28 weeks (belated!)

Oh dear, I'm so very behind!!! It's very late and instead of going to bed (like I should!) I am here trying to catch up a bit. I'm currently 30 (!!!!) weeks pregnant, but I meant to update for 28 weeks, and just STILL haven't got round to it. So this will be a quick entry for 28 weeks, and I'll update with stuff from the last week or so as soon as I can.

First things first - I set the camera timer to take a 28 week belly pic on the day I turned 28 weeks, so FINALLY I can add a picture to the gallery! It's been quite neglected this pregnancy :( I took the photo during the day when Neil was at work, so of course all the boys were about. I ended up taking one with all of them in it with me, which turned out lovely! :) I really like seeing all my sweetie pies around me with my baby bump! Here it is (and I'll post it in the gallery too):





Also at 28 weeks I had a midwife appointment - my first since 16 weeks!!! They are so far and few in between these days. NHS cuts or something :/ Anyway, that was on the Thursday, the day after the photo was taken. Everything seems fine - my urine was completely normal and my blood pressure was 110/65, which I was pleased about. I don't like it to get too low because I feel a bit rubbish, so I followed their advice and drank PLENTY that morning, which made for a nice low (but not too low!) blood pressure! :) Also it went in my favour for all the blood I had to have taken at the appointment - just routine blood tests for antibodies and haemoglobin levels, etc. I get the results at my next appointment, I think. Anyway that all went fine.

The midwife (Carol - the midwife who first came round when I was in labour with Benjamin, but who didn't end up staying until he was born because her shift ended) felt my tummy and said that Elijah is transverse. I knew he was, and had been for quite some weeks, because his head seemed to be always in my left side, and there were lots of kicks and wiggles in my right side, or upwards or downwards on my right side too. She said he was curled up happily like he was lying in a hammock with his back to my pelvis. NOT a position I want him to stay in, but she said there was no cause for concern at 28 weeks. At 36 weeks that would not be good! But at 28 weeks he has plenty of time to turn around. I think he did turn around since then, but I honestly can't for the life of me feel which way up or down or round he is since then. Kicks seem to be everywhere and there are various hard lumps which *could* be his head, in random locations! I feel a bit annoyed with myself because I have always found it easy to feel my babies through my tummy, and I feel as though I'm losing my touch or something this time! Or maybe my layers are just getting kind of "slack" and that's why?! Anyway, I will have to wait until my next appointment - the consultant at 32 weeks - to have someone feel my tummy and tell me which way up my baby is. *sigh* I keep checking though, in case it gets more obvious to me, meanwhile.

We heard his sweet little heart beating, and he wiggled and had some hiccups after a bit, and that was lovely! And that was pretty much it. I was "due" an Anti-D injection but they know (at last!) that I refuse them because Neil is also rhesus negative, so that wasn't an issue. She asked if I still want a homebirth, and I said yes. I do, because that's the most obvious, natural thing to do about giving birth, for me. I wouldn't CHOOSE a hospital birth, unless there became a reason for doing so. So I just presume to have my baby at home, and keep open-minded about things as the pregnancy progresses, in case any issues come up. Of course, I have Heather to help me weigh things up if that happens, and make the best decision. I don't have a huge aversion to giving birth in hospital at all, but I definitely prefer to be at home, it's SOOOOOO much nicer! :) Hopefully my little manny will turn head down and not give anyone pause for thought about the location of the birth! I ESPECIALLY do not want to have a caesarean. That's a positively terrifying thought for me! :S But I am not thinking about that until later on down the line.

I weighed myself at last, for the first time in aaaaages, at 27 and a half weeks. I weighed 10 stone 5lbs, or was it 10 stone 6lbs?? I can't remember now! My memory is AWFUL this pregnancy, and I'm absolutely foggy at all times in my head! Anyway I think I started this pregnancy at somewhere around 8 and a half stone (or was it a bit less?) - my lightest start to a pregnancy since my SECOND baby, thanks to a tummy bug and a kidney stone in the months before conceiving. So at 28 weeks I had gained roughly a lb per week of my pregnancy, which at this stage is very normal and typical for me. I was LESS thrilled 9 days later when I was feeling very heavy and it was hard work to force my thighs to carry me up the stairs (!!), and the scales confirmed for me that I had gained 4lbs. In 9 days. I had been eating ANYTHING I felt like, and usually do when I'm pregnant (can't stand obsessing over weight during pregnancy, it's a pet peeve of mine when people do that), but I had been craving a lot of sweet junk and carbs and so on - ohhh the doughnuts I put away around that time! ;) Quite a lot of doughnuts... I guess I am arriving at the stage (third trimester now!!) where I put on weight much faster and more easily than before, and for that matter, so does my baby. THAT'S the thing that made me stop and think about it. So far my babies have weighed (in order of birth) 8lbs 1oz, 7lbs 11oz (he's my pattern breaker, but has always been petite ever since), 5lbs 13oz at 35 weeks (which would have converted to roughly 8lbs 8oz at my due date), 8lbs 11oz, and most recently 9lbs 9oz. Those last two babies were definitely bigger than my frame (I'm normally a petite build and 5ft 3in) would ideally manage to carry, and I actually had to push them out as well (the previous two didn't need a single push, lol!). Samuel had a lot of congestion and bruising to his face when he was born, and broken blood vessels in the whites of his eyes. He didn't get stuck, and he wasn't born particularly fast or slow, but I am thinking his size in comparison to mine was the likely reason. Labour and birth with Samuel was about 4 hours and 45 minutes, though they really didn't know when to say labour actually started, since I just lie there quietly giving relatively few signs of labouring until I get near to transition! I also never allow them to examine me to check how dilated I am, so they can't tell that way either. They had to count back the hours and ask me about my own feelings on my progress to figure it out, so it was pretty approximate. I believe they put my second stage down as 7 minutes last time - my longest in quite a few babies.

I really really really would prefer it if I did not grow Elijah as big as my last two babies. I am not sure if I can do much about that! But if I can, it would be a good thing. I don't NEED to carry 9lb babies, and my babies definitely don't NEED to grow to 9lbs - for example, Samuel is the same body type as Matthew, who was born at a pretty accurate birth weight for his body type and dropped to an ever lower percentile as a baby for his first year. Samuel is the same way, so he wasn't really MEANT to be a big newborn, not as far as his genetics go anyway. I'm wondering if I consumed less sugar in my 3rd trimesters, that maybe I might come out at the end with lighter, more-appropriate-for-their-body-type babies? When Benjamin was born they said my placenta was really big, and told me they weren't surprised he was my biggest therefore. So there would have been nothing I could do about that! ;) But I was so shocked when they told me Samuel's weight after he was born! I couldn't believe I'd carried and birthed a baby heavier than 9 and a half pounds! Little me! lol! Anyway. Elijah feels kind of big to me, but probably just because I'm feeling good and pregnant at this stage now. The top of my uterus has continued to measure "low" to me, in fingerwidths above my tummy button. I mentioned this to the midwife, and she said it did SEEM a little on the low side, but I measured about 28cm anyway (spot on for 28 weeks) with the tape measure, so she put it down to the fact that he's transverse.

Anyway, since the discovery of my 4lb gain in 9 days I have slowed down on the sugar and carbs a bit. I am still eating sugar and carbs! But I don't need to stuff my face with chocolate every evening! ;) And I haven't bought any more doughnuts since, either. I'm trying to stop eating when I feel full instead of finishing my plateful, which I sometimes have been doing. And eat more fruit - I don't eat enough of that anyway, and it is sweet so it satisfies some of the sugar craving. Otherwise I'm continuing to eat when and what I want, as before. It probably won't make any difference to the weight gain speed, but it's probably better to make those small changes anyway! I normally gain 40lbs + over a whole pregnancy, and my first few were all 55lbs + in total - I hope I don't gain quite that much this time because it wasn't nice to be that heavy on my frame at the end, those other times.

So that is about all for the 28 week update (and a little beyond, here and there!). I have been having a lot of pelvic pain in my lower back, deep in my pelvis. Nothing really at ALL at my pubic bone, which is odd/nice! Maybe that is yet to come? But LOTS of back/hip pain this time. It hurts to walk, and crawling in particular is just dreadful (which I sometimes do if I'm down on the floor picking up toys strewn everywhere). Getting up off the floor is getting interesting, lol! I am beginning to feel "big" now, and I do love it! :) I sleep mostly on my left side all night long, because I am still co-sleeping with Samuel and breastfeeding him on demand if he wakes. So I always face him. I never EVER sleep with my back to him, so I never sleep on my right side. I sometimes find myself on my back, but it hurts my pelvis a lot to be on my back for any length of time, weirdly. So I try to stay on my left side. I have very little in the way of breastmilk, but I can still hand express a drop or so of what looks like a mixture of white milk and colostrum. It's thicker and stickier than normal milk, so I'm guessing that's what it is. Samuel and Benjamin are still nursing as normal, though Benjamin isn't 100% thrilled about the change in my milk. He's still going though! :)

Elijah has been very wiggly up to 28 weeks (and beyond of course, but I'm trying to only write about it as though I was updating JUST for 28 weeks), lots of hiccups and some sweet little graspy/lose-grip movements with his hands - I often wonder if he's playing with his feet or his umbilical cord when he does that. I can actually feel his fingers clutch at something against the wall of my tummy, and then there's a real strong ping/thud as the thing he grasped at slips out of his hands. Usually a foot, when it's a thud, but sometimes he has seemed to be grappling with something that doesn't go "ping/thud" like his feet, so I wonder about his cord :) Sweet little peep! I just can't WAIT to meet him! I love him sooooooo much already!!

I will update again soon, or at least try to! I really want to take another belly pic this week - well, the week is passing fast and I want a belly pic for 30 weeks, so I had better get onto that tomorrow!

25 weeks, 2 days

STILL haven't taken a belly pic! :( Okay wait, it's after midnight but I am fed up with keeping on forgetting! I am setting the camera timer and getting whatever I can for 25 weeks, and then I've DONE it!...

Wow, that only took a few MINUTES! I should do that every time. But it's not exactly a great photo, lol! Nicely framed, mama! ;)



So there is my 'Lijah baby belly for 25 weeks! :) My uterus is a fingerwidth above my tummy button, though I don't know what my actual bump measures. Usually a fingerwidth (cm) per week above the belly button (the 20 week mark) is normal, so I'm not sure why I am only measuring a fingerwidth above, but I think I look nice and pregnant for my stage, so I'm not too worried about it. Also I know I was "small" earlier in the pregnancy but he measured fine anyway, so that's good.

I'm loving the sweet baby inside! :) I talk to him when I have a quiet moment, or at night, whenever he kicks or wiggles about in there. He responds to me doing a gentle drum of my fingers in the same spot, by kicking there. He had hiccups for the first time a few nights ago! It was so clear and familiar to feel - I definitely haven't felt him have hiccups before then, although he may have had some at night while I was sleeping I suppose. When I woke up the next morning, the first thing I was aware of was MORE hiccups going on! :) How I love feeling baby kicks and hiccups!! It's so special! When I ask him how he's doing in there, I am finding that I mostly refer to him as "lil 'Lijah" - you know, like lil 'Liza Jane?! ;) It's just what comes out. And it makes me MUSH inside to say it, so I am guessing it's going to stick as a nickname, for me anyway. My little 'Lijah. *sigh* I love him so much already.

I am currently looking forward to his birth so much, but I know that I will start to feel slightly less thrilled about the prospect near the end of my pregnancy! It's an ordeal for sure, but I am SO eager to meet this sweet little manny, and I know that's the precious moment when I'll first lay eyes and hands on him! I can't wait for that part! :)

I am still queasy, but for the past 4-ish days I haven't noticed any queasiness! I felt sure that it was definitely going this time, because (unlike last time I thought it was gone), I keep finding myself chewing my fingernails, which I am absolutely unable to do from the start of morning sickness onwards, until it's WELL and truly cleared up. So now I am chewing my fingers up, yay! ;) Shame about that, but oh well! Today though, I feel sick again, and I'm struggling with the habit of chewing my fingers, but feeling really yucky when I do. So I guess it's not gone yet! :S Still manageable though, so I can't complain!

I am in quite a lot of pain in my pelvis now, especially at the back on my right side, and my hips in general. I'm not over-doing it at all really, but I have been doing a lot more housework lately. This is GOOD, as I have always been next to useless at getting housework done, lol! I have a new routine which is actually working (gasp! faint!), which means that between breakfast, which I finish by about 8ish, and school (9.30ish), I have the table cleared and wiped, the bench and booster seat wiped down, the floor swept, the laundry sorted into loads, the tumble dryer load folded, the washing machine load transferred to the tumble dryer, a new load started in the washing machine, the dishwasher loaded and started, the boys changed (nappies) and dressed for the day, and I've washed, dressed and brushed my hair. Sounds like TONS, and for me it totally IS! But the more I repeat and repeat the routine day after day, the quicker it's becoming to do those things, and it seems quite easy now compared with a couple of weeks ago. And I don't feel "right" any more about leaving the kitchen with food stuck to some part of it, so I go back in and quickly clean it. All of which means, the house is actually looking so much better! And feeling nicer to be in! And I have another "school" area - the kitchen table!

But I am hurting! I don't hurt while I work, but about 30-60 minutes later, my pelvis starts to hurt - just aching with a sharp central point in the right side of the back of my pelvis. If I sit still for a few minutes, getting up is awful, and putting weight on the right leg as I walk can be unbearable for a moment as I get going. Once it's hurting like that, it doesn't really clear up for an hour or so (or several hours today), and it's harder to pick little ones up or get down on the floor to change a nappy and then up again, that sort of thing. And when it does fade off and feel better, if I do any MORE housework (not even anything much), like sweep the kitchen floor again after lunch (can you believe I - ME! - am actually routinely sweeping the kitchen floor 2-3 times a day?!!!!), then it comes back with a vengeance. I am slightly unnerved about this at 25 weeks, when I am going to get more prone to pelvic pain as the weeks go by, but I don't think there's anything to be done about it. I would like to exercise (I STILL don't do any!) but once I have pelvic pain it seems like any and all exercise makes it worse and worse, even going for a walk. So I'm not sure what to do about that. Swimming is gentle but not on the cards for me - not practical really. I might ask my doula what she thinks...

I MUST phone and make my next midwife appointment! It's at 28 weeks, but I have to book it. I think I have blood taken at 28 weeks? And anti-D if I were consenting to that, but I'm not. Otherwise just a general check-up.

Samuel is stirring an awful lot at the moment, and I should really be in bed sleeping, so I think I will cut this entry short and go to bed. At least I got one in there! ;) And a belly pic at last. I will try to get it in the gallery as well, and update again soon. All is well though - thanks for the comments on my last post, after my long gap! :)

23 weeks, 6 days - still here!

Thanks Meegs for the comment asking if everything is okay! :S So badly behind on my blogs, and somewhat fed up that I've let this one go when I like to keep everything recorded during my pregnancies! Also I haven't been taking belly pics :( I will try to get one for 24 weeks, but who knows. I am just utterly foggy of brain lately, this pregnancy more than any other (though they seem incrementally worse each time!) and also starting out with a new academic year of homeschooling THIS WEEK. So I'm completely consumed with that for now, and will be for a while.

So this is just quick! :)

I had my 20 week scan and confirmed that Elijah is definitely a boy! :) Also my placenta has moved RIGHT out of the way, praise God!!! The sonographer was surprised they'd even considered it low a few weeks before, as it was almost fundal (up over the top!). This is exactly what happened with Nathan's placenta - they could not believe it had been low to start with (it was completely covering my cervix 4 weeks before this scan with Elijah!). So much prayer has gone into this (both pregnancies) and all I can say is, God is good to me! :) So so relieved because now I don't have to worry about bleeding and delivery options, etc.

I'm also VERY relieved to be 24 weeks pregnant tomorrow - I always like this "viability" milestone! It means that if Elijah was born, he would have a chance of survival outside my womb, whereas before tomorrow they would not even try to save him.

My womb is still on the small side for me, height-wise. It's a continous growth pattern, but always the same amount "behind". Maybe it will measure normally, but as far as fingerwidths to my tummy button, it's always about 3 weeks behind where it normally is for any given week. But at least it's consistent throughout the pregnancy, and thus IS growing, and Elijah has measured right on track every time I've had a scan. At the 20 (almost 21) week scan, he measured spot on for his legs (not an Arthur or Benjamin then, who have my short leggies!), a week under for his abdomen (don't know who has done that yet!) and a week ahead for his head circumference (Arthur and Benjamin after all then, lol!). It's so much fun to see new combinations of our genes every time - they are ALL different, no matter how many we have! I don't think we've yet had a combination of Arthur and Benjamin's little round heads and Matthew and Nathan's more proportionate legs!

I just. can't. WAIT. to meet him!!!! Seriously! I am so excited, and just want to squeal with glee every time I feel him move and lay my hand on my bump and remember he's COMING and I'll get to hold a new snuffly baby in my arms soooooon!!! I can not get over how blessed I am. I get to do it again, I get to do it again!! I keep saying this (in high-pitched child tones, lol!) to Neil and Heather, just randomly as it occurs to me! :) I think this feeling is stronger this time than the last, and that it is getting stronger each pregnancy, each time I have a baby. I feel more excited, and more blessed, and more wonderful about having a new baby every pregnancy. I didn't think that was possible since I already felt SO over the moon about the first and second, and so on, but it's WAY more now, which is such a precious feeling to have!

I wonder if he'll have dark hair like most of his brothers, or fairer hair like Matthew, or even be blonde like Samuel has managed to be! I feel like we're due a red-head though! :) Neil and I both have red hair in our families, and copper tones to our own hair (well, Neil's beard more than anything else). I would love a red-haired boy! :) But anything is exciting to me. Will he have blue eyes, and will they be soft blue like Samuel's, or dark blue like Nathan's? Will he have grey eyes with some hazel like mine and Benjamin's. Or greenish eyes like Matthew's? Or BROWN eyes like Arthur?! We have a proper mixed bag to choose from, as far as the gene pool goes, lol! SO MUCH FUN every time to find out! :)

He kicks and wiggles much more strongly now, and quite often. He is gentler than some of my other babies, not very vigorous, although he's kicking strongly. I love feeling him move about in there! I can now feel his kicks very clearly with my hands, and can also see my tummy blip when he kicks. Matthew is (so far) the only other person to feel Elijah kick, as he laid his hand on my tummy when he was active (he isn't often active for very long at a time, and prefers late at night or even the small hours of the morning to really thump about in there), and felt some little blips to his hand. He seemed awed, but not as excited as I'd expected! ;) I can't wait until the movements are bigger and more predictable, and all the boys can feel him kick as the opportunity arises.

I haven't had an appointment since the scan, although I've had a urology follow up for my kidney stone (that I had in July) this past week. I am having side pain quite a lot, but they scanned my kidney and there aren't any particular changes, still just this small pocket of accumulated fluid which isn't concerning them, so they are putting it down to pregnancy. I AM getting a lot more ligament pain on that side than usual this pregnancy, and now that my womb is bigger and the ligament pain is higher therefore, I REALLY know about it when I tweak that ligament getting up too suddenly at the same time as twisting, for example. And that's when I realise that the ligament pain is a sharp nasty version of the dull pain I have fairly constantly. So maybe my ligament on that side is just kind of tired and stretched and unhappy this time around? Or being pressured by this pregnancy in a different way? I don't know.

The other thing that's different this pregnancy is that I STILL have morning sickness! Never had anything like it before! My other pregnancies have had morning sickness up until varying stages, but the very latest (by a couple of weeks) was Samuel's at 20 weeks. It was gone by then and didn't return. This time it hung around until 18/19 weeks ish, and then seemed to clear up, but I noticed it again by 20 weeks, though I presumed it was just tired/queasy feeling - it was sooooo mild, barely noticable. It has gradually got worse though, and this week has been quite yucky. I did wonder if it was just tiredness exacerbating something I otherwise wouldn't notice (I'm really tired and sleep deprived just now), but it's definitely proper morning sickness. After I eat, I get the usual few minutes (up to 5, no more) and then my mouth starts to taste a bit yucky and metallic and I start to feel nauseous. Then it stays. Always after lunch and dinner, not always after breakfast, but sometimes it is. The nausea isn't dreadful, like earlier in pregnancy, but it's bothersome now, and the yucky queasiness is dragging me down a bit in the evenings. Bleurgh! Oh well. I'm just glad it's totally manageable, and that I'm only 4 weeks away from my THIRD trimester (gasp!), so the end of the pregnancy seems pretty close all of a sudden, if it ends up continuing to the very end.

I have a nice little baby bump now, which I am extremely proud and fond of! :) I am really enjoying my maternity clothes, and looking pregnant! My bump has had a growth spurt two weeks running now (with a brief breather in the middle), and in that time I have really started to FEEL pregnant. I'm hurting in my pelvis and getting shooting pains to one side of my pubic bone now and again. My hips basically hurt most of the time, but it's not bad yet. I have had some sharp pain when putting weight on my right leg, in the back of my pelvis somewhere, but not all the time. Things are definitely loosening and under more pressure these days! I am also having to shift my balance now, and getting up from the floor is juuust beginning to become more difficult than before. I can't bend tightly over my bump without it being in the way (and hurting from the pressure!), but I'm otherwise able to do all the usual non-pregnant things still.

I am getting spots more often these past couple of weeks, and have had some crazy emotional moments recently! I can go from nothing to majorly over-reacting and tearfulness in a matter of seconds, lol! Absolutely anything slightly sweet or sappy can make me cry, and I want to watch my Anne of Green Gables DVD that I got for Christmas, but NO WAY am I opening that can of worms, lol! I don't think I can deal with the emotional onslaught! It will have to wait until my postnatal hormones have calmed down! ;)

I have scan pics to post from both the 17 week and 20 week scans, which I must/will get around to posting! But I just wanted to get an entry posted for now, otherwise it just won't happen. And now I need to change a few nappies, put Samuel to bed for his nap, and start school for the morning. I NEVER update my blogs in the mornings, but they're playing nicely and I was just sitting down with my necessary cup of tea (didn't sleep until nearly 2am AGAIN - having trouble with insomnia on and off this pregnancy - and then Samuel was up for the day AGAIN at 5am!!!) and thought I might just type a short entry to keep up, while it was all going well in the other room! ;) Now I've managed a pretty solid entry, so that's good! And right on cue, the boys are beginning to bicker about a combine harvester, so I must go! Back asap though, and thanks for being patient! :)

20 weeks - halfway there! :)

I can't BELIEVE I am 20 weeks pregnant today! :)

I also didn't realise it had been quite so long since I updated last! Oops! I meant to come back with a belly picture for 18 weeks and the pictures from the scan of Elijah's measurements, BUT I still haven't scanned the pics onto the computer, and I never did get around to an 18 week belly pic :( MUST take one for 20 weeks. I usually do one dressed in the same clothes each time I'm pregnant at 20 weeks, but I didn't get one done for Samuel :(

Anyway, it's day time so the boys are about, therefore I really shouldn't spend long on a blog post (they're busily occupied at the moment, but that's not the point!). I just realised how long it has been and wanted to get started so at least I'd have done SOMETHING by the time I get a chance to finish it off in the evening sometime.

My bump is really (reeeeally) growing now! The top of my uterus is still small, to me. It's still 2 or 3 fingerwidths below my tummy button, and at 20 weeks it should be right at my tummy button. A fingerwidth is roughly a week. So at 21 weeks it should ideally be a fingerwidth (a centimetre) above my tummy button, and so on. But it is really filling out forwards and sideways. Sometimes I can feel that Elijah is lying across me - his head as a little hard round ball in my side. And then a few minutes later the little hard round ball will be up at the top, right under my tummy button! :) Having no placenta over the top of my uterus (which it usually is, for me), I can feel soooo much more, baby-shape wise, at the top.

I am wearing maternity clothes all the time now - I think I started that at 18 weeks, though I didn't show much in them yet, at least they just about fit me. They were kind of loose at the waist though, and now they're not. Elijah kicks and moves and wiggles a LOT, and his kicks are a lot stronger just these last few days. I LOVE feeling them! :) I can feel them easily with my hand, even his smaller wiggles, as it's really clear through my tummy now. I can just about see my tummy move if he does a big movement or clear kick to the front - it blips a bit :) LOVE this stage!!

I haven't been feeling too well lately. It took ages to get over that coldy/cough virus that we had before Christmas, and we're still coughing just a little bit now. I gave it to my sweet doula! :( I feel sooooooo bad. She must have caught it from me the day she went to the scan with me. Thankfully she didn't give it to any of her family, and was well in time for Christmas, but still I feel awful because she was so lovely to be with me, and it was SUCH a horrid bug!

Anyway over New Year's weekend I felt really unwell. I had no energy whatsoever and my arms felt heavy like lead, I couldn't even hold a book or they ached and ached, and my hands shook with the effort. I felt just wiped out physically, but not particularly the type of tired that comes from being sleep deprived. Just physical. I didn't have much of an appetite at all, and as the day when on I got exhausted enough even lying down to start to feel nauseated. Yuck. It reminded me so much of M.E. and I really hate reminders of that horrible time! The weird thing was that it could not have been anything viral at all. We had had literally no exposure to people or places since Christmas Day, and my family were all healthy. I had a bit of a tummy ache to one side, but that was it really. I was somewhat encouraged later in the day on the Sunday when I read an entry in my pregnancy blog from Samuel's pregnancy at 19 weeks and 3 days, where I said that I had been feeling utterly physically wiped out for the past few days, although I didn't feel unwell with it at all. I put it down to a growth spurt on Samuel's part at the time, because I'd read that the baby more than doubles its weight and addes 3cm to its length between 17 and 20 weeks. I was 19 weeks and 4 days pregnant on Sunday when I read that, so it was very reassuring at the time!

The only thing that really bothered me that I couldn't explain was the tummy ache. It was "boring" and continually bothersome, and it felt to me like it was in my kidney area (the same one which had trouble with a kidney stone in July), but if I lay down and actually palpated my kidney then there was no tenderness. Weird. I wondered if it was IBS, because I get that a LOT and it can cause my whole bowel to feel "punched" and bloated, so maybe it's that? I didn't like how it was so one-sided though. As the days went by it became more bothersome and more defined, although I do have some of the same discomfort on the other side as well, and another patch of it lower down on the other side. It's weird. IBS? I don't know. Maybe (hopefully!) just my womb growing and putting pressure on stuff that gets annoyed easily and is trying to adjust? I would have thought it would be familiar from other pregnancies though, if that's the case?

Well on Bank Holiday Monday, Neil took the boys out for the day to his brother's, and they all went out for a walk and stayed for tea, and came home at bedtime. They were gone about 6 hours and it was REALLY weird after 4 hours without them. I really did not like it! It was so quiet, nice at first. And then after about the 4 hour mark, the house was too quiet, and it wasn't nice. Just appliances humming, and I couldn't help but think of life before the boys were born, and how BLAND it is without children. I had no idea, even since they've arrived, because I guess I haven't stopped to compare. I'm so thankful that they're here, making our house noisy and causing me strife, lol! I would not ever rather be without them, or EVER look forward to the days when we "get our lives back" (what sort of selfish phrase is that to say anyway?! I have my life in all its fullness, right here and now!) This is life, and life to the full. How bland and lonely it would be without children in the house! I was so glad to have them home again!

I expected to feel unwell and need to lie down most of the day, because that's how the previous day had been. I was not happy about it, because a combination of New Year and nesting kicking in means that I am DESPERATE to organise, clean, declutter, etc! So maddening when I can't do a thing, even hold a book!!!

I rested for a bit and then started to feel a bit better. I was drinking TONS of water, because I started to worry that the one-sided discomfort might mean a UTI of some sort, and I wanted to flush it out. I have urinalysis test sticks at home, and I had a little protein and some leukocytes in my urine - although that can be normal for me. So just in case, I drank a LOT of water. I did a few sitting-down organising activities and then felt well enough to get up and do some gentle sorting and organising, yay! I felt better that evening than I'd felt for days, so I was encouraged, but at the same time the pain in my side/tummy/back was getting gradually worse. I did notice similar pain on the other side again, but only if I pressed gently. The one-sided pain is there all the time now, no matter what I'm doing. It makes me anxious :(

Tuesday morning Neil went back to work and thankfully my energy was completely back to normal and I felt fine in myself, hooray! Just the pain remained, which was nagging and uncomfortable. I tested my urine through the day and it seemed okay actually - less protein, just a trace or maybe one + of leukocytes at most. So I felt better about it (and in all honestly, probably drank less fluids therefore!).

Today is Wednesday and the pain is STILL bothersome. I don't know what to make of it, but one thing that really disturbs me is the fact that it's right in my side and sometimes feels awfully similar to the pain I was having before the terrible pain of the kidney stone I had in the summer :S I'm so anxious about it today, having realised it could be a possibility. It's so excruciatingly painful (worse than labour, or probably on a level with the worst transition contractions, for me) and utterly unmanageable. I would HAVE to have pain-relief, and anti-nausea medication, and I am not sure I can have anything other than paracetamol because I am pregnant.

I am praying and praying that it's NOT a kidney stone. The one thing that encourages me is that even with a test stick I haven't got a trace of blood in my urine - I know that doesn't rule it out, but it's very common to have blood in the urine, even if it's just a trace amount. Last time I had a lot. At one point I had FRANK blood (just blood, no discernable urine). That was SCARY. Anyway. I also can't have an X-ray at any point to diagnose a kidney stone, even if my symptoms become severe (which I think is the only way to really diagnose a kidney stone?), because I am pregnant.

I phoned Heather and she said I should go to see the doctor. I didn't want to bother with that because it's such a huge faff and honestly there's hardly any point. They can't know one way or the other if it's a kidney stone (even when it WAS one last time, I had several doctors appointments in the run-up to the acute pain over a couple of weeks and they could only guess based on symptoms). And last time when it DID look like it could be a kidney stone, they basically just said to wait it out and hopefully it would pass. They said if the pain gets too bad I would have to go to A&E. Which is what happened. So I can't imagine they'll have anything particularly useful to say, and I don't want to waste a morning or worry about the boys (no way am I taking them with me, with the viruses we've suffered from, courtesy of the doctor's waiting room this past year!). But Heather says I should go, because the difference this time is that I'm pregnant and they may have something different to say or do. Also she is happy to watch the boys at home for me while I go to an appointment tomorrow morning, so I will phone as soon as the lines open in the morning and hopefully get an appointment with the one REALLY good doctor there. Heather also said to take some paracetamol to try and minimise the pain/discomfort so that I'm not dwelling on it and getting anxious so much, and drink plenty still. If it's a kidney stone, drinking plenty to flush it is a good idea anyway. Oh how desperately I'm hoping it's NOT one! It's a horrible prospect, to me, but worse than last time because the pain may not be able to be fixed with drugs. I can't fathom managing that, and being away from my boys again - and what if it somehow affects the pregnancy, in that being in tons of pain for a prolonged time can't be good for the baby, never mind me. And I know the uterus can get irritable and contract-y if there are nearby systems in turmoil. And I have full placenta previa! :S So much to worry about. But now that I've written it all down, I am going to TRY not to. It's not my natural way! But I'll try.

I had better post this for now, and hopefully get chance very soon to post the scan pictures from 17 weeks and get a belly pic for 20 weeks for the gallery. Next week (already!!!) is my big scan, though we already know that he's an Elijah! :) But it'll be exciting to see him and check him out thoroughly all the same, and get a better idea on what's what with my placenta.

Oh, I THINK I am finished with morning sickness, although I have had some very familiar nausea and queasiness this past 5-ish days, with the other symptoms. Sometimes it really felt soooo like morning sickness, so I wondered if it was just re-surfacing a bit. It was gone before 18 weeks, I think - I would say it cleared up officially at 17 weeks this pregnancy, but at 19 weeks I was queasy/nauseous again every day to some degree. It could be whatever is going on with my body though. Today I feel fine so far, nausea-wise, so I'm not going to say it's morning sickness unless the other symptoms go and queasiness is still there. I'm eating fine and my appetite is now good again, so that's good! :)

Back soon!

17 weeks - it's a....!! And quick scan update!

Oh I'm so sorry not to update all these days since my scan! I forgot that some readers are not Facebook friends so will not have known what went on! We have been poorly with Neil's lurgy since then. I have basically been in bed with it for the most part, and was really not well on the day of the scan. Neil finally went back to work for a half day as he's still so exhausted from the virus, and I'm still not there yet. All the boys have it - Arthur started the same day as me (Monday), and all the others started Monday night, except Benjamin who was more like Tuesday night. Anyway, they're all okay, just coughing and snotty and tired out. Ugh! At least it seems to be moving quickly enough, so hopefully we'll be 100% fine before Christmas.

I can't stay to update properly, but I just wanted to say that everything is FINE with my little one. All the measurements were spot on 16w5d for head and leg measurements, and 17w0d for abdomen (I was 16 weeks and 6 days at the scan, so pretty much perfect measurements) - SUCH a huge relief! The sonographer could not tell why I was measuring small but she just said maybe I'm hiding it well?! ;) The baby had a healthy amount of amniotic fluid in there, etc, so all looked fine.

We did find out that the baby is a BOY!!! :D I had zero bad feelings, and just felt so happy and excited. I have much more to write about the details of the scan and I have a few photos of measurements (not particularly exciting ones of his face or anything) that I want to include here, but I haven't been well enough to sort out scanning and uploading and so on, yet. So I will come back and do a proper catch up another time.

So our baby boy is Elijah Douglas! The boys are really thrilled to be getting another brother, and seemed quite relieved, lol! We are not telling them his name for a while because we like to keep the name a secret until the birth announcement, and I think they'll tell friends of ours in the meantime, when we see them. I am beyond excited to be using this lovely name, and delighted to honour Grandoug at last! :) I can't believe I have SIX sons, and my Elijah after alllll these years loving the name! :)

He is kicking a lot more now, and I'm feeling the kicks and movements more clearly.

The one thing is that I have currently got complete placenta previa, where the placenta completely covers the cervix (and thus the baby's way out). I'm only 17 weeks though, so it has plenty of time to move up out of the way. I am hoping and praying that it will even have done so by 21 weeks (my next scan) because otherwise they'll book me a scan at 32 weeks to check on it, and that's a LONG wait to worry about it (and the risk of heavy bleeding) and have the various restrictions imposed, etc. It may well resolve long before 32 weeks so I don't want to have to wait that long to find out it has, if you see what I mean?! Anyway, for now I am being careful. And hoping it's moving up!

Will update again soon!

I love my doula!

Deja-vu, anyone?! ;)

Thank you so very much for the sweet messages after my last post. They were so uplifting, and Shannon, I just read yours a minute ago and it was basically what I have needed to hear all day long, which God has put on my heart earlier this evening, so it was a blessing to have that confirmation in your message! Thank you all for taking the time to encourage and love me!

Today has been superbly sucky. I just. can't. shift. this weight about the baby. It's pulling at me like an achy weight that I'm dragging along. I have had ample opportunity for distraction today, so it has been nagging at me subconsciously instead of being right in my face.

Neil is so poorly right now. His heavy cold thing has really messed with his asthma and he is using his inhaler like never before and struggling to be out of bed at all. I do not exaggerate when I say I have probably been the worst at wifeyness that I have ever been before. I have not coped with the slightest thing, and I do mean SLIGHTEST. I have never known hormones like this before in my other pregnancies, unless they're not really hormones so much as anxiety about the baby plus some sort of hormone surge maybe.... Anyway, I have been angry and shouty and blamey and plain MEAN and nasty, and have not just saved it for my poor sick husband, but my children as well (bonus points for the Sucko-Woman 2011 contest). They have been so bloomin' difficult today, just rude and shouty to us (wonder where they picked that up from??), out to cause as much noisy trouble as possible, and picking fights with each other. Samuel didn't get his afternoon nap and cried and screeched a lot late afternoon, and Benjamin doesn't usually nap but acted like he was missing one anyway. I hope nobody is coming down with Neil's lurgy...

Anyway. Ugh. All day I have been having to physically squash down that "ugly" sort of crying that got to my throat and eyeballs often enough to make me just ache there for the afternoon. I am not good at losing it in front of my kids. I am not good at losing it at all. I'm more of a squasher. It hurts, but not as much as letting the lid off the thing and exploding everywhere.

I just feel so tired somewhere in a weird place, and just burnt out emotionally and physically. For some reason I have been shaky a lot today, and breathless easily. Every time I was moody I KNEW I was doing the wrong thing, but if I could squash it, it just came back like 5 seconds later. I am not really one to lose my temper, but you know that sort of "seeing red" feeling that you get (rarely for me) when you REALLY lose it, and then you feel all out of control with what you say? My trigger button seemed to be broken today, and I was flicking onto "seeing red" all OVER the place, even from nowhere, or over nothing at all. I've never known anything quite like it (thankfully!)!

I just made sooooo many screw-ups today. I know that tomorrow is a new day, and God is gracious, and I can do all things in His strength. He also extends grace to my husband and children when I mess up. But today just went so horribly, and I could not see clearly about it at all. After I put the boys to bed, Neil started a migraine - he is bed bound for 24 hours once those start, plus he is really poorly otherwise too. I needed so very badly to just get some time to myself so that I could sort all my feelings out with God and ask Him to equip me for tomorrow (and forgive me for today). I needed head space. They went to bed a bit late, but once they were down, I drove to a late night chemist (it's Sunday so no local ones are open) to get Neil's prescription. It was a long wait, and the weather was rotten, but it was helpful to get some quiet around me. When I got home, Neil felt too sick to take the medication, and since the two bedrooms have little ones in, he was downstairs in the living room with a bowl in case he threw up. Being scared silly of vomiting in any context, that left me the kitchen (right off the living room, and covered with food and dirty dishes at the mo) to decompress in, silently, since I couldn't disturb Neil. Or go to bed.

I am sure it's hormones but I felt so weird and unhappy. I got Neil a drink and sat in the dark living room crying without any noise while he dozed for a bit. After a while he decided to go up to bed, and once he did and I closed the door behind him, I completely lost it. The amount of crying and not being able to stop after a while made me scared, and I didn't know what to do so I ended up picking the phone up and calling Heather at 9.45pm. I think I just wanted to tell her that I was feeling hormonal and overwhelmed, and to know that she would be praying for me would make me feel better. That and to hear someone's voice, listening to me.

Such a surreal thing, emotions are. To me, anyway. I am not used to them, or how I feel and sound when I give in to them. I told Heather briefly about the day, and that I was feeling just burnt-out and she listened so sympathetically, which was balm to my soul. She suggested coming round tomorrow to help in some way with the boys, and I said that there's illness here and I didn't want her to get it. She said that she wouldn't be kissing Neil, and my laugh turned into a whole bunch of sobbing, and I told her that I just felt so miserable and I didn't know what was going wrong with my head. She said, "I'm coming. I won't be long. Hang on." and was on my doorstep 5 minutes later.

She spent two hours listening, saying soothing things, making sure I was hydrated (lol, a true doula in any situation!), just letting me cry and talk. After a little bit she asked to pray for me, and OH how I needed that! We must have prayed together for an hour or more. So much that God is doing in me. There's some hurt and stuff inside - waaaay deep where I must have hidden it a long time ago - that I am too scared to hand over to God. We prayed into that for a good while but I just can't bring myself to release that yet. I know I need to, and it's doing me no good hanging on. And I'm believing a lie that it will be more painful to release it than to keep it stuffed. But still I hang on, for now. So much peace though, from the prayer time. Every time I said, "But God, THIS!" instantly a Bible verse contradicting it came to mind. Eventually I said, "But God, I'm worried about my baby!" and instantly the baby kicked my hand, which was lying over my tiny bump, for the first time. It was no longer than one second after I said the word baby, seriously. I love God! :) I haven't felt any really good little kicks yet, and none have ever been strong enough to reach my hand through my "layers". Immediately I felt such peace, and even felt like laughing for joy! :) After that I felt less achy inside and unhappy, and we spent some time praying LIFE over this baby I'm carrying. Which was really special to me.

Eventually Samuel woke for a feed, and after I came back down, Heather suggested that she (and maybe her daughter if she wants to) come round tomorrow morning to help me take the boys to the park. One of the main things upsetting me about the boys is that it seems like they are not getting out of the house much right now, what with one thing and another, and I feel so bad about it. It's such hard work taking them all out, physically, and can be rather difficult emotionally when they have a mind to be mischievous and I am kind of fragile in that department. So I was just amazed at Heather suggesting that she come and help! Bless her heart, she is so wonderful! She is also helping me the day after by going to the scan with me. I can't get over how much God is blessing us right now through Heather and her family. I'm honestly in AWE of it. And I just love her so much. She's a wonderful friend, and I praise God for bringing her into my life!

She had me tell her about my favourite place in the world, and also how I met God - both things which make me feel happy and glowy inside. And then she went home, and I realised I had not finished my Tesco order in time and it can't be cancelled now, so tomorrow they'll be delivering a pack of bendy straws instead of a whole big bunch of groceries, for a delivery price of £4.50!!! Oh well! You've got to laugh, I suppose! ;)

Samuel has been wakeful since then, and now I've come down it's really late, but I feel like I want to "download" all this stuff to help me feel lighter about it. And I do, so I'm glad, even though I'll be tired from it tomorrow. I am so encouraged by my little baby's kick this evening! :) And I am going to bed now. I'll update very soon, as the scan is only 2 days away. Hopefully everything will be okay.

16 weeks, 3 days - new belly pic

Back again. I guess I need to write here more at the moment.

I just put my belly pic in Sausage's belly gallery. The link is to the whole list of allll my babies' belly galleries (except Arthur's which is at the old pregnancy diary - must transfer a ton of posts over here sometime!), and Sausage's stuff is at the top. I'm really kind of concerned now, seeing the picture - it does show what I've been feeling, that I'm really not showing much for 16 weeks. I think I actually look smaller than I did at 11 weeks, but Neil pointed out that could be due to bloating at 11 weeks. But, that's typical for me in ALL my pregnancies and there's always a definite progression of growth from the 10/11 week belly pic, through the 14 week one, to the 16 week one. Each one is always bigger than the previous one. All my 16 week belly pics from my other pregnancies are bigger than I currently am - especially Benjamin's! I missed a photo that week with Samuel... And Nathan's 16 week picture is probably the smallest of the bunch, but still there is growth through from 10 weeks that I am not showing this time.

I am probably (maybe) blowing everything out of proportion, but I am just SO. WORRIED. :( I am trying not to dwell on it, but failing miserably. It really isn't helping that I am having the weirdest hormones these past two weeks - more so the past week maybe. I just feel adolescent and weird and unhappy. Very HORMONAL though, not unhappy in another sense. It's hard to shake off, and I am very sensitive to everything, and much more so since Thursday.

I feel like I have had bad news about the baby, that's sort of how I seem to have internalised it, even though that's stupid because I HAVEN'T, and I'm jumping the gun.... But I do. I feel anxious and unhappy, and completely unmotivated to do anything at all. I am wearing some nice cosy PJs in the belly pic, which I put on to go to bed on Thursday evening and am still wearing. I just feel in such a slump, and the big boys are being so horrid and difficult, and I'm being all weird and feeling like they're picking on me instead of being a grown-up and dealing with it. They make me want to run upstairs and cry, and I just have zero motivation to do anything with the boys at all these last couple of days. I feel such a horrible mother :( I know I'm not REALLY, but that kind of head knowledge isn't really sinking in at the moment. Right at this moment I am not particularly being a GOOD mother, which is sad. The boys are watching DVDs and playing happily for the most part. And otherwise giving me a lot of trouble (attitudes and disobeying and acting deaf and the usual kid stuff) - I am just dealing with it soooo badly, emotionally.

Ugh.

Anyway. I have had some advice here and there from people who have BTDT, and some have been wrong about their dates (I know I'm not), and others have ended up with 2nd trimester miscarriages. Yep. Often the first sign of a chromosomal abnormality that hasn't already ended in an early miscarriage, is restricted growth in the 2nd trimester or beyond. Those are the types of abnormalities that aren't compatible with life. OR maybe everything is fine and I have a little baby in there? Or some other reason that I can't actually find at the moment? One lady is currently pregnant (33 weeks I think) and her baby has been diagnosed with Intra Uterine Growth Restriction since 18 weeks, and they've found no reason so far. They are continuing to monitor the baby until birth, so I don't know the outcome on that one. Another lady's uterus was retro-flexed at this kind of stage and as it got bigger it caught up FAST in the "showing" department!

I don't know about those things for me, because it's my 6th pregnancy and I find it hard to believe my uterus could go flexing differently than it ever has before after all this time, to the point where I look less pregnant than I should (when I NEVER do at any stage of any of my pregnancies). Some folks are saying (sweetly, to reassure!), maybe it's a girl this time?! And maybe it is! But I should still measure 16 weeks when I'm 16 weeks, surely? I just can't think of a good explanation. None of them seem to hold water for me.

Soooo Neil and I have had some discussions. He feels sure the baby is fine, well, he did until he saw my belly gallery with the new picture up, and now he is praying with me that all is well. He saw Benjamin's 16 week picture and said, "THAT'S 16 weeks?!.... Oh."

We have decided that Heather will accompany me to the scan on Tuesday, and he will be off work that day (he has finished some work ahead of time, and they are really good about him taking off for appointments and such) and stay home with all 5 boys. I actually really WANT Heather with me, although I would ideally have both of them if I could. I feel scared. I hope I am wrong, and everything turns out to be fine and dandy (and it COULD!). But I am scared until I know.

If something is wrong with the baby, I know what I would choose, when they start discussing options with me, and Neil says it's my body and I'm the one carrying the baby, and he would want me to make the decisions at the time if I am happy to. I told him they might offer me an amniocentesis to diagnose a chromosomal problem if it's a possibility, and that I would decline. I don't want the small risk of miscarriage. I don't want anything invasive, even if it would give us answers. It would be helpful to KNOW but it wouldn't change anything other than that. If our baby has a problem that means it may die at any point during the pregnancy, be stillborn, or die shortly after birth, I would not, and will never terminate a pregnancy. I just can't play God. As unbearable as it must be to carry it out, I would choose to continue the pregnancy until God decided to take the baby home. If I was blessed with a few minutes or hours with my baby in my arms before that point, I would be forever grateful and so very glad not to have chosen an alternative earlier on. I don't know how anyone bears that though...

So Neil is happy with those choices - they would be his too. I think that's all I need to have covered with him before going to the scan. He doesn't like the name Rachel, but if it's a girl and she will not live, I NEED to call her Rachel. I haven't asked him yet because I will cry if I do, and I can't be on with that right now. But if it does all come to that, I hope he will be happy to let me.

Now that we're all prepared, I should put it out of my head and just wait for Tuesday, where hopefully all will be well! :) It's harder than I thought, though.

I phoned Heather today to tell her I would like her to come with me to the scan instead of babysitting some of the boys, and she is happy to do whatever we want her to. She asked how I was doing, and I said I was having trouble putting one foot in front of the other mentally and emotionally, but physically I am fine. I think it is mainly hormones - bad timing for those at this particular time, hey?! :) I told her the same as I wrote here, that it just feels like I have received bad news about the baby, when I haven't yet, and it's hard to see straight about Tuesday. She reminded me to focus on the Lord, and that is the best advice really.

I was calling her upstairs because we are saying nothing to the boys, obviously, except that I am having a scan on Tuesday (they knew I wasn't due one until January) just to check the baby and see how big he or she is. They know Heather is going with me and that Daddy is home with them that day, and that I might get to see whether the baby is a boy or a girl. Maybe! As soon as I put the phone down, I sat in the quiet and wondered what to say to God. I told him that I hope my baby is okay. And that I was scared to ask Him to make the baby be okay if he/she wasn't going to be. But that I trusted Him. Then I remembered something from a song we sing at church called "Blessed be the name of the Lord":

He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, "Lord, blessed be Your name!" Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name!

So I found myself praising Him for GIVING, for giving me this child. And accepting if He takes this child away. And crying and crying my heart out. And telling Him that I will praise His name all the same because He is just WORTHY of it, no matter what happens, or what He in his perfect wisdom decides is part of our journey. I am pretty sure that if He "takes away" this time, it is not going to be easy at ALL to CHOOSE to bless His name all the time, but I sure as heck am going to put my best foot forward. I love Him. I trust Him. I cling to Him because apart from Him there is no other, and (oh this is from another wonderful song!) why would I turn my back on the only shelter I have from the storm? And anyway, He is always worthy of my praise.

So now I think I should be "done" with the what-ifs and the emotional rollercoaster, and hopefully will just rest more peacefully about it until Tuesday. I hope, I hope, I hope. I don't like uncertainty! I hope my hormones will come about and I will feel lighter and cope generally better than I have been for a while. That will help TONS.

I am sure I will post again soon. Neil has a heavy cold this weekend which I guess he picked up at work. I'm desperately hoping the boys and I don't get it. I could do without the addition of a cold that hits me like a truck (as they tend to when I'm pregnant), and I think alllll our kiddies would not be clear of coldiness by Christmas which might mean we have to miss spending Christmas Day with my family (due to grandparents of somewhat frail health in their mid-80s!), and I would feel so so so distraught about that if it happened! I hope everything turns out okay this week...