I love my doula!

Deja-vu, anyone?! ;)

Thank you so very much for the sweet messages after my last post. They were so uplifting, and Shannon, I just read yours a minute ago and it was basically what I have needed to hear all day long, which God has put on my heart earlier this evening, so it was a blessing to have that confirmation in your message! Thank you all for taking the time to encourage and love me!

Today has been superbly sucky. I just. can't. shift. this weight about the baby. It's pulling at me like an achy weight that I'm dragging along. I have had ample opportunity for distraction today, so it has been nagging at me subconsciously instead of being right in my face.

Neil is so poorly right now. His heavy cold thing has really messed with his asthma and he is using his inhaler like never before and struggling to be out of bed at all. I do not exaggerate when I say I have probably been the worst at wifeyness that I have ever been before. I have not coped with the slightest thing, and I do mean SLIGHTEST. I have never known hormones like this before in my other pregnancies, unless they're not really hormones so much as anxiety about the baby plus some sort of hormone surge maybe.... Anyway, I have been angry and shouty and blamey and plain MEAN and nasty, and have not just saved it for my poor sick husband, but my children as well (bonus points for the Sucko-Woman 2011 contest). They have been so bloomin' difficult today, just rude and shouty to us (wonder where they picked that up from??), out to cause as much noisy trouble as possible, and picking fights with each other. Samuel didn't get his afternoon nap and cried and screeched a lot late afternoon, and Benjamin doesn't usually nap but acted like he was missing one anyway. I hope nobody is coming down with Neil's lurgy...

Anyway. Ugh. All day I have been having to physically squash down that "ugly" sort of crying that got to my throat and eyeballs often enough to make me just ache there for the afternoon. I am not good at losing it in front of my kids. I am not good at losing it at all. I'm more of a squasher. It hurts, but not as much as letting the lid off the thing and exploding everywhere.

I just feel so tired somewhere in a weird place, and just burnt out emotionally and physically. For some reason I have been shaky a lot today, and breathless easily. Every time I was moody I KNEW I was doing the wrong thing, but if I could squash it, it just came back like 5 seconds later. I am not really one to lose my temper, but you know that sort of "seeing red" feeling that you get (rarely for me) when you REALLY lose it, and then you feel all out of control with what you say? My trigger button seemed to be broken today, and I was flicking onto "seeing red" all OVER the place, even from nowhere, or over nothing at all. I've never known anything quite like it (thankfully!)!

I just made sooooo many screw-ups today. I know that tomorrow is a new day, and God is gracious, and I can do all things in His strength. He also extends grace to my husband and children when I mess up. But today just went so horribly, and I could not see clearly about it at all. After I put the boys to bed, Neil started a migraine - he is bed bound for 24 hours once those start, plus he is really poorly otherwise too. I needed so very badly to just get some time to myself so that I could sort all my feelings out with God and ask Him to equip me for tomorrow (and forgive me for today). I needed head space. They went to bed a bit late, but once they were down, I drove to a late night chemist (it's Sunday so no local ones are open) to get Neil's prescription. It was a long wait, and the weather was rotten, but it was helpful to get some quiet around me. When I got home, Neil felt too sick to take the medication, and since the two bedrooms have little ones in, he was downstairs in the living room with a bowl in case he threw up. Being scared silly of vomiting in any context, that left me the kitchen (right off the living room, and covered with food and dirty dishes at the mo) to decompress in, silently, since I couldn't disturb Neil. Or go to bed.

I am sure it's hormones but I felt so weird and unhappy. I got Neil a drink and sat in the dark living room crying without any noise while he dozed for a bit. After a while he decided to go up to bed, and once he did and I closed the door behind him, I completely lost it. The amount of crying and not being able to stop after a while made me scared, and I didn't know what to do so I ended up picking the phone up and calling Heather at 9.45pm. I think I just wanted to tell her that I was feeling hormonal and overwhelmed, and to know that she would be praying for me would make me feel better. That and to hear someone's voice, listening to me.

Such a surreal thing, emotions are. To me, anyway. I am not used to them, or how I feel and sound when I give in to them. I told Heather briefly about the day, and that I was feeling just burnt-out and she listened so sympathetically, which was balm to my soul. She suggested coming round tomorrow to help in some way with the boys, and I said that there's illness here and I didn't want her to get it. She said that she wouldn't be kissing Neil, and my laugh turned into a whole bunch of sobbing, and I told her that I just felt so miserable and I didn't know what was going wrong with my head. She said, "I'm coming. I won't be long. Hang on." and was on my doorstep 5 minutes later.

She spent two hours listening, saying soothing things, making sure I was hydrated (lol, a true doula in any situation!), just letting me cry and talk. After a little bit she asked to pray for me, and OH how I needed that! We must have prayed together for an hour or more. So much that God is doing in me. There's some hurt and stuff inside - waaaay deep where I must have hidden it a long time ago - that I am too scared to hand over to God. We prayed into that for a good while but I just can't bring myself to release that yet. I know I need to, and it's doing me no good hanging on. And I'm believing a lie that it will be more painful to release it than to keep it stuffed. But still I hang on, for now. So much peace though, from the prayer time. Every time I said, "But God, THIS!" instantly a Bible verse contradicting it came to mind. Eventually I said, "But God, I'm worried about my baby!" and instantly the baby kicked my hand, which was lying over my tiny bump, for the first time. It was no longer than one second after I said the word baby, seriously. I love God! :) I haven't felt any really good little kicks yet, and none have ever been strong enough to reach my hand through my "layers". Immediately I felt such peace, and even felt like laughing for joy! :) After that I felt less achy inside and unhappy, and we spent some time praying LIFE over this baby I'm carrying. Which was really special to me.

Eventually Samuel woke for a feed, and after I came back down, Heather suggested that she (and maybe her daughter if she wants to) come round tomorrow morning to help me take the boys to the park. One of the main things upsetting me about the boys is that it seems like they are not getting out of the house much right now, what with one thing and another, and I feel so bad about it. It's such hard work taking them all out, physically, and can be rather difficult emotionally when they have a mind to be mischievous and I am kind of fragile in that department. So I was just amazed at Heather suggesting that she come and help! Bless her heart, she is so wonderful! She is also helping me the day after by going to the scan with me. I can't get over how much God is blessing us right now through Heather and her family. I'm honestly in AWE of it. And I just love her so much. She's a wonderful friend, and I praise God for bringing her into my life!

She had me tell her about my favourite place in the world, and also how I met God - both things which make me feel happy and glowy inside. And then she went home, and I realised I had not finished my Tesco order in time and it can't be cancelled now, so tomorrow they'll be delivering a pack of bendy straws instead of a whole big bunch of groceries, for a delivery price of £4.50!!! Oh well! You've got to laugh, I suppose! ;)

Samuel has been wakeful since then, and now I've come down it's really late, but I feel like I want to "download" all this stuff to help me feel lighter about it. And I do, so I'm glad, even though I'll be tired from it tomorrow. I am so encouraged by my little baby's kick this evening! :) And I am going to bed now. I'll update very soon, as the scan is only 2 days away. Hopefully everything will be okay.