9DPO

Well, I'm 9 days past ovulation today and this morning I had a slight dip in temp to 36.7, down from my flat temps at 36.8. I know it's still high and still triphasic, but still it's a dip at 9DPO, and then I tested (just because) and it was still negative - well, that too faint to call positive line - and now I'm just feeling really doubtful and unconfident about my ability to discern what's going on in my body! I wonder if these lines are just evaporation lines? They are very like the ones I called positive in the end last cycle, but they do show up within 5 minutes so that's less likely I guess. Definitely negative tests though.

I do feel a bit silly, because the negatives which were SURE to happen this early are throwing my confidence about the outcome of this cycle, especially given my history the previous 2 cycles in a row of feeling SURE I was pregnant (lots of obvious signs, chart concurring, etc) but negative or almost-negative/vaguely-positive tests and then a period after all. I feel unconfident suddenly about declaring that I feel pregnant or posting a "definitely" pregnant symptom, because I really truly have no idea whether I will actually get my period anyway. Or not. I have no way of knowing, pregnant at this moment or not, and well, 3 times in a row starts to look daft! I know it's my blog and my thoughts, and I'm glad I can post anything really and people are loving and supportive, but still I don't like seeming daft!

Anyway. I do actually FEEL pregnant. Things still smell yucky and get me feeling a bit gaggy. I am still peeing more frequently (3 days is it now?) and that's consistent and the same every day. Not crazy peeing like waking in the night, but if I go at 1am then when Benji wakes at 6am I really need a wee then too, these last few days. I need to go twice during the evening, and a few times during the day. I know this doesn't sound like much, but I usually pee on rising, maybe one other time in the day, and then mayyyybe in the evening once (not always), and then at bedtime. It's not uncommon for me to pee on rising (if it's the weekend and I lie in) and then need a wee next in the evening, and go then or at bedtime. Bad, I know! ;) But that's why it's really clear to me that I'm consistently needing to pee more often at the moment. Just these last 3 days.

I have increased appetite today, definitely. And am extra tired. I did put together a drop-leaf table that arrived today and that was a little bit of physical work, so I do feel physically tired from that I guess, but I generally feel really tired and breathless. I forgot to describe that part over the last few days - I have felt quite breathless with the tiredness I've been having, and I notice it especially after going up the stairs or when talking to someone at length, which is a bit odd really. I have a headache tonight and had a slight one this morning. Tonight's is in my neck mostly (and now in my forehead) probably due to reading with intensity on and off through the day and evening as it's Day 90 of my challenge to read the whole Bible in 90 days today!!! :) I did it!!! :D

I've had some queasiness here and there today, and my gassiness as there as it has been since a couple of days after ovulating.

I definitely have tender breasts today, they generally feel a bit heavy and achy, but not noticably all the time. Other times I have had moments of n*pple tenderness or generalised achy tenderness. So, that's pregnant of me too, but I guess it could be a pre-period sign as well. I just can't really remember that any more.

This afternoon I had a wave of feeling more crampy than usual (that is, more than the fairly continuous mild cramps (barely bothersome but there) that I've been having since ovulation). Just for a moment it felt like a wave of slightly queasy vice-like pain, and then went off again. Since then I have had more waves that have lasted longer, and also some persistant crampiness that I could almost chart as "bad cramps" on my right side (over that same place where I had ovulation pain and then twinges a bit later on, etc). This isn't implantation or ovulation-like pain though. It's crampiness, plain and simple. I also have more of a pressing boring pain/ache on that right side at the right edge of my pubic bone, almost below the bone itself, it's so low. I can actually put my finger on it, but it's deep inside. I have had some twinges and pully sensations, very tiny but there, on my left side too inside my hip today.

This evening from about 8pm I have felt more and more crampy, and it has sometimes felt a little bit vice-like with pressure, and hot and queasyish, like period pains. At one point I was sure my period must be starting. It bothered me when I was sitting still on the sofa, or when I was standing in the kitchen talking to Neil or making dinner. Just on and off, but mostly on. It was wave-like, but constant, if that makes sense.

I started to feel sure my period was starting, and said so to Neil, but when I checked (I felt a bit leaky), there was only a little bit of CM and nothing else. I checked later and still nothing. Right now it's late (midnight! Benjamin has woken 6 (SIX!!!!) times this evening for some reason, just seeming wakeful (as he has for several evenings this week!) so that has meant this post has been written in bits and pieces and I'm only now getting to finish it and post it before getting in bed. Right now I feel really quite crampy and uncomfortable. I feel it in my lower back, across the whole "period pain" area at the front, etc. I also feel extra soreness on and off at the right edge of my pubic bone like I mentioned before. That's odd, if I'm getting my period.

So although I felt hesitant and nervous about the possibility earlier this evening, I now need to chart "bad cramps" for today, because these are definitely bad cramps! I know that, statistically for me, if my period doesn't show up soon after, I am pregnant - with bad cramps during my LP. But I'm nervous that I'll just go ahead and get a period anyway, even after bad cramps in my LP after saying I NEVER get that unless I'm pregnant! *sigh* I guess I'm starting to doubt myself at the moment. Am I pregnant and heading for ANOTHER chemical pregnancy? Am I kidding myself?! I do have extensive history to go by and back up certain signs and symptoms, and I do (think?!) I know my body pretty well, with lots of experience of what very early pregnancy feels like.

Anyway, all I can do is chart symptoms as they occur and see what pans out. I do feel pregnant, but I don't have any confidence that I'll continue to be (if I really am) for even another 24 hours. I am actually not looking forward to temping in the morning, because I feel unconfident and sort of expect to see another drop in temp, or at least not a rebound to the flat line of 36.8. And if I do see another drop in temp then my period is pretty much a dead cert for tomorrow at some point. Which a) isn't much fun, b) gives me a shorter luteal phase than last time (9 days), and c) is a bit disappointing, because I'd love to be pregnant again! :) But oh well! All this kind of talk is not evidence of me "trusting" God!! And I say I do, so I MUST act like it! Because I really do, underneath it all. I just get distracted. Which I shouldn't! ;)

So, I am not planning to test tomorrow. I will just temp and see if it drops some more, or if it stays the same or what. I would really just like my luteal phase to stay 10 days or more, which would mean my temp staying up till 11DPO or later really. But, I'm 10DPO tomorrow! That's not bad for She of Short Luteal Phases! :) I'll update my chart first thing with my temp.