So I have definitely been feeling (and eating!) like the little one has been having a growth spurt these last three days. I'm at the end of Day 3 and starting to feel slightly less urgently hungry all the time, as is typical of the eating pattern for growth spurts. The midwife measured my bump at 37w6d, and got 34.5cm (34 and a half weeks) by slightly cheating as I mentioned before! I measured my own bump the next day and got 35cm (end of Day 1 of definite growth spurt type eating) which I was so encouraged by.
Tonight I am trying EVERYTHING to please please please be able to sleep or ease the horrible Restless Leg Syndrome symptoms. Last night after I updated, I had the worst night's sleep ever. Ugh. I was awake until 5am. I got up 3 times to pee, but was already awake so I wouldn't have been WOKEN all those times just to go to the loo, I'm sure. My legs were just awwwwful, I could hardly bear having them attached to my body, honestly. It sounds ridiculous but the sensation can drive me to tears and make me want to almost literally claw them off. I got up at 2.45ish because I was getting scrunchingly hungry again, so I went downstairs and ate a bowl of Cheerios, and put the laptop on for some Facebook "company". I was really upset and tearful and frustrated to diddly, and the distraction (and chat with Deborah!) calmed me down. I went back to bed at 3.15 but still didn't sleep until somewhere around 5am.
Samuel woke at 5.45am for the day, but he slept through other than that, even with a very fidgetty Mummy next to him! :) No milky overnight again. When he woke me and I checked the clock, I felt like I had begun to get drowsy but hadn't actually been able to sleep yet. The thing that made me realise I must have slept a little bit was the fact that it was light outside and I would have noticed that creeping in over the previous 45 minutes. I think it was starting to get light when I was last still awake. Ugh, sucky!! The other boys were getting up already and I took Samuel downstairs and was able to go back to bed until 7.15 when Neil had to get ready for work. I think I may have slept a bit of that time, but I was awake for a good while to start with and didn't check the clock.
Anyway NOT ENOUGH SLEEP!!!! I have been so tired out today, and the boys have watched TV most of the day, which also SUCKS. They seemed to pretty much lose the ability to use their brains for anything useful once it finally got switched off, so even if desperate I mustn't let them watch that much TV another time. Yeurgh! My legs have been crazy bad all day, which is much more unusual - it's a vicious cycle though because RLS (or mine, at least) is seriously aggravated by fatigue. The more tired you get, the more you are bothered by RLS. Annoying isn't the word! I have tried to lie down on the living room floor today but the RLS has been so bad that I couldn't stand to lie down for more than a few minutes, so I couldn't even rest much today.
I was beginning to get so anxious about tonight's sleep time looming ever closer, desperate not to have a repeat. It's infinitely much worse than just simply not being able to sleep (which sucks enough on its own!). I can't escape the sensation and know no remedies to even take the edge off when it's bad. Tonight I looked online for some simple home remedies that might make a difference, to try instead of feeling so helpless in the night. I also phoned Heather and talked to her about it for a while, and she had various ideas to try and was (as always) very supportive and encouraging.
So tonight I ate chicken for dinner - Neil was wonderful and went to Harvester to bring me back a grilled chicken breast with the works so I didn't have to cook anything (he wanted leftover pot roast which I had already had for lunch today). Chicken apparently has the same kind of sleepy properties that milk does. I had half a glass of red wine with it, and a banana afterwards. After a bit, I ran a nice warm bath and also massaged my legs. Now I'm dressed comfortably for bed and sipping a hot milky drink, and then I am going to stretch my calves and hamstrings and get in bed for the night, and HOPEFULLY find that the various things I've done this evening made a difference and I can get to sleep, and catch up with some good restful sleep tonight. It's actually rather late now, but it took me longer to get all the little bits and pieces done than I thought over the course of the evening!
The main reason I'm updating though, is that while I was in the bath I couldn't help thinking, "Wowee, my bump certainly does look proper BIG tonight!" and I seem to be lumbering (lol!) more than I was a couple of days ago, to get about from room to room. I feel more cumbersome, just today. I know I just measured my bump two days ago, and definitely have no intention of getting all obsessive about it, but I DO feel I have been eating for a baby having a growth spurt for 3 full days now, and with the way I look and feel this evening... I just became too curious not to whip out the tape measure. Again, I was very careful to find the right place to measure from and to, and lay nice and flat, and measured "blind" so that I could feel the right places and not cheat by looking at the tape measure as I did it! ;) I wanted to jump up and punch the air when I picked up the tape measure with my finger marking 36.5cm!!!! That's 1.5cm in 2 days!!!! I know it's not perfect accuracy or anything, but still, VERY encouraging! :) I don't know much about whether the time of day makes a difference to the measurement though... it has always been day time when I've been measured before. I did lay back down and check Elijah's position again right afterwards, in case his head has popped up higher again (which could account for a bigger measurement), but it's firmly under my pubic bone, the same as before.
I'm so excited!!! I think he has grown!!! And if I AM right about the measurement, then I now measure 36 and a half weeks, which is only 2 weeks behind (a bit less, even!) - not even cause for concern any longer, if his measurements concur at the scan! Yaaaaaaaaay! I feel so much better just knowing my bump is bigger, but we'll still see what's what at the scan.
Okay, Samuel is wakeful suddenly and I need to get to bed and try to settle him (and myself!). I'll update again soon! Thanks for the lovely comments on Samuel's "birth story" according to Heather's notes, which I posted this morning! It was SUCH fun to re-read them! :)
Friday, May 11, 2012
Samuel's Birth Story - Heather's notes!
Have just found Heather's notes that she jotted down during my labour with Samuel! I have written bits and pieces of birth story for him here since his birth, and it's pretty much complete, just not with as much detail as usual. Heather couldn't find my birth plan from last time, and asked me to check my saved emails in case I still have the one she emailed me last time. I did find it this morning, and also came across a Word document with her typed-up notes from the labour and birth! :) They're fairly short and bullet-pointed, but it was SO lovely to read them! There are a few things I didn't even know/remember, like I had no idea Samuel had the cord around his neck and body and needed untangling when he came out! Not sure how I missed that kind of detail, but I guess I was a tad overwhelmed at the time, lol! I don't have time to write a big birth story with my previous stuff and Heather's stuff combined (though I'd much prefer to have it recorded that way, like the other birth stories), but I can at least copy and paste Heather's notes here for people to read if they're interested, and for my own records here. I love that she sometimes notes things that I've said, or that one of the boys have said or done during the process - just as an aside to remember or laugh at later! :)
Here's the whole lot, copied directly from the document:
21/12/10
Here's the whole lot, copied directly from the document:
21/12/10
(Note – 41+2 today, and exactly 1 week on from the date Alice thought it would be!)
06:50 Get a call from A to say she’s having “hard, painful ctx” but not sure of regularity or length. She’s been up most of the night with Benjamin, who’s been quite sad, and she’s also been having diarrhoea. She had a bloody show last night and has been losing browny pink mucous overnight.
07:30 Arrive to find A very perky and fairly cheerful. The boys are up and quite vocal… Ctx coming 2 – 8 mins apart, short, but, says A, “the real deal!” I suggest she calls the midwives to let them know things are happening. She calls the hospital and talks to a mw who is a bit patronising until A tells her it’s her 5th baby – her tone changes completely! Says mw will call her back.
07:35 Mw calls back, and, to our delight, it’s Mandy! She’s on an early shift, but is fairly sure A will deliver in that time. She has a few things to do, then will make her way here.
08:10 All is calm and quiet in here – the rest of the house is less so, and we can hear nappy changing and eczema cream application going on downstairs under protest! I have changed the sheets, so that baby Samuel can be born onto the same meconium-stained sheet that Benjamin was born on….
08:15 Mandy arrives. A ctx roughly 3:10 probably lasting 30-50 secs (although not easy to work out as she makes no noise or change of breathing). M does routine obs which are all fine. She palpates & listens to baby Samuel, who sounds very happy. He hasn’t moved this morning, so it’s reassuring to hear his healthy heartbeat.
08:40 M has asked for the Christmas tree to be moved off the stairs in case we need to transfer in an emergency. The boys are a bit manic, so Neil resorts to Smarties on the sofa while he moves the tree, saying rather shamefacedly to me, “Bribery & corruption…” but I answer, “That’s what Smarties are for.” The tree goes onto the school table, while the boys munch on Smarties & stare wide-eyed. N moves the tree with great ease and I am very impressed.
08:45 M looks through the birth plan and is happy with everything except 3rd stage, which she would much rather do with syntometrine “as it’s your 5th baby” and because of the further bleeding risk of the succenturiate lobe. A thinks it over and agrees.
09:05 M has asked if she can stay in the room. A has declined a VE, so M wants to observe how she’s progressing. A is happy with this, so M sits on a chair at the end of the bed, silently, and does paperwork. I sit on the floor, next to the bed, and knit. A is still contracting silently, but it looks as though they are getting longer and stronger.
09:30 I go in search of towels, and Arthur helps me find some in the airing cupboard. He says it’s ok to use the one they usually use for a bath, “because we had a bath yesterday”. He asks if the baby’s coming yet and I tell him not to expect the baby until after lunch, or maybe not even until teatime. I don’t think it will be that long, but it’s better to say that so he’s not asking every 5 minutes!
We discover that the radiator in A’s room isn’t on, and the dial is turned to the snowflake sign, which is appropriate for the snowy weather…. I crank it up to full. Next it’s a search for the thermometer – Neil looks in all the usual places downstairs, and we eventually find it upstairs in A’s drawer. A is feeling a bit anxious (good sign…) and quite nauseous (another good sign…) so I give her a peppermint flannel. Ctx much longer and more intense now – slight changes in A’s breathing. FH good after ctx.
09:45 A has zoned out a lot more now, and taken off her glasses. She’s lying on her right side, eyes closed most of the time. She says she’s feeling “searing pain quite low, and moving round to the buttocks”. M is trying to work out when to call the 2nd mw. From observation of last time, I’d say there’s at least another couple of hours to go. All is fairly quiet downstairs and the boys are listening to a story tape. So far, the Christmas tree is still standing and unmolested….
10:10 N comes in to say that Benjamin has gone to sleep, which is good news. The others are watching Postman Pat. M is checking equipment etc. outside the room, and apart from periodically asking in a whisper if she can listen in or do an ob, she’s being marvellously silent. I’m still sitting by the bed, still knitting. My sense is that A needs a lot less reassurance than she did last time, so I’m staying quiet, although I do move the “Fear not” scripture from the wall behind A to the side of the chest of drawers so she can see it. A’s breathing changes with most ctx, and she’s doing gentle blowing now. FH still excellent. I ask A if she’s feeling safe and she says she’s feeling a lot more secure now she’s not feeling so nauseous (good old peppermint – works every time!) No idea what the weather is like outside as the curtains are closed, but snow is forecast for about midday. How lovely to have a baby boy born on a snowy day so close to Jesus’ birthday!
10:50 A says the last 3 ctx have been stronger, and she feels that her buttocks “are moving apart by themselves” so M thinks it’s a good idea to call Becky, the 2nd mw. It will probably take her a little while to sort out her car and get here in the snow. M prepares the syntometrine. The atmosphere in the room is very peaceful and calm – it’s so lovely not to have to keep shushing the mws or get them out of the way!
M looks at A’s rear end through a ctx. There’s no visible purple line that I can see, but A can feel “the bottom thing” during ctx! [note from me: the purple line Heather is talking about is something that is visible above the buttocks with full dilation or close to full dilation. It's an observation sign that my midwife uses (at Heather's suggestion with Benjamin's birth) because I refuse internal examinations, to see if I'm getting near to the 2nd stage yet.]
11:00 A blows into her hand for the first time (good sign) and needs to wiggle her toes to get through ctx.
11:10 Mw Becky arrives, and starts chatting quite loudly, but M takes her out of the room to update her, telling her that A prefers no chat in the room. A is lying on her left side now, so I have moved onto the bed where she can see me, and I’m not in the way.
11:25 A is starting to feel the chest/throat constriction, and puts her hand over her eyes. She’s feeling lots of pressure which is still sore after the ctx have gone. B is in the room with M now, and they communicate in the quietest of whispers. M whispers to B, “She doesn’t look like she’s in labour, does she?” No, but we know different if the past 4 births are anything to go by! Samuel is moving + + which is rather uncomfortable for A. I go to give N an update and say I wouldn’t be surprised if it was in the next hour or so.
11:40 A has been quite flushed (normal for her in labour) and M suggests we exchange the duvet for a sheet. Suddenly A says, “I’m so hot!” so I wipe her face with the flannel and she says, “Oh, that’s so nice!” M says, “they’ve definitely slowed down since B arrived.” Immediately, A has a big ctx, hiding behind her hand and making some little noises (this is new). Baby Samuel is supremely happy on the Sonicaid with the odd acceleration but no decels. A reluctantly gets up to go to the loo and rushes (as far as that’s possible….) to lie down again! While she’s out of the room, M comments that it’s helpful to have seen A in labour before, otherwise she would have thought not much was happening and might have gone away to do some visits. I say, “I wouldn’t have let you!” I can tell from what M & B are saying to each other that they are noticing ctx have slowed. They’re not seeming anxious, just commenting, but I’m sure this is just “rest & be thankful”/transition type stuff. I’m never sure why mws get so windy about this – it’s classic labour behaviour.
11:55 Another big ctx, A blows into her hand, more noises – all good! I say, “did that one feel different?” A says, “Yes.” I ask, “How different?” and she says, “That horrible end bit!” then adds, “You’re going to write that down now, aren’t you?!”
12:00 Another big one, and A needs to hold my hand. More noises of the “Ow!” and “Ooh!” sort…. A says, “I really don’t like this bit – how much longer now?” I answer, “We never answer that question…” The next one is much more in her bottom.
12:25 A says, “I don’t think I want to do any more.” We hear Benjamin crying downstairs and asking for the Hoover. A is needing to hold my hand for every ctx. She’s feeling pressure with every ctx, and beginning to bear down. Says she can feel “fanning out”. She needs reminding to blow into her hand. M can now see prgress from the outside (anal dilation and purple line). B goes to tell N that “progress is progressing!” I really need the loo but don’t want to leave A now….
12:50 Manage to get a quick wee between ctx! A’s hip is sore so she turns back to the right side and I move back onto the floor. The ctx are very sore in A’s back so M does massage while I hold hands. A says, “I really can’t do this.” (Note – this is such classic transition – wonderful to watch it happening!)
13:05 Change of position to semi-reclining. Back is still sore so I put my hand underneath and push hard into the sore bit. M massages A’s thigh as she’s got cramp as well. A says again, “I don’t like this bit. I don’t want to do it.”
13:15 First involuntary push with ctx. Says again, “I don’t want to do it.” I tell her she needs to lose control to birth the baby.
13:32 Head visible. M gives good directions to minimise tearing “Little push, blow, little push, blow”. A says, “I don’t want to” so I tell her to say, “I want to see the baby” which she repeats. I say, “Do you want to feel the head?” A says, “No!” then “Yes!”
13:40 Waters break and are, thank God, clear and the head is born. A says, “What’s happening?” I say, “Head out” and A cries, “Oh, take him out, take him out!”
13:41 Baby Samuel is born! The cord is round his neck and body, and he cries lustily while M untangles it, then Samuel goes straight onto his Mummy’s chest. I go and call N, who hasn’t heard a thing! He comes to the bottom of the stairs and says, “Yes?” and I say “He’s here” quietly so we don’t get a stampede! N comes running up.
13:42 Syntometrine given.
13:47 Placenta born. M takes it to the bathroom to check it over and there’s no succenturiate lobe! A miracle??
14:10 Samuel has been crying lustily on and off and is still on A’s skin. M has looked at A’s perineum and discovered a 2nd degree tear which needs suturing. She suggests doing it now – A isn’t great with suturing and doesn’t want to be holding Samuel while it’s done, so M suggests B takes Samuel & chacks him over (sigh) A looks at me & I mouth, “Not before the first feed..” so A declines. M says, “Well, put him on the boob then.” Samuel, knowing what’s expected of him, latches on and feeds like the pro he is.
Later….
B checks Samuel and comes back with the news that he’s a whopping 3.4kg/9lb 9oz! He’s 59cm long and has a 38cm head circumference. He’s their biggest boy to date!
I hold him (lucky me!) while M does the suturing (after quite a long search for the right bulb to go in the new lamp bought expressly for the purpose!) Samuel is still hungry and sucks on my finger the whole time. I keep A talking throughout the suturing and it’s not nearly so bad as last time. Samuel goes back to A and latches on again. M gets herself ready to go then remembers she needs to do baby obs. She discovers his breathing is a bit fast (80bpm rather than 60 or less) and makes noises about possibly needing a doc to look at him…. We both think, “Oh no!” and can’t bear the thought of having to transfer in. M does his temp and discovers he’s a bit cold, so we wrap him up (still skin to skin) and M waits 20 minutes to do obs again. I go downstairs and order Marmite on toast for A, then I stay down and read Frog & Toad, and The Cat in the Hat to the big brothers.
16:15 I come back upstairs to check what’s what and find M in her coat, ready to go, baby’s temp & breathing are fine and all is well – hooray! The boys come up to say hello t the new baby brother.
Another fantastic, instinctive and triumphant birth! Again, a privilege to witness – I look forward to many more…..
Thursday, May 10, 2012
38 weeks, 1 day
38 weeks!!! :) REALLY pregnant now, lol! So close to meeting this little boy, it's so exciting!
I feel quite a bit more settled and happy now, due to a few different things:
The evening before last, someone from church messaged me and said I should email a prayer request to the church about my little manny, for better rest at night for me, and for him to grow. I can't think why I hadn't done that yet!! Anyway so I did it right away, and while I was at it, I put out a prayer request at MOMYS as well (should have done that earlier too). The more people praying, the better! :)
I have slept a bit better these past 3 nights. All 3 nights I have had that bar of soap under my fitted sheet near my feet - this weird "cure" for Restless Leg Syndrome and cramps that Megan sent me an article about. I am definitely still getting restless legs at night, and some leg cramps too, that don't go when I put my foot on the soap (like it DID work for a zillion others). But there has somehow been a change of some sort all the same, since using the soap. My legs feel heavy and tired and.... dare I say it? Comfortable, lol! Since having soap in the bed. The first night I noticed it right away, and my toes felt sort of buzzy with it, and I didn't like the feeling and wondered what was up. I went to sleep maybe within an hour, which is a HUGE improvement for me, and my legs didn't bother me nearly so much as usual. On thinking about it the next night, this heavy comfy leg sensation is something I think I remember from like decades ago or something (!!) - I think it might be NORMAL tired legs! I had no idea my RLS has become so bad, and have just got used to it bothering me pretty severely every single evening and night time. They never feel at rest, are never anywhere close to the description of "comfortable", and just feel light and fidgetty and itchy down to the bone ALL the time. It's horrid! The contrast of relaxed, tired legs is such a delicious feeling. So I think something about having the soap there DID help.
The second night I definitely had RLS which bothered me a bit and wasn't relieved by the soap. BUT it wasn't as severe as usual, and I still had some heaviness in my legs as well. And I went to sleep within about 30 minutes!!!! Whoop whoop! Both those nights still started too late and finished too early, and were broken up a fair bit, but I was encouraged by the improvement, however slight!
Last night, I think I had my best sleep in at least a couple of months! I had trouble with RLS, possibly a tad more than the previous night, BUT still not as bad as usual and I still had the heavy comfy feeling behind it to some degree. I think it took me somewhere within an hour to fall asleep, and I was asleep before MIDNIGHT!!!! That's hours earlier than I've managed to fall asleep for ages! :) Not only that, but my sleep seemed restful. I woke at 2am, feeling like I'd been sleeping for hoooours - I had to check the clock. Samuel's feet were in my face, lol! He actually didn't wake at all last night. I am not sure if that's a first or not - he did stir plenty before I fell asleep, but settled back off sucking his thumb rather than breastfeeding. Anyway, I don't know if his feet in my face woke me up, but I really really had to wee, so that might have been it as well. After I went to the toilet, I fell back to sleep really quickly, and THEN Samuel slept until 6.15am!!! That sounds crazy early to most people, probably, but that's a BIG lie-in for Samuel at the moment. He is usually awake for the day an hour earlier, and sometimes 90 mins earlier than that. Hard-going!
Anyway so I felt really rested! The other boys were all up already (I have always had early early-risers for my little ones) and full of energy downstairs with Neil, so I took Samuel down and then went back to bed for another hour. I couldn't really sleep, but I dozed a little. I felt SO energized compared with normal this morning! I did become really tired out mid-morning and struggled to stay awake when putting Samuel to bed for his nap around 10am. I've been very tired since then but it was a much better start to the day, thanks to the sleep! :) I REALLY hope the trend continues, as I desperately need this kind of sleep from now until when Elijah arrives, especially if it's true that the lack of it has been linked to his slowing rate of growth.
The other very encouraging thing is that yesterday (the day after sending out the prayer requests), I had a good breakfast, and Heather and her daughter came over and played with the boys and were generally lovely company. While they were here, I became kind of lightheaded and shaky, as though I was over-hungry, but it was only mid-morning. So I had a banana. An hour later, after they'd left, I went to make the boys' lunch, and found that I was shaky and woozy with hunger again. That's when I suddenly remembered that the feeling was familiar from times during all my pregnancies when my baby is having a growth spurt!!!! :D And it also told me how it's been unusually long since I have had that kind of feeling, this pregnancy. Usually I think I get that roughly every 3-5 weeks through my pregnancies, and at more intense times of growth for the little one, it's a bit more often than that. My "baby growth spurt" symptoms tend to be incredible hunger that lasts 2-3 days, followed by feeling horrible and slug-like for a couple of days after that (no idea why!). I can't remember when I last felt hungry like this, this pregnancy, but it was definitely 2 months ago or more - a longer gap than I've ever had before between growth spurts. So I was reeeeeeeally encouraged! :) I hope so much that it means my little man is growing well at this very moment, not just growing, but having a SPURT of growth. I hope...
I was also craving protein and carbs along with the hunger. I was so hungry that I couldn't even stop to make the boys' lunch before having my own! I made a 3-egg mushroom omelette, two pieces of toast, and chucked a load of baked beans over that, washed it down with a huge glass of milk, and then ate digestive biscuits and half a bag of chocolate-covered raisins for dessert! I didn't feel stuffed either, and needed to snack again 2 hours later. The boys were wide-eyed at lunch, saying, "I can't believe how much you're eating!!!" and "I can't wait to tell Daddy what you've had for lunch!" hehe!
I had a pretty big dinner, but felt sort of overly full and a bit kicked in the guts (!) during the evening. The same thing has happened today. I needed lunch QUICKLY so I had a can of vegetable soup and cooked half a cup of rice to mix in - it barely fit in our biggest bowl, haha! We made brownies today and those are going down pretty well too! ;) And pot roast for dinner, yum! Tummy ache this evening though.
We're wondering if the improved sleep finally enabled the growth spurt, or if I'm sleeping better because of the eating - although I didn't start with the big appetite until the sleep had started improving. My appetite was never poor before all this though. One thing I am certain of is that sending out a prayer request the night before the sleep and appetite (and hopefully baby growth) improved is no coincidence! God is so faithful! :)
I decided from nowhere to find a tape measure and measure my own bump last night. A bit daft, but I just wanted to. I know that's not the most accurate thing in the world, and the midwife had just measured me the day BEFORE anyway, but I just felt like checking for myself. I know how to - pubic bone to fundus, and I am very familiar with finding both. To be sure I didn't "cheat" (haha!) I measured by feel only, lying on my back without looking at the tape measure. I held the place on the tape measure for checking afterwards, and it was spot on 35cm, so 35 weeks. I am sure I was as accurate as I could possibly be, so I'm encouraged that it was the best measurement I've had yet. The day before I had measured 34.5cm with the midwife starting the tape a tad below my pubic bone. And I checked Elijah's position and his head was still partially engaged, it hadn't popped up again or anything. So I was encouraged by that as well. If I do measure 35 weeks, then my bump has grown a week's worth since my previous measurement a week before (at 37 weeks), which is GOOD news! A week's growth in a week - never mind that I'm still 3 weeks behind gestationally, it's still growth! :) I hope the little one reflects that in his own growth. I have exactly a week to find out, but I will for sure be checking my own bump measurement again in that time to get a heads-up.
Heather was also very encouraging to me (as always) when she was over yesterday. I am now down as "low threshold" for transfer to hospital if I have a homebirth, and we talked about that a bit. She reminded me that it totally depends on the results of this next scan, and if Elijah's growth is acceptable or fine, then the low threshold thing should NOT apply, and she will help me to be firm about that when it comes to it, if need be. So that was reassuring. She also asked me what my gut instinct was about him. I was like, "Huh?" ;) I hadn't really thought about it. She said a mother's instinct about her baby counts for a lot. I paused for a moment to really think about it, and you know what? Every fibre in my being thinks he's absolutely FINE. I don't have any anxiety or concern about him if I block out all the bombardment of worries and stats and such that have come my way in recent weeks, and just consult my gut instinct. It was quite a surprising feeling to discover that! :) When I told Heather, she said, "Then I am sure he is absolutely fine." If my gut instinct changes, that would also be something to listen to. I feel a lot more confident about things, just from these few changes and reassurances in the last couple of days.
I am counting his "episodes" of movement now, as Mandi told me he should have 10 episodes of movement within a 24-hour period, rather than 10 individual movements (minimum). I had always thought it was individual movements, but the main thing is, he should be staying within his norm for activity, and if he changes from that then I need to call the hospital right away and get him checked out. Yesterday I started counting from when I woke up for the day, and he had 10 episodes of movement by the time I went to bed, each one consisting of a ton of wiggles and kicks, and hiccups one time, lasting varying lengths of time from a few seconds to 5-10 minutes. Today I did the same thing and right now he is just doing some slight wiggling which begins his 10th session of movement since I woke this morning. He hasn't moved about for very long in some of his episodes today, but two of them have involved hiccups, and one of them was a lot of REALLY hefty kicking about, more so than usual! I think he's FINE in there, I really do. I love feeling him move about!
The other new thing, which is a typical thing for me from MUCH earlier in my other pregnancies, is Braxton Hicks contractions. I really haven't had many of those this pregnancy - well, I have had them, but I'm used to long evenings of regular distracting BHs from somewhere in the 20s, week-wise. Not this time. But yesterday evening and tonight, my entire evening has been constant Braxton Hicks that are uncomfortable enough to distract me. Exactly like I'm used to in other pregnancies, but finally occurring at last this time around! I'm not thinking of them as "gearing up" for labour at all, since I am so familiar with them from other pregnancies (when they had nothing to do with labour whatsoever - I still went past 41 weeks last time even though I was phoning the midwife at like 27 weeks due to the regularity and intensity of BHs for hours on end!). But it's nice to know there's something working towards the end of pregnancy! They are not very comfortable but I am enjoying them. They don't hurt at all, just feel tight and make me feel a bit weird and breathless at times. I haven't bothered timing any of them, but they're definitely coming more often than every 5 minutes, and one or two have for sure been only a couple of minutes apart. I do notice quite a few during the day times as well, but I'm so busy and distracted, and I don't think they come nearly as often anyway, as when I sit down during the evening. I notice them in bed too.
OH! The most lovely thing happened last night! A guy at church who we've known for a very long time - Neil and I used to babysit their four children (all same age gaps as ours - the only other family we know!) who were aged 5 down to baby at the time, when we were dating and during our engagement, and now the youngest is leaving school!!! Yikes! Anyway, he phoned last night. He referred to the prayer request and said that if we needed anything we should just call them. He has become a talented photographer in recent years and has a photography business now as well as his usual job. He told me that he and his youngest daughter were looking into areas of business that they hadn't already done, re. photography, and they haven't done any newborn photography yet. They are wondering about going that route, but have no portfolio or experience, although he has a lot of experience producing fantastic photos in terms of portraits, weddings, families, etc. They were JUST talking about it, and thought that since I was just about to have a baby, they might ask me if I would mind (MIND?!?!!) if he took some photos of my newborn baby, because it would help them out (!!!) and I would get some free photos of my baby on a disc to keep! Um, let me think about that for a minute.... YES PLEASE!!!!! :D Lots of people are pregnant at church, but my baby is the nearest due, and I'm so happy about that right now! ;) I just didn't know what to say, I was so so so pleased and thankful! I have wanted some nice newborn photos with my last two babies, but have no possibility of affording such things, and am waaaay too amateur to do it justice myself. It has to be done very early on, and I'm too knackered to set up to take proper photos of my new babies at the right stage, I find.
So, my absolute rule about staying in bed for 2 weeks after giving birth? Yeah, I'm totally throwing that out of the window to get professional photos of my tiny one within the right time-frame! :) I will rest up afterwards, right? ;) These things really have to be done within 10 days of the birth, and the earlier the better, for the baby to be sleepy/calm enough, and (most importantly for the cute factor) malliable enough for various poses whilst sleeping! Ahhhh, so sweet! Because this guy works office hours, and has his studio in his home, he is thinking I need to go over with the baby on the first Saturday or Sunday after giving birth. I am REALLY hoping that I don't therefore give birth Wednesday or later, as far as that is concerned! I think it would be an exhausting ordeal within 4 days of giving birth - I really am not that able to get up and about much in that time without feeling rough. From 5 days onwards things improve I think, so I'm hoping in terms of convenience for photos, he might come on a weekend or a Monday/Tuesday. But obviously whenever he is meant to arrive is PERFECT for me, and the photos will have to work around things. I am just so excited about getting really nice pictures of one of my babies at last, when they're that tiny and gorgeous! I have none so far, just snapshots in poor light and such. So anyway I'm really excited about that news! :)
Okay it's 10.20pm and I'm wondering if it's worth going to bed, since my getting-to-sleep time has improved so much? How lovely it would be to get to actual sleep at a decent bedtime, never mind before midnight! In the past I've found that going to bed earlier = more hours awake and pulling my hair out in frustration than going to bed later. I guess I will just have to get up again if that happens, but here's hoping it doesn't. One time I tried going to bed literally when the boys did, and slept much quicker and easier that way, so it was good - but it all changes when I go to bed any later than that. Hopefully I will get to sleep easily tonight and sleep well, as I feel very tired right now. Also these BHs are distracting me a bit and I'd rather go to sleep and not notice them for a while.
Oh, I forgot to say last time about breastfeeding - it's now somewhere between uncomfortable and sore, and sometimes makes my skin CRAWL to nurse my little two (either of them really, and especially both of them at the same time). I know that's normal for where I'm at, and hormonal, etc. Just making note. Last week I hand expressed a tiny bit to see what was there (there's hardly anything from what I can tell) and still got white milk quite easily, although it looked like a colostrum mix which I've been seeing for a couple of months now. Samuel unfortunately happened to spot me doing this, and has taken to seizing my nipple and scrunching it when I offer him the breast, trying to copy my hand-expressing in a much more painful manner than I do it, lol! He likes to see the beads of milk and taste them :) Today he was asking me to (I usually don't) and I decided I would - such a push-over, lol! Anyway I could only express clear, sort of golden liquid, so it looks to me like it's purely colostrum now. I was mentioning it to Neil when we were getting the boys ready for bed, and Arthur has been learning about colostrum in terms of animals' milk when they have new babies, and was very interested to hear WHO had colostrum. I told him I did, and he got so excited because he said it must mean my body is getting ready for Elijah to be here. He started dancing round the living room, singing, "We're going to have a new baby brother, soo-oooo-ooon!" over and over! :) Sweetie!
Well, my BH contractions are coming every 2 or 3 minutes and although they don't last long, they're slightly annoying, so I'm going to get up and change position, and probably get ready for bed now. I'll update again soon! Thanks for the comments and support! :)
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
37 weeks, 6 days (midwife visit)
Well, just a quick P.S. to last night's post. I thought my midwife appointment was on Wednesday (tomorrow) but it turns out that it was today instead! Whoops! Thankfully I'd just had the boys tidy up the railway track all over the living room floor, but three of them were still in pyjamas and it was lunch time already (as yet unmade) when Mandi arrived!
It went okay. My blood pressure was 116/58, always nice to hear! I requested a full blood count again, even though I'm not due any more blood tests, just to see what my iron levels are like because of the weird cravings for wet soil and various chemical things! So she did a blood test, and the boys watched in total fascination. Only Arthur was squeamish and put his hand over his eyes, lol! He has always been that way and quivers over the slightest graze to a brother's knee. Matthew was MOST impressed! They will let me know if my iron is low when they get the results in a couple of days - if they don't get in touch I can presume it's fine. They are expecting it to be fine as my levels have always been great through all of my pregnancies, and at my 28 week blood test this time too.
My urine test was fine, nothing wrong there at all. Mandi measured my bump and made a sort of perplexed/frustrated face, so I knew that it wasn't the best news. She measured again and again, and even tried it from just below my pubic bone (cheating! ha!) but still even with that I only measured 34.5 weeks. Last time I was measuring 34 weeks, and I'm thinking the extra 5mm is sure to be from the fact that she measured from a tad lower than usual. She says Elijah's head is nicely down now, which is at least one thing that I can cross off my worry list! :) Of course he could pop back up, but right now his head is 3/5 palpable. Two-fifths palpable is officially engaged, so he's not engaged yet, but nicely down there. She said there's no cause to worry at all about cord prolapse while his head is like that - phew! :) She also said maybe that could even be encouraging, because I may have grown half a week's worth in terms of my bump size, in the past week, and since his head is lower this time, MAYBE he's grown a full week's worth in actuality, and the drop means the measurement is less? I should joyfully grab any possible GOOD news, but in truth I feel like she's grasping at straws and am only really believing the negative side of it, believing it to be much more likely that he isn't really growing much at all, or any faster than he was before... I really really REALLY hope the scan proves me wrong next week.
Mandi said you never know, it's possible that I could naturally go into labour before my scan and have the baby, but I can't fathom that happening with my track record! She agreed that it's not as likely, but she reminded me that every pregnancy/labour is different, so you never know!
She also pointed out that in view of the various issues going on, I will have a "low threshold" for transfer to hospital if I have a homebirth - meaning they are more likely to want me to transfer in at the slightest sign of heart decelerations for Elijah, etc. *sigh* I do just want what's best for him, of course! I just wish everything could go smoothly with no risks or worries!
Anyway, that's all I have time for - my monkey boys are starting to be mischievous in the other room! I'll update again soon!
It went okay. My blood pressure was 116/58, always nice to hear! I requested a full blood count again, even though I'm not due any more blood tests, just to see what my iron levels are like because of the weird cravings for wet soil and various chemical things! So she did a blood test, and the boys watched in total fascination. Only Arthur was squeamish and put his hand over his eyes, lol! He has always been that way and quivers over the slightest graze to a brother's knee. Matthew was MOST impressed! They will let me know if my iron is low when they get the results in a couple of days - if they don't get in touch I can presume it's fine. They are expecting it to be fine as my levels have always been great through all of my pregnancies, and at my 28 week blood test this time too.
My urine test was fine, nothing wrong there at all. Mandi measured my bump and made a sort of perplexed/frustrated face, so I knew that it wasn't the best news. She measured again and again, and even tried it from just below my pubic bone (cheating! ha!) but still even with that I only measured 34.5 weeks. Last time I was measuring 34 weeks, and I'm thinking the extra 5mm is sure to be from the fact that she measured from a tad lower than usual. She says Elijah's head is nicely down now, which is at least one thing that I can cross off my worry list! :) Of course he could pop back up, but right now his head is 3/5 palpable. Two-fifths palpable is officially engaged, so he's not engaged yet, but nicely down there. She said there's no cause to worry at all about cord prolapse while his head is like that - phew! :) She also said maybe that could even be encouraging, because I may have grown half a week's worth in terms of my bump size, in the past week, and since his head is lower this time, MAYBE he's grown a full week's worth in actuality, and the drop means the measurement is less? I should joyfully grab any possible GOOD news, but in truth I feel like she's grasping at straws and am only really believing the negative side of it, believing it to be much more likely that he isn't really growing much at all, or any faster than he was before... I really really REALLY hope the scan proves me wrong next week.
Mandi said you never know, it's possible that I could naturally go into labour before my scan and have the baby, but I can't fathom that happening with my track record! She agreed that it's not as likely, but she reminded me that every pregnancy/labour is different, so you never know!
She also pointed out that in view of the various issues going on, I will have a "low threshold" for transfer to hospital if I have a homebirth - meaning they are more likely to want me to transfer in at the slightest sign of heart decelerations for Elijah, etc. *sigh* I do just want what's best for him, of course! I just wish everything could go smoothly with no risks or worries!
Anyway, that's all I have time for - my monkey boys are starting to be mischievous in the other room! I'll update again soon!
Monday, May 7, 2012
37 weeks, 5 days
Thank you so much for the comments on my last entry - I appreciate the love and support so much! :)
I meant to update a lot sooner than this, and really really (really) do not have time to do so tonight either, but I am not sure if I will get any better chance on another evening! At the moment I have 15 patches to make and sew onto the knees of little jeans, and it's on my "to-do" list before the baby arrives, so this has been my 6th evening running spending the whole time from putting the boys to bed until late, sewing and semi-watching Sense and Sensibility on repeat. For some odd reason I am NEVER tiring of that movie right now, and I must have watched it a dozen times in the past week while sewing and am already happily anticipating watching it again tomorrow evening while I sew! :) Eventually I'll get bored of it and not watch it for ages, but apparently not yet.
I am doing better, I think - thank you for asking! :)
I don't really know how to describe how I'm feeling lately, so I can't really say. Neil has been home since I last updated because of the (very) long weekend, but he is back to work tomorrow. I am so thankful to have had the chance to rest up a lot and have a lot of help with the little ones. My emotions are odd (not particularly anything I can explain, just not my norm) and I often can't seem to deal with the antics of the little ones. I feel such a desperate need to escape sometimes, and I have been able to disappear upstairs and change bedsheets, or look at lists in my bedroom, and things like that, when I've needed to, because Neil has been here. I am not sure how I'll do with that kind of thing for the rest of the week without Neil here. This sounds really daft, writing it out and reading it back! I wish I could explain it better.
I feel like two things are going on - the first being that I am gearing up for labour and birth, and the new-baby-ness that follows. The second is that I am kind of dealing with feelings and stuff over Elijah's growth and the fact that it's all so up in the air right now - I can't know how he's doing in there yet, I have to wait another week and a half to find out. I can't know when he'll arrive - will they let me wait and go naturally, or will they say he needs to come out sooner? I can't know if I can have a homebirth or if I will have to be induced. I can't know if his issues mean that he will become distressed during labour and I'll end up with some major interventions (terrified of needing to have a c-section). I have no idea how labour and birth will start, progress, and finish. Or how he'll be on the other side of it. Or how *I'll* be. Or where I'll be. And since I can't know any of this stuff yet, everything is held in suspended animation, and I think the way I feel and am "dealing with" things (or not, as the case may be) reflects that at the moment.
I'm no longer crying all over the place, and my feelings are kind of less raw. But I feel odd. Sort of numb but irritable as anything. Normal but subdued, and unable to feel much emotional energy, if that makes any sense. I just want to busy myself, and not be distracted. Unfortunately that feeling means that the distraction of my lovely children is something I find really hard to deal with right now - and dealing with the distraction of children is a major (and precious) part of my role as mother-of-many-littles! I have no tolerance or patience of any sort, and am noticing that I'm kind of snappy and unkind in response, very easily - I'm ashamed to say. Nobody is irritating me more than my sweet hubby right now, and today he hurt his lower back. Through my ridiculously hormone-tinted glasses, he seems to be making a huge deal about it, and it's driving me nuts. Nuts. I feel like an emotional pressure cooker, and not very much in control of myself, and that feeling in itself makes me a bit anxious, just of ME and what I might come out with next. I am trying really hard to busy myself in a different part of the house to where the boys or Neil might be. That sounds awful, but I am anxious that I'm going to be too irritable around people right now, and I want to keep from saying something I'll regret by simply staying away from people as best I can!
Neil isn't at all involved in pregnancies, as such. He gives the various highs and lows little attention, and it bothers me, but there we go. It's just how he is with pregnancy. If something or other gets me in a state of feeling like an emotional pressure cooker, all it takes is a little trigger and that kind of thing erupts (unhelpfully). He does have a low pain threshold, but it drives me batty that I can't count the number of days and nights over even just this pregnancy near tears with pain in my back, and I still have to get on with 12 hour days on my own with 5 little people who have a lot of needs and demands for this sore pregnant body to meet - and meanwhile he's making a big deal out of what looks (by mobility and his description) to be less pain than I've had to deal with, can be helped by drugs that I can't be, and is apparently able to sleep like a log at the moment even without pain relief - a luxury that my back pain didn't allow me. I know I'm being irritable and unfair. But little things... it only seems to take little things to allow the whole pent-up unhappiness about other things spill out. I know that's NOT a good idea to indulge in, most especially when hormonal or stressed over something else. I am not sure how to stem the flow, so I am keeping my distance today, and hoping it's a hormonal blip that will pass tomorrow or something. Neil is a fabulous and incredibly involved daddy, and I don't mean to complain about him, just to clarify! The above is just part of how I'm doing today, so I'm including it.
I have been feeling very tense about Heather being away this weekend. To know that my sole support for labour and birth would not be around if something "happened" was a scary thought - well, just a very upsetting thought. If something happened and she was away, she said she would try very hard to get her doula friend to come and be with me in her place. But I don't know her, have never met her before, and would feel very unhappy without my Heather with me. I would not have Neil with me at all, even in that kind of situation. And the possibilities ahead of me re. birth and the little one I'm carrying are making me anxious and are just "unknowns" right now, so that makes it more difficult to deal with, I guess, than if I was just waiting to have my perfectly well-growing baby at home like I was a few weeks ago. I had no concept of any issues - I didn't see there being any at all (naiive?), but now it feels very much like there's a chance things might go as originally planned, but likely not. It all just feels very unsettling and upsetting right now.
Anyway, Heather is home tonight, as far as I know - she and her family were coming home from a long-weekend getaway today. I can't even describe how relieved I feel about that! Tomorrow she is out all day at a doula conference, a fair journey from me, but she said that if anything happens she will leave the conference and come to me, even if it takes longer to get here. Then it's Wednesday the next day, and I will be 38 weeks pregnant - which is when Heather officially goes "on call" for me until 42 weeks, by which time I should have given birth one way or the other! That means there is nothing that she wouldn't stop immediately and come to me, day or night, if I need her - for an appointment even, or if anything happens with the baby or with labour, etc. SUCH RELIEF to know that's only 2 days away! I think I will breathe so much easier after that. She and her daughter are actually coming over on Wednesday morning, which will be lovely! She said they'll come and give me a break with the boys. Her daughter is 13 and WONDERFUL with the boys. They all love her to bits, and get very excited that she's coming round, even if Heather isn't with her sometimes! She reads them stories and plays games and builds train tracks and is generally a wonderful help. She's homeschooled so that's why they can just come round on a Wednesday morning! :) I really just am longing for some company, but I think the boys will take up most of Heather and her daughter's attention. In the afternoon they have to be somewhere else, but Mandi (my favourite midwife) is coming round to do a 38-week antenatal check on me. I'm nervous to know what my bump will measure, even though it doesn't really matter - it's just a tape measure, and the scan the following week will tell me how things are REALLY going. But I'm still anxious to see if my bump is growing since last week. If it's not, I STILL have a week to wait.
I am also beginning to feel a bit stressy about getting things ready for having a baby now. Just a bit, not loads like I have done in other pregnancies. We are much more prepared this time in any case, so that helps a lot. But we STILL haven't moved Samuel into the boys' room. Every weekend we've intended to, but something has been in the way. No safety gate purchased. Samuel (and the other boys) not being well. Now they're well, but we've found a bit of mould in the bedroom that we want to clean before moving Benjamin to the other end of Nathan's bed for Samuel to move in, because it's near where he'd be and I don't want him sleeping there with mould on the wall! Yuck. But Neil hasn't got round to it this weekend and now his back might prevent him doing it for a bit. So we wait again. But I am not sure how much longer we've got! :S It's mainly for Samuel too, because otherwise it's a double-whammy of a transition for him, and I don't want him to have anything that makes life more difficult than it needs to be as he becomes a big brother for the first time. So that's stressing me a bit.
I finished packing my hospital bag, and cleared a couple of boxes out of my room this weekend, but I was told by the head of community midwives (and Heather) to rest up as much as possible, so I have just done bits and pieces at a slow pace, and that's all I've got done this weekend.
Jackie, the head of community midwives, was very reassuring in her phone call. She said Mandi had texted her to say that I had needed a growth scan, and so she was calling me to see how it went! So nice! :) She wanted to ask about the follow-up appointment, and whether I would be seeing the consultant. She wanted to give me a heads-up about what to expect him to say, and also to find out when the appointment would be so that she could arrange to BE THERE!!! I was so touched by that -she's ever such a busy person and has a lot of responsibility within the hospital and community. And yet she is interested enough in me that she wants to make time to be at the appointment. She wrote me a birth plan in her own time, and she wants to be able to help me add to it if there might be a different situation for the birth, like induction and a baby who might not do okay with the process. I am just so touched and happy - relieved as well. It feels so good to be so well supported.
She said that the most likely scenario if Elijah isn't growing well by the next scan, is that my placenta is tired and pretty much done for this pregnancy. She said often the signs of that happening are a slowing down of the baby's growth in the last month or so of pregnancy - basically like what is happening here. His blood flow is good, and he's active and seems well. She hopes it's just a "blip" and that he'll pick up pace by the next scan. If he doesn't, she says the consultant will want to discuss how long we let this pregnancy continue for, even though I'll already be 39 weeks. What she means is that he will want to induce me pretty much anytime from then, because if Elijah isn't growing well inside me, at 39 weeks he would be better out. He will grow well when I am breastfeeding him. The other concern is that if my placenta isn't giving him optimum nutrients and oxygen, he may be doing okay now, but the stress of labour and birth might mean he doesn't manage so well and may become distressed. That really scares me, because it's like, no matter where I am or what kind of birth we start out with (induced, not induced, whatever), nothing can really protect him from getting into trouble during labour, and that's my worry, much more than the when and where of it all. If the option to induce was there to protect him from that, then yay, but it's just to get him out. How he'll fare during the process isn't known, and there's a risk for him.
The whole thing makes me so nervous. Yesterday I was daydreaming about birth and stuff, like I have been for several months now, just going over previous births in my mind and looking forward to this next one. And I realised that instead of looking forward to it, I feel pretty anxious and scared about it. Even if I strip everything else away, just focus on everything being FINE at the scan and having the homebirth and the healthy baby, etc. Even then I feel scared of the upcoming birth suddenly. Like it's a big hurdle to get over, and it's COMING and I suddenly feel like I want to hide and not have to go through it! I think that's normal in the last weeks of pregnancy, psychologically. I really do. I think I have had that feeling every time, and I think it's something most (all?) women feel at some point in the last weeks of pregnancy as that HUGE moment approaches. Labour and birth really is a BIG deal! ;) Not necessarily a bad big deal, but a very very BIG deal nonetheless. I am excited in many ways, but getting really quite nervous about having to go through the difficult parts again - transition and birth being the main things!
But ohhhh I can't wait to have this baby boy safely in my arms. I hope hope hope so much that he'll be just fine, and not be at all distressed by the process. I can't imagine the relief I will feel right after giving birth when I am holding him all messy and new and squeaky-sounding in my arms, and the wait and "unknown" stuff is OVER, and he's here and NOW I can look after him properly and help him grow like he needs to. I'm frustrated with my placenta if that's what it is! I can't do anything about it to help him grow! When he's here, I know I will be able to do something for him, and he will grow well on my milk. I will just be relieved to have him in my arms.
The good news is that he is nicely active. He moves much more than 10 times a day (which he's supposed to do), and I can tell his alert active times from his calm active times. He still practises breathing (I see his back go up and down through my tummy) and gets hiccups - twice today, which is more than the once-a-day he's been doing for a while. It's very reassuring that he's moving and active and hiccuping, and it helps me a lot. I just hope he's going to be okay and is growing in there.
The other thing I have to do (as per Jackie and Heather's instructions) is to eat loads. Nutrient-dense foods, ideally, but basically I need to fit in mini-meals between my meals and so on. I am sure to gain a TON of weight, but I pray that some of it goes to Elijah! The idea is to put as many nutrients as possible through my placenta to help him grow, if it's tiring and not passing them on so efficiently. Also the rest part is so that I don't use up resources that would otherwise be passing onto Elijah as well. Jackie told me that it wasn't scientifically backed up, and there was no particular proof that it would make him grow, but that it was the advice recommended and there would be no harm at all in following it - it MIGHT make a difference. So I'm trying! I love all the eating, but sometimes I am just feeling too full!
I weighed myself last week and was 11 stone 9lbs - did I mention that already? I can't remember. I am not looking forward to getting on the scales again after the amount of eating I've been doing, lol!
Anyway. It's so late and I must go to bed. I have not been able to sleep until 3am or thereabouts for many many nights now, so I'm hoping that will change tonight otherwise I am toast tomorrow. I'm just so much more tired lately, even with Neil letting me recover from the nights by lying in in the mornings while he's been home. I'm always tired out when I get into bed, but I just. can't. sleep! For the life of me! Eventually RLS kicks in and then I am done for for a few hours. Megan sent me a link to an article about using a bar of soap as a remedy for RLS and muscle cramps today, so I am eager to try it and see if such a crazy idea will work for me! ;) I have been having a lot of trouble with cramps in the sides of my lower legs above my ankles, at night. Especially in the small hours of the morning and first thing when I wake. I lie still with my feet and legs straight, and feel my foot slowly pull up sideways as the muscle above my ankle scrunches into a cramp - it's horrid! Stretching or rubbing doesn't seem to help, or if it does for a moment, as soon as I relax again, up goes my foot to the side with a new cramp. I hope the soap trick works! I'll post a link another time.
Will update soon! Thanks again for being kind and encouraging last entry!
I meant to update a lot sooner than this, and really really (really) do not have time to do so tonight either, but I am not sure if I will get any better chance on another evening! At the moment I have 15 patches to make and sew onto the knees of little jeans, and it's on my "to-do" list before the baby arrives, so this has been my 6th evening running spending the whole time from putting the boys to bed until late, sewing and semi-watching Sense and Sensibility on repeat. For some odd reason I am NEVER tiring of that movie right now, and I must have watched it a dozen times in the past week while sewing and am already happily anticipating watching it again tomorrow evening while I sew! :) Eventually I'll get bored of it and not watch it for ages, but apparently not yet.
I am doing better, I think - thank you for asking! :)
I don't really know how to describe how I'm feeling lately, so I can't really say. Neil has been home since I last updated because of the (very) long weekend, but he is back to work tomorrow. I am so thankful to have had the chance to rest up a lot and have a lot of help with the little ones. My emotions are odd (not particularly anything I can explain, just not my norm) and I often can't seem to deal with the antics of the little ones. I feel such a desperate need to escape sometimes, and I have been able to disappear upstairs and change bedsheets, or look at lists in my bedroom, and things like that, when I've needed to, because Neil has been here. I am not sure how I'll do with that kind of thing for the rest of the week without Neil here. This sounds really daft, writing it out and reading it back! I wish I could explain it better.
I feel like two things are going on - the first being that I am gearing up for labour and birth, and the new-baby-ness that follows. The second is that I am kind of dealing with feelings and stuff over Elijah's growth and the fact that it's all so up in the air right now - I can't know how he's doing in there yet, I have to wait another week and a half to find out. I can't know when he'll arrive - will they let me wait and go naturally, or will they say he needs to come out sooner? I can't know if I can have a homebirth or if I will have to be induced. I can't know if his issues mean that he will become distressed during labour and I'll end up with some major interventions (terrified of needing to have a c-section). I have no idea how labour and birth will start, progress, and finish. Or how he'll be on the other side of it. Or how *I'll* be. Or where I'll be. And since I can't know any of this stuff yet, everything is held in suspended animation, and I think the way I feel and am "dealing with" things (or not, as the case may be) reflects that at the moment.
I'm no longer crying all over the place, and my feelings are kind of less raw. But I feel odd. Sort of numb but irritable as anything. Normal but subdued, and unable to feel much emotional energy, if that makes any sense. I just want to busy myself, and not be distracted. Unfortunately that feeling means that the distraction of my lovely children is something I find really hard to deal with right now - and dealing with the distraction of children is a major (and precious) part of my role as mother-of-many-littles! I have no tolerance or patience of any sort, and am noticing that I'm kind of snappy and unkind in response, very easily - I'm ashamed to say. Nobody is irritating me more than my sweet hubby right now, and today he hurt his lower back. Through my ridiculously hormone-tinted glasses, he seems to be making a huge deal about it, and it's driving me nuts. Nuts. I feel like an emotional pressure cooker, and not very much in control of myself, and that feeling in itself makes me a bit anxious, just of ME and what I might come out with next. I am trying really hard to busy myself in a different part of the house to where the boys or Neil might be. That sounds awful, but I am anxious that I'm going to be too irritable around people right now, and I want to keep from saying something I'll regret by simply staying away from people as best I can!
Neil isn't at all involved in pregnancies, as such. He gives the various highs and lows little attention, and it bothers me, but there we go. It's just how he is with pregnancy. If something or other gets me in a state of feeling like an emotional pressure cooker, all it takes is a little trigger and that kind of thing erupts (unhelpfully). He does have a low pain threshold, but it drives me batty that I can't count the number of days and nights over even just this pregnancy near tears with pain in my back, and I still have to get on with 12 hour days on my own with 5 little people who have a lot of needs and demands for this sore pregnant body to meet - and meanwhile he's making a big deal out of what looks (by mobility and his description) to be less pain than I've had to deal with, can be helped by drugs that I can't be, and is apparently able to sleep like a log at the moment even without pain relief - a luxury that my back pain didn't allow me. I know I'm being irritable and unfair. But little things... it only seems to take little things to allow the whole pent-up unhappiness about other things spill out. I know that's NOT a good idea to indulge in, most especially when hormonal or stressed over something else. I am not sure how to stem the flow, so I am keeping my distance today, and hoping it's a hormonal blip that will pass tomorrow or something. Neil is a fabulous and incredibly involved daddy, and I don't mean to complain about him, just to clarify! The above is just part of how I'm doing today, so I'm including it.
I have been feeling very tense about Heather being away this weekend. To know that my sole support for labour and birth would not be around if something "happened" was a scary thought - well, just a very upsetting thought. If something happened and she was away, she said she would try very hard to get her doula friend to come and be with me in her place. But I don't know her, have never met her before, and would feel very unhappy without my Heather with me. I would not have Neil with me at all, even in that kind of situation. And the possibilities ahead of me re. birth and the little one I'm carrying are making me anxious and are just "unknowns" right now, so that makes it more difficult to deal with, I guess, than if I was just waiting to have my perfectly well-growing baby at home like I was a few weeks ago. I had no concept of any issues - I didn't see there being any at all (naiive?), but now it feels very much like there's a chance things might go as originally planned, but likely not. It all just feels very unsettling and upsetting right now.
Anyway, Heather is home tonight, as far as I know - she and her family were coming home from a long-weekend getaway today. I can't even describe how relieved I feel about that! Tomorrow she is out all day at a doula conference, a fair journey from me, but she said that if anything happens she will leave the conference and come to me, even if it takes longer to get here. Then it's Wednesday the next day, and I will be 38 weeks pregnant - which is when Heather officially goes "on call" for me until 42 weeks, by which time I should have given birth one way or the other! That means there is nothing that she wouldn't stop immediately and come to me, day or night, if I need her - for an appointment even, or if anything happens with the baby or with labour, etc. SUCH RELIEF to know that's only 2 days away! I think I will breathe so much easier after that. She and her daughter are actually coming over on Wednesday morning, which will be lovely! She said they'll come and give me a break with the boys. Her daughter is 13 and WONDERFUL with the boys. They all love her to bits, and get very excited that she's coming round, even if Heather isn't with her sometimes! She reads them stories and plays games and builds train tracks and is generally a wonderful help. She's homeschooled so that's why they can just come round on a Wednesday morning! :) I really just am longing for some company, but I think the boys will take up most of Heather and her daughter's attention. In the afternoon they have to be somewhere else, but Mandi (my favourite midwife) is coming round to do a 38-week antenatal check on me. I'm nervous to know what my bump will measure, even though it doesn't really matter - it's just a tape measure, and the scan the following week will tell me how things are REALLY going. But I'm still anxious to see if my bump is growing since last week. If it's not, I STILL have a week to wait.
I am also beginning to feel a bit stressy about getting things ready for having a baby now. Just a bit, not loads like I have done in other pregnancies. We are much more prepared this time in any case, so that helps a lot. But we STILL haven't moved Samuel into the boys' room. Every weekend we've intended to, but something has been in the way. No safety gate purchased. Samuel (and the other boys) not being well. Now they're well, but we've found a bit of mould in the bedroom that we want to clean before moving Benjamin to the other end of Nathan's bed for Samuel to move in, because it's near where he'd be and I don't want him sleeping there with mould on the wall! Yuck. But Neil hasn't got round to it this weekend and now his back might prevent him doing it for a bit. So we wait again. But I am not sure how much longer we've got! :S It's mainly for Samuel too, because otherwise it's a double-whammy of a transition for him, and I don't want him to have anything that makes life more difficult than it needs to be as he becomes a big brother for the first time. So that's stressing me a bit.
I finished packing my hospital bag, and cleared a couple of boxes out of my room this weekend, but I was told by the head of community midwives (and Heather) to rest up as much as possible, so I have just done bits and pieces at a slow pace, and that's all I've got done this weekend.
Jackie, the head of community midwives, was very reassuring in her phone call. She said Mandi had texted her to say that I had needed a growth scan, and so she was calling me to see how it went! So nice! :) She wanted to ask about the follow-up appointment, and whether I would be seeing the consultant. She wanted to give me a heads-up about what to expect him to say, and also to find out when the appointment would be so that she could arrange to BE THERE!!! I was so touched by that -she's ever such a busy person and has a lot of responsibility within the hospital and community. And yet she is interested enough in me that she wants to make time to be at the appointment. She wrote me a birth plan in her own time, and she wants to be able to help me add to it if there might be a different situation for the birth, like induction and a baby who might not do okay with the process. I am just so touched and happy - relieved as well. It feels so good to be so well supported.
She said that the most likely scenario if Elijah isn't growing well by the next scan, is that my placenta is tired and pretty much done for this pregnancy. She said often the signs of that happening are a slowing down of the baby's growth in the last month or so of pregnancy - basically like what is happening here. His blood flow is good, and he's active and seems well. She hopes it's just a "blip" and that he'll pick up pace by the next scan. If he doesn't, she says the consultant will want to discuss how long we let this pregnancy continue for, even though I'll already be 39 weeks. What she means is that he will want to induce me pretty much anytime from then, because if Elijah isn't growing well inside me, at 39 weeks he would be better out. He will grow well when I am breastfeeding him. The other concern is that if my placenta isn't giving him optimum nutrients and oxygen, he may be doing okay now, but the stress of labour and birth might mean he doesn't manage so well and may become distressed. That really scares me, because it's like, no matter where I am or what kind of birth we start out with (induced, not induced, whatever), nothing can really protect him from getting into trouble during labour, and that's my worry, much more than the when and where of it all. If the option to induce was there to protect him from that, then yay, but it's just to get him out. How he'll fare during the process isn't known, and there's a risk for him.
The whole thing makes me so nervous. Yesterday I was daydreaming about birth and stuff, like I have been for several months now, just going over previous births in my mind and looking forward to this next one. And I realised that instead of looking forward to it, I feel pretty anxious and scared about it. Even if I strip everything else away, just focus on everything being FINE at the scan and having the homebirth and the healthy baby, etc. Even then I feel scared of the upcoming birth suddenly. Like it's a big hurdle to get over, and it's COMING and I suddenly feel like I want to hide and not have to go through it! I think that's normal in the last weeks of pregnancy, psychologically. I really do. I think I have had that feeling every time, and I think it's something most (all?) women feel at some point in the last weeks of pregnancy as that HUGE moment approaches. Labour and birth really is a BIG deal! ;) Not necessarily a bad big deal, but a very very BIG deal nonetheless. I am excited in many ways, but getting really quite nervous about having to go through the difficult parts again - transition and birth being the main things!
But ohhhh I can't wait to have this baby boy safely in my arms. I hope hope hope so much that he'll be just fine, and not be at all distressed by the process. I can't imagine the relief I will feel right after giving birth when I am holding him all messy and new and squeaky-sounding in my arms, and the wait and "unknown" stuff is OVER, and he's here and NOW I can look after him properly and help him grow like he needs to. I'm frustrated with my placenta if that's what it is! I can't do anything about it to help him grow! When he's here, I know I will be able to do something for him, and he will grow well on my milk. I will just be relieved to have him in my arms.
The good news is that he is nicely active. He moves much more than 10 times a day (which he's supposed to do), and I can tell his alert active times from his calm active times. He still practises breathing (I see his back go up and down through my tummy) and gets hiccups - twice today, which is more than the once-a-day he's been doing for a while. It's very reassuring that he's moving and active and hiccuping, and it helps me a lot. I just hope he's going to be okay and is growing in there.
The other thing I have to do (as per Jackie and Heather's instructions) is to eat loads. Nutrient-dense foods, ideally, but basically I need to fit in mini-meals between my meals and so on. I am sure to gain a TON of weight, but I pray that some of it goes to Elijah! The idea is to put as many nutrients as possible through my placenta to help him grow, if it's tiring and not passing them on so efficiently. Also the rest part is so that I don't use up resources that would otherwise be passing onto Elijah as well. Jackie told me that it wasn't scientifically backed up, and there was no particular proof that it would make him grow, but that it was the advice recommended and there would be no harm at all in following it - it MIGHT make a difference. So I'm trying! I love all the eating, but sometimes I am just feeling too full!
I weighed myself last week and was 11 stone 9lbs - did I mention that already? I can't remember. I am not looking forward to getting on the scales again after the amount of eating I've been doing, lol!
Anyway. It's so late and I must go to bed. I have not been able to sleep until 3am or thereabouts for many many nights now, so I'm hoping that will change tonight otherwise I am toast tomorrow. I'm just so much more tired lately, even with Neil letting me recover from the nights by lying in in the mornings while he's been home. I'm always tired out when I get into bed, but I just. can't. sleep! For the life of me! Eventually RLS kicks in and then I am done for for a few hours. Megan sent me a link to an article about using a bar of soap as a remedy for RLS and muscle cramps today, so I am eager to try it and see if such a crazy idea will work for me! ;) I have been having a lot of trouble with cramps in the sides of my lower legs above my ankles, at night. Especially in the small hours of the morning and first thing when I wake. I lie still with my feet and legs straight, and feel my foot slowly pull up sideways as the muscle above my ankle scrunches into a cramp - it's horrid! Stretching or rubbing doesn't seem to help, or if it does for a moment, as soon as I relax again, up goes my foot to the side with a new cramp. I hope the soap trick works! I'll post a link another time.
Will update soon! Thanks again for being kind and encouraging last entry!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
37 weeks, 1 day
Today isn't a good day, for no very good reason. I think it has to be hormones, but it's odd how it coincindes with things being a bit shaken up with the pregnancy (or the baby, more specifically). Neil is off work today because he booked Thursday and Friday off work a while back, to extend an already-long weekend (with the bank holiday Monday), so that has been incredibly helpful. I am not sure how well I would have managed the boys today otherwise.
I didn't sleep until very late again last night, with restless legs and just annoying awakeness. Today I feel anxious and just uneasy in myself. I have been breathless a lot and have had a TON of heart arrhythmias - palpitations sometimes, but mostly missed beats and fluttery sensations, which just makes me more anxious, even though it shouldn't really.
Everything seems blown out of proportion and I can't squash it back down to size, even though I know I should. I usually update Facebook with any random thought or feeling, but today I don't want to. I want a bit more privacy. I don't want a bunch of attention over how I'm feeling. I don't really want to talk about how I'm feeling, but on the other hand I do so want/need someone to listen to me, and to just be there for me. Twice today I have spoken to Heather on the phone, because she asked me to call her today, and then when I did, she was out and didn't have her calendar with her, so after we chatted, she asked me to call her again after 4pm when she would be at home and could make note of my scan appointment. I also spoke to the head of community midwives twice today on the phone. I should write more about these phone calls, and they are GOOD news, but I don't feel like it right now. Every time I spoke to Heather and put the phone down, I just started crying and couldn't stop, even if the phone call was uplifting and ended on a cheerful note. Weird. Last time I had a cry over something, I had such a horrible sinusy head/face ache the next day, and was really wanting to avoid that again! But I just can't seem to stop crying over everything! Maybe Heather really is THERE for me, and I can feel it, and that triggers emotion. Or something. I'm guessing, I have no idea really.
I'm just over-reacting and over-sensitive to everything, just like that, overnight. Yesterday I was way too tired to write here about the scan, but I figured I should because people knew I went for the scan and might want to know how it had gone (if they were not Facebook friends), and so I did. Hormones are not helpful when I do that and not a soul appears to have even read the effort I put into updating. I wish I hadn't bothered, just gone to bed and rested, and updated today when I had more energy and time. I wish I didn't even CARE about it! Urgh.
I feel so lonely and sad tonight. Neil is RIGHT HERE in the room with me, but he is watching a war movie with headphones on and I feel completely isolated and lonely and like sitting and crying like my little 2-year-old does over wanting something that he can't have - he sits on the sofa where I am, and cries and sobs, mouth wide open, tears running off his chin, just openly distraught at the injustice of my decision! ;) That's how I feel, but I'm a grown up, and it's over something ridiculously daft that isn't even true! It just feels true, even though I can see that it's not.
This whole day feels so unhappy and off-kilter. I keep trying to stay on top of the feelings and relax and see the positive side of everything - I spoke to my mummy today on the phone and she said to do that, and I'm trying, but my feelings are so heavy and keep sucking me down.
I know my little one is fine. I am full term, that makes things fine too. *I* am fine. So why do things feel so NOT fine? It's silly of me.
I will come back and write more about the phone calls, especially the head of community midwives, at another point when I'm in a happier state of mind. For now I just felt like pouring out my feelings for a minute. Now I am going to find a DVD that will not make me cry or feel uneasy, and sew patches on the knees of little jeans. I have no idea if such a DVD exists with the way my hormones are right now, but I am hoping Sense and Sensibility will do the trick. Hope it soothes my odd feelings and I can go to bed happier and at least get some sleep.
I didn't sleep until very late again last night, with restless legs and just annoying awakeness. Today I feel anxious and just uneasy in myself. I have been breathless a lot and have had a TON of heart arrhythmias - palpitations sometimes, but mostly missed beats and fluttery sensations, which just makes me more anxious, even though it shouldn't really.
Everything seems blown out of proportion and I can't squash it back down to size, even though I know I should. I usually update Facebook with any random thought or feeling, but today I don't want to. I want a bit more privacy. I don't want a bunch of attention over how I'm feeling. I don't really want to talk about how I'm feeling, but on the other hand I do so want/need someone to listen to me, and to just be there for me. Twice today I have spoken to Heather on the phone, because she asked me to call her today, and then when I did, she was out and didn't have her calendar with her, so after we chatted, she asked me to call her again after 4pm when she would be at home and could make note of my scan appointment. I also spoke to the head of community midwives twice today on the phone. I should write more about these phone calls, and they are GOOD news, but I don't feel like it right now. Every time I spoke to Heather and put the phone down, I just started crying and couldn't stop, even if the phone call was uplifting and ended on a cheerful note. Weird. Last time I had a cry over something, I had such a horrible sinusy head/face ache the next day, and was really wanting to avoid that again! But I just can't seem to stop crying over everything! Maybe Heather really is THERE for me, and I can feel it, and that triggers emotion. Or something. I'm guessing, I have no idea really.
I'm just over-reacting and over-sensitive to everything, just like that, overnight. Yesterday I was way too tired to write here about the scan, but I figured I should because people knew I went for the scan and might want to know how it had gone (if they were not Facebook friends), and so I did. Hormones are not helpful when I do that and not a soul appears to have even read the effort I put into updating. I wish I hadn't bothered, just gone to bed and rested, and updated today when I had more energy and time. I wish I didn't even CARE about it! Urgh.
I feel so lonely and sad tonight. Neil is RIGHT HERE in the room with me, but he is watching a war movie with headphones on and I feel completely isolated and lonely and like sitting and crying like my little 2-year-old does over wanting something that he can't have - he sits on the sofa where I am, and cries and sobs, mouth wide open, tears running off his chin, just openly distraught at the injustice of my decision! ;) That's how I feel, but I'm a grown up, and it's over something ridiculously daft that isn't even true! It just feels true, even though I can see that it's not.
This whole day feels so unhappy and off-kilter. I keep trying to stay on top of the feelings and relax and see the positive side of everything - I spoke to my mummy today on the phone and she said to do that, and I'm trying, but my feelings are so heavy and keep sucking me down.
I know my little one is fine. I am full term, that makes things fine too. *I* am fine. So why do things feel so NOT fine? It's silly of me.
I will come back and write more about the phone calls, especially the head of community midwives, at another point when I'm in a happier state of mind. For now I just felt like pouring out my feelings for a minute. Now I am going to find a DVD that will not make me cry or feel uneasy, and sew patches on the knees of little jeans. I have no idea if such a DVD exists with the way my hormones are right now, but I am hoping Sense and Sensibility will do the trick. Hope it soothes my odd feelings and I can go to bed happier and at least get some sleep.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
37 weeks - growth scan
Well, I've arrived at FULL TERM!!! Hooray! :)
I have also been for my growth scan this afternoon. I'm way too tired now to do a post about it any justice, and I did want to write as much detail as I could, but... so tired out and kind of woozy with it. So I'll write what I can, because I want to update the same day as the scan in case anyone is wondering what happened.
Elijah is measuring a little small. He has grown since the last growth scan two weeks ago, but his rate of growth has slowed down since then. He measured 34.5 weeks (which I am sure he measured last time?!!) and one of his measurements (his head I think) was 35 weeks or 35 weeks and a couple of days - something like that. The sonographer was great and re-checked his abdominal measurement (34w3d) like a dozen times, repositioning, different colour imaging, everything. Once he ascertained that Elijah was definitely smaller than he "should" be, he went to the next stage which was to doppler his umbilical cord to check whether his blood flow was restricted in any way. I asked lots of questions because he was so chatty and informative, and easy-going, and I felt able to just ask away. He answered everything really honestly, and I so appreciated that. He said that Elijah's blood flow is healthy and normal. He was looking for the level of resistance in the umbilical cord (it should be LOW resistance for the blood to be flowing through it well - high resistance means it's like a garden hose that's being stepped on or something!), and Elijah has a nice low resistance in his cord, which was a big relief to hear. He isn't restricted in terms of the nutrients and oxygen he's getting from me, so that's not the reason he's smaller than expected.
The good news is that he has grown since the last scan, but the bad news is that he has slowed down. The sonographer put his new measurements into the computer and compared them with the last scan, and he was apparently at the 16th percentile last time (I didn't know that! I thought he was just under the 50th or something), and this time he's at the 9th. His estimated weight by measurements is 5lbs 6oz today. I know that might be off by a bit, but awww, how TEENY! Nathey was born 8 days ago at this gestation and he was going on 6lbs. If Elijah DOES weigh that much, and he keeps his growth curve, he'll barely be 7lbs at his due date, which is totally not the norm for my babies - but still healthy and normal. If his curve keeps dropping then obviously he's going to be a real littley.
Because the scan wasn't "normal", I had to wait afterwards to go to the Day Assessment Unit. They wanted to hook me up to the monitors for a 15-minute trace, so reclining doing that gave me chance to calm down a bit. I HATED being on my own, more than I expected I would! I usually just get on with these things! Maybe it's the hormonal aspect this time? I don't know. When I arrived, I had walked from where I parked the car (about 5 mins) at a careful pace, because I feel very huge and uncomfy walking now and have to go slowly anyway. I still felt oddly breathless when I arrived in the waiting area for the scan, and once I'd checked in and sat there waiting, I had to work pretty hard to suppress a panic attack - something I haven't had in a very long time. I hope it was that! I am pretty sure it was though. I just felt like I couldn't catch my breath and was scared about it, and then I found it even harder to breathe than before, and the more scared I felt, the worse it got! Thankfully it was a pretty empty waiting area (which helped me feel less panicky) and I figured it was panic and not actual breathing trouble, so kept that thought in my head and worked on breathing normally and trying to calm down. I wasn't quite there by the time I was called in for the scan, but it was okay. I was just so nervous, and I knew it wasn't like anything would be DREADFULLY wrong, but I just felt anxious and couldn't seem to talk myself out of it. The first chance I got to really relax better was while I was being monitored (they left me alone for that). The first 10 minutes I was having trouble with anxiety but after that it got better. Hearing Elijah's heartbeat constantly was partly reassuring and partly an extra anxiety focus, and I just felt tearful after a while and wanted to go home, or to have someone sitting in the curtained bay with me to keep me company.
He was wiggly and active during the trace recording which was good, and also while I was waiting for the scan. They were pleased with his heart rate and his responses to activity on the trace. I had to wait after that for a doctor to come and review me. A registrar came and said she was not concerned as such, but that they would like me to come back in 2 weeks at 39 weeks if I haven't delivered by then (me, deliver before my due date? I don't think so!), and have another growth scan to check on Elijah's rate of growth. So I am going back for another scan on Thursday 17th, at 4.30pm again. After the scan I have to see my consultant, which I feel a bit funny about now because I had the head of community midwives cancel my 36 week appointment with him, because I didn't want to see him again to hear him discourage me about having a homebirth! :S I hope it won't be awkward to see him! I still want a homebirth. But obviously I want what's best for Elijah. If he's healthy and small, but within normal range for a term baby, then I want a homebirth. If at the next scan they think something is up because his growth is slowing down more, then I guess they might discuss induction with me or something? I don't know. I don't really want to cross that bridge until I come to it, in my head. So I won't for now. Or at least, I'll try not to.
When I got home I phoned Heather - she said I should phone her on her doula mobile, even though she's busy at this event that meant that she couldn't come with me. She was so sorry she hadn't been able to come with me. I sooooo hope she will be able to come with me for the next scan and consultant appointment - in fact I am not sure what I will do if she can't :( Today felt upsetting and stressful on my own, and it will be more so next time with the consultant on top of the scan, especially if things aren't going as well as hoped for. I will have to wait to call Heather tomorrow when she's at home, so that she can check to see if she's available. By 39 weeks, she will be officially "on call" for me (from 38 weeks to 42 weeks) so I hope that means she is more likely to be able to come with me.
I had to wait quite a while there, long after the receptionists went home and closed up, and I was the only person left being seen on that floor. I got home as Neil was getting the boys ready for bed, and so went straight into the bedtime routine with them. Random note: It's pretty sore to breastfeed at the moment. Hormone changes, I think. But yeah, of note.
I don't feel very comfortable in myself, physically today. I feel sort of tight in the diaphragm area, which is what added to that panicky feeling earlier at the hospital. I don't know if that's just normal "I'm huge and pregnant right up to my lungs" stuff, or if it's not okay. This evening I am having a TON of weird heartbeats, which I randomly seem to get from time to time (not necessarily when pregnant), and even had a 24-hour ECG (which I never heard back about, now I think of it! But which I think failed because the electrodes wouldn't stay on) last year at one point, maybe right at the beginning of this pregnancy? It was booked before I got pregnant though. Anyway, I haven't really had any bother to speak of from those heart rhythms since then, but tonight I am having a ton of them. My heart feels fluttery and thumpy and keeps missing beats, and although I have had this a lot before and have heard from absolutely countless people how they have the same (especially during pregnancy) and were investigated and found to be fine, it is still FREAKING ME OUT tonight. :S
I am tired out of my brains, so maybe that's part of it. I feel exhausted in every possible way, physically, emotionally, etc. Usually I am just physically tired out, but it's just everything tonight. I didn't sleep well at all last night, yet again. I am still really struggling with insomnia, although I had a brief respite for a few nights, it seems to be getting back to how bad it was before. Last night I went to bed early-ish for me, and still couldn't sleep until 3am or something like that. My legs got unbelievably restless and I had to get up and do stretches until they hurt to get some relief - that's the 4th night running I have ended up having to do that now. Also I seemed to have to go for a wee 5 times in the night! ;) I guess I'm getting to that stage of pregnancy! They did test my urine today and it was perfectly normal, so that's good. Oh and the first thing the sonographer said when he started the scan was, "Baby's head is really deep in your pelvis" - and it was! So much so that I never got even the slightest glimpse of his face. So he was "up" yesterday, and has moved down today. He does yo-yo like that, and could be up again by now I guess, so I'll just keep an eye on that so I'm aware of what he's doing in case my waters break. I did see his lil bit though - he's still a boy! :)
I do love this baby boy so very much! And on that note, I am going to bed to try to relax myself over my heart doing things I don't like, and get some sleep (I hope!). I just wish everything wasn't so ruffled and stressy at this moment, but I'm glad they are being thorough and looking after my tiny manny well.
I have also been for my growth scan this afternoon. I'm way too tired now to do a post about it any justice, and I did want to write as much detail as I could, but... so tired out and kind of woozy with it. So I'll write what I can, because I want to update the same day as the scan in case anyone is wondering what happened.
Elijah is measuring a little small. He has grown since the last growth scan two weeks ago, but his rate of growth has slowed down since then. He measured 34.5 weeks (which I am sure he measured last time?!!) and one of his measurements (his head I think) was 35 weeks or 35 weeks and a couple of days - something like that. The sonographer was great and re-checked his abdominal measurement (34w3d) like a dozen times, repositioning, different colour imaging, everything. Once he ascertained that Elijah was definitely smaller than he "should" be, he went to the next stage which was to doppler his umbilical cord to check whether his blood flow was restricted in any way. I asked lots of questions because he was so chatty and informative, and easy-going, and I felt able to just ask away. He answered everything really honestly, and I so appreciated that. He said that Elijah's blood flow is healthy and normal. He was looking for the level of resistance in the umbilical cord (it should be LOW resistance for the blood to be flowing through it well - high resistance means it's like a garden hose that's being stepped on or something!), and Elijah has a nice low resistance in his cord, which was a big relief to hear. He isn't restricted in terms of the nutrients and oxygen he's getting from me, so that's not the reason he's smaller than expected.
The good news is that he has grown since the last scan, but the bad news is that he has slowed down. The sonographer put his new measurements into the computer and compared them with the last scan, and he was apparently at the 16th percentile last time (I didn't know that! I thought he was just under the 50th or something), and this time he's at the 9th. His estimated weight by measurements is 5lbs 6oz today. I know that might be off by a bit, but awww, how TEENY! Nathey was born 8 days ago at this gestation and he was going on 6lbs. If Elijah DOES weigh that much, and he keeps his growth curve, he'll barely be 7lbs at his due date, which is totally not the norm for my babies - but still healthy and normal. If his curve keeps dropping then obviously he's going to be a real littley.
Because the scan wasn't "normal", I had to wait afterwards to go to the Day Assessment Unit. They wanted to hook me up to the monitors for a 15-minute trace, so reclining doing that gave me chance to calm down a bit. I HATED being on my own, more than I expected I would! I usually just get on with these things! Maybe it's the hormonal aspect this time? I don't know. When I arrived, I had walked from where I parked the car (about 5 mins) at a careful pace, because I feel very huge and uncomfy walking now and have to go slowly anyway. I still felt oddly breathless when I arrived in the waiting area for the scan, and once I'd checked in and sat there waiting, I had to work pretty hard to suppress a panic attack - something I haven't had in a very long time. I hope it was that! I am pretty sure it was though. I just felt like I couldn't catch my breath and was scared about it, and then I found it even harder to breathe than before, and the more scared I felt, the worse it got! Thankfully it was a pretty empty waiting area (which helped me feel less panicky) and I figured it was panic and not actual breathing trouble, so kept that thought in my head and worked on breathing normally and trying to calm down. I wasn't quite there by the time I was called in for the scan, but it was okay. I was just so nervous, and I knew it wasn't like anything would be DREADFULLY wrong, but I just felt anxious and couldn't seem to talk myself out of it. The first chance I got to really relax better was while I was being monitored (they left me alone for that). The first 10 minutes I was having trouble with anxiety but after that it got better. Hearing Elijah's heartbeat constantly was partly reassuring and partly an extra anxiety focus, and I just felt tearful after a while and wanted to go home, or to have someone sitting in the curtained bay with me to keep me company.
He was wiggly and active during the trace recording which was good, and also while I was waiting for the scan. They were pleased with his heart rate and his responses to activity on the trace. I had to wait after that for a doctor to come and review me. A registrar came and said she was not concerned as such, but that they would like me to come back in 2 weeks at 39 weeks if I haven't delivered by then (me, deliver before my due date? I don't think so!), and have another growth scan to check on Elijah's rate of growth. So I am going back for another scan on Thursday 17th, at 4.30pm again. After the scan I have to see my consultant, which I feel a bit funny about now because I had the head of community midwives cancel my 36 week appointment with him, because I didn't want to see him again to hear him discourage me about having a homebirth! :S I hope it won't be awkward to see him! I still want a homebirth. But obviously I want what's best for Elijah. If he's healthy and small, but within normal range for a term baby, then I want a homebirth. If at the next scan they think something is up because his growth is slowing down more, then I guess they might discuss induction with me or something? I don't know. I don't really want to cross that bridge until I come to it, in my head. So I won't for now. Or at least, I'll try not to.
When I got home I phoned Heather - she said I should phone her on her doula mobile, even though she's busy at this event that meant that she couldn't come with me. She was so sorry she hadn't been able to come with me. I sooooo hope she will be able to come with me for the next scan and consultant appointment - in fact I am not sure what I will do if she can't :( Today felt upsetting and stressful on my own, and it will be more so next time with the consultant on top of the scan, especially if things aren't going as well as hoped for. I will have to wait to call Heather tomorrow when she's at home, so that she can check to see if she's available. By 39 weeks, she will be officially "on call" for me (from 38 weeks to 42 weeks) so I hope that means she is more likely to be able to come with me.
I had to wait quite a while there, long after the receptionists went home and closed up, and I was the only person left being seen on that floor. I got home as Neil was getting the boys ready for bed, and so went straight into the bedtime routine with them. Random note: It's pretty sore to breastfeed at the moment. Hormone changes, I think. But yeah, of note.
I don't feel very comfortable in myself, physically today. I feel sort of tight in the diaphragm area, which is what added to that panicky feeling earlier at the hospital. I don't know if that's just normal "I'm huge and pregnant right up to my lungs" stuff, or if it's not okay. This evening I am having a TON of weird heartbeats, which I randomly seem to get from time to time (not necessarily when pregnant), and even had a 24-hour ECG (which I never heard back about, now I think of it! But which I think failed because the electrodes wouldn't stay on) last year at one point, maybe right at the beginning of this pregnancy? It was booked before I got pregnant though. Anyway, I haven't really had any bother to speak of from those heart rhythms since then, but tonight I am having a ton of them. My heart feels fluttery and thumpy and keeps missing beats, and although I have had this a lot before and have heard from absolutely countless people how they have the same (especially during pregnancy) and were investigated and found to be fine, it is still FREAKING ME OUT tonight. :S
I am tired out of my brains, so maybe that's part of it. I feel exhausted in every possible way, physically, emotionally, etc. Usually I am just physically tired out, but it's just everything tonight. I didn't sleep well at all last night, yet again. I am still really struggling with insomnia, although I had a brief respite for a few nights, it seems to be getting back to how bad it was before. Last night I went to bed early-ish for me, and still couldn't sleep until 3am or something like that. My legs got unbelievably restless and I had to get up and do stretches until they hurt to get some relief - that's the 4th night running I have ended up having to do that now. Also I seemed to have to go for a wee 5 times in the night! ;) I guess I'm getting to that stage of pregnancy! They did test my urine today and it was perfectly normal, so that's good. Oh and the first thing the sonographer said when he started the scan was, "Baby's head is really deep in your pelvis" - and it was! So much so that I never got even the slightest glimpse of his face. So he was "up" yesterday, and has moved down today. He does yo-yo like that, and could be up again by now I guess, so I'll just keep an eye on that so I'm aware of what he's doing in case my waters break. I did see his lil bit though - he's still a boy! :)
I do love this baby boy so very much! And on that note, I am going to bed to try to relax myself over my heart doing things I don't like, and get some sleep (I hope!). I just wish everything wasn't so ruffled and stressy at this moment, but I'm glad they are being thorough and looking after my tiny manny well.
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