Today isn't a good day, for no very good reason. I think it has to be hormones, but it's odd how it coincindes with things being a bit shaken up with the pregnancy (or the baby, more specifically). Neil is off work today because he booked Thursday and Friday off work a while back, to extend an already-long weekend (with the bank holiday Monday), so that has been incredibly helpful. I am not sure how well I would have managed the boys today otherwise.
I didn't sleep until very late again last night, with restless legs and just annoying awakeness. Today I feel anxious and just uneasy in myself. I have been breathless a lot and have had a TON of heart arrhythmias - palpitations sometimes, but mostly missed beats and fluttery sensations, which just makes me more anxious, even though it shouldn't really.
Everything seems blown out of proportion and I can't squash it back down to size, even though I know I should. I usually update Facebook with any random thought or feeling, but today I don't want to. I want a bit more privacy. I don't want a bunch of attention over how I'm feeling. I don't really want to talk about how I'm feeling, but on the other hand I do so want/need someone to listen to me, and to just be there for me. Twice today I have spoken to Heather on the phone, because she asked me to call her today, and then when I did, she was out and didn't have her calendar with her, so after we chatted, she asked me to call her again after 4pm when she would be at home and could make note of my scan appointment. I also spoke to the head of community midwives twice today on the phone. I should write more about these phone calls, and they are GOOD news, but I don't feel like it right now. Every time I spoke to Heather and put the phone down, I just started crying and couldn't stop, even if the phone call was uplifting and ended on a cheerful note. Weird. Last time I had a cry over something, I had such a horrible sinusy head/face ache the next day, and was really wanting to avoid that again! But I just can't seem to stop crying over everything! Maybe Heather really is THERE for me, and I can feel it, and that triggers emotion. Or something. I'm guessing, I have no idea really.
I'm just over-reacting and over-sensitive to everything, just like that, overnight. Yesterday I was way too tired to write here about the scan, but I figured I should because people knew I went for the scan and might want to know how it had gone (if they were not Facebook friends), and so I did. Hormones are not helpful when I do that and not a soul appears to have even read the effort I put into updating. I wish I hadn't bothered, just gone to bed and rested, and updated today when I had more energy and time. I wish I didn't even CARE about it! Urgh.
I feel so lonely and sad tonight. Neil is RIGHT HERE in the room with me, but he is watching a war movie with headphones on and I feel completely isolated and lonely and like sitting and crying like my little 2-year-old does over wanting something that he can't have - he sits on the sofa where I am, and cries and sobs, mouth wide open, tears running off his chin, just openly distraught at the injustice of my decision! ;) That's how I feel, but I'm a grown up, and it's over something ridiculously daft that isn't even true! It just feels true, even though I can see that it's not.
This whole day feels so unhappy and off-kilter. I keep trying to stay on top of the feelings and relax and see the positive side of everything - I spoke to my mummy today on the phone and she said to do that, and I'm trying, but my feelings are so heavy and keep sucking me down.
I know my little one is fine. I am full term, that makes things fine too. *I* am fine. So why do things feel so NOT fine? It's silly of me.
I will come back and write more about the phone calls, especially the head of community midwives, at another point when I'm in a happier state of mind. For now I just felt like pouring out my feelings for a minute. Now I am going to find a DVD that will not make me cry or feel uneasy, and sew patches on the knees of little jeans. I have no idea if such a DVD exists with the way my hormones are right now, but I am hoping Sense and Sensibility will do the trick. Hope it soothes my odd feelings and I can go to bed happier and at least get some sleep.
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