8DPO! :)

Yes, you're right - definitely time for an update, lol! ;)

So I am now 8 days past ovulation, which is when my temperature had dropped and spotting/bleeding started last cycle, even though a pregnancy had started. This time things look pretty good at 8DPO! :)

My temperature went up yesterday morning, at 7DPO, significantly enough for me to think, "Oooooh!", and I had more "bad" cramps - the type I only get when pregnant. So I did the sort of thing that's perfectly normal for Crazy Obsesso-Woman (she's baaaack, haha!), and peed on a stick! At 7DPO! lol! Ah, I know, I know. Of course it was negative - really negative, and I still have last cycle's test sticks, so it was comforting all over again to compare yesterday's test with those, and see again that there really was a positive result last cycle.

So, 7DPO, negative test. I had a really busy day yesterday. After my long email to Heather, she wanted to talk about some of the things in it properly, so Neil (marvellously!) looked after all 6 boys while I went and met Heather in a cafe, and we sat on a comfy sofa with cups of tea and talked for THREE HOURS!!! :-O A lot of it was really serious stuff related to me needing to DO certain stuff related to getting social services off our backs, etc. And some of it was just uncomfortable for me to talk about. Heather thinks I should consider the likelihood that I am suffering from depression, and that considering medication might be a worthwhile thing. I have nothing against the condition, or people who suffer from it, but I have such a BIG personal issue with ME suffering from depression (long and complicated past history), that I really really REALLY don't want to go there - to think that I'm going down that road again. Ugh. I have been on medication for depression before, and do not want to again. I have nothing against anyone who does, or againt anti-depressants in general, but I. don't. want. it. for me! :( I don't know why, I just don't. I just think everything will be alright in the end, or else I want to pretend it will, but Heather thinks I am maybe burying my head in the sand, and that I will need to take action on it in some way for it to get better. I still hope she's wrong...

Anyway. We discussed a lot of tough subjects, and none of it was awful or stern, just uncomfortable subjects, but with the world's best listener and "sorter" - she is so resourceful and thoughtful on ways to help, and gives so lovingly and generously of herself in the solutions she thinks of. There's too much to list here, and this entry isn't really about that, but I'm just making note as I likely won't make note of it anywhere else. Also to note that the morning utterly and completely wiped me out. I think it was the emotional aspect (not that I got teary or anything, just... it was uncomfortable) or something, and the length of time. In the last 15 minutes or so I started to feel kind of unwell, as though I was too tired in my head to take any more. I felt dizzy and started to feel a bit nauseous with it too, and then I came home. Elijah took a nap and Neil took the other 5 boys out to the park, while I prepared school for the week ahead, photocopied worksheets, etc. (yes, I own a photocopier. One of my best school-related buys ever!) and looked up a few of the things Heather had suggested. I had a headache and felt really tired but I needed to get school prepared. I had put the dizziness down to tiredness, but actually I noticed some the day before - just little moments here and there throughout the day - and yesterday I continued to have the odd dizzy spell right up to the end of the day. I kept feeling somewhat in denial that it could possibly be an early pregnancy symptom, even though it IS, for me, often. I just thought that if I was as tired as I was, dizziness like that was to be expected. I have changed my mind today, because I'm still feeling totally exhausted, and having more dizzy spells too. I think they are early pregnancy symptoms, to be honest.

What else at 7DPO? I should update every day, otherwise I have to remember the other days' stuff as well, and then it's not so relevant in any case, but I need it for the full picture. I will definitely update daily from now on, until I have some news (of either sort).

The busy day (well, busy for me!) continued with a fantastic evening at church, especially for ladies! :) Heather bought us both tickets weeks ago (isn't she wonderful?!) and I left my excellent husband to put all six boys to bed, and spent 3 hours of the evening with 250 ladies, being entertained (oh I actually cried running tears during the stand up comedy section! I was so glad I had been to the loo in the interval, lol!), drinking wine (well, I only had 1/3 of glass before I started to feel a bit weird and dizzy, so I stopped then), eating incredibly yummy cupcakes, and generally having a wonderful time. It was run by World Vision, so the emphasis was on the desperate need for sponsors for needy children. I have sponsored an 8-year-old boy in Uganda. It will be wonderful for my boys, and possibly life-saving for him.

I was quite crampy on and off through the day. I definitely needed to chart "bad cramps" because it was bad enough to make me distracted at both the cafe AND even during the entertainment in the evening, so that's noteworthy. The sensation was a sort of crampiness inside my pubic bone/hip area (an inch above) on one side or the other, but mostly on my right side.

I also felt that I could possibly chart frequent urination yesterday (and today is the same), but only because of needing to wee a bit more than I usually do, and feel quite urgent and seem to have a lot to wee when I do, despite not drinking enough fluids. I don't have any UTI symptoms.

Otherwise I was feeling quite neutral yesterday, in terms of whether I felt like I was really FEELING pregnant or not. I began to THINK I was. Oh but I did have the same tender breasts symptom that I charted the day before. I had noticed that I hadn't yet felt what I usually do when in early pregnancy - really sore "flashes" of stabby pains. This was just achy and sore, which I can get before periods too. I don't get the flashy pains normally, before periods. Anyway, yesterday afternoon I had some flashy pains!!! I was really excited! :)

So, 8DPO - today! :)

At 4.30am, I woke up because Elijah did, and was PAINFULLY, burningly hungry! I also really really needed a wee, but didn't do anything about either, partly because I had no opportunity, and partly because I wanted to save the wee for a test if my temp stayed up! ;)

I was so excited, but not at all surprised, to get my highest temp yet this cycle!! :D That's a reeeeeeally good sign for me at this stage. I really feel pregnant today - I both think it, and feel it. And the temp was really encouraging. 36.8*c is a temp I don't usually reach on non-pregnant cycles. I mean, I CAN and sometimes do, and a good pregnancy sign for me is getting to 36.9, or a SURE sign is 37.0. I have never reached that unless pregnant, and when pregnant I ALWAYS do, eventually, in my LP. But 36.8 is pretty stonking. I know it can go either way still, but I am sure now that I am pregnant, and just hoping it doesn't end in a chemical pregnancy, as I would love an October baby, and not to have to get into the hassle of Heather starting all her craft fairs from the end of October to just before Christmas (where she would be unavailable to be at the birth as my doula - can't even imagine!!! :( ). I would also just love not to lose this baby...

So of course I tested! ;) The test was negative, though I wondered if mayyyyyyybe there might be the slightest shadow where a line is supposed to be, compared with the day before. But I honestly could well have been seeing things, so I am not putting anything on that. It's definitely a negative test. At only 8DPO, that is not too surprising. I think the earliest I had a proper positive test has been 9DPO, but sometimes I've had a faint line at 10DPO and nothing at 9DPO (once? I can't remember if more than once). Anyway.

So, today I have had plentiful nagging aches and pains around, to the side, and above my pubic bone - mostly on my right side. Sometimes it's like a boring pain. It's actually just started again as I'm writing this. It bothers me every time I'm lying down breastfeeding, but it's not a constant pain at all. It feels similar to cramps, but just not. I also had a moment this afternoon when I was breastfeeding Elijah for his nap, that I started to feel an increasing pressure, like a wave of proper bearing-down type cramps - those felt very much like my period was starting. I have been checking quite a few times today, because sometimes it felt like it was starting, but it never was. No spotting at all, though I have been scrutinising my underwear, lol! I do have the same CM as I mentioned before, still.

Today I asked Neil to check my face (he has always been my chief tester for this particular pregnancy sign, and is very experienced at knowing the difference between normal-soft and pregnant-soft, hehe!), and he stroked my cheek, and had barely touched it when he said, "Yep!" :) Definitely "weirdly soft skin" - as I chart it! I only ever (EVER) get that when pregnant, and usually from about 8, 9 or 10DPO. There isn't another possible explanation for that one! :) I am sure sure SURE that I am pregnant. :)

I am hungrier than usual, and the main thing about it is that I'm suddenly URGENTLY hungry, seemingly out of nowhere, and I MUST eat or else my tummy hurts and I feel weird. I have also been dizzy on and off again today, like I said earlier, and I feel really really exhausted - pregnant exhausted, or about to get my period exhausted.

It hurt to breastfeed the little two at bedtime, and I have just feel very irritable and moody this evening too. Pre-menstrual, sort of, but I strongly suspect it's actually down to pregnancy hormones, such as it has been at this kind of stage in previous pregnancies (and I've always wondered about PMS then too!).

What else? I'm really bloated, as yesterday (and pretty much the day before too, now I think about it). I am also "gassy" in the chartable sense - which is an absolute pregnancy symptom for me, in each and every pregnancy (chemical and not), in my luteal phase. Lovely! ;)

I can't think what else... and I'm really tired out so I am starting to feel a bit woozy and not think too clearly. I'm feeling optimistic and excited about temping in the morning - quite excited to go to bed just because it means the morning will come soon! :) But I'm also slightly wary of being optimistic, because I very easily COULD find that my temp drops, pregnant or not, and I start to bleed. It has happened so many times now, even with a beautiful chart full of obviously pregnant rising temps, or temps that have plateaued out at a high level. Still it can plummet without much warning, and then it's over and done with. This time I don't know what it is... I feel terribly attached already, to the possibility of this particular little one. I don't even know why that should be. It won't have any bearing on whether or not this particular little one stays with me or not, but I think it will have a big impact on my feelings this time if this little one doesn't "stick". I normally just think, "Ah well!" and know that God knows best. This time I just SO want this baby - the feeling has taken me by surprise and just come from nowhere, and I'm trying to mentally chant in the background, "God knows best, God knows best, God knows best..." to keep me focused on what's actually important, not what *I* want. But this time, for some inexplicable reason, it is more difficult. I don't even have confirmation that he/she is even there, but I love this baby so much. I feel really vulnerable even writing about it, without that security of a stick in my hand with two lines on it. It could all crumble away to nothingness tomorrow...

Neil is also sure I'm pregnant. He says he just knows I am. The boys continue to talk about "what we'll call the next baby!" and I found Neil at the computer this evening looking at 15 passenger vans!! :) I keep being distracted by the thought that I might be on my journey to have my 7th, seventh, sev-enth baby!!! Six I had hoped for and longed for, prayed for, even, since I was 6-years-old. Six I had dared to expect, in the last couple of years. But seven? Beyond my heart's desire? Could God - would God really actually be that generous to me? I can't stop thinking about it, and breathlessly asking myself that question. I can't believe He would really bless me that much! More than I ever asked for, even though I asked for quite a generous blessing in the first place! Me - the mother of seven children?! I feel slightly in disbelief that that person could actually be me! And I'm not - yet. Not until I know for sure that I am pregnant. But it feels so close... I can almost touch it. Such a generous and loving God! Now, God also knows that the desire of my heart is to have a daughter, but if He chooses not to give me a daughter, then who am I to complain at him and bemoan the fact that he has given me alllllll these sons!!! "Sons are a heritage from the Lord", says the Bible, and I believe it! :)

I will have to just wait and see. I expect my temperature to be high, still, even if it's a bit lower than today. A big drop would surprise and disappoint me, but I think I would still test all the same. I have 4 tests left. I will definitely use one tomorrow, whatever my temp is.

Thanks so much for keeping up with me and for your lovely excited comments! :) I really love reading them, and I feel kind of surrounded by friends in my journey which is lovely! I will update tomorrow as soon as I can, re. my temp and test. I'll update my chart as well. Back tomorrow! :)