camera wouldn't translate :( Oh well. He just looked sooooo beautiful to me, sleeping there with his little face upturned. I am soooooo completely and utterly besotted. I had a day (Day 3 I think) of feeling weirdly weepy about absolutely nothing - seriously, I am so blessed, I have absolutely nothing to be sad or anxious or emotional about at ALL this time. But I felt like crying all day all the same. I knew it was just the hormones plummetting (!!) or whatever it is they do at that stage, as my milk had just come in full force the day before. So I tried to fix my eyes on God and keep positive and not dwell on the way I was feeling. Buuuut it got the better of me all the same by the evening and I was crying about having to say goodbye to my doula (literally the ONLY negative thing there was to latch onto, lol!)! Turns out my doula loves me and wants to stay in touch and visit and so on, and I'm soooo happy about that! :) But the very next day after the weepy thing, the hormones had swung the other way and I've been in Baby LaLa Land ever since, ridiculously elated, incredibly besotted with my baby, and unable to stop gazing at him or kissing his cheeks. I hope I don't chap them. I seriously kiss him that much! ;) He's just gorgeous and I'm so in love. Here he is looking perfect:



And lastly, here are three photos from my first attempt to capture all 4 (FOUR!!!) of my boys together! They're not great, but they deserve posting anyway because it's a First. Arthur is really in love with his new brother. He wants to see him and stroke him and hold him all the time. He talks in a soppy voice to him, and talks constantly about how he loves his new baby Benjamin. It's so sweet! He's behaving very difficultly (word?!) and seems angry about some stuff, but is adoring of his new brother and very gentle with him. He's at his calmest and happiest when he's with Benjamin, and even obeys me completely (unheard of previously!) when he's around him. Matthew is less interested in general, but he does want to see Benjamin a lot, and always looks at him for a while before saying to me, "He's so cute!" - he says this every time :) He also seems happy WITH Benjamin but is definitely having some issues otherwise, so is adjusting with a little difficulty. The look he gives in one of these photos says it all really. I think out of the three, he's having the least joy over having a new baby brother. But Arthur was the exact same way when HE was three and it was Nathan who was the new baby brother, so I know he'll settle down and be okay eventually. Nathan seems completely unaffected by becoming a big brother (I can't believe my tiny Nathey is a big brother!!), but that's just as it has been for all my one-and-a-half year olds when they become big brothers. It's a GREAT age gap, seriously. Nathan loves to see Benjamin, and is intensely interested in him. He would rather see Benjamin than anything else he was previously doing, even his favourite toys or activities. He stops whatever he's doing and comes over with a huge smile to point (poke!) at all Benjamin's facial features, and to give him kisses. He gives Benjamin sooo many kisses! It's so precious. He even likes to watch him breastfeed, and I'm glad he's so relaxed and happy about it because he self-weaned a couple of months ago and I have never had a new baby where the next sibling up wasn't still breastfeeding, so I didn't know how that would go. But it's fine. Nathan does not want to breastfeed, seeing Benjamin doing it, so I guess he's truly 100% weaned :( I still wish he'd nursed till age 2, but oh well!

So, here are the few photos of the boys (and Neil's arm!):





I have lots more of Benjamin, taken in the last couple of days (mostly yesterday), but I will have to upload those another time. It's evening now and I didn't get chance to finish this post before it was time to take Benjamin to the baby clinic, so I must get it posted now! The baby clinic went great - I wore him in the Baby Bjorn rather than hoist the car seat or pushchair out of the car, and he slept in it until it came time for his examination. He's doing great, everything checked out fine. He peed on the doctor, haha! ;) He has an extensive "stork mark" birth mark on his forehead (which you'll probably have noticed from some of the photos), which extends over his right eyelid, and through his nostrils from inside. That will fade, but it may take a couple of years to do so completely. I also had a stork mark as my birthmark, and it still shows up very occasionally if I get overheated or have an angry outburst or something! Benjamin also has a strawberry mark (another birthmark) on the back of his neck, but it's within his hair so it shouldn't be noticeable. I have another midwife visit on Friday, but I'm not sure if that will be the last one or not.

I'm recovering well, physically. I had a second degree tear and stitches, and those are (as usual for me) healing very quickly without much pain or bother at all. The midwife told me I had a lot of bruising and swelling and that pretty much went away on Day 3. I really haven't had a lot of bother from anything except for the afterpains, which were horrible for 3 days, and then all of a sudden faded right off. I still notice the tiniest shadow of a crampy feeling occasionally when I'm breastfeeding, but it's all but gone. My uterus is well contracted and I can feel it about half way between my tummy button and my pubic bone. I'm always sad when it disappears back where it belongs! :( I do so love being pregnant.

Okay, definitely going! I will try to post again soon, to say how things are going and to post more pics!