I just can't believe I am THIS close to the end of my pregnancy! Only four DAYS to go until my due date is finally here! Amazing. Thanks so much again for the various reminders to update - I am always meaning or wanting to, but it gives that added impetus when people comment and ask! :)
I feel so behind! And really really do not want to stay up writing a blog entry tonight, even with how much I want to make a record of my pregnancy while I'm still pregnant! I'm so tired, and barely (or even NOT really) keeping up with just basics through the day with the boys at the moment, with Neil out at work 11-12 hours on the weekdays. This is the 3rd week running where I've done okay on Monday (done a bit of housework and laundry, a LOT of read-alouds and the odd activity with the boys, and meals/nappies, etc on time), slightly less so on Tuesday (no housework, less laundry, and just lots of boy-related stuff), and then Wednesday-Friday I have literally dozed in and out on the living room floor for at least 2 hours during the mornings - I just can NOT keep my eyes open. If I try, they roll around in my head sometimes even when I'm trying to keep them focused! I just can't put into words how TIRED I am, and physically DONE by the end of Tuesday. I feel like I need a weekend every week by Wednesday, since 37 weeks! Of course there's nothing to be done about that, and I can never take naps no matter how tired I get because I have 3 small children who don't take naps or have a quiet time, so it's impossible. This Wednesday though, I felt SO bad because I took Benjamin upstairs for his nap at the usual time (about 10am) and FELL ASLEEP breastfeeding him!!!! I woke up at 11am with Arthur coming in to tell me there was a postman knocking at the door! I couldn't believe it, and I felt so bad because honestly those little boys downstairs are only 6, 4 and 2 and NEED watching! I can be upstairs for 20 minutes settling Benjamin if I need to, but CONSCIOUS is the important thing, so I can hear if anything is up downstairs! :S Also I woke Benjamin getting up and he therefore had a much shorter nap than usual and was tired, so it was just not good all round! *sigh*
So I really want to be going to bed about now. I'm still crunching mint imperials though so I guess I'm good for a while! ;) LOVE mint imperials again this pregnancy - I have crunched through bags and bags of them these last 6 weeks or so. My main cravings over the last few weeks have been chemical in nature (again). LOVING the usual end-of-pregnancy toothpaste thing. Brushing my teeth is sooooooooooooo wonderful, just like it was at the end of Nathan and Benjamin's pregnancies. Mmmm! ;) And that new book smell - always lovely, but now quite mouth-watering! I love musky or even sour "clean" smells, like pine floor cleaner (wonderous!) but my main fix is Radox original herbal bubble bath. I know with at least one of the other boys I wanted to drink the bath water when I ran the boys' baths with Johnson's baby bath. This time it's Radox. Oh my goodness! I uncap the bottle and draw in deeeeep sniffs of it many times a day as I pass the bathroom, or when I'm in there - I feel like a secret addict, hehe! My mouth waters when I think of the stuff and I genuinely would LOVE to drink it diluted. I know that's probably down to some mineral or vitamin deficiency (my iron is really good as of 34 weeks, as it always is when I'm pregnant) but I have no idea what, so I guess I just plod on until the baby is born! I haven't been taking my prenatal vitamin/mineral supplement for a while though, so I started that a few days ago again. I wonder if today I do not feel QUITE so drawn to the Radox as usual, but I'm not sure.
I am sleeping better since Benjamin moved into the boys' bedroom a couple of weeks ago. I do need the fan on low for background noise to help my night go better, because otherwise even with my door shut I still wake up to all his little peeps and stirrings, even down the hall! I'm so tuned into him and also sleeping pretty lightly now. I need to get up to go to the toilet at least twice a night anyway, but since I put a bit of white noise on, I am getting better sleep. Crazy how tired I still am though! Neil is getting WORSE sleep than he's been used to for a while, as I've done the first 16 months of Benjamin's life on my own, while he has covered any of the older boys' wakings (unless they're ill, having a nightmare, or asking for me - then obviously I go in). Benjamin still wakes LOADS at night on average, so Neil is pretty disturbed in there. Thankfully the other boys aren't disturbed by him much. He wakes for the day between 5 and 5.30am at the moment too, which is horrendous! Neil brings him in to me around 5.30 when he can't keep him quiet in his cot any longer in case he wakes the boys, and I breastfeed him and then Neil takes him downstairs while he gets ready for work. I go back to sleep until 7am when Neil needs me to get up so he can finish getting ready and go to work. I'm SO BLESSED that he's so willing and helpful! I don't know how I'd manage otherwise, with all of Benjamin's wakefulness. He has been waking or stirring at least hourly all night for a week or so, which is about the worst it gets. Good nights are one or two wakings, and once since he moved into that bedroom he actually slept through the night (I think that was a first?), so it's just really variable. He did cut a second molar yesterday but who knows whether that was responsible for ALL the trouble.
Anyway! So I am thankful that he's in with the boys and I am relieved of the responsibility of resettling him a million times a night when I'm this pregnant and exhausted! I know it will get a lot more intense for me at night after Samuel arrives than it has been for a very long time, so I am glad of the sleep I can get now. I know a newborn's wakings will keep me up for an hour or so at a time each time he wakes, because of all the nappy changes, blow-out poos before and after the feeds (fun times, lol!) and the long feeds. CAN'T WAIT (not even being sarcastic!) but I know it will be tiring. Oops, there's Benjamin now (11.34pm)...
The main thing about my pregnancy which I pretty much can't see beyond to think about other aspects very much, is the Pelvic Girdle Pain which I added a PS about last entry. It's AWFUL. I have had bad pubic bone pain before, so much that it seemed unbearable at times, when I was pregnant with Arthur, but this is something else. I'm annoyed that I haven't managed to write about it when it's been such a huge issue for me for quite a long time now - not even documented here yet! :( It has been hanging around since quite early on - at least halfway through my pregnancy - but it was mild and on-and-off back then. I just put it down to the aches and pains of pregnancy on a pelvis that had been through it all 5 times in almost as few years! But it has become a lot worse since the 3rd trimester started, and worse again since 30 weeks, and CRAZY worse since about 36 weeks. At 37 weeks Heather said I should self-refer to a physiotherapist but it just seemed like there was so little time left before having Samuel that I might as well just put up with it. Within a week of that, though, it was getting SO much worse, and the thing was how FAST it was worsening. Each day seemed more unbearable than the previous one. Heather told me I needed to rest my pelvis as much as possible - not lift, push or pull anything if at all possible, and never stand when I can sit, and never sit when I can lie down. Ironically, lying down is one of the most painful things, but hey ho!
The pain is on my left side, from the small of my back, circling round my hip, through my buttock on that side, and out through my groin on the inside of my left leg. The pain refers down the inside of my left leg, and lately down the outside of my left calf for some reason too. The midwives have not been that sensitive about it, and just sort of said, "Oh poor you. At least there's not long to go now, hey?!" or just waved it off as "a bit of sciatica" and other unhelpful things! I did my research online and PGP is NOT to be messed with. The most common mis-diagnosis is sciatica. My symptoms are spot on for PGP. There is quite literally NO position that I can possibly arrange myself in that ever relieves the pain, day or night. I am getting used to it to some degree, but getting out of bed in the morning is terrible. I nearly said agony but I don't want to be overly dramatic so I decided not to! But it feels awful. My pubic bone is actually pretty much pain free, even if I prod it to check, which is about the best it's been over the 5 pregnancies at this stage! But I've never had pelvic pain in this other way before.
It's to do with too much Relaxin in my system, and thus my pelvic bones are too loose in the ligaments (which are softening up under the influence of Relaxin in preparation for labour and birth). The excessive looseness has caused inflammation and pain. That's about it really. When I get upright enough to sit on the edge of the bed, I can then stand okay, but I want to cry when I try to lift a leg to take a step. It gets a little better as I get going, but the first 4 or 5 steps hurt so much that I struggle not to cry as I walk them. I shuffle around like an old lady and usually walk with a limp - the shallower the lift of each leg as I walk, the less painful. This has kept me indoors for many weeks now, and I really can't do too much. I feel bad for the boys because since Neil started his new job, they can't go outside AT ALL from Monday to Friday, and that is seriously unhealthy for 4 energetic little boys. I am SO not meeting their needs and I feel terrible about it. Neil's hours out of the house are so long that he can't nip out with them before he goes to work or after he gets home - he leaves as they get up for the day, and arrives home at/after their bedtime, when I already have them in pyjamas with teeth brushed, waiting for Daddy to get home so they can go to bed. When it snowed last week I managed to get them out onto the driveway, and the next day they ran about in the street because the snow was deep enough so that cars weren't driving about, and we live in a quiet cul-de-sac anyway so it was okay that day. We have no use of a garden at all, so they just can't get out if I can't take them out, and it sucks! :( They are doing very well considering. They get long walks both weekend days with Neil. I WISH I could take them out, even just to supervise them from a bench somewhere, but I can't even get them in the car, or push the pushchair.
I have pretty much given up housework this week because the pain is so much worse at the end of the day when I have done something as small as bent over to sweep the kitchen floor, or sort the washing into piles! Crazy! The boys are being helpful - Arthur and Matthew can run the laundry for me pretty well if I ask them to, and have done so a few times. Arthur also loves using the dustpan and brush in the kitchen so he has done that a few times too. Neil is basically having to do stuff when he's home from work, and I'm not feeling happy about that either, but otherwise everything grinds to a halt and we have nothing to eat off nor anywhere clear to sit and eat! I just have to stay off my feet as much as possible and lift nothing. When I take Benjamin to bed, I let him climb the stairs ahead of me, while I follow right behind on hands and knees. When I get him up from his nap I need to lift him out of his cot, but I come downstairs with him on my lap while I go down on my bottom. The thing that is probably taxing my pelvis the most at the moment is endless discipline issues and lifting Benjamin down for the zillionth time from places he keeps climbing to!
The PGP is the only thing I am REALLY REALLY looking forward to being gone asap once I have had my little sweetie pie. I am loving still being pregnant, even with the other more typical complaints at this stage (hugeness getting in the way of everything, heartburn, constipation, broken sleep, tiredness, etc, etc) but those things I really am not wishing away even though they're inconvenient. That's all they are - inconvenient. And the blessing of carrying a new little person around in such a lovely round tummy (LOVE my pregnant bump every time, hehe!) and feeling his movements and wiggles and hiccups - everything else pales into insignificance. It will be over all too soon and I'll miss it before I know it. I can't wait to have Samuel in my arms and see what he looks like, and snuggle a newborn with such a soft soft head, and feel that satisfying sting of milk letting down as I nurse my tiny person, and just get to know him. But I still don't want to rush these last few days with him inside me. Such precious days, and so fleeting. But I do hope the PGP goes away for me, as quickly as possible after the birth, and doesn't hang around for ages continuing to be a problem. Hopefully I won't need to see a physiotherapist afterwards and it will all just get much better quickly. I soooooo hope. I am really tired of being in this much pain all the time now. I'm worried that it will be troublesome during labour/birth but Heather said I should just NOT squat (not that I have any interest in doing so!), and lie down on my left side like I did with Benjamin. My left side is currently the more painful side to lie on, and moving from that side is truly truly awful, if I've been on it any length of time, even just to shift position ever so slightly. The right side is pretty much almost as bad but marginally less so. So I am not crazy about doing that during labour.... Anyway. Hopefully it'll be okay.
What about the birth? I guess I have been back and forth over this for a long long time now! It's too late at night now and the narrative of the decision-making process is too long-winded for me to elaborate on it much here and now, but basically right now I am planning a homebirth. I have my homebirth supplies pretty much ready at the foot of my bed. I have my hospital bag almost completely packed (just needs the odd thing like a hairbrush and a baby blanket - everything else is done, including all the stocks of things like breastpads, newborn nappies, maternity pads, etc, etc! Exciting things to purchase!). I still haven't written a birth plan but I'm so up in the air about what to do and even what to expect, that I just can't seem to get my head around writing one. I SHOULD, and Heather has reminded me to do so, even a brief one, but I haven't yet. Hopefully I'll do one in time, but I should think I won't be able to get "head space" to think of that until the weekend when Neil is home and I get a bit more rest. The days with the boys are pretty intense and my brain seems to be absolute mush at all times - I can't think straight at any point, or make any decisions! Everything in me is all used up from Monday to Friday, waking to falling asleep! Tonight is going pretty well in that I'm able to write this! Some nights I have thought to update here but just felt unable to string sentences together, even in type, lol!
The recommendation (strong) is for me to give birth in hospital, due to a) succenturiate lobe on my placenta and increased risk of haemmorrhage, b) 5th baby and therefore (ALLEGED) increased risk of haemmorrhage (Heather and I can NOT find any research to back this up, and nor can the midwives or consultant that Heather asks quite pointedly, haha!), and c) my GBS test came back positive. Again. At 36 weeks. Woo. Hoo. I'm bummed about it, but I guess I know it was likely, since I have been GBS+ the last two pregnancies (and probably the previous two but I wasn't tested those times). Last time I declined IV antibiotics during labour and had Benjamin at home anyway, and observed him well after his birth for 24 hours, and all was fine. I feel like I did that hurdle last time, so I am less anxious about making that decision this time. I will be careful with watching for increased risk factors though, as last time. If my waters break before labour starts, I will likely just go into hospital and get antibiotics. Last time they didn't break until his head was crowning, just like with Matthew! With Arthur and Nathan, I was in hospital and I had IV antibiotics (Arthur because I developed a fever - good indication of GBS even though we didn't know about that at the time since I wasn't tested). Everyone (midwives, Heather, consultant, etc) seems to expect my labour to be quick and straightforward this time, since it's my 5th baby and last time went like that. I have less confidence than they all seem to, but I guess it's a good possibility, and it's nice to hear them all saying how it will likely go that way! :) So if my waters break, apparently at this stage I should expect labour to kick right in and move quickly anyway. There shouldn't be time for things to drag and for me to start to feel unwell with the kind of signs I had in Arthur's VERY LONG labour. So, especially if my waters break right at the very end, the GBS risk should be extremely low.
As far as the bleeding risks go, I have decided (not all that firmly!) to stay at home. The midwives seem to have no problem booking my homebirth, and everybody knows I may possibly need a transfer to hospital. I SO SO SO hope that will not happen, and that my placenta will plop right out with the lobe attached, and no significant bleeding. We are actively praying for this, and I covet your prayers for the same please! Until last week I had assumed that I would have a managed 3rd stage (syntometrine injection as the baby is born to get the placenta delivered asap) to reduce the risk of bleeding, but then I did a bit more research on it. It does appear to reduce the risk of bleeding, but I'm not too crazy about it all the same. They have to massage your tummy like crazy and apply cord traction, all in the name of getting the thing out FAST so that the cervix doesn't close before they can get it out, thus causing the extra problem of "retained placenta", for which I would have to transfer to hospital and go into theatre to have it removed! I had a horrible time delivering Arthur's placenta (managed 3rd stage which didn't follow on quickly like it should have) where the doctor applied cord traction to the degree that she braced herself against the foot of my bed and used all her strength to pull on the cord hanging out of me!! BOY did that feel wrong, though I understand why, and I find myself wondering why on earth I should agree to having the whole thing messed about with?! My cervix wouldn't naturally close that fast at all if I didn't have that intervention of the injection to deliver the placenta - it's a side-effect of the injection. My uterus has done a great job of popping out the placenta with some good strong contractions since Arthur's birth, within about 20 minutes of the baby being born. I don't see why it wouldn't be very efficient at it again? If at that point I DO have excessive bleeding, the treatment on the spot would be the syntometrine injection ANYWAY, so at that point they can administer it if needed, right? I know if the bleeding is persistant and heavy then it might not work, and that worries me, but I guess I am trying not to dwell so heavily on the negative possibilities. Doing so has been really making me crazy these last few weeks, and I just want to think positive, pray continually, and have a plan in place if it's needed. So at the moment that means planning a homebirth, praying that all will go smoothly, and being prepared for an emergency transfer at the end if it does not. And trusting God to have His hand upon me and keep me safe. I feel better (SO much better!) with this mindset than I have in ages. The only decision I am now left wondering about is whether to decline the managed 3rd stage. Heather says I can, and she will support me in it, but that the midwives will throw up their hands in horror and I should be prepared for that if I choose to decline it! She said I can wait until I'm in labour before I decide, so that is good because it makes me feel less under pressure to decide right now. I am praying about it, and right now I feel that I will decline it and let my body do what I feel quite confident that it's able to do, and be glad of medical help right there if I need it. I am about a 3 minute drive from the hospital so that helps too.
Well as always there is SO much more I could write. I so want to! But it's too late and I have to go to bed. Samuel's movements are really slowing down a lot this week - I did worry about it a couple of times, but he's still moving enough, just less than usual. He is mostly just rolling his shoulders a bit and shuffling his bent-up legs, poor little squished lambie! He has absolutely NO room left in there. At my 38 week midwife appointment everything was fine (blood pressure 110/70, urine + for protein and leukocytes which frankly it often is for me at this stage since I have a ton of CM that seems to contaminate the samples I give them most times, but never grows anything when sent off to the lab) and Samuel was measuring okay for dates (I assume - they didn't say otherwise!), and was still 4/5 palpable, but "nice and low" according to the same midwife who attended my 40-week appt with Benjamin (and came back later the same day once labour was starting!) and declared him "really high still", so that was nice to hear! :) Samuel gets hiccups about 2-4 times a day still at the moment. They feel really BIG and strong now, and I love feeling them! I can't wait to hold him when I lay my hand on my bump and feel his hiccups so very clearly, and imagine him in there hiccuping away!
The boys now know his name - hooray!! :) Arthur was THRILLED and beamed for ages when we told him, so I guess he likes the name! Matthew said he did not like the name because he wanted the baby to be called "Crispy" when he came out, hehe! Arthur chose the name "Cornflake" for Samuel through my pregnancy, and Matthew's choice at the same time was "Crispy", but we let Arthur have the choice this time. Matthew has been very persistant with his choice all the same, referring to the baby as "Crispy" instead of Cornflake, and telling the midwife when I have an appointment that the baby's name is Crispy, hehe! So he seems to be most put out that the baby won't ACTUALLY be called Crispy when he is born! He wouldn't even say Samuel's name for the first few days we were using it with the boys, and then finally he used it for the first time to tell me, "Mummy, after Samuel, when you have the NEXT baby in your tummy, I want it to be Crispy." ;)
Nathan mostly refers to the baby as "your new baby" whenever he talks about him to me, for some reason! He talks about him with affection and excitement, and tells me many times a day what the baby will do when he comes out. Right now he is all about the baby having lots of milky when he comes out. I have been telling him about what new babies do (have milky, wee, poo, cry and sleep) so that he gets a better expectation, because although it'll be his second little brother (that's CRAZY to type out, referring to my teeny little 2-year-old Nathey-noodle!), he really doesn't have any idea of what to expect as he was only 18 months old when Benjamin was born. He kept telling me that the new baby would crawl and stand when he came out, lol! So I have been talking to him about it a lot lately, and he is now coming out with more appropriate things! ;) Benjamin turned 17 months old today and has nooooo idea what's coming, bless his heart! He pats my tummy and says, "baby", and he makes a sort of sad little miaowing sound as he looks at it - the same sound he makes when he plays with the two baby dolls we've got, to pretend they're crying. He is EVER SO sweet with the baby dolls. He spontaneously started playing with them a few weeks ago, and they are one of his favourite things to play with these days. He lifts their legs up and says, "tains" (change, for nappy change), and will wipe them with a hanky! He makes that funny crying sound and says to me, "Cwy" and then holds them against his little torso face-in, and sways about, saying, "Ssss....ssss....sssss." (which is his version of "shhh" - SOOOOOOOOOO adorable!). Nobody showed him this, I think he got it from when Neil settles him in a similar way when he wakes and cries in the evening. He gives cuh-gohs and kisses to the babies, and lately brings them to me and lifts my top up, and posts them rather roughly at my breast so I can nurse them! He calls my milk "gunk" - how flattering, haha! But it's just how he has pronounced it from the first, and it has stuck.
Anyway, the boys are all doing fine in terms of waiting and preparing to meet Samuel. They are so eager, and every day the older two tell me how many days there are left until he is due! They know it could happen any time and are very excited. We have my brother for back-up if we need childcare cover, but he is having job interviews regularly at the moment (he's out of work right now) and also has his own two little ones, so he is only available if he turns out to be when we call him! Also if I need to transfer in an emergency then there won't be time for him to come over. We've decided that if I need to go into hospital I will go with Heather and Neil will stay home with the little ones. I feel sad to think he might not get to see Samuel born, but we both feel happier about this option as far as the boys are concerned, and I won't stress at ALL about being in hospital and leaving the boys behind, which I always do otherwise. And I have Heather. But I hope I will stay at home and we'll both be around for the boys, and he won't miss the birth either! :)
It is currently SO surreal to think that I will actually go into labour any time, ever, let alone soon, that I just can't think straight at all about it really happening. I just have no expectations of it yet. I can't imagine really going into labour, or having actually given birth and being on the other side of it! There's so much going on at home, so much still to do, and it just seems so unlikely that I'll go ahead and add giving birth to the whole shebang, hehe! Christmas preparations are making it seem even less possible, and I'm much more able to think about and focus on stuff to get done for Christmas than the fact that I will be having a baby BEFORE Christmas arrives! So very surreal.
I am wondering about when it WILL happen though. So far - and it doesn't mean it will be this way again, I know - so far, all my babies have been born between the 9th and 14th of the month, no matter when they were due, like I said last entry. I have never gone into labour naturally before my due date (with Nathan he was obviously born way before my due date but I had to be induced when my waters broke), and my due date is the 13th. So based on that, I still wonder if I will have a baby on the 13th or 14th (14th sticking in my head as the most likely, as I was that exact gestation when Benjamin was born too). If I do, then I think a pattern is emerging! ;) Arthur on the 9th, Matthew on the 14th, Nathan on the 12th. Benjamin starts it off again by being born on the 9th, and then if Samuel comes on the 14th, that leaves us another son to be born on the 12th of some month at some point! ;) I always say now that "my window" is the 9th to the 14th of the month, so I feel like I could give birth anywhere in that window. I told everyone that with confidence last time, and Benjamin WAS born on the 9th. I just knew he wouldn't come earlier than my window! :) So today is the 9th - my window has begun! :) I am still not really expecting him before the weekend, or even until the weekend is over, because my due date isn't until Monday. My scans all put me due on the 11th (Saturday) but my chart disagrees, and I'm pretty sure about it, so I am sticking with the 13th.
Okay, I MUST go to bed! So glad to have updated to actually record some important stuff before the whirlwind blur of labour posts and postnatal ramblings when pregnancy suddenly seems a long way in the past and less relevant to catch up posting about! Oh, and I have updated my belly gallery. I still feel bad that I haven't kept up with Samuel's belly pictures like I have all the other boys, but I'm accepting the fact that I just HAVEN'T, now. Neil and I are just not getting the same kind of time together that we used to, and he always used to take the belly pictures. I discovered I can set the camera with a timer to take my own picture, so that's what I've done for the last few. Still not as many as I usually take, and they're more spaced out, but oh well. Also one of them is really out of focus, hehe! But never mind! So my last one that I posted in the gallery was 28 weeks. I have now put one up for 33 weeks (or it might have been taken the day before I turned 33 weeks, I think), and 37 weeks and 5 days. I fully intend to take one this week/weekend, in case I have a baby before I get to take my "due date" photo, or forget to or something. Then I'll have a record of the very END of my pregnancy with a photo. I feel HUGE. My maternity trousers and jeans do not fit, and haven't fit over my bump since 37 weeks. I just can't wear them! I do have one very comfy pair of maternity PJs which I live in, hehe! And I have the soft stretchy brown trousers that at least don't HURT to wear, but which slide under my bump continually and fall down - I'm constantly hoisting them over my non-existant hips, but like I say, at least they're comfy and less embarrassing to open the door in than pyjamas! I'll pretty much be wearing one of those two things in any more belly pics I take - and I am wearing them in the 37 week picture (they've slid under my bump already!).
I'll try to update again soon. I have had no signs of labour impending so far, though tonight I am mildly crampy in a vaguely periody way for the first time. Right now I can't feel any crampiness, I just noticed a bit of it earlier in the evening when I was resting on the bed. Nothing else to report yet though! I'll keep the blog posted as soon as "things" really start to happen, unless there's urgency to the situation and I don't get time.
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