8DPO

It's late already and I really and truly have NO time to write a post tonight. Tomorrow is Day 90 of my challenge to read through the Bible in 90 days, and I was a bit behind so I have been focusing on reading instead of being online! I am caught up and on track to finish tomorrow now, wheee! :)

Anyway, chart-y stuff! ;)

Sooo I'm 8DPO today and look look LOOKIE at my temp again this morning!! I know you have already, but I'm still excited so I'm saying it anyway! ;) ANOTHER 36.8! Since my temp had that huge jump after (unproven but likely) implantation at 5DPO, my temps have been completely flat - the same every day. The only charts that I've had like this before are ones where I've been pregnant. So yes yes, I know I'm only 8DPO but seeing that temp I couldn't help myself! I ripped open my pack of 10 cheapy tests and peed on one! It's negative (of course?) but I do see a shadowy line that's barely pink, not greyish. Now, even though it's TOO EARLY to be seeing a positive test (for at least 99% of women at this stage!), looking at that test stick suddenly reminded me of the last couple of cycles, having pregnancy symptoms and a chart that agreed, and getting those negative tests - and I felt unconfident suddenly, and started to second guess myself. I had the same faintish barely there line two days running last cycle and called them positives because the line was THERE and fat and pink, just so so so terribly faint that I couldn't even do much with it in a photograph (though I tried, lol!). I kept them so I could compare this cycle in case it happened again, though they're kind of old now.

Anyway I started to second guess myself and think that maybe what I was looking at the last time was just negative tests, and the shadow that I could see was just what would have been there if I took them mid-cycle with no chance of being pregnant at all! I am sure I was pregnant last cycle, but I say this so many cycles that I become unconfident in myself and start to wonder if I'm just kidding myself? I know at the time that I have clear symptoms that I am very familiar with after all this time and all these babies! And charting helps to confirm that too. But today, looking at that fainter than faint (too faint) line again, I became discouraged and rather unconfident of the outcome of this cycle. I know that's silly because I'm only 8DPO, and LOOK at my chart (!!), and I have absolutely undeniable pregnancy symptoms right now (flashing static pains in my n*pples still, little tiny ligament "pulls" and "tweaks" inside my hips, frequent urination, slight gagginess, etc, which I never ever (ever) get at any point when I am not pregnant). I just worry that again I will say, "Oh I'm SO definitely pregnant!" and then keep on getting negative tests that I am convinced are faint faint positives, and then wouldn't you know it? I get my period after all. I begin to feel silly and childish when I look at it from a distance, and hope that I don't look that way to other people (because that could be the case!).

After I tested this morning I thought I didn't really want to test again tomorrow. I thought I would wait till 10DPO. But, more realistically, I will see what my temp is in the morning. I'm still not really expecting a drop in temp as early as 9DPO (could happen at 10DPO or 11DPO though, if my period will arrive), so I guess it should still be raised. HOW raised, is the key though. If I see it right up there again, I KNOW I am going to want to test again! ;) So we'll see. I have plenty of tests and they were not remotely expensive so that's not an issue. I should probably wait, but it's no good trying to reason with me on that one because I am not a waiter! ;) I get caught up in the moment and can't stand the idea of being sensible and waiting, even if it slightly messes with my sanity as a result, haha!

Today I think has been quite a quiet, neutral day again as far as my body goes. It just feels calm and still and quiet in there somehow, and I know I am not even describing the feeling right, because I don't mean silent or dormant at ALL. Like a calm before a storm type of feeling. But nice, not scary.

I have mild cramps on and off as yesterday. No BAD cramps yet, which are a sure sign of pregnancy in my luteal phase. Mild cramps I may have whether pregnant or not. My breasts are tender today and I've had more of that static that I mentioned before (pregnant!). My mood has really stabilised, although I'm a bit sensitive and overwhelmed still, just nowhere near as much as before (thankfully!!). I ate the pizza I couldn't eat last night, heated up for lunch today, and it was okay. I felt a big gaggy by the end, but my tummy felt happier to eat it at that different time of day.

I've had a bit of a sore throat today, but not like I am getting ill. In fact I highly doubt I am getting ill, since it's been nearly a week since I've been anywhere to catch anything! I'm BUSY at home all the time lately! The boys are all healthy and their outings are mostly to wide open spaces to RUN AND RUN and walk for miles (literally!) and play and hide. I know there is an actual search category at the FF chart gallery for "sore throat" and a LOT of pregnancy charts come up when you enter that - I read about that in a post there a few years ago, and was reminded of it when I had a slightly sore/scratchy throat that came to nothing in my LP when pregnant with Matthew, and again with Nathan I think, but not so much. It may be nothing to do with pregnancy of course, but being Crazy Obsesso-Woman, I wanted to note it! ;)

Very little CM again, though I'm starting to feel the urge to check my underwear today, I guess now that I'm getting nearer to the end of my usual short luteal phase, or maybe it's more to do with the sudden unconfident feeling I described above? Anyway, starting to spot check!

I have had a weird little "cracking" sensation (little flashes of sort of ultra quick ligament pains that almost feel like my skin cracking on the inside - weird, I I know but I don't know how else to describe it) on the front of my tummy a few inches below my tummy button today, as I was holding Benjamin and rocking him at naptime. This really caught my attention because it's something I have experienced time and time again when holding my babies or toddlers and rocking them either at naptime, bedtime, or during the night over the years. But only when I'm pregnant. I don't even know what it is! All I know is that I feel it in that very same place, and higher up at the same central point as my bump rises up in the first half of pregnancy - I don't get it in the 2nd half of pregnancy really - and only when holding a weight like a heavy older baby or a small toddler on my front in my arms, and shifting my weight about to rock them.

I am not sure what to do if I'm NOT pregnant this cycle. I think perhaps I will start to wonder if I'm going crazy! I KNOW that I am pregnant, and yet I am starting to feel foolish for "knowing" each cycle recently and never actually getting past the end of my luteal phase before a period comes anyway. I know I do get chemical pregnancies until my luteal phase is long enough to support a pregnancy (and IS it, this time?? I'm suddenly unconfident...), but I still look back and start to wonder if I'm just going crazy here!

Well I am sure there was more, but I should stop now and go to bed. Oh! But another weird little coincidence - when I was waiting to find out if I was pregnant with Benjamin (well, only about 4DPO actually), a friend who I hadn't been in touch with for a while sent me an out-of-the-blue message at Facebook, pouring out her heart to me because she and her husband had been trying for a baby for a while and were having no success. I felt so conflicted about writing a reply to her, because I knew (in my knower!) that I was pregnant and just waiting to find out for sure, but the timing seemed horrible for her, and I didn't want to crush her with news of my pregnancy soon after. I was just honest with her in the end, and it was okay. She has since had a baby boy :) Anyway, so the day before yesterday I got a message at Facebook from a school friend I haven't heard from in ages, saying that she just had an ectopic pregnancy and has been trying for a baby with her hubby for a long time and is feeling so sad that it isn't happening! Again with the horrible timing for my sweet friend, if I'm pregnant! :S I hate my happy news to hurt others who are struggling in this area, whenever I announce that I'm pregnant. Anyway, that was an uncanny similarity to last time I was pregnant (and actually really pregnant too! :) ).

Ohhh I woke this morning from a REALLY vivid dream (another good sign of pregnancy for me, late in my LP usually and beyond). It was soooo detailed and in long sections, and very emotional, and I remember it all so clearly. I gave birth to a baby boy (my 5th child, so hmmm!...) and the dream then got so weird and the storyline is way to complicated and drawn out to go into here really, but basically Neil wanted me to cycle places to get things with him the same day I gave birth, and I struggled and we argued, and I got lost when we parted ways to find the right route, and then there was a fire in our house (somehow I was there again!) and I put it out with the fire extinguisher, and that made the batteries in the recharger explode (?!), and then I got kidnapped by a gunman along with various other people, and we were walking through an airport and I was getting more and more breathlessly exhausted and kept begging them to let me go, saying that I had just given birth that morning and my baby needed me. When they said I could go I started to "ugly" cry and just didn't stop for aaaages, and woke up doing dry snorty sobs! ;) Weirdness. I was just so relieved to be allowed to go to my baby, because I was so anxious about him crying for me or being hungry (he didn't want to feed after he was born, and then somehow I was separated from him for the rest of the dream). Neil noted (when I told him about it) that the gunman aspect is often part of my dreams when I'm pregnant. I have had some HORRIBLE violent and terrifying "gunman" dreams when pregnant before, and I STILL see some of them clearly when I even cast a thought in their direction, from Arthur's pregnancy. I actually die of gunshot wounds (sometimes slowly) before waking up in some of them. Urgh.

Anyway!! So, weird dream - also a pregnancy sign in itself.

Must go to bed! I will update my chart asap in the morning. This morning I temped and updated my chart RIGHT AWAY in the bedroom a good 30 minutes before I had chance to take the pregnancy test, and then I didn't get the chance to update the chart with the result till Benjamin napped a bit later, so that's why I updated with my temp and yet no test result for a while. If I test tomorrow, it might be the same order of events, but I will post it as soon as I'm able, later in the morning hopefully!

Oh and as far as the "5" on my chart that is on a line called "stats" - the stats line is just to show, based on all the previous charts I've entered (ie, my history, or stats) when I'm likely to ovulate (the green squares along that line show the window that I might expect to ovulate in - there's such a long line of them because I have such a HUGE range in the cycle day that I ovulate over the years!), and when I might expect my period to arrive. There are red squares for the days when my period might show up, based on past history of what cycle day my period has showed up on before. Then they take my normal average luteal phase (which is 12 days I think), and every time my chart records that I've ovulated, a WHITE square shows up in the stats line 13 days ahead. That is the recommended test day, according to FF! The 5 is the start of the 5,4,3,2,1 countdown to the white box :) Nothing exciting really, since I test anyway even when it says "FIVE DAYS TO GO TILL YOU CAN TEST!!!" hahaha! ;)

Okay, bed! Back tomorrow at NINE days past ovulation! :) I love seeing my LP getting closer to normal length again! :)