Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Back from my 20 week scan!!!



Ahhh, the big question! ;) Which I will tell you the answer to in JUST A MINUTE! I have no time to post much, but just to say the scan went well! I can't tell you how relieved I was when all the organs and things were checking out fine as the lady was doing the scan. She took measurements of the heart and kept pausing and freeze-framing things, and I was holding my breath some of the time! When she said it was all fine, I thanked God that the heart was fine, and then she moved onto the next thing to check and I held my breath again! I'm so so so unbelievably thankful that all the various parts of my little baby were normal and healthy looking. Phew! We did not get any glimpses of the gender during the earlier part of the scan, which I am glad about because I wanted to wait (for once! Usually I am itching to find out as early in the scan as possible! Maybe it was the concern this time that everything was okay?) until the end where they usually ask if we want to know and then show us.

So she asked, and I said yes please, and Cornflake was VERY obliging! ;) AND I found the cable to my scanner - woohoo!!!! So even without my laptop, I CAN show you the ultrasound pictures! :)

Soooo, Cornflake's gender!....

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So so so happy! Five boys!!!!! I can't believe it, even though I knew it (that makes no sense, I know, lol!). I have FIVE sons. Fiiiive sons. Amazing. I'm so grateful to God for all the little boys He is blessing me with! :)

Here are the pictures of his profile. I am SO in love. He is so darling and precious, and the instant I saw his dear little pointy chin I cried out, "Oh! Look at his little chinny!" and then apologised for my mushy outburst, hehe! To me - and I'll have to check this, haven't had chance yet - his profile looks JUST like Nathan's and very similar to Benjamin's too. He reminds me ever so much of Nathan.







His name is Samuel Robert. Well done Annie and Beckstar! :D We LOVE his name! Samuel means "heard of God" or "God has heard" - He certainly heard my prayer for more sweet babies and has blessed me incredibly! I love my God! Robert is the last family name that I have really wanted to use. Some of you might remember that I wanted to use it for Benjamin's middle name but Benjamin Robert IS my brother's whole name and we had enough trouble from family for just naming him Benjamin, sooo.... Robert was my grandfather's name, and his daughters (my mum and her sister) used it for their boys - my cousin is named Robert, and my brother of course has it for a middle name. I'm so happy to honour my grandfather who died when I was one, by using his name! I also just love how it sounds with Samuel.

Samuel!!! Wheeee, now I can use his name here all the time! :D

PLEASE DON'T LET ON ABOUT HIS NAME AT FACEBOOK!!!! My many real-life and church friends follow me there and I don't want them to know until we announce his birth, as is our usual thing. Thanks! :)

I have SO much more detail that I want to write about the scan (including a weird thing about my placenta, that the lady said was nothing to worry about - it's high and anterior, but there's a piece totally separate from it on the back wall. What?!?! Will write more about that another time.) but I have run out of time - the boys are eating dinner and I still need to phone family. I will be back soon to fill in the other details. I am just so happy that it's Samuel! I wanted him from the moment we knew his name :)

Monday, July 26, 2010

20 weeks pregnant! Halfway!! :D

Yay, I am 20 weeks pregnant! I can't believe it! SUCH a fast pregnancy, but then I expected it to be, as in my experience each one goes faster than the previous ones!

I only updated a few days ago so I probably don't have as much as usual to say today. My laptop is still MIA (hopefully being repaired but we haven't heard anything yet!) and I'm typing this on the ancient computer with no spacebar (have to really thump the little square that's underneath it with my thumb, tsk!). Neil usually spends much of the evening using this computer but he has popped out to B&Q for a couple of things, so I have a little time!

My scan is the day after tomorrow! I am beyond excited to see my little one, and just can't wait to know "who" is in there! I really hope the baby does not act modest during the scan!

I don't really know how to start writing about this, but I have a little bit of anxiety about the scan this time. I really can't put my finger on anything too clearly so it's even more confusing - *I'm* confused, so if I try to explain it, it's sure to confuse everybody else, hehe! ;) But I'll try. Yesterday I really wanted to write about it, but thought better of it, and today I'm thinking I will just write my thoughts on it anyway, even if it turns out not to make any sense. I will know what I mean, to read it back (probably!) so that's okay.

I wish I knew the words to explain my thoughts!

This year (and last year I suppose), I have had a fair bit of exposure to friends losing their babies at birth, all due to one diagnosis or another of a condition in the baby which was not compatible with life. All these women are Christians and none would consider termination for a second. They carried their babies to term, gave birth, and said goodbye to their little ones. All of them displayed strength and faith the likes of which I have really not encountered before, and lately these memories have been pressing on me. The most recent online friend to go through this is Ashley. Her baby girl, Hosanna, was born this month with anencephaly and lived 12 minutes. She knew of Hosanna's condition from a scan just 12 days before she was born, and I remember her quoting Job with the verse that says, "Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him." (I don't know the reference off the top of my head), and that has really summed up her whole attitude and the grace with which she has lived out this painful journey.

In the past five days, that verse has come up three times in random places, where I never ordinarily hear it at all. Yesterday at church, without expecting to, I was really wrestling with all this during the worship time. I mean, I was worshipping God, but also feeling somewhat weighed down with some stuff. After the boys went to their Sunday school class (Neil stayed home with the two little ones yesterday who had been up since crazy.am and desperately needed to spend the morning napping!) the worship time continued, and people brought words of encouragement and prayed aloud. A man was praying, all sorts of joyful praise to God, and right in the middle of it, where it didn't seem to even fit at all, he said, "And though He slay me, yet I will praise Him!" After that I knew God has been speaking to me.

There is a little anxiety that this is preparation for Wednesday, for the possibility that something is wrong with our baby. I know that if that happens, all of this will make perfect sense and I will see that God has been graciously preparing me in the days leading up to it. I'm anxious because it's not Wednesday yet and I just don't know the answer! I have to wait and see. And I so desperately want my precious and much-loved baby to be 100% okay! I know the baby's basic anatomy is okay, from the 12-week scan. But this one is the "Anomoly Scan", where they take a much closer look at all the organs and systems. This scan is the one where my friends have had their devastating news, except for Ashley, who didn't have her first scan until late in pregnancy.

On I wrestled during the worship time on Sunday. I am less anxious about whether the baby is okay than I am about how I respond to the situation if it occurs. Because while I like the idea of saying, "Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him", would I REALLY do that, really? I can't know, but that's the unknown that makes me the most nervous. I think I would, but I can't know, obviously. I can't begin to fathom how it actually feels to be the mother in that situation, and what depths she must be plunged into emotionally and spiritually as a result. But the thing is, if that happens - if my baby is poorly and will not recover - God MUST be glorified through it. He must. My response HAS to glorify Him, because no matter what happens in life, Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow. He does not change. His ways are not my ways, and I have to trust Him and know that He loves me, He loves me, He loves me. He is worthy of nothing but the highest praise and glory, and I want to reflect that no matter what He asks of me, or calls me to. Reflecting God's glory makes a huge impact on those who don't know Him, or those who do but whose walk with God can be transformed by such a witness.

I wanted to ask for prayer yesterday at church but I knew that to explain what I was feeling and thinking to the person who was going to pray with me, would make me cry and I just did not feel like doing that! So I stayed on my own with God and prayed and just let Him close to me. When I got chance to talk to Neil without the boys around (yesterday evening), we talked all about it.

After a lot of prayer, I am thinking that I don't know if God is actually preparing me to receive bad news on Wednesday. I think, more to the point, He was asking me if I am prepared to trust Him even if that DID happen. Am I prepared to give this baby back to Him? That was the struggle of my heart, I think. And now, I *think*, I feel prepared. Of course I have nooooo idea what I'm talking about, and what I think now may mean nothing at all if it comes to ACTUALLY surrendering to God in this way on Wednesday. But I will try, OH I will try! With all my heart! One of the worship songs at the end yesterday had the line, "I choose to fix my eyes on all the blessings you have given me!" and I praised my God joyfully with that song! Every time I sang that line, I could not help but smile so big (FYI - it is hard to sing properly with your lips stretched ear to ear!) and my hand would go to my little baby bump as I sang. God's blessings to me ARE my children, and how He has blessed me! That does not change if He takes one of them away from me. Quite how I am supposed to survive that, I am not sure, but I TRUST HIM, I trust that He will enable me to stand up under the weight of it, in HIS strength and not my own.

So I ended up feeling a lot better about it. NOT anxious about what we'll see on Wednesday. Although a little anxiety has crept back in since, and I am working on praying to keep a lid on that! I just wanted to share about all this before the scan, incase... so that it makes sense if it doesn't all go as well as we were expecting.

Meanwhile I am trying to remain just excited about seeing my little one (healthy or not, I LOVE him! I suppose I should still say "him/her", hehe!), ecstatic about finding out the gender and being able to dispense with any leftover wonderings and finally use a real name for the baby, and so on. I will update here FIRST, hours before Facebook! Please come and check here on Wednesday! My appointment is 3.50pm (GMT +1 in case anyone wonders!) so I think I won't really get chance to update until 6pm or so at the earliest, in case we're seen late, the scan takes extra long for any reason, and then we need to get home and get the boys fed. I might get a quick chance around dinner time if Neil is willing to make food while I phone family and update here quickly (he usually does this happily!). It will have to be a fairly quick post though, and if my laptop still isn't back then I won't be able to post the scan pictures!!! :( But I'll add them as soon as I'm able.

My sweet hubby just got back and has brought me some Starburst sweeties!! I have eaten all the strawberry ones, and that's exactly what I have been wanting for ages! I did buy some strawberry bio yoghurt (MUCH better for me!) on Friday and consumed a large quantity in just a couple of days! It hit the spot better than I thought it would, but I still kept wanting the strawberry sweets. Now I've had them, I feel pretty sure I will just get horrid indigestion, but ah well! ;)

I have not felt too well the last few days. I just feel so heavy and tired all the time, and get headaches easily. It's warm but not too hot (and amazingly I am not minding the hot weather this summer at all - which is the first time on record for me, lol!), but it is becoming increasingly humid and I am just sweating and sweating all day long, and finding it hard to get enough oxygen in the air. I feel breathless when I'm standing upright, and just tired and yucky and queasy if I lie down. I have also had 2 nights in a row now where I have woken lying on my back and feel a bit numb and lightheaded. My arms felt dead and I just didn't feel nice, so I guess it's time to start lying on my side only at night time now! I feel SURE it didn't happen this early before! But the baby has grown hugely in the last week or so.... I need to take the special 20-week belly picture, but since I can't get it off the camera anyway, I haven't got round to it yet. I hope my laptop gets better soon!

I'll update on Wednesday!!!!! Squeeeeee!!!! I hope I will be posting that the baby is just fine and that we know he's a he! Back soon! :)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

19 weeks, 3 days - almost halfway there!!!!

[It seems that Cutest Blog on the Blog is having a bit of trouble this week - so my background may not be loading right now, or if it does then VERY slowly. Should be okay by next week. I have changed the code as they suggested, but it's slow loading so far...]

Some exciting milestones coming up!! In 4 more days I will be 20 weeks pregnant, and thus exactly halfway through my pregnancy!! I just can't believe that's possible, it is just going sooooo fast! Then just 2 days later I will have my SCAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!! I'm getting so excited to see my little Cornflakey person, and to find out (oh I hope Cornflake lets us see!) whether it's a boy or a girl (or "a boy or a boy" as I once said earlier in my pregnancy, haha!). I mean, it's sooooo going to be a boy, but that's fine with me. I am just excited to KNOW, and to plan and prepare and start using his name, and all that fun stuff! :) I can't WAIT!! Sarah (our friend from church who watched the boys for Benjamin's big scan) IS able to watch the three older boys this time - yaaaay! So relieved! So we'll take Benjamin and be able to relax and enjoy the scan hopefully, while the boys play train tracks and whatnot at home with Sarah! I'm so glad she is able to help us!

I did go back to InGender.com and check the nub galleries for boy nubs and girl nubs a couple of days ago, just because I wanted to quell any wonderings about whether this baby's nub MIGHT possibly be a girlie one. So funny how even when I am as sure as I can be at the time (back at 12 weeks), give it another month or so and the memory fades enough for some wonderings to come to the surface! ;) So, I went back and looked. Weirdly, looking at the gallery pictures this time, I feel way more confused about nub angles than last time I looked! I felt really "tuned" to what I was seeing (on anyone's nub picture) and found it easy to get them right, but this time I am seeing a ton of boy nubs which looked exactly like girl nubs to me at the 12 week scan, and then a load of girl nubs which looked more like boy nubs at the 12 week scan! They're the SAME pictures that I looked at 7 weeks ago! I guess my "eye" for it has gone! ;)

I think Cornflake IS a boy, and that his nub IS boyish, even though he is sitting up rather than lying flat like they want to see for a good nub shot (the ladies at InGender told me that if he was lying flat, his nub would be at a lower angle so one or two gave me a 50/50 prediction and then a couple more gave a girl prediction). But I am concluding that an absolutely SURE nub shot is the type that I had with Benjamin last time - one that is 90 degrees to the body (or near enough) is without a shadow of a doubt, a boy! ;) Anything less obvious is up for debate, even though an angle seems to be more likely to be a boy nub. There were plenty of FLAT nubs on that boy gallery - and I remembered that Matthew's nub (before I had any knowledge of nubs, thankfully!) at 12 weeks and 2 days was absolutely classic for a girl. I still get the ultrasound pics out and squint at them, and there is absolutely no way his nub would have had ANY boy votes at InGender, even where they know what they're talking about, lol! So it does seem like there's a risk of getting it wrong, UNLESS it's a HIGH angle like Benjamin's was.

I'd love to be surprised one of these days at a scan and find out we're having a girl for the first time, but I strongly doubt that it will be the one next week! ;) I don't think his nub is conclusively a BOY nub as Benjamin's was, but I think it looks much more likely than a girl nub for sure. So therefore, a boy baby! I am waiting for confirmation of that (and expecting it) on Wednesday. Sometimes I wish I didn't see those nubs so clearly though, so that I have NO CLUE until the big scan! On the other hand, it's good to have a heads-up that it's another boy these last two pregnancies. I don't bother with girl names or plans that way, and given that I DO keep producing boys, that seems the healthier route! ;) I don't like to start on the "hoping for a girl" thought pattern, because it gets in the way of my enjoyment of my pregnancy, and delight over the BOY I'm carrying, when I discover that's who he is! :)

My laptop is ever so poorly! :( Tomorrow it is being TAKEN AWAY (Lappy!!!) and I am not sure I will see it again! We can't afford a replacement, obviously, but we've paid a monthly amount for YEARS on the upkeep of this one, and they're supposed to replace it if it's unfixable. I am paranoid though, and feel like they're going to find some loophole or clause which says they can't replace it because of such and such that's wrong with it. It has a big crack down the screen (the bit inside, not the actual touchable screen) which has leaked technical goop (!!) everywhere inside the screen, and has various other issues about the graphics being weird or not there, and so on. The crack is recent, and finally pushing us into sending it off to be fixed!

Anyway, I am not sure if it will be back for the scan, or if it'll be back at ALL! And I have all my camera software on the laptop, not the main computer. I will probably have to upload it to the antique and slow computer that Neil uses during the day and evening, but I am not sure where I've put the software! :S Anyway, my point is, I am really hoping I will be able to get scan pictures up on the day of my scan, but I am not sure if I will be able to (technically speaking) when it comes to it. I will be able to update though, via the other computer, when Neil isn't using it. We have backed up the whole hard drive onto an external one though, so everything is saved.

Thanks for all the lovely comments on my last entry! :) I am excited to see so many of you placing your guess for the baby's name! So much fun to read your guesses!! :) I can't tell you if anyone guessed right! ;) But you'll find out on Wednesday anyway. Any more guesses before then?

My consultant appointment was last week, and it went surprisingly well!! I was glad Heather was with me, and she has been to several consultant appointments with clients in the last month, so it was good that she could give me advanced warning that the wait would be long. Unfortunately I left the house in a hurry without parking money OR a book to read! Tsk! Heather kindly paid for our parking (I gave her a lift as she doesn't drive) and then even the long wait was fine because we got to chat and weren't stressing about how much longer it was going to take, since we were prepared for the long-haul! ;) I can't remember how long it was - over an hour I think... maybe an hour and a half, I don't know. It whizzed by, chatting to Heather! I really enjoy her company and could chat to her for hours! :)

I saw my actual consultant, not the registrar, because when I checked in, Heather told me to insist on seeing him, so I did! I probably would have been seen sooner if I'd seen the registrar, but I wanted to see the consultant. First I went in with the nurse and she surprised me so much. I was all prepared to have to "fight my corner" and not be put off by negative vibes about having this many children and the GBS as well. But she took me into the examination room and had me sit on the bed. Then she got my notes out and I sat watching her. She opened to the obstetric history page and counted out loud with her finger tapping each boy's birth details, "One, two, three, four... This is your fifth baby?" I said yes. Still not looking up, she asked, "And you want a homebirth?" I felt a bit self-conscious but tried to sound confident saying, "Yes." She said, "Last baby was a homebirth?" and I said, "Yes" again. She looked up at me and flipped the notes closed, and said, "So what's the problem?" I had no words for an answer at all, haha! I soooo did not expect anyone to have that kind of response at the clinic! I think I just mumbled something about it being a good question, or something like that! She was so nice, and very cheerful about it. She checked my urine (fine), took my blood pressure (100/60, my usual reading), and then told me the consultant would be through in a minute, and I should just see what he has to say, but she didn't see why there should be a problem having a homebirth. I was not actually going in there to "fight" for a homebirth as such, in fact I am still open to having the baby in hospital, but I am definitely leaning towards preferring a homebirth as before. I don't tend to make my mind up until later in the pregnancy, but I always prefer the idea of a homebirth. It's just so much more practical and straightforward, and EASY for me, and the stress of childcare isn't there (compared with having to go into hospital - sooooo stressful thinking about WHO can stay with the boys, who is WILLING to stay with the boys, HOW will the boys react to us being away from them to have a baby, MISSING them like crazy while I'm away, etc. I can't stand that part of hospital births!). I just wanted to have my options still OPEN and not whisked away because of having 5 babies or whatever.

So the consultant came through and he was soooooooo nice! The nicest and most approachable and friendly consultant I have ever seen! He talked with me about the risks of having a 5th baby vaginally, and said that the only slight risk is that of post-partum haemmorhage, and that is a very small risk. He said that he did not see a reason for me not to have a homebirth. He said if I was having a hospital birth they would probably want to put up a syntocinon drip for the 3rd stage, just to be in control of it from start to finish, but that if I was at home and I started to bleed too heavily, the midwife would give me the syntocinon injection that they use for managed 3rd stages anyway. If it still didn't slow down, they would call for an ambulance. He did not seem concerned, and then Heather said to him that I birth very quickly and efficiently, and that she had been present at the last birth so could confirm it! :) He told me that this reduced my risk even more, and told me that if my labour became prolonged or my body seemed excessively tired by the process, that would increase my risk a little. He said from what Heather had told him, he did not see that happening for me. He said that 4th and 5th babies tend to be born quickly and efficiently, without issues, and he was pleased to hear that this was the case for me with my 4th. He told me he expected to hear about my fast and straightforward birth in the New Year! :) Very encouraging!

Then we briefly discussed the Group B Strep. Obviously they're ASSUMING that I am positive for it again, because it is more likely that I am, since I have been before. But it does not mean I am! I will get tested at 36/37 weeks like last time and find out for sure. The consultant briefly went over the risks associated with GBS again, and was very gracious to me and not remotely condescending. He said that he knew I would have done my research last time so he didn't need to go over all that again with me, and it would be a personal decision for me to make again this time. He asked if I was happy with that (I am). I still haven't decided, as I told him, but I will be praying about it and I think I am more likely to end up choosing to decline antibiotics and have a homebirth again, and watch the baby carefully afterwards. I told him this, and he nodded and said that the fact that Benjamin had no issues with me being GBS + and having no antibiotics actually lowers the risk for this baby, and he reminded me that the risk to the baby is TINY and does not expect there to be any problems if I go that route. I will still take things as they come though. If my waters break before labour begins or something, then I will likely go in an have the antibiotics. Will be praying that they DON'T though! ;)

Soooo that went GREAT! I came out just feeling so high and happy, because it was the last thing I expected! The consultant gave me the go-ahead for a homebirth if I wanted one, though he said if I develop any further complications later in the pregnancy I will need to go back and discuss those with him (he gave the example of the baby being breech). My own personal doula has actually started a turn of events at my local hospital (it's a BIG hospital too!) which has ended up with midwives going on a study day called "A Day at the Breech" or something like that, and vaginal breech deliveries are now happening as more of a norm at the hospital as a result!!!! FABULOUS!!! She won't take credit because she says it was a series of events and other people were involved, blah blah, but SHE started it all off with a client who had a breech baby and was not about to have a c-section for it! They did a lot of research and put in a lot of work meeting with people at the hospital and being assertive at the birth, and they were careful in monitoring the labour and birth, but she had her successful breech birth, and Heather took it further with the hospital after her client, contacting the people who run "A Day at the Breech" and setting up the opening for the training day! GOOD FOR HER!!! I hope that if I do have a breech baby I will be able to give birth naturally. I do NOT think a breech baby is a reason for surgery! Neil was a natural breech birth! :)

Anyway, got off track there! ;) So I am really pleased about that!

Let's see, what update is there about my little person and my general pregnant state? The baby has been having a growth spurt these last couple of weeks. I can't remember if I said in the last entry, but Babycentre's email said that from 17-20 weeks, there is a huuuuuge growth spurt. The baby more than doubles its weight in that time! Yikes! And goes from about 13cm long (head to bottom) to 16.5cm!

Soooo just before 19 weeks I became absolutely EXHAUSTED, just physically. I don't know why it wasn't so intense sooner, but I knew that baby was doing some serious growing by 19 weeks, I can tell you! I have ended up sleeping nearly all morning most mornings this week (wonderful Neil!!), and STILL wake up at the end of Benjamin's morning nap feeling like I haven't had enough sleep and just soooo tired out. I have trouble staying awake in the afternoons, and just yawn and yawn my way through the evenings. I don't feel sleepy, like sleep deprived. Just physically exhausted like I have been out doing strenuous stuff all day long in fresh air. Not unwell in any way, just TIRED! I also notice a bigger appetite this week, some of the time - notably in the evenings, which I didn't have before. I *think* my morning sickness MIGHT be finally gone...! I keep saying that, hehe! Truthfully, I'm not sure yet, I have only had a couple of days again without feeling nauseous, and I guess I did have a little mild queasiness yesterday... Anyway, hopefully it's GONE now. It has lasted the longest of all my pregnancies! At least it's very mild and manageable, and I am eating normally. It's just a bit of a yucky nuisance, that's all really.

This week for the first time I am noticing I really would like to eat a load of sweet stuff during the evening. This is where I think I have started to pig out on said stuff, from this point onwards in my previous pregnancies! ;) The urge is so strong! But I am fighting it at the moment. I have always just given in and enjoyed it before, but I am going to try not to this time. I also MUST find a way to do the prenatal exercise DVD at least a couple of times a week! It's driving me crazy that I can't because we have no set-up to allow me to do so! Oh well. Hopefully I will still figure something out and get chance to do that. I never exercised in my pregnancies before (or afterwards - how terrible!), and I really want to change that this time.

I have had my first mini craving this week! Strawberry ANYTHING, except for actual strawberries, lol! I don't mind strawberries, but what I am craving is strawberry flavoured sweet things, like strawberry ice-cream, strawberry sweets (chewits and those strawberries and cream boiled sweets), strawberry mousse - basically anything pink and with a creamy or chewy aspect to it, that's what I am craving! I have never had a craving quite like it, but at least it's not overwhelmingly strong. And I have not fed that craving AT ALL so far. I just want the stuff! I am not eating it. Chewits are probably the thing I want most out of all the above. Maybe strawberry yoghurt will suffice? I can't say it's something I want to run out and buy in the middle of the night, but I think I will get some - it's good for me too! :)

I have a few "girl" cravings that I don't think I've had before, but I am seeing them as the opportunity to prove that you can have girl cravings and still produce a boy! ;) Fruits and sweeties are the main things. Still off salty things, and not particularly drawn to chocolate (though I am not OFF it, hehe!) unlike the other pregnancies. There's plenty of time for that to change though! ;)

I know the tiny one has had a growth spurt now, because just YESTERDAY I was suddenly a different size and shape! I look properly pregnant now and fill out my maternity clothes properly too. I wore a maternity dress yesterday evening and was surprised at how big I looked in it when I looked in the mirror! I did not expect to see what I saw, because I did not look like that just a couple of days before! In the space of 5 days, the top of my womb has gone from 2 fingerwidths below my tummy button to 1 fingerwidth below it yesterday morning. And today (I kid you not) it is AT my tummy button. My bump is visible growing widthways and outwards too, just this week! No wonder I have been feeling tired!

The kicks I am getting are becoming much stronger in the past week or so, and not just to do with the strength of them - often it's more to do with the fact that the baby's limbs seem so much BIGGER suddenly. They pack a bigger punch! ;) They are still not as hefty as Matthew's kicks, but then I have yet to hear of a baby who was quite so active or strong in utero as Matthew in the first half of pregnancy, lol! I think Benjamin was very similar to this baby as far as movement goes, so far. I am now feeling kicks and movements when I'm upright or walking about, not just when I am lying flat or reclining. It's laughable to me that I was lying on my tummy just a week or two ago! I'm sort of like a plank on a ball if I try that now, hahaha! It's soooo different, just in such a short space of time. My centre of balance is different since the day before yesterday. I will be standing on the stairs, and lift my foot to take the next step up, and out of nowhere, for no reason whatsoever, start flailing my limbs about trying to prevent myself falling sideways! ;) I went up the ladder into the loft yesterday - tsk tsk, so naughty! I know. I won't be doing that any more :( But I was sooooo overcome with the urge to sort and clear up there! I have never done that since we've lived here (nearly 9 years!), but I feel desperate to now. I did clear and throw out FIVE boxfuls of stuff though, which feels wonderful! :D

Oh and I am also waddling, as of today! ;) I am having to walk with a slightly different posture today, without really thinking about it, just to balance out the bump, and I was waddling to the kitchen to get something this afternoon when it hit me that I was waddling! Hehe! So, here comes the second half of pregnancy and all the precious joys that go with it! I love the waddling and even the stretch marks - it's all evidence of such a precious blessing and I would never want to wish it away. It will be over before I can blink anyway, and oh how I'll miss the gift of being pregnant when I can no longer have children, and wish that I could experience it again for just one more moment. My stretch marks will be a permanent reminder that I know I will be grateful to look upon one day (not that I actually mind looking upon them even now!). I am LOVING this stage of my life, and so incredibly thankful. And praying praying PRAYING that there will still be more babies to come! :)

I think that is all! Oh wait - from 20 weeks the baby's length will be from head to foot and not head to bottom, and at 20 weeks it says the baby is over 10 inches long!!! Getting so big!

I am definitely nesting! It's so good for my household for me to be pregnant every year or so, hehe! ;) It would never get the attention that nesting affords it otherwise! Of course it does get neglected during morning sickness, so maybe it's just balancing out?! I have listed a zillion things that I want to DO to every room in the house, and done all the measuring and drawing (room plans) for swapping bedrooms. We are putting our big bed in storage (Neil's brother is storing it for us, hopefully), and I won a 4ft "small double" bed at eBay for £21!!! It was a few roads away so cost nothing really to pick up! :) It's in pieces in the car right now - just a plain pine bedframe. Neil took the old mattress they insisted on us collecting to the TIP! No way do I want to use somebody else's old mattress, even WITHOUT a brand new baby snuggled in next to me! I need to buy a new mattress at some point, but I'm just looking out for good deals on good quality mattresses, and trying to figure out which are the best types for a baby to lie on (ie. I don't want one with big dips and "buttons" in the mattress! NOT comfy - or safe?! - for a baby!). I want one that's a flat as possible, and medium firm ideally. But not cheap and uncomfy. A small double is going to be that little bit more spacious for co-sleeping (which is the natural sleep solution for allll the breastfeeding at night, for me, though we'll have the Amby or a cot for the baby to nap in, and spend some of the night in eventually), and it fits easily into the smaller bedroom that I'll be moving into when the boys all move into the bigger bedroom so that all 4 can share. It's NOT big enough for a "marital bed", but in a way I'm sort of hoping the fact that it's bigger than a single will at least give outsiders who might see it some vague impression that we are a husband and wife who still sleep together! :S We DON'T, and haven't since I was pregnant with Matthew (seriously!), but because we're perfectly happy with the arrangement, and it works so well for the whole family (and doesn't seem to be uhm, preventing the conception of further babies! ;) ) it seems crazy to continue having a queen sized bed in our tiny 2-bedroom house when we just don't need a bed that size! And I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks!!! But I admit I feel less comfortable with someone seeing that we only have single beds in our home, than if there was a bed around which COULD pass as a bed for two people! :) Silly.

I really want to PAINT the house! I know, paint fumes and pregnancy... I still want to do it! It's not awfully practical since there's furniture/clutter against walls everywhere, and little people running about all the time, but I do SO want to paint away the crayon all over the downstairs, and paint the bigger bedroom to co-ordinate with the boys' bedding and curtains for when they move in there. I also want to build a LONG chest with a lid that has a big capacity - partly to use to sit on, and partly to store all our arts and crafts supplies, games and puzzles which are cluttering up various other parts of the house (including the stairs!!). I can't find anything big enough for my liking to buy ready made, never mind the amount something like that would cost! I always end up desperate to BUILD something when pregnant, haha! ;) It would be lockable, and we are planning to get rid of both our sofa AND the armchair in the living room, and not replace them! Hopefully the chest would be a bit of extra seating (albeit not the comfiest, but something to perch on nonetheless!) as well as slim-fitting storage - giving much more space than the armchair that used to be in its place. Instead of the sofa, we're planning a pile of huge floor cushions for the boys to relax on and look at books. They only really use the sofa for this, but they do it many many times a day. Floor cushions instead of a sofa would make the room much more spacious. Also it would stop Benjamin climbing the sofa until he's on the window sill!!! :-O Right now we have both sofa and armchair turned to face the walls, which just looks SO NICE. *sigh* But it's necessary - that boy climbs from floor to teetering on the top of an armchair back in a few seconds flat!

Anyway! I have a TON that I want to do, and lots of decluttering and sorting as well. Nesting is a marvellous thing, and JUST what this house needs right now to try to space-save as much as possible! I just hope it lasts a good while, because I really need that extra motivation! Neil is currently job searching, and my time might be limited to have an hour or two a day to really tackle this stuff, once he gets a job.

Well I have a headache and need to go to bed now. Hopefully I will have no trouble updating on the day of the scan next week! Six days to gooooo! :) I plan to update here at my blog several hours before I share the news at Facebook - please come here to find out!!! I so don't want Facebook to take over my blog! :S But please don't tell a thing at Facebook on my wall until I announce it there. The name of the baby will be permanently HUSH-HUSH at Facebook until the birth announcement, so please don't let slip there! :)

Oh! My 18 week belly picture is up in the gallery at LAST! I am so sad that I missed 14 weeks AND 16 weeks! :( I'll post another at 20 weeks, hopefully, if I have a laptop or camera software that I've figured out! I'll TAKE a photo ready, anyway! I think the 20 week one is the one I always do the same as all the previous pregnancies at 20 weeks, for comparison - the first full photo rather than just cropped of my bump. I'll try to remember to do the same again! :)

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

18 weeks, 2 days - such a long gap!

Ohhh I feel bad for the long gap AGAIN! :S I don't like to have big gaps in my records of how my pregnancies go, but my last two updates were at 15 weeks and 12 weeks! Whoops. If you haven't seen it yet, Benjamin's birth story is finally finished and posted in the entry before this one - hooray! :) It took me AGES and it's crazy long, but I was so pleased to finish it and post it on his first birthday! Thank you for the sweet comments about it - I appreciated every single one! I sent it to Heather (my doula) the same day and told her to plan a reading week for it (she's SO busy all the time!), but she emailed me back that evening and said she had read it in one go, cried over several parts, and shooed her teenagers away several times as she was too engrossed in the story to be disturbed! ;) I love Heather!

THANK YOU Annie for pointing out that I had put my surname in it when I wrote Benjamin's full name! Yes, it was a mistake! I don't like that stuff out there in the World Wide Web for all to see! I have edited it now :)

One other thing to mention from the comments is that Beckstar left me a sweet comment about my birth story and then said she thinks the baby is a _____ (and said his actual NAME! Which we've told nobody - well, except Meg a while back!), and that it sounded like the right name choice!!! I was so flabbergasted, I thought, "How on earth does she know his name?!" and started doing searches through this blog and my diaryland one to see if I've ever mentioned liking that name! But I haven't, ever. So I am wondering, if you're reading B, how did you know his name?! It's an amazing guess if that's all it was! I wanted to mention the comment here because in the end I chose to delete it, and I didn't want B to take any offense at that. There was no blog or email for me to contact, though I did look for that first (and would have got in touch if I could have!). I am not ready to reveal the name we've chosen until we have had the scan, which is what I usually do at my blog, and there are a couple more weeks yet! ;) A couple of people may have seen her comment, I know, but hopefully not many!

I am totally presuming the baby is a boy. Not thinking about a girl in there at ALL. We have not chosen a girl's name, and I am not looking at them either. Tonight Neil was wondering about this or that for a girl, and I just told him I did not want to think about girls' names at all, unless we find out it IS a girl! Now, I LOVE browsing through baby names, picking my favourites, making shortlists, and imagining my baby with this or that name, and so on. But I just do NOT want to this time. I am SO sure this baby is a boy, that I am not interested in girls' names whatsoever. Rest assured that I will be EXTREMELY interested the moment they tell me "it's a girl", if I should somehow ever hear those words, hehe! But I'm happy to wait to be proven wrong at a scan before I bother looking into anything girl-related. There's plenty of time between the scan and the birth to plan that stuff if necessary.

BOY names, daydreams, thoughts, plans, and clothing considerations are in full swing however! ;) I refer to my baby as ______ (the name we've chosen) constantly. I know I'll feel daft if it turns out not to be a boy, but like I say, I feel that it's so unlikely that I'm happy to risk feeling daft and having a story to tell my daughter one day! ;) I LOVE his name. We have known the first and middle name since 5 weeks pregnant, and we both love it completely. Arthur is starting to ask what we might call the baby, and I am LONGING to tell him the name, but our children are too little to keep it secret from real life friends (and family - still haven't decided when/if we'll tell them yet, after last time) for the duration of my pregnancy. So I know we'll have to NOT tell them right up to the birth, urgh! I so want to include them, and I know they'll want to be included as we prepare for his arrival! :( But I really really really don't want real life friends to know until we announce the birth. Arthur did know Benjamin's name before he was born, and we didn't have much contact with people in the last couple of months before he was born so I guess there wasn't too much opportunity for the secret to be spilled, but one time at church, someone did ask ARTHUR directly what the baby's name was!!!! I couldn't believe it! They knew we weren't telling! Arthur was about to answer him (innocently) when I interrupted and distracted Arthur with something to do elsewhere! So I think it will be easier to just not tell anyone (other than my blog!) until the birth.

That said, if B DID guess it was a very very good one, and it made me think - I am open to guesses if anyone else has one! If you saw her comment before I deleted it, don't cheat! ;) I won't be telling the answer of course, but I'm interested in what people might guess at! Clues: 1) We love the meaning. 2) It's a Bible name. 3) It goes nicely with our other boys' names. 4) It starts with a letter that we haven't used yet for the other boys' names. I'll tell you what it is in exactly 2 weeks (the 28th!), even if we do somehow end up having a baby girl! ;)

I can't believe there are only TWO WEEKS to go until my scan! I'm starting to feel so excited and eager about it! I can't wait to see my little one, and in more detail. I am increasingly nervous about whether he is healthy - I think I am more so each pregnancy for some reason. I hope he is okay... I am eager to get confirmation on the gender, SO eager, because then I can stop with the suspense and the what-ifs and just get on with bonding with him by name without hesitation, and planning FOR SURE the clothes that I want to set aside or not set aside, from the clothes we already have. I don't want to get all heavy duty about sorting clothes and things until I'm SURE the baby will be using them, but I can't wait to do that kind of thing so I'm eager to know! :) I want to be able to use his name here to refer to him all the time, and I'm excited to see it in print here in reference to my little one, and use it on the title to his belly gallery and ultrasound gallery, etc! :) Just little things really. I also find that increasingly (with each pregnancy) I seem to fall more in love with the baby watching the scan than the previous time. I always do love them and bond at the scans, but it really does seem to be more intense and precious each new baby for some reason :) So I can't wait to see him and love on him!

Tomorrow I have my consultant appointment at the hospital - the one to do with being "high risk" now that I am having my 5th baby (and previous Group B Strep). FUN TIMES! ;) I am so very glad that Heather is going with me. Neil will be at home of course, with the boys. We rarely do any pregnancy/baby-related things together anymore because of the childcare issues with lots of little ones, which I find a bit sad :( But never mind. I have my doula, and Neil isn't.... doesn't naturally DO pregnancy, you know? He doesn't bond, connect or take much interest until about 37 weeks (he named that gestation with Arthur as the time it really became real to him) but I'm not sure if he even did before the baby was born the last couple of pregnancies. So it's not a big deal to him, and I have Heather to accompany me and don't have to worry about the boys with a babysitter, etc, so it's okay. I do insist on Neil being with me at the scans though! He does suggest that he might as well stay at home with the boys, even for scans, but I get sort of upset about that, so we figure something out. He seems excited and interested at the actual scans, watching the baby, but he is thinking more of the children and their needs really, that's why he suggests not going and for me to tell him about it afterwards! I am NOT happy to do that, so we figure things out. At the 12 week scan we took the little ones (except Arthur was at his half-term kids' club), but I DON'T want to do that for the Anomoly Scan, in case something is wrong, and because when we find out who our little one is (boy or girl), I don't want either of us to be distracted away from the baby as we discover that precious news. I also want us to be able to find out FIRST and tell the boys a bit later. It's special, just for us. So Neil has to be there!

I think our friend from church, Sarah, who watched the boys at our home when we had the 20 week scan with Benjamin, is able to watch them again this time! She said she thinks it will be fine but she has to check her calendar and get back to me to be sure. I so hope she can! That will be such a weight off. We always take the current baby with us, as I don't like to leave tiny ones with anyone except me or Neil. The older three will stay home with Sarah though. I really hope she can do it!

Well let's see.... there must be a TON of news to write about?!

I have woefully neglected my belly gallery this pregnancy! :( I missed 14 weeks AND 16 weeks! The last photo in there is 11 weeks (supposed to be 10 weeks but I was late!) - very naughty of me! I just keep forgetting or else I remember but then the evening is so FULL of things I need to do, it falls out of my head before I get around to doing the belly picture and then I go to bed and another day has gone. It happens every day. Every day! Today while the boys were out at the park with Neil, I was busily decluttering and cleaning (NESTING has begun in the last few days! Yay! Boy does my house need it!) when I came across my camera, and that jogged my memory so I set the timer on it RIGHT AWAY and took an 18 week belly picture! So glad to have one done at last. I don't know how it compares with my other pregnancies at 18 weeks yet because I haven't put it up on the computer to look at yet. I have a definite baby bump, which seems to me identical to all my other baby bumps that I've ever had (BOY! lol!) - so far low and out the front and round like a little ball. Boy boy boy! ;)

The top of my uterus comes up to 2 fingerwidths below my tummy button, pretty much spot on for 18 weeks - at 20 weeks it's supposed to be at the tummy button. I love my womb! It's round and protrudes and I HEART putting my hands on it all the time, just feeling joyful that it's there and growing and so very familiar to me now, and full of sweet baby!

I am finally feeling the baby move more consistently and strongly, but only in the last 4 or 5 days or so - really late for me! I think it was similar with Benjamin, but now I am starting to wonder about something. I have heard (from pregnancy forums online) that "fluffier" ladies (annoying term, but they basically mean those carrying more weight and I guess with a thicker layer between the baby and the outside air therefore!) feel their babies move later, due to the larger amount of fat tissue. Well, maybe that applies to me? I have always been very very little and slim in build, but haven't quite lost my baby weight between each pregnancy, so am gradually accumulating over the various pregnancies! ;) Before Arthur I weighed 7 stone 10lbs. Before Benjamin I weighed 9 stone, I think? Or more? I think 9 stone. Before THIS baby I weighed a lb or so under 10 stone. So I wonder if it's the extra fat that is the reason I am feeling my babies move later and later now? I DO still feel them move initially very early though, it's just the strength and consistency isn't felt until 16 or 17 weeks these last two times. Or maybe it's just those particular babies? If Matthew could kick my hip at 17 weeks and shift my butt on the chair I was sitting on, SURELY I would have felt that similarly whatever I weighed?!

Up until last week I was only feeling a little light pop or flick from this baby maybe once or twice a WEEK, and only one individual pop or two each time. Now I am feeling several movements per day, and they are much stronger. I read that between 17 weeks and 20 weeks, a baby will double in size!!! Or weight? I can't remember exactly. But, huuuuge growth spurt in those 3 weeks, which I am now in. So maybe that accounts for it?! ;) The baby really does seem bigger to me this week. If he is lying across my bump and up at the front (so that I can actually feel him there with my hand), he FILLS the width of my womb. I was surprised that the length of his back/head pushed out against my tummy was a full stretched handspan (from hip to hip - he was lying transverse at the time) when I "measured"! Getting so big in there! Babycenter.com does say that the baby is now 6 inches from head to bottom, so that's about right. He's only about half a lb in weight so far - so light and tiny still!

I am (crazily!!!) STILL able to lie on my tummy in bed! I was saying at 15 weeks how crazy it was that I was doing that, as I was SURE I had to stop doing that weeks before in my other pregnancies, but here I am at 18 weeks STILL doing it! It's getting less comfy, but it's not uncomfy at all. I am getting a bit anxious about the pressure breaking my waters or something scary like that - I have no idea how unlikely that really is, but it makes me nervous! I don't want anything to happen to my sweet tiny - I love him so much already! So I am trying not to lie on my tummy, but I still can quite comfortably. The baby IS starting to kick at the mattress a bit when I do though! ;) None of the movements are particularly vigorous and "high-energy" like some of my others (particularly the first two!). I'm sure that will come later, but for now this baby seems pretty laid back, like Benjamin was. Just today and yesterday, he sometimes does little pop-like kicks rhythmically, and I stop in my tracks and hold my breath to see if they're his Very First Hiccups (well, that I've noticed anyway!) but they don't last more than about 7 or 8 in a row, so I think they can't be hiccups. I don't think they're fast enough for hiccups either. I can't wait to feel hiccups! I so love being pregnant! :)

I have also managed to feel one of the slightly stronger kicks for the first time with my hand! :) LOVE that! Most of them I can't feel even with my hands on my tummy trying to feel them, but some I can. Oh I love this baby most-likely-boy! :)

Food... I am STILL nauseated!!!! A record for me, finally. It's more on-and-off than it used to be, and much milder, but I am still queasy most days, and today I was proper nauseous, enough to find drinking fluids a bit gaggy and the idea of food prep yucky! Arthur was my latest before now - his was all gone at the 18 week mark, so I am just past that now. I still maintain that it's clearing up (as I have been saying for at least 5 weeks now, lol!) but at least it's mild while it lasts. I hope it goes completely soon. It isn't stopping me eating or enjoying food though, for the most part, which I'm thankful for. I still want fruit, vegetables and fresh stuff the most, but I have no particular food cravings or strong likes or dislikes. Except salty stuff, I am still not fond of that. I did try a plain crisp again at the beach on Saturday, but it was like tasting the SEA WATER - ugh! So, still off crisps and salted foods. Yick. Still eating eggs and salmon (had both today in fact!) but not as intensely as before, and don't usually feel particularly like I want or need to eat them. I like white bread (and lots of it) if I am not nauseous. If I am nauseous it makes me feel worse afterwards with the after taste. I AM eating some sweet foods, but I'm not interested in chocolate or anything super sweet like that (thankfully!. I'm trying to avoid all the stuff I was pigging out on by now in my other pregnancies (chocolate, sweets, cookies and doughnuts!) - well, we did just have two birthdays so that means 2x large "family sized" homemade chocolate cakes, so I have been enjoying those! ;) But otherwise nothing else.

I still haven't started doing the prenatal exercise DVD I bought, but that's mostly to do with the fact that we don't have anything to play it on that isn't in the kitchen, where there is someone at ALL hours of the day and evening, and no space to actually work out. Frustrating! Not sure what to do about that, but I'll think on it some more.

Well, as always I'm sure there's much more, but my head is fuzzy suddenly and I've just looked at the time, and YIKES I should have been in bed ages ago! I need to upload my belly picture to the gallery but I have no time left to do that tonight. I'll try to do it tomorrow if I have time after school prep and Bible (I started the Bible in 90 Days challenge again! Yay! I'm on Day 10 so far, and that's taking more of my evening time, but WORTH IT!!!). I also want to update about my consultant appointment when I can. I'll probably post quickly on that at Facebook though, and update here in more detail later. Heather said she has been with clients to consultant appointments twice in the last month and both times they had to wait over an hour, so she said to bring a good book! I don't know a better one than the Bible, so I will take my Bible in 90 Days Bible and try to get my day's reading done! I would rather talk to Heather though, but she's taking her knitting and if we end up with a LONG wait, we'll probably need something to do in the end!

Okay, I will be back SOON! :)

Friday, July 9, 2010

Benjamin's Birth Story!!

Here it is at LAST!!! And I finished it last night, so am able to post it today on a very special day for such a thing - Benjamin's first birthday! I can't believe it has been a whole year, but in other ways the time feels accurate to me. What a wonderful year, and how blessed I am to have Benjamin as my tiniest boy (for now, hehe!)! I'm so delighted! :)

Here it is then - BE WARNED, it is record-breakingly long! It is a dissertation on the birth of my 4th baby, haha! I wrote it in Word and was shocked to see at the end that I wrote over 15,000 words!!!!!! It is entirely for me because I want every single detail recorded so that I don't forget it. Anyone is free to read it, if you like, but I warn you it's a long read in full detail! ;) I'm so glad to have it all recorded at last - such a relief! :) I will be back in a few days to update about my current pregnancy, as I'll be 18 weeks next Monday and haven't updated since 15 weeks (tsk!) - sorry! I'm well, and I *think* I am over morning sickness, except for the last couple of days, hmmm! Anyway, feeling generally better, still not feeling the baby move much at all yet, and wanting FRUIT and white bread and protein all the time to eat. I think I am starting to gain weight more rapidly, but I have not weighed myself yet this pregnancy! :S Okay, on with the birth story! Hope you make it through if it's your goal to do so, lol! ;)


Benjamin's Birth Story

Benjamin Isaac was born on Thursday 9th July 2009 at 7.30pm, at home! I was exactly one day past my due date.

I woke up as usual on the day that he was born, with Neil getting ready for work, ready to go and take over with the boys downstairs. There were absolutely no signs of anything happening at all, and I didn’t give it another thought as I got up. As I had the day before, I just felt very “neutral” in the womb department, and like there was nothing impending at all. I got up and went to the loo, and when I wiped I was surprised to find that I was losing quite a lot of mucus plug (not bloody though) - more than I had before, but not significantly more. I went downstairs and told Neil about it, but found his response very frustrating as he seemed to just brush off what I was saying. He didn’t want to stay at home, even though it would take him an hour to drive back home once he was at work, because he said he would rather go to work and make sure everything there was prepared (for handing over for paternity leave). This had been a theme over the couple of weeks leading up to Benjamin’s birth, where he felt under pressure at work to have things ready to hand over for the time he was away, and I felt like he wasn’t helping me with the things I was DESPERATE to make ready for me, the birth, and the children and the home, in time for Benjamin’s arrival. I felt like he was prioritising work over us (me), and it had been a source of stress and upset for me over the weeks, so although I was not having any signs of actual labour, I did know that a show was a good sign and that with it being my fourth baby, it could happen more quickly than we expected it to once it started! I did tell Neil this but he (exasperatingly!) seemed so unconcerned, and said that he just didn’t get the feeling that I would have the baby till the weekend anyway, and so he wanted to go to work. I asked what made him think that, and he said he didn’t know, but he just felt that’s what would happen. He was thinking the 12th or 13th. Those were deadlines he’d made for himself in terms of having work done, and he said he felt that I wouldn’t have the baby until after his deadline. Again I felt a bit... hurt or frustrated maybe, that everything was about work and not me (granted, hormones were not on my side at this stage of pregnancy!). Anyway, so there was some ongoing tension (especially for me) over the course of the morning, the day that Benjamin was born, to do with Neil’s work.

Right after finding the mucus plug when I got up that morning, and talking to Neil, I started to feel just generally crampy, both at the front and at the back. It was like a previous day, from a week or two before when I had had contractions all day and felt a lot of low back and front pain and pressure all day (separate to the contractions) – the low back and front pain and pressure was back. I still didn’t feel particularly pre-labourish, but I was increasingly bothered about Neil going to work, and the time of day meant that he should be leaving imminently to get to work on time. I really really did not want him to go! I felt very nervous (as I had been in general for some weeks/months) about the fact that he had a drive time of one hour to get home, and that I would be kind of stranded (his car was in the garage so he was taking our 7-seater to work) with three rather difficult small children if I went into labour! I was anxious about my waters breaking and finding that the waters were meconium-stained. If they were, I’d have to go RIGHT AWAY, and he would not be home for an hour! That’s no good! I was anxious about possibly already being 3-ish centimetres dilated and labour starting hard and fast and progressing quickly once it kicked in, with three little ones to look after and being unable to manage the contractions without him home. An hour in that situation would feel unbearable, and very anxious. So I just DID NOT want him to go to work! In my mind at the time, it felt like a very reasonable request (1 day past due date, 4th baby, mucus plug and subsequent crampiness, long drive to get hubby home, etc!), so it upset me that he wasn’t giving it much concern and was still preparing to leave for work. He sometimes worked from home, but he wasn’t even considering that, so I found it a bit upsetting. I had a midwife coming round at 9am to do my 40-week check anyway, and he felt that it would be fine for him to go to work and for me to just see what the midwives said. He kept saying that he didn’t “feel” I would be having a baby till the weekend. In the end I told him that it wasn’t about what HE felt about what my body was doing, it was about what *I* felt that day, as it was MY body, and I felt differently – I did not feel like things wouldn’t happen till the weekend at all. I didn’t have any sort of idea as to when they WOULD happen, but I definitely did not have Neil’s vibe. I didn’t feel we should be going with his vibe instead of mine!

I was rather fidgety for more “information” on how my body was doing, especially to have more evidence to show Neil before it came time for him to leave for work. Imagine my relief when I went back to the toilet shortly after to check again, and found a lot more mucus plug that the first time, and it was slightly pink-tinged too!! Hooray! A bloody show (an excellent sign of impending labour!)! Neil agreed to email work and let them know he would stay to see what the midwife said (and watch the boys while the midwife was doing her checks), but work from home in the meantime while he waited. So he set up his work laptop downstairs. In the 30-60 minutes before the midwife turned up, from that point, I had a shower and got dressed, and started some of the usual stuff with the boys while Neil worked on his laptop. And I phoned Heather (my doula) to tell her that I had lost some (slightly bloody!) mucus plug and that I was feeling a bit crampy, but no contractions yet. I didn’t particularly feel like labour was about to start, but I was excited about the signs! She said, “Neil home?” and I said yes, but that he wasn’t too keen on staying home which we were “discussing” at that time, so I wasn’t sure if he would stay home beyond the midwife appointment yet. She said to stay in close contact with her during the morning and to let her know when contractions started as soon as possible. She asked if I’d phoned the midwife yet, and I said no. I relayed this to Neil, and then waited for the midwife.

At 9am a midwife and her student turned up and I lay on the sofa in the living room for them to feel my tummy. The boys were all around and about, but distracted with other things mostly. Neil was at his work laptop behind the arm of the sofa (best “out of the way” place for his cable to stretch to!), but was watching the boys too. I told the midwife about the mucus plug and the discomfort, and she said she would not be at all surprised if it was going to happen today! Eek! :) Everything was fine at my check, b/p, urine etc, but unfortunately Benjamin was completely posterior and STILL 4/5 palpable!!! They said not to be concerned about that, because with it being my 4th baby, as soon as contractions start he will probably rotate and engage pretty fast. They did suggest I spend plenty of time on all fours or leaning forward though, and I tried to do that starting as soon as they left.


I saw Neil hovering in the background as the midwife cheerfully told me she expected they’d see me later on today, when she was packing her things up. She reminded me that I needed to make sure to call immediately that contractions started, because she thought it could go very fast once it started. I was so relieved to hear that, and to be aware that Neil was also in the background hearing it too. I know a lot of my account of Benjamin’s arrival so far has focused on Neil’s reaction and his work that morning, but I include it in such detail because it really was a big issue for me, and I found it affected everything for me that morning until it was resolved, to my great relief! He pretty much switched off his laptop and started looking after the boys instead, as soon as the midwife left! ;)

All morning I continued to go to the loo and wipe, just to check on things! I used half a loo roll, haha! Every time there was more of the mucus plug coming away. It was no longer blood-tinged, just yellowy goop, and lots of it.


At around 11am, I lost a bigger amount of mucus plug. I was a bit concerned that it wasn't just mucus plug because it was very wet. I had to put on a proper pad instead of just a panty liner because it wet through the panty liner I was wearing plus my clothes at one point! I phoned Heather (who was on stand-by – how exciting! - by this point!) straight away to ask what she thought about the wetness, and she suggested I should call the midwife, so I did. The midwife (Mandi - a different one to the one who had visited me earlier) asked me some questions about it, and said just to monitor it and if I became concerned they would come by and check the pad for me.


Around 12 noon or maybe 12.30pm, I began to wonder if I might be starting to have contractions. I was not sure because they didn't hurt (but then I was praying for a pain-free labour so I didn’t know what to expect!) and I often noticed them when I was walking so it was hard to tell, but my whole bump would go super solid and tight, the PRESSURE was the main thing - almost unbearable. I constantly felt like I needed to poo, and it was ever so uncomfortable, so I guessed that it was baby-related. I tried quite a few times to actually go, and nothing happened. But I was a little nervous to really give it a good try because I didn't want my potentially bulging waters to break before they were ready!


One of those times that I went to the loo to try a BM (I guess somewhere around 12 noon), I had some more mucus plug and then wiped again and found light pink bleeding! Woohoo! In the next 20 minutes, I had some more light pink/light red spotting on my pad. While I was updating my blog online around noon, I had several more very uncomfortable pressurey tightenings. These ones were starting to hurt a little in my lower back and under my bump.


Benjamin hadn’t been too active in the couple of days leading up to his birthday, and when I went to bed the night before he was born, I laid my hands on my tummy and said, "Lord, I'm a bit anxious about Benjamin's lack of movement..." and INSTANTLY - I mean, I had hardly finished forming the word "movement" - he started writhing about more vigorously than he had for most of the last week! I was so grateful to God! He carried on like that for a few minutes, and I was so reassured, so I went to sleep after that. So, that morning he was still pretty wiggly, which was reassuring, but I knew it would get very uncomfortable when combined with contractions, so I started to hope that he’d have a nice nap at the most intense part of labour later on, if it really was going to happen that day!


After Neil officially stopped working (having contacted work to tell them it looked like things were happening), and took over completely with the boys, I was able to go upstairs and update my blog as I felt the desire to (only twice in total, in the end), bounce on my birth ball leaning forwards onto the bed (to try to help Benjamin rotate into a better position), and do the toilet paper check as often as I had the urge to, hehe! Which was really nice. The relief was a good feeling, to feel “off the hook” at last and able to prepare myself and relax knowing that labour was coming soon. It was also nice to get into my own space away from a lot of noisy play, and endless talking/questions, and discipline-needs, and so on, that are a norm in our house every day at the moment with the boys! I could hear it going on downstairs, but I was able to tune it out to some degree when I needed to.

I continued to have “tightenings” as the midwives called them! I was uncomfortable calling them contractions, because they just didn’t seem like the real deal to me, yet. They didn't hurt as such, just felt very intense and gave me a lot of very uncomfortable pressure in my groin. They gave me a little low back ache and low front ache too, but they only lasted a very short while (30 seconds at best maybe). They were mostly painless up till around 1pm. So I really didn't feel like I could call them contractions. It all felt very surreal and I felt a bit in denial that anything would really come of it (weirdly, now that I look back on it!). Around 1pm I had a contraction that hurt like bad constipation, very low and behind, and also low at the front of my bump – very tight and solid. But still a short contraction, and not as I remembered painful contractions to be from previous labours.

I was unsure as to whether I should call anyone yet, or not. I still felt like I needed to poo (and kept going to try), and also felt slightly queasy and light-headed, and suddenly very tired. I decided to set up Contraction Master online to time the tightenings for a bit, to see if there was any sort of pattern, and to try to nap a bit while the boys ate lunch downstairs (opportunity for a little bit of quiet in the house!). I felt quite excited, but tired at that point, so I rested a bit. At that point I did feel confident that labour was starting, but contradicted myself constantly being unsure whether the contractions were just Braxton Hicks or not.

So, shortly after 1pm I set up Contraction Master online, because I knew if I called anyone they'd want to know how far apart they were and how long they were lasting. Straight away they were 4 minutes apart - I was surprised they were so regular! They lasted between 30 and 40 seconds, but by the time I'd had 3 or 4 on the timer, they were starting to hurt. At first they just were hurting like an addition to the pressure in my groin, so that it started to feel like a sharp pain up there too. They started to become a bit more “familiar” and although I still had that weird surreal feeling like it couldn’t possibly be true that things were actually happening, I was sure these were proper contractions. They weren’t hard to manage, but I was starting to find it easier if I relaxed and breathed evenly at the peaks of them. I went to the loo once or twice (just for checking purposes!) after starting to time the contractions, and found that if I was up and about (as opposed to lying or sitting), my contractions were consistently TWO minutes apart!!! Or four, if I was sitting down. Still two if the place where I was sitting was the toilet, though! ;)

I phoned Heather again at 1.30pm to say that I was having contractions. She asked me how often they were coming and I said (still feeling casually in denial!) that they were coming about every 4 minutes, or every 2 minutes if I walk about! She sounded soooo laid-back, and asked in an almost casual manner, “Shall I come?” I felt like I was being daft at that point, and didn’t want to call her over for The Real Deal if it wasn’t anything at all! I hesitated a moment to decide what to say to her. In the end I thought of the fact that I WAS having painful contractions and I guess they were coming quite frequently, hehe! It seems so crazy as to be funny now that I’m recalling it with better perspective! You know, fourth baby and all!! ;) I answered Heather’s question, “Well, yes, I guess so...” (I know the detailed quotes because marvellous Heather took notes of every phone conversation and all through labour and afterwards!! Yayness! I have those notes next to me as I write this birth story! I remember things Heather said myself, but I wouldn’t remember my responses without her notes!). Heather told me days later that when I told her I was contracting every 4 minutes and every 2 minutes if I was walking about, she thought, “AAAAHHHH!!!!” and then asked as calmly as she could, “Shall I come?”, hehe! After I said yes, she told me (on the phone) that she was ready to come over, bag packed and everything, but that she just wanted to pack her lunch and then she’d head straight over. I said okay, that was fine. When she later talked to me about that conversation, she described a sort of frenzy where she didn’t know if she would have time to get lunch together and over to me before things really kicked off, given my history of things moving fast once they got going! ;) She seemed so very easy-going and laid-back about everything to me on the day, so it was kind of funny to hear how she really felt inside at the time! She arrived so very calmly at our house as well, saying hi to the boys and strolling into the bedroom with such an air of calm confidence and reassurance, as though her feathers were never ruffled! ;) She was WONDERFUL . What an inadequate word, even. Wonderful.

Anyway, so at 1.45pm I was waiting for Heather and still losing my mucus plug every time I checked. I was also having some very light bleeding, totally aside from the show, by itself. It was just pink, not red, and only a little on the pad or occasionally when I wiped. I phoned the midwife and she came straight over (Carol, the one who had done my check earlier, with her student, Sue), checking in with me cheerfully and reminding me that she TOLD ME she would be seeing me later! I wished Heather had arrived before they had, but I knew she was on her way. She lives locally but doesn’t drive, so she was on foot. It wouldn’t take her more than 20 minutes or so, if that. Neil was downstairs with the boys at all times, because they needed constant supervision. He popped up once around this time, I think just to say the midwives had arrived and to usher them into the (embarrassingly cluttered and unprepared!) bedroom, so I saw him then for a moment. He gave me a quick little nervous smile and asked, “You okay?” I nodded and smiled, and he went back downstairs to the boys. I sat on the bed and Carol and Sue asked me questions, took my observations (pulse, temp, b/p, doppler for Benjamin, etc. – all fine and normal), and then suggested an internal examination to see how far along I was. I refused, and told them that my birth plan stated that I did not want any internal examinations at all. Heather was bringing it with her, because our printer wasn’t working, so I emailed it to her and she printed it out. I told the midwife that Heather was on her way over with the birth plan, and she seemed happy enough about that. She did give a LITTLE push to do an internal examination, saying that it helps to know how far things have progressed so far, but I stood my ground and said no. She let it go without any problems after that.

They timed a couple of my contractions (typically erratic once the midwife had arrived, as is usually the case with me!) and felt the strength of them by placing a hand on my bump, and declared them pre-labour tightenings, because they were so very short (still only 30 seconds or so), and not that strong yet. They were coming frequently though, every 5 minutes or even closer.

Heather arrived at about 2pm. I was so glad to see her! :) She strolled into the bedroom with such a calm and confident air, and said hello to everyone, and immediately began setting out “things” on the windowsill! I was intrigued! It turned out to be facecloths. She bought me two (to keep! I know we were paying her hundreds of pounds, but still, I kept thinking surely those facecloths weren’t really for me to KEEP?! Hahaha!), one bright green and the other a lovely lavender colour. The lavender one was in a box in a solution of water with lavender essential oil, and the green one was just plain.

Heather’s notes when she arrived describe me as quite upbeat and “with it”, and state that I was chatting to the midwife and her student when she walked in. I told Heather that I had already declined an internal examination, feeling quite proud of myself! :) The next thing that happened was a discussion about the clutter in the bedroom. It was still SO untidy and cluttered with boxes and so on, and I knew it would all have to go somehow. I really felt bad that we STILL hadn’t managed to get that ready beforehand, but tried not to focus on that feeling, because it was attached to the stuff from the morning about Neil giving work preparations the priority over helping to get the house ready for a homebirth and new baby, and that still managed to stress me out if I thought about it at all.

I asked them all which area they thought should be cleared as first priority and they looked about and said the area in front of the double chest of drawers. They wanted to use the surface of it (also heavily cluttered) to put the equipment on for if Benjamin needed resuscitating. Around this time I was still just sitting on my birth ball which was on the floor at the end of my bed, and leaning on the bedpost on the corner of the bed to breathe a contraction through every time one came. It was not hard to cope with the contractions at all at this point. They were painful and needed me to breathe through them, but not with intensity, and they were nice and short (still 30-40 seconds long, that’s all) so very manageable. Neil came upstairs to bring something or other, and just after he walked in the room I started another contraction, and stopped bouncing to close my eyes and lean on the bed until it passed. Sue, the student midwife was a bit jumpy with her watch, and seemed to be watching me constantly, grabbing her watch the instant I so much as touched my bump or closed my eyes! I should have found it more irritating than I did, probably, but in actual fact, the novelty/surreal factor was still in play, as I couldn’t really believe that I was actually in labour – and so excited about the possibility that I really MIGHT be! I was therefore secretly rather pleased with the “serious” attention over contractions, hehe! It was a bit annoying one time when I sighed (contentedly) and put my hand casually on my bump, and Sue grabbed her watch rather dramatically and eyed me like a human bomb!

Anyway, so Neil had come in, and I had another short contraction while he was in the room. When I opened my eyes he was preparing to leave the room, and I was quite surprised by his round eyes and serious expression as he looked at me. He had done a double take as he glanced at me, because he told me that he hadn’t realise things had progressed “that far” – I guess he is well experienced now with my facial expressions as I focus on contractions, which I suppose must vary depending on what stage in my labour I’m at. He glanced at me on the way out of the room, saw me dealing with a contraction, and later told me he was really caught off guard by the “stage” he recognised me reaching. It was still easy-going labour and early on as far as I was concerned, but he had no idea it had even progressed to real labour yet. I guess he wasn’t really part of the labour process at all this time because he was responsible for alllll the childcare, and that’s why we hired a doula. So Neil was not present for any of the labour, except to pop in and out to get/fetch/do things. He wasn’t a support partner in any way – Heather was there for that, and I was fine with it – that was the plan for this birth. Neil was happy with that too. We had all discussed it during my pregnancy.

Heather noted around this time that there was rather too much of the midwives standing around and staring at me, especially Sue with the watch-grabbing thing she did! I felt calm and quiet and happy, and wanted to just go with the flow and labour in my bedroom. I STILL did not feel convinced that I was actually in labour, or that it would continue without fading out or something. In hindsight it was totally obvious that I WAS in labour, but for some reason I was in denial!

Around 2.30pm Heather went downstairs to sit with Arthur and Matthew and eat her packed lunch (Neil had set the boys up watching Monsters Inc, and Heather watched that with them for a while), while Neil tried to put Nathan to bed for a nap in the other bedroom. The routine for Nathan was always me putting him to bed and singing him several specific lullabies to settle him off. I was a bit worried that he wouldn’t settle with all the hubbub and strangeness in the house, along with the lack of MUMMY to keep things sane and normal for him (and his lullabies! I felt sad not to sing him his lullabies!). Neil left Nathan to settle (which seemed to be going okay, despite the lack of lullabies!) and came into the bedroom to begin shifting and clearing the clutter so that the midwives could set up.

Heather’s notes say that at 2.40pm, Mandi, the midwife arrived. She popped her head around my door to say hi, and then went back downstairs (leaving me with Carol and Sue) to bring in equipment and test it. I wish I had been a fly on the wall downstairs! Heather’s notes say that Mandi tested all the oxygen and suction equipment in the living room, and that the boys were very interested! :)

Neil was rushing about clearing the room still at this stage. I think I had moved to the bed so that I wasn’t in the way of the clearing and bustling. I was still dealing fine with the contractions, but was beginning to feel like I could do without all the busyness around me. I felt a bit tired and like I wanted to rest and have some peace and quiet. I wanted Heather and nobody else around me really. Just some quiet to focus and really start to tune into what was actually happening with my body. There was a LOT of clutter to clear though. Earlier on when Neil was in the room to start clearing stuff, just before Heather went downstairs for lunch and to sit with the boys, we were discussing how long it would take to clear the bedroom. Neil said it would take about an hour, and I (feeling comfortable and in high spirits, hehe!) said, “Well, I think I’ll be giving birth in about 45 minutes...” ;) Poor Neil! His face fell and he looked rather panicked for a moment before he realised I was joking! Heather’s notes say that after this he said, “I need absolutes in timing here!” haha! Like that’s possible at a birth! ;)

So Neil was clearing, Mandi was testing stuff downstairs, and Heather and the boys were watching her. Carol and Sue were watching ME. Nathan began to cry after about 10 or 15 minutes, poor sausage. The frantic clearing went on regardless, but he cried and cried. We left him for a while, hoping that he would settle down as he really was so tired, but he didn’t. Meanwhile Mandi couldn’t get the entonox tube unscrewed and came upstairs (about 3pm) to see if Carol could do it. I remember her popping into the room with concern about the entonox not working or something, and I just kept flapping my hand at the piece of apparatus she was holding and telling her I wouldn’t want it anyway so not to worry! After I had told her a few times, she left with a smile and said she would be back later. I was not in the LEAST bit bothered about there being no gas and air. I knew I would not want it or need it.

At 3.10pm, Heather came back upstairs (hooray! I really did want her around as much as possible!) asking if she could help Neil because Nathan was still crying. Neil got Nathan up again and took him downstairs, giving up on the nap. He would be exhausted, but never mind. There was no point trying harder with everything going on at that late stage in the afternoon, and he seemed happy to be up again. We knew he’d be tired and possibly very cranky in the hour or so before bed, but hoped that he’d go to sleep easily at bedtime! At that time I expected to labour well into the evening after the boys had gone to bed, so it did seem quite encouraging to think that at least one of them would be tired out and probably fall asleep quickly at a fairly early bedtime.

Right after this, the room was cleared and ready! Much of the stuff had been put in the car, and other stuff dumped in the boys’ bedroom for now. NOT something I was happy thinking about, so I didn’t dwell on it for long. At least it was out of sight and out of the way for the rest of my labour and birth, and my much anticipated babymoooon! :)

At 3.10, Heather’s notes say that it was all bustle and hurry up in the bedroom, and that when she came up I was looking flushed and a bit more dazed. I was still sitting on my bed. She felt that we needed to stop some of the busyness, and gave me the lavender flannel. I found the smell a bit overpowering, but I liked the fragrance so I kept it close to me for a few minutes. I gave it back to Heather after that because it was too strong for me. Heather sat on the bed with me while the midwives set up their stuff in a very hurried and busy way on and around the double chest of drawers that was now clear. I told her that the bustle was getting too much and I needed to be left alone now. She whispered to me that I might need to tell the midwives to go downstairs after they had finished setting up, as they would take it better from me. I felt a bit shy of doing so for some reason, and didn’t say anything to them at first. I did feel very hot and flushed, and with it a sort of tired/dazed feeling like Heather described my appearance. It’s exactly how I felt! I just felt a bit spaced out, and the busyness around me was making me feel tired and glazed over, and hot and bothered. I felt like I had had an adrenaline rush a while ago and now that it was wearing off I was feeling flushed and increasingly exhausted and sleepy. I was still coping fine with the contractions, which were still pretty short, but regular.

The midwife occasionally came over to check my obs and Benjamin’s heartrate with the doppler, and they seemed to really have a hard time finding it every time. It annoyed me a bit actually! It just seemed a big faff to have them interrupting my physical position and conversation or whatever I was trying to do, and then roam around my enormous bump for ages with a doppler, not finding a heartbeat! I kept snappily thinking to myself that they were looking in the wrong place or else just not taking my upright position into account or something! I really wanted to be LEFT ALONE with Heather by this point! Anyway, they DID find it each time, it just took a while. His heartbeat was still quite high up, so he hadn’t really engaged yet still.

At 3.40pm I went for a wee, and while I was in the toilet, Heather mentioned to the midwives that I would like a bit of space (so grateful!), and when I came out they were busily (everything they did seemed so bustley and busy!) leaving the bedroom to head downstairs for a while. Oh the sweet relief when Heather closed the door and turned around to face me, and it was just me and her and QUIET peacefulness. She crossed the room to my bed and picked up the Bible, and for a second I thought I might cry with relief. Heather’s presence was just so reassuring and comforting at all times – it was actually tangible at times, even in the quiet, and I can’t describe the relief it gave me nor the feelings of thankfulness. I was never so grateful for a companion like Heather during one of my labours! I wondered how I had ever done one without her! It was nothing like having Neil with me. And I love Neil, and had previously recoiled at the idea of being without him for any part of any of my labours, but this was SO much better. He was better served (and probably somewhat relieved!) doing what he did really well with the boys downstairs, so that I didn’t have to worry about them at all. And Heather was.... well, of course I mean NO offense whatsoever to Neil, and I know he doesn’t take it this way.... so much better than Neil as a labour partner. Because she just KNEW. She knew labour, and she knew birth, and she knew women (being one already), and she knew God – Neil does too, but not in such an active way as Heather – and she was a companion, and experienced labour partner, and prayer partner all rolled into one. Perfect. I would also say that there was a bit of a motherly aspect to her care for me, which I think I needed. My own mother was present at my first two births, and I really wanted to have her present at ALL my births, but she couldn’t be here in time for Nathan’s when my waters broke early, and then it turned out that she thought it would be better if she came over a couple of weeks after Benjamin’s birth because she’d be more useful then. There was a time I didn’t know what to do without my mummy to hold my hand while I was in labour! But again, Heather was so much better. She was all the female companionship I needed at the time, and yet was confident and sure about labour and birth, and my mum isn’t. So again, all round the absolute perfect labour partner for me! :)

So Heather sat on the bed with me without a sound in the room (such blissful silence after all that bustle!) and she prayed with me and asked the Holy Spirit to come (another emotional moment for me!). Then she opened the Bible and began to read Psalm 121 out loud. Her notes say that I was lying on my bed on my left side, flushed face, very calm. I just listened as she read, watching her holding the Bible, and felt utterly at peace. She talked to me about it being a 3-legged race, me and Benjamin doing it together. We chatted quietly for a while, here and there, about God’s part in it and things like that, and the midwives came back in after about 15 minutes (around 4pm) to do the obs and listen to Benjamin. Heather’s notes say that they tried to be chatty with her but she wouldn’t play, hehe! And that they looked like they were settling to stay, but I said, “I think I’ll try to sleep” and they took the hint and went back downstairs. I don’t remember saying it to get them to go away, but I really did want to try napping – I felt so tired and sleepy suddenly!

I lay on the bed on my left side (just seemed comfy and restful, plus I was turned towards the door and to Heather instead of the far wall if I lay on my left side, which I wanted to do) and closed my eyes and tried to doze. If a contraction came I breathed through it and focused myself until it passed, but they were still not really a minute long yet, and manageable. They seemed stronger than before, but subtley, like they were very very gradually getting stronger and I couldn’t really say there was a time where they’d changed gear or anything. I didn’t change my position if a contraction came. I just tried to stay as rested as possible because I felt tired out and drowsy.

After about 20 or 30 minutes (4.30pm according to Heather’s notes) the contractions were really starting to feel more intense, and I was beginning to get a panicky feeling at the peak, like the pain at that point in the contraction was threatening to overwhelm me, and it made me feel a bit panicky, which I didn’t like at all. I liked the calm feeling I had had up to that point, and it made me feel anxious to have panic challenging it! I told Heather about the way I was feeling and about the contractions, and she suggested I read out my prayers about fear. In the weeks before, Heather had printed out and laminated some prayers for me to put up in my bedroom and pray every night/morning, to help me. She had also written out parts of Psalm 91 and Psalm 143 (I think!) to read out and “claim” over Benjamin’s health, with the Group B Strep I was carrying, and the fact that I was choosing a homebirth with no antibiotics despite that. I knew the risk to him was tiny, but praying over him and reading those Psalms, those promises of God over him, really helped keep me confident and calm about it. I also had a laminated prayer list for specific things we’d been praying about for the labour and birth over the weeks beforehand, and that was on my wall too. I had one laminated prayer sheet stuck on the side of my chest of drawers, the side of which was against the pillow end of my bed (so, RIGHT next to my head), and that one was a prayer against fear. I need that prayer for so many things in my life – not just in pregnancy and labour – that it’s the only one I have kept up and still pray it from time to time to this day! :)

Anyway, so I read that prayer out loud, and felt so much better for it. Heather then prayed with me against fear, which was so helpful. Then I remembered that at the back of my Bible I once wrote out every scripture I could find to help me with fear. That’s a LOT of scriptures! I opened my Bible and began to read out the especially helpful ones, and felt very calm and reassured while I did so. Heather sat with me and just listened. One of the last passages I had written in the back of my Bible on fear was from Isaiah 41, and it just stuck with me. For some reason it really felt like it came alive to me on the pages. I felt mesmerised by the words, and wanted to read it over and over. After a while I propped the Bible open to that page next to my pillow (against the side of my chest of drawers) and lay down on my left side again so I could rest better and still see the verse any time I wanted to. These are the words of those verses, written as one block in the back of my Bible – the words in the middle and towards the end of the passage were the greatest help to me:

Isaiah 41: 8-10; 13-14
““But you, O Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, you descendents of Abraham my friend, I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...... For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, O worm Jacob, O little Israel, for I myself will help you,” declares the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.”

Right after this, we heard Arthur come upstairs to go to the toilet. The boys were all playing in the garden by this time, and were being quite noisy out there but it wasn’t bothersome at all. My bedroom looks down on the back garden so it was loud and clear, but just a nice comforting sound at the same time. It didn’t intrude on what I was dealing with, and in the back of my mind it was lovely and reassuring to hear evidence of my boys having a pretty normal day in their own home, with Daddy around to look after them as normal, while Mummy had a baby upstairs! Wonderful, and just how I wanted it for them! :) Anyway, Arthur came upstairs, and Heather and I heard him say, presumably to Neil, “Do you think baby Benjamin is going to come RIGHT NOW?!” with such excitement in his tone! So sweet! Heather and I smiled at each other, and Heather said she thought I might probably wait until the boys were in bed before actually giving birth. I agreed with her, though I guess I hadn’t really thought about it. I sort of presumed it was too soon to be getting to the second stage in the short time left before their bedtime, so I thought she was probably right. Heather thought my body would know that it would be better able to focus on birthing once the boys were in bed.

Carol came in to listen to Benjamin’s heartbeat, and I told her that I had felt a lot more pressure with the last two contractions. They were starting to feel “strong” down in my groin, as though the strength of the contraction was really starting to put great pressure on my pelvic floor (a new sensation for me thus far). Contractions were still manageable but I was really having to focus and concentrate very hard to breathe through them and stay calm and relaxed. I was finding that it was surprisingly helpful to read my handwritten Bible verse from the back of my Bible during a contraction, instead of closing my eyes. It turned out to be exactly the right length for me, because it was only a shortish passage, but if I read it starting at the beginning (the bit that helped me the most was in the middle) then my contraction would be finished before I got to the end, so long as I read it fairly steadily and slowly. I tried to focus on each individual word as I read it. As my contractions became harder and harder to bear, I noticed that I was starting to “eye-punch” (!!) each word to get through the contraction. I would try to focus on my eyes “punching” onto each word as they saw it, in steady solid rhythm. After a while that was the only way I could get through a contraction. I guess to the outside world I was quiet and focused and dealing well with the contractions, but to me I was just about hanging in there, feeling rather overwhelmed with the pain at the peak and so thankful for this spontaneous technique that was serving to keep me focused at the moment! I liked that it kept me focused on God, and on His Word too, while I laboured.

When Carol used the doppler to check on Benjamin, she found his heart significantly lower in my pelvis than before. Heather’s notes at this point say, “Hmmm... maybe he won’t be waiting till bedtime then?” :) This was some point just before 5pm I think. At 5.10pm Mandi arrived back, because Carol was finishing early that day to go to her daughter’s school play. I admit that I was happy when Sue went with her, and just Mandi stayed! Heather was too! :) I knew Mandi quite well from my antenatal appointments, and Carol was very nice but I hadn’t met her before that day. Also I remembered Mandi from other pregnancies! She came to do my first home visit after Matthew was born at home, so that was a way back! She seemed quite a young and new midwife at the time (though she might not have been all that new to it), but this time she seemed very different to me. She had an air of real experience and sensitivity, and there was no hurry or schedule to keep up with for her. She was calm, quietly spoken and totally non-intrusive. She was SO lovely to have around when she was in the room, and it was then that I really noticed the contrast from when it had been Carol and Sue. Mandi was also about halfway through her own (first) pregnancy at the time.

I was happy to hear that the second midwife would be Kerry, because Kerry was the midwife I had met for the first time during my pregnancy with Benjamin who I KNEW from school! She was in my brother’s class at primary school, and I remember going to barbeques at her house – our parents were friends. How funny to have her for a midwife! She was lovely, and I was glad it was her because of the connection. She remembers my brother well.

Anyway, when Mandi arrived my contractions were still “manageable” as I mentioned above, and Heather noted they were coming about 3-4 contractions in every 10 minutes, so about 2-3 minutes apart. They were still short. I am to this day SO grateful to God for those unusually short contractions. The peaks were so painful that I don’t know how I would have coped with them had they lasted longer! Carol had been hesistant to consider me in proper labour for quite some time purely because of the short length of my contractions! It turned out that the majority of my labour was just short contractions. When I got to transition – ohhhh then they got longer! But for now they were short, and they started to feel different. I described it to Heather as a sort of “fanning out down below” feeling. I just couldn’t find words to describe it properly. The recent change had been that the strength of the contraction was making a ton of pressure on my pelvic floor. And now a new sensation was added on top of that – like a flower fanning open, but more like being pushed open with the strength of the contraction. I thought that seemed like the kind of sensation that might come from a head descending, but was also sure I was not in or near the 2nd stage yet, so it couldn’t be that. That’s why it confused me a little. Weirdly (and hilariously, now I look back!) I STILL kept wondering if I was making it all up and that I wasn’t really in labour after all, haha! So silly! But it was such a REAL feeling, and I really didn’t feel convinced about the fact at the time.

At 5.30pm Mandi came upstairs to do a set of obs (blood pressure, pulse, etc) on me, and to feel my tummy and listen to Benjamin. She said that his head was now only 2/5 palpable above my pubic bone! So nicely engaged at last! :) That was so nice to hear, that the contractions had been effective in bringing him down. I knew they had, but it was so nice to hear it too! At that stage I still thought Benjamin would not be born till much later in the evening. Mandi told us that a midwife called Wendy would be on duty that night, and I had met her before and knew she was lovely, and Heather sounded very happy to hear it, so I was encouraged! The boys were being noisy downstairs, but it didn’t bother me at all, or if it did, I can’t recall anything negative about their sounds throughout my labour at all. I do remember that they had their tea not long afterwards and it was nice when they were quieter! ;) But I don’t think it really bothered me that much to hear their usual noise. I was in my zone in the bedroom and they were kept very much separate, so I was happy to hear them in their zone while I was in mine. I didn’t mind if they wanted to come in to see me, but they were pretty busy and happy doing their usual thing with Neil and playing in the garden, so that was good. They seemed happy and didn’t seem to have any problems at all with all that was going on upstairs! I was glad of that.

Mandi read my birth plan and was very happy with it. She was really lovely, and did a lot of waiting downstairs. She didn’t need any convincing, she was very happy to, and there was never any bustle as she entered the room. She just slipped in and out from time to time to check on Benjamin’s heartbeat and do some obs on me. In between contractions I rested quietly, staying on my left side as I had done for quite a while. I had never laboured in that position before, but it suited me really well this time. I think mostly because it was a position I wanted to be in so that I could rest and still see Heather and my Bible, and it turned out to be comfortable enough to stay there for a good while. I had no urge to be upright. It just seemed like it would be more painful and more tiring, so I stayed lying down and resting. Everything was nice and calm and quiet in the room. Heather didn’t make any sounds really, unless I talked to her, which I wasn’t doing much at all. I do remember at one point she was offering me a sip of water through a straw or putting the green facecloth (cool water!) on my face or something like that, and she said to me, “You look beautiful!” Now, you just can’t say that to me without a huge silly smile breaking out all over my face, even in the midst of labour! ;) I think I countered it in some way, but she said, “All women look beautiful when they’re in labour” and that was that. I closed my eyes again, but oh I smiled about it for quite some time afterwards – inwardly after I’d squashed the actual smile, because I felt silly STILL smiling after all that time! Maybe it was the timing of such a compliment, but it was just music to my ears, and it gave me a warmth inside for a long time :) Heather put in her notes at around this time that I was very calm and serene-looking. I’m so glad I have her notes! I’d probably have forgotten about the calm bits and remembered more of the panicky peaks of the contractions otherwise! But the fact is, they went hand in hand. Contractions peaked and I worked hard to stay calm and focused, and bear the pain, and then between contractions was the calm serene feeling, and everything was still and quiet and peaceful and wonderful.

Around 6pm I started to feel more panicky than I had been feeling, because the sensations were changing for me a little. I told Heather that the pain had changed – whereas before all the pain had been low on my bump and in my back, and sort of in my cervical area, now I was having pain even lower down inside and it was very intense and did not really go away between contractions. That plus the intensity of the contractions (they were getting longer and closer together at this point) felt overwhelming and I started to feel panicky. Heather’s notes say that I was quite anxious so we prayed again against the fear, and read more passages from the Bible. We heard Arthur say, “I want to go and see what Mummy and Heather are doing.” Neil brought Arthur and Matthew in for a minute. They looked so excited and full of anticipation – their sweet little faces brought me such joy! They did look a bit disappointed when they saw that nothing much was happening! ;) Arthur asked, “What are you doing?” and I replied, “Just waiting for the baby to come.” They went back downstairs after that, and I was relieved that I was not having a contraction during the short time they were in the room! Between contractions I was fairly relaxed (except for this anxiety I had been having!) and reclining on the bed, mostly on my left side.

Pretty much with the next contraction or two after they left the room, I felt anxious again with yet another new sensation which I was very familiar with from my other labours. The intensity of the contraction was increasing to the point where it felt like the contraction was reaching right up my throat. In my past labours I have always felt panicky with that sensation, because it almost felt like I wanted to gag with the feeling. It really does reach UP my throat with the sort of numbed out pressure of the intensity of the contracting muscle. I SO don’t like that feeling, and I said to Heather (as her notes recall!), “I don’t like these contractions. I’ve got that feeling going up my throat.” I guessed she would know what I meant because I had written about that feeling in my other birth stories and Heather had read them thoroughly. For me, that sensation does usually mean I am getting very close to transition (maybe it’s even PART of transition? I don’t know). I still had not had any internal examinations to see how dilated I was (and never did! Hooray!), so I couldn’t be sure. But at 6.20, Mandi came up to do my blood pressure and listen with the doppler, etc, and Heather asked her if she could take a look without doing an internal examination. I remember feeling a bit out of it at this point, and I was still lying on my left side with my knees drawn up a little. After Heather’s suggestion, Mandi started looking behind me at the top of my buttocks, and I had no idea what for! ;) I heard her saying she could see a little bit of purple line, and Heather was nodding knowingly – I had no idea what they were on about! I asked what that meant, and Heather told me that a purple line in a certain place around there was an indication of being fully dilated. The fact that there WAS some purple line was both exciting and terrifying! The scary part (from my previous experiences) was yet to come, and I felt anxious about it suddenly.

Heather suggested that Mandi open the birth pack now, in view of my previous labours being fast from full dilation. We had been praying for a slower and more controlled second stage of labour, but I did sort of expect that it would be fast like the previous two times all the same. Mandi called the second midwife (Kerry) and told her to come (exciting and scary again, hearing the phone call!).

Arthur came in briefly after this – Neil appeared in the doorway with him in his arms. He looked so much littler than he always does to me. His excitement and nervous anticipation was obvious! His eyes were wide and he was smiling non-stop, but Neil said he was all shaky with excitement, bless his sweet little heart! Again, I was so happy to see him – his sweet excited face brought me joy! And also glad to only have a SHORT visit! ;) I did not want little-boy company when I was contracting, and thankfully I was not while he was in the room briefly. Heather (and I? I can’t remember if I was participating in conversation or not at this point!) talked with him for a moment about how Mummies sometimes make a noise, and he said, “I don’t want to hear the noise so that’s why I was hoping it would happen upstairs when I was downstairs.” :)

Arthur and Neil went back downstairs. I think Neil was beginning to get things together to get the boys ready for bed, as it was now 6.30pm and that’s usually when we’re getting them ready for bed. They usually would go to bed between 7 and 8pm, but things were happening with my labour and the boys were very tired, so it seemed a good plan to try to get them into bed as soon as possible now that they’d had their dinner.

Around this same time (6.30ish) I began to shake, at first just a little, and then pretty soon I was shaking violently. I just couldn’t stop it! My teeth were chattering and I was just trembling all over. I had trouble talking even, because my voice was shaking too. I was still lying on my left side on my bed, trying to rest between contractions. The contractions were lasting MUCH longer (according to Heather’s notes, and I can’t remember exactly because everything blurred a bit around this point). The notes also say that I was very controlled and breathing well. This I don’t remember either! But I do remember that I was both excited and anxious about the shaking. I KNEW it meant transition had arrived (I’d made it to transition – woohoo, nearly there!!), but even though I totally knew it, I still felt the need to ask Mandi why I was shaking so much. I guess I just needed to hear a voice of experience reassuringly tell me that it was normal, and I was in transition. I just did. Both Mandi and Heather straight away told me that it was very normal and that yes, it was a sign of being in transition. :) Mandi checked on Benjamin with the doppler and he sounded just fine in there, which was reassuring to hear!

Kerry arrived at 6.40pm. When she walked in she said hi, and Mandi told her there was nothing to do, just wait. Mandi was so fab! :) Kerry sat on a chair just inside the doorway to the bedroom. I can’t remember where Mandi was, but she seemed to be around the foot of the bed (by the side where I was lying) most of the time. Not on the bed, just somewhere nearby. Heather’s notes say that contractions were coming fast and long. I will have to rely on her notes a lot from this point on because everything was just so intense and blurry to me. Her notes are clear and concise, and I soooo appreciate them, especially for this stage of my labour! :) She describes me as coping well with breathing. I was no longer able to “eye punch” my Bible verse by this stage, I don’t think, and was just trying to stay on top of the pain with each contraction. I was closing my eyes and blowing hard into my hand with each contraction. It’s something that I did when in labour with Arthur (and I think with the other boys too), and I just seem to start doing it when labour is at its hardest to bear. Heather told me afterwards that she thought I had learned that technique from a class, because it’s an actual coping method that’s given as a tip at some classes apparently! For me, it’s just something instinctive that helps. I hold my hand relaxed about an inch or two in front of my mouth and force all my breath out (like trying to blow out a candle, but harder!) into a central point in my palm. I try to imagine blowing a hole in my hand. They’re sort of rhythmic blows, but not long and smooth and calm – quite fast and gaspy if I’m feeling panicky or overwhelmed by the peak of a contraction. I am usually a bit writhey in general with the pain of these contractions, so I probably was then too. It’s just almost Too Much. Almost. :) I did not even use my TENS machine this time. I didn’t with Nathan either, but I think I didn’t even consider getting the box out to open up even, this time!

After a particularly unbearable contraction, I felt scared about what was left to come. I felt quiet and like a little girl who didn’t know where her mummy was – not panicky and flailing about, but strange, like a quiet child who was scared in the corner. Funny way to feel. The room was all quiet. Heather was near to my shoulder at the side of the bed. She gave me such a maternal smile – I can’t really describe it, but she looked right into my eyes, and I said in a small voice, “I’m scared.” She held my hand and said, “You’re almost there.” I paused a moment, and then said again, “I’m scared.” Heather leaned over me and prayed against the fear, and though I still had the weird uneasy anxious feeling (sort of in my blood, rather than just a feeling – like it was part of my physical sensations at that point), I felt a lot better for the prayer. Heather reminded me about Benjamin and I doing this together, like a 3-legged race. She stayed very close, leaning over me and speaking gently. She told me that the last bit is the most challenging but that we were nearly at the finish line now. I remember her saying that she was holding my hand, and as Jesus lives in her, He’s literally holding my hand too! :)

Her notes at 7pm say that everything and everyone is very quiet. At 7.05 she noted that I was blowing hard into my hand during contractions and needing to hold hands with her every contraction with my free hand. I said to her after a contraction, “I don’t know about doing many more...” I do remember that they seemed really brutal at this point! I really genuinely did not think I could manage many more, like more than two or three! ;) They lasted so so long and the peak seemed to go on forever, and the pain was unbelievably intense. NORMAL, I might add, and I knew that too. It was normal labour pain at transition, which just IS painful, and probably when most women beg for an epidural, because that’s when you really honestly cannot deal with another contraction! It’s when I consented/asked for an epidural last time, with Nathan, but he was born VERY soon afterwards before I could get one, so I did take heart somewhat from that memory, and now that it was my fourth labour and birth, I was beginning to know from experience that it doesn’t get any worse than this, and that it would very soon be over. But I still did not think I could do it much longer!

Mandi checked Benjamin, and found that his heartbeat was now really low down in my pelvis. We heard Arthur say on the stairs, “The boys should have been in bed ONE MINUTE ago!” That perked me up for a moment! Funny boy! :)

At 7.15 Mandi suggested that I do a wee, so that I didn’t have a full bladder in the way of delivery, as I hadn’t been for a while. I felt really nervous about that because I did not really want to change positions and get upright! I was anxious that the pain would be so much worse and I didn’t want to risk that. Also I was worried I would not be able to make it to the bathroom, and my gut feeling was NOT to move away from the bed. Kerry fetched one of Arthur’s potties from the bathroom and I began the undignified (and slooow!) process of getting up from the bed and squatting on this teeny tiny little red potty made for toddlers, in all my enormousness, haha! Sitting up from my side seemed really difficult, even with Heather helping me, and I felt physically unstable and uneasy. I was anxious about the next contraction. I didn’t know how best to stand up, and I remember Mandi leaning in to help me from one side while Heather was on my other side, and I was worried about her doing that because she was pregnant. I remember mentioning that maybe she shouldn’t because she was pregnant too and I didn’t want her to hurt herself! The next contraction came as I stood up, and I didn’t know how to manage that kind of pain in an upright position – it seemed so much worse. I sank back down to sitting and tried to breathe breathe breathe through it. The peak lasted such a long time, or at least it felt that way to me, and I leaned my head against Heather as she stood next to me. Just that act of leaning into someone comforting made a big difference in how I felt inside, able to deal with the rest of the contraction until it passed.

After the contraction passed, I daintily squatted over the potty (haha!) RIGHT down to floor level and tried to wee. I had to wait a moment before I could relax enough, and managed a tiny bit before another contraction came. I was stuck squatted over the potty and couldn’t have raised myself up if I had wanted to! So I had to deal with the contraction there, in a full-on squat. Something happened as I did that, which I didn’t expect! I started pushing! NEVER done that before – I have never had the urge to push EVER, and there I was without any warning, without any control on my part whatsoever, bearing down and straining away on this potty. I can’t remember exactly what I said about it, but I think it was something along the lines of, “I’m pushing!” or “Should I be pushing?!” or something like that! ;) I couldn’t believe I was actually overtaken with the urge to bear down, just like I had read about, and my body just DID it without me having a say in it! :)

Worrying about suddenly giving birth on a tiny hard plastic potty without the ability to stand up (!!), I wanted to get back on the bed as soon as the contraction had finished. I could see that squatting was very effective for the second stage (was still so very much in disbelief and excited awe that I had actually obviously reached the second stage of labour – and that I was PUSHING instead of hanging on for dear life as a tiny person rocketed out of me, which is my usual second stage experience, hehe!), but I wanted to get back in bed anyway. I was more comfortable there and felt more able to rest my body. I did not know how to manoeuvre myself or where to hold on or anything when I was upright, and I didn’t like that. I managed a little bit more of a wee and then they helped me stand upright again, and move back onto the bed (much to my relief!). This time I didn’t roll back onto my left side. I stayed on my back. I didn’t give a thought to whether that was a “good” position or not, and nobody coached me about my position. I just wanted to be like that, so that’s what I did. I wanted to lie down, and I wanted to see more of the room and feel a little more involved if I was about to give birth! Heather’s notes say that I sat propped up against pillows, but I did slide down somewhat after that to a semi-reclining position, mostly on my back but slightly rolled to my left side. Probably not a great birthing position as far as the books go (?!) but it’s what felt comfy enough to me at the time.

I felt very hot after getting back in bed. I needed the cold flannel frequently, and Heather wiped my face with it as often as I needed it. Just when I felt like I needed a sip of water, I would open my eyes to suggest it to Heather to find her RIGHT in front of my face with a straw hovering in front of my mouth ready to sip from! She seemed to know just what I needed and when! :)

Between 7.20 or so and 7.28, I was pushing with contractions. I was so anxious as another one approached and began, but then tried to just focus on getting through it again. I can’t remember no matter how hard I try, if the contractions were different with it being the second stage of labour. I can’t remember if they weren’t painful in the same way, or if I spent the whole of them pushing and bearing down, or if the pushing made the pain better. I can’t remember!! Frustration!!! I do remember that it did not feel “wonderful” to push, as I have heard so many say. I did push, but only as my body took over for me, not those big “hold your breath and bear down and never stop!” pushes that are usually “coached” and not natural at all. I don’t remember a contraction starting and me taking a breath and holding it, ever. I DO remember making pushing sounds as I squirmed my pelvis about – it was all involuntary, and it was obvious to me even at the time that my body was moving Benjamin down and out. I could feel his head getting a little lower, but nothing fast or incredible in sensation. Sooo different from my previous two births, and EXACTLY what we had prayed for (oh me of little faith!)! Still, the second stage didn’t last long, even though it was slower and more controlled. Which was good! :)

At 7.28pm my waters broke suddenly as I felt Benjamin’s head descend more quickly with a push. They were EXPLOSIVE and made Mandi jump, as they suddenly splashed her up her front (she was wearing a plastic apron)! Mandi was now sitting on the “free” side of our queen-sized bed at the end, ready to deal with the birth as it progressed. There seemed to me to be a lot of fluid (it wasn’t contained by those big absorbent pads that they put under me for the birth, and went on the bedsheets as well! We had a waterproof undersheet so it was okay), and when the contraction was fading off, I saw that heads were bent over the fluid on the bed and I heard some concerned tones. Heather and the midwives were discussing the waters, and I heard them talking about grades and “mec”. I knew what it meant, but like with the shakiness earlier, I needed to ask as though I had no idea, just for some reassurance and understanding. I think I even said, “What does it mean?!” when I knew what it meant, but I was feeling so fuzzy and not sure how to string my words together to get across what I wanted to say, so I just blurted that out. Heather told me quickly that the waters were meconium stained (I had heard them say it was “Grade 2” which I still haven’t looked up so I’m not sure what it means!), that is, Benjamin had had a bowel movement, and that it was okay – he was nearly here. She said if my waters had broken earlier, it would have meant an INSTANT transfer to hospital when they found the meconium, but as I was about to give birth there was no time to do anything about it, and I would give birth at home. I was so grateful for the timing of that! Meconium in the waters puts the baby at risk of inhaling it as he’s born (or just before), and if it gets into the lungs it is very dangerous and hard to fix. I didn’t (couldn’t?) think of that at the time, and chose not to. I had no anxiety about it, which HAD to be God, because I was so prone to being anxious through my labour in other ways! But God had my heart at peace about the wellbeing of my little one.

I remember saying that it was so much more painful when my waters broke, but the weird thing is, I’m not sure that it WAS more painful. I think I have read a LOT about women finding contractions more painful after their waters break, and just blurted out the same when mine went. I know that’s daft of me, but I didn’t seem to have much control or presence of mind over anything much that I was saying at the end of labour! It did hurt, but I can’t say it was significantly worse after my waters broke.

The next contraction came, and I started to push with it, and THAT’S when the familiar speed began. I stopped pushing with the panic of the sensation of a large head (trust me, it felt large, lol!) moving suddenly very fast down and crowning without me pushing. As his head began to crown the very same thing took over me as has done the last two times I gave birth. The physical sensation just gave way to a sudden urge to wail that primal scream again, and so I did. I really truly honestly had absolutely no way of preventing it. I SO did not want to, because my little boys were not yet in bed, and would be hearing it all, and I didn’t want to scare them. Never mind how uncomfortable I am at hearing myself make that sound anyway!

As I was wailing away, Neil suddenly burst into the bedroom and his head appeared behind Heather’s shoulder (she was leaning over me holding my hand and just being support to me). My eyes locked onto Neil’s and I felt so so glad to see him! I was so happy that he wasn’t missing the birth. He said, “It’s alright Ali, it’s alright.” I loved hearing him say those words. I worried briefly about the fact that he was in the room with me while I made all that noise, and where were the poor boys?! But I wanted him there to see Benjamin being born. I knew the boys wouldn’t come charging in because the noise would keep them away, but I did hope they weren’t frightened without Daddy there to reassure them. I knew that Matthew was upstairs because we had just heard him running up laughing, being mischievous – he was not allowed upstairs unless Neil was with him and he’d slipped Neil’s guard and run off to his bedroom. Neil had gone after him and I think was in the bedroom with Matthew about to take him back down to the other boys when he suddenly heard me wail. He told me afterwards that when he heard that sound he KNEW he had to drop whatever he was doing and RUN to me, because he knew the baby was coming. So he did just that!

At 7.30pm, with that one waily contraction, Benjamin’s head was born. I had a moment’s pause where I did not need to make the noise because nothing was moving (it’s the sensation of moving down and out that makes me need to yell out!), and then it seemed like seconds later the sensation was back and I was wailing away again. Benjamin’s body whole body came right out straight away, and I instinctively did another thing that I have never done before. As he left my body, I felt an intense physical urge to grab my baby into my arms. I had barely finished the last waily noise as I raised my top forwards and reached my arms down towards my baby as the last of him left my body. Mandi’s hands were already there, but she instantly let me take over when she saw what I was doing. I had no eyes or thoughts for anything but Benjamin. It happened too fast for me to have thought about it, it was totally instinctive. I just reached down and scooped him up into my arms, and pulled him up onto my chest. As I lifted him over my tummy I was overwhelmed with gratitude and relief, and joy at finally meeting him. I remember saying, “Oh Benjamin! I’m so glad you’re here!” I knew people were watching, but really it was only me and Benjamin in the room to me.

He squeakily cried straight away, but then went quiet and seemed a bit pale and reluctant to breathe. Mandi didn’t move him from me, but she rubbed him with the towel that was placed over him and he took a sudden breath and cried a bit. After a few moments of snuffling and squeaking, he went quiet and still again, and I rubbed him like Mandi had and talked to him softly. He looked a bit put-out and squirmed, but then Mandi gave him another rub and he became more “with it” after that.

While this was happening, I became aware of one of the boys crying, and I could tell that it was Matthew. Wendy, the midwife on duty for the night, arrived at that moment to take over from Mandi and Kerry (who were due to finish their shifts) and said, “There’s a little boy crying his eyes out in there.” I felt such a pang of sadness and guilt, and I think I said, “Oh! I’ve scared him!” I felt so sorry about it! I wanted to run and hug him and reassure him, but obviously was not in any state to do that just yet! Heather went out to him and she later told me that she found him sobbing on his bed. She said to him, “The baby’s here now - do you want to come and see the baby?” and he nodded and let her pick him up. Then Neil arrived in the room and she handed Matthew to Neil.

[Matthew had no further issues, but did bring the subject up when I tucked him into bed the next night, and I spent quite a while talking with him about it, and going through it again with him. He seemed MUCH reassured after that!]

The boys came in (I hastily flapped a towel or sheet over my lower half which was still being attended to, as I hadn’t birthed the placenta yet!) and saw Benjamin on my chest. They looked fascinated and happy. Neil had brought Arthur and Nathan up after he carried Matthew in, and they both looked at Benjamin – mostly from near the doorway because there was so much going on and so many people between the doorway and me, and not much access. Also I wasn’t quite in a state for them to get close and have a good long visit with their new brother just yet! I loved seeing Nathey looking from Neil’s arms, seeming calm and happy. He was now a big brother for the first time and I wanted it to be okay for him! Arthur told me that he wasn’t scared, but that Matthew was. He said Nathan wasn’t scared and didn’t cry when they heard “all the noise”. He said as soon as they heard me making noise, he and Nathan put their hands over their ears and just sat together on the sofa until it stopped, bless their hearts! :) Sweet little boys! Neil took them out of the room to finish getting them ready for bed right after they saw Benjamin.

Heather’s notes at 7.40pm say that Benjamin was lovely and pink and breathing well. :) My placenta arrived easily at 7.50pm, which was good! The midwife commented that it was a BIG healthy placenta, and I can’t remember if it was her or if it was an article I read not long after which said that could have accounted for Benjamin being a heavier baby than we expected! ;) I think it was Wendy though. There were no problems at all with the 3rd stage, and I requested that we not cut the cord until it stopped pulsating, so Benjamin got plenty of good stuff! :) It was so nice to actually get to do that! I think we must have done the same with Matthew, since he was born without the midwife present so we didn’t get to cut the cord till she arrived 10 minutes or so later. But this was planned, and it went to plan. Neil cut the cord once it stopped pulsating, and then went to put the boys to bed, and had rather a hard time settling them, unsurprisingly! They might have been tired, but things were rather too exciting at that moment! It took him probably a good hour to settle them, and even after that, Arthur was still awake till at least 9.30 or so. He even came back in to see me with Neil for a while, after the other boys were asleep, because he wanted to see me and Benjamin again and see what we were doing.

Thankfully this meant that Arthur missed all the stuff in between, which turned out to be the stitching of yet another second degree tear (my fourth!), which I did NOT enjoy one little bit! Mandi and Kerry had gone by then – Mandi to fetch some scales from the hospital to weigh Benjamin, as they didn’t have any with them. I couldn’t wait to find out what he weighed, and felt very impatient for her to get back!

Wendy did my stitches (which took a while), and Heather was the only other person in the room with me (except Benjamin of course!). She held Benjamin (wrapped in a blanket) in one arm, and knelt next to my shoulder on the bed (Wendy had me lie across the bed), holding a torch with her free hand for Wendy, and leaving two fingers free for me to squeeze on the hand that was holding Benjamin!!! What a star! And squeeze I did. Oh I hate having stitches in that particular region! It just does not feel right and I get terribly anxious and shaky while it goes on. Urgh. So glad when that was done!

My afterpains were HORRIBLE this time. I know they get worse with each pregnancy (it’s normal), so I wasn’t caught by surprise or anything, but they were like labour and I needed to use breathing techniques to cope with them. That was not fun while I had my stitches done, I can tell you!

Mandi arrived with the scales and Benjamin weighed in at 3.94kg, which they didn’t have a translation for (to my extreme frustration!! I don’t understand kg and I wanted to know what he WEIGHED so I could tell people when I phoned them in a bit!!!). When I phoned my parents a short while later, Daddy looked online for a conversion and told me it was 8lbs 9oz! We were all wowing at how big he was (since he was my heaviest baby yet!) and then when I checked an actual baby weights chart the next day, I discovered that the translation is actually 8lbs 11oz!! I was a little frustrated because I had already announced his birth at Facebook and to relatives, saying he was 8lbs 9oz. I had to re-announce, but oh well! What a big boy! They didn’t measure his length, telling me that they don’t any more. Or a head circumference. But I remember Heather saying to me moments after he was born, “That is one big baby with a big head!” ;) I think that must be why I had to push for a bit just to get him down to the point where he started to exit my body like a little freight train. Also maybe his position? That could have explained his high position during labour, and the extensive stork marks he had on his head, face and neck. He didn’t have any particular head-moulding that I could tell though.
Mandi left after she weighed Benjamin. She felt like an old friend kissing me goodbye and telling me I was “amazing” and well done! :) How lovely it is to be on the other side of birth, a sweet new baby in your arms and return to normal happening all around you as you marvel at your new tiny person, congratulations and well-dones ringing in continually! It’s bliss!! And oh the sense of victorious accomplishment at having DONE the giving birth bit!! :)

I was still lying across the bed at this point, and Heather was holding Benjamin still. I started to feel lightheaded and nauseous, so Wendy took my blood pressure, but it was fine, and my blood loss was normal too. We put it down to exhaustion and hunger. I think I had one of the glucose tablets I had bought for labour, and Wendy went downstairs and made some toast for me, and Heather’s notes say that they changed the sheets and made the bed (she, Wendy and Neil) – Arthur was asleep by this point, at last! But I can’t remember for the life of me where *I* was with Benjamin while this happened! Did I take a bath that night, or the next morning? I can’t remember... I would have thought that night, but it was 10.30 or so before everything was finished (stitches, etc) so I wouldn’t have bathed before that point. Hmmm... Anyway, the bed was changed, and I sank into it with great relief and ate toast while Benjamin lay in my right arm and breastfed/dozed, and Heather sat at the end of my bed and gave me a foot massage with lavender oil!! BLISS!! After a bit of discussion, Neil popped out to Tesco to find a lamp that I could put on the chest of drawers to keep on overnight (I wanted light overnight and our previous lamp had broken a while before). Heather stayed with me until he came home, then said goodbye and Neil dropped her home. I felt anxious just me and the boys and Benjamin while he was out, but it was just a few minutes down the road, I was very stable and settled, and I decided I would make phone calls to family on the mobile phone from my bed while he was out. That would give me constant company until he was home, and it worked out fine.

Here's a photo of Benjamin and me, after he finished breastfeeding and the bed had been changed. The light was so lovely and dim, and he felt so wonderful in my arms skin-to-skin. He was just gaaazing at me, and I was just gazing at him. Utterly in love! *sigh*



Benjamin alternately slept and fed ALL night long that first night! He is my first baby who actually breastfed all night on his very first night, and I don’t think that is typical for a newborn at all! Most will sleep that first night! I was glad because I needed to check him every 2 hours through the night for signs of GBS disease in any case – I checked his temperatures, breathing, pulse and general tone and colour as they told me to. After a few checks, I didn’t take his temperature because I could feel that he was not burning up at all – he felt as normal as he did the previous times I checked him. He needed checking for the first 24 hours as he would have been in the hospital. I’m so grateful to God that he was FINE! :)

So that is the birth story of Benjamin Isaac! I am finally finishing this birth story late on July 8th 2010 - just hours before Benjamin’s 1st birthday, so it’s very nostalgic timing, and I have loved reliving this birth as I’ve written it! Such a very different experience to my previous births. At the end of Heather’s birth notes, she wrote, “A triumphant birth! A privilege to be present, and I’ll happily be with you for any more which come along in the future!” I loved reading that! I’m so glad to be pregnant again with Heather BOOKED for December 2010! :)

Benjamin is a complete joy. Adding him to our family has been smooth and happy for all of us. None of the children had any issues with his arrival, or difficulties in adjusting to a new baby brother. They all love him and enjoy entertaining him, right from the start, even Nathan! I am just delighted with him, and find it hard to believe that he is moving towards big-brotherhood himself!

Thank you Lord, for my sweet little Benjamin!