Yay, I am 20 weeks pregnant! I can't believe it! SUCH a fast pregnancy, but then I expected it to be, as in my experience each one goes faster than the previous ones!
I only updated a few days ago so I probably don't have as much as usual to say today. My laptop is still MIA (hopefully being repaired but we haven't heard anything yet!) and I'm typing this on the ancient computer with no spacebar (have to really thump the little square that's underneath it with my thumb, tsk!). Neil usually spends much of the evening using this computer but he has popped out to B&Q for a couple of things, so I have a little time!
My scan is the day after tomorrow! I am beyond excited to see my little one, and just can't wait to know "who" is in there! I really hope the baby does not act modest during the scan!
I don't really know how to start writing about this, but I have a little bit of anxiety about the scan this time. I really can't put my finger on anything too clearly so it's even more confusing - *I'm* confused, so if I try to explain it, it's sure to confuse everybody else, hehe! ;) But I'll try. Yesterday I really wanted to write about it, but thought better of it, and today I'm thinking I will just write my thoughts on it anyway, even if it turns out not to make any sense. I will know what I mean, to read it back (probably!) so that's okay.
I wish I knew the words to explain my thoughts!
This year (and last year I suppose), I have had a fair bit of exposure to friends losing their babies at birth, all due to one diagnosis or another of a condition in the baby which was not compatible with life. All these women are Christians and none would consider termination for a second. They carried their babies to term, gave birth, and said goodbye to their little ones. All of them displayed strength and faith the likes of which I have really not encountered before, and lately these memories have been pressing on me. The most recent online friend to go through this is Ashley. Her baby girl, Hosanna, was born this month with anencephaly and lived 12 minutes. She knew of Hosanna's condition from a scan just 12 days before she was born, and I remember her quoting Job with the verse that says, "Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him." (I don't know the reference off the top of my head), and that has really summed up her whole attitude and the grace with which she has lived out this painful journey.
In the past five days, that verse has come up three times in random places, where I never ordinarily hear it at all. Yesterday at church, without expecting to, I was really wrestling with all this during the worship time. I mean, I was worshipping God, but also feeling somewhat weighed down with some stuff. After the boys went to their Sunday school class (Neil stayed home with the two little ones yesterday who had been up since crazy.am and desperately needed to spend the morning napping!) the worship time continued, and people brought words of encouragement and prayed aloud. A man was praying, all sorts of joyful praise to God, and right in the middle of it, where it didn't seem to even fit at all, he said, "And though He slay me, yet I will praise Him!" After that I knew God has been speaking to me.
There is a little anxiety that this is preparation for Wednesday, for the possibility that something is wrong with our baby. I know that if that happens, all of this will make perfect sense and I will see that God has been graciously preparing me in the days leading up to it. I'm anxious because it's not Wednesday yet and I just don't know the answer! I have to wait and see. And I so desperately want my precious and much-loved baby to be 100% okay! I know the baby's basic anatomy is okay, from the 12-week scan. But this one is the "Anomoly Scan", where they take a much closer look at all the organs and systems. This scan is the one where my friends have had their devastating news, except for Ashley, who didn't have her first scan until late in pregnancy.
On I wrestled during the worship time on Sunday. I am less anxious about whether the baby is okay than I am about how I respond to the situation if it occurs. Because while I like the idea of saying, "Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him", would I REALLY do that, really? I can't know, but that's the unknown that makes me the most nervous. I think I would, but I can't know, obviously. I can't begin to fathom how it actually feels to be the mother in that situation, and what depths she must be plunged into emotionally and spiritually as a result. But the thing is, if that happens - if my baby is poorly and will not recover - God MUST be glorified through it. He must. My response HAS to glorify Him, because no matter what happens in life, Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow. He does not change. His ways are not my ways, and I have to trust Him and know that He loves me, He loves me, He loves me. He is worthy of nothing but the highest praise and glory, and I want to reflect that no matter what He asks of me, or calls me to. Reflecting God's glory makes a huge impact on those who don't know Him, or those who do but whose walk with God can be transformed by such a witness.
I wanted to ask for prayer yesterday at church but I knew that to explain what I was feeling and thinking to the person who was going to pray with me, would make me cry and I just did not feel like doing that! So I stayed on my own with God and prayed and just let Him close to me. When I got chance to talk to Neil without the boys around (yesterday evening), we talked all about it.
After a lot of prayer, I am thinking that I don't know if God is actually preparing me to receive bad news on Wednesday. I think, more to the point, He was asking me if I am prepared to trust Him even if that DID happen. Am I prepared to give this baby back to Him? That was the struggle of my heart, I think. And now, I *think*, I feel prepared. Of course I have nooooo idea what I'm talking about, and what I think now may mean nothing at all if it comes to ACTUALLY surrendering to God in this way on Wednesday. But I will try, OH I will try! With all my heart! One of the worship songs at the end yesterday had the line, "I choose to fix my eyes on all the blessings you have given me!" and I praised my God joyfully with that song! Every time I sang that line, I could not help but smile so big (FYI - it is hard to sing properly with your lips stretched ear to ear!) and my hand would go to my little baby bump as I sang. God's blessings to me ARE my children, and how He has blessed me! That does not change if He takes one of them away from me. Quite how I am supposed to survive that, I am not sure, but I TRUST HIM, I trust that He will enable me to stand up under the weight of it, in HIS strength and not my own.
So I ended up feeling a lot better about it. NOT anxious about what we'll see on Wednesday. Although a little anxiety has crept back in since, and I am working on praying to keep a lid on that! I just wanted to share about all this before the scan, incase... so that it makes sense if it doesn't all go as well as we were expecting.
Meanwhile I am trying to remain just excited about seeing my little one (healthy or not, I LOVE him! I suppose I should still say "him/her", hehe!), ecstatic about finding out the gender and being able to dispense with any leftover wonderings and finally use a real name for the baby, and so on. I will update here FIRST, hours before Facebook! Please come and check here on Wednesday! My appointment is 3.50pm (GMT +1 in case anyone wonders!) so I think I won't really get chance to update until 6pm or so at the earliest, in case we're seen late, the scan takes extra long for any reason, and then we need to get home and get the boys fed. I might get a quick chance around dinner time if Neil is willing to make food while I phone family and update here quickly (he usually does this happily!). It will have to be a fairly quick post though, and if my laptop still isn't back then I won't be able to post the scan pictures!!! :( But I'll add them as soon as I'm able.
My sweet hubby just got back and has brought me some Starburst sweeties!! I have eaten all the strawberry ones, and that's exactly what I have been wanting for ages! I did buy some strawberry bio yoghurt (MUCH better for me!) on Friday and consumed a large quantity in just a couple of days! It hit the spot better than I thought it would, but I still kept wanting the strawberry sweets. Now I've had them, I feel pretty sure I will just get horrid indigestion, but ah well! ;)
I have not felt too well the last few days. I just feel so heavy and tired all the time, and get headaches easily. It's warm but not too hot (and amazingly I am not minding the hot weather this summer at all - which is the first time on record for me, lol!), but it is becoming increasingly humid and I am just sweating and sweating all day long, and finding it hard to get enough oxygen in the air. I feel breathless when I'm standing upright, and just tired and yucky and queasy if I lie down. I have also had 2 nights in a row now where I have woken lying on my back and feel a bit numb and lightheaded. My arms felt dead and I just didn't feel nice, so I guess it's time to start lying on my side only at night time now! I feel SURE it didn't happen this early before! But the baby has grown hugely in the last week or so.... I need to take the special 20-week belly picture, but since I can't get it off the camera anyway, I haven't got round to it yet. I hope my laptop gets better soon!
I'll update on Wednesday!!!!! Squeeeeee!!!! I hope I will be posting that the baby is just fine and that we know he's a he! Back soon! :)
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