Back again. I guess I need to write here more at the moment.
I just put my belly pic in Sausage's belly gallery. The link is to the whole list of allll my babies' belly galleries (except Arthur's which is at the old pregnancy diary - must transfer a ton of posts over here sometime!), and Sausage's stuff is at the top. I'm really kind of concerned now, seeing the picture - it does show what I've been feeling, that I'm really not showing much for 16 weeks. I think I actually look smaller than I did at 11 weeks, but Neil pointed out that could be due to bloating at 11 weeks. But, that's typical for me in ALL my pregnancies and there's always a definite progression of growth from the 10/11 week belly pic, through the 14 week one, to the 16 week one. Each one is always bigger than the previous one. All my 16 week belly pics from my other pregnancies are bigger than I currently am - especially Benjamin's! I missed a photo that week with Samuel... And Nathan's 16 week picture is probably the smallest of the bunch, but still there is growth through from 10 weeks that I am not showing this time.
I am probably (maybe) blowing everything out of proportion, but I am just SO. WORRIED. :( I am trying not to dwell on it, but failing miserably. It really isn't helping that I am having the weirdest hormones these past two weeks - more so the past week maybe. I just feel adolescent and weird and unhappy. Very HORMONAL though, not unhappy in another sense. It's hard to shake off, and I am very sensitive to everything, and much more so since Thursday.
I feel like I have had bad news about the baby, that's sort of how I seem to have internalised it, even though that's stupid because I HAVEN'T, and I'm jumping the gun.... But I do. I feel anxious and unhappy, and completely unmotivated to do anything at all. I am wearing some nice cosy PJs in the belly pic, which I put on to go to bed on Thursday evening and am still wearing. I just feel in such a slump, and the big boys are being so horrid and difficult, and I'm being all weird and feeling like they're picking on me instead of being a grown-up and dealing with it. They make me want to run upstairs and cry, and I just have zero motivation to do anything with the boys at all these last couple of days. I feel such a horrible mother :( I know I'm not REALLY, but that kind of head knowledge isn't really sinking in at the moment. Right at this moment I am not particularly being a GOOD mother, which is sad. The boys are watching DVDs and playing happily for the most part. And otherwise giving me a lot of trouble (attitudes and disobeying and acting deaf and the usual kid stuff) - I am just dealing with it soooo badly, emotionally.
Ugh.
Anyway. I have had some advice here and there from people who have BTDT, and some have been wrong about their dates (I know I'm not), and others have ended up with 2nd trimester miscarriages. Yep. Often the first sign of a chromosomal abnormality that hasn't already ended in an early miscarriage, is restricted growth in the 2nd trimester or beyond. Those are the types of abnormalities that aren't compatible with life. OR maybe everything is fine and I have a little baby in there? Or some other reason that I can't actually find at the moment? One lady is currently pregnant (33 weeks I think) and her baby has been diagnosed with Intra Uterine Growth Restriction since 18 weeks, and they've found no reason so far. They are continuing to monitor the baby until birth, so I don't know the outcome on that one. Another lady's uterus was retro-flexed at this kind of stage and as it got bigger it caught up FAST in the "showing" department!
I don't know about those things for me, because it's my 6th pregnancy and I find it hard to believe my uterus could go flexing differently than it ever has before after all this time, to the point where I look less pregnant than I should (when I NEVER do at any stage of any of my pregnancies). Some folks are saying (sweetly, to reassure!), maybe it's a girl this time?! And maybe it is! But I should still measure 16 weeks when I'm 16 weeks, surely? I just can't think of a good explanation. None of them seem to hold water for me.
Soooo Neil and I have had some discussions. He feels sure the baby is fine, well, he did until he saw my belly gallery with the new picture up, and now he is praying with me that all is well. He saw Benjamin's 16 week picture and said, "THAT'S 16 weeks?!.... Oh."
We have decided that Heather will accompany me to the scan on Tuesday, and he will be off work that day (he has finished some work ahead of time, and they are really good about him taking off for appointments and such) and stay home with all 5 boys. I actually really WANT Heather with me, although I would ideally have both of them if I could. I feel scared. I hope I am wrong, and everything turns out to be fine and dandy (and it COULD!). But I am scared until I know.
If something is wrong with the baby, I know what I would choose, when they start discussing options with me, and Neil says it's my body and I'm the one carrying the baby, and he would want me to make the decisions at the time if I am happy to. I told him they might offer me an amniocentesis to diagnose a chromosomal problem if it's a possibility, and that I would decline. I don't want the small risk of miscarriage. I don't want anything invasive, even if it would give us answers. It would be helpful to KNOW but it wouldn't change anything other than that. If our baby has a problem that means it may die at any point during the pregnancy, be stillborn, or die shortly after birth, I would not, and will never terminate a pregnancy. I just can't play God. As unbearable as it must be to carry it out, I would choose to continue the pregnancy until God decided to take the baby home. If I was blessed with a few minutes or hours with my baby in my arms before that point, I would be forever grateful and so very glad not to have chosen an alternative earlier on. I don't know how anyone bears that though...
So Neil is happy with those choices - they would be his too. I think that's all I need to have covered with him before going to the scan. He doesn't like the name Rachel, but if it's a girl and she will not live, I NEED to call her Rachel. I haven't asked him yet because I will cry if I do, and I can't be on with that right now. But if it does all come to that, I hope he will be happy to let me.
Now that we're all prepared, I should put it out of my head and just wait for Tuesday, where hopefully all will be well! :) It's harder than I thought, though.
I phoned Heather today to tell her I would like her to come with me to the scan instead of babysitting some of the boys, and she is happy to do whatever we want her to. She asked how I was doing, and I said I was having trouble putting one foot in front of the other mentally and emotionally, but physically I am fine. I think it is mainly hormones - bad timing for those at this particular time, hey?! :) I told her the same as I wrote here, that it just feels like I have received bad news about the baby, when I haven't yet, and it's hard to see straight about Tuesday. She reminded me to focus on the Lord, and that is the best advice really.
I was calling her upstairs because we are saying nothing to the boys, obviously, except that I am having a scan on Tuesday (they knew I wasn't due one until January) just to check the baby and see how big he or she is. They know Heather is going with me and that Daddy is home with them that day, and that I might get to see whether the baby is a boy or a girl. Maybe! As soon as I put the phone down, I sat in the quiet and wondered what to say to God. I told him that I hope my baby is okay. And that I was scared to ask Him to make the baby be okay if he/she wasn't going to be. But that I trusted Him. Then I remembered something from a song we sing at church called "Blessed be the name of the Lord":
He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, "Lord, blessed be Your name!" Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name!
So I found myself praising Him for GIVING, for giving me this child. And accepting if He takes this child away. And crying and crying my heart out. And telling Him that I will praise His name all the same because He is just WORTHY of it, no matter what happens, or what He in his perfect wisdom decides is part of our journey. I am pretty sure that if He "takes away" this time, it is not going to be easy at ALL to CHOOSE to bless His name all the time, but I sure as heck am going to put my best foot forward. I love Him. I trust Him. I cling to Him because apart from Him there is no other, and (oh this is from another wonderful song!) why would I turn my back on the only shelter I have from the storm? And anyway, He is always worthy of my praise.
So now I think I should be "done" with the what-ifs and the emotional rollercoaster, and hopefully will just rest more peacefully about it until Tuesday. I hope, I hope, I hope. I don't like uncertainty! I hope my hormones will come about and I will feel lighter and cope generally better than I have been for a while. That will help TONS.
I am sure I will post again soon. Neil has a heavy cold this weekend which I guess he picked up at work. I'm desperately hoping the boys and I don't get it. I could do without the addition of a cold that hits me like a truck (as they tend to when I'm pregnant), and I think alllll our kiddies would not be clear of coldiness by Christmas which might mean we have to miss spending Christmas Day with my family (due to grandparents of somewhat frail health in their mid-80s!), and I would feel so so so distraught about that if it happened! I hope everything turns out okay this week...
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