Thank you SO much for the responses to my entry here yesterday. I am so relieved and grateful for the support, and for how gentle you were in your comments. Thank you!
Today has been different. So exhausting and difficult, emotionally, and physically, but different in a good way. Heather came round today from about 10am - she comes round once a week at the moment for the whole day to tackle my housework and help with the boys. This past week I have seen so much of her (I love this! :) ). Church on Sunday - oh, I haven't said this at Facebook yet because like 25 people on my friends list are from the church we've been to for 13 years and which we haven't been to for the past year, but we started attending Heather's church (really local to us, and we know several other families there too) in August. We love it. The kids love it, and are happily attending the children's groups (100+ children at this church, and the kids' work is AMAZING. Nathan is in the reception class and currently enjoying it so long as his beloved Rosanna is there with him. She is Heather's teenaged daughter and happily sits with him and helps him with the crafts, etc.). We've been there for maybe 5 weeks, and are now SURE we're staying, so I need to contact my church leaders and just get their blessing on our move, officially. Anyway, yay, church! And YAY, Heather's church! :) The morning service is much much shorter than our old church which is far more suitable for our family, and they have an evening worship service with prayer ministry afterwards, so Neil and I alternate attending the evening meetings on Sundays, WITHOUT children with us - so refreshing to be able to just focus and worship, etc. I take Elijah so he can breastfeed when he wants to, but last time I left him here with Neil and it was fine. I love that when I went for prayer at the end of the service on Sunday evening, Heather was on the ministry team and prayed for me! :)
Anyway, so I saw her twice on Sunday, then on Monday she took Matthew and Nathan to her house for the morning, and returned them at lunchtime, then today she spent the whole day here, and tomorrow she is coming in the morning to watch the boys while I take Elijah for our osteopath appointments - I am getting treatment for my back now, too (so far not making any difference). Elijah is doing great and they don't need to see him very often now. Neil can't work from home tomorrow morning like he usually can when I have to go to the osteopath, and I was going to cancel, but Heather said she would come and cover me! She's wonderful. I know I'm a broken record, but I just love her so much. I keep saying that it seems a bit much to ask of her, but she just replies that I didn't ask, she offered! She always puts me in my place when I say things like that! ;)
So this morning was pretty much worse than yesterday, as far as coping with things went. Heather came round at 10ish and the boys were still in pyjamas (which they've worn more than day clothes for over a week now), little ones were still in night nappies (I know that's AWFUL. Awful.), the house was the most dreadful disaster site, Elijah was crying and cranky but not wanting to feed, and Samuel had just taken his nappy off. These are normal happenings for the most part, but I was dealing with things even less well than usual, and starting to feel like my emotions were giving me some sort of goitre feeling in my neck. I couldn't get to sleep for a good while again last night, just heavy hearted, and Elijah woke twice after that, and then when I got up for the day I didn't get any appetite for breakfast. I just felt queasy, shaky-tired and dizzy. Not the best start!
Heather brought a meal for dinner that she'd organised - she called friends who are good at that sort of thing and organised a rota!!! People I have never even met!!! She didn't realise I was struggling until I mentioned it when asking for prayer on Sunday, and swung this into action since then. So lovely.
Arthur and Matthew were going crazy hyper when she arrived, and wouldn't stop when I asked them to. They were a bit out of character with it really, but it was driving me crazy - they were leaping about wrestling and going nuts with little boys next to them, and not stopping when I told them to. I was sitting right next to Elijah on the floor after changing his nappy, and suddenly Arthur lunged after Matthew, and Matthew stepped right on Elijah's arm! I yelled, "NO!!!", grabbed my baby off the floor to comfort him, and shouted, "YOU STOOD ON ELIJAH!!!" The whole room went silent, and everybody seemed to freeze while I kissed my poor screaming baby and whispered soothing things into his ear. Heather hasn't seen me lose it with my kids before, so I figured I needed to calm down quick - it was just instinctive before, to do what I did. After a few moments, I used a calm voice to tell them that this is what happens when they disobey me, and sent them into different corners of the room for a good long while, until I could calm myself and Elijah down. They did so very meekly!
We got the boys ready for the day and they went out in the garden. Heather started working in the kitchen, and boys started whining at each other outside, and telling tales on each other to me in very annoying tones. The usual, but somehow outside of my scope this morning. Heather helped me eventually, because I couldn't do it. When they went back outside, she said I should go upstairs and feed Elijah, and that I looked like I could do with a break. I just said, "I'm not coping." She said, "Oh, you will later." and I said, "No. I mean every day, I'm not coping." She just said that it was just a blip, and I felt a bit brushed off, so I went upstairs and nursed my little one. When I came down a few minutes later (he didn't really want to feed, and wouldn't go to sleep either), I needed to go out and pick up some medication for Nathan from a chemist, and Heather suggested I take a boy with me. Usually I do this, because it's great for a bit of one-to-one time, but today I said I didn't want to, and that I needed some space. She was wonderful, and said to just GO and have a cup of coffee afterwards and read a book for a while. I so didn't want to. I felt like I would be miserable company for myself, and that I would be pretending to take a break without it being remotely beneficial. I really just wanted to go and cry somewhere.
In the end, I picked up the medicine, bought a couple of food items that we needed, and decided to take myself and a Bible to the cemetery. I haven't been there for ages. I just wanted private space to sit in the car without passers-by looking in the window at me as they went past. The cemetery is private and quiet, scenic and tranquil, and a place where I have let a lot of emotion out before. Being emotional at a cemetery is normal. I suddenly really wanted to go there. I went to Cameron's grave and stroked the petals on his flowers and traced his name on his gravestone with my finger, and said that I was sorry it had been a while since I came. It was so quiet, and the only couple of people were way over the other side of the cemetery. The air smelled woody and lovely from the rain we've had, and I sat down on a rock by the path and cried without having to worry about keeping it the silent or "breathy" type of crying, and wept over my tiny baby who never finished growing, and the other things that were plugging up my heart, and prayed aloud to God for a long time. I read my Bible - Isaiah 40, where verse 11 says:
He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
And verses 28 - 31 say:
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
And those encouraged me so much. And I read Matthew 11:28-30 which says:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Such tender words, and it seemed to be exactly on the mark for me. That's what I need, EXACTLY what I need. I am weary and burdened, that's me exactly! The words that Jesus was speaking - come, I'll give you rest for your soul; come, I'll be gentle with you because I love you. Come and swap your heavy burden for my light, easy one. Reading it broke me into little pieces and I cried and prayed over it for a while.
Then I went home. I put the A/C on blowing on my face all the way home, and didn't look particularly teary when I arrived, thankfully. Heather was doing housework with my very hungry and sad baby in one arm, and the boys were eating the lunch she had made for them, having washed their hands when they came in from the garden! In the afternoon, Heather's daughter came round and I took her and 5 of my boys to the park in the van, while Heather had a chance to really get stuck in on the housework and be available for Elijah, who had started his Big Long Sleep that he has in the afternoons now. He only woke 15 minutes before we got home, and funnily enough that is when I was loading boys into the van at the park and my milk let down! :) Love that! I am pretty well tuned into my babies, and that's wonderful. I missed him! I came home and just snuggled him in my arms and told him I had missed him. The boys were playing in the living room, and Heather was with me in the kitchen, watching and enjoying me loving on my baby. I pointed out his mole - OH! I forgot to say! Elijah (I typed Toby. That's the first time I have done that. :( ) has a little mole at his hairline on his forehead! He's my only child to ever have a mole in babyhood. I love this special fact, because of course identical twins - IF they have a mole - will usually both have that mole (or two, where the other has one) in the same place. Mirror image twins will get the same mole on opposite sides. And, of course, Elijah's mole is on his right side. I call it his "Toby mole" and I kiss it all the time, because I know Toby would have had one in the same place on his left side. It has been there from maybe a few weeks old, but for a good few weeks I thought it was a spot or blemish or something, because it started out a sort of reddish colour, and now it has "browned-up" to look more like a mole or freckle. Yesterday Elijah pooed up to his shoulders and I had to give him a bath. When I got him out and wrapped him in a towel, I held him in front of the bathroom mirror to distract and calm him. Every time I do that, I have to catch my breath for a moment - odd to me that I never learn that I'll feel this way the next time, and just do it again anyway! :/ - because there is my little mirror baby IN the mirror, as he might well have looked if he had made it to my arms. Yesterday I accidentally called him Toby when I was chatting in a sing-song baby voice to him in the mirror to make him smile, and it made me feel really not-nice strange :(
Anyway. So I pointed his Toby mole out to Heather, and explained about the mirror twin thing (I had already told her about the hair-whorl previously). She was holding him then, and lifted him up in the air and said, "Did you have a baby brother? DID you?!" and I suddenly blurted out that I missed him terribly and felt so silly, but that it ached and I didn't expect it to, and surely it should have gone away by now, but it was my biggest heavy-heart issue at the moment. She asked me why on earth I thought it was silly, and told me grief does what grief does, in its own time. She had 3 miscarriages years ago and named her babies, and grieved for them. I told her Toby's name and she said it was lovely. It helped me to talk to her about it a bit, while I scrambled eggs and made toast and stuff for the boys' tea. I couldn't talk about it without my hands shaking and my voice quavering, which I didn't expect either. There's no time for a good cry when several little people are at the kitchen gate, simultaneously saying, "Can I come in to watch? WHY not?! When's it ready? Is it ready yet? WHY not?! Ohhhh, WHEN will it be ready?!" etc. Even Samuel joins in, saying, "Reh-reh??" lol! Heather asked me if I thought counselling would help, and I said I didn't fancy having to go for counselling, yet. again. For another issue in my life. Again. So she asked what I needed. I said I thought I needed to talk and pray. She is going to talk to the lady who leads the ministry team at our church, to arrange for me to have some extended prayer time - more than I would have the opportunity for after a church service. I think that will help me a lot.
I feel queasy exhausted tonight - it feels like the day has just been a marathon both physically (we walked SO far at the park and I had to carry a tired Samuel some of the way!) and emotionally, and I'm done in. Neil phoned from work to say that I should go late night shopping tonight and buy myself something to wear - such a sweet sweet thing to say, and so unexpected! I know he must sense that I am struggling and wants to make me feel better in some way. I ended up feeling too tired out to go out tonight, but I did talk to Neil while dinner was cooking, about everything from today, and about how I have been feeling lately. Without emotion, just matter of fact really. He had no idea I was still struggling with losing Toby. Why do I still feel guilty phrasing it, "losing Toby"?!! I just do, when I type it. I feel wrong, like it's not a big enough loss when there are some really devastating ones out there, really I do. I think if it was someone else grieving in my place then I would have sympathy towards them and feel that they have every reason to grieve and NO reason to feel badly about it, but I can't seem to extend the same to myself, for some odd reason. In my heart, I've lost him. I've LOST him, and it hurts, and I feel like I miss him so much. In writing, or to a listening ear, I feel squeamish about saying those words. I prefer saying vague things like, "to do with Toby" rather than talking of loss, because what do I know of real loss? Urgh, I don't know.
Anyway. Heather said that it doesn't matter a jot if they were the size of an eyelash or whatever, they were still her babies, and she grieved their loss. So I guess that's me as well.
Oh I wish this part could just fast-forward, it's so pointless to be so sad and have no way to speed up the process and get on with life again. What's the point in grieving when it can't change a thing about anything? Can't I just get my feelings out with a bang and then that's it, all better, case closed? What's the point in it dragging on and on, and ebbing and flowing like it does - better one day or even a few days running, dwelling less on thoughts of Toby, and then pulling me under again for no apparent reason. I wish I could just have the option - a switch - so that I could choose to do this for a while, or just NOT, and be done with it. Click.
I have to go to bed. I see Elijah stirring on the video monitor and I need to get ready for bed before he wakes for a feed. Hopefully the physical exertion and emotional outpouring today will mean I don't lie awake at all tonight, and can get some sleep. I do feel better, less pressured inside, than I did yesterday evening, and I'm so glad of that. I will update again soon, and talk about something else sometime as well! Thanks for upholding me, friends. xxx
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Just not coping too well...
... and I'm not sure why. I'm writing it here in case it is hormone related somehow. And because it feels a little more sheltered and intimate here. I have intentionally NOT written about it for several weeks. Well, I did make reference (for myself) with an untitled post a couple of weeks ago, and nothing in it. I opened the box wanting to write all my feelings but when it came to staring at the white box it just felt like too much effort. I had got that far a couple of times before, and then done nothing about it. But I just wanted to make a personal reference for myself, so I left an empty entry.
I do not know what is going on with me lately. I feel overwhelmed with life. We sold our house a couple of weeks ago and we are looking for somewhere to move to. I want to stay local. I'm a "roots" girl, and moving within the same ROAD would stress me out. I have lived in this town since I was a baby. That's a big deal, so it could make things seem overwhelming, but I'm not so sure that it's that.
The kids are overwhelming right now. I am trying to do school, albeit much more relaxed without too much structure right now (which suits all of us well at the moment, and I'm so thankful for the freedom that homeschooling gives us to do that!) and that is hard work. Sometimes it's easy and a joy, and I wonder what on earth could have made it seem such a huge mountain to climb before! The boys are in need of more space now that they are growing bigger, and I'm glad we've sold our home so that we are well on the way to making that happen for them. They are out in the (tiny) garden again too which helps. But meanwhile they're hard to handle at home. And next to impossible to take out all together. And it's only me, so I can't take some and not others. Sometimes Heather helps - oh she is so wonderful. I don't know how I would ever be coping at ALL without her right now, and I am completely serious about that. She takes a couple of boys to her house and they do school-ish activities for the morning on occasion. She takes a couple on a day trip to a museum. She takes some to the swings, or I do while she stays home with some others. She makes life manageable, but I'm afraid of being too dependent, and what that says about me.
I wonder what I was thinking, having so many children so close together, when life seems impossible. Heather reminds me that I was obeying my God, and that he will bless and reward me, and I know she's right. It doesn't change the "moment" though, at the time.
My children are 7, 6, 4, 3, 21 months, and 4 months (tomorrow! Can you believe it?!). That is a lot of little boys in 7 years! ;) Of COURSE life is hard, there might not even BE a harder parenting season than having 6 aged 7 and under. "They" say it gets easier as the older ones get older, even if more babies come along at the same time.
Money is tight right now. That's nothing new, but it's the way it is. I don't think that's really it either.
I am not sure what I am doing (again!) with parenting. Seeeeeriously not sure what I'm doing. I know all parents say that, but really really, people. This mama has no clue, and cannot wing it with this many kidlets. I am finding this aspect very overwhelming right now.
We've had a bad cold lately, and the boys are all snotty-but-drying-up and coughing. Not a big deal, except that it disrupted school a little bit for a day or two. Neil caught it at work, and it gave him a migraine, which coincided with a weekend, and thus he was in bed all weekend. I forget (take for granted, I guess - not good!) how much I need the weekends to recharge and have another parent around, and just for a change of pace. And the lie-ins! ;) I need those badly. Elijah still wakes quite a bit at night.
Elijah has had the cold the worst, and for a few nights running I got maybe 90 minutes of sleep broken up each night. Poor baby had a fever and couldn't breathe well, and just was MISERABLE. It's hard to cope well (even if I had been coping well to start with, which, um, I wasn't) on very little sleep. I haven't caught up with my sleep since he's been sleeping a bit better. He is currently going to bed at bedtime (7.30pm or so), napping 30 minutes instead of sleeping all evening like he was before the cold, and being awake and alert until like 11pm or later. He wants holding a lot of that time, because he's tired, and he gets really fussy and screechy, but can't seem to drop off or stay asleep. So that's tiring, and Neil helps a LOT. But then I go to bed late evening once he's settled, and lately I am having trouble falling asleep.
I don't know. My heart is just heavy. It keeps me awake. Heavy, achy heart. Lots of things about life being "full-on" right now, but there's a blanket of ache over everything. Not super thick and hard to permeate, because it isn't like that. I can carry on and I'm not debilitated (sp?), but there's a nagging ache in the background, no matter the time of day or night, and no matter what is going on at the time, any time.
I do wonder about hormones, though I think they're not a major part of things. The ONLY thing that makes me wonder about them is the fact that for the last 3 days I have really found it almost unbearable to tandem nurse Benjamin and Samuel together. When they are both latched on, and my milk lets down, I physically feel like pulling my own skin off. It's a horrid crawly feeling and deeply instinctive, so I guess it has hormonal roots. I have no idea where I am in my cycle, because I haven't been temping, and haven't noticed EWCM or anything since my last period, which I forgot to chart and which was super light. I think it was the first week of Sept - the day I decided to take all 6 boys to the pick-your-own farm on a very hot day by myself, lol! ;)
The main reason for the heavy thing is Toby. I feel daft, to the point of not wanting to tell anyone really, even Neil. But I ache, and I didn't expect to. I feel shame-faced being public about that feeling, because I personally know friends who have recently experienced dreadful losses, and this is just almost silly in comparison. But I ache.
Oh I'm trying to type this while I make macaroni cheese sauce, which is done now and the thing needs assembling, but Elijah just woke up and is crying and while he did that, Neil phoned to say he might have to stay late until like the middle of the night. Urrrrrgh. See, overwhelming. Any hour contains this kind of thing, and I sort of want to get off the ride for a minute and let everything stop spinning. All I know is that I need to close out other influences and focus in on God right now, more than ever. I need him so badly. Okay I have to go. But I'll try to update again soon. This is the only opportunity I ever get to "talk" - absolutely zero real life sources right now, and I'm going slightly crazy over it. Too much pressured up in my heart. I will be back soon.
I do not know what is going on with me lately. I feel overwhelmed with life. We sold our house a couple of weeks ago and we are looking for somewhere to move to. I want to stay local. I'm a "roots" girl, and moving within the same ROAD would stress me out. I have lived in this town since I was a baby. That's a big deal, so it could make things seem overwhelming, but I'm not so sure that it's that.
The kids are overwhelming right now. I am trying to do school, albeit much more relaxed without too much structure right now (which suits all of us well at the moment, and I'm so thankful for the freedom that homeschooling gives us to do that!) and that is hard work. Sometimes it's easy and a joy, and I wonder what on earth could have made it seem such a huge mountain to climb before! The boys are in need of more space now that they are growing bigger, and I'm glad we've sold our home so that we are well on the way to making that happen for them. They are out in the (tiny) garden again too which helps. But meanwhile they're hard to handle at home. And next to impossible to take out all together. And it's only me, so I can't take some and not others. Sometimes Heather helps - oh she is so wonderful. I don't know how I would ever be coping at ALL without her right now, and I am completely serious about that. She takes a couple of boys to her house and they do school-ish activities for the morning on occasion. She takes a couple on a day trip to a museum. She takes some to the swings, or I do while she stays home with some others. She makes life manageable, but I'm afraid of being too dependent, and what that says about me.
I wonder what I was thinking, having so many children so close together, when life seems impossible. Heather reminds me that I was obeying my God, and that he will bless and reward me, and I know she's right. It doesn't change the "moment" though, at the time.
My children are 7, 6, 4, 3, 21 months, and 4 months (tomorrow! Can you believe it?!). That is a lot of little boys in 7 years! ;) Of COURSE life is hard, there might not even BE a harder parenting season than having 6 aged 7 and under. "They" say it gets easier as the older ones get older, even if more babies come along at the same time.
Money is tight right now. That's nothing new, but it's the way it is. I don't think that's really it either.
I am not sure what I am doing (again!) with parenting. Seeeeeriously not sure what I'm doing. I know all parents say that, but really really, people. This mama has no clue, and cannot wing it with this many kidlets. I am finding this aspect very overwhelming right now.
We've had a bad cold lately, and the boys are all snotty-but-drying-up and coughing. Not a big deal, except that it disrupted school a little bit for a day or two. Neil caught it at work, and it gave him a migraine, which coincided with a weekend, and thus he was in bed all weekend. I forget (take for granted, I guess - not good!) how much I need the weekends to recharge and have another parent around, and just for a change of pace. And the lie-ins! ;) I need those badly. Elijah still wakes quite a bit at night.
Elijah has had the cold the worst, and for a few nights running I got maybe 90 minutes of sleep broken up each night. Poor baby had a fever and couldn't breathe well, and just was MISERABLE. It's hard to cope well (even if I had been coping well to start with, which, um, I wasn't) on very little sleep. I haven't caught up with my sleep since he's been sleeping a bit better. He is currently going to bed at bedtime (7.30pm or so), napping 30 minutes instead of sleeping all evening like he was before the cold, and being awake and alert until like 11pm or later. He wants holding a lot of that time, because he's tired, and he gets really fussy and screechy, but can't seem to drop off or stay asleep. So that's tiring, and Neil helps a LOT. But then I go to bed late evening once he's settled, and lately I am having trouble falling asleep.
I don't know. My heart is just heavy. It keeps me awake. Heavy, achy heart. Lots of things about life being "full-on" right now, but there's a blanket of ache over everything. Not super thick and hard to permeate, because it isn't like that. I can carry on and I'm not debilitated (sp?), but there's a nagging ache in the background, no matter the time of day or night, and no matter what is going on at the time, any time.
I do wonder about hormones, though I think they're not a major part of things. The ONLY thing that makes me wonder about them is the fact that for the last 3 days I have really found it almost unbearable to tandem nurse Benjamin and Samuel together. When they are both latched on, and my milk lets down, I physically feel like pulling my own skin off. It's a horrid crawly feeling and deeply instinctive, so I guess it has hormonal roots. I have no idea where I am in my cycle, because I haven't been temping, and haven't noticed EWCM or anything since my last period, which I forgot to chart and which was super light. I think it was the first week of Sept - the day I decided to take all 6 boys to the pick-your-own farm on a very hot day by myself, lol! ;)
The main reason for the heavy thing is Toby. I feel daft, to the point of not wanting to tell anyone really, even Neil. But I ache, and I didn't expect to. I feel shame-faced being public about that feeling, because I personally know friends who have recently experienced dreadful losses, and this is just almost silly in comparison. But I ache.
Oh I'm trying to type this while I make macaroni cheese sauce, which is done now and the thing needs assembling, but Elijah just woke up and is crying and while he did that, Neil phoned to say he might have to stay late until like the middle of the night. Urrrrrgh. See, overwhelming. Any hour contains this kind of thing, and I sort of want to get off the ride for a minute and let everything stop spinning. All I know is that I need to close out other influences and focus in on God right now, more than ever. I need him so badly. Okay I have to go. But I'll try to update again soon. This is the only opportunity I ever get to "talk" - absolutely zero real life sources right now, and I'm going slightly crazy over it. Too much pressured up in my heart. I will be back soon.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Toby
Further to my last post here, this is just a p.s. I suppose, that I wanted to write before time passes and it never gets done. It's late and I should be sleeping, but I'm still pondering... I'm not wasting my time, I promise. This has been kind of deep within me for a long time now. I felt so silly about it, like people would think me daft if I admitted it. I DO think Elijah had a twin. I thought it at the time when it was suspected at the first scan. I have thought about it since, even knowing that by then, there wasn't a twin there. I STILL think about it, not wistfully like I wish it could be, but just because it's a fact of the matter, deep down - you know? I can't explain it any better.
Because I didn't get bashed for the idea when I finally wrote about it (!!), I feel safer admitting the next bit - that he has a name. Identical twins are obviously the same gender, so I know the little lefty-bean was a boy, and how blessed I am to know exactly what he would have looked like! :) Happy closure comes, for me, with naming him. I don't have to try to name him, because I knew immediately when I first thought that he existed, what his name would be. He isn't. Well, he WAS, but he isn't here now, and maybe some might think he might as well not be named because he "barely" existed (if there's even evidence enough to support that). But I feel so so so sure, I can't explain. I'm glad that somebody professional questioned at the scan - that even they thought they saw a second baby and a second heartbeat. I'm glad I have visible evidence of Elijah's hair whorl to really give weight to that original suspicion.
I know I said last entry at one point, "What would his name have been?" or something like that. But I knew his name. I don't know why I even put that. I guess I felt nervous.
His name is Toby David. Because... I don't even know why his name is Toby. I just knew, when I first said out loud, "Elijah and..." Toby just fell into place in that sentence without even a second's delay, and I was certain of his name immediately. I had no idea of its meaning. I wanted David next to it because I knew it had something to do with love, as a meaning, and I liked that.
Well just now, I looked them up.
Toby - from the Hebrew "Tobias" - "God is good".
David - Hebrew - "Beloved".
My heart is just about overflowing now that I've seen those meanings - how perfect! God is good ALL the time, no matter how it feels or seems. He's always good. He was good in allowing Toby to die, in order to keep Elijah safe, if that is how it happened. Toby is an example to me of how God is good, plain as day, simple fact. And beloved is so wonderful, so perfect to have in his name. Because obviously, he's completely beloved, and I'm glad to name him with that description of my heart for him.
That's all really. I feel really good to give him a name and actually tell someone. I don't think I will refer to him often. I still somehow feel a bit daft calling him by name and referring to him as a person, because MAYBE he didn't even exist after all? But I am sure he did. That's all I can say. I love how the names Elijah and Toby sound together, and I would love to be referring to them together on a daily basis now, but I am content with my GOOD God's plan, and my happy place in it. :)
Because I didn't get bashed for the idea when I finally wrote about it (!!), I feel safer admitting the next bit - that he has a name. Identical twins are obviously the same gender, so I know the little lefty-bean was a boy, and how blessed I am to know exactly what he would have looked like! :) Happy closure comes, for me, with naming him. I don't have to try to name him, because I knew immediately when I first thought that he existed, what his name would be. He isn't. Well, he WAS, but he isn't here now, and maybe some might think he might as well not be named because he "barely" existed (if there's even evidence enough to support that). But I feel so so so sure, I can't explain. I'm glad that somebody professional questioned at the scan - that even they thought they saw a second baby and a second heartbeat. I'm glad I have visible evidence of Elijah's hair whorl to really give weight to that original suspicion.
I know I said last entry at one point, "What would his name have been?" or something like that. But I knew his name. I don't know why I even put that. I guess I felt nervous.
His name is Toby David. Because... I don't even know why his name is Toby. I just knew, when I first said out loud, "Elijah and..." Toby just fell into place in that sentence without even a second's delay, and I was certain of his name immediately. I had no idea of its meaning. I wanted David next to it because I knew it had something to do with love, as a meaning, and I liked that.
Well just now, I looked them up.
Toby - from the Hebrew "Tobias" - "God is good".
David - Hebrew - "Beloved".
My heart is just about overflowing now that I've seen those meanings - how perfect! God is good ALL the time, no matter how it feels or seems. He's always good. He was good in allowing Toby to die, in order to keep Elijah safe, if that is how it happened. Toby is an example to me of how God is good, plain as day, simple fact. And beloved is so wonderful, so perfect to have in his name. Because obviously, he's completely beloved, and I'm glad to name him with that description of my heart for him.
That's all really. I feel really good to give him a name and actually tell someone. I don't think I will refer to him often. I still somehow feel a bit daft calling him by name and referring to him as a person, because MAYBE he didn't even exist after all? But I am sure he did. That's all I can say. I love how the names Elijah and Toby sound together, and I would love to be referring to them together on a daily basis now, but I am content with my GOOD God's plan, and my happy place in it. :)
Monday, August 20, 2012
Ponderings without much point to them...
Since Elijah was born, I've just occasionally had my mind drawn to something, and now it's on my mind again so I thought I would blog about it. It's likely NOTHING at all but it's distracting me so I want to get it "out there" and then I'm done.
Elijah has such a sweet little head of hair! He has the least hair of any of my newborns, and hasn't yet got to the stage where he's losing it yet - soon though, if memory serves. Very soon. He is 12 weeks old now, and around now is when their hair usually starts to come out. Maybe a month later is when the new "real" hair starts growing in. My hair starts falling out like crazy at the same time (which I really really dislike!) so I know that is coming soon for me too.
He does HAVE hair though, even though he's the least hairy so far! ;) He has very little on top, but more of the usual amount (for my babies) on the back and sides. He has what I have affectionately referred to as a sweet little twizzle-top! :) His hair at the back grows in one direction while the hair on his crown, right on top at the back, grows the other way entirely, lol! It makes his little bit of hair at the back on top look like it's a little criss-crossing tuft of fluff! Melts my heart :) It's more fluffy and gorgeous when it has just been washed.
Elijah's hair whorl - the circular pattern on the back/top of the head - is different from all the other boys. They all have a hair whorl in the centre of their heads, which is the usual for human beings in general. I know they can vary. Matthew's is off-centre, slightly to the left. The others are all dead-centre. I did some reading on this the other day when I was pondering about it again. I know people have babies who have a right-sided hair whorl, or a left-sided hair whorl, but it's not very common, and it most commonly seems to occur in mirror twins, especially if the other members of the family and other siblings have central whorls. Mirror twins account for 25% of identical twins. They are the ones who have separated the latest. Any later and they would be conjoined twins. They are already developing their left and right sides when they separate, so the two identicals are mirrored in terms of left and right. They have hair whorls on opposite sides of the head, rather than central, and one is right-handed, and the other left-handed, and their dental developments are mirrored, etc, etc.
Elijah's hair whorl is SO far over the right side of his head, if I take a photo of the back of his head it's barely in the photo! Going to make for some interesting practice for me when it's time to cut his hair! ;)
But I wonder... I remember the scan at 6 weeks when the sonographer thought she could see another little blobby baby behind the first one, and another heartbeat. But there was so little room and he was so tiny that it was hard to be sure. I could see what she was seeing, even before she said it to me. She had me come back at 8 weeks for another scan to double check, and when I had that scan there was no sign of any other babies or heart beats, so that was that. It didn't mean there HADN'T been another little one there at six weeks, just that by 8 weeks, there wasn't. Not uncommon, I'm told, with twin conceptions, as many are unknown due to one twin not making it very early on.
Now I wonder all over again, because Elijah has such a strong one-sided hair whorl when it isn't a family trait in our family, and all his siblings do not. If there was another baby in there, they would definitely have been mirror-twins, because I noticed at the time (I blogged about all this at the time, actually) that there was no separating membrane, so they would either have been mirror twins or conjoined twins (and they weren't conjoined I presume, because one of them is here!). If they separate late enough to be mirror or conjoined twins, they share not only a placenta and a sac, but an inner sac as well. I was worried at the time, as I said here, because they would have been mono-mono twins. That would have given quite a high percentage chance of both twins dying too early to be saved - such a risky type of twinning.
I wonder if I really was expecting twins early on, and if so, just as the possible evidence at the first scan suggested, Elijah is the surviving twin from the right side? Pointless ponderings, hence the title, but I keep thinking... I don't mean to, but I just somehow do. In a way I feel sad, like a little reminder whenever I see the back of my sweet boy's head:
...Because what if there was the potential for the most adorable view of a little pair of mirror whorls side-by-side on my lap? What if there was a precious little person with the missing left-sided whorl to match Elijah's exactly, who would turn out to be left-handed, and get the opposite tooth to the first one Elijah gets, within days of his brother? What if there were seven instead of six? What would his name have been? How in the wide world would I have coped with twins?!! ;)
But then I am grateful. And I don't mean just three words on a page, "I am grateful". I am stripped to the core, raw, clutching my heart with emotion GRATEFUL. Because I feel that if I did have mono-mono twins in there, and God allowed one of them to die early, it would have been to save me the heartbreak of progressing further in my pregnancy and then losing them both due to the risks of mono-mono, just before viable gestational age. I can't fathom. I think if I was actually pregnant with twins like we had wondered at the time of the first scan, then if my little left-sided darling had not died, I would not have Elijah here with me now. I would be none the wiser as to his right-sided whorl of dark newborn hair, or his resemblence to Nathan, or his precious smile. It has been quite an exhausting first few months so far with Elijah, because of his distress and things. But I haven't had impatience with him, which is so different to how I felt whenever my first two babies were distressed for hours or wakeful, or fussy. No impatience. Just so grateful that he's here, and a weird sense of gratitude that sometimes feels just so SILLY that I am reluctant to admit it here, because what if I wasn't pregnant with twins in the first place?! ;) But a sense of gratitude towards the little left-hand bean for the laying down of his life, because it might be the reason that Elijah made it into my arms.
I do think about "what if?" and about my "other" little boy, who may not even have been - I will never know here on earth - but he really really might have been, and so of course I think about him, because if he WAS, then he was his own person with a heartbeat, created intentionally, and waiting to meet me and Neil and all of his brothers one day after we die. I feel silly when I don't KNOW if he was really there, but since there's no proof that he wasn't, and there's evidence that he was, I will probably think of him every single time I lay eyes on Elijah's hair whorl for the rest of his life. To me, it's the only physical reference to his existance, and it makes me smile and ache at the same time, but it's overall a good feeling.
So grateful for this baby boy who gives me so much joy, and so glad that, for whatever reason, God has enabled me to hold him and love him and raise him.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
9 weeks old, and back in the saddle again! ;)
NOOOO time to update, but here goes anyway:
* Elijah is 9 weeks old already!!! 10 this coming Sunday! Can't believe it.
* He is doing okay. Pretty much the same - and 8 weeks old was a bad week for him, but so far 9 weeks old is going better for the poor boy! :) It's all so random and unpredictable, but he's getting there I guess. The last osteopath appt (he has them every Friday) was with a different osteopath and he saw a senior osteopath who was supervising as well. They concluded that he is "one uncomfortable baby" :( He has a slight twist to his body through his spine from top to bottom, which isn't unheard of, but which is very difficult to treat apparently. He still has some neck and lower vertebrae issues, but the head compression is much better after several sessions of work on it, and his diaphragm is less tight than it used to be. He seems (apart from the last two or three days) just as distressed and uncomfy as always, so they are suggesting that he comes off the reflux meds if they are not helping, and also that I can go back on dairy again (WOOHOO!!) because if it's not making a difference, it's probably not an issue in the first place. It will be hard to tell if reintroducing dairy makes him react because he is often distressed, and unpredictably so, which would make it hard to link it to something. If he stays happier for more than just these couple of days, I will try adding some dairy back in and see how it goes. I am still giving him the ranitidine 3 times a day, although two different days in the past week I have forgotten to give him one of those doses, because the previous one was late and then distractions happened, etc. Anyway, the missed dose made no difference either of those times - one time he was just as miserable, and the other time was yesterday and he was just as HAPPY as he had been before the missed dose! :) I hope that's a good sign, but I don't really know how these medications work, in terms of time-frames. I am continuing with it for now, until someone tells me not to! I would rather not give him a drug that he doesn't need, but I want to do what's best for him and for him not to be in pain.
* Elijah is smiling and cooing a LOT now, and these past couple of days it's almost been like he's a different baby at times. I daren't mention it online really, lol! Last time I said he'd had his first GOOD day ever, he had the most awful week or two ever starting the next day. He is also cuddling into my front in a relaxed way when I hold him facing me, which he has pretty much never done except for maybe the first couple of weeks here and there. He seems so much like a.... normal baby, today and yesterday. He is still crying quite a lot and seems uncomfy at times, but he spends quite long periods of time (10 mins or so) looking perfectly comfortable and calm and quiet in the bouncy chair, just surveying the blurs of his brothers whizzing around the room. He has started talking to the button numbers we made that are high up on the living room wall (our "school wall"), and smiling at them in a rather flirty way, dare I say it, lol! His eyes are all, "How you doin'?!" with his smile when he looks at those button numbers, hehe! ;)
* He laughed for the first time!!! 8 and a half weeks old. I know that is quite a bit earlier than some of his brothers. I was snorting like a deranged pig, holding him about a foot in front of my face, lol! He opened his mouth wide in a BIG smile, and his eyes went all wide and shiny and twinkly, and then I did it again and he tipped his chin up suddenly and started a chuckle - just one "note" of a chuckle, mind you, and then it was violent hiccups, as they have all done when first making a new sound or action with their little larynx, bless their sweet hearts! :) He has laughed several times today, not just at the piggy snorting sound either, which is just wonderful for me to hear and see. I cried the first time he laughed. I didn't expect to, and it was ecstatically HAPPY tears. I just felt overwhelmed that he laughed, and seemed joyful, after such sadness for all these weeks of his short life. It was a precious moment.
* I got my period!!! I KNEW something hormonal was going on with my body! Always feels great to have been right about one's own body, hehe! I did have EWCM on and off for maybe 5 days to a week - I didn't chart (will back date and chart it when I get chance though) so I am not sure exactly when the EWCM stopped and thus ovulation might have occurred. I did have ovulation pain on my left side - or at least I thought it was, but it had been so long that I doubted my "knower" and wasn't sure if it was really ovulation pain. I didn't make note of what day/date that was so I have no way to know how long my first luteal phase might have been. No more than 5 days though, I'm pretty sure. The norm for me for the first couple of cycles is 4/5 day luteal phases, so that would be about right. I have had shorter ones on my first cycle though! So I was 8 weeks PP when my period came. Day 1 was really light and although I knew it was period-related (my lochia had cleared up completely the week before, and any new red bleeding is always cycle-related after that), I wondered if it would be a real period or not. Next day it was heavy, more so than usual, and the same the next day. It has been a heavier period than my usual ones are, but that's okay. It lasted 6 days and then a day of spotting, so definitely a period. I do not know what my body thinks it is doing, when I am nursing THREE children (including a new baby day and night), and stretched to the max physically and emotionally with Elijah's troubles and 6 little ones aged 7 and under, lol! But I will NEVER complain again about periods. They are a blessing from God, and they fill my heart with joy when they show up. They mean babies, and that is a joy that I am cherishing more than ever as the number of years left to have them starts to dwindle. The whole purpose of periods is to have babies. I am excited that my body is trying to get back to that so soon! I know it takes many months before my cycles are fertile enough to sustain a pregnancy, and chemical pregnancies are common for me as a result, but oh it's so wonderful to see a period! It's like God's reminder to me that He made me to have babies, and there's a breathlessly wonderful thought that He may bless me again before too long. Getting a period is a reminder, and a happy one, so I will never complain about periods again, even if they arrive in the midst of overwhelming-ness, only a week after stopping bleeding after giving birth, lol! I'm glad He allows me some months to physically recover though :)
I am going to start charting now that I'm having cycles/periods again, but I'll have to find a moment to do so (which means remembering to do it in the first place!). For now I'm marking a calendar (subtly!!) so that I don't forget dates of fertile signs and my periods, and I'll enter all that data on my chart when I get around to it. Yay for cycles! I love watching my body's signs in joyful anticipation of another baby-treasure somewhere down the line! It makes me so happy!!!! :D
So I should probably stop updating here really. Elijah is already 2 months old, and past the initial newborn stage. But I think I will just update sporadically anyway, because his issues are ongoing, and I'm ovulating again! :) So I'll post now and again as before! I love my pregnancy blog! Such an exciting time in my life, all this reproducing! I'm cherishing it for ALL I'm worth, for as long as I can!
I will try to get smiley photos and videos of Elijah laughing and cooing up sometime. I have a post on my arthursmummy
blog at the moment which has a little video clip of my 4 youngest boys, just doing random sweet things. It includes Elijah cooing (it is a couple of weeks old, this video clip) which I didn't expect to catch, and it's the first time on camera, so you can always see that there if you haven't already. I'll try to get recent photos up soon though! :) He has been hard to photograph for a while because of how sad he always is, but lately I'm starting to catch a few relaxed or smiley photos! :) Back soon, anyway. Time to medicate him and then feed him, and then sleeeeeep for the few hours I can before morning! Two days until the weekend! :)
* Elijah is 9 weeks old already!!! 10 this coming Sunday! Can't believe it.
* He is doing okay. Pretty much the same - and 8 weeks old was a bad week for him, but so far 9 weeks old is going better for the poor boy! :) It's all so random and unpredictable, but he's getting there I guess. The last osteopath appt (he has them every Friday) was with a different osteopath and he saw a senior osteopath who was supervising as well. They concluded that he is "one uncomfortable baby" :( He has a slight twist to his body through his spine from top to bottom, which isn't unheard of, but which is very difficult to treat apparently. He still has some neck and lower vertebrae issues, but the head compression is much better after several sessions of work on it, and his diaphragm is less tight than it used to be. He seems (apart from the last two or three days) just as distressed and uncomfy as always, so they are suggesting that he comes off the reflux meds if they are not helping, and also that I can go back on dairy again (WOOHOO!!) because if it's not making a difference, it's probably not an issue in the first place. It will be hard to tell if reintroducing dairy makes him react because he is often distressed, and unpredictably so, which would make it hard to link it to something. If he stays happier for more than just these couple of days, I will try adding some dairy back in and see how it goes. I am still giving him the ranitidine 3 times a day, although two different days in the past week I have forgotten to give him one of those doses, because the previous one was late and then distractions happened, etc. Anyway, the missed dose made no difference either of those times - one time he was just as miserable, and the other time was yesterday and he was just as HAPPY as he had been before the missed dose! :) I hope that's a good sign, but I don't really know how these medications work, in terms of time-frames. I am continuing with it for now, until someone tells me not to! I would rather not give him a drug that he doesn't need, but I want to do what's best for him and for him not to be in pain.
* Elijah is smiling and cooing a LOT now, and these past couple of days it's almost been like he's a different baby at times. I daren't mention it online really, lol! Last time I said he'd had his first GOOD day ever, he had the most awful week or two ever starting the next day. He is also cuddling into my front in a relaxed way when I hold him facing me, which he has pretty much never done except for maybe the first couple of weeks here and there. He seems so much like a.... normal baby, today and yesterday. He is still crying quite a lot and seems uncomfy at times, but he spends quite long periods of time (10 mins or so) looking perfectly comfortable and calm and quiet in the bouncy chair, just surveying the blurs of his brothers whizzing around the room. He has started talking to the button numbers we made that are high up on the living room wall (our "school wall"), and smiling at them in a rather flirty way, dare I say it, lol! His eyes are all, "How you doin'?!" with his smile when he looks at those button numbers, hehe! ;)
* He laughed for the first time!!! 8 and a half weeks old. I know that is quite a bit earlier than some of his brothers. I was snorting like a deranged pig, holding him about a foot in front of my face, lol! He opened his mouth wide in a BIG smile, and his eyes went all wide and shiny and twinkly, and then I did it again and he tipped his chin up suddenly and started a chuckle - just one "note" of a chuckle, mind you, and then it was violent hiccups, as they have all done when first making a new sound or action with their little larynx, bless their sweet hearts! :) He has laughed several times today, not just at the piggy snorting sound either, which is just wonderful for me to hear and see. I cried the first time he laughed. I didn't expect to, and it was ecstatically HAPPY tears. I just felt overwhelmed that he laughed, and seemed joyful, after such sadness for all these weeks of his short life. It was a precious moment.
* I got my period!!! I KNEW something hormonal was going on with my body! Always feels great to have been right about one's own body, hehe! I did have EWCM on and off for maybe 5 days to a week - I didn't chart (will back date and chart it when I get chance though) so I am not sure exactly when the EWCM stopped and thus ovulation might have occurred. I did have ovulation pain on my left side - or at least I thought it was, but it had been so long that I doubted my "knower" and wasn't sure if it was really ovulation pain. I didn't make note of what day/date that was so I have no way to know how long my first luteal phase might have been. No more than 5 days though, I'm pretty sure. The norm for me for the first couple of cycles is 4/5 day luteal phases, so that would be about right. I have had shorter ones on my first cycle though! So I was 8 weeks PP when my period came. Day 1 was really light and although I knew it was period-related (my lochia had cleared up completely the week before, and any new red bleeding is always cycle-related after that), I wondered if it would be a real period or not. Next day it was heavy, more so than usual, and the same the next day. It has been a heavier period than my usual ones are, but that's okay. It lasted 6 days and then a day of spotting, so definitely a period. I do not know what my body thinks it is doing, when I am nursing THREE children (including a new baby day and night), and stretched to the max physically and emotionally with Elijah's troubles and 6 little ones aged 7 and under, lol! But I will NEVER complain again about periods. They are a blessing from God, and they fill my heart with joy when they show up. They mean babies, and that is a joy that I am cherishing more than ever as the number of years left to have them starts to dwindle. The whole purpose of periods is to have babies. I am excited that my body is trying to get back to that so soon! I know it takes many months before my cycles are fertile enough to sustain a pregnancy, and chemical pregnancies are common for me as a result, but oh it's so wonderful to see a period! It's like God's reminder to me that He made me to have babies, and there's a breathlessly wonderful thought that He may bless me again before too long. Getting a period is a reminder, and a happy one, so I will never complain about periods again, even if they arrive in the midst of overwhelming-ness, only a week after stopping bleeding after giving birth, lol! I'm glad He allows me some months to physically recover though :)
I am going to start charting now that I'm having cycles/periods again, but I'll have to find a moment to do so (which means remembering to do it in the first place!). For now I'm marking a calendar (subtly!!) so that I don't forget dates of fertile signs and my periods, and I'll enter all that data on my chart when I get around to it. Yay for cycles! I love watching my body's signs in joyful anticipation of another baby-treasure somewhere down the line! It makes me so happy!!!! :D
So I should probably stop updating here really. Elijah is already 2 months old, and past the initial newborn stage. But I think I will just update sporadically anyway, because his issues are ongoing, and I'm ovulating again! :) So I'll post now and again as before! I love my pregnancy blog! Such an exciting time in my life, all this reproducing! I'm cherishing it for ALL I'm worth, for as long as I can!
I will try to get smiley photos and videos of Elijah laughing and cooing up sometime. I have a post on my arthursmummy
blog at the moment which has a little video clip of my 4 youngest boys, just doing random sweet things. It includes Elijah cooing (it is a couple of weeks old, this video clip) which I didn't expect to catch, and it's the first time on camera, so you can always see that there if you haven't already. I'll try to get recent photos up soon though! :) He has been hard to photograph for a while because of how sad he always is, but lately I'm starting to catch a few relaxed or smiley photos! :) Back soon, anyway. Time to medicate him and then feed him, and then sleeeeeep for the few hours I can before morning! Two days until the weekend! :)
Friday, July 13, 2012
6 (nearly 7!) weeks old
Another fly-by post, hoping I can type at least something before Elijah wakes and I have to go, and won't have chance again today (or even tomorrow, who knows?!).
Elijah will be 7 weeks old the day after tomorrow. It's going fast, but it's kind of hard-going, and I have to take each day at a time. I am (honestly) doing so cheerfully, and it is working out okay, but I am getting tired now, and starting to feel a bit wistful for things to settle down and to be able to get the focus back on my other children and the house (and homeschooling!) that I had before he was born. I understand why I can't, and I'm doing the best I can, and I'm okay with it all. I am not stressing out about it. Just making note here that I'm lately feeling a bit drained and looking forward to more settled days ahead, whenever that happens (I'm not sure when to expect change yet. Perhaps not for a while?).
Elijah has been on his medication for reflux for 2 weeks tomorrow, and it has also been almost two weeks since I cut out dairy. I didn't go crazy reading labels for ingredients that come from milk at first, but decided to after reading other people's stories of how their babies responded to even tiny amounts in foods, etc. So I think I can say I have been completely dairy-free for maybe 10 days? I am not sure. Maybe a few days less. Anyway. I miss milk and cheese, and it's proving really hard to find a variety of foods that I can eat which are nutritious enough AND accessible enough, AND quick enough to cook, AND easy enough to cook, for me to be able to actually consider them. Not proving easy at all. But oh well! It's worth it if it helps my little one.
He is starting to be more calm these last few days. He is having longer periods of calm alertness, and since maybe the day before yesterday he has surprised me by sitting in the bouncy chair for maybe 5 or 10 minutes in a row without crying! That is AMAZING for Elijah, believe me. He otherwise cries all the time. ALL of it. Or sleeps, or feeds. Otherwise he is crying. Lately not quite so much! :) He is cooing and smiling at us a lot, and even at the boys a bit today and yesterday. He had his third osteopath appointment this morning and smiled and cooed and generally flirted with the osteopath, which was sweet - and a big eye-opener for her to see how much he has changed since the first appt (screaming and rigid and distressed for 2 hours).
Aaaargh my laptop battery is about to die and I left the power cable next to the bed where Elijah is sleeping! It's late so maybe it's not a good idea to try getting it in case I wake him and then start a whole cry cycle again before I get chance to go to bed.... I think I will post this now, unfinished as it is, and update again tomorrow with the rest, if I get chance! Back soon! :)
Well, I did post it, but it's now 20 mins before Elijah's midnight meds are due and I'm all ready for bed, sitting in a dark bedroom next to a sleeping baby, having drawn up his syringe-ful of yucky bitter stuff by the light of the laptop monitor (now plugged in!). He's still sleeping, so I think I will carry on updating the original post unless he stirs, or midnight arrives! ;)
Elijah had his 6-8 week check with the doctor on Wednesday. I was supposed to have my postnatal check the same day, but I wrote down 2.20pm (his appt was sent to me in the post for 2pm) for some reason, and when I turned up for both our appointments, they said it was 9.20am and I'd missed it! :S Whoops! Not sure what part of my brain wasn't there at the time of making the appointment, but oh well. The doctor was very nice about it (same one who had me in tears over being 5 mins late with Benjamin's 6-8 week check - perhaps she'd learned her lesson, not to make this particular mother upset postnatally, lol!) and I rebooked for next Friday at 10.30 with a different doctor (since that's all they could offer me), but I think I will end up cancelling that one because Elijah's next osteopath appt is sure to clash with it. I don't know when that is yet because the osteopath he sees was fully booked for Friday, but he NEEDS to be seen weekly, so he is on a waiting list for cancellations. If there isn't one, she said she would double book him with someone else just to be sure he gets a treatment :) The beautiful thing about this place is that it's FREE. They are a registered charity (The Osteopathic Centre for Children, in London) and encourage donations by families being treated there, so I donate sometimes after an appointment. We can't afford osteopathic treatment in any other setting, so I'm ever so thankful for the OCC! :) Anyway, who knows when I'll get my 6 week postnatal check! Probably sometime, eventually! I have no concerns about me anyway.
I have pelvic pain and back pain still, to varying degrees, depending on my activity level. I saw my physiotherapist at the hospital on Thursday last week, and was given a ton of very very very simple and careful exercises to do, which I am getting precisely NO time to do so far. I have to go back at the beginning of August, because there are some of the very very very simple and careful exercises that I am still unable to do without pain, so I have to wait on those and go back to see how I'm doing. I am so frustrated because for once I desperately feel the need to be getting fit and exercising properly, but the physio told me absolutely NO exercising whatsoever. Only gentle walks (an impossible activity with any of my children in tow, let alone all of them!) or the exercises prescribed. I have been doing a bit more walking lately, just getting from the car (parked a few mins away) to an appointment or something, which sounds laughably puny but is actually quite a bit of exercise for me, embarrassingly! :/ On Monday it was Benjamin's 3rd birthday (!!!) and we all went out to find a good place to run about (the boys, not me!) and jump in huge puddles, as that's what Benjamin wanted to do in the end on that rainy birthday! So I walked quite a bit further than my body said I ought to, and with Elijah on my front in the hug-a-bub. It was okay walking with him in there - he slept pretty quickly and stayed asleep until I put him in the car seat to go home - but my back did ache after 10 minutes or so. Oh well. Anyway, I hurt like crazy the next day in my feet and ankles and hips! Soooo unfit. *sigh* I so want to get stuck into toning up and increasing my stamina, and aerobic exercise for my heart and lungs, but I'm not allowed to yet. It's going to be a slow gradual process to just get my core muscles and ligaments accepting of basic exercises, which is really frustrating, but a worthwhile process I'm sure. I want to be in much better shape before my next pregnancy (which I hope will happen!) :)
Elijah's appointment with the doctor went quite well. He weighs 9lbs 5oz, which puts him at the 10th percentile for weight (9th on the charts they go by, 10th in the breastfed baby charts), which is the curve he's been on since birth. He did go up nearly to the 25th percentile last time he was weighed by the health visitor, so the doctor sees this weigh-in to show a "dip" in weight gain. *sigh* He is a tall boy! He was never measured at birth but I always felt he was longer than average because despite being really skinny and his clothes being baggy on him, he was always outgrowing the length of the footed sleepsuits, and the sleepsuits without feet were like shorts, halfway up his legs, hehe! Anyway he is 59cm long (23 inches) which puts him between the 75th and 91st percentiles (80th percentile on the breastfed baby charts). The doctor got kind of concerned about the difference between his height and weight percentiles, and suggested I topped him up with formula. I didn't expect that. She said she didn't really believe he has reflux and that he cries a lot and feeds a lot (2-3 hourly or more frequently, but very randomly around the clock because I feed him on demand) because he's a "hungry baby". And that's he a hungry baby because he needs "more" than my milk is giving him. *another sigh* That was a bit of a low moment, to be honest. A mummy doesn't feel good to hear things like that, even if it's cheerfully suggested and meant to be helpful or lighthearted, which it was, and I love my GP. But I do not want to supplement with formula, and don't believe it's the best or right thing for him. I am sure there is no reason why my milk can't be enough for him. I have a huge supply, as always. I am breastfeeding Benjamin maybe twice a day, Samuel whenver he wants it during the day (4+ times maybe?), and Elijah day and night pretty frequently, and still leaking loads between anyone's feeds when my milk randomly lets down. Everyone gets what they want when they feed and stop when they are full, and I can hand express more right afterwards. So it's not a supply thing. I don't think there is really anything wrong with his feeding pattern, nor that he's a "hungry baby". On the day of the appointment I really felt kind of knocked, confidence-wise, by the whole thing, and was second-guessing my gut instinct (which is to breastfeed, not supplement, and not introduce solids early (ie. before 6 months)). But I've had some good encouragement and support from friends online and people in the know, and feel much more confident that my gut instinct is right now.
I am perfectly happy to feed him all the time! I know he doesn't need to be feeding TOO frequently because that can aggravate reflux (in fact the whole feeding frequently thing IS a symptom of reflux, tsk!), so I need to talk to Heather about it as she's a breastfeeding counsellor. She is away on holiday until Sunday so I'll have to wait until then. Anyway, he is feeding well, and growing, so I am not worried. The GP prescribed him formula for babies who are allergic to cows milk protein, and more of his reflux meds, but I only collected the reflux meds.
Anyway, he is otherwise doing fine. His neck muscles are stronger than she expected, and he holds his head up well and can turn his head from side to side when lying on his tummy. He is starting to track objects with his eyes, and does lots of "conversing" now which is ever so sweet! I love hearing his voice! :)
I am still spotting from the birth. It's not that unusual for me to still have a trace of lochia at 6 weeks postpartum, but it should be disappearing soon, and I'll be glad! I don't much like that stage! I am suspicious that some sort of hormonal change is going on for me right now. On Wednesday (the day before yesterday), I felt tired and sensitive, and kind of moody. I thought nothing of it, since I'm at full stretch emotionally and physically all the time at the moment, and sleep deprived to boot! ;) I also noticed IBS that day, which I haven't had since I was pregnant. Again, thought nothing much of it. Then the next day, yesterday, I noticed I felt kind of hormonal and weepy and tired, in the same way as the day before. I think I only really took note of it because it was the second day running and I hadn't noticed any feelings like that since the initial few days after the birth with the hormones settling down. Neil and I argued that evening over something sooooo daft, and I put it down to tiredness for us both, but the next morning I thought about it and realised that I was being much more oversensitive and quick to lose my temper than is normal for me, even when just tired. Then yesterday, I went to the loo and what do you know?! EWCM! And not a small amount either. That's the first CM I've had since pregnancy. I generally do not have any after having a baby until my cycles are starting to gear up for coming back, or at least try to (even if they don't succeed at first, lol!). I had felt a bit crampy for the previous few days and it distracted me enough to make me wonder what it was about. When I started getting IBS on Wednesday I thought maybe that's all it had been, but I wasn't convinced because it didn't really feel like it. I haven't ruled out a urine infection but I have no other symptoms of one. Anyway, I'm now on day 2 of EWCM, and have been quite uncomfy on my left side today low down at the front, so I wonder if my body is trying to ovulate. I know that is CRAZY! I am breastfeeding 3 "babies" and just gave birth 6 weeks ago, lol! But my periods seem to be starting again earlier and earlier each time for me now, and the last time I had a period at 8 weeks postpartum, with ovulation too! So it's possible. I kind of hope not, for now! It's perfectly normal to have EWCM in random patches for months without ovulating or having a period, when you're breastfeeding, apparently. But it hasn't been MY norm, so far. We shall see.
Well, I think that is about all I wanted to catch up on for now. I'm sure I have more to waffle about, like how I genuinely felt really wistful and longing when I was driving Elijah to his appointment this morning and playing a worship CD that I listened to every time I drove to an antenatal appointment, and haven't heard since. Ohhhh how I missed being pregnant at that moment! I mean, I generally miss being pregnant and look forward to doing it again, but with the memory trigger of the music, I actually felt such a physical pang! I am going to be just hopeless when my baby-making days are over. I am already praying over it, because I know it will be an adjustment and I want to make it sanely and smoothly! ;) I trust God. He's in control and He knows what is best for me, so if I can rest in that, I should be okay, but I suuuuure will miss it!
It's just past midnight now and Elijah is STILL sleeping (since maybe 8.45pm!) so I need to wake him up for his medication now. I much prefer giving him his dose this way, because he doesn't really wake up. I pick him up and cradle him in my left arm, semi-upright, and then tease his lips with the syringe until he stirs and opens his mouth. His dose is only 0.33mls of nasty bitter liquid (yes, I did taste it), but I still only give him about a quarter of that dose at a time, rubbing his tiny cheeks to rouse him enough to make him swallow each little bit. I don't want him to choke! He takes the whole dose safely that way, and doesn't actually wake up or know he's even taking the yucky stuff, which is much nicer for him. He is such a trooper taking it when he's wide awake and hungry though. He grimaces a little, but calmly takes it all the same, and never tries to avoid it or turn his face away. He doesn't cry about it. He's such a good boy, and I love him so much! Anyway it's nice at night because he takes the dose without knowing, and then I lay him back down once I'm sure he's squidged his mouth about and swallowed a few times, and he generally stays asleep for a while longer before waking as usual for a feed. He feeds maybe every 3-4 hours at night, but one night after his 2nd osteo appointment a week ago, he slept from about midnight (having cried all evening which he usually does - this evening is unusual in that he has slept for most of it!) until 6am!!!! Now, there's no sense getting too excited about him "sleeping through the night" because looking back I see that many of my babies have done just that for One Night Only at the very same age. Then never again until like 18 months old, haha! Anyway it was nice! :)
Okay, off to medicate my darling boy. I will be back soon! I should be making this the last blog entry here for a while, because I like to close up shop here once the official postnatal/newborn period is over, until next time. And I usually go with the postnatal appointments for that marker, and we've done that. But Elijah is having prolonged newborn-ish issues still, and I haven't had my postnatal check yet, and anyway I am having ongoing treatment for pregnancy-related stuff with the physio, sooooo.... maybe I will keep it open a while longer. I also like to come back to keep track of my cycles once they start up again, and if that's going to happen soon anyway... I will not say goodbye for now. I'll come back and update again sometime soon, to keep a record of how Elijah is doing with his treatment. I think I will want that to look back on for future reference maybe. If you're still keeping up, well done, lol! I haven't got many commenters or readers on any of the posts I make here or at my main blog now, but I am much more settled now than I've ever been before with the idea of just blogging for my own memories and future reference stuff, so I am not put off. I like readers and commentors though, of course! ;) I will be back soon!
Elijah will be 7 weeks old the day after tomorrow. It's going fast, but it's kind of hard-going, and I have to take each day at a time. I am (honestly) doing so cheerfully, and it is working out okay, but I am getting tired now, and starting to feel a bit wistful for things to settle down and to be able to get the focus back on my other children and the house (and homeschooling!) that I had before he was born. I understand why I can't, and I'm doing the best I can, and I'm okay with it all. I am not stressing out about it. Just making note here that I'm lately feeling a bit drained and looking forward to more settled days ahead, whenever that happens (I'm not sure when to expect change yet. Perhaps not for a while?).
Elijah has been on his medication for reflux for 2 weeks tomorrow, and it has also been almost two weeks since I cut out dairy. I didn't go crazy reading labels for ingredients that come from milk at first, but decided to after reading other people's stories of how their babies responded to even tiny amounts in foods, etc. So I think I can say I have been completely dairy-free for maybe 10 days? I am not sure. Maybe a few days less. Anyway. I miss milk and cheese, and it's proving really hard to find a variety of foods that I can eat which are nutritious enough AND accessible enough, AND quick enough to cook, AND easy enough to cook, for me to be able to actually consider them. Not proving easy at all. But oh well! It's worth it if it helps my little one.
He is starting to be more calm these last few days. He is having longer periods of calm alertness, and since maybe the day before yesterday he has surprised me by sitting in the bouncy chair for maybe 5 or 10 minutes in a row without crying! That is AMAZING for Elijah, believe me. He otherwise cries all the time. ALL of it. Or sleeps, or feeds. Otherwise he is crying. Lately not quite so much! :) He is cooing and smiling at us a lot, and even at the boys a bit today and yesterday. He had his third osteopath appointment this morning and smiled and cooed and generally flirted with the osteopath, which was sweet - and a big eye-opener for her to see how much he has changed since the first appt (screaming and rigid and distressed for 2 hours).
Aaaargh my laptop battery is about to die and I left the power cable next to the bed where Elijah is sleeping! It's late so maybe it's not a good idea to try getting it in case I wake him and then start a whole cry cycle again before I get chance to go to bed.... I think I will post this now, unfinished as it is, and update again tomorrow with the rest, if I get chance! Back soon! :)
Well, I did post it, but it's now 20 mins before Elijah's midnight meds are due and I'm all ready for bed, sitting in a dark bedroom next to a sleeping baby, having drawn up his syringe-ful of yucky bitter stuff by the light of the laptop monitor (now plugged in!). He's still sleeping, so I think I will carry on updating the original post unless he stirs, or midnight arrives! ;)
Elijah had his 6-8 week check with the doctor on Wednesday. I was supposed to have my postnatal check the same day, but I wrote down 2.20pm (his appt was sent to me in the post for 2pm) for some reason, and when I turned up for both our appointments, they said it was 9.20am and I'd missed it! :S Whoops! Not sure what part of my brain wasn't there at the time of making the appointment, but oh well. The doctor was very nice about it (same one who had me in tears over being 5 mins late with Benjamin's 6-8 week check - perhaps she'd learned her lesson, not to make this particular mother upset postnatally, lol!) and I rebooked for next Friday at 10.30 with a different doctor (since that's all they could offer me), but I think I will end up cancelling that one because Elijah's next osteopath appt is sure to clash with it. I don't know when that is yet because the osteopath he sees was fully booked for Friday, but he NEEDS to be seen weekly, so he is on a waiting list for cancellations. If there isn't one, she said she would double book him with someone else just to be sure he gets a treatment :) The beautiful thing about this place is that it's FREE. They are a registered charity (The Osteopathic Centre for Children, in London) and encourage donations by families being treated there, so I donate sometimes after an appointment. We can't afford osteopathic treatment in any other setting, so I'm ever so thankful for the OCC! :) Anyway, who knows when I'll get my 6 week postnatal check! Probably sometime, eventually! I have no concerns about me anyway.
I have pelvic pain and back pain still, to varying degrees, depending on my activity level. I saw my physiotherapist at the hospital on Thursday last week, and was given a ton of very very very simple and careful exercises to do, which I am getting precisely NO time to do so far. I have to go back at the beginning of August, because there are some of the very very very simple and careful exercises that I am still unable to do without pain, so I have to wait on those and go back to see how I'm doing. I am so frustrated because for once I desperately feel the need to be getting fit and exercising properly, but the physio told me absolutely NO exercising whatsoever. Only gentle walks (an impossible activity with any of my children in tow, let alone all of them!) or the exercises prescribed. I have been doing a bit more walking lately, just getting from the car (parked a few mins away) to an appointment or something, which sounds laughably puny but is actually quite a bit of exercise for me, embarrassingly! :/ On Monday it was Benjamin's 3rd birthday (!!!) and we all went out to find a good place to run about (the boys, not me!) and jump in huge puddles, as that's what Benjamin wanted to do in the end on that rainy birthday! So I walked quite a bit further than my body said I ought to, and with Elijah on my front in the hug-a-bub. It was okay walking with him in there - he slept pretty quickly and stayed asleep until I put him in the car seat to go home - but my back did ache after 10 minutes or so. Oh well. Anyway, I hurt like crazy the next day in my feet and ankles and hips! Soooo unfit. *sigh* I so want to get stuck into toning up and increasing my stamina, and aerobic exercise for my heart and lungs, but I'm not allowed to yet. It's going to be a slow gradual process to just get my core muscles and ligaments accepting of basic exercises, which is really frustrating, but a worthwhile process I'm sure. I want to be in much better shape before my next pregnancy (which I hope will happen!) :)
Elijah's appointment with the doctor went quite well. He weighs 9lbs 5oz, which puts him at the 10th percentile for weight (9th on the charts they go by, 10th in the breastfed baby charts), which is the curve he's been on since birth. He did go up nearly to the 25th percentile last time he was weighed by the health visitor, so the doctor sees this weigh-in to show a "dip" in weight gain. *sigh* He is a tall boy! He was never measured at birth but I always felt he was longer than average because despite being really skinny and his clothes being baggy on him, he was always outgrowing the length of the footed sleepsuits, and the sleepsuits without feet were like shorts, halfway up his legs, hehe! Anyway he is 59cm long (23 inches) which puts him between the 75th and 91st percentiles (80th percentile on the breastfed baby charts). The doctor got kind of concerned about the difference between his height and weight percentiles, and suggested I topped him up with formula. I didn't expect that. She said she didn't really believe he has reflux and that he cries a lot and feeds a lot (2-3 hourly or more frequently, but very randomly around the clock because I feed him on demand) because he's a "hungry baby". And that's he a hungry baby because he needs "more" than my milk is giving him. *another sigh* That was a bit of a low moment, to be honest. A mummy doesn't feel good to hear things like that, even if it's cheerfully suggested and meant to be helpful or lighthearted, which it was, and I love my GP. But I do not want to supplement with formula, and don't believe it's the best or right thing for him. I am sure there is no reason why my milk can't be enough for him. I have a huge supply, as always. I am breastfeeding Benjamin maybe twice a day, Samuel whenver he wants it during the day (4+ times maybe?), and Elijah day and night pretty frequently, and still leaking loads between anyone's feeds when my milk randomly lets down. Everyone gets what they want when they feed and stop when they are full, and I can hand express more right afterwards. So it's not a supply thing. I don't think there is really anything wrong with his feeding pattern, nor that he's a "hungry baby". On the day of the appointment I really felt kind of knocked, confidence-wise, by the whole thing, and was second-guessing my gut instinct (which is to breastfeed, not supplement, and not introduce solids early (ie. before 6 months)). But I've had some good encouragement and support from friends online and people in the know, and feel much more confident that my gut instinct is right now.
I am perfectly happy to feed him all the time! I know he doesn't need to be feeding TOO frequently because that can aggravate reflux (in fact the whole feeding frequently thing IS a symptom of reflux, tsk!), so I need to talk to Heather about it as she's a breastfeeding counsellor. She is away on holiday until Sunday so I'll have to wait until then. Anyway, he is feeding well, and growing, so I am not worried. The GP prescribed him formula for babies who are allergic to cows milk protein, and more of his reflux meds, but I only collected the reflux meds.
Anyway, he is otherwise doing fine. His neck muscles are stronger than she expected, and he holds his head up well and can turn his head from side to side when lying on his tummy. He is starting to track objects with his eyes, and does lots of "conversing" now which is ever so sweet! I love hearing his voice! :)
I am still spotting from the birth. It's not that unusual for me to still have a trace of lochia at 6 weeks postpartum, but it should be disappearing soon, and I'll be glad! I don't much like that stage! I am suspicious that some sort of hormonal change is going on for me right now. On Wednesday (the day before yesterday), I felt tired and sensitive, and kind of moody. I thought nothing of it, since I'm at full stretch emotionally and physically all the time at the moment, and sleep deprived to boot! ;) I also noticed IBS that day, which I haven't had since I was pregnant. Again, thought nothing much of it. Then the next day, yesterday, I noticed I felt kind of hormonal and weepy and tired, in the same way as the day before. I think I only really took note of it because it was the second day running and I hadn't noticed any feelings like that since the initial few days after the birth with the hormones settling down. Neil and I argued that evening over something sooooo daft, and I put it down to tiredness for us both, but the next morning I thought about it and realised that I was being much more oversensitive and quick to lose my temper than is normal for me, even when just tired. Then yesterday, I went to the loo and what do you know?! EWCM! And not a small amount either. That's the first CM I've had since pregnancy. I generally do not have any after having a baby until my cycles are starting to gear up for coming back, or at least try to (even if they don't succeed at first, lol!). I had felt a bit crampy for the previous few days and it distracted me enough to make me wonder what it was about. When I started getting IBS on Wednesday I thought maybe that's all it had been, but I wasn't convinced because it didn't really feel like it. I haven't ruled out a urine infection but I have no other symptoms of one. Anyway, I'm now on day 2 of EWCM, and have been quite uncomfy on my left side today low down at the front, so I wonder if my body is trying to ovulate. I know that is CRAZY! I am breastfeeding 3 "babies" and just gave birth 6 weeks ago, lol! But my periods seem to be starting again earlier and earlier each time for me now, and the last time I had a period at 8 weeks postpartum, with ovulation too! So it's possible. I kind of hope not, for now! It's perfectly normal to have EWCM in random patches for months without ovulating or having a period, when you're breastfeeding, apparently. But it hasn't been MY norm, so far. We shall see.
Well, I think that is about all I wanted to catch up on for now. I'm sure I have more to waffle about, like how I genuinely felt really wistful and longing when I was driving Elijah to his appointment this morning and playing a worship CD that I listened to every time I drove to an antenatal appointment, and haven't heard since. Ohhhh how I missed being pregnant at that moment! I mean, I generally miss being pregnant and look forward to doing it again, but with the memory trigger of the music, I actually felt such a physical pang! I am going to be just hopeless when my baby-making days are over. I am already praying over it, because I know it will be an adjustment and I want to make it sanely and smoothly! ;) I trust God. He's in control and He knows what is best for me, so if I can rest in that, I should be okay, but I suuuuure will miss it!
It's just past midnight now and Elijah is STILL sleeping (since maybe 8.45pm!) so I need to wake him up for his medication now. I much prefer giving him his dose this way, because he doesn't really wake up. I pick him up and cradle him in my left arm, semi-upright, and then tease his lips with the syringe until he stirs and opens his mouth. His dose is only 0.33mls of nasty bitter liquid (yes, I did taste it), but I still only give him about a quarter of that dose at a time, rubbing his tiny cheeks to rouse him enough to make him swallow each little bit. I don't want him to choke! He takes the whole dose safely that way, and doesn't actually wake up or know he's even taking the yucky stuff, which is much nicer for him. He is such a trooper taking it when he's wide awake and hungry though. He grimaces a little, but calmly takes it all the same, and never tries to avoid it or turn his face away. He doesn't cry about it. He's such a good boy, and I love him so much! Anyway it's nice at night because he takes the dose without knowing, and then I lay him back down once I'm sure he's squidged his mouth about and swallowed a few times, and he generally stays asleep for a while longer before waking as usual for a feed. He feeds maybe every 3-4 hours at night, but one night after his 2nd osteo appointment a week ago, he slept from about midnight (having cried all evening which he usually does - this evening is unusual in that he has slept for most of it!) until 6am!!!! Now, there's no sense getting too excited about him "sleeping through the night" because looking back I see that many of my babies have done just that for One Night Only at the very same age. Then never again until like 18 months old, haha! Anyway it was nice! :)
Okay, off to medicate my darling boy. I will be back soon! I should be making this the last blog entry here for a while, because I like to close up shop here once the official postnatal/newborn period is over, until next time. And I usually go with the postnatal appointments for that marker, and we've done that. But Elijah is having prolonged newborn-ish issues still, and I haven't had my postnatal check yet, and anyway I am having ongoing treatment for pregnancy-related stuff with the physio, sooooo.... maybe I will keep it open a while longer. I also like to come back to keep track of my cycles once they start up again, and if that's going to happen soon anyway... I will not say goodbye for now. I'll come back and update again sometime soon, to keep a record of how Elijah is doing with his treatment. I think I will want that to look back on for future reference maybe. If you're still keeping up, well done, lol! I haven't got many commenters or readers on any of the posts I make here or at my main blog now, but I am much more settled now than I've ever been before with the idea of just blogging for my own memories and future reference stuff, so I am not put off. I like readers and commentors though, of course! ;) I will be back soon!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
5 weeks - so much to update about!
Oh dear! I can't believe I haven't updated here since Elijah was 10 days old!!! :S Whoops!
Right now I literally have NO time to update. I never ever (ever) have time to update, because life is stretched to the max. So I'll bullet point again, so that at least I have made note of everything here, and mayyybe I might get chance to go into more detail on some of them another time.
* I have Gastro-Esophegeal Reflux Disease (GERD). A week ago my oesophagus decided not to work properly, and swallowing anything was painful and difficult. SO SCARY!!!! Anyway, long story short - no more big multi-vitamins for me, and I am now on omeprazole for 3 months. I still have discomfort in my oesophagus but it's easing up in general.
* Elijah has become a really distressed baby at all times. Last Thursday and Friday were absolutely unmanageable with Neil at work. Both days I phoned him in tears, unable to get food for the boys or give any of the boys any of my time at all, including Samuel and his need for a nap! Elijah screamed and screamed all day, no matter whether he was held, rocked, walked, bounced, wrapped, upright, reclined, and finally on those two days he started to pull of the breast to scream as well, and had a block of a couple of hours doing the same in the middle of the night. I had made him an appointment (after much encouragement to do so from Heather) at the osteopath that I took Benjamin and Samuel to, in London, but the earliest appointment was July 10th. I made that on Thursday.
* On Friday it was just so bad. Soooo bad. It wasn't even much past lunch time (not that I was anywhere near being able to imagine managing to get lunch ready), and I was breastfeeding Elijah in bed again, trying to find a way to settle him (nothing did). The boys were doing a mixture of crying, fighting, yelling and playing downstairs, and I was crying on the phone to Neil as I nursed Elijah. I did not know how to manage. Neil was coming home early that day because his company lets them out at 2pm on the last Friday of the month if they work through their lunch break! :)
* After the phone call I suddenly decided to be proactive - something had to be done NOW. I called the osteopath and asked if they might on the off-chance possibly have a cancellation for today, and what do you know?! Someone had JUST cancelled their 3.30 appt! Thank you Lord (because it was totally His doing). So I took Elijah to the osteopath that very day!
* Elijah has some issues. He apparently presented at birth with his head straight, instead of with his chin to his chest, as babies ought to be. Heather says this totally explains why I did not go into labour when my waters broke, and also why he was bobbing in and out, not engaging properly. Elijah has compression in the front part of his skull, which is why he always looks like he's frowning so deeply. He does have some good brows on him, lol! But as well as that, his head was really pressed down at the front as he was born. At the same time as that, the back of his head was being pressed backwards, which has caused compression in his neck at the back, and also some "pinching" in some vertebrae lower down in his back (think concertina). The pain in his back/neck has caused him to hold his diaphragm very tight, and this has resulted in severe "silent" reflux. Can't believe we were both diagnosed with GERD in the same week! :( He isn't a "sicky" baby at all, but his poor oesophagus is burning up all the same. They also felt that his "guts" are sensitive, and advised me to cut out dairy from my diet in case it's affecting him through my milk. Poor poor baby boy!
* They said not to wait in getting him to a doctor for a prescription for his reflux, and it was after hours when we got home. After the boys were in bed, I got him an urgent care appointment at the out of hours clinic at 9.30pm. They sent us to children's A&E!!!! They said he was so tiny and in so much obvious pain and distress that he needed to be seen by a paediatrician to rule out sepsis!!!! Yikes! So we went. We were there two hours, and I was beyond exhausted - Elijah too. He cried so much the whole time, and I had to walk him and rock him (Neil was obviously at home with the boys, who were sleeping). He was too distressed for them to take observations even, but they did get a normal temp reading, which was good. Finally they gave us a prescription for ranitidine (similar to my prescription), but I had to go back the next morning to collect it from the pharmacy. He was so exhausted when we got home (midnight!) and slept pretty well considering - a couple of 3 hour blocks in a row.
* Good old A&E gave him his first cold! I'm kind of annoyed about it! Poor baby, as if he needed anything else added to it all!! *sigh* Anyway. He is getting over that a bit today, and has been on his meds for 4 days now. He is doing better today than he has in ages, but still cries and screams a lot of the time. He has even smiled and cooed at us today, which is sooooo wonderful! He really hasn't done any of that before now - though he did smile for the first time at 3 weeks, 4 days old. And maybe twice over the two weeks after that, until now. He didn't really make eye contact either, he was just too busy hurting or being exhausted from hurting.
It has been really hard, but I'm hoping things are going to improve soon. I have cut out dairy and that's not easy either, but I'll do ANYTHING for my manny. I love him so much.
These three photos were taken at 4 and a half weeks old, at the end of last week before getting him sorted out. They were taken sort of to document how he has been, for my own reference really. They show the three expressions that he has had up until then. The first is his "exhausted/blank" expression, which he does when he's not crying or sleeping, just for a very short while; the second is his "fretting/anxious/pained" expression - he whimpers with this one, and the look in his eyes makes me want to cry. He looks actually scared and like he is desperate for reassurance :( The third is the most common - crying or screaming in a pained/distressed way.
Then see these four photos that I took this morning!! He IS still spending much of the time crying and distressed, but there is a definite light at the end of the tunnel if I can get photos like these - I have not been able to before now. His face was actually relaxed for a while and he looked... happy! :) And he smiled! And even got a bit animated and tried cooing! So happy to have caught it on camera! :)
Elijah is otherwise doing great - he weighed 8lbs 11oz at exactly one month old (last Wednesday), which is funny to me because it's exactly Benjamin's birth weight! :) He is at the 25th percentile for weight now, having started at the 9th, so he's growing well! He is feeding great, and weeing and pooing for England.
Okay, got to go. Elijah's cold has passed to Samuel, Benjamin and Nathan today and all three are awake and crying right now (some SCREAMING) at half past midnight. Urrrghh! Long night ahead. I have so much more to write and pics to post, but I will have to do it another time.
Right now I literally have NO time to update. I never ever (ever) have time to update, because life is stretched to the max. So I'll bullet point again, so that at least I have made note of everything here, and mayyybe I might get chance to go into more detail on some of them another time.
* I have Gastro-Esophegeal Reflux Disease (GERD). A week ago my oesophagus decided not to work properly, and swallowing anything was painful and difficult. SO SCARY!!!! Anyway, long story short - no more big multi-vitamins for me, and I am now on omeprazole for 3 months. I still have discomfort in my oesophagus but it's easing up in general.
* Elijah has become a really distressed baby at all times. Last Thursday and Friday were absolutely unmanageable with Neil at work. Both days I phoned him in tears, unable to get food for the boys or give any of the boys any of my time at all, including Samuel and his need for a nap! Elijah screamed and screamed all day, no matter whether he was held, rocked, walked, bounced, wrapped, upright, reclined, and finally on those two days he started to pull of the breast to scream as well, and had a block of a couple of hours doing the same in the middle of the night. I had made him an appointment (after much encouragement to do so from Heather) at the osteopath that I took Benjamin and Samuel to, in London, but the earliest appointment was July 10th. I made that on Thursday.
* On Friday it was just so bad. Soooo bad. It wasn't even much past lunch time (not that I was anywhere near being able to imagine managing to get lunch ready), and I was breastfeeding Elijah in bed again, trying to find a way to settle him (nothing did). The boys were doing a mixture of crying, fighting, yelling and playing downstairs, and I was crying on the phone to Neil as I nursed Elijah. I did not know how to manage. Neil was coming home early that day because his company lets them out at 2pm on the last Friday of the month if they work through their lunch break! :)
* After the phone call I suddenly decided to be proactive - something had to be done NOW. I called the osteopath and asked if they might on the off-chance possibly have a cancellation for today, and what do you know?! Someone had JUST cancelled their 3.30 appt! Thank you Lord (because it was totally His doing). So I took Elijah to the osteopath that very day!
* Elijah has some issues. He apparently presented at birth with his head straight, instead of with his chin to his chest, as babies ought to be. Heather says this totally explains why I did not go into labour when my waters broke, and also why he was bobbing in and out, not engaging properly. Elijah has compression in the front part of his skull, which is why he always looks like he's frowning so deeply. He does have some good brows on him, lol! But as well as that, his head was really pressed down at the front as he was born. At the same time as that, the back of his head was being pressed backwards, which has caused compression in his neck at the back, and also some "pinching" in some vertebrae lower down in his back (think concertina). The pain in his back/neck has caused him to hold his diaphragm very tight, and this has resulted in severe "silent" reflux. Can't believe we were both diagnosed with GERD in the same week! :( He isn't a "sicky" baby at all, but his poor oesophagus is burning up all the same. They also felt that his "guts" are sensitive, and advised me to cut out dairy from my diet in case it's affecting him through my milk. Poor poor baby boy!
* They said not to wait in getting him to a doctor for a prescription for his reflux, and it was after hours when we got home. After the boys were in bed, I got him an urgent care appointment at the out of hours clinic at 9.30pm. They sent us to children's A&E!!!! They said he was so tiny and in so much obvious pain and distress that he needed to be seen by a paediatrician to rule out sepsis!!!! Yikes! So we went. We were there two hours, and I was beyond exhausted - Elijah too. He cried so much the whole time, and I had to walk him and rock him (Neil was obviously at home with the boys, who were sleeping). He was too distressed for them to take observations even, but they did get a normal temp reading, which was good. Finally they gave us a prescription for ranitidine (similar to my prescription), but I had to go back the next morning to collect it from the pharmacy. He was so exhausted when we got home (midnight!) and slept pretty well considering - a couple of 3 hour blocks in a row.
* Good old A&E gave him his first cold! I'm kind of annoyed about it! Poor baby, as if he needed anything else added to it all!! *sigh* Anyway. He is getting over that a bit today, and has been on his meds for 4 days now. He is doing better today than he has in ages, but still cries and screams a lot of the time. He has even smiled and cooed at us today, which is sooooo wonderful! He really hasn't done any of that before now - though he did smile for the first time at 3 weeks, 4 days old. And maybe twice over the two weeks after that, until now. He didn't really make eye contact either, he was just too busy hurting or being exhausted from hurting.
It has been really hard, but I'm hoping things are going to improve soon. I have cut out dairy and that's not easy either, but I'll do ANYTHING for my manny. I love him so much.
These three photos were taken at 4 and a half weeks old, at the end of last week before getting him sorted out. They were taken sort of to document how he has been, for my own reference really. They show the three expressions that he has had up until then. The first is his "exhausted/blank" expression, which he does when he's not crying or sleeping, just for a very short while; the second is his "fretting/anxious/pained" expression - he whimpers with this one, and the look in his eyes makes me want to cry. He looks actually scared and like he is desperate for reassurance :( The third is the most common - crying or screaming in a pained/distressed way.
Then see these four photos that I took this morning!! He IS still spending much of the time crying and distressed, but there is a definite light at the end of the tunnel if I can get photos like these - I have not been able to before now. His face was actually relaxed for a while and he looked... happy! :) And he smiled! And even got a bit animated and tried cooing! So happy to have caught it on camera! :)
Elijah is otherwise doing great - he weighed 8lbs 11oz at exactly one month old (last Wednesday), which is funny to me because it's exactly Benjamin's birth weight! :) He is at the 25th percentile for weight now, having started at the 9th, so he's growing well! He is feeding great, and weeing and pooing for England.
Okay, got to go. Elijah's cold has passed to Samuel, Benjamin and Nathan today and all three are awake and crying right now (some SCREAMING) at half past midnight. Urrrghh! Long night ahead. I have so much more to write and pics to post, but I will have to do it another time.
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